Episode 5 Mongrels

DRAMATIC SOUNDTRACK MUSIC

Well. Here we are, then.

Two of us.

Alone.

At last.

Just you. And me.

On our own.

Together.

Finally.

Look, is you going to bang me one or not?

-OK.

-Right.

Huh? I'm stuck!

Tar trap!

HE STRAINS

Won't come off! I'm...

I'm going to have to chew through me own leg.

HE GRUNTS AND GROANS

So, this is killing the mood.

And what's with the red dot?

Oh...

MAN SHOUTS: Pigeon cull!

Oh, my God! I'm trapped! GUNSHOTS

Now I'm probably going to miss Ross Kemp On Gangs,

-which pretty much sucks.

-Argh!

-Nige!

-Nige!

-Argh!

NIGE!

HAVE YOU GOT SKY+?

# La la la la

# La la la la la

# La la la la laaaa. #

By Satan's thumbs, Kali!

Pigeon culling?

I'll get my revenge on humankind.

Believe!

Oh, what are you going to do? Crap on someone's bonnet?

Destiny, I don't crap on bonnets no more.

I tend to aim for the visor.

In all my years of presenting Top Gear, I have never known anything like this!

That's bird crap! Uh, can't see! Oh, it's happening again...

Mission accomplished.

That was Clarkson, right?

Well, I'm going to do me a little human culling.

I'm going to cull them all!

So here's the thing. I've got my French pen friend,

Christian the Parisian intellectual, coming to stay,

and I was wondering if anyone could recommend

a reasonably-priced fish restaurant in the South Bank area

that has a decent wine list, a good range of vegetarian options

and, most importantly of all, caters for wild foxes?

-HE SIGHS

-Little Chef it is.

Ah, the famous French pen friend!

I hope you have stocked up on the snails and the frogs' legs!

Marion, Marion, Marion, you do know not everyone in France wanders around

in a beret and a stripy top with a string of onions and a baguette?

Of course I knew that!

I did not know that.

Well, while you're mincing around London like some lame tourist,

I'm going to get rich. Cos, get this,

I only found a treasure map while I was digging up the flower beds!

You heard, a freaking treasure map!

So, anyway, that's what I'm going to be doing this...

Walkies!

Looks like she changed her mind, then.

Shame. Sounded like a fun storyline.

SHE STRAINS

Go on, Destiny, love, do your business.

Gary, I'm taking a crap,

not concluding a trade agreement with the Chinese.

Whoa, hello, good-looking...

MUSIC: "I've Got You Under My Skin" by Frank Sinatra

Oh, God, he's coming over!

Gary, get the little bag ready.

I'm begging you! Don't just leave it lying there!

Sorry to bother you. Afghan, right?

Mmm? Oh, yes! Yes, I am.

Small world! Don't see many Afghans around here.

Well. Probably because we're like a rare and unique and refined breed.

Man alive, what a belter!

That is a real double-bagger!

SHE SIGHS

Classy, Gary. Ve-e-e-e-ry classy.

And how was it getting through the tunnel?

FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, it was...

Oh, how you say, er...um...ah...

Um...ah... Hmm. Ah.

Er...oh...er...

Fine.

Good. Well, here we are.

-The old bachelor's lair.

-Jacques Chirac!

I have exact same lamp shades at home!

Bugger me bandy with a bloody banjo! What are the chances of that?

The chances of this, they are, how you say, er...

Ah...er...er...

Oh...hmm...eh...

Um...

Oh...er...oh...

Oh...mmm...er...mmm...

quite small.

OK. Can't see THAT getting annoying.

Probleme! I forgot my toothbrush. It must be still,

how you say, er...um...

At home, shall we say? For now? Hmm?

Not to worry, there's "un Superdrug" just over the...

I use yours.

Oh. How very Continental.

Well, Nelson, mon ami, I am sure you will show me

the perfect London weekend.

Oh, the only slight buggeration is, bad news re We Will Rock You.

Afraid it's a no.

-Quoi?

-I tried everywhere,

box office, eBay, scalpers, I even contacted Ben Elton's agent.

Lovely man. Very chatty.

He was happy just to talk. To anyone.

About anything. For any length of...

Merde! Merde! Merde!

Argh! Merde! Merde! Merde!

