Episode 4 Mongrels

This programme contains very strong language

# I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes. #

BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP.

BLEEP!

Sorry, were you calling me?

Yes. I've overslept!

-You were supposed to wake me up!

-Relax.

It's only 6am.

-You what?

-I changed your alarm clock.

Bit of a wedding morning prank.

Oh.

That's a relief.

A prank on me wedding day, very funny!

THUMP!

Marion!

He didn't go for the jokey Hugh Grant reference.

You'll have to get the LA prostitute out of the wedding car.

Actually.

# La la la la La la la la la

# La la la la laaaa. #

OK, gang. Bestie man here!

Quick announcement. I hope you all checked the seating plan.

Spent a lot of time picking the funny names for the tables.

Bell-end!

Also. There's been a bit of the old C-O-C-K up, re caterers.

Dinner's running about 30 minutes late.

So the bride and groom have said if you are peckish, feel free to,

er, eat some of the smaller guests.

So, yeah, have fun.

Vincent, come and meet Uncle George, he's travelled down from Edinburgh.

Coming, poops!

Hi, gang. Having fun?

I would like to complain.

We have been sat next to the toilet.

Marion, the toilets are outside.

I would like to complain.

We have been sat next to where I have been going to the toilet.

And this menu is taking the piss.

Smoked salmon to start, bit route one, but fine.

Main course, though - pigeon?

All I'm saying is

making a pigeon eat pigeon is culturally insensitive.

There's always the goat's cheese tart.

Nah, I'm good, I'm just saying.

Anyway, Nelson, if you did the table plan,

how come you stuck me with the freaks,

Tim, Nobby and that stupid sheep what talks like Laurence Fishburne?

I happen to be a lamb, madam.

And I talk like Morgan goddamn FREEMAN!

Destiny, there's a perfectly good reason you're all sat here.

This is the singles table.

Singles table?!

-Nelson, I am not single, you clown's foreskin!

-You're not?

Of course I've got a boyfriend.

GOD! In fact, tell you what, actually, yeah, no, actually,

I'm going to go call him now. Bring him down here.

Single's table?

KNOB!

So how you feeling about the big best man speech?

Ooh, excited, actually!

15 minutes of solid gold. Trust me, it's going to be an absolute hoot.

Outside now.

I mean, honestly!

Hey, calm down, guy.

We have all had a little ze drinking.

Larry Fishburne sounds nothing like me.

He's all, "Hey, I'm Morpheus."

I'm all, "Hey, I'm Mandela."

Ja, they are kind of the same.

Son of a bitch!

If it's about the disco, rest ye easy.

iPod all loaded up with both Mumford and with Son.

It's about your speech, Nelson. Better be funny.

It's electric, trust me. Did I let you down with the stag do?

Yes, you very much did.

Ooh, isn't this fun?

And anything we paint, we get to keep!

Thanks for the mug, BTW.

I love Penny with all my heart.

And I do NOT want her family thinking badly of me.

-Lovely service

-BLEEP.

Bless you, my child.

Which means, on pain of death,

I do not want you telling stories

that involve me doing anything vulgar,

or killing anything, or using coarse language of any kind.

That's out. That's out.

That's definitely out.

That's OK... No, it's not.

Pete Townshend!

That's out. That's out.

Oh, how did THAT get in there?

I'm quite serious. I don't know how that got in there.

That's out, that's out. And that's out!

So. Let's hear the speech from the top!

Here goes.

"Ladies and gentleman...

"the bride and groom!"

Pithy. I like it.

I've got no speech! What am I going to do?

Hold up.

That's my cousin Warren!

Warren, served on buttered leeks with lightly salted bacon!

Suppose I could always eat round him.

Think, think, think. I need material on Vince.

And it has to be clean.

You could talk about what a great dad he is.

Not sure he'd appreciate me bringing up his weekend access visits.

Sharon, it's Vince.

Where's this kiddie, then? Yes, I'm at Membury Services...

Eastbound...

Oh, you daft bint.

All right, kiddo, I'm coming to get ya!

Actually, is there a Little Chef on that side?

-No.

-You come here, then.

Come on, come to Daddy.

That's it.

Come on, come on, boy.

SPLAT!

Sharon, it's Vince.

Good news. You can dip into that college fund you started, yeah.

Any other Vince stories? Any at all?

He's coming, my plus one! Yeah, he'll be here in a bit.

