Episode 6 Mongrels

Yeah. Got a serious vermin issue here, mate. Rat, pigeon...

-Got a fox living under the bins.

-Yeah, foxes are the worst. Crap everywhere,

spread toxocariasis, leptospirosis.

HE CHUCKLES

I had that when I was little, so I happen to be immune, actually.

Best thing - put down a trap,

lined with newspaper, bit of sausage.

-He'll be in there in the morning.

-Ha! That's what you think.

Let me tell you something else about foxes. We're famous for our...

Ooh, is that today's Metro? No, because there is an interview with Darcey Bussell.

-Oh, bums! Marion! Marion!

-Hello, Nelson.

I seem to have got myself into something of a...Jeffrey Archer.

Be right down... Oh.

Another little tip for you. Weigh down your bin lids.

Keeps out scavengers.

On my grandmother's uterus! I'm trapped!

It's OK, Marion. I'm sure we can puzzle our way out of this.

Now, let me see. Newspaper, rainwater, sausage meat.

Hmm...

That gives me an idea.

Hmm. Nope.

Still here.

# La la la la

# La la la la la

# La la la la laaaa. #

Check it!

I've only been accepted for the most famous dog competition in the world!

You're joking! Crufts?

The South Docklands Area Landlords' Association Pub Dog of the Month,

quarterfinals!

Oh. Ruddy well done, Destiny. Now, if you could just pull the lever...

Gary finally sent the form in. God knows I dropped enough hints.

# Because you're gorgeous... #

You drove me to this, Gary!

Understand? You made me do this to you!

Bobby Sands! That is excellent. Now, if you could just reach in

-and pull the lever...

-Ow! Kali! What was that for?

-Retaliation! For the pigeon spikes.

-Gary's just tidying the garden

to keep me clean for the competition. Rat poison, mole traps,

-a squirrel demoraliser.

-A what?

MUSIC: TCHAIKOVSKY "The Dance Of The Reed Flutes" from The Nutcracker

Oh, a lovely nut!

ROBOTIC VOICE: All your friends hate you.

This ain't over. I am going to get those spikes

out of my garden, whatever it takes.

Hate to be a right ruddy bore -

I'm getting deep vein thrombosis.

-Oh, for God's sake!

-Ooh...

-Obliged. Now, time to rescue Marion.

-Too late. He's dead.

-Kali, that's what you said about Andi Peters.

-I never!

-He's probably curled up in his bin, licking his bottom.

-No. Apparently,

-he does a lot of producing work.

-CHEERILY:

-Nelson!

-ANGRILY:

-Still here!

Relax. It's Tuesday, and the bin men come on the Monday,

so we've got another six whole days to find a... Oh, my God!

It was a Bank Holiday weekend!

-MARION:

-Save me!

-HE SNIFFS

-Ugh!

Marion!

-Marion!

-Brethren.

-Welcome to my domain.

-Oh.

-The rats, they have taken me as their god

and elected me all-powerful holy emperor of entire tip. They bow to me

-and offer me sacrifice and pray to me upwards of five times a day.

-They haven't really

-done any of those things, have they, Marion?

-No. No, they haven't. To be honest,

-I kind of get impression they don't like me that much.

-Do you just want to pop the hat off for me then?

-OK.

-Now, let's hit the road...

# I want to know what love is. #

Princess Michael of Kent!

Isn't that just the most beautiful sight on earth?

HE COUGHS

-That skanky fox?!

-If by "skanky",

you mean "heart-stoppingly gorgeous", then yes.

Nelson, she's rank.

If by "rank", you mean "beguiling", then yes.

She is picking lice out of her own arse and eating them.

If by "picking lice

"out of her own..." Ah, so she is. A lot of people

-couldn't carry that off.

-MARION INHALES

Oh, I get it. She's in heat. Heat, man. Screws with your brain.

Makes you do stupid things.

This month, we're reading The Lovely Bones -

a harrowing examination of grief and the murder of innocence.

You've got lovely bones.

Marion, I know what I'm doing, hm?

Now, wish me luck.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Er, tell me...are your paws tired?

Cos you've been running through my mind all... Agh!

-THUMPING AND SNARLING

-Oh, you're a feisty one!

Ahem... You're right - cheesy line.

Tell me, did it hurt when you fell from...?

Stay off my dump, you thieving twat!

Angel, if I wish to steal anything, it is only your heart.

-Don't touch my

-BLEEP

-heart!

I think we might have got off on the wrong foot. I was wondering,

and you've probably got a boyfriend,

but I do this amazing three-bean salad.

