Episode 7 Mongrels

-Goodnight.

-See you tomorrow, then, love.

RUSTLING

Right, you know the plan, Marion.

Let's get the birthday card and get the rock out of here!

This is it.

Damn it! Bereavement section.

Left a bit. Left, left!

Christening...

Anniversary...

Purple Ronnie...

It's funny because it's true!

Also because it's got the word "fart" in it.

-Hurry up!

-Sorry...

-Oh, perfect! Vince'll love this.

-'Am I bovvered though!

'Am I? Am I bovvered? Am I bov...?'

Oh, God! She's coming! Move, Marion!

Ha-ha-ha! Ah, Nels, man, we was ninja!

-Ninja!

-Oh, no...

Oh, God, no-o-o-o!

Wrong size.

MARION SIGHS

Hold up, Nelson. You did all that, just to get Vince

-a crappy little birthday card?

-Man, you are such a prick.

It is the little things in life that mark us out from the savages.

Still, I do get myself into some bloody scrapes.

I'm worse than naughty Marley from Marley & Me!

-Marley! What have you done this time?

-What? Seriously, what?

Oh, that. Yeah.

Kind of went off in her mouth there.

Well, better go get groomed. Laddie's coming over in a bit.

-Another new boyfriend?

-Uh-huh.

My, my, Destiny, you are some kind of slag.

Oi! I totally thought this was the one, you know.

He's a sheepdog, got his own flock.

But, God, he's always telling me what to do.

Come by! Come by! Come by my place! We'll watch the Beethoven trilogy.

Don't wear that collar, it's too tarty, makes you look like a whore. Now away! Away! Away!

Whoa! Sounds like a proper control freak, innit?

-You should dump him, yeah? Probably start hitting you and that.

-What, to make himself feel better?

Exactly! Plus you've just got one of those faces...

Kali! She is right, though. You should break up with him...

Oh, shut up! God, seriously,

-if one more person bosses me about, I'll...

-Destiny! Eat your dinner.

Right, you asked for this, you fat-arsed, mouth-breathing sack of...

Chicken liver? Nice choice. Tres bien!

Look, if this Laddie's coming over, maybe I'll stick around,

like, in case he gets violent.

-Yeah, what, for support?

-Yeah.

For support...

SHE SCREAMS, SPLAT!

OK, Vince...

surprise!

Oh... Jesus! You are such a girly, metrosexual wanker!

But in a good way, though, yeah?

So what else you got me, then? Eh? A children's entertainer?!

No! As if!

Abort! Abort!

Nelson, foxes don't have rooftop picnics, yeah?

-Just like we don't have christenings or baby showers or

-BLEEP

-star signs.

OK! God!

Talk about classic Libra.

Where have you been all day? I called you every five minutes on this thing.

HE SNIFFS

You've been with someone else, haven't you?

-What?!

-That's it, I'm muzzling you.

Hey, enough! Laddie, you're dumped.

What?

And before you even think about hitting me...

Destiny, I'm not going to hit you!

Right, sorry, do you mind me asking why not?

-Destiny, I love you.

-Well, save it, because we're done.

You're way too controlling.

Oh, don't leave me. Please. I'll...

-I'll hang myself!

-Oh, whatever!

And, I mean, for God's sake,

what are you even going to hang yourself from?

-Oh.

-Always pays to be prepared, innit?

Seriously, call yourself a fox?

I am a fox! I just don't let it define me.

-You what?

-I'll show you.

Marion, my watercolours... HE CHOKES

Maybe later.

Point is, I AM a regular wild child!

-Right. And I am the Duchess of

-BLEEP.

OK, I shall prove it.

Marion, a party popper!

God, I only hope you know what you are doing.

HOARSELY: # I can't live

# If living is without you... #

HE CHOKES

Oh, just come down! Please!

# I can't give any more... #

You're embarrassing me.

You've Been Framed, here I come!

I'm going to fire this at my own face

in clear breach of health and safety protocol.

Then we'll see who's wild.

If, indeed, I can still see.

