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Episode 4 Mongrels

Episode 4

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Transcript

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This programme contains adult humour.

0:00:020:00:07

-I had hundreds of things to do. You had one thing to remember...

-And you're having a go at me?!

0:00:070:00:12

-Exactly!

-I've already told you...

0:00:120:00:14

Marion. SPLASH

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Marion! There's a little boy!

0:00:170:00:19

And he's drowning!

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And I need the toilet and I don't want to miss it.

0:00:210:00:23

Stay here, tell me what happens.

0:00:230:00:25

Destiny! You need to go in and save him!

0:00:250:00:27

-As if! With my fur?!

-Well, I can't! I'm a cat.

0:00:270:00:30

I'm scared of water!

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Plus I just found a Magnum Classic.

0:00:320:00:35

ENGINE REVS Ooh, speedboat!

0:00:350:00:36

-HE SIGHS

-Hold this!

0:00:370:00:38

SPLASH

0:00:420:00:43

Oh! Think I just swallowed a used plaster.

0:00:430:00:45

So, yeah, that's unpleasant. Hey!

0:00:450:00:49

Marion, you dick! He had a hat!

0:00:490:00:53

A hat? OK.

0:00:530:00:56

Frankie! Oh, my God, Frankie!

0:00:580:01:01

You...!

0:01:010:01:02

Frankie!

0:01:020:01:03

You saved my baby! Who's a clever girl?!

0:01:030:01:08

Son of bitches!

0:01:080:01:12

# La la la la

0:01:120:01:15

# La la la la la

0:01:150:01:18

# La la la la laaaa. #

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And now I'm up for this Animal Of Courage award!

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I'm going to be, like, famous!

0:01:260:01:29

Bravo, Destiny! I always knew you were a ruddy, bloody hero.

0:01:290:01:33

No. I saved that baby!

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She is a liar and a coward and a daughter of a thousand godless acne-ridden whores!

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Also she ate my Magnum Classic.

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Face it, you're just jealous because you're a dirty hydrophobic little stray that nobody loves and...

0:01:420:01:47

Shut your vile beak!

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Man, you are too easy to wind up. It's like taking candy

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from a Mr Geoffrey Stafford from Denham in Bucks.

0:01:520:01:56

Nurse! The pigeon stole me KitKat!

0:01:560:02:01

OK, Geoffrey, sleepy tablet time.

0:02:010:02:05

He-he-he-he-he!

0:02:080:02:09

Ah. That does feel good, though.

0:02:090:02:13

Ah, it's so unfair!

0:02:130:02:14

How about you, Nelson? When was your last stroke?

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Hm? Me? Oh. Uh...

0:02:160:02:19

Month. Month ago.

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Oh. You never said. Who is this?

0:02:210:02:23

Er, no-one from round here. She was...French?

0:02:230:02:26

Um, and she had really massive hands.

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Bullcrap. You are totally lying.

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I'm not. She even let me lick her fingers afterwards.

0:02:310:02:35

OK, then. So what did they taste of?

0:02:350:02:38

Baguettes?

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-Yeah.

-Sounds about right.

-I can buy that, yeah.

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Phew.

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Marion, remember 30 seconds ago, I said I'd been stroked

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by a French woman whose fingers tasted of baguettes?

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No, but carry on.

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Thing is...I lied.

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I'm... I'm kind of...

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I've never been stroked.

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Jesus Christ! You're a stroke virgin!

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Ha-ha-ha!

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Not that there's anything weird about that.

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-(Ah, so that's what they look like.)

-It just never happened for me!

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God knows I wanted it to.

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It's OK. I-I have an idea.

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MUSIC: "Smooth Operator" by Sade

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A circle-stroke?

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I'm stroking you, you're stroking me!

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Fine, I'll try it. But you, mister, are wearing protection.

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Oh! But I won't feel anything.

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Don't care.

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Now, stroke me from behind.

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We'll work up to the tummy.

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So...erm...

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going anywhere nice on holiday?

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Oh. Well, me and a couple of the guys from the bins near Asda

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are talking about going pony trekking around Ireland,

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though with the euro how it is, God knows...