-Will you do me the great honour of joining me for dinner?

-Get lost, arse-farmer.

Great! Come on, then, Marion. Say goodbye to your new friends.

Farewell, my tiny disciples. Ow!

I think I'd like to go home now.

So, Gary, it is thanks to you

that my favourite perch has become a bed of nails.

And all to stop your garden being a pigeon toilet. Well, be warned,

you have got a toilet too.

And you're going to need to go sooner or later, Gary!

-Yes, you are, my two-legged...

-Sorry, Kali? Who are you talking to?

Well, it's kind of an internal monologue projected at Gary.

Done, baby. If this was just a beauty contest, you'd win paws down.

-Right, let's prep you for that canine intelligence test.

-What?!

You never mentioned no...

OK. What...? I can't see.

-Destiny, pull it off, girl - I'm timing you.

-Oh, my God, I'm blind!

I'd rather die than be blind! Blind people have such awful hair!

End it! End it now!

Jesus, Destiny.

There's, like, three animals in the whole world that fail this test.

Welcome back to Live From Studio Five.

Sorry it's so dark in here today.

I have so little self-worth

that this is the actual Ian Wright under this tea towel.

Never mind, sweetheart. Daddy still loves you.

Oh! Oh, it was a towel!

Right, test me again.

-Panic over. The wandering yeomen hath return-ed.

-Urgh!

-Don't touch me. You could've picked up anything.

-Interesting you should say this.

-Where's these free

-BLEEP

-beans, then?

My God! What is that?!

"That" happens to have a name, and that name is...

-Sorry, forgot to ask...?

-Sandra.

Sandra. Somehow, I knew it would be.

-Let me guess. She's in heat.

-Destiny, that's neither here nor there.

Just look at her. She's an absolute fox!

-Nelson, she is urinating on me.

-Marion,

it's a symbol of friendship in some...countries. Mainly around the Benelux...

-Nelson, you idiot! Soon as she's off heat, you'll regret this.

-Oi!

-Say that again!

-Get off!

-Destiny, you stop bullying my girlfriend!

She's just jealous, babe. Don't let it bother you. Hey, let me show you my love den.

Man, she is unbearable! We have to find way to break them up.

-Wait! Remember what happened at the end of Nanny McPhee?

-No.

So, Emma Thompson is the Nanny McPhee,

and Colin Firth, he has just lost his wife.

Angela Lansbury, AKA Mrs Potts from Beauty And Beast,

she tells Colin Firth he has to get married or she will separate his children.

So Colin Firth hastily arranges

to marry Celia Imrie, even though she is vulgar!

So Nanny McPhee, who is magic,

she makes it snow, and then there is a cake fight. Then...

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Oh...

I can't believe you made me watch that shit.

THUMPING

SOBBING

So you're basically suggesting...

-we get Vince to savage her.

-Yes, that's basically what I'm suggesting. It's a good film,

-by the way, you should check it out. Granted, it's no Jumanji.

-Huh?

Ah... So, Robin Williams,

he has been trapped inside board game since 1969...

Sorry it's a bit of a mess. Den of iniquity, I sometimes call it!

-Eh?

-HE CHUCKLES

Yeah... In fact,

I haven't seen such a "dirty den" since I Skyped Leslie Grantham...!

Er, but if I can be serious for a minute. Tea?

SNIFFING Ooh...

Donny and Marie Osmond! Vince, I...

see you've met Sandra.

Phwoar...

Lovely stuff. Anyhoo, um, I have made plans for the day, so...

-She's mine now. Cock off.

-Well,

perhaps we should let the little lady

make that choice for herself.

I agree. Cock off!

Better still, we'll fight for her!

HE LAUGHS

-Yeah, all right, then.

-Well, I say fight...anagram challenge?

-We'd each have seven letters and...

-Piss off,

-BLEEP!

-Technically,

that's 11, but OK. I've got Focus...

Punto... Ooh, both cars - that's a bonus point.

-GRUNTING

-Er, what else...?

Er... Font. Erm...

Cusp. Er, er, sniff. Um...

..puffins.

SCREAMING

VINCE: Oh, yeah!

All yours.

Smashing. Tatty-bye.

So, young lady...

you've just made whoopee with another fox right in front of me!

What do you have to say for yourself, hmm?

Twat hammer!

HE SNIFFS # I want to know what love is... #

Oh, how can I stay mad at you?! Come here.

# ..I want you to show me. #

Time to mount the kind of protest Gary can't possibly ignore!

Time to throw myself on the spikes

in a grand gesture of self-sacrifice!