OK! Fine! We're not broken up.

-Really?

-Really.

Good.

OK, why isn't this...?

-Argh! The tiny, circular piece of card went right into my eye!

-Whoa, Vince, steady on.

-Now, about that collar...

-Argh!

Well, now there's a stroke of luck.

I'm...OK. Just a little...scratch.

Oh, oh...

It is worse than that injury I got when I appeared on Fifth Gear!

It might be thirstier than a camel with a hangover...

NELSON: It is a 30 zone... BUMP!

..but it handles like a middle-aged virgin.

God, did I hit something?

And I still say the suspension felt spongy.

Nelson, he's losing blood. Like, onto me!

We've got to do something!

Well, my auntie used to say Horlicks and a hot bath could cure everything!

Until she died of pancreatic cancer.

HE GAGS

Gross! He's going into, like, shock or something.

Nelson... Something I want you to know.

If I die...

Oi! Now, don't you go getting all mushy on me, Vince.

..I'm going to come back as a spirit and rape you.

Like in that film Ghost.

Yeah...

Pretty sure that's not what happens.

Till then...run my patch for me.

Run your patch? Vince, I would be abso-bloody-lutely honoured!

Pff! Him? He's totally crap at all that stuff!

-Oi! I've marked my territory.

-With bunting.

-Still counts.

-Look after my manor...

or I will bum you, literally, to death.

HE CHOKES AND SPLUTTERS

Now, I'm no Freudian, but there's a chap with issues.

# If I die before I wake

# At least in heaven... #

My clip would've been loads better than this crap.

Oh, a dog on a skateboard, real original(!)

Seriously, come back, Jeremy Beadle, all is forgiven.

HE ROARS

OK, sheepdog. Brown bin or blue bin?

Hmm...blue bin.

So, guys, turns out I've pretty much put Vince into something of a birthday coma.

And there's me thinking National Trust membership was a crappy gift.

Marion, they have got sites all over the country,

and it's not just you, you're entitled to take a guest.

Not that you've ever offered.

-Did you want something?

-Oh. Er, well, until Vince is better,

he wants me to take care of his territory.

Vince's place, man. That is mad rough.

Apparently, Vince's territory is so rough, even the rapists carry rape alarms.

Um, OK, er, look, Marion, why don't you just come along,

just to observe, vis-a-vis how the old fox territory scenario plays out? Hm?

Perfect. This way I learn the ways of wild from my good friend Nelson.

TV: 'Look what happens when this little electro cutie

'catches up on all the latest current affairs!'

Ha-ha, check it - that pigeon's going to be toast!

What?! That's my mum!

-Argh! I'm burning!

-LAUGHTER ON TV

My flesh is burning! Help me!

Don't just stand there filming me, you monster!

(Mama.)

So, Vince's place should be just along here.

Come on, Nelson, you're an animal, you're an animal, you're an...

Oh, nuts, I left my pepper spray in my other purse.

We're here.

Whoa!

But...it's immaculate!

He's got a pool! If I'd known, I'd have brought my cossie.

Hang up, what is this dude's problem?

Ha-ha, Marion, don't be ridiculous!

(He's Irish, they can be touchy.)

Sorry, mate, he's been on the bottle!

IRISH ACCENT: So he has.

Now, we've just got to keep this place exactly as it is until Vince gets back.

And how hard can that be, eh?

Now... Boules? Hup!

Oh, nice! Reclaimed wood.

Stephen K Amos! You scared the life out of me!

Don't hurt us, master!

-Please, master!

-Let us free, master!

Er, Marion...

Think I've been mistaken for Boy George again.

Eat my pain, you pope-bothering bitch!

Oh, joy. You're doing that.

Obviously I'm, like, devastated Laddie died.

And I'm worried about his flock.

You know what sheep are like - brainless, they'll follow anything.

Yes, I WOULD like to learn more about your bullshit religion.

But, God, Laddie was always, like, telling me what to do.

Like I don't get enough of that from Gary indoors.