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-Jesus

-BLEEP BLEEP

-Christ!

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Vince! Didn't see you there.

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Well, this has got to be the second-gayest thing I've seen in the last ten days.

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# I want to break free

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# I want to break free

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# I want to break free from your lies

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# You're so self-satisfied... #

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Now...this isn't how it looks.

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Out of interest, how does it look? With the shoes?

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-BLEEP

-a nun, Nelson!

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Even I've been stroked!

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Oh, you're kidding?! So it's literally just me?

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Yeah, it was this sweet old guy.

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He'd put raw chicken out for me, see?

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Then one night, I went round, and he'd forgotten,

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-so I kicked his

-BLEEP

-door in and chewed his

-BLEEP

-bollocks off.

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VINCE CACKLES

0:04:510:04:53

Wrong anecdote.

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Well, you know what?

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I'm going to get stroked...

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by a human! Then you'll see!

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-Anyway, Vincent, how do we help you?

-Oh. Just popped round to borrow some sugar.

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Also to bury someone.

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Fine! Just try and go a little deeper this time, will you?

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Now, this is where I belong!

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I mean, this just couldn't get any better!

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And here to present the final award, Mr Jeff Brazier!

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It just got better!

0:05:360:05:38

You know I've always wanted to sniff his groin!

0:05:380:05:41

Settle down, love.

0:05:410:05:42

Yes, it's time to award the Animal Of Courage for 2010.

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Now for your nominees.

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Lucky, the land-mine dog, who sadly left his legs behind in Iraq.

0:05:500:05:55

I can take anything - except another visit from Heather Mills.

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Bernie, the house cat,

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whose quick thinking during a chip pan fire saved his owner's life.

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The fat, stupid, drunken bastard.

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Bobby, the rabbit,

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who escaped from a research laboratory and just in time.

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LAUGHS MANIACALLY

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And Destiny, who so famously saved a little toddler's life.

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And the winner is...

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DRUM ROLL

0:06:230:06:25

-Destiny!

-Oh, my God, I don't believe it!

0:06:260:06:29

Excitable little one, isn't she?

0:06:350:06:37

Excitable? OK, Jeff, I'll show you excitable.

0:06:370:06:41

DESTINY SNIFFS

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Mmm! The sweet smell of success!

0:06:430:06:44

Excuse me, mate. Fancy a stroke?

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Ooh!

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I'm sorry! I thought you were up for it!

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I misread the signs!

0:07:020:07:03

OK, are you by any chance cottaging for a stroke?

0:07:030:07:08

Kali, shush! You'll frighten off the punters!

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Listen, I'm only telling you this

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because you look so pathetic right now it makes me want to physically...

0:07:120:07:16

Hold up.

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There's a petting zoo two miles due east. It's crawling with strokers.

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Oh! Oh, well, maybe I'll check it out. Cheers, Kali.

0:07:260:07:29

The two-faced devil-slut!

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I should be one with nose up groin of C-list reality television star

0:07:320:07:35

-and occasional ITV2 presenter!

-Quick question, Marion - have you been drinking?

0:07:350:07:40

No! I never touch the drink no more!

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Not since what happened with... with George Best!

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-MARION YAWNS

-Uh-oh.

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-HE SNORES

-You know, I can't believe I actually made you wear the shirt.

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That's just...degrading.

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Now, Destiny, she all over TV, winning the big award!

0:07:590:08:04

-I swear on my mother's teeth, I will prove

-I

-am the real hero!

0:08:040:08:09

Hold up, hold up. He's back. Is he looking, is he looking?

0:08:090:08:12

Er...

0:08:120:08:14

Bearing in mind birds have a 360-degree field of vision.

0:08:140:08:17

-Oh, in that case, definitely.

-Oh, yes! I always wanted to date a crow.

0:08:180:08:22

Ooh, the darker meats...

0:08:220:08:24

My dad'll go mad. He went mental when I was emailing Gary Wilmot.

0:08:240:08:27

But you are from totally different background! It's like the Jew dating the Arab!