Behold, for I have impaled myself

on the pigeon spikes,

which, in a way, is using them

for the very purpose for which they were erected!

KALI COUGHS

Damn! I have got to start thinking these things through!

- Urgh! Look at that waxy build-up. - Who said...?

- Who said? - Marion?

- Marion. - Can you hear an echo? - Can you hear an echo?

I think this Sandra, she has given you the fleas.

-They can be most irritating.

-What?!

Oh, God, if Gary finds out, he won't enter me!

-CHUCKLING: You said, "Enter you!"

-She wants Gary to enter her.

Shut up!

Do you like it when Gary enters you?

So annoying!

-Am I bovvered? Does my face look bovvered?

-Am I, though? Am I bovvered?

Oh, God, they're quoting The Catherine Tate Show!

You have my deepest, deepest sympathies.

How very dare you!

-Argh...!

-So, Vince, did you kill her?

-Nah. I never eat anything, I just

-BLEEP.

Little tip I picked up from Delia.

Fine. If Vincent cannot save Nelson, it falls on me to do it myself.

Once I've made a quick note.

-ECHOING:

-And never eat anything you've just

-BLEEP...

-Done.

# I want to know what love is. #

Oh, you've got such a great sense of humour.

-BLEEP

-off!

Oh, classic Sandra.

Be gone, vile smell. Leave this earthly realm,

and vanish forever into eternal hereafter!

So, anyway, I thought if I sprayed some Woodland Glade, it might

-mask her scent.

-You idiot! Marion, if you can't accept Sandra,

I'll take her to see someone who will. My parents!

You are making biggest mistake of your life!

It's a good offer, but I'm feeling lucky. Ask me the question, Noel.

You are making the second-biggest mistake of your life!

GLASS SMASHES

Edmonds!

The third?

What have I done?!

Oh, Jesus, who will helicopter the poorly children

their presents this Christmas?

Oh...!

Fourth?!

DVD? You buy DVD?

"Ricky Gervais stars as the only man in the world who can tell a lie."

Mm! That's got to be worth two quid.

For sake of argument, let's just say top ten.

# Everybody's looking for that something

# One thing that makes it all complete... #

Where am I?

-Gary?!

-There you go, little birdy.

-Soon have you on the mend.

-What have you done to me?

Oh, and don't think you can win me over with a shoe box, Gary.

Even like a brand-new, really dry... Is this Reebok?

Birdy want crisps? Sausage roll?

Oh, I see what you're doing, Gary.

Pampering me, so I forget about my campaign of terror.

Well, it won't work.

I may be temporarily out of action,

but I will never, never, never stop in my...

Hello, someone's been to Greggs.

# ..You're flying without wings. #

Dad, this is Sandra.

-All right, Dad.

-Oh, Jesus...

-Oh, isn't that lovely?

She's calling you Dad already.

Yes. Because I am her dad.

-She's your sister.

-What?! Now you mention it, thought she looked familiar.

HE SNIFFS

-LISPING:

-Come on, sis. Let's make rose-water perfume for Mother!

-BLEEP

-your perfume!

Susan Tully! Brother and sister!

-You know what this means, don't you, son?

-Yes, I do.

This makes our relationship...

absolutely bloody perfect! Don't you see?

-No arguments over where to spend Christmas!

-She's on heat, son. You'll regret this

-the moment she comes off.

-That's not true, and I'll prove it.

Dad, I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

-I feel sick.

-Is that a yes?

No, it's a no, son. It's against God and nature,

and if you've got a scrap of sense in that head of yours, you won't do this!

MUSIC: MENDELSSOHN: Wedding March

HE RETCHES

I don't believe this is happening.

Oh! Fleas! Me?!

And now, I'll have to ring round all me old boyfriends!

Destiny? Wow. Wasn't expecting to hear from you. How you been...?

Great, yeah, fine.

-Out in Richmond now.

-HE CHUCKLES

How do you mean, get myself checked?

-Jesus, Destiny, what are you telling me?

-Who is it, Chris?

Uh, no-one, love. Telesales.

-I'm begging you, don't marry her.

-Marion, I love her.

-Can't you just love her like a sister?

-Actually, funny you should say that.

-Don't tell me, I just ate!

-Family, friends, we are gathered here today

to celebrate the union of two very special foxes -

Nelson and the, er, delightful Sandra.

So I must ask if anyone knows of any lawful reason why this pair

should not be married to declare... - She's got fleas!

-She's his freaking sister!

-She's got a

-BLEEP

-like an Argos stockroom!

..Then I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride.

