Episode 6 Mongrels


Episode 6

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Transcript


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Yeah. Got a serious vermin issue here, mate. Rat, pigeon...

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-Got a fox living under the bins.

-Yeah, foxes are the worst. Crap everywhere,

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spread toxocariasis, leptospirosis.

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HE CHUCKLES

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I had that when I was little, so I happen to be immune, actually.

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Best thing - put down a trap,

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lined with newspaper, bit of sausage.

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-He'll be in there in the morning.

-Ha! That's what you think.

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Let me tell you something else about foxes. We're famous for our...

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Ooh, is that today's Metro? No, because there is an interview with Darcey Bussell.

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-Oh, bums! Marion! Marion!

-Hello, Nelson.

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I seem to have got myself into something of a...Jeffrey Archer.

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Be right down... Oh.

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Another little tip for you. Weigh down your bin lids.

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Keeps out scavengers.

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On my grandmother's uterus! I'm trapped!

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It's OK, Marion. I'm sure we can puzzle our way out of this.

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Now, let me see. Newspaper, rainwater, sausage meat.

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Hmm...

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That gives me an idea.

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Hmm. Nope.

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Still here.

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# La la la la

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# La la la la la

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# La la la la laaaa. #

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Check it!

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I've only been accepted for the most famous dog competition in the world!

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You're joking! Crufts?

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The South Docklands Area Landlords' Association Pub Dog of the Month,

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quarterfinals!

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Oh. Ruddy well done, Destiny. Now, if you could just pull the lever...

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Gary finally sent the form in. God knows I dropped enough hints.

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# Because you're gorgeous... #

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You drove me to this, Gary!

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Understand? You made me do this to you!

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Bobby Sands! That is excellent. Now, if you could just reach in

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-and pull the lever...

-Ow! Kali! What was that for?

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-Retaliation! For the pigeon spikes.

-Gary's just tidying the garden

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to keep me clean for the competition. Rat poison, mole traps,

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-a squirrel demoraliser.

-A what?

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MUSIC: TCHAIKOVSKY "The Dance Of The Reed Flutes" from The Nutcracker

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Oh, a lovely nut!

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ROBOTIC VOICE: All your friends hate you.

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This ain't over. I am going to get those spikes

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out of my garden, whatever it takes.

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Hate to be a right ruddy bore -

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I'm getting deep vein thrombosis.

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-Oh, for God's sake!

-Ooh...

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-Obliged. Now, time to rescue Marion.

-Too late. He's dead.

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-Kali, that's what you said about Andi Peters.

-I never!

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-He's probably curled up in his bin, licking his bottom.

-No. Apparently,

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-he does a lot of producing work.

-CHEERILY:

-Nelson!

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-ANGRILY:

-Still here!

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Relax. It's Tuesday, and the bin men come on the Monday,

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so we've got another six whole days to find a... Oh, my God!

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It was a Bank Holiday weekend!

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-MARION:

-Save me!

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-HE SNIFFS

-Ugh!

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Marion!

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-Marion!

-Brethren.

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-Welcome to my domain.

-Oh.

-The rats, they have taken me as their god

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and elected me all-powerful holy emperor of entire tip. They bow to me

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-and offer me sacrifice and pray to me upwards of five times a day.

-They haven't really

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-done any of those things, have they, Marion?

-No. No, they haven't. To be honest,

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-I kind of get impression they don't like me that much.

-Do you just want to pop the hat off for me then?

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-OK.

-Now, let's hit the road...

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# I want to know what love is. #

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Princess Michael of Kent!

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Isn't that just the most beautiful sight on earth?

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HE COUGHS

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-That skanky fox?!

-If by "skanky",

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you mean "heart-stoppingly gorgeous", then yes.

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Nelson, she's rank.

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If by "rank", you mean "beguiling", then yes.

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She is picking lice out of her own arse and eating them.

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If by "picking lice

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"out of her own..." Ah, so she is. A lot of people

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-couldn't carry that off.

-MARION INHALES

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Oh, I get it. She's in heat. Heat, man. Screws with your brain.

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Makes you do stupid things.

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This month, we're reading The Lovely Bones -

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a harrowing examination of grief and the murder of innocence.

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You've got lovely bones.

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Marion, I know what I'm doing, hm?

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Now, wish me luck.

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Er, tell me...are your paws tired?