CRASHING Merde!

He has taken this quite badly.

-Ooh, spice rack!

-Merde!

HE CHUCKLES

Go on, then, spill the beans. What's your pedigree name?

Oh, embarrassing!

-Well, apparently I'm Princess Madame Majesty Magical Melody Moonbeam (Kenny Loggins) IV.

-Sorry,

did you just say Kenny Loggins?

Yeah, my dad was kind of a fan.

# Highway to the danger zone... #

Look, I don't mean to be forward.

I'm an Afghan, you're an Afghan.

We could always "slip the lead", if you know what I mean.

Not really.

What I'm trying to say is, Destiny,

right now I'd like to take you behind that bus shelter

and make low-down, dirty, four-legged love to you.

I want to freak you. I want to freak you crazy.

I want to freak you in every conceivable position that one dog

can freak another dog.

By which I mean...from behind.

Take me!

Nelson, you know this lovely French pen-friend of yours from France?

Oh, yes?

You haven't noticed anything weird about him?

Like for, eg, slight mood swings?

-Bonjour, Nelson!

-Oh! Hi, Christian.

Eat my milk pan!

What's your point, Marion?

I was thinking, like, maybe, he might have...

Well, rabies.

You and your bloody racism! You know, just because he's French

and he came over here through the tunnel and he's a tiny bit over-expressive...

Take me the open-top bus tour now,

or I will crap on your stupid face!

..does not mean he's got bloody rabies!

I mean, that is such an old stereotype!

For goodness' sake, not every animal from the Continent

is a filthy, dirty, disease-spreading...

Oh, no. My mistake.

Vive la France!

MUSIC: "Je T'Aime...Moi Non Plus" by Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin

Destiny!

It's me, Sharon. You know, from doggie yoga.

MUSIC CONTINUES

-Gary, what's...?

-SHE GASPS

-You!

-MUSIC STOPS

You're a man-whore!

Well, we prefer the term "stud dog", but, you know, semantics.

Ugh! Get off me!

MUSIC RESUMES

Right, so, technically I'm still on the clock

for the next seven minutes. Anyone?

YIPPING

Hi.

Stupid twat Gary!

He thinks he can use me for breeding like some kind of rent-a-womb?!

Oh, like I'm going to let him choose the daddy of my pups!

Right, obvious what you need to do, innit?

You need to see how Gary likes it

when he's the one getting set up with a prostitute.

PANTING AND GRUNTING

BED SPRINGS SQUEAK

OK, quite a lot, I'd say. Because, God, he really is enjoying that!

Yeah, nice one, knob.

Argh, I've got to find a way out of this!

-While I've got you, you know that worldwide human cull I was planning?

-Oh, yeah?

Well, I've been through and costed it all up.

Turns out it's quite expensive

to undertake the mass genocide of six billion people.

I mean, I'm going to need 15 grand just for photocopying.

No, Kali, I am not interested in sponsoring you.

Fine. I guess I'll have to just find some other way...

-Whoa!

-OK, now play fair, Gary,

she's a prostitute, not a toilet.

Merde! Merde! Merde!

There must something in here on the social etiquette

-of dealing with a rabid house guest...

-Merde! Argh! Merde! Merde!

Nelson, I know he is your friend.

I think it is time to ejaculate him from your premises.

I can't! If he gets out and spreads his rabies,

they'll burn every animal within ten miles!

We've got to keep him in this den.

And by any means necessary.

On my unborn first-born child, Nelson, you mean...

DRAMATIC MUSIC STING

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, er... Hat stand? No.

Um, er...umbrella stand? No.

Er...coat stand!

Mountain bike! Sauna! Wales!

Portcullis! Ketchup! Rodeo! Gloves! Laminate flooring! Mail fraud!

Toyota Avensis! Anguish!

-Steve Jobs!

-NO! It's microwave oven, you moron!

-Voila!

-Oh, yes, of course it is.

Screw you, Nelson.

I am going to Buckingham Palace to see the Changing of the Guard.

No! It's, er... It's raining out.

And I was thinking, if you're up for it,

cheeky sesh of Victorian parlour games?

Blind Man's Buff?

Oh! Ou est la?

You win! Now, Hunt the Slipper.

-Here it is!

-You win!

