Episode 8 Mongrels

FIREWORKS BANG Oh, wow!

Ooh!

The sky. It is falling.

It is the end of the world.

And I never got to see Mariah Carey live.

So at least that's one thing.

Marion, you fool, run!

On my father's kidneys... you...you saved my life.

Designated fire warden, Marion.

-It's what we do.

-You're our hero, Nelson.

We're just lucky this large, tepee-shaped, wooden shelter

filled with kindling appeared in the garden.

Quick register... Alison, Beverly, Benjamin...

Here we go, kids... happy Bonfire Night!

WHOOMPH!

Argh...!

-Fire! Fire! Fire!

-Nelson, is OK.

You were having the bad dream...

You're right - just a dream, just a dream.

..about something that actually happened.

Oh, yeah. Robert Mugabe! Those poor animals.

My friend, you have to get over this.

It was so very, very, very,

very, very, very,

very, very long ago.

Coincidentally, one year to this day.

Argh...!

# La la la la

# La la la la la

# La la la la laaaa. #

..Argh...!

-Nelson!

-Hello?

God, you are such a knobskull. It's only lame-ass Bonfire Night.

-OK, Kali, get this.

-Yeah?

-I always think it must be an Austrian thing...

-Yeah?

..because every year Gary drugs me and puts me in the cellar!

-THEY LAUGH

-Ah, incest.

Destiny, this is no laughing matter.

It's yet another example of mankind's barbarism.

First it was fox-hunting...

# Keep on running... # BARKING

..then drag-hunting, which was hardly an improvement.

# Keep on running... # BARKING

Oh, why did I ever agree to this?

And now Bonfire Night.

My good friend, you know what you must do.

No! After what I did,

I swore to that little girl I'd never pick up a clipboard again.

-What little girl?

-You see, I tried to find forgiveness.

MUSIC AND SCREAMING 'I visited the victims of the blaze

'to make peace for the terrible thing I'd done.'

So...we're all square?

All square?!

You led me into a 1,000-degree inferno, you killed my two young children,

and you've brought me...a bunch of grapes and a copy of Chat magazine!

CHEWING: Mmm. And a Toblerone.

'Heck, I even tried volunteer work.'

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Oh, you've got a lovely voice.

Take my bandages off - I want to see your face.

Careful, now...

-GASPS:

-You?!

You murdered my dad, you murdering, murderous bastard!

Toblerone? SHE SOBS

'And that's why I swore I'd never pick up a clipboard again.'

-MUSIC STOPS

-It's all flashbacks with you this week.

-It really is. It really is.

Well, if you won't protect the innocent animals this Bonfire Night,

then I guess I have to.

Nelson?

-FLASHBACK MUSIC PLAYS

-Nelson?

-Eh?

Ooh, sorry - just having another one. Quite amusing, actually. Ooh.

Shame you can't all see it.

Destiny, fetch!

So, any plans for Bonfire Night this year?

Ah, the traditional whimper at the loud noises...

oh, maybe soil the carpet.

Go on, girl. Fetch!

-He's not getting this, is he?

-Don't know what to say, mate.

Hard to get an action shot when she don't move.

-Action shot?

-Oh, Brendan.

-He's a dog photographer.

-Huh?

-Always looking for new models.

ENTHUSIASTIC PANTING

Ah...there's a good girl.

I'm whatever kind of girl you want me to be.

Seems to have attitude.

Attitude?! I got more attitude than a Brighton newsagent!

SHE LAUGHS

Shooting a calendar at the moment, as it happens.

Bring her down to the studio, we'll try her out.

Ohmigod-ohmigod-ohmigod-ohmigod!

-You might make some money out of this one.

-What? Sell her on eBay?

You know what, Gary? Yeah, I think I will fetch that stick.

Shove it right up your arse!

Barbara? Yes.

Jaden? I'm here.

Penelope? Present.

You don't know what you've taken on, Marion.

Fire warden is a tougher job than guest-hosting This Morning

alongside an unmedicated Eamonn Holmes.

And in a moment, we'll be talking to Michael Crawford...

Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Nobody touches me.

-Nobody, nobody.

-..about his return to the West End.

But first, another chance to win £50,000 in our big cash giveaway.

Your fingers are upside down.

-WOMAN:

-He's got a sword! Argh!

Franklin? Yes.

Bluebell? Yes.

Toby? I'm here.

Sanjit? Sanjit?

Not here. OK.

-Not alphabetical.

-Huh?

-The register.

It's supposed to be in alphabetical order.

-This is how wars start, Marion.

-OK. So I'll change it.

You can't, because you've done it in pen.