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Cos you've been running through my mind all... Agh!

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-THUMPING AND SNARLING

-Oh, you're a feisty one!

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Ahem... You're right - cheesy line.

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Tell me, did it hurt when you fell from...?

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Stay off my dump, you thieving twat!

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Angel, if I wish to steal anything, it is only your heart.

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-Don't touch my

-BLEEP

-heart!

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I think we might have got off on the wrong foot. I was wondering,

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and you've probably got a boyfriend,

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but I do this amazing three-bean salad.

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-Will you do me the great honour of joining me for dinner?

-Get lost, arse-farmer.

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Great! Come on, then, Marion. Say goodbye to your new friends.

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Farewell, my tiny disciples. Ow!

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I think I'd like to go home now.

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So, Gary, it is thanks to you

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that my favourite perch has become a bed of nails.

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And all to stop your garden being a pigeon toilet. Well, be warned,

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you have got a toilet too.

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And you're going to need to go sooner or later, Gary!

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-Yes, you are, my two-legged...

-Sorry, Kali? Who are you talking to?

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Well, it's kind of an internal monologue projected at Gary.

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Done, baby. If this was just a beauty contest, you'd win paws down.

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-Right, let's prep you for that canine intelligence test.

-What?!

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You never mentioned no...

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OK. What...? I can't see.

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-Destiny, pull it off, girl - I'm timing you.

-Oh, my God, I'm blind!

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I'd rather die than be blind! Blind people have such awful hair!

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End it! End it now!

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Jesus, Destiny.

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There's, like, three animals in the whole world that fail this test.

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Welcome back to Live From Studio Five.

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Sorry it's so dark in here today.

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I have so little self-worth

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that this is the actual Ian Wright under this tea towel.

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Never mind, sweetheart. Daddy still loves you.

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Oh! Oh, it was a towel!

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Right, test me again.

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-Panic over. The wandering yeomen hath return-ed.

-Urgh!

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-Don't touch me. You could've picked up anything.

-Interesting you should say this.

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-Where's these free

-BLEEP

-beans, then?

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My God! What is that?!

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"That" happens to have a name, and that name is...

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-Sorry, forgot to ask...?

-Sandra.

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Sandra. Somehow, I knew it would be.

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-Let me guess. She's in heat.

-Destiny, that's neither here nor there.

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Just look at her. She's an absolute fox!

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-Nelson, she is urinating on me.

-Marion,

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it's a symbol of friendship in some...countries. Mainly around the Benelux...

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-Nelson, you idiot! Soon as she's off heat, you'll regret this.

-Oi!

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-Say that again!

-Get off!

-Destiny, you stop bullying my girlfriend!

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She's just jealous, babe. Don't let it bother you. Hey, let me show you my love den.

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Man, she is unbearable! We have to find way to break them up.

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-Wait! Remember what happened at the end of Nanny McPhee?

-No.

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So, Emma Thompson is the Nanny McPhee,

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and Colin Firth, he has just lost his wife.

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Angela Lansbury, AKA Mrs Potts from Beauty And Beast,

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she tells Colin Firth he has to get married or she will separate his children.

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So Colin Firth hastily arranges

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to marry Celia Imrie, even though she is vulgar!

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So Nanny McPhee, who is magic,

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she makes it snow, and then there is a cake fight. Then...

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-MUSIC PLAYS

-Oh...

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I can't believe you made me watch that shit.

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THUMPING

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SOBBING

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So you're basically suggesting...

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-we get Vince to savage her.

-Yes, that's basically what I'm suggesting. It's a good film,

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-by the way, you should check it out. Granted, it's no Jumanji.

-Huh?

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Ah... So, Robin Williams,

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he has been trapped inside board game since 1969...

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Sorry it's a bit of a mess. Den of iniquity, I sometimes call it!

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-Eh?

-HE CHUCKLES

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Yeah... In fact,

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I haven't seen such a "dirty den" since I Skyped Leslie Grantham...!

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Er, but if I can be serious for a minute. Tea?

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SNIFFING Ooh...

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Donny and Marie Osmond! Vince, I...

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see you've met Sandra.

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Phwoar...

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Lovely stuff. Anyhoo, um, I have made plans for the day, so...

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-She's mine now. Cock off.

-Well,

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perhaps we should let the little lady

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make that choice for herself.

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I agree. Cock off!