Fizzy Fizzy Fizz Pig?

CLOCK TICKS

Fizzy, fizzy, fizzy, fizzy, fizzy, fizzy pig.

You win! Dirty Pillows?

You win! Pin the Consumptive Hankie on the Match Girl?

COUGHS

Enough! I cannot play another Victorian parlour game!

OK, all right, all right, calm down.

-Baby's Got the Pox?

-Maybe a quick one.

You win!

No, no, I failed to break the baby's head open.

You beat me!

Oh. So I did.

Nelson, you fool!

Have you not seen Star Wars?

You must always let the Wookiee win, always. Literally always!

Thank you again for supporting this Cancer Awareness meat raffle.

And the winner of these lovely gammon steaks is...

587!

Oh, it's me! It's...

ROARING AND SCREAMING

Pass me the ham hock, quickly!

CRASHING AND SQUEALING

Oh, my God!

CHOKING

Argh...

Au revoir.

He's... He's dead!

We contained it!

So, what you want I do with his things?

-Things?

-His suitcase, his beret, his bicycle clips, his toothbrush.

That's not his toothbrush, it's mine. He used it, I shared it with him...

Magic Johnson! I think I've got rabies!

You can't make me have sex with some dog!

No! Not the car!

Please, you monster! Anything but the...!

Note to self, quite like the car, actually.

Why are we stopping?

No! Don't take me out of the car!

Please, you monster!

Wait here while Daddy gets some fags.

-SHE WHINES

-Someone! Please! Help me!

Right, just the fox. Time for a quick PowerPoint?

-Not now, Kali. I've got a doctor's appointment in, like...

-Excellent!

THUNDER

-BOOMING MALE VOICE:

-'Ever since the dawn of history,

'Mankind has ridden roughshod over his pigeon brethren...'

-Yeah, not sure how historically accurate any of this is.

-Shh!

'..until the day one brave pigeon started her fight-back against humankind.

'Her solution?

'To create an all-new hybrid beast.

'A pigeon with paws, a fox with wings...

'behold the Pigeox!'

Right, can you just imagine the theme from 2001 in your head during this bit?

Only I'm having a job getting the licensing rights.

'"But how can we create such a magnificent creature?", I hear you cry.'

I hear you cry!

OK, you need to start buying into the presentation, or this next bit won't work.

-RESIGNEDLY:

-How can we create such a...

BOTH: ..magnificent creature?

I hear you cry, thank you.

MUSIC PLAYS:

-HE GAGS

-I just burped, and a bit of sick came out.

'The Pigeox.

'Truly the beast of tomorrow!'

Well, that's the foreplay out the way, let's mate!

Kali, for God's sake!

I'm not about to father some kind of grotesque pigeon-fox mutant baby!

-Give me one good reason.

-I'll give you ten!

Starting with childcare.

-Mmm?

-Who's going to look after the little one while we're scavenging?

Then education, because I don't think there's a decent comprehensive in miles...

You know what?

-Maybe I'll just try someone else.

-Don't even get me started on pollution, knife crime,

the uncertain global financial climate, pollution. Wait, already said that.

Has she been left? Oh, my God, what if she gets heatstroke?

Oh, exactly! Smash the window! Hot!

Very hot. Seriously, I am sweating like a Colombian sniffer dog!

No offence, Juan Carlo.

Hey, none taken. We're a notoriously sweaty people.

Nah, she'll be fine.

No, not fine! Hot!

Pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant,

pant, pant, break the fricking window, pant, pant, pant... Fine!

But I'll remember this when you're trapped inside a car,

and someone's about to force you to have sex with a pedigree sex-dog

who sounds a bit like Nigel Havers!

Seems unlikely now, I'll grant you.

Oh, now, there's a thing.

Right. Rabies. Let's talk symptoms. Sad? Depressed? Angry?

Well, I suppose I did get a little hot under the collar

with the wireless this afternoon.

'Welcome to The Scott Mills Show.

'That's Pixie Lott there with a very unique tune...'

You can't have "very unique", Scott. It's unique or it isn't.

'Coming up, we've got the ultimate Radio 1 competition.'

Ultimate? Oh, so it's the last competition Radio 1 will ever run, is it, Scott?

'I bet you're chomping at the bit.'

