Episode 2 Mongrels

Phwooooooar. Let's have a grope.

Cooooooooor. Nice tail!

Ah, serious, Gary, you HAVE to bring me out

when I'm on heat more often because this is a right laugh!

Hello, darling. I'd like to do you up the wrong 'un.

OK. Getting creepy now.

Hurry up, then, Gary - come on, quick-quick.

BANG

-Sniff my bum.

-Oh! They're coming...

Oi! Shoo! Get off there.

Heel!

GARY!

It's OK! I know what to do!

BARKING

What's that? Someone's been hurt?

No, you dick, I said I NEED A LIFT HOME.

Forget it.

..these dogs were leering over me, then I thought I'd lost them,

then some other stuff happened then I had to walk ALL THE WAY HOME!

Errr. Can I just ask where's Gary?

-Gary?

-You know your owner. About five-nine? Short hair?

Takes you on walks? Drives a Corsa? Votes UKIP? No? Big Maroon 5 fan?

-Bought The Wire, never watched it, pretends he has?

-Bit of a knob.

Oh, Gary! Sadly, he's...he's dead.

And I'm totally devastated but the way I look at it is...

Oooooh! A SQUIRREL! A SQUIRREL! A SQUIRREL!

Oh, bitterest of ironies.

That the landlord of a pub should die by falling out of a car park!

Out of a car park, of all places!

Marion. You do understand the true meaning of irony?

Of course I understand the true meaning.

I do NOT understand the true meaning of irony.

Anyway, we should get going.

Cos, er, the meal's booked for eight.

-Meal?

-My birthday thing.

Ah. Can't do tonight. Unfortunately. Ben Fogle's Extreme Dreams.

Afraid I can't come either, I've not been paid this month.

I don't get paid any month. I don't have a job, though I DO have a lot of interviews lined up.

If the phone rings, could you say you're the assistant manager of B&Q?

Ah, come on! We haven't been out together for ages.

Not since we all went to that charming Kosovan place.

We're looking for a Wetherspoon's!

Fine. Celebrate on my own, then. What - do you think I care?

Cos I don't. I don't care. Who round here thinks I care?

eah, exactly. No-one, that's who thinks I care.

Because I don't care. Couldn't. Care. Less.

TEARFULLY: See you in a bit, yeah?

Destiny, you shouldn't be alone tonight.

How about you sleep at mine?

We could stay up late, swap Gary stories, hit the Horlicks?

As tempting as that sounds, I'm going to say a big fat... NO! MY GOD!

Bitch on heat!

I've got a bone for you!

George A Romero! Run!

Such a drag when everyone wants sex with you all the time!

Out of interest, when did this season start? Precisely?

About half five.

Right. OK.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Just making little note to self re, er... groceries.

-He is updating his detailed record of your ovulation cycles.

-What?! No, I'm not, Marion!

-You enter all the dates into an Excel spreadsheet.

-No! That is...!

-I mean, as if!

-Also you made that wallchart. Which I happen to have right here.

Fine! So I keep tabs! Well, excuse me for being a caring friend!

-Pervert.

-Thanks, Marion.

No problems! Now come, let us enjoy being back inside!

Haven't been indoors since I shared that flat with a werewolf, a vampire and a ghost.

You know something this would make a great TV show!

Well, not a "great" TV show, but perfectly watchable

in a kind of low-rent True Blood kind of way.

I'll get my bindle.

Yes, the great indoors!

The stale, fetid air, the feel of cheap carpet tiling underfoot!

And where in all of nature could you find something as beautiful as this?

Do you know even what that is?

I can only assume it's some kind of sonic-driven ghost-capturing device.

Karaoke machine, Marion.

Ahhh. How beguiling!

This is my chance! Trapped, inside, with Destiny!

Nelson. Go get the girl.

I will guard the door, keep the dogs at bay.

Obliged! Now, what are we today, the 29th?

MUSIC: "Ghost Town" by the Specials

Who cares about them bumbaclaarts anyway? They're not real mates.

-At least I came.