"Don't sit there, don't chew that. Don't go down to the woods today."

So... This is a big surprise.

No, don't, don't stop on my account.

It's just...kind of in the middle of a public footpath.

It's, like, the only one around here who don't make demands on me is, like...

well, you.

Listen, Vince. Would you like to go for a walk with me?

Just say if you don't want to.

HE GURGLES

Sweet.

-Mama!

-Kali, you're home!

What are you doing here?

What do you think? I came to see you! Also, I brought some washing.

Kali...I...I don't have long left.

OK, OK, now, don't you dare die on me!

No, seriously, because all my holiday stuff is in there

and a few of us are thinking about Magaluf.

You've Been Framed...

they did this to me.

Kettle on first, catch up later?

I...I... I didn't even get the £250...

Mum?

Mum!

Mama's gone!

Dad, Dad, it's Mum!

She's... She's dead!

Oh, no! Oh, God, no!

SOBS

You got any idea where she kept the tea bags?

-Oh, should be some in the tin over by t'chimney.

-Oh, all right.

Holy Fritzl!

So this is how Vince keeps his place looking so nice.

He... He only keeps us alive so he can eat us!

Or make us do his gardening.

Or hold us down and then bum us!

Just me? Seriously?

-Actually, I'm kind of flattered.

-Please, new fox, you have to let us out!

I'd love to, really I would, but until Vince is better...

-How do you mean, "better"?

-Vince, he's in the coma, like Detective Sam Tyler.

-My name is Vince Fox. I had an accident and woke up in 19...

-BLEEP

-..73.

Am I mad, back in time, or in a coma?

Hello, just pissed myself. It's a coma.

Point is, until he gets better, I'm kind of in charge around here and...

Vince is a vegetable! We're free!

No, get back, no! Hey?

Stop! Stop!

CAR ALARM WAILS

Still, at least they took care of this beardy-weirdy, yes?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I'm a dead man!

# I never thought I'd feel this way The way I feel

# About you

# As soon as I wake up every night Every day

# I know that it's you I need to take the blues away

# It must be love, love, love

# It must be love, love, love

# Nothing more, nothing less... #

And I had a real nice time, the two of us,

gabbling away like a pair of little kids.

Innit, Vince?

Exactly!

Sounds corny, I know,

but it's like - retch alert - I've finally found someone who listens.

Someone who just lets me be me...

-Vince! Get up! Get up!

-What are you doing?

He needs to come home! His territory, it's gone totally Basra!

Nelson! He's in a coma, yeah? You can't just wake him up.

Hmm? Really? Well, we'll see who can't wake people out of comas. Marion, bring in...

Ronan Keating!

Eternally sorry, Nelson.

Apparently he's mixing his new single at studio in Norway.

-You have got to be kidding me.

-Keith Duffy is available.

Oh, yeah, Marion. Like Keith Duffy ever roused anyone from a coma(!)

-You idiot!

-Don't be like this. I got you little something to say sorry.

OK, if that's the fat one from Westlife, I don't even want to see it.

-Which fat one?

-Any of them!

That's it, then. Guess he's not waking up.

VINCE GROANS

I'll just have to try and deal with his bloody territory on my own.

Well, look, don't worry about Vince.

-I'll take good care of him.

-Thanks.

Now, Marion, if that's the runty one from JLS, we are going to have words.

Ah! I'm all kind of excited. When can we go back to Vince's place?

Actually, I'm not going in today.

-My, er, glands are up.

-No frigging way!

Hope it's not the mumps, the silent killer.

Marion, mumps isn't the silent killer.

Tim's the silent killer, aren't you, Tim?

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Actually, no.

Might be thinking of someone else there.

Oh, God. How embarrassing.

Apologies. I didn't mean to show you up, you know.

No, no, no, no. Totally my fault.

Ah, salt! Salt's the silent killer.

Yes, yes, that is right.

-It's fine, you know, I get it a lot.

-Anyway, love to the wife.

Nice man, terrible drinking problem.

You have to get Vince's place back under control. He'll kill you!

