Episode 3 Mongrels
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Transcript
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As you can see, we've gone for an urban theme on this year's Springwatch, | 0:00:05 | 0:00:10 | |
so that you can enjoy the cool and spectacular wildlife that's surrounding you 365 days a year. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:16 | |
Chris? Chris "The Really Wild Show" Packham? | 0:00:16 | 0:00:20 | |
It may not be as picturesque as the Cotswolds or the Norfolk Broads... | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
Diana in heaven... I'm on bloody Springwatch! | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
..apparently we've got a fox in shot already. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:29 | |
Tell me, what's Bill Oddie like? | 0:00:29 | 0:00:30 | |
Because I've heard he can be a bit difficult. They say that he... | 0:00:30 | 0:00:34 | |
SQUEAKS AND WHIMPERS | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
..and nailed it to her face. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
There he is. Whining away. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
Looks like a low-ranking male. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:44 | |
Probably hasn't mated. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
Pwobably because he hasn't met the right person. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:50 | |
Speaking of which, Michaela Strachan... | 0:00:50 | 0:00:51 | |
Bit runty, isn't it? | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
Skanky. Grubby, even. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
Grubby! I'm wearing Lynx Africa! | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
In fact, can we cut and go again? | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
Without the fox. It's really annoying. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
Oh! Well, if that's how you want to play it, stick your stupid Springwatch! | 0:01:03 | 0:01:08 | |
Thank you. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:09 | |
Please may you give this photo collage to Kate Humble? Thank you. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
Snubbed! By Springwatch! | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
Unbe-fricking-lievable! | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
-This NEVER would've happened under Bill Oddie! -Uh, don't say that name. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:33 | |
You know I'm phobic. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:34 | |
Since the incident. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
CAW, CAW | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
Oh... | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
Tim Brooke-Taylor! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
Nelson, they should be on knees BEGGING you to go on their crappy show! You're so talented! | 0:01:46 | 0:01:52 | |
You're right! I'll show those cameras what I can do. We'll see who's too boring for Springwatch! | 0:01:52 | 0:01:57 | |
Stupid human prick. Get this, right? I've been with Gary one year today. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:03 | |
What does he buy me? | 0:02:03 | 0:02:04 | |
It's like he don't know me AT ALL! | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
Sorry, Destiny, that is pretty crappy... | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
BALL SQUEAKS | 0:02:10 | 0:02:11 | |
OH, MY GOD! IT SQUEAKS! IT SQUEAKS! | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! | 0:02:16 | 0:02:18 | |
Ah. A squeaky football. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
Absolutely bloody classic! | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
Well, I must bounce. I have the date with a very special little lady! | 0:02:22 | 0:02:26 | |
-Ooo. -This is new. -Yeah, we're taking it slow, Kali. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:30 | |
-Plus she's still hooked on the old mother's milk. I can't get her away! -Breast-feeding? | 0:02:30 | 0:02:35 | |
-Sorry, how old is she? -She must be about, what...three, three and a bit weeks. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:40 | |
-Oh, you disgust me. -That is wrong. -You can't go out with a three-week-old! | 0:02:40 | 0:02:45 | |
-What? What? Why not? -Kitten fiddler! | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
-At least wait until she's legal! -I think we all know the age of consent isn't three weeks! | 0:02:47 | 0:02:52 | |
It's four weeks. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
OK, fine. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:55 | |
Maybe I'll talk to her or something. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
-Oh, and by the way... congratulations. -What for? | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
For winning the 2003 Academy Award for Best Director, Mr Polanski! | 0:03:00 | 0:03:05 | |
Ha, yeah! In your face... Ho! Bo! Shame! | 0:03:05 | 0:03:09 | |
BALL SQUEAKS | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! | 0:03:11 | 0:03:12 | |
Hi, I'm Nelson. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:19 | |
I'm actually kind of a special fox. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
And, no, I don't mean special as in... | 0:03:22 | 0:03:25 | |
I mean talented. For, eg, I'm a bloody good after dinner speaker. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:32 | |
Like, once I was going through Kerry Katona's bottle bin. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:36 | |
I say "bottle bin", more like "bottle bank"! | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
-Oh, oh! Ow! -No, but seriously, folks... | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
Peter Ebdon! They're bonking! | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
Pull my tail, you animal! | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
Oh, please, oh... | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