What's his name, then? This amazing new boyfriend.

Oh. He's called, um...

-Salt. Salty. Salty Pepper.

-Oh, right.

No, fair play, for a minute I thought you'd made him up.

So, Nelson, we'll want to be on a normal table,

not stranded here with you sad, single, lonely bastards.

-Stranded! Yes, that'd make a perfect best man speech!

-What would?

The amusing and mysterious tale of mine and Vince's time...

on the island...

I was out for one of my bi-monthly orienteering trips,

when I first saw...

the island.

HORNS HONK

Benjamin Fogle! I'm a castaway!

'I was stranded.

'Luckily for me, I'd packed the essentials,

'but disaster struck.'

Nooooo!

'I knew that aside from food, shelter,

'and the lack of a decent anti-frizz serum,

'the most important thing was to keep my mind active.

'Loneliness can send a man mad.'

Hello, is that The Wright Stuff?

I have some banal and reactionary views

on whatever it is Matthew and co are discussing, and...

Yes, I will hold.

'But I was not alone.'

"Dykunt?" What is that, Flemish?

Oh, I see, it's meant to say.

-Die!

-BLEEP!

You can't eat me, Vince! I'm your friend!

And, yes, you're a wild, savage beast,

but the thing I've always admired about you,

the contradiction at the very heart of your character,

is that, nevertheless, you abide by your own very strong moral code!

-No I

-BLEEP

-don't.

-Don't you? Oh, dear.

-Change of tack. If you eat me, there goes the banter.

-I hate banter.

Just cos I'm a manic-depressive with a criminal record,

-don't make me Stephen Fry.

-Touche, milord!

Thought I'd cook you alive, as it goes. Keeps the meat moist.

-I learnt that off Hugh

-BLEEP

-Whittingstall.

Fernley, Vince. It's Fernley.

And I think you knew that.

Please, don't eat me!

I'll do anything, I'll beg, I'll pay you!

-I'll use my innate sense of interior design to spruce this place up.

-Oh?

Ta-da!

So what do we think?

Oh, also, had some materials left over.

So I made you a hat.

-BLEEP

-me, that's jaunty!

That is jaunty.

-That is very

-BLEEP

-jaunty.

All right, you Swiss Family knobhead, you can live.

Now make me a waistcoat.

'I was saved!

'We soon settled into a cosy little routine.'

This is nice, isn't it, Vince? Vince?

Nah, I was just thinking, I need to get off this sodding island.

Oh.

Oh, yes, of course.

What? What is it?

Come on, I can smell your menopause from here.

No, I just thought we had something special going on here.

It's a shithole traffic island, Nelson.

I want to get back to civilisation.

Bins, fag ends, dog turds.

You know, the simple life.

Plus I need sex.

Well, and this may be the moonlight talking...

What?

It's our island.

We could do anything we want.

What are you talking about?

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Well, you know what they say, Nelson.

What goes on on the island, stays on the island.

Actually, that story's not as appropriate as I thought.

-What happened, what happened?

-Yeah, Nelson, what happened?

Oh, uh, in the end, Vince threw a rock at a motorcyclist,

caused a multiple pile-up, shut the ring road and we walked home.

No, but what about the multiple pile-up on YOUR ring road?

Brap, brap, brap! Jokes! Innit, though. Do you get me, bruv?

Ha ha. Not entirely sure that I do.

Yeah, you're right, sounded rude, actually meaningless.

You were right not to get me.

Sometimes I feel like nobody gets me.

My turn! I got a good Vince story for your speech!

Well...

I was 16. I had just moved to Forks,

a small town near the Washington coast,

to live with my father Charlie after my mother remarried.

Also, I was a virgin.

Is this the plot to Twilight?

No.

Vince was also at this school but he was different from the other kids.

Little did I realise...

he was a vampire.

Oh, no, wait. Yes. No. Yeah.

Oh, wait. Yes, it is the plot to Twilight.

Think you've misunderstood the brief there, Marion.

I need stories about Vince that happened.

Ah! H'OK, how about when Vince disappeared in 1989,

then 20 years later, I shrunk myself really tiny

and went inside a computer

that was full of tiny little people

and Michael Sheen was there and he was rubbish?

-That's Tron: Legacy.

-That was a film?

No wonder Hollywood's in terminal decline.

Oi, Freeman, pass the salt.

Only God can judge me.

Though cannibalism is illegal,

so I guess technically a judge could judge me.