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Better still, we'll fight for her!

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HE LAUGHS

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-Yeah, all right, then.

-Well, I say fight...anagram challenge?

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-We'd each have seven letters and...

-Piss off,

-BLEEP!

-Technically,

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that's 11, but OK. I've got Focus...

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Punto... Ooh, both cars - that's a bonus point.

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-GRUNTING

-Er, what else...?

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Er... Font. Erm...

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Cusp. Er, er, sniff. Um...

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..puffins.

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SCREAMING

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VINCE: Oh, yeah!

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All yours.

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Smashing. Tatty-bye.

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So, young lady...

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you've just made whoopee with another fox right in front of me!

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What do you have to say for yourself, hmm?

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Twat hammer!

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HE SNIFFS # I want to know what love is... #

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Oh, how can I stay mad at you?! Come here.

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# ..I want you to show me. #

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Time to mount the kind of protest Gary can't possibly ignore!

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Time to throw myself on the spikes

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in a grand gesture of self-sacrifice!

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Behold, for I have impaled myself

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on the pigeon spikes,

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which, in a way, is using them

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for the very purpose for which they were erected!

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KALI COUGHS

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Damn! I have got to start thinking these things through!

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- Urgh! Look at that waxy build-up. - Who said...?

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- Who said? - Marion?

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- Marion. - Can you hear an echo? - Can you hear an echo?

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I think this Sandra, she has given you the fleas.

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-They can be most irritating.

-What?!

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Oh, God, if Gary finds out, he won't enter me!

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-CHUCKLING: You said, "Enter you!"

-She wants Gary to enter her.

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Shut up!

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Do you like it when Gary enters you?

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So annoying!

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-Am I bovvered? Does my face look bovvered?

-Am I, though? Am I bovvered?

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Oh, God, they're quoting The Catherine Tate Show!

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You have my deepest, deepest sympathies.

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How very dare you!

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-Argh...!

-So, Vince, did you kill her?

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-Nah. I never eat anything, I just

-BLEEP.

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Little tip I picked up from Delia.

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Fine. If Vincent cannot save Nelson, it falls on me to do it myself.

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Once I've made a quick note.

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-ECHOING:

-And never eat anything you've just

-BLEEP...

-Done.

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# I want to know what love is. #

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Oh, you've got such a great sense of humour.

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-BLEEP

-off!

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Oh, classic Sandra.

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Be gone, vile smell. Leave this earthly realm,

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and vanish forever into eternal hereafter!

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So, anyway, I thought if I sprayed some Woodland Glade, it might

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-mask her scent.

-You idiot! Marion, if you can't accept Sandra,

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I'll take her to see someone who will. My parents!

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You are making biggest mistake of your life!

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It's a good offer, but I'm feeling lucky. Ask me the question, Noel.

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You are making the second-biggest mistake of your life!

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GLASS SMASHES

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Edmonds!

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The third?

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What have I done?!

0:13:000:13:02

Oh, Jesus, who will helicopter the poorly children

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their presents this Christmas?

0:13:050:13:07

Oh...!

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Fourth?!

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DVD? You buy DVD?

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"Ricky Gervais stars as the only man in the world who can tell a lie."

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Mm! That's got to be worth two quid.

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For sake of argument, let's just say top ten.

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# Everybody's looking for that something

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# One thing that makes it all complete... #

0:13:280:13:32

Where am I?

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-Gary?!

-There you go, little birdy.

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-Soon have you on the mend.

-What have you done to me?

0:13:360:13:40

Oh, and don't think you can win me over with a shoe box, Gary.

0:13:400:13:43

Even like a brand-new, really dry... Is this Reebok?

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Birdy want crisps? Sausage roll?

0:13:480:13:51

Oh, I see what you're doing, Gary.

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Pampering me, so I forget about my campaign of terror.

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Well, it won't work.

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I may be temporarily out of action,

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but I will never, never, never stop in my...

0:14:010:14:04

Hello, someone's been to Greggs.

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# ..You're flying without wings. #

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Dad, this is Sandra.

0:14:120:14:13

-All right, Dad.

-Oh, Jesus...

-Oh, isn't that lovely?

0:14:130:14:16

She's calling you Dad already.

0:14:160:14:18

Yes. Because I am her dad.

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-She's your sister.

-What?! Now you mention it, thought she looked familiar.

