Episode 2 Mongrels
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
# Are we human? | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
# Or are we dancer? | 0:00:06 | 0:00:08 | |
Go on, Marion. Just try it! | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
Don't be such a square, man. It's only a bit of catnip. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
Guys, I don't never mess with that stuff! It screws you up! | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
And nothing anyone could say or do could EVER change my mind! | 0:00:26 | 0:00:30 | |
All the cool cats are doing it. | 0:00:30 | 0:00:31 | |
MUSIC: "Warrior's Dance" by The Prodigy | 0:00:31 | 0:00:35 | |
Paula Abdul. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
So! Someone can't handle his catnip. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:01 | |
Huh... What happened?! | 0:01:01 | 0:01:02 | |
Well, in summary, you bezzed out and got stuck up a tree. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:06 | |
Jesus Christ! How did I get down? | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
Yeah. You didn't. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
Oh, God, Kali! | 0:01:11 | 0:01:12 | |
I'm a cat, and I'm stuck up tree. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:14 | |
-I'm such a cliche. -You totally are. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:18 | |
Luckily, this friendly fireman is here to save me! | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
For if there's one thing firemen like spending their precious time doing, it's saving cats from... | 0:01:20 | 0:01:26 | |
Come here, twat. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:27 | |
OK, you know what? Think I'd like to speak with your line manager. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:31 | |
Messing around with catnip! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
You've let me down, you've let your friends down, | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
-but you know who you've let down most? -Myself? | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
The Variety Club of Great Britain! | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
CHILDREN SOB | 0:01:55 | 0:01:56 | |
I made a crap in a Sunshine Coach? | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
Oh, yes, you very much did! | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
There was no trip to Thorpe Park for THOSE kiddies. This ends today. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:05 | |
I'm going to make you kick the habit! | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
OK, not a word to Gary, but I'm going out for a bit. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
So, what's all this I been hearing about you going out for a bit? | 0:02:10 | 0:02:14 | |
-Nothing. Just meeting up with some guy. -What guy? | 0:02:14 | 0:02:18 | |
I dunno, to be honest. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:19 | |
He just called me out of the blue last night. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
CLEARS THROAT | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
-Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! -Oi? | 0:02:25 | 0:02:29 | |
-Oi! -Oi! -Oi! -Oi! -Oi! -Oi! -Oi! | 0:02:29 | 0:02:33 | |
-Oi! -Oi! -Oi. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
-Oi! -Oi! -Oi! | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
-Oi! -Oi! -Oi! -Oi! -Oi! | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
-Oi! -Oi! -Oi! | 0:02:39 | 0:02:40 | |
-Oi! -Oi! Oi! -Oi! -Oi? | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
Who knows, he could totally be the one! | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
Just be careful, Destiny, eh? | 0:02:46 | 0:02:47 | |
-At least promise me you'll take your attack alarm. -You mean Harvey? | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
Rape. Rape. Rape. Rape. No, seriously, | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
rape. Rape. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
On second thoughts, just scream. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
-And I want you to keep eating catnip until you feel sick. -For serious?! | 0:03:02 | 0:03:06 | |
Classic aversion therapy. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
It's what me dad did when he caught me with cigarettes. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
Sadly, it's also what he did when he caught my sister with heroin. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:14 | |
You are the boss. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:18 | |
-Morning, -BLEEP! | 0:03:18 | 0:03:19 | |
Vince! Long bloody time, no ruddy bloody see! | 0:03:19 | 0:03:23 | |
-Been busy with the whole family thing. -Family? | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
You know, the slag I was seeing? | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
-The one with the -BLEEP -like an aircraft hanger? | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
Oh, Marjorie! | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
-She had a litter. Six of the little -BLEEP. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
I think the word you're looking for is "cubs". | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
Sorry. Sorry, yeah. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:38 | |
-Six of the little -BLEEP. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