0:08:270:08:32

Jews and Arabs can get along. It's not like the Jews and the badgers.

0:08:320:08:36

If your heart wills it, be brave,

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like I was on that fateful morning in the waters.

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Walk up to the crow, grab him, kiss him.

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Marion! Are you suggesting I force myself on him like some sexual predator?

0:08:470:08:51

-No!

-Right, well, could you?

0:08:510:08:53

If it all goes to the wall, I'll need an accessory before the fact.

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MUSIC: "Bright Eyes" by Art Garfunkel

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Ah...

0:09:050:09:07

Hello!

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Hello. Hi.

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Morning!

0:09:130:09:14

Lovely day for a stroke!

0:09:160:09:18

Hm. Previous chap must be on holiday or something. Oh, well.

0:09:190:09:24

# Bright eyes

0:09:240:09:27

# Burning like fire

0:09:270:09:30

# Bright eyes

0:09:320:09:35

# How can you close and fail? #

0:09:350:09:38

You got your own place?!

0:09:380:09:41

Ah, it was a freebie, perk of being a celeb.

0:09:410:09:43

Remember Leon Jackson? Won X Factor in '07?

0:09:430:09:46

-He lives in one.

-Amazing.

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-Wow!

-Oh, Marion! You'll never guess who sniffed my arse at the awards last night!

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-Todd Carty?

-The original Andrex puppy!

0:09:520:09:54

-You're kidding!

-Yeah.

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Turns out he's a total prick.

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It's like Nelson said - never meet your idols.

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That's the fascinating thing, Mr Nelson, there's no evidence.

0:10:010:10:05

-HE LAUGHS

-Right.

0:10:050:10:07

Six million dead, not a single gas chamber.

0:10:070:10:09

I've got some literature back at my...

0:10:090:10:12

Really, Basil, I should probably be... Ooh, a grey heron...

0:10:120:10:15

Anyway, I am here to publicly challenge you

0:10:150:10:19

to swimming competition to prove I am real hero.

0:10:190:10:23

What's this? What's this?

0:10:230:10:24

Marion...you big idiot! Have you been drinking again?

0:10:240:10:28

No! I never touch the demon drink!

0:10:280:10:30

Not since what happened with Oliver Reed!

0:10:300:10:32

-What happened?

-He got cirrhosis of the liver and he died.

-Right.

0:10:320:10:36

So, come, deceitful hell-slag... let us swim!

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SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Just this way.

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OK, OK! You saved the boy. In fact, have my award.

0:10:430:10:46

-Really?

-Yeah, sure.

0:10:460:10:47

I mean, after all, you do totally deserve it.

0:10:470:10:51

Ow! Destiny! Ugh!

0:10:510:10:54

God...I totally didn't see this coming.

0:10:550:10:58

Oh, God. I think you just...detached...my...my retina.

0:10:580:11:03

Oh, man, there was really no need for that to go on so long. Oh!

0:11:060:11:10

Oh, no! And now you're doing it some more. This is...

0:11:100:11:13

# ..Though my pocket may be empty

0:11:130:11:17

# I'd be a millionaire

0:11:170:11:21

# My clothes may still be torn and tattered... #

0:11:230:11:28

Hello there, sir, would you be at all interested in stroking a fox?

0:11:280:11:33

Madam, my name's Nelson. Wonder if you could just spare a... No?

0:11:330:11:38

Stroke a fox - win a speedboat!

0:11:380:11:40

Oh, it's pointless.

0:11:400:11:42

Maybe I'm just not special enough.

0:11:420:11:45

Hello. Who's this?

0:11:450:11:47

Oh, my God!

0:11:470:11:49

You...you're going to touch me now, aren't you?

0:11:490:11:52

SNIFFS

0:11:520:11:54

Oh, God! Elderflower hand lotion!

0:11:540:11:57

Oh, yeah... Oh...Oh, right through the fur... Yeah. Mmm...

0:11:590:12:03

Mmm...

0:12:030:12:04

Oh, you know I like it behind the ears.

