Adult multi-species puppet comedy. Nelson gets an unwanted stroke at a petting zoo, Marion saves a child from drowning and Kali falls for a muscly crow that turns out to be female.
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This programme contains adult humour.
-I had hundreds of things to do. You had one thing to remember...
-And you're having a go at me?!
-I've already told you...
Marion! There's a little boy!
And he's drowning!
And I need the toilet and I don't want to miss it.
Stay here, tell me what happens.
Destiny! You need to go in and save him!
-As if! With my fur?!
-Well, I can't! I'm a cat.
I'm scared of water!
Plus I just found a Magnum Classic.
ENGINE REVS Ooh, speedboat!
Oh! Think I just swallowed a used plaster.
So, yeah, that's unpleasant. Hey!
Marion, you dick! He had a hat!
A hat? OK.
Frankie! Oh, my God, Frankie!
You saved my baby! Who's a clever girl?!
Son of bitches!
# La la la la
# La la la la la
# La la la la laaaa. #
And now I'm up for this Animal Of Courage award!
I'm going to be, like, famous!
Bravo, Destiny! I always knew you were a ruddy, bloody hero.
No. I saved that baby!
She is a liar and a coward and a daughter of a thousand godless acne-ridden whores!
Also she ate my Magnum Classic.
Face it, you're just jealous because you're a dirty hydrophobic little stray that nobody loves and...
Shut your vile beak!
Man, you are too easy to wind up. It's like taking candy
from a Mr Geoffrey Stafford from Denham in Bucks.
Nurse! The pigeon stole me KitKat!
OK, Geoffrey, sleepy tablet time.
Ah. That does feel good, though.
Ah, it's so unfair!
How about you, Nelson? When was your last stroke?
Hm? Me? Oh. Uh...
Month. Month ago.
Oh. You never said. Who is this?
Er, no-one from round here. She was...French?
Um, and she had really massive hands.
Bullcrap. You are totally lying.
I'm not. She even let me lick her fingers afterwards.
OK, then. So what did they taste of?
-Sounds about right.
-I can buy that, yeah.
Marion, remember 30 seconds ago, I said I'd been stroked
by a French woman whose fingers tasted of baguettes?
No, but carry on.
Thing is...I lied.
I'm... I'm kind of...
I've never been stroked.
Jesus Christ! You're a stroke virgin!
Not that there's anything weird about that.
-(Ah, so that's what they look like.)
-It just never happened for me!
God knows I wanted it to.
It's OK. I-I have an idea.
MUSIC: "Smooth Operator" by Sade
I'm stroking you, you're stroking me!
Fine, I'll try it. But you, mister, are wearing protection.
Oh! But I won't feel anything.
Now, stroke me from behind.
We'll work up to the tummy.
going anywhere nice on holiday?
Oh. Well, me and a couple of the guys from the bins near Asda
are talking about going pony trekking around Ireland,
though with the euro how it is, God knows...
Vince! Didn't see you there.
Well, this has got to be the second-gayest thing I've seen in the last ten days.
# I want to break free
# I want to break free
# I want to break free from your lies
# You're so self-satisfied... #
Now...this isn't how it looks.
Out of interest, how does it look? With the shoes?
-a nun, Nelson!
Even I've been stroked!
Oh, you're kidding?! So it's literally just me?
Yeah, it was this sweet old guy.
He'd put raw chicken out for me, see?
Then one night, I went round, and he'd forgotten,
-so I kicked his
-door in and chewed his
Well, you know what?
I'm going to get stroked...
by a human! Then you'll see!
-Anyway, Vincent, how do we help you?
-Oh. Just popped round to borrow some sugar.
Also to bury someone.
Fine! Just try and go a little deeper this time, will you?
Now, this is where I belong!
I mean, this just couldn't get any better!
And here to present the final award, Mr Jeff Brazier!
It just got better!
You know I've always wanted to sniff his groin!
Settle down, love.