-You dirty woodland creature. -God, put it away! | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
The Springwatch cameras don't want to see that! | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
-Oh. Foxes shagging on six. -Here comes the BAFTA! | 0:03:56 | 0:04:00 | |
Anyway...try and soldier on here...this other time, | 0:04:00 | 0:04:05 | |
I was hanging out by Jimmy Carr's recycling bin. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
Or to give it's proper name, Michael McIntyre. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
No, come on, seriously... | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
-Aaargh! -..And...cut! | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
Phew, bloody good scene! | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
Hope I didn't pull your tail too hard, luvvy? | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
Hang on. Why are you suddenly so posh? | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
Now, let's get a bit naughty...coffee and a Danish methinks! | 0:04:21 | 0:04:25 | |
And why are you so gay? Oh, my God...you're ACTORS! | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
Tug that lead ONE more time and so help me, God, I'll poop in the magazine rack... | 0:04:33 | 0:04:38 | |
# Watching in slow motion as you turn around and say | 0:04:40 | 0:04:46 | |
# Take my breath away... # | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
-Oh, boy. -Hi. -What is it with bitches and guide dogs? | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
I'm-I'm Destiny. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
Sorry, darling, can't stop. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
-I'm on duty. -Oh, course, yeah. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
-You're probably taking him somewhere really important. -Yes, it's his monthly trip to the cemetery. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:07 | |
But that's the other side of town, so I just take him twice around the park | 0:05:07 | 0:05:12 | |
and then... | 0:05:12 | 0:05:13 | |
BARKS | 0:05:13 | 0:05:14 | |
Mum, it's me again. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
It's all the same to him. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
Bless his useless retinas. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
-You can do that? -Perk of the job. I lead, he follows. Wherever I want. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:26 | |
You're in control...that is amazing! | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
Anyway, we've got places to go, and people to see. Well, I have. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:34 | |
-Next stop, Pet City. -Wait, wait! I want to come! | 0:05:34 | 0:05:39 | |
-Silly Destiny! You can't go with them. -Screw you, Gary, we're so OVER! You bore me! | 0:05:39 | 0:05:44 | |
You bore me Gary and I'm leaving and I'm never... | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
SHE CHOKES | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
I talk with my good friend Nelson and he reckons... | 0:05:54 | 0:05:58 | |
Lollipop, are you listening to me? | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
Sorry! This thing...cannot get enough of it. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
We have to break up! | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
-Until your four week birthday. -But...but... | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
but that's ONE WHOLE DAY AWAY! | 0:06:09 | 0:06:12 | |
-I know and I'm sorry! -You said I was special! | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
-You ARE special! -You told me you loved me! -I DO love you! | 0:06:15 | 0:06:18 | |
-You touched me! -Yeah. And seriously we can't tell anyone about that. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:22 | |
-I'm not even joking. -Don't you want to lick your little Lollipop? | 0:06:22 | 0:06:26 | |
Oh, God. Oh, God, think unsexy thoughts... | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
Er, er, country music. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
Nothing sexy about country music. Haha. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
Ugly old Billy Ray Cyrus... | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
and his daughter Miley. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
Oh, GODDAMIT! | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
We have to wait until tomorrow. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
Oh. You're back early. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
-Who's she? -The cat's mother. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:46 | |
Lollipop, go to your room. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:50 | |
Heh, heh. So, I see where Lollipop gets her looks. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:54 | |
Or where she will get them from eventually... | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
And I said, you might be Keyser Soze, | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
-but you wouldn't know good theatre if it grabbed your cock in the park! -You just faked it for Springwatch! | 0:07:03 | 0:07:09 | |
-And? -Well, you can't! What would Bill Oddie say?! | 0:07:09 | 0:07:12 | |
CAW! | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
-We're just giving the cameras what they want. -Teeth, tits and tail! | 0:07:14 | 0:07:19 | |
-I don't believe this! -Plus it's the only way to get the cameras away from the bloody badgers. Vicious bastards. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:26 | |
-CAMPLY: -Tally-ho! | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
Oh, not him too. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:29 | |
-Just telling this poor devil the truth about Springwatch. -Aha! | 0:07:29 | 0:07:33 | |
-Well, welcome to the business, luvvy. -Guys...any mascara? Mine's out? | 0:07:33 | 0:07:37 | |
-My head's spinning... -Try my overnight bag. -Hang on. Does Chris Packham know about this? | 0:07:37 | 0:07:41 | |