0:12:040:12:06

The tummy, the tummy, the tummy...!

0:12:060:12:10

The tummy! The tummy!

0:12:100:12:12

The tummy! The tummy! The tum!

0:12:120:12:14

Oh...!

0:12:140:12:17

Phwah-hoo...

0:12:180:12:21

-I did it. I finally did it!

-CLEARS THROAT

0:12:220:12:27

Now, er, sweetheart, why don't we just grab a mocha, take in a matinee?

0:12:270:12:33

I hear the new production of Joseph is pret...

0:12:330:12:36

Oh. Something I said?

0:12:360:12:38

Call me!

0:12:380:12:40

Look, this is, like, probably going to come out all wrong and that,

0:12:460:12:50

but I don't care, cos you're, like, the fittest...

0:12:500:12:52

No, let me finish.

0:12:520:12:53

See, I think you're proper buff

0:12:530:12:55

and I can't stop thinking about you and... Oh, what the hell.

0:12:550:12:59

So, anyway... Yeah, you can speak.

0:13:030:13:05

You do realise I'm a girl?

0:13:050:13:08

Oh, my God, no!

0:13:080:13:10

I did not realise that.

0:13:100:13:11

So, yeah, yeah, that's your basic accidental lesbianism right there.

0:13:110:13:15

Hey, it happens.

0:13:150:13:16

You know, fashion's so androgynous these days,

0:13:160:13:19

plus us members of the bird family...

0:13:190:13:21

-like, no visible genitals.

-Yeah! Which really doesn't help.

0:13:210:13:25

Yeah... Look, um, I know a little birdbath around the corner.

0:13:250:13:28

Fancy a drink?

0:13:280:13:31

-Just as mates?

-Sure, mates.

0:13:310:13:35

Ooh.

0:13:390:13:40

Uh...so, like, yeah, if you could just do it a little softer, that would be...

0:13:420:13:46

Ow! Ow! Fur...trapped in watchstrap!

0:13:460:13:48

Don't move. I'll see if I can, um...Argh!

0:13:480:13:52

Oh, great(!)

0:13:520:13:54

He got Wotsits on me!

0:13:540:13:57

Well, I think that's about all the stroking this fox can take for one day.

0:13:570:14:01

Oh, no!

0:14:020:14:03

Oh, God, no!

0:14:030:14:05

Oh, guys! Thank God you're here.

0:14:060:14:09

-Um, I need you to let me out.

-Hi, Nelson.

0:14:090:14:11

-Bye, Nelson!

-What?

0:14:130:14:15

What are you doing? You can't just leave us here!

0:14:150:14:17

I can do anything I want.

0:14:170:14:19

I'm the dog they're already calling the 21st-century Lassie!

0:14:190:14:22

-BARK

-What's that, girl?

0:14:220:14:24

Timmy's accidentally reset his 80GB iPod Classic to factory settings

0:14:240:14:29

and lost his entire back catalogue

0:14:290:14:31

of unreleased Pink Floyd studio tracks?

0:14:310:14:33

BARK

0:14:330:14:34

-To the barn. I'll get my FireWire cable!

-BARK

0:14:340:14:37

-Ciao!

-Destiny, wait!

0:14:370:14:40

Where am I? Crap on walls, scent of dying animals...

0:14:410:14:47

Christ Jesus, it's a Premier Inn!

0:14:470:14:50

I demand to speak to Lenny Henry!

0:14:500:14:54

Brilliant, Marion - big help(!)

0:14:540:14:56

MUSIC: "Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry

0:14:560:14:59

# This was never the way I planned... #

0:14:590:15:04

Anyway, let me introduce you to everyone. This is Guy and Harvey.

0:15:040:15:08

Nice to meet you.

0:15:080:15:09

-All right.

-All right.

0:15:090:15:11

Sally and Nadine.

0:15:110:15:12

-Hi.

-Hey.

0:15:120:15:13

Andy and Quentin.

0:15:130:15:14

-Hello.

-How do?

0:15:140:15:15

-And Penny and Vicky.

-Evenin'.