How? If I go back there, they'll kill me!

They're animals! Not that it's their fault.

Bet they can barely even...

read...

Marion, I'll meet you over there.

-KALI SOBS

-Oh, Kali. Why so sad?

It's Mama. She's...

She's with the other pigeons now.

-In Heaven?

-In the guttering above Blockbuster.

I am forever sorry for your loss.

And if there's anything you want from me...

There is only one thing I want. Revenge!

Revenge against this hairless high priest of home-video hatred!

Death to Harry Hill, and everything he stands for!

Except TV Burp. I quite like that!

-Oh, no.

-SHE SUCKS HER TEETH

I didn't think that through.

By Tyson's lisp!

-They've wrecked the place.

-Don't panic, I've got this.

Guys? If we could just form a circle?

Or a semicircle, whatever you find...

-OK, who threw that?

-I did.

Well, kudos. Because that's really heavy.

Yeah, especially for a girl.

No, you're right, that was sexist.

See, I've been thinking and I know where your anger comes from.

Why you smash stuff and vandalise things

and throw Breville steam irons at people.

It's because you're not middle class.

You what?

But I know how to make you that way.

I just need to teach you how to read.

Behold, The Tale Of Timmy Tiptoes.

Oh, my God, that is mad gay, yeah?

He's not gay, actually,

he is incredibly resourceful, as you'll find out if you just...

Animals! Burn the books while dancing around them and urinating!

No, no, please! They're first editions! They were a christening present!

-Nels, big guy...

-I'm OK, Marion. Seriously.

In that case, would you mind if I joined in? Only that really looks like fun!

Fine. Just try not to get any wee on Benjamin Bunny.

Honestly, I just wish I'd never put Vince in that bloody coma.

-You did that to Vince?

-Nelson saved us from Vince.

-Nelson's our hero!

-Hm?

And if Nelson says reading's cool, reading must be cool, right?

You're right! Teach us to read, Nelson!

Please, Nelson.

I'll do better than that.

I'll teach you how to read, how to play chess, how to write poetry,

how to keep bees, and how to watch Formula 1 racing. Know why?

Because...

# Middle class is magical A safe world free from strife

# Let bad things happen to other folk while you read Country Life

# Buy an AGA, wear a Monsoon dress Get your food from M&S

# Own an iPhone, watch Bear Grylls Take antidepressant pills

# Middle class is magical

# Drive a 4x4 to school

# Keep three sorts of hummus in your fridge

# Make-over your downstairs loo

# Learn to salsa, ski in Verbier

# Drink too much Chilean Chardonnay

# Ignore the homeless

# Don't mind burkas Condescend to migrant workers

HE WHISTLES

# When all the world is middle class

# There'll be no poverty or starvation

# Cos we'll all grow our own mangetout

# And Myleene Klass will rule the nation

# Because... Middle class is magical

# Join us and you'll see

# You're already halfway there cos you're not watching ITV

# Yes, middle class is magical

# What matters is what we wear

# Let's pay someone else to do the difficult jobs

# While we work on our hair

# Middle class is magical, yeah! #

HE LAUGHS

It's like... It's like somehow I feel more civilised.

And look at this place, it's so urban.

Quick, gentrify it!

Before the property prices go down!

And the faster we do it

the more time we'll have to tackle the killer sudoku in today's Independent.

And my work here is done.

So, yeah, this is kind of nice. Us two, watching girly films, having dinner.

I know, bit weird.

You're a fox, I'm a dog.

Libra, Scorpio. Unconscious, awake.

But we've just got something.

I couldn't be happier if I was, like, dating Mr frigging Darcy!

Hmm.

Um, think I might be a tiny bit in love with you.

Vincent, just promise me one thing...

# Don't go breaking my heart

# Oh, honey, if I get restless

# So don't go breaking my heart... #

Now kiss me, you brain-dead fool.

Wow! Um, Vince!

Oh, ooh! What are you doing to me?

We can't... Can we?

-Destiny, I think you've got...

-Get out!