Course he doesn't. None of them do... | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
Packham, Oddie, Nutkins. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:45 | |
Gullible old knobs. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
Oh, almond croissant. Diet starts tomorrow, eh, girls? | 0:07:48 | 0:07:52 | |
OK, this is unacceptable! | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
You might not respect Springwatch, but I do, | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
and I want no part of this disgusting, dishonest, grubby little charade! | 0:07:57 | 0:08:01 | |
That said, I would like an almond croissant. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
So you are saying all animals in Springwatch are upper-class English actors?! | 0:08:08 | 0:08:12 | |
Yes! And everyone on TV's gay! And obviously we've all heard the rumours about Flipper. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:18 | |
# They call him Flipper, Flipper... # | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
What's that, Flip? You can't get over how lovely and tall Hugh Jackman is? | 0:08:21 | 0:08:25 | |
-HE CLICKS -And such poise? | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
HE CLICKS | 0:08:27 | 0:08:32 | |
Oh, and before you forget, there's been a shark attack and... | 0:08:28 | 0:08:32 | |
OK, Flip, next time, might want to start with that bit. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
-So I told them...faking stuff is wrong and I want no part of it. -Whoa. What happened? | 0:08:40 | 0:08:46 | |
Ah, yeah, Lollipop's mum kind of savaged me and blah, blah, blah, | 0:08:46 | 0:08:50 | |
I lost three pints of blood. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
But it's like they say, innit? Cat's got 50 lives! | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
-Nine. A cat's got nine lives. -What? When did this happen?! | 0:08:56 | 0:09:00 | |
Damn you, the hung parliament! | 0:09:00 | 0:09:03 | |
I wonder what he's doing right now. He could be anywhere. Anywhere the wind takes him. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:07 | |
Oh, great. This again. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
Destiny, he's just a guide dog. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
And I've guided stuff. Like once I helped a chicken cross the road. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
Ah, there we go. Now, then, I will bloody kick myself if I don't ask... | 0:09:19 | 0:09:23 | |
Why DID the chicken cross the road? | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
Because there's a black person coming and I'm scared he's going to mug me. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:30 | |
Turns out she was just a casual racist. It's a generational thing. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:34 | |
I could've challenged her, I didn't, it's done. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
I don't fancy him or nothing. It's like, | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
I want to be him. I want to be a guide dog. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
THEY CHUCKLE What? | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
I could do it! I can do loads of stuff. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
Beg, paw. Play dead. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
Aaaaargh! | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
Any idea? No? | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
OK, the correct answer was David Carradine. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
Now give me the biscuit. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
-I'm going to learn how to be guide dog AND make it back in time for Springwatch. -Ha! | 0:10:02 | 0:10:07 | |
-You don't watch that rubbish, do you? -Er, yeah! | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
And, like, I don't usually go for foxes and stuff, but, ah, that guy fox. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:15 | |
Kinda hot. Probably because he's, like, on TV and totally famous and... | 0:10:15 | 0:10:19 | |
-I'd like to be on Springwatch, please. -You'll have to audition. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
Back of the queue, please, luvvy. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
Hello. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
Hi. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:29 | |
Vince! | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
Didn't think this was your bag. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
-I heard a rumour that Springwatch animals get all the best -BLEEP. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
Well. That's...very vivid. And have you done much acting? | 0:10:36 | 0:10:40 | |
-I once did a really massive -BLEEP -on Clive Owen's front lawn, if that counts. -Yeah. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:47 | |
It probably doesn't. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
-Lollipop! -I had to see you. -But it is forbidden for us to be together! | 0:10:55 | 0:10:59 | |
We are like Romeo and Juliet. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
-Who's that? -Hmm. Bit old for you. We are like...Ross and Rachel. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:05 | |
-Never heard of them. -Gavin and Stacey? | 0:11:05 | 0:11:07 | |
-Nope. -Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens? | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
-No idea. -Eh, forget it. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:10 | |
The important thing is we cannot be together. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
Even though it seem CRAZY! | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
# The law says today I can't be with you | 0:11:16 | 0:11:20 | |
# But tomorrow, we can do whatever we want to do | 0:11:20 | 0:11:25 | |
# I can love you | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
Oh, yes! | 0:11:26 | 0:11:27 | |