0:15:150:15:18

Would it be fair to say that you've brought me to a gay, lesbian and transgender birdbath?

0:15:180:15:22

Yes. Yes, that would be fair.

0:15:220:15:24

Actually, we thought we might all get in.

0:15:240:15:26

Wash together.

0:15:260:15:28

Why not? We're all birds!

0:15:280:15:31

Woo-hoo! Jump in! Come on!

0:15:310:15:32

Look, no offence, yeah, but I don't bat for the other team.

0:15:320:15:36

Not that I've been in to bat for a while.

0:15:360:15:38

But just cos you're not getting picked,

0:15:380:15:40

-don't mean you should switch sides!

-CHUCKLES

0:15:400:15:43

Oh, it is warm!

0:15:460:15:48

RATTLING

0:15:530:15:56

Anyone! Please!

0:15:560:15:57

-I'm not supposed to be here!

-Come, come, this could be worse.

0:15:570:16:01

We are stroked day in, day out, whether we consent to it or not! How could it be any worse?!

0:16:010:16:06

Well, we could literally be being forced into having sex with people.

0:16:060:16:09

Oh, that's right, you just blow the whole subtext.

0:16:090:16:13

So...the fox got himself in too deep, did he?

0:16:130:16:15

Oh. Hello.

0:16:150:16:18

Well, you're in a petting zoo now, sonny.

0:16:180:16:21

And it ain't all sunshine and picnics.

0:16:210:16:24

Apart from in the designated picnicking areas.

0:16:240:16:26

-Crikey.

-That's why I drink.

0:16:260:16:29

To dull the stroking sensation.

0:16:300:16:33

-LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-Marion, we need to get out of here!

0:16:380:16:41

Relax. I have an idea.

0:16:410:16:43

We distract the zookeeper with...

0:16:430:16:46

wiggly string!

0:16:460:16:47

Yes. Except that only really works on... Marion.

0:16:470:16:51

MARION CHUCKLES

0:16:510:16:53

-Marion?

-MARION CHUCKLES

0:16:530:16:55

-Marion.

-MARION CHUCKLES

0:16:550:16:56

-Marion. Marion.

-MARION CHUCKLES

0:16:560:16:58

-Marion.

-MARION CHUCKLES

0:16:580:16:59

-Marion. Marion.

-MARION CHUCKLES

0:16:590:17:02

Marion.

0:17:020:17:03

-MARION CHUCKLES

-Marion...

0:17:030:17:05

-Marion.

-MARION CHUCKLES

0:17:070:17:09

-Marion.

-MARION CHUCKLES

0:17:090:17:10

-Marion.

-Yes, mate?

0:17:100:17:11

Oh, forget it, I'll do it myself.

0:17:110:17:13

I'll see the sun set over those bins if it's the last... Marion...

0:17:130:17:17

MARION CHUCKLES

0:17:170:17:18

I'm here in London

0:17:200:17:22

on the sunny banks of the Thames to meet a very special girl.

0:17:220:17:27

So, Gary, tell us about your Destiny.

0:17:270:17:29

OMFG. I'm breaking America!

0:17:290:17:33

She's surprised us all, to be honest.

0:17:330:17:35

Ever since it happened, it's all gone off.

0:17:350:17:37

We've even had Hollywood on the phone.

0:17:370:17:39

DESTINY GASPS A movie!

0:17:390:17:41

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

0:17:410:17:43

Does anyone else just feel like peeing everywhere?!

0:17:430:17:46

Just me?

0:17:460:17:47

Well, we've actually got a little surprise for you.

0:17:470:17:50

Yes, he's here today, the little boy you saved!

0:17:500:17:54

Bring him out. It's Frankie!

0:17:540:17:56

Frankie! Where are you?

0:17:580:18:01

Oh, my God.

0:18:010:18:03

-Oh, my God - he's in the water!

-Someone go in after him! Go in! Go in!

0:18:030:18:06

I can't! I can't swim!

0:18:060:18:08

-Well, I can't!

-MAN:

-Me neither.