Done it again, doesn't matter. Wait, so I'm an uncle?! | 0:03:40 | 0:03:44 | |
Vince, I need to see those babies, like, yesterday! | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
And Marion, keep eating until I get back! | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
Will do! | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
Hey, you know, weirdest thing... | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
suddenly fancy Pot Noodle! | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
Guess who. It's me, Deano! | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
Your old partner in crime, like? | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
Oh, my God. Dean! | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
Mate, it's been too long! | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
-So, yeah, like, what you been up to? -Well, I've been stabbed nine times, shot in both wings. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:17 | |
I've been attacked with a claw hammer, stamped on by a gang of Irish gypsy badgers, set on fire, | 0:04:17 | 0:04:23 | |
drowned, and back in March I was tortured for two days and left for dead near Warwick Abbey. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:28 | |
You know, just pottering. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
-Right, right, truesay. -Kind of why I'm here, you know. I'm trying to start again. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:34 | |
I were thinking, could I stay with you for a bit? | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
Stay as long as you like! Be good to have the old team back together. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:41 | |
That's what I thought, Kali. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:42 | |
-Just the three of us. -Three? | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
Yeah. You. Me. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
And Jesus. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
Was he that heron? | 0:04:50 | 0:04:51 | |
Bit dodgy, crooked leg, always cheating at poker, looked a bit like a heron David Grey? | 0:04:51 | 0:04:56 | |
No, Jesus Christ. | 0:04:56 | 0:05:00 | |
Uh-oh. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:01 | |
-Look at this stuff! -And all for you, baby girl. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
Where did you even find it all?! | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
You know. Around. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
But why me?! You barely even know me. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
I know you, princess. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:16 | |
I know you real well. See, I was in the playground on Monday... | 0:05:16 | 0:05:21 | |
Rewind. You fell in love with some of my poop? | 0:05:25 | 0:05:30 | |
It was the smell. Like the sweetest perfume, | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
made from crap. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
Or freshly baked cookies, | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
dipped in crap. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:37 | |
Or momma's home-baked apple pie, | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
with crap instead of apples. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
-I don't believe this. -Followed your scent ever since. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:43 | |
Every time I saw your pee, I sniffed it. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
Every time I found your crap, I rolled in it. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
I'm going to have to stop you there. This has to be, like, | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
the most romantic thing ever! | 0:05:51 | 0:05:55 | |
And now I got you here, there's one thing I got to do. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
You're going to propose! | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
Actually, I was going to sniff your anus. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
-See, I totally misread that. -Don't be shy, girl. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:05 | |
I sniffed the honey, just want to get my nose in the beehive. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
Call me a prude, kinda have a hang-up about letting strangers stick their hooters up my poop chute. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:13 | |
Baby, please. I'll be gentle. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:15 | |
-Well, OK. -Sweet. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:19 | |
Now, if you'll excuse me, | 0:06:19 | 0:06:20 | |
I may be some considerable time. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
SHE GASPS | 0:06:24 | 0:06:25 | |
I'm so excited I could pop! | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
Think of the Christmases! The cubs opening their parcels! | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
Carolling, snuggles by the fire. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
We'll bake a gingerbread house! | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
-You are such a faggot. -Bit harsh, Vince. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
-Well, you know me, I like to call a spade a -BLEEP. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