Yes, it's time to award the Animal Of Courage for 2010.
Now for your nominees.
Lucky, the land-mine dog, who sadly left his legs behind in Iraq.
I can take anything - except another visit from Heather Mills.
Bernie, the house cat,
whose quick thinking during a chip pan fire saved his owner's life.
The fat, stupid, drunken bastard.
Bobby, the rabbit,
who escaped from a research laboratory and just in time.
And Destiny, who so famously saved a little toddler's life.
And the winner is...
-Oh, my God, I don't believe it!
Excitable little one, isn't she?
Excitable? OK, Jeff, I'll show you excitable.
Mmm! The sweet smell of success!
Excuse me, mate. Fancy a stroke?
I'm sorry! I thought you were up for it!
I misread the signs!
OK, are you by any chance cottaging for a stroke?
Kali, shush! You'll frighten off the punters!
Listen, I'm only telling you this
because you look so pathetic right now it makes me want to physically...
There's a petting zoo two miles due east. It's crawling with strokers.
Oh! Oh, well, maybe I'll check it out. Cheers, Kali.
The two-faced devil-slut!
I should be one with nose up groin of C-list reality television star
-and occasional ITV2 presenter!
-Quick question, Marion - have you been drinking?
No! I never touch the drink no more!
Not since what happened with... with George Best!
-You know, I can't believe I actually made you wear the shirt.
Now, Destiny, she all over TV, winning the big award!
-I swear on my mother's teeth, I will prove
-am the real hero!
Hold up, hold up. He's back. Is he looking, is he looking?
Bearing in mind birds have a 360-degree field of vision.
-Oh, in that case, definitely.
-Oh, yes! I always wanted to date a crow.
Ooh, the darker meats...
My dad'll go mad. He went mental when I was emailing Gary Wilmot.
But you are from totally different background! It's like the Jew dating the Arab!
Jews and Arabs can get along. It's not like the Jews and the badgers.
If your heart wills it, be brave,
like I was on that fateful morning in the waters.
Walk up to the crow, grab him, kiss him.
Marion! Are you suggesting I force myself on him like some sexual predator?
-Right, well, could you?
If it all goes to the wall, I'll need an accessory before the fact.
MUSIC: "Bright Eyes" by Art Garfunkel
Lovely day for a stroke!
Hm. Previous chap must be on holiday or something. Oh, well.
# Bright eyes
# Burning like fire
# Bright eyes
# How can you close and fail? #
You got your own place?!
Ah, it was a freebie, perk of being a celeb.
Remember Leon Jackson? Won X Factor in '07?
-He lives in one.
-Oh, Marion! You'll never guess who sniffed my arse at the awards last night!
-The original Andrex puppy!
Turns out he's a total prick.
It's like Nelson said - never meet your idols.
That's the fascinating thing, Mr Nelson, there's no evidence.
Six million dead, not a single gas chamber.
I've got some literature back at my...
Really, Basil, I should probably be... Ooh, a grey heron...
Anyway, I am here to publicly challenge you
to swimming competition to prove I am real hero.
What's this? What's this?
Marion...you big idiot! Have you been drinking again?
No! I never touch the demon drink!
Not since what happened with Oliver Reed!
-He got cirrhosis of the liver and he died.
So, come, deceitful hell-slag... let us swim!
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Just this way.
OK, OK! You saved the boy. In fact, have my award.
I mean, after all, you do totally deserve it.
Ow! Destiny! Ugh!
God...I totally didn't see this coming.
Oh, God. I think you just...detached...my...my retina.
Oh, man, there was really no need for that to go on so long. Oh!
Oh, no! And now you're doing it some more. This is...
# ..Though my pocket may be empty
# I'd be a millionaire
# My clothes may still be torn and tattered... #
Hello there, sir, would you be at all interested in stroking a fox?
Madam, my name's Nelson. Wonder if you could just spare a... No?
Stroke a fox - win a speedboat!
Oh, it's pointless.
Maybe I'm just not special enough.