0:18:080:18:09

Uh, yeah...

0:18:120:18:13

Thing is, right...kind of waiting for my breakfast to go down

0:18:130:18:17

and, er...

0:18:170:18:19

SPEEDBOAT REVS

0:18:190:18:21

SIREN WAILS

0:18:210:18:22

Wonder if I'm still doing Loose Women.

0:18:240:18:26

Bad girl! Very bad girl!

0:18:260:18:30

Probably not.

0:18:300:18:32

MUSIC: "Letter Duet" from The Marriage Of Figaro by Mozart

0:18:320:18:36

MORGAN FREEMAN VOICE: It took Andy Dufresne damn near 20 years

0:19:020:19:05

to tunnel out of the Shawshank Penitentiary.

0:19:050:19:09

That was in the film, The Shawshank Redemption.

0:19:090:19:12

Nelson the fox gave up after just six minutes.

0:19:120:19:15

Ugh, no, that actually does hurt my wrist a bit.

0:19:150:19:18

I mean, God, it's just a toddler, you know. They'll get over it.

0:19:200:19:24

Yeah.

0:19:240:19:26

Course, you have seen that...?

0:19:260:19:27

Uh? Oh, my days! And they've left a dog crap on the...

0:19:270:19:31

No, hold on, that's one of mine.

0:19:310:19:33

Oh, the fickle finger of fame.

0:19:330:19:35

At this rate, you'll be less popular than the dog who ruined the last two Matrix films.

0:19:350:19:39

What? There wasn't a dog.

0:19:390:19:41

Well, not IN them, no.

0:19:410:19:43

Blah, blah, blahdy, blah, blah, blah - finished!

0:19:430:19:48

Hold up...

0:19:480:19:49

you look different.

0:19:490:19:50

-Have you had a bath or something?

-No!

0:19:500:19:53

What?! No way! Why would I...? And even if I had, you killed a toddler!

0:19:530:19:57

Oh, oh...good.

0:19:570:20:01

Kali, just hear me out. See, ever since we kissed...

0:20:010:20:03

Hold up, hold up...lesbianism?

0:20:030:20:06

OK, OK, you try telling a male crow from a female one!

0:20:060:20:10

It's like playing Spot The Belgian at an international incest convention.

0:20:100:20:14

The point is, I think you'd make a really excellent lesbian.

0:20:140:20:18

Oh.

0:20:180:20:20

Right, well, cheers.

0:20:200:20:21

And think of the benefits. For one, you'd make a lot of new friends.

0:20:210:20:25

COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS

0:20:260:20:29

# If you're uncomfortable with coming out

0:20:290:20:33

# Just listen to what I says-bian

0:20:330:20:35

# Whatever anyone thinks of gays

0:20:350:20:38

# Everyone loves a lesbian

0:20:380:20:40

# Everybody loves a lesbian, honey

0:20:400:20:43

# Norton's passe, Ellen's funny

0:20:430:20:45

# Let those Baptists think what they like

0:20:450:20:47

# There's nothing No, nothing quite like a dyke

0:20:470:20:50

# It's so wrong when you see boys kissing

0:20:540:20:56

# But girl on girl See what you're missing

0:20:560:20:59

# Lindsay Lohan never stopped traffic

0:20:590:21:01

# Till she rode Sam Ronson and came out Sapphic

0:21:010:21:04

# Everybody loves a lesbian, baby

0:21:040:21:06

# You'll shout "Yes!" during sex not "Maybe!"

0:21:060:21:08

# Camp is cliche Lezzers have class

0:21:080:21:11

# You'll never find us cottaging for George Michael's ass

0:21:110:21:14

# So what if our haircuts make us all look the same

0:21:170:21:20

# At least we don't give the Catholic Church a bad name

0:21:200:21:22

# No gay looks great in a girly frock

0:21:220:21:24

# All ladies look lovely in a strap-on cock... #

0:21:240:21:28

One more time!