You always do it in pencil first!

-Man, you're good.

-Also you've got the clipboard upside down,

you're not wearing your high-vis tabard

and, for some reason, you're standing in a bucket of paraffin.

H'OK, you've made your point. I'll get rid of this,

-start again.

-Right. LIGHTER CLICKS Now, not to be over-critical...

-WHOOMPH!

-Oh! Oh, it burns. It burns. Oh...

But you really should've left a 1.5-inch margin

and double-spaced your writing.

Because if you need to use the first-aid kit,

-there is nowhere to jot down what you've taken!

-Oh...! Relax.

It's fine. I'm out. Now, a little Old Spice for the ladies.

Oh!

Ah-ha!

Oh...oh, my stinging...!

H'ow...! Hoo!

-No, no, no.

-Wahay, wa-ha-ha.

So I got a new job. Glamour model.

Don't tell me. Bloke in the park. Says he can make you famous.

-Maybe.

-And as he spoke to you,

just how furiously was he masturbating?

Kali, if I get this gig, it could lead to all sorts of other stuff.

-Hmm, dog porn.

-Acting.

-Dog porn.

-Charity work.

-Dog porn.

-I could do one of those adverts.

VOICE-OVER ACTRESS: I am cold and wet.

Will you give just £2 a month to find me a new home?

Come on, Grandma. Two quid. You can afford it.

Maybe turn the heating down a bar.

Because if you don't, I'll die.

And I'll be waiting for you.

Waiting in hell!

Not long now, Grandma!

Or...

-some dog porn.

-SNIPPING

-Ow!

Huh?

You see, Marion, if you clip her wings, she can't fly into fireworks.

Oh, you've grounded me!

Oh, you stupid, dumb-ass, halfwit, cock-brain bastard!

All part of the service, ma'am. Oh, yeah.

I am back! I'm back, baby, back!

Ah-hem, first of all, I want to thank you for attending

the annual garden fire drill.

Nice to see so many new faces since last year.

-That's because we all had to have reconstructive surgery.

-Oh.

Well, you know what they say - women like scars. Rugged.

-Not when they're covering 98% of your body.

-It's a fair point.

-GLASWEGIAN:

-Get on with it, cock-end!

-ALL: Yeah!

Absolutely. See, I've actually arranged

for a special visitor to talk to you about fire safety.

So please give a warm Isle of Dogs welcome to Captain Flame.

Oh, my Jesus Christ! Captain mother-loving Flame!

Nelson, you magnificent son of a bitch, how did you arrange this?

My God! All day we been together, you never even mention it once!

Ha-ha! All my life I've wanted to meet

-Captain Fl...

-Marion, I only came up with him half an hour ago.

Eh? Still...it's exciting for me.

Now, Captain Flame, what advice can you give us for Bonfire Night?

AS CAPTAIN FLAME: Keep all fireworks in a biscuit tin.

A biscuit tin, yes.

Always test the batteries in your smoke alarm.

Smoke alarm, yes.

This is bullshit, man!

OK, now, simmer down.

We lost loved ones on 5/11.

We want Bonfire Night abolished... for good!

CROWD CHEERS

-You're losing them, Nelson.

-Er...all right,

then I, Nelson, hereby promise to end Fireworks Night once and for all.

CHEERING

Great work, Nelson.

-How you going to do it?

-I have absolutely no idea.

What about you, Captain Flame?

-We should kill a hitchhiker. CROWD:

-Nelson! Nelson!

-Nelson! Nelson! Nelson!

-OK, I'm taking this off now.

So, Destiny...nervous?

A bit nervous of the other models in case they're all bitchy,

because I'm, like, so sensitive, I'll probably cry.

Oh, no. We're very nice.

-"We"?!

-Yes, I'll be modelling with you today.

Oh, wow... No, good for you.

Seriously. It'll be nice to see some plus-size girls out there.

And, after all...

MUSIC PLAYS

# If there's one thing I know

# Thanks to Gok Wan's TV show

# It's that ugly women are attractive

# They're just as good as me

# Though lacking genetically

# With a thyroid gland that's clearly overactive

# Ugly women are beautiful too

# They're always sweet and trusting

# Even though they look disgusting

# Ugly women are beautiful too

# Don't mean no disrespect

# When I say you look like Shrek

# Ugly women are...

# Beautiful too... #

Forget exfoliation

That won't hide your deformation, girl

The only way to shoot you is with a whaling gun

But who cares who's the fattest? Cos it's what's inside that matters

And whatever the hell that is, girl You must have bleeding tons.