Hello. Who's this?
Oh, my God!
You...you're going to touch me now, aren't you?
Oh, God! Elderflower hand lotion!
Oh, yeah... Oh...Oh, right through the fur... Yeah. Mmm...
Oh, you know I like it behind the ears.
The tummy, the tummy, the tummy...!
The tummy! The tummy!
The tummy! The tummy! The tum!
-I did it. I finally did it!
Now, er, sweetheart, why don't we just grab a mocha, take in a matinee?
I hear the new production of Joseph is pret...
Oh. Something I said?
Look, this is, like, probably going to come out all wrong and that,
but I don't care, cos you're, like, the fittest...
No, let me finish.
See, I think you're proper buff
and I can't stop thinking about you and... Oh, what the hell.
So, anyway... Yeah, you can speak.
You do realise I'm a girl?
Oh, my God, no!
I did not realise that.
So, yeah, yeah, that's your basic accidental lesbianism right there.
Hey, it happens.
You know, fashion's so androgynous these days,
plus us members of the bird family...
-like, no visible genitals.
-Yeah! Which really doesn't help.
Yeah... Look, um, I know a little birdbath around the corner.
Fancy a drink?
-Just as mates?
Uh...so, like, yeah, if you could just do it a little softer, that would be...
Ow! Ow! Fur...trapped in watchstrap!
Don't move. I'll see if I can, um...Argh!
He got Wotsits on me!
Well, I think that's about all the stroking this fox can take for one day.
Oh, God, no!
Oh, guys! Thank God you're here.
-Um, I need you to let me out.
What are you doing? You can't just leave us here!
I can do anything I want.
I'm the dog they're already calling the 21st-century Lassie!
-What's that, girl?
Timmy's accidentally reset his 80GB iPod Classic to factory settings
and lost his entire back catalogue
of unreleased Pink Floyd studio tracks?
-To the barn. I'll get my FireWire cable!
Where am I? Crap on walls, scent of dying animals...
Christ Jesus, it's a Premier Inn!
I demand to speak to Lenny Henry!
Brilliant, Marion - big help(!)
MUSIC: "Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry
# This was never the way I planned... #
Anyway, let me introduce you to everyone. This is Guy and Harvey.
Nice to meet you.
Sally and Nadine.
Andy and Quentin.
-And Penny and Vicky.
Would it be fair to say that you've brought me to a gay, lesbian and transgender birdbath?
Yes. Yes, that would be fair.
Actually, we thought we might all get in.
Why not? We're all birds!
Woo-hoo! Jump in! Come on!
Look, no offence, yeah, but I don't bat for the other team.
Not that I've been in to bat for a while.
But just cos you're not getting picked,
-don't mean you should switch sides!
Oh, it is warm!
-I'm not supposed to be here!
-Come, come, this could be worse.
We are stroked day in, day out, whether we consent to it or not! How could it be any worse?!
Well, we could literally be being forced into having sex with people.
Oh, that's right, you just blow the whole subtext.
So...the fox got himself in too deep, did he?
Well, you're in a petting zoo now, sonny.
And it ain't all sunshine and picnics.
Apart from in the designated picnicking areas.
-That's why I drink.
To dull the stroking sensation.
-Marion, we need to get out of here!
Relax. I have an idea.
We distract the zookeeper with...
Yes. Except that only really works on... Marion.
Oh, forget it, I'll do it myself.
I'll see the sun set over those bins if it's the last... Marion...
I'm here in London
on the sunny banks of the Thames to meet a very special girl.
So, Gary, tell us about your Destiny.
OMFG. I'm breaking America!
She's surprised us all, to be honest.
Ever since it happened, it's all gone off.
We've even had Hollywood on the phone.
DESTINY GASPS A movie!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Does anyone else just feel like peeing everywhere?!
Well, we've actually got a little surprise for you.
Yes, he's here today, the little boy you saved!
Bring him out. It's Frankie!
