Episode 1 Mongrels

DOGS BARK

Grampy. I'm going to sneeze!

No! Look, just hold it.

According to my Big Book Of Knowledge,

if you hold a sneeze,

you can burst a blood vessel in your neck.

Shhh! Be quiet!

Well, if you WILL insist on taking me mushrooming without my anti-histamine...

-Atchoo!

-Run!

DOGS BARK

HORN BLOWS

Nelson, I'll hold him off. Just go.

Just say the first thing that comes into your head.

There's no right or wrong answer.

Leaky pen? Spilt Guinness? A penis?

That's a joke.

-Don't write that down.

-I still get the feeling you're repressing something.

Some traumatic childhood memory, maybe?

Well, nothing springs to mind.

Hang about, there was that time...

Jesus Christ, animals!

-No, it's gone.

-Shall we pick this up next week?

-Yeah.

Psychotherapy?

Bit gay.

No, apparently not. We covered that in the first session.

Tell me, Marion, did you ever see that cognitive-behavioural guy?

Waste of time. He had the cheek to suggest I am severely bipolar!

Ridiculous!

HE LAUGHS

HE SOBS

HE LAUGHS

HE SOBS

-Gary and Tara finally split up!

-What happened?

Well, you know in fairytales,

where the daughter wants to stop her dad marrying the evil stepmother

so she hatches a cunning plan to keep shouting "whore" in the stepmother's face until she leaves?

Whore! Whore! Whore!

Whore! Whore! Whore!

-She's just excited to meet you. She'll get bored eventually.

-'But I never did.'

Whore!

And now, Gary's so depressed he's grown this ratty little beard

and he just lays around in his own filth all day crying. It's hilarious.

So, anyway, he's had to sign me up for this dog-walking service which is amazing

cos it's well expensive

so it's bound to be full of rich pedigree dogs.

OK, bye!

There she goes again.

Truly, a riddle wrapped in a something

hidden inside a something else.

Yes. Yes, she is.

Die, you ginger ladyboy!

Charles Kennedy! Please, take my purse!

There's a Costa loyalty card. You're entitled to a free panini!

If you spend over £4.50 on any food or beverage item.

-Valid until the 12th of November in all participating...

-Nelson, you botter, it's me!

Rory? Oh. Oh, crikey.

-You know this guy?

-Know him? We were at school together.

Come on, do the handshake.

Oh, not sure I remember it.

# Sussex Boys, Sussex Boys Rah, rah, rah

# Left paw, right paw, elbows... #

Hockey stick!

RORY LAUGHS

BOTH: Hoorah!

Yes, it's all coming back to me, now.

Presuming that's your den, I'm going to take a crap on your bed.

-So, yeah, he can stay.

-No, he can't! He made my schooldays hell!

The teachers let him get away with everything.

Sir! Sir! Sir!

-The beagles are smoking.

-Oh, shut up, Nelson.

Why don't you just go and try on make-up with the girls?

Marion, we have to get rid of him.

It is OK. I have the ultimate scheme

to get rid of this horrible bullyboy.

Is that the time?

HE YAWNS

(You're on your own.)

Anyhoo, I actually run my own tour company

and I've got a Harry Potter walk around central London

-departing in approx five mins, so...

-Then, I'll get to the point.

Erm...

Turns out you were right about the cigarettes.

I've got Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease

-and the progno isn't great.

-Oh, God.

MARION YAWNS

Oh, sorry. All that fake yawning got me started.

The badgers are telling me there's no way back. I'm dying, Nelson.

Would anyone mind if I just dozed? Sorry, it's a catnap thing.

That's why I'm here. I need... I need you to kill me.

-You can't be serious.

-It would be an act of mercy.

MARION SNORES

Your mate's a prick, you know that?

Rory, you turn up on my doorstep after God knows how long,

-now, you're asking this?

-Either you do this for me, humanely,

or I end it in your bathroom with a razor blade.

Then, I guess I have no choice. I'll do it.

But on one condition.

Coming up on your left is the Third Hand Book Emporium

as featured in The Prisoner Of Azkaban.

Moving on to your right-hand side, now...

Be honest - it's too long, isn't it? Three and half hours on your feet.

Maybe I should find a nice pub?

-We could stop for a pint of butterbeer!

-Could we get on with it?

Absolutely. Now, pillows.

-Duck, synthetic, or down?

-Just do it!

-Yeah.

Goodnight, Rory.

Goodnight.