# And you can love me | 0:11:27 | 0:11:34 | |
Thanks to the Sexual Offences Act 2003 | 0:11:28 | 0:11:34 | |
# One day you're a paedo | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
# And you're my jailbait | 0:11:37 | 0:11:42 | |
# Next day you're my sweetheart | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
# And it's suddenly legal to mate | 0:11:45 | 0:11:50 | |
BOTH: # What a difference a day makes | 0:11:50 | 0:11:54 | |
# Just can't wait till the dawn breaks | 0:11:54 | 0:11:58 | |
# Right now you can't handle the love of a man | 0:11:58 | 0:12:01 | |
# But from tomorrow you can give it me as hard as you can | 0:12:01 | 0:12:06 | |
# What a difference a day makes | 0:12:06 | 0:12:10 | |
# One day I'm a pervert | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
# And I've still got my virginity | 0:12:13 | 0:12:17 | |
# But in less than 15 hours it's a legal technicality... | 0:12:17 | 0:12:24 | |
Actually, I'm not a virgin! | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
# ..What a difference a day makes | 0:12:26 | 0:12:30 | |
# Then we can legally fornicate | 0:12:30 | 0:12:34 | |
# I'd never dream of breaking the law today | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
# But tomorrow it's my right to do you every which way | 0:12:37 | 0:12:42 | |
# What a difference a day makes... # | 0:12:42 | 0:12:46 | |
-Let's elope together! I can be your fiance! -Maybe not. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:50 | |
# ..What a difference a day makes. # | 0:12:50 | 0:12:55 | |
I just hope you're still alive tomorrow. | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
Now you're down to your last seven lives. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
Eight, Kali. Start with nine, Lollipop's mum, that makes eight. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:07 | |
Yeah, but how about that time your first owner taught you to swim? | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
OK. Seven. I'm cool with this. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
Oh. Oh. Or that time your second owner taught you to drive. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:24 | |
You know, Derek, you should never leave animal in car with windows closed. Very bad. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:30 | |
Also, the carbon monoxide not so healthy either. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:34 | |
HE COUGHS | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
Oh, wait...the key... | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
it's still in the ignition! | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
I have idea. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:41 | |
MUSIC: Theme from "The Archers" | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
Six lives. Oh, by Branson's beard, that's nothing. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:52 | |
Stupid useless casting directors. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:56 | |
-Wouldn't know proper acting if it -BLEEP -them. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
Hello, Vince. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
-Did you just call me a -BLEEP? -No. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
LOLLIPOP: Stop! | 0:14:07 | 0:14:08 | |
He's the Gary to my Stacey! | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
Gavin. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:11 | |
It's Gavin. Ask your mum. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
So, my young prodigy, you wish to learn the ancient art of guide-doggery? | 0:14:17 | 0:14:24 | |
Yes, I mother-fricking do. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
In order to attain the sacred rank of fluorescent vest, | 0:14:26 | 0:14:31 | |
I must first push you to the very limits of canine endurance. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:35 | |
Please be a montage, please be a montage, please be a montage. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:39 | |
-Let's go to work! -Yay! | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" | 0:14:41 | 0:14:45 | |
Could you read the top line for me...? | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
And now? ..Now? ..And now? | 0:14:57 | 0:15:00 | |
Number one...or number two? | 0:15:02 | 0:15:05 | |
Hold up. Sorry can we...? | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
This isn't a training montage, is it? | 0:15:13 | 0:15:15 | |
It's a trip to the opticians, set to music. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
Pretty much. Yeah. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
So basically all I need to be a guide dog...is eyesight. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
How many paws am I holding up? | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
-One. -Welcome aboard. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
Nelson, tell me about yourself. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:32 | |
I'm a very lively performer. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
Um, edgy. I'm from the Mel Gibson school of acting. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:38 | |
-Interesting. -Yeah. It was. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
-(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) -OK. You're in a scene and you forget your lines. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:45 | |
-Who's fault is it? -Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! -Nelson. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
-Is it the Jews? -The Jews. Excellent. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
-So, you lose your eyeline... who's to blame? -Ooh, ooh, ooh! | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
And what have you prepared for us today? | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
Ooh. In honour of the great man, | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