Now, why isn't that...?

God, it's like trying to plug a scart lead into an aerial socket.

Oh, that's right, you just lay there while I do all the work!

-Vince!

-Where am I?

Why are you on top of me?

-Also, why the

-BLEEP

-am I dressed like Colin Firth?

Ah. Um, like, so...

Yeah. We're kind of...dating.

Dating?

Yeah! Now, finish your prawn cocktail and we can watch Two Weeks Notice.

-Are you kidding, Destiny?! I'm a

-BLEEP

-fox.

I hate Sandra Bullock films!

Didn't hear you complaining when we watched The Lake House.

I was in a coma.

Coma! It's always about you, innit, Vince?

What about me? What about my needs?

All right. OK, I'm sorry, you're right.

Please, do go on, you mental bint!

Well! Do you know something? You've changed!

Ever since you regained consciousness, you've just been...different!

That's it, I'm off.

-Pantaloons?! Where did you even find panta...

-BLEEP

-..loons?!

A fa... Fancy-dress shop.

So don't get nothing on them cos they've got to go back.

OK, three things.

-BLEEP

-you,

-BLEEP

-Sandra Bullock,

-and

-BLEEP

-your

-BLEEP

-fancy

-BLEEP

-dress shop

-BLEEP

-deposit!

BLEEP

God, what a total psycho!

That is so hot.

Here, Harry, Harry, Harry!

Here, Harry, Harry, Harry!

No way! Destiny? On top of Vince?

Yes! Kissing him and all sorts.

-Not that I care, obviously.

-Oh, no, no.

Here, Harry, Harry, Harry!

For the love of God, Kali! What are you even doing?

I'm luring Harry Hill into the garden.

With a Thai bride and some Genesis.

-Huh?

-Think about it, yeah?

It's what all bald men want.

And when he gets here, I've got a little surprise for him.

Let's see how he likes it when it is he who is the you that has been framed.

Vince, you're awake!

Show me my territory now or I will suck your eyes out and then kneecap ya!

Right.

Simple "please" would've sufficed.

Looks pretty tidy. Very nice. What d'you use, Nelson, a truncheon?

I used my heart, Vince. And there's more.

Hang on, what they doing outside their hole?

No, it's OK. See, I taught them how to be middle class

and now they are adorable.

They even came up with a performance piece to welcome you home.

Behold, The Dance Of The Sexy Fox!

MUSIC: "Swan Lake" by Tchaikovsky

So, Vinny Vince Vincent, what do we think?

Tell you what I think?

-Well, since you asked, I think you, Nelson, are a grade-A

-BLEEP.

Go on.

I didn't keep this lot brutalised and terrified

for japes and sodding giggles, yeah?

I did it cos that's what they need to survive!

Cos that's what life on the streets is actually like.

It ain't book groups and aqua aerobics and Windows 7 launch parties, yeah?

It's pain, and fear, and terror!

Who hurt you, Vince? Who made you scared to love?

Then you come along and turn them into a bunch of poncey, mincing needle workers!

Um, we prefer the term "needle craftspeople".

What's going to happen when this bunch of limp-wristed, flouncing benders

get attacked by some mental stray dog?

BARKING

For example.

Ah, well.

Here comes the pain.

So the upshot is,

probably shan't bother with Vince's birthday another year.

-This is good idea.

-Hmm.

-Harry! Me love you long time!

-Give it up, Kali, he ain't coming.

What were you even going to do to him, anyway?

Perfectly simple, innit?

I was going lure him into sitting in that rickety garden chair,

then I'd hit him with a Swingball, he'd topple back into that paddling pool,

I'd drop a birthday cake on his face...

Heaven's Gate. It's him!

Weird. I could've sworn I heard some Genesis.

Oh, God, Kali! Improvise, improvise, improvise,

improvise, improvise, improvise... Oh! World War II stick grenade.

TICKING

BOOM!

OK, Harry Hill - brown bin or blue bin?

ALL: Brown bin.

Here, Harry, Harry, Harry!