# ..Ugly women are beautiful too

# I'm sexy, cute and savvy You're why cousins shouldn't marry

# Ugly women are beautiful too

# I look like Cheryl Cole You're an ad for birth control

# Ugly women are

# Beautiful too

# Ugly, big, fat women

# Just like you! #

-Don't touch me.

-SHE SOBS

What? It was satire.

Grounded! Man, this totally sucks.

Still, at least I'll be eligible for the 2012 Animal Paralympics.

On your marks...

FIRES PISTOL

Hello, hello. A helpless, disabled, little pigeon.

-And just in time for elevenses.

-Vince. Ah...

No. Um... Ah...

How about I do you some eggs instead? Now, how do you like them? Sunny-side up?

-You do realise I've got...

-COUGHS

-..bird flu?

-Oh, look over there - a lamb doing Riverdance.

-Where?

IRISH JIG MUSIC

So, yeah, that was unexpected.

You know what I should've done? I should've used that moment to escape.

Ah-hem. Look over there - a lamb doing Riverdance.

No?

Lucky for you, I've just had some treacle toffee, as it goes,

so I'll have to save you for later.

Don't you go anywhere. Oh, you can't,

-you Patrick Stewart from X-Men

-BLEEP!

IRISH MUSIC RISES TO A CLIMAX

CROWD APPLAUDS AND CHEERS

Right-ho, gang, you asked me to end Bonfire Night,

-and I've only gone and bloody done it.

-Oh, yeah? How?

One word - wristbands.

Marion...

Now, I know what you're thinking, it's a bit 2005.

But these things ended world poverty and cured breast cancer.

-And now they're going to help us too.

-That's it?!

Trust me, it is the safest way to end this terrible menace. Everyone, take a wristband.

THEY CHOKE

Or...how about a little singsong?

# It's Bonfire Night There's no need to be afraid

# On Bonfire Night

# Our homes were set alight, our children sauteed... #

Enough! Enough of your feeble contribution.

We demand more than words!

Ah-hem...

# Saying I love you... #

Not the bloody song More Than Words!

We demand direct action

to end Bonfire Night for ever

and to kill - yes, kill - the human scum responsible.

CHEERING

-Do I start the tombola now?

-I think the moment's passed.

Come on, Marion, we will have no part of this...madness.

My feline brother, do you know what humans do to cats on 5/11?

They stick fireworks... up your arses.

Run this by me again.

Right up your arses. Then they light the fuse and watch you explode.

-Hot crap, Nelson, you never told me this!

-Oh!

That's because it's an urban myth, like the one about Jamie Lee Curtis being a hermaphrodite.

-I've seen it...with my own eyes.

-Really? When?

-You see her top half in Trading Places, but I wasn't aware she'd ever got her...

-Brother,

are you with the cat-killers...

-or against?

-Against! Against!

Fine. Stay if you want, Marion. I'm leaving.

Except this is actually my den, so, uh...

Yeah, just give me a shout when you're finished.

OK, Gary, bring the dogs over.

Yours ran off, mate.

Oh...! Oh, well, no worries. Send in Sprinkles.

Sprinkles? Who's Sprinkles?

You do know you're moulting?

Don't try your shit with me, Blondie.

I was doing this when you was still on your mum's tit.

Now, do what I say, and no-one gets their eyes scratched out.

Mi-aow!

MUSIC: "Centrefold" by J Geils Band

# Come on!

# My blood runs cold My memory has just been sold

# My angel is the centrefold Angel is the centrefold

# My blood runs cold My memory has just been sold... #

-Come and have a look at these.

-OK, what's the frigging hold-up?

Argh!

Oh, look! Sleeping on the job. Right, let's do a load with just Destiny.

Well, if you insist...

Help! Help!

-What's the problem, friend?

-I'm grounded,

and this big fox is gonna come and eat me, and, and, and...

Have no fear. Just climb on my back, and together we'll...

Argh!

Sucker! Heh-heh-heh!

Right, you flightless slag, my belly's all a-rumble for pigeone.

Good.

Ooh...!

-Oh, yeah! Ooh!

-BURPS

And, for dessert, would sir care for the albatross?

Bugger me!

I can't believe she landed an albatross. I mean, fair play to her.

Six.

'Bringing Kali's score to a highly respectable 29.

'Coming up, Vince forgets to buy ingredients...'

Apologies, but there's cock-all in the pantry.

Which means it's either takeaway, or I eat you lot.

'..and find out who takes home the £1,000 cash prize.'

You know, I can't help but feel

-the result has been rendered somewhat

-BLEEP

-moot.

Can't wait to see what you do next.

Well, I do know this shrew...