I am going to perform a scene from The Passion Of The Christ. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:01 | |
Translated into English. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:02 | |
CLEARS HIS THROAT | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
Ow! Stop it! Argh! Ow, ow, ow! That hurts! Oh, crumbs! Ah! Eww! Oh-oh! | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
Seriously, where's Judas? I'll bloody kill him! Oh! Bloody hell! | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
No, not the hands! Think of my carpentry business...and scene. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:15 | |
Nelson. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
Uno momento. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
THEY WHISPER | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
-Welcome to Springwatch, luvvy! -Bravo. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:27 | |
Get in! | 0:16:27 | 0:16:28 | |
MUSIC: "Rule The World" by Take That | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
Dad, I got the part. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:40 | |
I didn't have to use the tragic back story in the end, so tell Mum she doesn't need to get cancer. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
Hmm? | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
Ah. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:47 | |
Oh. Ooh, that's bad timing. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
PIANO MUSIC | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
CIRCUS MUSIC | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
SPRINGWATCH THEME | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
Nelson! Man, I'm so frigging proud of you right now! | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
Come, come - I think we all knew I'd be on TV eventually. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
Yeah. It's just some of us just pictured it slightly differently. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:12 | |
Hello and welcome to The Semi-Automatic Surgery with me, Terry Nutkins. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:16 | |
Now, today I'm going to attempt | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
some really complicated open-heart surgery on this fox. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:23 | |
The first thing I've got to do is open him up, | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
and when I've done that, I've got to locate the coronary artery. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
When I find the blockage, | 0:17:29 | 0:17:30 | |
I've got to blast it away with this 9mm Glock gun. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:36 | |
Er... | 0:17:36 | 0:17:37 | |
OK, any of you bitches blind? | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
Because I am in the mood for some guiding! | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
Helen Keller, you did it! Bloody well done, Destiny! | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
And now I'm fully qualified I can take Gary wherever I want. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
Small problem, dumbass... | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
-Gary ain't actually blind. -Ah. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
-But he could be. -Ah! | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
-You can't hurt poor Gary! -Oh, what? Says you. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
After that acupuncture session you gave Marion. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
Serious, Nelson, it feels MAGICAL! | 0:18:04 | 0:18:08 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:18:08 | 0:18:09 | |
Amazing thing was, I FOUND these needles. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
And they've only been used once. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:14 | |
Honestly, ha, the things those junkies throw away. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
HE HOWLS | 0:18:17 | 0:18:18 | |
I make that AIDS o'clock. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
Four lives left! | 0:18:21 | 0:18:22 | |
That means I'm...I'm statistically as likely to die as Boyzone! | 0:18:22 | 0:18:26 | |
-Jan Moir! -Ah, you didn't know him. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
Six sleek swans swim swiftly southward. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
-Mixed biscuits, mixed biscuits... -It's you, innit? From Springwatch! | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
-Erm, guilty! -Oh, please scent my autograph book! | 0:18:35 | 0:18:39 | |
Go on, then. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:40 | |
-Oh! -And remember, kids... | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
Nelson says, "Rubber Up!" | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
So I'll be stage left, sniffing, sniffing, sniffing. You'll be there, forage-forage, nice flash of tail. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:53 | |
-Then we'll have Nelson enter stage right... -Oh, sounds juicy. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:57 | |
-Then I'll come over and rip his throat out. -What? | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
Oh, bravo! A live death on national television. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
Packham will LOVE this crap. Cwap. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:08 | |
Then we're agreed, we'll kill the little runt. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
HE GASPS | 0:19:11 | 0:19:12 | |
-Runt. He said "runt". With an R. -Oh, because I was going to say! | 0:19:13 | 0:19:18 | |
I mean, I know I can be a bit of a pain at times, but what was the other bit? | 0:19:18 | 0:19:22 | |
He's going to kill you. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:23 | |
HE GASPS | 0:19:23 | 0:19:25 | |
And I figure if I cut out clotted cream, full fat milk and falling out of trees, | 0:19:26 | 0:19:31 | |