Now, just remembered something about these cubs. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
They're all dead. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
It's coming back to me now. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
-Marjorie only went and died during childbirth. -Sir Anthony Hopkins! That's awful! | 0:06:52 | 0:06:57 | |
What about the poor cubs? | 0:06:57 | 0:07:00 | |
They were totally fine. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:01 | |
Then I got a bit peckish. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:05 | |
So I ate 'em. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
You... | 0:07:07 | 0:07:08 | |
You ate your own babies? | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
You know how it is, Nelson. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
It's late, you can't be arsed to go to the all night garage, you ain't got nothing in the fridge... | 0:07:12 | 0:07:17 | |
Vince, you've got Muller Rice! | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
Well, yeah, but no spoons. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
Wait a minute. You ate six perfectly healthy children, | 0:07:22 | 0:07:26 | |
your own children, just because you couldn't find a spoon? | 0:07:26 | 0:07:30 | |
In my defence, they ARE both rhubarb. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
I have to say, Vince, this is pretty bloody mental, even by your standards! | 0:07:35 | 0:07:39 | |
And yes, that includes your turn at the Annual Isle of Dogs Family Variety Performance! | 0:07:39 | 0:07:44 | |
I said I was going to saw her in half! | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
Matter of fact, I was very, very specific about that. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
Hold on... | 0:07:50 | 0:07:51 | |
Rory McGrath, there's one left! | 0:07:51 | 0:07:54 | |
Yeah, didn't fancy him, looked a bit bony. Have him if you want. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
You know what, Vince, I bloody well will! | 0:07:57 | 0:08:01 | |
Condiments are on the side. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:02 | |
To look after, you animal! | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
Let's just get you out of here. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
Huh, look what I just found, a spoon! | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
So it WAS a senseless waste of life after all! | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
Oh, dear. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
So, what you saying? | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
You got some kind of problem with my faith? | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
Yes, actually. See, let me tell you something about the Bible. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:25 | |
Do you know where they kept the pigeons on the Ark? Below deck! | 0:08:25 | 0:08:29 | |
With the mice, and the rats, and the Big Issue sellers! | 0:08:29 | 0:08:33 | |
Sorry to ask again... | 0:08:35 | 0:08:36 | |
I think we've established, | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
no-one's got any fricking change! | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
In the end, they had to make Noah stop at a cash point. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
God loves us all, Kali. Even pigeons. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:47 | |
God don't exist. And I happen to know that for a fact. Follow me. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:53 | |
Tell me, Dean... | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
# What kind of God? | 0:08:59 | 0:09:00 | |
# What kind of God? | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
# What kind of God? | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
# What kind of God? | 0:09:04 | 0:09:05 | |
# What God allows a child of 13 | 0:09:05 | 0:09:09 | |
# To sleep on the street? | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
# Out on the street! | 0:09:11 | 0:09:12 | |
# So when I use a cash machine | 0:09:12 | 0:09:16 | |
# He's right there by my feet | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
# Right by her feet! | 0:09:18 | 0:09:19 | |
# It's so awkward when I have to pretend I'm skint and that | 0:09:19 | 0:09:23 | |
# What kind of God? | 0:09:23 | 0:09:24 | |
# What kind of God? | 0:09:24 | 0:09:26 | |
# What kind of God? | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
# What kind of God allows that hard | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
# See-through plastic packaging of, for instance | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
-# Printer cartridges and children's toys? -Amen! | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
# That means you have to get out the scissors | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
# But then when you cut it you end up cutting yourself | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
-# On the sharp edges -Hallelujah! | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
# What kind of God? # | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
This kind of God! | 0:09:45 | 0:09:46 | |
Oh, God, it's God! | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