0:14:200:14:25

HE SNIFFS

0:14:270:14:28

-LISPING:

-Come on, sis. Let's make rose-water perfume for Mother!

0:14:280:14:31

-BLEEP

-your perfume!

0:14:310:14:34

Susan Tully! Brother and sister!

0:14:340:14:37

-You know what this means, don't you, son?

-Yes, I do.

0:14:370:14:41

This makes our relationship...

0:14:410:14:43

absolutely bloody perfect! Don't you see?

0:14:430:14:46

-No arguments over where to spend Christmas!

-She's on heat, son. You'll regret this

0:14:460:14:51

-the moment she comes off.

-That's not true, and I'll prove it.

0:14:510:14:54

Dad, I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

0:14:540:14:59

-I feel sick.

-Is that a yes?

0:14:590:15:00

No, it's a no, son. It's against God and nature,

0:15:000:15:03

and if you've got a scrap of sense in that head of yours, you won't do this!

0:15:030:15:07

MUSIC: MENDELSSOHN: Wedding March

0:15:070:15:10

HE RETCHES

0:15:100:15:12

I don't believe this is happening.

0:15:120:15:14

Oh! Fleas! Me?!

0:15:140:15:17

And now, I'll have to ring round all me old boyfriends!

0:15:170:15:20

Destiny? Wow. Wasn't expecting to hear from you. How you been...?

0:15:200:15:25

Great, yeah, fine.

0:15:250:15:27

-Out in Richmond now.

-HE CHUCKLES

0:15:270:15:29

How do you mean, get myself checked?

0:15:290:15:31

-Jesus, Destiny, what are you telling me?

-Who is it, Chris?

0:15:310:15:35

Uh, no-one, love. Telesales.

0:15:350:15:39

-I'm begging you, don't marry her.

-Marion, I love her.

0:15:400:15:43

-Can't you just love her like a sister?

-Actually, funny you should say that.

0:15:430:15:47

-Don't tell me, I just ate!

-Family, friends, we are gathered here today

0:15:470:15:51

to celebrate the union of two very special foxes -

0:15:510:15:55

Nelson and the, er, delightful Sandra.

0:15:550:15:58

So I must ask if anyone knows of any lawful reason why this pair

0:15:580:16:03

should not be married to declare... - She's got fleas!

0:16:030:16:06

-She's his freaking sister!

-She's got a

-BLEEP

-like an Argos stockroom!

0:16:060:16:09

..Then I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride.

0:16:120:16:17

I... She's just doing a bit of a poo there. I'll wait.

0:16:180:16:22

HE CHUCKLES

0:16:220:16:24

Oh...! Ah...!

0:16:240:16:27

I do have a christening at six.

0:16:270:16:30

# I'll keep holding on

0:16:310:16:37

# I'll keep... #

0:16:380:16:39

Lovely service, weren't it, Vince?

0:16:390:16:41

Oi, are you trying to take advantage of my fragile emotional state,

0:16:430:16:47

-you Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn

-BLEEP?

0:16:470:16:51

Well, actually, I was trying to catch some of your big, hard fleas

0:16:510:16:54

so they'd attack my little fleas and kill 'em.

0:16:540:16:57

-What's happening?

-Someone's coming. Someone new.

0:16:570:17:00

What's occurrin'? Only me!

0:17:000:17:04

Lovely-jubbly!

0:17:040:17:05

Oh, what?! They're exactly the same as mine!

0:17:050:17:09

Annoying little bastards, in't they?

0:17:090:17:11

-Always the

-BLEEP

-bridesmaid.

0:17:130:17:16

Sod this, let's dance!

0:17:170:17:19

# Wake up in the morning

0:17:190:17:21

# With a head like "What you done?" #

0:17:210:17:23

# Get up, get up, get up, get up... #

0:17:230:17:27

Well, Sandra, I don't know if our mother told you

0:17:270:17:31

-what to expect on your wedding night.

-Is it

-(BLEEP)?

0:17:310:17:34

Yeah, good old Mum, straight to the point. Now, precautions...

0:17:340:17:37

-Not taking any.

-But...you could fall pregnant.

0:17:370:17:40

-Don't give a crap.

-You are so right.

0:17:400:17:44

We ARE ready. Now, just quickly pop and brush my teeth.

0:17:440:17:47

Maybe you could light the odd tea light... Agh!