-Yeah. Though technically, you are the buffet.

No, you're quite right. Please, have seconds.

No point me going to waste.

-Oh, watch out.

-It's cool. He'll go round.

I don't think he's going round.

-He'll go round.

-He's not.

He'll go round... HE'S NOT GOING ROUND!!

You killed my buffet, you stupid prick!

Pinch and punch, first of the month. BLEEP!

So what you up to?

Just guarding the door. We're kind of under siege.

God, been a while since I was under siege!

Tell a lie summer of 2010.

So, Paul, let me get this straight I go mental, shoot some people,

end up surrounded by armed police in the middle of a field

and you think, "I know, I'll take him down a fishing rod

"and a piece of BLEEP fried chicken!"

GUNSHOT

Oops. Another one for the charge sheet!

So, we're all trapped in here until Destiny is off heat again.

That's what you think.

See, there's actually an incredibly simple solution to all this.

Let's have it, you BLEEP...

Oh, bracing! That's set me up for the day, that has.

See you anon.

You know, I always wondered what'd happen

if you and I were to take over this place, run it together,

maybe turn it into a gastropub...

In summary, we get a visit from the Department of Environmental Health.

-You can't have a fox running a kitchen. It's absolute lunacy...

-It's broken!

-What is?

-This. It's where the food comes from! It won't work!

Oh, my cheesecakes, you've gone grief-mental!

Gary, you dick, why did you have to die the EXACT same day the bowl stops working!

Destiny. Food comes from tins.

You take it from the tin, and put it into the bowl. Watch.

You fixed it!

Now, any idea how you put new batteries in this thing?

Again, not batteries. You simply...

Simon Pegg!

Nick Frost!

# Cos I'm having a good time Having a good time

# I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky like a tiger

# Defying the laws of gravity

# I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva

# I'm gonna go, go, go There's no stopping me

# I'm burning through the sky, yeah

# 200 degrees, that's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit... #

It's exhausting.

It's like, OK, we get it, you went to film school.

Actually giving me a headache. I just want to sit here and have an Anadin.

Stop it! For God's sake, just stop it!

Now, I believe we were...

# Don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time

# I'm having a ball... #

So anyways, muggins here, enjoying her birthday meal,

what happens, some guy on this mad,

fruity rickshaw drives right at me, nearly runs me over.

Kali. Not a good time. Bit busy.

I mean seriously, if I'd caught up with him...

In fact, good job I didn't,

because you know legally my beak is classed as a deadly weapon...

For God's sake, either do something about it or let it go

but do NOT just sit there in the middle

of what is an important zombie-style siege,

moaning about what in real terms constitutes a minor piece of traffic discourtesy!

OK. You want to see me do something?

I will do something. And I'll invite you to see me doing it.

And you'll see me do something.

Fine. Now if you'll excuse me, I have got a lot of violent dogs to... Oh.

We've won this time. But they'll be back. I assume.

I mean, I don't know that for definite. Total speculation on my part.

Ignore me. They're probably not coming back. Forget I mentioned it. Please. I'm an idiot.

Well, thanks for the heads-up, Marion.

My pleasure.

OK. Bit of fun. What do you do for a doggy treat?

I do sit, stay, beg, left paw, right paw, heel,

wiggle ears that's double. I do crawl, take a bow, on your lap no touching.

I do leave it, take it, salute the flag, or, if you want, we can just talk.

Sounds rather nice...

So, yeah, that's the full and explosive story of how I came to be involved in the Sealed Knot.

Fascinating.

We're actually doing the Battle of Naseby on the 19th if you fancy it.

Did you want to put your head in my lap?

OK, then!

Ahem.

Oh. Now.

Have I ever told you about my work with the Tolkien Society...?

Eine kleine karaoke partei! Das is super gut idea!

20,000 songs at my fingertips. By artists from 1930 to present day.

Everything from folk and progressive rock to skiffle and world music.

Truly, I am limited only by the breadth and scope of my own imagination!

So what have you chosen?

Celebration by Kool & The Gang!

Interesting choice, man!