# That kind of God! | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
# OK, man, what's with all the call centres? | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
# They provide a service | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
# Even those ones based abroad? | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
# It's true, the Indian ones are abhorred | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
# I'm not being racist, but it makes no sense | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
# Having a rail enquiry line that's not based locally! | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
# What kind of God? | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
# What kind of God? | 0:10:09 | 0:10:10 | |
# What kind of God? | 0:10:10 | 0:10:14 | |
# Junk mail in newspapers | 0:10:14 | 0:10:15 | |
# Come on, be fair | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
# Motorcyclists that weave in traffic! | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
# Yes, you've got a point there | 0:10:19 | 0:10:20 | |
# Who brings toddlers to weddings? | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
# I shall smite them | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
# Wasps! | 0:10:24 | 0:10:25 | |
# Oh, why did I cre-ite them? | 0:10:25 | 0:10:27 | |
# People who read over your shoulder! | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
# Ex-smokers' advice! | 0:10:29 | 0:10:30 | |
# Overly chirpy Australian bar staff | 0:10:30 | 0:10:32 | |
# And Katie Price! | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
# What kind of God? | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
# It is not my kind of God, yeah! # | 0:10:37 | 0:10:44 | |
And I am going to save YOU, Dean. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
I'm going to save you from your salvation, and get you back on the road to hell! | 0:10:51 | 0:10:56 | |
-And you'll see that there's no God! -THUNDER CLAP | 0:10:56 | 0:10:59 | |
Screw you, Biggins! | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
Serious, girl, | 0:11:05 | 0:11:07 | |
your anal sacs are intoxicating. | 0:11:07 | 0:11:10 | |
-I'm blushing! -It's cherry blossom, | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
and there's, like, a tang of almost... | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
-coconut? -I did have a Bounty. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
So, baby girl, time to get your nose in the chocolate box. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:22 | |
-Really? I dunno, I've got a bit of a cold, and... -Trust me, baby. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
Quickest way to get to know someone. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
OK. Here goes. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
Wow! Someone's getting their five a day. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
Oh, you know. Try to stay in shape. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
Interesting. Didn't have you down as a snooker fan. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
I'll watch it if it's on. I'm not obsessive or nothing. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
-Oh. -What? -No. That can't be right! | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
-What is it? -Um, according to your anus, | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
apparently, you've got like stage five brain... | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
Wow. You're quick. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
You've got to help me, Destiny. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
See, there's this tree who cries, oh, how he cries! | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
And if I can't stop him from crying, he's going to get the piggy bird to tell me the truth! | 0:12:06 | 0:12:11 | |
And if I hear the truth... | 0:12:11 | 0:12:12 | |
I...will...DIE! | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
You've been on the catnip again, ain't ya? | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
I have eaten every bush in whole East End of London! | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
And now I need to score! | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
Lovely. Anyway, I've only gone and found the ultimate dating shortcut, | 0:12:23 | 0:12:27 | |
bottom sniffing! | 0:12:27 | 0:12:28 | |
One sniff, you know everything. Just hope humans never figure out how to do it, it'd ruin Hollyoaks. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:33 | |
You're planning to do WHAT? | 0:12:34 | 0:12:38 | |
How dare you? | 0:12:38 | 0:12:39 | |
Well, OK, that's a fair point, but... Hang on. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
You're not supposed to be in this scene! | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
What scene? | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
Oh, you're filming. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:50 | |
I can't wait to get back out on the dating circuit! | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
I'll sniff out my perfect man in no time! | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
Destiny, Marion, there's someone I'd like to... | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
Argh! I'm hallucinating. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
There is malformed hell baby bursting from your stomach! | 0:13:01 | 0:13:05 | |
Jesus Christ! I want to claw my own eyes out, | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
with my own claws, and stamp on my own eyes, with my own claws! | 0:13:08 | 0:13:13 | |