0:17:470:17:50

Oh, yeah, come on!

0:17:500:17:52

I'm a giver, not a taker, Sandra.

0:17:520:17:54

SNORING

0:17:560:17:58

SANDRA SPLUTTERS

0:18:010:18:02

HE YAWNS

0:18:080:18:09

HE SIGHS

0:18:140:18:16

Marion, you know when you said I only fancied Sandra

0:18:160:18:20

-because she was on heat?

-Yeah.

0:18:200:18:23

-And that I'd regret marrying her?

-Yeah.

0:18:230:18:25

And I said it wasn't because she was on heat at all,

0:18:250:18:28

-and that had nothing to do with it?

-Yeah.

0:18:280:18:30

Yeah, it was that.

0:18:310:18:33

-Thought so. She's minging, isn't she?

-Yeah. Yes, she is.

0:18:330:18:37

Never mind. Love them and leave them, eh?

0:18:370:18:39

Marion, we can't just break up - we're married,

0:18:390:18:42

and she might be in the... family way.

0:18:420:18:45

And, oh, it'd just be so much hassle. You see...

0:18:450:18:49

# I can't bring myself to leave her

0:18:550:18:57

# Breaking up would be unpleasant

0:18:570:19:00

# Cos it's almost her birthday and some people might say I only did it

0:19:000:19:04

# To avoid buying a present

0:19:040:19:06

# I don't want her friends to hate us

0:19:060:19:08

# And I've only just changed my Facebook status

0:19:080:19:11

# Screw it Let's just stay together

0:19:110:19:17

# Breaking up is such a faff

0:19:170:19:20

# I can't stand awkward goodbyes

0:19:200:19:22

# Breaking up is such a faff I'll just sweat it out

0:19:220:19:26

# Until she dies

0:19:260:19:29

# I can't bring myself to dump her though she really gets on my tits

0:19:340:19:38

# Cos we've booked a trip to Pisa

0:19:380:19:40

# I've put it on my Visa

0:19:400:19:42

# If we cancel, I'll lose all my deposit

0:19:420:19:44

# It's easier to stay the same

0:19:440:19:47

# Than to file a travel insurance claim

0:19:470:19:50

# Screw it Let's just stay together

0:19:500:19:55

# Breaking up is such a faff

0:19:550:19:58

# I'm too much of an emotional coward

0:19:580:20:01

# Breaking up is such a faff

0:20:010:20:03

# Besides, we've just picked out a power shower

0:20:030:20:06

# And answer me this, please

0:20:060:20:09

# What about all our DVDs?

0:20:090:20:11

# Cos, baby, I can't stand it if we have to fight

0:20:110:20:15

# Over who owns that copy of The Dark Knight... #

0:20:150:20:18

Oh, look. Two copies of DodgeBall. Bonus!

0:20:180:20:20

# ..Breaking up is such a faff

0:20:200:20:23

# I just wish that I was dead

0:20:230:20:26

# Breaking up is such a faff If I act boring

0:20:260:20:29

# Maybe she'll leave instead. #

0:20:290:20:33

Then again, you hear lots of interesting stuff about tax breaks for married people,

0:20:330:20:37

which obviously is worth taking advantage of. And supposedly,

0:20:370:20:40

there's health benefits to being in a long-term relationship. Plus, there's a lot

0:20:400:20:45

to be said for regular, dependable sex, even if it is with someone you find physically repellent.

0:20:450:20:51

Clippers! Need the clippers!

0:20:580:21:01

-Computer says no.

-I'm a lady!

0:21:010:21:04

Whoa!

0:21:040:21:06

-Hello, Kali!

-What?

0:21:060:21:09

What you looking at? Have I got something on my beak?

0:21:090:21:12

Nothing on your beak. Tiny little something on your hips.

0:21:120:21:15

Oh...my...days!

0:21:150:21:18

So, yeah, you're massive.

0:21:180:21:20

Nah, nah, hold up. It must be the mirror or something.

0:21:200:21:23

-It's not the mirror that's the problem - it's your arse.

-Oh, I can't believe

0:21:230:21:27

I let this happen to myself!

0:21:270:21:29

Oh, well played, Gary.

0:21:290:21:32

Well played indeed!

0:21:320:21:34

Ah, clippers! In your face, fleas! Prepare to die!