Course, I like a bit of singing meself.

Voice of an angel, my old nan used to say.

But, you don't want some old twat like me about, do ya?

See myself out.

Vince, maybe you could do one quick...

# I'm a firestarter! Twisted firestarter!

-# You're the firestarter!

-BLEEP

-firestarter...

D14, I Will Survive. How did I miss that? Tim, write that down.

-#

-BLEEP

-firestarter!

I will have my revenge, rickshaw man. See I've lured him out here with the promise of a bogus fare,

then while he's been in the chippy,

-I've left a little surprise on his rickshaw.

-This better be worth it.

Trust me, it'll be up there with my campaign of biological warfare

against the UK establishment!

What the hell is that?

We call it impetigo, my exuberant hairless friend.

And that's for saying I can't or won't cook.

Nelson, baby, open this for me?

Baby?!

We're an item.

Turns out I was right all along I'm Richard De Vere

and she's my Audrey fforbes-Hamilton!

To The Manor Born - hit series in the late 1970s, early 1980s,

available on DVD with a commentary by Peter Bowles, I believe...

-Open the food.

-Angel, you know how this works. You have to earn it.

What do you want?

How about you...wag your little tail for me there?

Oh. Good. Good girl.

Oh, get a room!

Look, she's very literally bitten the hand that feeds her! Whimsical.

Nelson, you prick, she's taking you for a ride.

-She's using you for the food.

-What?

He's coming back!

You crapped on his seat? Well, I guess that makes you all square.

Wait for it!

EXPLOSION

Anthea Turner!

It worked! Ha-ha! In your FACE, rickshaw man!

Brrap-brrap, you got RINSED!

-CHILD:

-Mummy! Come quickly! Daddy's hurt!

Ha. Ha-ha-ha. He had a kid!

Brap brapp... Oh, God.

THEY ALL CRY

Now. Before we commence the spooning a little present.

I love it!

You and me. It is real, isn't it?

I'm not just someone who feeds you and gives you treats?

Sweetie, of course it's real!

-Kiss me.

-You know the rules - not on the mouth.

But there is one thing I want.

And I'll do anything for it. Even...even roll over!

Go on.

-A walkie. Because those dogs'll be gone by morning and then...

-About that.

According to the Wiki page on "canine reproductive cycles"

your little season there lasts approx 21 days.

It's a well-informed entry. I'm not just saying that because I wrote it.

We're stuck in here for three weeks?

I can't go THREE WEEKS without a walk!

Relax, I know how you canines feel about your walkies.

Mandela's dog was just the same.

Oh. Here he is, the big "I am". Where the hell have you been?

MANDELA: Milo, my friend, I have been on the Long Walk to Freedom!

You've been on a LONG WALK?!

GROWLING

But look on the bright side more time together in our little love nest!

Ugh, there is no-one in the world having a worse time than me right now.

A-woooo!

# Oh, why am I here?

# In this pub garden?

# One sniff of her

# And I've lost control

# I'm not the bad guy

# I am the victim

# Intoxicated

# By her pheromones

# Why does she make me

# Act like a zombie?

# I don't even like her

# And I never have

# Oh, what a cliche

# Besieging a building

# And all for some sex with

# A pedigree chav

# Die, evil zombies!

# But I'm not a zombie, I'm quite clearly alive!

# Die, evil zombies!

# I'm just a romantic with a monster sex drive

# Who just wants your love, but who'd like to survive!

# Now they've killed Derek

# He was my best friend

# They used his own arm

# To beat him to death

# A father of two

# And a charity worker

# He said he loved you

# With his dying breath

# Die, evil zombies!

# You say that I'm evil?

# You're the one hitting me!

# Die, evil zombies!

# Take my hand, feel my pulse

# And I wish you'd agree

# There's a place in your heart for a camp amputee!

# Come on, everybody, let's do the zombie

# Adopt a vacant look and lift up your paws

# Now you're reinforcing a stereotype

# This dancing idea is fundamentally flawed

# Die, evil zombies!

# In hindsight, our relationship was doomed from the start

# Die, evil zombies!

# I don't want your brains, I just wanted your heart

# But love has quite literally torn me apart. #

Ah, I wish this zombie-style siege could last forever!