What is that thing? | 0:13:13 | 0:13:14 | |
His name's Kieran, and he's going to be staying with us for a while. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:19 | |
And he's adorable. Truly. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
Um, Nelson, you do realise he's probably like the runt of the litter? | 0:13:21 | 0:13:25 | |
Oh, and so what if he is? Hmm? | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
See, let me tell you about a runt of the litter, | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
born a sickly little thing, bullied by his siblings, | 0:13:30 | 0:13:34 | |
parents didn't want to know. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
-Do you know who that poorly little mongrel grew up to be? -Who? | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
I'll tell you who... | 0:13:39 | 0:13:40 | |
Paul Ross! | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
Who's Paul Ross? | 0:13:42 | 0:13:43 | |
That's a good one! "Who's Paul Ross?" | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
No. Seriously, who's Paul Ross? | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
-Paul Ross? -Who is he? | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
-He's Paul Ross! -And who's that? -Paul Ross. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
-Say it again. -Paul. -Paul. -Ross. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
-Ross. Paul Ross? -Yes, Paul Ross! Oh, for God's sake, this Paul Ross! | 0:13:55 | 0:13:59 | |
Paul Ross. Paul Ross. Paul Ross. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
I don't believe this. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:03 | |
There, THAT Paul Ross. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
No, you can tell ITV to take their seven million quid a year deal, | 0:14:05 | 0:14:09 | |
AND their golden handcuffs, and to stick them where the sun does not shine! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
You do realise he doesn't actually have phone? | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
Ross out! | 0:14:15 | 0:14:16 | |
It doesn't matter. The point is, I guess I always related to Paul. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:20 | |
-Paul who? -Because... | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
Because I was the runt of the litter too, OK?! | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
Hey, Nelson. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
It's cool. We kind of already knew. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
-You did? How? -Just a hunch. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
-Also, the way you run. -Yeah, that was the clincher. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
Yeah, well, I still lead a full and active life! | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
And I'm sure he will too, once he's had his jabs. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:47 | |
Wait! People off the telly always have access to ready supply of drugs. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:51 | |
Paul Ross! Do you happen to know anyone off the telly? | 0:14:51 | 0:14:55 | |
Anyone? At all? No? | 0:14:55 | 0:15:00 | |
So, doc, all done? | 0:15:05 | 0:15:06 | |
Oh. Yeah. You know, he's an amazing little boy. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
-Oh, well. I like to think so. -In the sense that he's still alive. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:13 | |
-Hmm? -Well, he's anaemic. Asthmatic. He's got athlete's foot. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:17 | |
Bell's Palsy. A bile duct infection. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
-Bronchitis. -Hang on, are you doing these alphabetically? | 0:15:19 | 0:15:22 | |
Carpal Tunnel. Cirrhosis. Cryptosporidiosis... | 0:15:22 | 0:15:25 | |
-Doctor Cliff Huxtable! -Diabetes. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
Dwarfism. Dane Bowyers' Syndrome. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
-What the hell's that? -Basically, it just means he's got a lovely singing voice. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:34 | |
# What a difference a day makes! # | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
-And that he's semi-retarded. -I just swallowed some poop. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:41 | |
Thankfully, we do offer an extensive range of treatments for runts like him. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:44 | |
Oh, well, good. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
There's the handgun, the pellet gun, the air gun, the BB gun, the nail gun... | 0:15:46 | 0:15:50 | |
-You want to kill him?! -Kill, or fatally injure, yah. The paintball gun, the staple gun... | 0:15:50 | 0:15:55 | |
Quite a slow death, that. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:56 | |
But you can't! He's a living thing! | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
It'll happen soon enough anyway. We're just going to help him along, | 0:15:58 | 0:16:02 | |
one staple at a time. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
Stay back! Now, you might have given up on him, but I sure as hell haven't! | 0:16:04 | 0:16:07 | |
And I'm going to take this... badly made, diseased little wretch, | 0:16:07 | 0:16:11 | |
and I'm going to find something he's good at! | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