Oh, is that cranberry sauce?

Hang about. Destiny, didn't Vince help you out

that time Gary's missus was poorly?

Yeah, that's an uplifting story.

See, Marion, this is what the speech needs. Let's have it.

It was summer '09 the first time Helen collapsed.

She got referred to a specialist.

They spent their lives in hospitals.

Which meant I was getting left at home for hours.

I was being neglected.

And it was amazing!

This is amazing!

But like all good things,

Helen's degenerative heart condition had to come to an end.

The funeral was the worst day of my whole, entire life.

I was with him all day.

The fat, crying prick.

Apparently I was his "rock".

Ah, a touch of the old Paul Burrells.

Produces his own wines now, interestingly.

Whenever I hear "rock", of course,

I think of the wrestler turned actor Dwayne "The Rock"...

-SHUT UP!

-Please,

it is the last time I will interrupt your story...

It is not the last time I will interrupt your story.

Just when I thought life with Gary couldn't possibly get any worse.

Anyway, darling. Bought you some presents.

God, she was a big girl.

Who's providing the hearse?

Eddie Stobart?

Poem from me.

Photo of Nanny.

And this from Destiny.

So you can throw it when you see her in heaven.

Gary, you dick. That is not going to heaven!

Greed and sloth, Gary.

That's two out of seven.

-Now, just reach in there.

-I know, girl, we all miss her.

We're ready.

I made a vow right then and there, I would get my tennis ball back.

I slipped out later that week to dig it back up.

But it was really, really hard!

So I went back to the cemetery every single day.

I remember seeing you down there once.

I was going through that phase

when I thought I was the film actor Will Smith.

Hey, Destiny.

I Robot, The Fresh Prince, Men In Black II.

Sounds amusing now. It was actually a very dark time in my life.

Anyway, Wild Wild West bye.

Destiny!

My very own Greyfriars Bobby!

Now, come on, girl, let's get you home.

Let go!

I am trying to rob your dead wife's grave, you bum-plumber!

I thought my ball was gone for ever.

But that night I did something I'd never done before.

Helen, if you did manage to squeeze through those pearly gates,

please return my ball.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

My goodness, Helen?

Vince, actually.

Apparently he'd been out desecrating the graves of anyone born outside the European Union

when he saw Helen's headstone

and assumed her middle name, Xena, was of Eastern decent.

Vince.

Don't suppose you've seen Martin Lawrence?

Only I'm supposed to be commencing first day of principle photography on Bad Boys 3.

OK, thanks, anyway. I Am Legend, bye.

So, anyway, one thing leads to another,

Vince decides to rob Helen's coffin.

Shitty poem, picture of Bruce Forsyth in a dress,

tennis ball.

-Well, where's the Terracotta Army, you dead Peking

-BLEEP?

Gary was so upset when he found out Helen's body had been dumped in Millwall Docks,

he ended up in counselling!

Five nights a week!

And it was AMAZING!

This is AMAZING!

Wow.

Horrible story.

So, in summary, Destiny's dead on the inside.

Kudos to Auntie Sandra and Uncle Frank,

he is so light on the palette.

Kali's eating her cousin, and I've got no best man speech.

I'm going to regret this.

Marion, have you got another Vince anecdote?

Oh, yes, my friend. You are aware that my relationship with Vince

can be, how you say, fractious?

-Make sure you do your homework!

-You can't tell me what to do!

Yes, I can, young lady!

And when we get home, straight to your room.

-Why can't you see things from my point of

-BLEEP

-view?

Why can't you see things from MY point of view?

I didn't ask to be born!

Turn that down right now, little miss, or so help me,

I will come in there!

I hate you!

-Why am I suddenly a

-BLEEP

-cat?

Wow. So that's quite freaky.

OK, I'm going to stop you there, Marion.

This freaky thing, did it by any chance happen on a Friday?

Let me think.

I met a girl on the Monday, took her for a drink on the Tuesday,

we were making love by Wednesday,

which I thought was actually a bit much.

I lost all respect for her that night.

So, yeah, spilt up with her on the Thursday.

Which means it was a Friday, yes.

So you could say it was a "freaky Friday"?

That is it exactly!

It was a freaky Friday.

OK, just putting this out there

for your own cultural wellbeing, really,

cut up the Blockbuster card, read a book some time.

Fine, write your own fricking speech, I'm out!

Everyone, I'd like you to meet my date.