0:21:340:21:38

Destiny, wait! Think about it. You'll lose the dog show!

0:21:380:21:42

I'd lose anyway. Stupid intelligence round.

0:21:420:21:44

We can do the intelligence round for you.

0:21:440:21:47

Yeah. I've appeared on Eggheads.

0:21:470:21:49

With your body and our brains, we can't lose.

0:21:500:21:54

Ah...

0:21:540:21:55

-OK, then, fleas. You got a deal.

-Right. Couple of questions...

0:21:550:21:59

who are you talking to and are you eating that biscuit? Answer the second one first.

0:21:590:22:05

"Dearest Vince,

0:22:060:22:08

"many thanks for your generous wedding gift of one dead sparrow.

0:22:080:22:13

"All our love, Nelson and..."

0:22:130:22:16

Ooh, Sandra, can you just sign?

0:22:160:22:18

SPRAYING

0:22:180:22:21

Can't help but notice you're still using your old signature.

0:22:210:22:24

-HIGH VOICE:

-Nelson! What is the meaning of this?

0:22:240:22:27

That's right, young lady. He's already married!

0:22:270:22:30

The children want to know when you're coming home.

0:22:300:22:33

-Only you can stop the tears.

-Whatever.

-Thanks anyway, Marion.

0:22:330:22:39

-I appreciate the effort you've gone to...

-No problem.

-..but I've made my bed.

-I did warn you. Several times.

0:22:390:22:44

-Perhaps if you'd been a better wife, none of this would've happened.

-This is my fault?

0:22:440:22:49

-And the fact we never go out, I suppose that's my fault?

-Here it comes. And now the tears.

0:22:490:22:53

I go to all this effort.

0:22:530:22:55

-You never tell me how nice I look!

-I've been under a lot of pressure recently.

0:22:550:22:59

-CRASHING

-I shouldn't take it out on you, but...

-I'm stuck! I'm stuck!

0:22:590:23:03

Oh, bother!

0:23:030:23:04

-Coming, sis!

-Just let me out, dickwit. Wifey wants her loving.

0:23:040:23:08

On second thoughts, maybe this is a good time to talk...

0:23:090:23:13

about us.

0:23:130:23:15

-OK. We're in.

-All these dogs. We got no chance.

0:23:240:23:29

Look, you just worry about the intelligence round,

0:23:290:23:32

I'll take care of the rest.

0:23:320:23:34

Now, 1980s power pop, please.

0:23:340:23:37

MUSIC STARTS

0:23:370:23:39

Thank you.

0:23:390:23:42

# Try to be best

0:23:420:23:43

# Cos you're only a man

0:23:430:23:44

# And a man's got to learn to take it

0:23:440:23:47

# Try to believe though the going gets rough

0:23:470:23:49

# That you gotta hang tough to make it

0:23:490:23:52

# History repeats itself

0:23:520:23:55

# Try and you succeed

0:23:550:23:57

# Never doubt that you're the one

0:23:570:23:59

# And you can have your dream

0:23:590:24:01

# You're the best around

0:24:010:24:04

# Nothing's going to ever keep you down

0:24:040:24:06

# You're the best around

0:24:060:24:09

# And nothing's going to ever keep you down

0:24:090:24:12

# You're the best around... #

0:24:120:24:14

It all comes down to this - canine intelligence.

0:24:140:24:18

Destiny, the plucky but stupid young Afghan challenger,

0:24:180:24:21

against Chomsky, the intellectual sheepdog,

0:24:210:24:24

-author of several philosophical works.

-Shut up!

-Sorry!

0:24:240:24:26

Couldn't resist that.

0:24:260:24:28

-And...find the biscuit!

-SLOW TICKING

0:24:280:24:33

Ah...it's the one on the right.

0:24:350:24:37

In the name of God, I hope you know what you're doing.

0:24:370:24:41

Winner!

0:24:410:24:42

# You're the best around... #

0:24:420:24:45

Oh, my God! We did it!

0:24:450:24:47

# You're the best around

0:24:470:24:50

# And nothing's going to ever keep you down. #

0:24:500:24:53

Wow! You've grown, little birdy.

0:24:530:24:55

Yeah, it's actually very rude of you to comment on that, actually, Gary.

0:24:550:24:58

-Big little birdy, aren't you?

-Yes, I am!

0:24:580:25:01

I am working this girth!