Frankie! Where are you?
Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God - he's in the water!
-Someone go in after him! Go in! Go in!
I can't! I can't swim!
-Well, I can't!
Thing is, right...kind of waiting for my breakfast to go down
Wonder if I'm still doing Loose Women.
Bad girl! Very bad girl!
MUSIC: "Letter Duet" from The Marriage Of Figaro by Mozart
MORGAN FREEMAN VOICE: It took Andy Dufresne damn near 20 years
to tunnel out of the Shawshank Penitentiary.
That was in the film, The Shawshank Redemption.
Nelson the fox gave up after just six minutes.
Ugh, no, that actually does hurt my wrist a bit.
I mean, God, it's just a toddler, you know. They'll get over it.
Course, you have seen that...?
Uh? Oh, my days! And they've left a dog crap on the...
No, hold on, that's one of mine.
Oh, the fickle finger of fame.
At this rate, you'll be less popular than the dog who ruined the last two Matrix films.
What? There wasn't a dog.
Well, not IN them, no.
Blah, blah, blahdy, blah, blah, blah - finished!
you look different.
-Have you had a bath or something?
What?! No way! Why would I...? And even if I had, you killed a toddler!
Kali, just hear me out. See, ever since we kissed...
Hold up, hold up...lesbianism?
OK, OK, you try telling a male crow from a female one!
It's like playing Spot The Belgian at an international incest convention.
The point is, I think you'd make a really excellent lesbian.
Right, well, cheers.
And think of the benefits. For one, you'd make a lot of new friends.
COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS
# If you're uncomfortable with coming out
# Just listen to what I says-bian
# Whatever anyone thinks of gays
# Everyone loves a lesbian
# Everybody loves a lesbian, honey
# Norton's passe, Ellen's funny
# Let those Baptists think what they like
# There's nothing No, nothing quite like a dyke
# It's so wrong when you see boys kissing
# But girl on girl See what you're missing
# Lindsay Lohan never stopped traffic
# Till she rode Sam Ronson and came out Sapphic
# Everybody loves a lesbian, baby
# You'll shout "Yes!" during sex not "Maybe!"
# Camp is cliche Lezzers have class
# You'll never find us cottaging for George Michael's ass
# So what if our haircuts make us all look the same
# At least we don't give the Catholic Church a bad name
# No gay looks great in a girly frock
# All ladies look lovely in a strap-on cock... #
One more time!
# Everybody loves a lesbian, baby
# A muff-diving, rough-driving Car-fixing lady
# Come on out Join us in heaven
# We'll soon be eating brunch off Pam St Clement! #
Hmm. Could I be the butch one?
If you like.
Ah, blessed are we to be alive this morning!
Big man, how you sleeping?
I was cold, I was hungry, I didn't have a reading lamp,
and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, a predator got in!
Yeah, OK, I've got my own cat at home - Cindy.
But somehow we don't seem to connect any more.
Oh, you're quite soft under there, aren't you?
You think that's bad. Wait till this afternoon.
What happens this afternoon?
Annual visit of Church Brampton CP Primary School.
30 hungry-handed, snot-fingered, little eight-year-olds.
And they all stroke at once!
-I'm going to get gang-stroked?!
-A-ha! So you have finally come to apologise for taking credit for my act of bravery.
-It's cos no-one else'll talk to me.
-I did notice you were going through a slight image problem.
I've lost my endorsements! They cancelled my movie!
And today I was reduced to degrading myself on film
in the worst way imaginable!
Chicken Tikka Popcorn - only £1 at Iceland!
-Destiny, there is a way to show the world you're a hero.
-Help us escape!
-Nah. That sounds quite difficult.
Huh! Why not just get someone else to do it and take all the credit?
Yeah...yeah, I could do that.
What? No! I was being... Did you...? I went, "Hm?" Did you not get...? Oh...
Target is urban fox,
reddish hair, approximately two foot four, answers to "Nelson".
Also "The Divine Miss Vulpine".