-Shrew?! Do I look

-BLEEP

-French?!

I am not eating queer food.

Right, yeah. No, course not. Heh-heh-heh. Hmm...

-HEDGEHOG:

-For years, we animals

-have suffered on 5/11.

-CROWD: Yeah!

What's 5/11?

Tonight, we strike back!

-ALL: Yeah!

-What's 5/11?

Animals, are you with me?

-ALL: Yeah!

-No, seriously, what's 5/11?

-Everyone, isn't Marion a great guy?

-Oh, he's brilliant.

We love you! Yeah!

He's so noble and so brave

-and so wise.

-Well, wouldn't say "wise", exactly.

Like, once I fell asleep in the tumble drier.

Ha-ha-ha! Isn't that just, like, the funniest thing you ever heard?

CROWD: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

It is pretty funny. Also, the other day I saw a squirrel eating a bone.

Not a nut, like you would imagine,

but a bone. Ha-ha-ha.

Crazy times.

CROWD: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Marion, this movement needs a hero.

Do you have any idea who that hero might be?

Um....would it by any chance be me?

Friends, our movement has its first willing martyr.

CROWD: Yeah!

Rock and roll! All right! Marion is the best!

-What's a martyr?

-I don't know.

What's A-MARTYR with you?

CROWD: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha-ha.

No, but if I can be serious just for a minute, what is a martyr?

So, the famous calendar. Let's have a...

Dame Helen Mirren, that's fruity stuff!

-You like?

-Yes, I think you're incredibly brave.

Well, it does take a certain strength of spirit to throw oneself into the public eye.

-But I think Destiny can handle it.

-Certainly hope so.

-It's a lot to live up to, being the new Wormelene cover girl.

-What?!

-Oh, my Jesus!

-You're a pioneer. You're like the Holly Johnson

of anal worms...though in a way, of course, Holly Johnson WAS the...

I've been exploited! They lied to me!

So that's how they get dogs to advertise their grubby products!

So for savings and investments, I put my faith in Zurich.

Er, sorry, there's a load of bog roll in shot.

-DIRECTOR:

-Relax, we'll remove it in the edit. Keep rolling.

Well, I think you look lovely.

Yeah, but to everyone else, I look like I've got bum worms. Bum worms!

SHE CRIES

-Degenerate filth!

-What? We weren't doing anything.

You will burn in hell for 1,000 lifetimes for your decadence.

That sounds like the kind of nonsense you've picked up from your new friends.

They are brothers in arms, and we will not rest until we have brought an end to 5/11.

OK, sorry, can you stop calling it 5/11?

-Why?

-We're labouring the reference a bit.

Well, as my former friend,

take this advice -

keep away from the pub tonight.

What? What do you mean? Marion!

Seriously, that is the tastiest rat I've ever had.

I drowned her in orange juice, to give it that sweetness.

-Really

-BLEEP

-works.

-Right.

Vince, I need to get some information,

and you can be a persuasive fellow in your own way.

MUSIC: "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealer's Wheel

Talk, you spiny bastard, or I'll rip your spikes out,

-then hammer them up your arse!

-Oh, God! Oh, no. Please, Vince, no.

Oh, shut up, Nelson. You want information, this is how you get it.

Er...tell you what,

let's try the old good cop/bad cop routine. I'll be the bad cop.

Ah-hem. Sorry I'm late, everyone - alarm didn't go off.

And I forgot my truncheon, again!

Is it lunchtime yet? LAUGHS FOOLISHLY

WHISPERS: You're on.

-Talk, you hibernating

-BLEEP!

Vince, be a good cop. You're sinking to his level.

-Right, what do you want me to ask him?

-I'm not telling you.

-Don't be a twat. What do you want me to ask him?

-Uh-uh.

# ..Clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right... #

What do you want me to ask him?

-I won't say.

-You're too late to stop us, anyway.

We're going to blow up the pub.

What? How?

Cellar's full of alcohol.

One spark down there, the whole place'll go up.

CACKLES

-DESTINY:

-'Every year, Gary drugs me and puts me in the cellar.

'Drugs me and puts me in the cellar.

'Puts me in the cellar.

'It's all flashbacks with you this week, innit?'

I can't let Destiny die. Vince, untie me.

Time to become fire safety warden again.

Again.

What I don't get is what daft bastard would be twat-headed enough to set off the explosion.

So, just to get this absolutely straight,

you're going to insert that firework into my bottom?

You'll be a hero to us all. I envy you.

And you're quite sure we couldn't achieve the same effect with, say, a sparkler?

No. Deep breath, lad.