Then you'll see! | 0:16:14 | 0:16:15 | |
-You'll ALL see! -Just so you know... | 0:16:15 | 0:16:19 | |
-nothing actually wrong with my hearing. -Yes. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
Yes, I had rather forgotten that. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
So... Who wants to get messed up on poppers and WKD then set fire to some very elderly squirrels? | 0:16:29 | 0:16:36 | |
Bring in the elderly squirrel. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
When you think about it, you'd be doing her a favour. You know what old people are like | 0:16:40 | 0:16:45 | |
about staying warm in the winter. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:47 | |
Heh-heh. Lose the elderly squirrel, bring in the prostitute! | 0:16:47 | 0:16:52 | |
Cor. Will you just look at that prostitute! | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
Because that really is one attractive prostitute! | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
Kali, just give up! I ain't falling for no temptation! | 0:16:58 | 0:17:01 | |
-I'll see you later, yeah? -Damn it! | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
Might as well bring the squirrel back in, maybe we can toast marshmallows on her or something. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:10 | |
Kali, please! I will do anything for a hit of the mighty nip! | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
OK, Marion. Listen to me. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
There's people out there who can help addicts like you, yeah. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:23 | |
They're called...pimps! | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
Yes! Bo! Get in! Zing! One-nil Kali! | 0:17:26 | 0:17:30 | |
Bull's-eye! In your face! | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
Gutted for you! | 0:17:32 | 0:17:33 | |
Truly I have been shamed by your ability to lead me into thinking you were going to say one thing, | 0:17:33 | 0:17:38 | |
before then saying another, entirely contradictory thing. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
Yes! Yes, you have! | 0:17:41 | 0:17:44 | |
Ha! Wait up, though. Idea... | 0:17:44 | 0:17:48 | |
-I'll get you your precious catnip but there's someone I need you to kill for me first. -Kali! | 0:17:48 | 0:17:56 | |
Even we addicts have our boundaries! | 0:17:56 | 0:17:57 | |
And if there is one thing I will not do, that thing is murders! | 0:17:57 | 0:18:01 | |
-All the cool cats are... -I need only a name. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:05 | |
Ow. Also a Band-Aid. For my tongue. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
And OK, we runts might not be any good at fighting and playing rugger | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
and all that other boysy stuff, but we're good at other things! | 0:18:15 | 0:18:19 | |
And you're going to prove it. And I think I know just how. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
FOLK MUSIC | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
Ah yes, a perfectly competent display of traditional English Morris dancing. Ha-ha! | 0:18:25 | 0:18:31 | |
Medical science be damned! | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
Nosebleed! | 0:18:35 | 0:18:36 | |
Ah, the primitive rhythms of the African continent! | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
Why, even a fool can hit a bongo drum. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
Tinnitus! | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
Ah, the beguiling ancient art of Origa... | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
Paper cut! | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
Watching TV while eating snacks, which technically still counts as a life skill. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:59 | |
Nut allergy! | 0:18:59 | 0:19:00 | |
Sitting quite still for extended periods of... | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
Epilepsy! | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
-Sleeping? -Parasomnia! Sleep apnoea! | 0:19:09 | 0:19:11 | |
Night terrors! Ahhh! | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
So, in short, you have absolutely no discernable talent for anything whatsoever, you are - no offence - | 0:19:14 | 0:19:20 | |
almost entirely useless. Have you ever thought about hairdressing? | 0:19:20 | 0:19:24 | |
So, it's our first date. I thought we could start with a little picnic. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:33 | |
Check out the new Woody Allen movie. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
Dinner at the bin. A quick good-night kiss. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:39 | |
Nah. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
Too old. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
Too passive. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
Too aggressive. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:48 | |
Too passive-aggressive. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
Carpet soiler. Toilet drinker. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
Paul Ross. Passive-aggressive. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
Again. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
So wait... I've sniffed every anus in town, and I STILL didn't find Mr Right! Hang on... | 0:20:00 | 0:20:06 | |
Oh, THAT Paul Ross! God. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:11 | |