I reduce my death-rate by around 2% per annum. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
All this hassle over some stupid girl. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
There's just something different about this one. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
Is it the fact that her bones aren't fully formed? | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
You shut your filthy whore mouth, Kali. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
I'm surprised you're so keen to get into another relationship anyway. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
After what happened on Blind Date. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
Will it be contestant number one, who likes chasing birds? | 0:19:48 | 0:19:53 | |
Contestant number two, who likes afternoon naps? | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
Or contestant number three, | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
1970s racist stereotype Mr Lee of the Rubbery Chicken takeaway, | 0:19:58 | 0:20:03 | |
renowned for its use of suspiciously grey, quite grisly meats? | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
You know what, Cilla? I'm going to take a gamble on this one. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
I'm totally not safe! | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
I need to get indoors, like NOW! | 0:20:12 | 0:20:15 | |
Hey! He's coming! Gary! He's coming! | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
-Oh, God! I don't know what to do. -Go on, blind him! | 0:20:19 | 0:20:22 | |
Do it, do it, do it, do it, | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
do it, do it, do it, do it, | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
-do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it... -Shut up!!! | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
Destiny? | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
ARGH! MY EYES! | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
MY EYES ARE BURNING! | 0:20:32 | 0:20:33 | |
-Hi, you! -Oh, God, oh, what have you done to me? | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
I can't SEE! | 0:20:38 | 0:20:40 | |
Talk about the blind leading the blind, ha, ha, ha! | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
Too soon? It's too soon. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:44 | |
I-I need to go! Get away! | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
If they find out I can't see... | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
I can't even bring myself to say it! | 0:20:49 | 0:20:52 | |
What? | 0:20:52 | 0:20:53 | |
They'll scoop out his insides, laminate him, drill a slot in his head and stand him outside ASDA. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:59 | |
-You mean...? -He'll be a collection box! | 0:20:59 | 0:21:02 | |
Destiny, I have to pass you the baton! | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
I have to pass you...Rodger. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:09 | |
What?! No, no, no, no, no! Hang on a second. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:13 | |
Farewell! | 0:21:13 | 0:21:14 | |
-Ow! -Oh! -Oof! | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
Bit of guidance wouldn't hurt! | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
It wasn't meant to end like this. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
I don't believe it. I don't believe it. Marion! Springwatch is after me! | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
They're not loveable, Christopher Biggins, showbiz gays! | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
-They're evil gays! -No! The very worst kind of gays! | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
-Yes! And I was thinking, maybe you could fight them off. -Ah... Yeah. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:42 | |
Thing is, I'm kind of down to my last three lives and I only need to survive another eight hours | 0:21:42 | 0:21:47 | |
until I can legally have sex with my three-week-old girlfriend. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:51 | |
Hey, we've all been there, right? | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
-Oh. All right, Nobby. -Marion. Nice to see you back on your feet after the old swine-flu episode. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:58 | |
Oh, no! Ah, sorry! Not here for you. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
Bus crash on the M60. Couple of stragglers still on life-support. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:11 | |
Wow, thank God for that! | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
-Got a little jumpy! -What are you reading? Huh. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
Angels And Demons. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
Like, uh, "Hello?" How many people got me that for Christmas? | 0:22:20 | 0:22:26 | |
-HE CHUCKLES -Anyway... | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
Oh, sure, rest. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:30 | |
I'll, um... Yeah. See you later. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
Oh, whoops! I'm all fingers and thumbs. Ah! God, I'm so sorry! | 0:22:36 | 0:22:41 | |
HEART MONITOR FLATLINES | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
Guess that's it then. I'll have to leave the bins. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
-Forever. -You can't! | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
But what will you live on? | 0:22:48 | 0:22:49 | |
My guts. My instincts. My God-given cunning. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
Plus the occasional windfall from my premium bonds. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
God they are SO frigging tax efficient! | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
Goodbye, Marion. Goodbye, den. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:00 | |