0:21:380:21:40

# Everybody loves a lesbian, baby

0:21:400:21:42

# A muff-diving, rough-driving Car-fixing lady

0:21:420:21:44

# Come on out Join us in heaven

0:21:440:21:47

# We'll soon be eating brunch off Pam St Clement! #

0:21:470:21:51

Woo-hoo!

0:21:510:21:53

Hmm. Could I be the butch one?

0:21:550:21:57

If you like.

0:21:570:21:59

Still no.

0:21:590:22:00

COCK CROWS

0:22:000:22:02

COUGHS

0:22:020:22:05

Ah, blessed are we to be alive this morning!

0:22:050:22:08

Big man, how you sleeping?

0:22:080:22:10

I was cold, I was hungry, I didn't have a reading lamp,

0:22:100:22:15

and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, a predator got in!

0:22:150:22:18

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh...

0:22:200:22:24

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh...

0:22:240:22:26

Yeah, OK, I've got my own cat at home - Cindy.

0:22:280:22:31

But somehow we don't seem to connect any more.

0:22:310:22:34

Oh, you're quite soft under there, aren't you?

0:22:340:22:36

You think that's bad. Wait till this afternoon.

0:22:380:22:42

What happens this afternoon?

0:22:420:22:43

Annual visit of Church Brampton CP Primary School.

0:22:430:22:47

30 hungry-handed, snot-fingered, little eight-year-olds.

0:22:470:22:51

And they all stroke at once!

0:22:510:22:52

-NELSON GASPS

-I'm going to get gang-stroked?!

0:22:520:22:56

Oh...!

0:22:560:22:58

-A-ha! So you have finally come to apologise for taking credit for my act of bravery.

-As if!

0:22:580:23:05

-It's cos no-one else'll talk to me.

-I did notice you were going through a slight image problem.

0:23:050:23:10

I've lost my endorsements! They cancelled my movie!

0:23:100:23:13

And today I was reduced to degrading myself on film

0:23:130:23:16

in the worst way imaginable!

0:23:160:23:18

Chicken Tikka Popcorn - only £1 at Iceland!

0:23:180:23:23

-Destiny, there is a way to show the world you're a hero.

-Hm?

0:23:230:23:26

-Help us escape!

-Nah. That sounds quite difficult.

0:23:260:23:30

Huh! Why not just get someone else to do it and take all the credit?

0:23:300:23:35

Hmm? Hmm?!

0:23:350:23:36

Yeah...yeah, I could do that.

0:23:360:23:38

What? No! I was being... Did you...? I went, "Hm?" Did you not get...? Oh...

0:23:380:23:43

Target is urban fox,

0:23:450:23:47

reddish hair, approximately two foot four, answers to "Nelson".

0:23:470:23:51

Also "The Divine Miss Vulpine".

0:23:510:23:53

Animals Of Courage, do we know our battle plan?

0:23:530:23:55

-Bernie?

-I get us in the gate.

0:23:550:23:58

-Bobby?

-I...take...out...the...alarms.

0:23:580:24:02

-Vince?

-I get the guard, right,

0:24:020:24:03

-and I

-BLEEP

-him up, like proper beat the

-BLEEP

-out of him,

0:24:030:24:07

-then, right, I get my

-BLEEP

-and I ram it down his throat -

0:24:070:24:11

-see how he likes being

-BLEEP

-like a Spanish choirboy!

0:24:110:24:16

OK, slight embellishment there, Vince, but I'll let it slide.

0:24:160:24:20

-And I'll do the packed lunches!

-Excellent! Everyone...paws in!

0:24:200:24:23

Animals Of Courage are...

0:24:230:24:25

-ALL SHOUT AT ONCE:

-Go!

-Ready!

-Cool!

-Mwoo!

-(BLEEP!)

0:24:250:24:28

Might need to work on that.

0:24:280:24:29

MUSIC: "Underdog" by Kasabian

0:24:340:24:36

# Kill me if you dare

0:24:460:24:48

# Hold my head up everywhere

0:24:480:24:51

# Keep myself right on this train

0:24:510:24:55

# I'm the underdog

0:24:550:24:58

# Live my life on a lullaby

0:24:580:25:00

# Keep myself riding on this train

0:25:000:25:05

# Keep myself riding on this train! #

0:25:050:25:08

-Stairs. Bugger.