-Push harder.

-Hmmm?

-I can still breathe.

Oh, er, gotcha.

-How about now?

-Still breathing.

Now?

Still breathing.

Destiny. And you are?

Oh, me? I'm Kate Thornton's dog. That's Claudia Winkleman's dog.

Miquita Oliver's dog. Fearne Cotton's dog.

Jamie Oliver's wife's dog. Some woman who did the weather on GMTV's dog.

And that's Kris Marshall.

HE SOBS

So, who's YOUR owner?

Erm, Cuba Gooding Jr, actually.

Hollywood's Cuba Gooding Jr?

I'm his London dog. Yeah, Cuba Gooding Jr's London dog.

Wow. What's he like?

Cuba? He's like Marmite. By which I mean he's black and I hate him.

DRIVER: Brake!

Uh-oh. This is his pick-up.

Shush, he's coming. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

-What is it?

-It's John Terry's dog!

# These girls fall like dominoes Dominoes

# These girls fall like dominoes Dominoes

# These girls fall like... #

Roast me!

How about now?

Much...better.

And for the record,

you're currently being smothered with the synthetic pillow.

Rory? Rory?

Leslie Grantham! I killed a man!

Oh! What did I miss?

Oh, no.

Oh, God. No.

I missed the Harry Potter walk, didn't I?

Damn, such a shame(!)

-I need to speak to my therapist. Get an appointment.

-What do I do with the body?

-Bury him. Away from here!

-You are the boss.

Oh, hypoallergenic.

# All I wanna do is bang, bang, bang, bang

# And ching, and take your money

# All I want to do is bang, bang, bang, bang and ching

# Take your mon... #

Oh.

Force field?

Oh, force field. Force field.

Force field. Force field. Force field.

Force field. Force field. Force field.

Oh, hello, there. It's actually glass.

In fact, did you know glass takes over one million years to decompose?

Shattering glass moves at speeds of up to 3,000 miles an hour.

The glass eye was invented in Venice in 1579.

You're so fascinating!

-God, he's fit. What's he like?

-Don't know. We've never dared talk to him.

DRIVER: Speed bump!

All right. Let's find out.

No offence, Cuba Gooding Jr's London dog,

-don't think he'll be interested in you.

-Trust me, Alexa Chung's dog,

-he'll be interested.

-We'll see.

Yes, Yvette Fielding's dog, we will see.

-Should be interesting.

-The woman from The One Show's dog,

stay out of this.

-Don't start on her.

-I will start on who I want, JK Rowling's dog.

DRIVER: Roundabout!

Just watch and learn.

So, tell me, John Terry's dog...

Ugly bitch.

-I've never been turned down before, is that what that was?

-Yeah. Yes, it was.

Right. Good. OK.

Oi, everyone! Cuba Gooding Jr's London dog

just got blown out!

THEY LAUGH

Don't know what you've got to laugh about, Kris Marshall.

He's not laughing at you. It's just something he does. Sadly.

I can still feel the resistance in my hands,

the kicking, the shaking.

It seems to tap into some primal fear you have, Nelson.

A fear of the animal inside, perhaps.

Can you think of any other time when the animal might have escaped?

Boxing Day, 2009.

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day... #

And I just think M&S has forgotten who its real customers are.

Sadly.

Excuse me. I have been up since three!

In fact, no.

HE GROWLS

Tart!

Unfortunately, I don't have any more time.

-I've actually got another patient waiting.

-Ah, yes, yes.

-But next week, we can talk more about these feelings of guilt that you're...

-Kali?

What? No!

Anyhow. Yeah. See you at the bins.

OK, then. Jesus! I cannot believe I share a psychotherapist

with that bed-wetter.

You say that, but he's just killed a man.

-Nelson?

-Oh, there goes the patient confidentiality!

No way!

Now, I asked you to make me a picture

-that summed up your feelings towards your mother.

-Oh.

Wow. Now, that is certainly a very angry-looking vagina.

Thank you.

Then, right, I got turned down by John Terry's dog.

Oh, out of your league, was he?

Boom! Back of the net! Goal!

Early bath. Relegated.

Yellow card. Offside. Sick as a parrot.

The Emirates Stadium. Yeah, I've run out of football things.

God, he was rude. But it's like, I can't stop thinking about him.

You know what my therapist would say? Low self-esteem.

Like me, yeah? I was with this one guy for four years,

but I only stayed with him because I was scared.