Animals Of Courage, do we know our battle plan?
-I get us in the gate.
-I get the guard, right,
-him up, like proper beat the
-out of him,
-then, right, I get my
-and I ram it down his throat -
-see how he likes being
-like a Spanish choirboy!
OK, slight embellishment there, Vince, but I'll let it slide.
-And I'll do the packed lunches!
-Excellent! Everyone...paws in!
Animals Of Courage are...
-ALL SHOUT AT ONCE:
Might need to work on that.
MUSIC: "Underdog" by Kasabian
# Kill me if you dare
# Hold my head up everywhere
# Keep myself right on this train
# I'm the underdog
# Live my life on a lullaby
# Keep myself riding on this train
# Keep myself riding on this train! #
-Oh, God! What do we do?
Only thing you can do - go on without me.
No! No animals left behind.
Hold up - where's Bobby?
-Who? Oh, what, you mean the big twitchy
-Oh, I say!
-Um, Vince, apparently they prefer the word "retard".
Eh? Oh, how very quaint.
-Go after him!
-You just knocked a scab off!
-Destiny, rolling forward here.
Destiny, I hope you remembered to pack my Scotch egg.
SPLAT! Oh, for crying out loud!
You Animals Of Courage are just too...disabled!
Oi! You can't say that!
Yeah! I'm not disabled - I'm disfigured.
-Who are you calling a
I know. I just felt a bit left out.
OK, so who wants their sandwich now?
I can hear them.
-Ice-cream weather too.
Trust me, you'll never feel clean again.
Oh, God...oh, God...oh, God...
To be honest with you... quite looking forward to it.
OK. OK, you son of a bitch eight-year-olds...
-Go! Get out! I'll hold them off!
Oh, she done it again! Those strokes were mine!
-But your fur!
Wait! Creepy Morgan Freeman lamb! Come with us!
I can't. Sure, this petting zoo might be hell, being stroked,
petted and prodded all day every day, but goddamn it, it's my hell and...
-Ow, ow, ah, ah!
And, Destiny, I think you've proved beyond any doubt that you are indeed a hero.
Unfortunately, in the eyes of the public,
saving a fox from a petting zoo doesn't quite make up
for letting a four-year-old drown on television.
Yeah. I did notice that.
-OK, this going to be good.
I'm being stalked by a really friendly, quite persuasive lesbian.
But I got to thinking...what is the best way to scare a lesbian crow?
Ooh! A scarecrow?
That's right. A scarecrow. With a penis.
Kali, I've put together a PowerPoint on the financial benefits of lesbian...
Oh, Lord! Oh, Jesus Christ!
What is that thing?! Argh!
-Simple. But effective.
Can't believe that actually worked. Eh, Marion?
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]
Adult multi-species puppet comedy about five urban animals who hang out together in the back yard of an inner city pub. Starring Nelson, a metrosexual fox; Destiny, a pretentious pedigree It-bitch; Marion, a freshly-neutered wannabe tomcat; Kali, a deeply cynical pigeon; and Vince, the neighbourhood sociopath. Created by Adam Miller, developed by Jon Brown, Adam Miller and Daniel Peak, written by Jon Brown and Daniel Peak, and featuring the voices of Rufus Jones, Lucy Montgomery, Dan Tetsell, Katy Brand, Paul Kaye and Ruth Bratt. Puppets created by Talk to the Hand.
Nelson realises that he's the only one in the gang who has never been stroked by a human. He visits a petting zoo, where he quickly discovers that getting a stroke isn't always a pleasant experience.
Marion courageously saves a child from drowning, but Destiny dupes him out of his chance to win an Animal of Courage award by taking all the credit for his bravery. Only when Destiny is faced with doing something brave for real does she truly prove herself.
Kali falls for a muscular crow and decides to go for it with a passionate kiss, only to discover that the crow is a girl and that she is now an accidental lesbian.
Guest stars: Jeff Brazier, Clive Anderson.