-Afternoon, mate. -Ah. Now. Yes. Hello. Awkward! | 0:20:15 | 0:20:19 | |
Strike me down if you must, mate. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:22 | |
Just remember, God sees everything. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
-He does? -He even saw that Richard Curtis film about the radio boat. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:29 | |
-No WAY! -Tell me, friend...couldn't help but notice you've been neutered. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:34 | |
Ah, yeah. This little old lady, she thought I'd look better with the full "Cliff Richard"! | 0:20:34 | 0:20:39 | |
Well, if you let God into your heart, when you get to heaven, you'll be reunited with your testicles. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:45 | |
In fact, Jesus himself will sew them back on with, er...threads of gold. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:51 | |
And it definitely says all this in the Bible? | 0:20:51 | 0:20:55 | |
Oh. I'm sure we'll find something. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
I sniffed EVERYONE! And found no-one! | 0:20:59 | 0:21:03 | |
-I'm officially dying alone! -My old nan died alone. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
Bless her. Still, we gave her a blooming good send off. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today on the A40, | 0:21:09 | 0:21:13 | |
just past the Little Chef, opposite Travel Lodge, to mourn the passing of dearly beloved Bernadette. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:21 | |
Oh, God, Terence! | 0:21:21 | 0:21:22 | |
-SQUEALING TYRES AND THUD -No! | 0:21:22 | 0:21:26 | |
Of dearly beloved Bernadette... | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
and Terence. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:29 | |
Helpful. Anyway, where's runt baby? | 0:21:29 | 0:21:33 | |
Heh, funny story, actually. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
You know the expression, "you can't wrap them in cotton wool for the rest of their lives"? | 0:21:35 | 0:21:39 | |
-Yeah, turns out he's the exception. -Woah! | 0:21:39 | 0:21:43 | |
Still, not being horrible or nothing, but probably won't last that long. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:47 | |
That's the truly wonderful thing, actually. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
He's got a condition called "Persistent Forsythe Syndrome". | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
Given 24-hour care, he'll live for years and years and years... | 0:21:51 | 0:21:55 | |
and years and years and years. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
Which is obviously really great news. | 0:21:57 | 0:22:01 | |
-I need my insulin. You -BLEEP. -Neil and Christine Hamilton! | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
Where on earth did you learn language like that? | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
-Evening, -BLEEP. -Oh, of course. Well, better get him inside. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:10 | |
And don't worry, Destiny. You'll find someone. | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
SHE SNIFFS | 0:22:12 | 0:22:15 | |
-Hold up... Him!? -Holy CRAP! You're in love with NELSON! | 0:22:15 | 0:22:20 | |
-I'm not! I can't be! -Nah, it could work. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:22 | |
It'd be like Lady and the Tramp. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:24 | |
The live action remake. | 0:22:24 | 0:22:26 | |
Directed by Mike Leigh. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:27 | |
Um, probably should've mentioned this earlier. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
You do realise I've got hepatitis? | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
-Nelson?! -Jesus loves me! -Oh, no you are kidding me. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:42 | |
HE GIBBERS | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
-Marion, are you speaking in tongues? Already? -Yes. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:49 | |
-Also I have hair stuck in throat. -HE COUGHS AND GAGS | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
Right that's it, I'm calling in the big guns. Vince! | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
-Yes, -BLEEP? -I need you to kill a dove for me. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:59 | |
I'll see you in a bit, then. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:00 | |
Halle-bleeding-lujah! I have seen the error of my ways! | 0:23:03 | 0:23:07 | |
Oh, for God's sake! | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
-Did you just call God a -BLEEP? | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
No! | 0:23:11 | 0:23:13 | |
So according to Darwin, the weaker animals NEED to die off in order that the species itself can remain strong. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:23 | |
-What are you reading? -Nothing! Just, er, yeah, Argos catalogue. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:27 | |
Anyway, put that somewhere safe. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
I think I done something. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
Julian Lloyd Webber! | 0:23:31 | 0:23:32 | |
So that's what you're good at! | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
Jigsaws! Ah, if only that doctor could see you now, eh? | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