Champing. It's champing. Champing!

Champing, champing, champing,

champing, champing, champing, champing!

It's exactly five o'clock. Over to Mark for the news and weather.

Champing, champing, champing, champing...

Which is just unlike me, to be honest.

Right, in terms of checking you out for rabies, it's perfectly straightforward.

We simply take this sample of your blood

and inject it into this medical guinea pig.

Oh! Crikey! Hello.

Don't talk to him, please. It humanises him.

Let me go, I beg you! I'm an animal too!

Now, once we see how he reacts, we'll have an idea whether you're infected or not.

My name's Paul! I've got children!

I'm halfway through my Duke of Edinburgh award!

-Sorry, is this ethical?

-Oh, it's fine.

Right, I'll just quickly and effortlessly transfer

the blood into this syringe, find a vein and perform the injection.

-All done.

-I feel...

I feel fine! I'm going to live!

Long enough to realise my dream of opening my own bakery...

-Ah!

-PANTS

Ah! Water!

Ah! Water!

Ah! Water!

Ah! Water!

HE CHOKES

Ah! Water!

And we'll send out the results in the post. All right?

Ah! Water!

Can't get my head around it. I'm...

I'm dying, Marion.

Nelse. I am always here for you.

Right by your side.

Not literally, obviously.

You are a filthy disease carrier.

I wouldn't come near you if you paid me.

My point is... I forget my point. Fig roll?

No. Thank you.

-So how's the Bucket List coming along?

-Oh, I gave up.

Just feels like a cliche, a list of things to do before you die.

Kind of thing they do in cheesy sitcoms.

OK, Nelson. And did that stop you

from inviting your new boss over to dinner

and encouraging him to wear his brand-new white suit,

even though you knew you were serving tomato soup

and a selection of red wines

on your dining table with the one wonky leg?

Mmm, no.

-Nel-son!

-CANNED LAUGHTER

Did that stop you from asking your scheming, long-lost identical twin

to come and stay, regardless of the myriad likely misunderstandings

that were almost bound to arise?

No.

Nelson?!

CANNED LAUGHTER

Did that stop you from going on that holiday with your fiance and your potential new mother-in-law,

even though not two days previous you had started undergoing experimental new treatment

of hypnotherapy to cure your terrible sleepwalking problem?

No.

SHE GASPS

AUDIENCE GROANS

Nelson?!

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Then, my friend, let it not stop you from carrying out a small list

of highly visual comedic tasks you wish to undertake before you die!

OK, then!

# Now I've had the time of my life

# No, I never felt like this before

# Yes, I swear, it's the truth

# And I owe it all to you

# Cos I've had the time of my life

# And I owe it all to you... #

See? That wasn't so cliche.

DOORBELL

The archbishop?!

But I've just accidentally bought a hundredweight of pornography!

That just leaves one more thing - kiss a beautiful girl.

And I think I know who.

Marion, if I die while I'm gone...

goodbye.

Let's just do handshakes, yes?

Come here, you nut-gathering wanker!

-Hello, Vincent.

-Pigeon?

What you doing out your nest?

What? Can't a lonely little birdie

pay a visit down to your level every once in a while?

-MUSIC: "Butterfly" by Crazy Town

-Mary, Mother of

-BLEEP!

I've seen the way you look at me, Vincent.

Unplucking me with your eyes, checking out my legs.

My very short, very stumpy, very red little legs.

So what do you say?

Fox and bird, the final taboo.

Phwoar.

Listen, I ain't about to screw no pigeon!

-It's

-BLEEP

-undignified!

OK, I'll level with you, it's not about the sex.

I'm trying to create a fox-pigeon master race

so I can bring about the downfall of humankind.

Why didn't you just say?

A donor at last! Nothing can foil my plan now.

Hey.

Don't blame yourself. Lots of men have this problem.

-Stupid, useless

-BLEEP!

Working last night!

If you tell ANYONE about this,

-I will hunt you down and I will

-BLEEP

-your head off.

OK, I get it.

Quick snuggle?

God! Being stray totally sucks!

Can't believe I'm actually going to eat from a bin!

It's like the most degrading thing I've ever done, ever!

Bring on the Wall!

Mmm, maybe not ever.

Destiny! What are you doing?