Do you mind if I have one of those seeds?

I'm sorry. Please don't hit me!

So, you're saying, if I want John Terry's dog,

I need to work on my positive self-image

so I can finally get to a place where I can stand up and say to myself,

"Hello, world! This is me!"

No, I'm saying you need to treat him like shit.

Oh, good. See, that I can do.

Oh, can I just be the first to say congratulations

and that I admire your work.

Excuse me?

Yeah, Kali told me. Nice one.

Is this about my Eurovision entry? If so, I've only made the long list.

The murder.

Murder? Who, Rory?

-No! No, no, no, it wasn't murder...

-Morning,

-BLEEP.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-BLEEP

-off!

-Vince, Nelson murdered someone.

-Finally!

-For heaven's sake, it wasn't murder!

Ah, your first victim's always a bit special.

Still got mine, as it goes.

See, it was actually an act of mercy.

I knew no-one could be that much of a girly, middle-class pisspants all their life.

But that's just the point, I actually can!

In fact, look - mung beans, yeah? A muffin pan! The Complete Cold Feet!

On Blu-ray!

Jesus Christ, even I think that's a step too far!

If Marion was here, he could explain...

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Almonds are part of the peach family.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

Point is, I didn't murder him!

Shame, almost thought you were cool for a second.

Though I did murder him. Obv.

-Russell Crowe! Talk about beating a confession out of me.

-I'm impressed, Nelson.

I think there's someone who'd like to meet you.

-Catch you later,

-BLEEP!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I said,

-BLEEP

-off!

This psychology book is all I need to win over John Terry's dog.

SHE COUGHS

Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum!

Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum! Scum!

Now, don't EVER make me do that to you again, you naughty boy!

You've got the most amazing eyes.

Oh, do you really think so? That's... Shut up!

-Well, that seemed to work.

-And you weren't going to buy the hardback.

-Where the Bryan Ferry are we?

-Just follow my lead.

Ah, nice to meet you. I'm Agent Silver Fox,

-and I believe you've met Agent

-BLEEP.

-Did you just call me Agent

-BLEEP?

I thought we all agreed that was your codename?

Yeah, yeah, we did. No, you're absolutely right. Sorry.

Please, carry on.

Welcome to the nerve-centre of Operation Beagle Hunter.

We've got a mission for you. We've finally tracked down

the four surviving beagles of the notorious Sussex Hunting Pack.

All you need to do is find them, kill them.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, Rory was a one-off.

Ask Vince. He's your man.

-With the utmost respect to our colleague, Agent

-BLEEP...

-Please.

..he lacks the finesse required for fieldwork. We sent him undercover once.

To a chicken coop.

-I went deep. I went too

-BLEEP

-deep.

'He was a fox who went in search of the truth,

'and found himself.'

CHICKEN CLUCKS

We need you to come back in.

-I can't.

-You can't or you won't?

I don't know who I am any more!

-BLEEP

-me.

Now, the subjects.

Intel had suggested Onions here had fled to the south of France

and was living under the assumed name Oignon,

but we've located him in Arundel just outside of Chichester.

Oh, lovely corner of the world.

-I can't kill him. He's elderly!

-Nelson.

You're too young to remember the worst days of the hunt.

I've read about it. I was just a boy.

We have it on good authority

the Sussex Pack killed your grandfather, Nelson.

They hunted him down like a dog.

Well, like a fox. They're dogs, obviously.

I've got myself in a bit of a muddle but you get my point.

-Grampy?

-Matter of fact, you were there.

You were picked up quarter of a mile from the site in the midst of a sneezing fit.

Oh, God. It's like I'm seeing it in my head all over again,

but in black and white and with me talking over the top of it.

Nelson, for your Grampy,

will you bring these evil bastard beagles to justice?

We'll throw in an iPhone, an expense account

and a £30 British Home Stores gift card.

-Make that John Lewis.

-Debenhams?

-House of Fraser?

-Welcome aboard.

The M25, often thought of as circular,

has a small gap at the Dartford Tunnel.

-It does?

-The M11 has no junctions one, two or three.

-It doesn't?

-There's only recorded instance

of a fatality caused by a flying cat's eye.

-There is?

-(There's no M7.)

-There isn't?

Wow, who knew the highways and byways could be so enchanting?

Now, what was it you wanted?

-Pack a bindle, we're going away.

-Where?

I'll tell you where.

To a little old town I like to call Vengeance.

-Specifically where?