-THUNK!

-Hey! Oh, la, la, la! Oi.

-Pretty long fuse you got there.

-That's so I can get out of the way safely.

Don't blame you. I wouldn't want that thing going off in my face.

-Whatever.

-Does this look big in my bum?

Ha-ha! Oi.

God! I'm gonna be the face of anal worms, like, for ever!

Because I'm wormy.

DOORBELL

Hello, madam. I am a gas man,

as you can clearly see from my official hat.

-I need to come in to read your meters, please.

-Marion,

why have you got a French banger up your arse?

Ah! You saw through my disguise!

Stupid Marion!

-Can't even explode a pub properly.

-Sorry...

you were going to explode the pub?

Ah, the other guys from the splinter cell will be so disappointed.

Why didn't you just say?

Wipe your feet.

Now, down the cellar, just by the big box of calendars, yeah?

Hmm...

So, that stupid, lame idea gives me a similar but much better idea.

IRISH ACCENT: Sorry... are you talking to me?

Oh, no, just monologuing. Old habits.

-Anyway, I'll probably just outline the rest of my plan in my head.

-You go ahead.

This is probably going to be quite boring, so do you mind filling in?

Gotcha. IRISH JIG MUSIC

WHIZZING AND POPPING

GLASS SMASHES

-SMASH!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Huh?

Marion, for God's sake! You're going to die!

Ah! But then I will wake up in a magical fantasy world filled with virgins.

-You mean Games Workshop?

-I guess.

You want me to pick you up some orc figurines?

-I don't do that any more.

-Really? Cos you still have all your 20-sided dice

-and those little wizard...

-Look, what is this, hmm?

-Some Muslim thing you're doing?

-No. This is nothing to do with religion.

-It's nothing to do with religion?

-No. Nothing to do with religion.

So just to clarify, this is absolutely nothing to do with religion.

It's about politics, Nelson.

But going down a cellar to blow up a building for political ends,

-that's not what Guy Fawkes Night is all about.

-I don't care.

-Nothing can stop me.

-Belt and braces.

-Definitely not about religion?

-BOTH: No!

Oi! Professor Hawking! What's for supper?

Nothing, dickwad. Get your own food.

Oh, dear. Looks like I might be having crippled pigeon, then.

Well, this crippled pigeon comes served on a bed of rocket!

Rocket as in the firework

as well as being a type of salad lea-ea-ea-ea-ea...!

Crazy bitch. Still, I shall certainly miss her batonnets de poulet

avec sauce tomates aux fines herbes,

-and no

-BLEEP

-mistake.

All right, Marion, if you're determined to die,

-then I'm going to stay here and die with you.

-OK.

Actually, I was kind of banking on that line making you change your mind, so...

I mean, no sense in us both dying senselessly.

Anyway...

Yeah, toodle-pip. HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

-GARY:

-In you go, Destiny. Sweet dreams down there.

Horne and Corden! She's been sedated.

AS CAPTAIN FLAME: Now's your chance.

I've got to get her out of here.

Ten, nine, eight...

Oh, God. Destiny, it's the last chance I'll ever get to tell you this, so...

..five...

Call me petty, but the actual phrase is "vice versa". "Vice versa".

It's Latin. "Vice-a versa", which you always say, is meaningless!

Wait, the firework - it's not gone off.

Dermot Murnaghan! We're saved!

A-a-a-a-ah!

Whoa! Did you see that? And the amazing thing is

no-one got hu...

BANG!

Huh. Kind of ironic in its own little way,

us lot...ending up here.

Well, Marion, I just hope you've learnt that terrorists never win.

Except the ANC.

But they had some very valid arguments.

Still, at least it's good news for Destiny.

She won't have to worry about being the "face" of anything

for quite a long time.

THEY LAUGH Fair play,

that is a good one, isn't it, Destiny?

Destiny? Destiny?

LONG, STEADY BEEP

HE GULPS

-Eh, I'll plug it in...

-Get the paddles!

-Right, stand back.

-There's a switch.

-Clear!

-Oh, I'm not putting them on...

-Rub them, man!

Rub them together, I forgot. Clear!

-We're losing her, we're losing her!

-Clear!

-BUZZING

-Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

No, no, no...!

Nelson, it's OK.

You were having the bad dream.

You're right, just a dream, just a dream.

-About something else that actually happened.

-Oh, yeah.

Robert Mugabe, those poor animals!

My friend, you have to get over this.

It was so very, very, very, very, very,

very, very, very long ago.

-Coincidentally, also one year to this day.

-Aaarrrrrggghhhh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

No, seriously, what's 5/11?