0:25:010:25:02

Baby, you ain't ready for this jelly! We got any jelly?

0:25:020:25:06

Think you've had too much of the indoors. Let's set you free.

0:25:060:25:09

Now, hang on, Gary. Let's talk about this.

0:25:090:25:11

There we go.

0:25:110:25:12

So, yeah. This is embarrassing.

0:25:130:25:17

Oh, that's where that hot dog went. Mmm.

0:25:170:25:20

Maybe you getting driven out to the middle of nowhere and set loose

0:25:200:25:23

in the woods is exactly what we need right now.

0:25:230:25:25

You know, bit of space.

0:25:250:25:27

They won't release her into no woods. No.

0:25:270:25:30

She'll get shot in the back of the head.

0:25:300:25:32

-Vince, that's a complete urban myth.

-Is it now?

0:25:320:25:35

-Oh, Gorden Kaye! What happened?

-I can't remember,

0:25:360:25:40

but if I stick a pencil in it, I can see Jesus.

0:25:400:25:43

-HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

-All right, JC? Things all right?

0:25:430:25:46

How's your dad?

0:25:460:25:48

Oh, God, I'm going to die!

0:25:480:25:52

Oh, God!

0:25:520:25:54

Can't quite believe I'm going to do this.

0:25:550:25:58

Come on, then, dear. Let's go home

0:25:580:26:01

and crap all over our favourite soft furnishings. Where are you going?

0:26:010:26:03

-Back to the dump, aren't I?

-What? But why?

0:26:030:26:06

I had time to think and I loved you, Nelson.

0:26:060:26:10

-I thought we

-BLEEP

-had something, but you spent our whole marriage

0:26:100:26:14

talking in front of my face

0:26:140:26:16

about how rank I am and how you'd do anything to get rid of me,

0:26:160:26:20

so...

0:26:200:26:22

-this is

-BLEEP

-goodbye.

0:26:220:26:24

Ha-ha! The skank is gone at last.

0:26:250:26:29

SOBS

0:26:290:26:31

High-five!

0:26:310:26:33

No! No high-five, because there was a monster in that den, Marion.

0:26:330:26:38

And that monster was me.

0:26:390:26:41

Sandra!

0:26:410:26:42

Sandra, come back!

0:26:420:26:45

Time to fly, little birdy.

0:26:450:26:48

LAUGHS

0:26:480:26:49

Come on, Gary, let's call a truce, yeah?

0:26:490:26:51

Start over, OK? Yeah, good lad.

0:26:510:26:55

Wah... THUD!

0:26:550:26:57

Sandra? Sandra? Kali, have you seen my...

0:26:570:27:01

Oh. Oh, dear.

0:27:010:27:04

What you staring at? Never seen a two-stone pigeon before?

0:27:040:27:08

Actually, no, not sure that I have.

0:27:080:27:10

But it was more the fox that you're, um, sitting on somewhat that I was...

0:27:100:27:14

Oh...

0:27:140:27:16

condolences.

0:27:160:27:17

SOBS

0:27:170:27:19

Yeah, I'm just going to come right out and say this -

0:27:190:27:21

do you mind if I eat your dead wife?

0:27:210:27:23

Fine. Go ahead.

0:27:230:27:25

It's probably what she would've wanted.

0:27:250:27:29

Sorry about the, er, the kids.

0:27:290:27:31

It turns out it's not possible to get pregnant if she penetrates you.

0:27:330:27:38

Oh, fact of the day.

0:27:380:27:41

-DESTINY:

-Stand back!

0:27:410:27:42

Pub Dog of the Month quarterfinal winner coming through!

0:27:420:27:46

Holy crapfires! Wow, well done!

0:27:460:27:48

-So what you win?

-A collar, a rosette.

0:27:480:27:50

Oh, and a free treatment of this new boric acid flea powder, weirdly.

0:27:500:27:55

What?! My face, my skin!

0:27:570:27:59

Jesus Christ, my skin's dripping off!

0:27:590:28:03

Another light-hearted romp through the canine kingdom for me.

0:28:030:28:07

My baby, she's melting! I'm cradling a melting flea baby!

0:28:070:28:12

So, yeah. What I miss?

0:28:120:28:13

SCREAMING

0:28:130:28:17

-MARION:

-So Will Ferrell is raised as elf at the North Pole...

0:28:330:28:36

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