-Arundel, just outside Chichester.

-Lovely part of the world.

Sadly, I cannot leave the fish.

-He's too engrossing.

-I'll come.

Oh, no offence, Kali. I'm particular about my travelling companions.

I once holidayed with Mr Louie Spence.

Ah! Louie, can you help me inflate this lilo?

Hold it! No! No Louie Spence!

I refuse to give that man the oxygen of publicity.

In fairness to Kali, he is something of a penis.

He was available, very keen. I'll tell him we didn't have time.

Let me come. I did project manage the first degree homicide of Harry Hill,

which I brought in on time and under budget.

You know, I completely forget about that. You're in.

Guys, someone I want you to meet.

My lovely new boyfriend!

-Hi, guys.

-Shut up! You'll speak when I tell you to speak!

-Speak!

-You are so amazing.

-Shut up!

But yeah, we're very much in love, aren't we?

-Speak again!

-Yeah...

-Shut up again! Bless.

Well, happy for you both.

Any road, Kali, we should probably be off.

Now, tell me something about yourself.

Though it is commonly believed that the goldfish has a memory span of just three seconds,

this is, in fact, a myth.

-It is?

-Is what? Where am I?

-Force field. Force field. Force field.

-No!

All your lovely wisdom is gone!

OK, I will teach you.

I will make you wise again.

-Oh, good. Who are you?

-Marion.

-Ah, yes. Who are you?

-Marion.

-Of course. Who are you?

-Marion.

-Ah, yes.

Wonder if it is too late to get involved in another storyline.

-Murray Mint?

-I'm OK.

Actually, I will have a Murray Mint.

I've been thinking, I might go on a little killing spree myself.

I came up with a serial killer gimmick and everything,

something to make me stand out.

Let's hear it.

The Vampire Rapist!

What it is is, I go around raping vampires.

-Yeah, I think you're going to find that tricky to sustain.

-OK, no. Good feedback. Yeah.

The Lesbian Vampire Killer Killer!

I go round killing everyone who liked the film

Lesbian Vampire Killers.

Again, once you've killed James Corden,

and I'm not saying don't, then you're going to...

Him!

HE COUGHS

Sorry to bother. I'm Nelson and I'm a freelance assassin

working on behalf of Operation Beagle Hunter.

-This is my intern, Kali.

-Easy, bruv.

We're here today to kill you

for atrocities committed during the hunts of the early 2000s.

I have a range of pillows. Throw, travel, lumbar support...

Don't hurt me, please!

I was just as much a victim of the hunts as you.

I was only following huntsman's orders!

-I never thought of it like that.

-You could have said no.

No. What would've happened to us?

Probably smacked with a rolled-up newspaper.

You're quite right. We could've said no.

Then, prepare to die, you bastard. This one's for Grampy!

I'm a grandfather.

Will you find my grandchildren, tell them I was thinking of them

-the day you brutally murdered me in cold blood?

-Yeah, what are their names?

Kali, go to Costa.

-I don't want you to see what I'm about to do.

-Oh!

Loyalty card.

OK, here's the deal. You... One second.

Get a receipt. And remember,

our per diem is £3 for lunch, £5 for dinner,

so do not go overboard re ciabatta slash Kettle Chips,

-so on and so forth! Kali?

-I heard!

No need to be like that!

Sorry, here's the deal.

I'm going to make an exception for you and only you.

Run away, never come back.

Where will I go? I'll starve!

There's a pub in Millwall -

Westferry Road. Behind the pub, there's a shed.

Under the shed, there's a den.

I'll be back once I have brutally assassinated the others.

THEY CHATTER

OK, just simmer down.

Now, I know you've got a lot of catching up to do.

Sorry, Nelson. It's just, getting the old pack back together again.

Kind of a thrill.

You've got to stay quiet. They can't find out I'm harbouring you.

Understood, Herr Nelson.

Now, do make yourselves comfortable.

MUSIC: The German National Anthem

Oh, look, you have.

-You two? Together?

-Yeah, build a bridge, get over it,

Hannah from S Club, now in Primeval's dog.

And if you want to know how to get any guy you want,

-I can tell you.

-Serious?

-Uh-huh.