Ha-ha! Come here...son! | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
Are you...are you my daddy? | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
Yes, little boy. Yes, I rather think I am. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:48 | |
-Nelson, I need to talk you. -Not now. We're having a Hallmark moment. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:52 | |
And I ain't happy about this, believe, but...it's about us. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:56 | |
Us? | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
I sniffed every animal in ten miles. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
And my nose is telling me... you're the one. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:04 | |
I don't mean to be a pain, I think I have another one for the list. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:08 | |
Brittle bones. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:09 | |
Oh, Destiny, yes! | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
Yes! A thousand times yes! | 0:24:11 | 0:24:13 | |
I've pictured this moment a million times in my head and this... | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
this is EXACTLY it! | 0:24:16 | 0:24:18 | |
-Also, I've just vomited on myself. -Yeah, proper fairytale stuff. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:22 | |
Well? What are we waiting for? | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
Let's go start the rest of our lives! | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
Um, bleeding...somewhat... | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
need...clotting...tablets... | 0:24:30 | 0:24:34 | |
Ironic. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
Now, vis a vis living arrangements. When were you thinking of moving into the den? | 0:24:44 | 0:24:49 | |
I WILL need a full afternoon to clear out the board games cupboard. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
Why?! Why YOU?! | 0:24:52 | 0:24:56 | |
Coincidentally, I was looking into, um, the feasibility, so to speak, | 0:24:56 | 0:25:00 | |
of a fox and a dog procreating just yesterday, amazingly! | 0:25:00 | 0:25:06 | |
And apparently they're doing some rather interesting trials in the Netherlands. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:10 | |
-I've actually got the relevant medical journals here if you'd... -NELSON! -Yes, my love? | 0:25:10 | 0:25:14 | |
Oh, this is unbearable! | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
SHE SNIFFS WILDLY | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
The smell. It's not you, it's me! | 0:25:19 | 0:25:23 | |
-Mmm? -I haven't fallen in love with you at all! | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
I've fallen in love with the smell of my own arsehole! | 0:25:25 | 0:25:29 | |
Ah, Destiny, that is SO Robert Lindsay from My Family! | 0:25:29 | 0:25:33 | |
-What? No! -Oh, that's such a relief. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
Isn't it? Phew. I mean, you, me? | 0:25:36 | 0:25:40 | |
Phew-ee! | 0:25:40 | 0:25:41 | |
Anyway, no hard feelings. No feelings at all, luckily, ha-ha! | 0:25:41 | 0:25:45 | |
And yeah, never touch me again. Ciao, babe! | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
Come come, Nelson, you are still blessed with this lovely runt of yours. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:55 | |
Kieran! | 0:25:55 | 0:25:56 | |
God, our father, you shared him with us for just two short days. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:02 | |
But we know he's up there with you now, running free in the gardens of heaven. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:08 | |
Pollen count permitting. | 0:26:08 | 0:26:10 | |
What I still don't get is, why did you have my poop on your coat? | 0:26:10 | 0:26:15 | |
Beats me. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:16 | |
I mean, for God's sake, it's not like I sleep with one under my pillow! | 0:26:16 | 0:26:20 | |
Or freeze them in a little ice cube tray when you go away on holiday! | 0:26:20 | 0:26:25 | |
-Have I revealed too much? -I am so chuffed, Kali, that you finally let God into your heart. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:32 | |
Heh. Me too! Communion wafer? | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
Oh. Cheers. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
That's right, eat your Jesus biscuit, | 0:26:37 | 0:26:40 | |
-eat it right up. -Sorry? -Nothing. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:43 | |
-Must plot more quietly. -Huh. | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
Tastes kinda funny. A bit like... | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
baking powder. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
EXPLOSION | 0:26:50 | 0:26:51 | |
LAUGHS | 0:26:51 | 0:26:54 | |
What? Just trying to make church more fun. You know, get the kids in. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Amen. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
ALL: Amen. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
-Right. Now can we please just start on the -BLEEP -buffet? | 0:27:06 | 0:27:11 | |
Fine. Go on, then, Vince. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:13 | |
FRENZIED GOBBLING | 0:27:14 | 0:27:18 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
Who's Paul Ross? | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 |