I... She's just doing a bit of a poo there. I'll wait.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh...! Ah...!

I do have a christening at six.

# I'll keep holding on

# I'll keep... #

Lovely service, weren't it, Vince?

Oi, are you trying to take advantage of my fragile emotional state,

-you Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn

-BLEEP?

Well, actually, I was trying to catch some of your big, hard fleas

so they'd attack my little fleas and kill 'em.

-What's happening?

-Someone's coming. Someone new.

What's occurrin'? Only me!

Lovely-jubbly!

Oh, what?! They're exactly the same as mine!

Annoying little bastards, in't they?

-Always the

-BLEEP

-bridesmaid.

Sod this, let's dance!

# Wake up in the morning

# With a head like "What you done?" #

# Get up, get up, get up, get up... #

Well, Sandra, I don't know if our mother told you

-what to expect on your wedding night.

-Is it

-(BLEEP)?

Yeah, good old Mum, straight to the point. Now, precautions...

-Not taking any.

-But...you could fall pregnant.

-Don't give a crap.

-You are so right.

We ARE ready. Now, just quickly pop and brush my teeth.

Maybe you could light the odd tea light... Agh!

Oh, yeah, come on!

I'm a giver, not a taker, Sandra.

SNORING

SANDRA SPLUTTERS

HE YAWNS

HE SIGHS

Marion, you know when you said I only fancied Sandra

-because she was on heat?

-Yeah.

-And that I'd regret marrying her?

-Yeah.

And I said it wasn't because she was on heat at all,

-and that had nothing to do with it?

-Yeah.

Yeah, it was that.

-Thought so. She's minging, isn't she?

-Yeah. Yes, she is.

Never mind. Love them and leave them, eh?

Marion, we can't just break up - we're married,

and she might be in the... family way.

And, oh, it'd just be so much hassle. You see...

# I can't bring myself to leave her

# Breaking up would be unpleasant

# Cos it's almost her birthday and some people might say I only did it

# To avoid buying a present

# I don't want her friends to hate us

# And I've only just changed my Facebook status

# Screw it Let's just stay together

# Breaking up is such a faff

# I can't stand awkward goodbyes

# Breaking up is such a faff I'll just sweat it out

# Until she dies

# I can't bring myself to dump her though she really gets on my tits

# Cos we've booked a trip to Pisa

# I've put it on my Visa

# If we cancel, I'll lose all my deposit

# It's easier to stay the same

# Than to file a travel insurance claim

# Screw it Let's just stay together

# Breaking up is such a faff

# I'm too much of an emotional coward

# Breaking up is such a faff

# Besides, we've just picked out a power shower

# And answer me this, please

# What about all our DVDs?

# Cos, baby, I can't stand it if we have to fight

# Over who owns that copy of The Dark Knight... #

Oh, look. Two copies of DodgeBall. Bonus!

# ..Breaking up is such a faff

# I just wish that I was dead

# Breaking up is such a faff If I act boring

# Maybe she'll leave instead. #

Then again, you hear lots of interesting stuff about tax breaks for married people,

which obviously is worth taking advantage of. And supposedly,

there's health benefits to being in a long-term relationship. Plus, there's a lot

to be said for regular, dependable sex, even if it is with someone you find physically repellent.

Clippers! Need the clippers!

-Computer says no.

-I'm a lady!

Whoa!

-Hello, Kali!

-What?

What you looking at? Have I got something on my beak?

Nothing on your beak. Tiny little something on your hips.

Oh...my...days!

So, yeah, you're massive.

Nah, nah, hold up. It must be the mirror or something.

-It's not the mirror that's the problem - it's your arse.

-Oh, I can't believe

I let this happen to myself!

Oh, well played, Gary.

Well played indeed!

Ah, clippers! In your face, fleas! Prepare to die!

Destiny, wait! Think about it. You'll lose the dog show!

I'd lose anyway. Stupid intelligence round.

We can do the intelligence round for you.

Yeah. I've appeared on Eggheads.

With your body and our brains, we can't lose.

Ah...

-OK, then, fleas. You got a deal.

-Right. Couple of questions...

who are you talking to and are you eating that biscuit? Answer the second one first.

"Dearest Vince,

"many thanks for your generous wedding gift of one dead sparrow.

"All our love, Nelson and..."

Ooh, Sandra, can you just sign?

SPRAYING

Can't help but notice you're still using your old signature.

-HIGH VOICE:

-Nelson! What is the meaning of this?

That's right, young lady. He's already married!

The children want to know when you're coming home.

-Only you can stop the tears.

-Whatever.