-Treat.

-Oh, sorry, baby, looks like you'll have to go without.

-Get out!

-Excuse me?

-Get out!

-But, Destiny...

-Get out!

-Oh, I see, I see.

Well, if you're going to treat me like an owner,

I'll treat you like a dog. Stay in here and shut up!

If I gave you a barley sugar and an old 5p,

-would you wag your...

-Get out!

-# We will, we will

-BLEEP

-you!

-# We will, we will

-BLEEP

-you! #

Eight hours and 19 minutes later, it seems only fair to conclude

that what we have on our hands is a karaoke hog.

Ah, filthy dirty karaoke swine.

So, I'll just sit Wincent down and explain we'd like him to leave.

Wincent, there is something I need to talk to you about.

-I tell you who else I'd like to

-BLEEP

-and then eat, yeah.

That Cassandra from Only Fools And Horses.

Call me Rodney, you dirty bitch.

Ah, Wincent, you are a funny guy.

What do you mean, I'm funny?

How am I funny? Funny how?

No, it's just you're funny.

-What, I amuse you? Funny how? How the

-BLEEP

-am I funny?

What do you mean, I'm funny?

-What, I'm funny like a

-BLEEP?

-Actually, Vince, the line is "funny like a clown".

-He's right. Technically, there's nothing funny about

-BLEEP.

Two words - Jimmy...Carr.

Fair point.

Oi, maestro! E29!

OK, it is clear there is only one sensible way to get Wincent

out of our karaoke party.

And that way is to assassinate Wincent.

# See that girl

# Watch that scene

-# Digging the dancing

-BLEEP.

-#

Oh, God!

Hm? What are you doing in there?

Seven. Seven years old.

Growing up without a daddy. Why?

Because I blew up a man over a minor breach of unwritten road etiquette.

Kali, you have to put it behind you.

And it wasn't exactly the biggest overreaction in the world.

Flying time is approximately five hours and 12 minutes.

The in-flight movie is Big Momma's House!

Right, that's it. Nobody move!

He's got a bomb!

Service of remembrance tomorrow. You should go, pay your respects.

Maybe. If I'm still alive.

SCREAMING

Destiny!

Yeah. You go.

I'm just going to stay right here and drink myself to death.

I don't suppose you've got a bendy straw.

SOBBING: One of the dogs got in and he mounted me

like I was a wall bracket and he...he left.

Are you OK? Do you feel unclean? Do you want to crouch naked in the shower,

whilst sobbing uncontrollably, because I know that made me feel a heck of a lot better when Vince...

Kali killed a man, so, that's news.

You have to get me to a vet. Morning-after pill - now!

Ah! Say it, then.

Er...walkies?

Oh, take me...for a walk.

# Where is love?

# Does it fall from skies above?

# Is it underneath the willow tree...? #

-Is it just me or has he stopped

-BLEEP

-swearing?

Marion! The weirdest thing's just happened.

See, there's something you should know about me.

It's going to come as a bit of a shock, mate.

I suffer from something known as Tourette's Syndrome.

No, really?!

You hide it so well(!)

Yeah, had it all my life, as it goes.

Pretty sure it cost me that BBC One pre-watershed spin-off show.

-APPLAUSE

-Mr Vincent, Mr Vincent, there's been an accident.

-Calm down, Colin. Whatever it is, we can fix it.

-I ordered too much lemonade for the vending machine.

-You what?! You absolute...

-'Clockwinder.'

-In all my years of working in this...

-'Monkey-farming.'

-..place,

-I've never known such a pain in the...

-'Neck.'

'For Frank's sake!'

-You complete and utter...

-'Cheeky, cheeky, cheeky.'

-..grade A...

-'Clump.'

But when I sing show tunes, I don't swear no more.

-Whoa!

-And I'd like to dedicate this next song to you.

It's from Cats, a musical about cats, because...you're a cat.