# Listen to my pearls of wisdom, girls

# If you wanna get a man and keep him

# When he doesn't show compliance Just apply a bit of violence

# If he's bad then he gets a beating

# There's no point complaining

# It's just a re-training

# He's got to learn discipline Or I'll put the boot in

# If he's going, "Yap, yap, yap" Just give him a little tap

# Can't bite back like that And not expect a little tap

-# Just a little tap on the nose

-Just a little tap, just a little tap

# When I raise my hand it's cos it's all they understand

# Men like a bit of tough loving

# RSPCA don't care if he falls down the stairs

# Long as nobody witnessed the shoving

# It's not my fault

# He's got to be taught

# And it's not assault

# If you don't get caught

# If he's barking like that Just give him a little tap

# Can't act like a twat and not expect a little tap

# Just a little tap on the nose

# Just a little tap Just a little tap

# There's every excuse for domestic abuse

# Just always choose

# Where you hide the bruise

# If he's giving it all that Just give him a little tap

# Grab your baseball bat and he'll expect a little tap

-# Just a little tap on the nose

-Just a little tap, just a little tap

# Just a little tap on the nose. #

Have to hand it to you, Cuba Gooding Jr's London dog.

-It works. Doesn't it, Jenson Button's dog?

-Yes.

You've all got celebrity boyfriends and all thanks to me.

What happened to those poor dogs?

No, he walked into a lamppost. Didn't you, John Terry's dog?

Walk into a lamppost!

Can I have the number for the Dog's Trust, please?

Ah, well, girls. Fun while it lasted.

Loser bitch.

God. Guess I finally got my comeuppance

for all that spousal abuse.

Still, no use moping!

Bye! Ha-ha!

At long last, the deaths of our people have been avenged.

And all thanks to you, Agent Fogle.

Oh, it was nothing.

-Agent

-BLEEP,

-the gift card?

-Very kind.

We're throwing a soiree in your honour tonight.

You'll be giving a motivational talk

in front of an audience of 300 under-privileged fox cubs.

Captain Chesley Burnett "Sully" Sullenberger III, I can't do that!

This is your life now, Agent Fogle. The life of a hero.

-In other words, don't be an ungrateful

-BLEEP.

-Right.

Fact - cows sleep with one eye open.

-Got it.

-Hang on, whales sleep with one eye open.

Or maybe it's crows.

-One of them sleeps with one eye open.

-Right.

-Or possibly two.

-Right.

-Fact!

The toothbrush was invented in...

Well, I can't quite put my finger on the exact year

but it was somewhere between the third

-and the 18th century.

-OK.

-Fact!

I mean, the touch-screen functionality isn't ideal

with the old fur and claws but it's still a nice bit of tech.

Just been fiddling around with the ringtones.

Tell me, have they rectified the antenna problem that blighted its UK launch?

-Actually, Onions, yes, they have.

-Das ist gut.

Now, popping to this party. Promise me you'll stay hidden?

Just go. Have fun, yeah?

You know, odd as this may be, fox and hounds living together,

I've got a feeling everything's going to work out A-OK!

BUGLE RINGTONE SOUNDS

That'll be Vince. Let it ring, he can wait.

ALL: Kill fox! Must kill fox!

The ringtone! Oh, cripes.

Answer! Answer!

ALL: Kill fox! Kill fox!

It's just ringing.

We can't keep the kiddies waiting.

We'll just have to set off the fireworks without him.

ALL: Kill fox! Kill fox!

-Huh?

-They're coming!

-The foxes - they are shelling our bunker!

I think you'll find they're fireworks.

We cannot fall into enemy hands!

Beagles, suicide pills! Schnell.

Alan Turing! Such senseless death!

When we will realise that the blood we spill today

cannot erase the blood we spilt yesterday?

-Nothing! Nothing can be worth this!

-More of them?

My, God, you're good.

-Agent

-BLEEP,

-the Argos vouchers.

And yes, five beagles, four of whom were perfectly healthy,

have died directly or indirectly at my hand in the past 48 hours.

At least I got an iPhone out of it.

It would seem some of the facts I have been spouting

have been somewhat erroneous.

Such as?

According to National Geographic,

it is in fact the antelope and not the goldfish

that is capable of breathing on dry land.

Aie! Oh, well.

-How does he taste?

-He tastes interesting.

THEY LAUGH

He does NOT taste interesting.

Destiny? No dog-walking service today?

Gary cancelled it. Suits me. Bored of it, anyway.

Hang about, what's that slag doing? No!

Gary! Whore! Whore!

Whore! Whore!

Whore! Whore! Whore!

Whore! Whore! Whore!

Whore! Whore! Whore! Whore! Whore!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]