-Thanks anyway, Marion.

-I appreciate the effort you've gone to...

-No problem.

-..but I've made my bed.

-I did warn you. Several times.

-Perhaps if you'd been a better wife, none of this would've happened.

-This is my fault?

-And the fact we never go out, I suppose that's my fault?

-Here it comes. And now the tears.

I go to all this effort.

-You never tell me how nice I look!

-I've been under a lot of pressure recently.

-CRASHING

-I shouldn't take it out on you, but...

-I'm stuck! I'm stuck!

Oh, bother!

-Coming, sis!

-Just let me out, dickwit. Wifey wants her loving.

On second thoughts, maybe this is a good time to talk...

about us.

-OK. We're in.

-All these dogs. We got no chance.

Look, you just worry about the intelligence round,

I'll take care of the rest.

Now, 1980s power pop, please.

MUSIC STARTS

Thank you.

# Try to be best

# Cos you're only a man

# And a man's got to learn to take it

# Try to believe though the going gets rough

# That you gotta hang tough to make it

# History repeats itself

# Try and you succeed

# Never doubt that you're the one

# And you can have your dream

# You're the best around

# Nothing's going to ever keep you down

# You're the best around

# And nothing's going to ever keep you down

# You're the best around... #

It all comes down to this - canine intelligence.

Destiny, the plucky but stupid young Afghan challenger,

against Chomsky, the intellectual sheepdog,

-author of several philosophical works.

-Shut up!

-Sorry!

Couldn't resist that.

-And...find the biscuit!

-SLOW TICKING

Ah...it's the one on the right.

In the name of God, I hope you know what you're doing.

Winner!

# You're the best around... #

Oh, my God! We did it!

# You're the best around

# And nothing's going to ever keep you down. #

Wow! You've grown, little birdy.

Yeah, it's actually very rude of you to comment on that, actually, Gary.

-Big little birdy, aren't you?

-Yes, I am!

I am working this girth!

Baby, you ain't ready for this jelly! We got any jelly?

Think you've had too much of the indoors. Let's set you free.

Now, hang on, Gary. Let's talk about this.

There we go.

So, yeah. This is embarrassing.

Oh, that's where that hot dog went. Mmm.

Maybe you getting driven out to the middle of nowhere and set loose

in the woods is exactly what we need right now.

You know, bit of space.

They won't release her into no woods. No.

She'll get shot in the back of the head.

-Vince, that's a complete urban myth.

-Is it now?

-Oh, Gorden Kaye! What happened?

-I can't remember,

but if I stick a pencil in it, I can see Jesus.

-HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

-All right, JC? Things all right?

How's your dad?

Oh, God, I'm going to die!

Oh, God!

Can't quite believe I'm going to do this.

Come on, then, dear. Let's go home

and crap all over our favourite soft furnishings. Where are you going?

-Back to the dump, aren't I?

-What? But why?

I had time to think and I loved you, Nelson.

-I thought we

-BLEEP

-had something, but you spent our whole marriage

talking in front of my face

about how rank I am and how you'd do anything to get rid of me,

so...

-this is

-BLEEP

-goodbye.

Ha-ha! The skank is gone at last.

SOBS

High-five!

No! No high-five, because there was a monster in that den, Marion.

And that monster was me.

Sandra!

Sandra, come back!

Time to fly, little birdy.

LAUGHS

Come on, Gary, let's call a truce, yeah?

Start over, OK? Yeah, good lad.

Wah... THUD!

Sandra? Sandra? Kali, have you seen my...

Oh. Oh, dear.

What you staring at? Never seen a two-stone pigeon before?

Actually, no, not sure that I have.

But it was more the fox that you're, um, sitting on somewhat that I was...

Oh...

condolences.

SOBS

Yeah, I'm just going to come right out and say this -

do you mind if I eat your dead wife?

Fine. Go ahead.

It's probably what she would've wanted.

Sorry about the, er, the kids.

It turns out it's not possible to get pregnant if she penetrates you.

Oh, fact of the day.

-DESTINY:

-Stand back!

Pub Dog of the Month quarterfinal winner coming through!

Holy crapfires! Wow, well done!

-So what you win?

-A collar, a rosette.

Oh, and a free treatment of this new boric acid flea powder, weirdly.

What?! My face, my skin!

Jesus Christ, my skin's dripping off!

Another light-hearted romp through the canine kingdom for me.

My baby, she's melting! I'm cradling a melting flea baby!

So, yeah. What I miss?

SCREAMING

-MARION:

-So Will Ferrell is raised as elf at the North Pole...