Oh, my crapfathers. I'm going to cry!

If I mask your scent with this eucalyptus spray, we should be OK.

GROWLING

David Mitchell, they're everywhere! Everywhere you look!

To the extent that I genuinely wouldn't care if I him saw ever, ever again.

I mean, I've got a lot of time for the guy as it goes, but crikey,

other TV show panellists are available.

Nelson! Less talking, more walking!

Balls!

THEY GROWL

God, this is all Gary's fault! Selfish dead bastard!

Dave! Ambulance, now!

THEY GROWL

DISTANT SINGING

-What is that sound?

-Dunno, but it's beautiful.

It's like I've stopped feeling sexually violent

and started feeling all wistful.

Run!

Ah, David, hi. I was just saying

how I could do with...seeing more of you. Anyhoo, love to Robert, bye!

What kind of deity would let such a doting father die

in such a seemingly random act of terror?

-SHE SOBS:

-Why didn't I think this one through?!

Wha-ha-hy?!

We may never understand how someone could do such a callous thing

to such a gentle soul.

Oh, that's right, vicar!

Spoon it on!

Perhaps, in time, we will find it in ourselves to forgive

whoever perpetrated this senseless act of barbarism.

OK! You want to know who it was? Me!

I killed him! So, do what you want.

Because I deserve it.

It's Gavin. He's OK. He's watching us and he's telling us he's OK.

What?!

He's telling us he's OK.

I made you happy?!

Everything's going to be OK!

-Now, which way's home?

-Oh, it's going.

Bye-bye, Daddy, I love...

Ow! Daddy hit me in the eye, Daddy hit me in the eye!

-DISTANT SINGING

-# I wore my coat

# With golden lining

# Ah-ah

# Bright colours shining

# Ah-ah

# Wonderful and new... #

I'd like to invite someone to sing with me now,

without whom this karaoke party would not have happened.

Ladies and gentlemen, Marion!

-Huh?

-Sing it!

Sing it for all of us!

# A crash of drums

# A flash of light

# My golden coat flew out of sight... #

Was is das smell?

Oh, scheisse!

MARION HOLDS LONG NOTE

Oh.

Did you just call Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Sir Tim Rice

-a pair of platinum-selling, New Year's Honours list

-BLEEP?

I didn't say a word!

Gah!

It's so nice, being out, catching up on stuff!

Oh, my days!

Apparently, Goldie broke up with Bandit, yeah,

cos Lady told her about him banging Misty on the dog walk,

but then Misty told Bandit it was Lady who told Goldie.

Bandit called Lady a slag in front of Sailor, who's Lady's boyfriend.

Then Bandit and Sailor had this ruck at the bus station

and Misty ran away crying, then someone called the RSPCA.

SHE SNIFFS Then they all got put down.

Anyhoo, let's get a wriggle on.

I've made an appointment with the veterinary nurse at 4:15.

Don't. I didn't really get mounted, I made it up so you'd walk me.

You pretended you'd been sexually assaulted?!

Just so you'd get a walkies?

Yeah.

Bloody hell, Destiny, that's a breach of my trust!

Worst of all, it casts a pall of doubt over genuine victims

who do have the bravery to come forward.

You're right, I've gone too far this time, Nelson. But, in my defence...

Another squirrel!

SIREN BLARES

-THUD

-What was that?

Just a speed bump.

-THUD

-Oh, and that one was a dog.

So, you see, Marion, the irony of it is,

just as Destiny finally got her beloved walkies,

-she got flattened by Gary's ambulance.

-Ah, yes.

Thanks to the misfortunate sequence of events,

I have at last come to appreciate the true meaning of irony.

I am literally no closer to appreciating the true meaning of irony.

Which in itself is pretty ironic.

Or is it?

-How was the funeral?

-I masqueraded as a dead man, partially blinded a child

and caused a clergyman to question his faith.

-And the buffet?

-Was adequate.

Ah, Destiny. You and me, eh?

We might've gone through the old relationship wringer,

but we're still mates. No harm done.

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