Surviving, Nelson.

I ran away. I had to.

Gary arranged for me to have pups with some pedigree Afghan douchebag.

I need to talk to you and I don't have a lot of time.

We both know there's always been this thing between us, and so...

Hang on, hang on. What thing?

You know. The "will they, won't they?"

You know, that's been going on all the time,

underneath all the other crazy stuff that happens.

The thing! The slow-burn romance thing,

like when we always used to look at each other at work.

MUSIC: "Handbags and Gladrags" by Big George

That was Tim and Dawn from The Office.

So it was. Point is, I'm here to tell you something,

because if I don't do it now, I'll never get another chance.

And in a weird way, it's liberating knowing I won't be around much longer,

because now I don't care who knows it. So I want to tell you...

# I'll always remember when I first met my Destiny

# You caught my eye then you stole all the rest of me... #

You are such a geek! Ah!

It's this week's song!

Bye, then.

Still, at least we'll always have that night in the bar when...

Wait, that was Sam and Diane.

Cheers?

Remember Cheers?

No?

Marion, I need you to promise me, when I start to lose it,

when I'm ranting and frothing at the mouth -

might be today, might be tomorrow -

no matter how much I try to persuade you otherwise, I want you...

I want you to kill me.

-Nelson, I can't do it...

-You have to, I'm begging you!

No, I can't do it tomorrow, because I'm playing badminton.

So I'm thinking, if it's all right with you...

-Oh.

-Would you mind?

It's just we have court booked,

and I've got a mate coming all the way from Watford blah blah blah,

-I've got these new shuttlecocks...

-Oh, no, you go ahead.

Your precious little game of badminton's a lot more important

than the final hours of my life.

Thanks, man, knew you'd understand.

-Knock-knock. Sorry to bother.

-Oh. Doctor.

Yeah, small mix-up at the lab.

Turns out we got your blood sample confused with someone else's.

-How?

-Well, yes...

I'm sure you remember, as I do, when I was reaching for your sample...

Sorry, is this ethical?

Oh, it's fine.

I'll just quickly and effortlessly transfer blood into this syringe,

find a vein and perform the injection.

So I retested with your sample, and the results came back...

Evening, all!

...absolutely fine.

You mean... Mark Fowler!

I don't have rabies!

Hang on, if I'm not infected, then who is?

Some randy Afghan. Came in for his monthly STD check and...

Destiny! I have to save her!

Except, sorry to be total fricking bore...

Marion, you bloody idiot! I don't have rabies!

Yeah. You did kind of say you'd try to talk me out of it.

-All right,

-BLEEP

-lickers, what we up to?

-Oh, God.

Actually, Vince, long story.

I'm just about to kill Nelson, because...

I'll help.

You don't need to know why?

Ah, I'll make something up. Um...

Oh, yeah, that'll do.

Guys, I'm begging you! Don't do this! I don't have rabies!

Although he probably has.

What? No!

Please! I'm halfway through a City and Guilds in Media and Photography!

Stay in there until you do something!

So, you just couldn't resist me, eh?

Oh, shut up! Let's just...

Let's get this over with.

Do you mind if I sob all the way through?

Knock yourself out.

SHE SOBS

This won't hurt...

much.

Kali, now!

Huh?

Fly, my pretty! Fly!

LAUGHS

OK.

Is it too late to ask, A, how you found me,

B, how you got in, and, D, how you managed to suspend

that thing from the ceiling while I was in the room?

-Well, certainly hope so.

-Gary!

FOOTSTEPS

So. Yeah.

It's all gone a bit Phil Spector.

And look what I found

among the belongings of your Parisian intellectual friend, Christian.

The Afghan!

Turns out you weren't his only pen friend.

Ooh, the treacherous bastard!

Thing I don't get is, how did you persuade Kali to help you out?

Er...not important, to be honest.

It's coming!

It's coming!

Sir Robert Winston!

I can't believe I'm going to be a dad!

Ho-ho, regard!

The dawning of a brave new race of super-predators!

An uber-species of fox-birds

powerful enough to bring puny mankind to...

Oh, hang on.

That's just a normal pigeon with red feathers.

Ooh. May I?

-Be my

-BLEEP

-guest.

To be honest, the moment's probably passed.

Ah! Water!

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