-Oh, God! What do we do?

0:25:080:25:12

Only thing you can do - go on without me.

0:25:120:25:14

No! No animals left behind.

0:25:140:25:17

Hold up - where's Bobby?

0:25:170:25:19

-Who? Oh, what, you mean the big twitchy

-BLEEP?

0:25:190:25:22

-Oh, I say!

-Um, Vince, apparently they prefer the word "retard".

0:25:220:25:27

Eh? Oh, how very quaint.

0:25:270:25:29

-Destiny!

-Bernie!

0:25:290:25:32

-Ow!

-Go after him!

0:25:320:25:33

-You just knocked a scab off!

-Destiny, rolling forward here.

0:25:330:25:37

Destiny, I hope you remembered to pack my Scotch egg.

0:25:370:25:39

TOOTING

0:25:390:25:41

SPLAT! Oh, for crying out loud!

0:25:410:25:43

You Animals Of Courage are just too...disabled!

0:25:430:25:46

Oi! You can't say that!

0:25:460:25:48

Yeah! I'm not disabled - I'm disfigured.

0:25:480:25:52

-He's disabled.

-Who are you calling a

-BLEEP?

0:25:520:25:55

No-one.

0:25:550:25:57

I know. I just felt a bit left out.

0:25:570:26:00

SHOUTING

0:26:000:26:02

OK, so who wants their sandwich now?

0:26:020:26:07

I can hear them.

0:26:110:26:13

GIGGLING

0:26:130:26:17

-It's started.

-Ice-cream weather too.

0:26:180:26:22

Trust me, you'll never feel clean again.

0:26:220:26:25

Oh, God...oh, God...oh, God...

0:26:250:26:29

To be honest with you... quite looking forward to it.

0:26:290:26:32

OK. OK, you son of a bitch eight-year-olds...

0:26:320:26:36

take me!

0:26:360:26:37

-Destiny!

-Go! Get out! I'll hold them off!

0:26:370:26:41

Oh, she done it again! Those strokes were mine!

0:26:410:26:44

-But your fur!

-Just go!

0:26:440:26:46

Wait! Creepy Morgan Freeman lamb! Come with us!

0:26:460:26:49

I can't. Sure, this petting zoo might be hell, being stroked,

0:26:490:26:55

petted and prodded all day every day, but goddamn it, it's my hell and...

0:26:550:27:01

-OK, bye!

-Ow, ow, ah, ah!

0:27:010:27:04

And, Destiny, I think you've proved beyond any doubt that you are indeed a hero.

0:27:070:27:12

Oh, cheers.

0:27:120:27:14

Unfortunately, in the eyes of the public,

0:27:140:27:16

saving a fox from a petting zoo doesn't quite make up

0:27:160:27:19

for letting a four-year-old drown on television.

0:27:190:27:21

Yeah. I did notice that.

0:27:210:27:23

-OK, this going to be good.

-What is?

0:27:250:27:27

I'm being stalked by a really friendly, quite persuasive lesbian.

0:27:270:27:31

But I got to thinking...what is the best way to scare a lesbian crow?

0:27:310:27:35

Ooh! A scarecrow?

0:27:350:27:38

That's right. A scarecrow. With a penis.

0:27:380:27:40

Kali, I've put together a PowerPoint on the financial benefits of lesbian...

0:27:420:27:47

Oh, Lord! Oh, Jesus Christ!

0:27:470:27:50

What is that thing?! Argh!

0:27:500:27:53

-Simple. But effective.

-Wow.

0:27:550:27:57

Can't believe that actually worked. Eh, Marion?

0:27:570:28:00

Marion?

0:28:000:28:02

-Marion?

-MARION CHUCKLES

0:28:020:28:04

Marion?

0:28:040:28:06

-Marion? Marion...?

-MARION CHUCKLES

0:28:060:28:08

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:210:28:24

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:240:28:27

Marion?

0:28:290:28:31

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