It's been real. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:02 | |
I don't believe it. This day just couldn't get any worse! | 0:23:02 | 0:23:06 | |
Hold up, brain aneurysm. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
God! Blind people are so CLINGY! | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
You look good together, though. The helpless, tragically dependent, special needs victim. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:25 | |
And the blind man. Do you see, like? I was talking about you. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:30 | |
You thought I was talking about him, but I was actually talking about you! That was the insult. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:35 | |
Oh! | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
There must be someone I can... | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
Bingo. Nelson, look after the old ball and chain. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
But I'm leaving, like now. They're going to kill me! | 0:23:42 | 0:23:45 | |
But, but, but, my lickle eyes ache and I want a nap and, and, and... | 0:23:45 | 0:23:50 | |
Well. Suppose I can... | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
Ciao! | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
Man, you are so pathetic. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
Hello, Nelson. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
-HE GASPS -OK, Rodger. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
Let's see what you can do. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:04 | |
He's onto us! After him. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
MUSIC "Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop | 0:24:06 | 0:24:11 | |
OK, there's a box to your left and... | 0:24:11 | 0:24:14 | |
Mind the barrier! | 0:24:14 | 0:24:15 | |
Oh, come on, man, pay attention! | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
And...step! | 0:24:26 | 0:24:28 | |
Chase sequences. Honestly. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
Watch the car door... | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
Yeah! OK, now we're getting somewhere. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
CAR HORN | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
Guide-dogging. Harder than it looks. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:00 | |
Now then, luvvy. Are you ready for your close-up? | 0:25:02 | 0:25:06 | |
Going live in 30 seconds. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:12 | |
I'll see you out there, Nelson! And don't worry, I won't bite. Much! | 0:25:12 | 0:25:16 | |
-Keep an eye on him, luvvy. -Oh, God! | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
I'm going to die live on Springwatch in front of a viewing audience | 0:25:19 | 0:25:23 | |
of literally dozens of virgins and old people! | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
-Vince! -What do you want? | 0:25:26 | 0:25:28 | |
-You're lucky I don't tear your bollocks off. -What for?! | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
Taking my part on Springwatch. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
-You Keira Knightley -BLEEP. -Oh! | 0:25:33 | 0:25:37 | |
Actually, why don't you play my part tonight? | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
Now wait a minute, chaps. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
-Have you cleared this with the casting director? -Whoa! | 0:25:42 | 0:25:45 | |
-Did you just call Vince a, er, a -BLEEP? -Pardon my French. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:50 | |
-I didn't say anything! -He did it again! | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
Go on, Vincent, go on, really put your back into it. Wonderful stuff. | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
And, cue Nelson! | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
Oi. Get your filthy claws off me. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:11 | |
Hang on. You're not Nelson. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
-Right, you asked for this you -BLEEP -cock garage. | 0:26:13 | 0:26:17 | |
OK, now that's just homophobic. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
Just need to stay alive 30 more seconds | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
and then we can do EVERYTHING. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
So. Me a former TV celebrity, you an ex-guide dog. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:33 | |
We'd make quite the power couple! Like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:37 | |
-Who? -Nelson. I just got rid of one aggravating moron who followed me around everywhere. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:42 | |
I don't want another! | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
-None taken. -10 seconds! I'm going to die I just KNOW it! | 0:26:45 | 0:26:49 | |
Five...four... | 0:26:49 | 0:26:51 | |
three...two... | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
one... | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
I survived! Ha-ha-ha-ha! | 0:26:55 | 0:26:58 | |
And there is now grass on the wicket, | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
so let us commence to play cricket! | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
Is it just me, or is that technically legal, | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
yet still really very creepy? | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
-Still creepy. -Oh, yeah! | 0:27:10 | 0:27:13 | |
Anyway... If I ended up with Rodger, RIP, | 0:27:13 | 0:27:17 | |
whatever happened to the guide dog? | 0:27:17 | 0:27:19 | |
If I know him, he'll be out there somewhere, running free, just following the wind. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:24 | |
MUSIC: Theme from Tales Of The Unexpected | 0:27:24 | 0:27:27 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:27:37 | 0:27:40 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:27:40 | 0:27:43 |