He's not only real but he's also finally arrived.

This is Salty Pepper.

Hello, anyone got any crystal meth?

HA HA HA HA! God, he's funny!

God, you're funny!

Tell them what you do for a living.

-I'm a tramp's dog.

-He's a pilot.

-And tell them where you live.

-I'm homeless.

-Knightsbridge.

OK, I'm starting to maybe think Salty Pepper isn't your real name.

Well, you blew it. I said be believable.

-Can I have my money now?

-No.

-Anyone got any change, like?

MUMBLING

Actually, why are we doing this?

We don't have clothes, let alone pockets.

Or indeed, for that matter, any small change.

-Oh, right.

-They're setting up the ceilidh band.

Right, I need Vince stories!

Anything, I'm desperate!

All right, all right. How about the story of Vince and Nathan?

Nathan? Of course!

-Who's Nathan?

-Before your time.

He was one of the original gang. In fact, when you first turned up

you were known as the new Nathan for a while.

Just write this down.

It was a weekend in May when Nathan first arrived.

Welcome to the garden, I'm Nelson.

Just to set you at ease, I may be a fox

but I like to think more than that I'm a bloody good neighbour.

So, panic over, I won't be eating you!

Unless you don't tie your rubbish up properly!

Ha ha ha!

I'm joking, of course.

No, but seriously, we do get rats so put a knot in it!

As it were... This is getting away from me. I'm Nelson.

-Kali.

-Destiny.

-And you're a cockerel.

'I can remember wanting to make a cock joke but I didn't.

'Because I couldn't think of one. So instead I just said...'

Cock.

'Which probably looked quite odd in hindsight.'

And your name is?

HE SIGHS

Well, he's weird.

Come on, it's always hard joining a new group.

We just need to make an extra special effort to include him

in any capers or shenanigans that come our way.

'So that's exactly what we did.'

Nathan, bit of a pickle.

The three-wheeler's broken down, we're on our way to a fancy dress party,

any chance you could call us a cab?

OK, then.

How about you just keep an eye on some of our hooky gear?

HE SIGHS

'He just wasn't interested.

'Until one afternoon weeks later.'

I see Bernard Matthews has died.

Shame, he always seemed like such a jolly fellow.

The man was a tyrant.

Oh, Nathan.

Rounded us up. Forced us into cages.

Barely move my head.

Not just me, women, children, the elderly.

People dying where they stood.

Illness, plague, standing in your own filth.

-Cake!

-Oh, lovely.

You cannot go wrong with a bit of fruitcake.

Better crack on with the story.

Gary had rescued Nathan from a battery farm.

But he was one of the...

..lucky ones.

My girlfriend.

Not so lucky. Salmonella.

They came for her one night.

Took her into the yard.

Wrung her neck in plain view...

Anyone not want their marzipan?

So I made a stand.

From that day on I would never crow again.

Now, excuse me.

I'm feeling kind of sad.

Crikey.

-So tragic.

-Not that arsed.

Well, I'm going to do something to lift his spirits.

I will make that cockerel crow again!

And I think I know just how.

'See, I'd a read lovely piece in Men's Health

'about inner-city boxing clubs that help restore self-esteem.

'Which I soon discovered are an entirely different thing from cockfighting.

'Which is just plain barbaric.'

And I appreciate you all trying to make me feel at home,

apart from you, Destiny.

But I just want to be left alone.

Guess that's it, then, guys. Guess we'll never hear that cockerel crow.

Oh, my God, it's hatching.

My girlfriend, her last egg!

I saved it!

Played it her favourite song every day!

It's hatching!

Children of men!

It's a miracle!

Still not that arsed.

'As Nathan clapped eyes on his son for the first time,

'something magical happened.'

Cock-a-doodle-do!

'The cockerel finally crowed, loud and proud for all to hear.

I've got it! That's the speech!

It's gently amusing, it's relatable, it's got a nice moral.

-It's got no Vince.

-Ah, yeah.

No, now I think of it, he was there.

Cock-a-doodle-do!

Cock-a-doodle-do!

-It's four in the morning, you cock-a-doodle

-BLEEP.

Argh!

I've got nothing, no speech.

Vince is going to kill me!

He really will!

Marion, when the time comes to arrange my gravestone...

-Yes?

-..I just want something simple.

"Here lies Nelson.

"He lived, he loved, he laughed.

"And yeah, he cried. Sure he did.

"But if he had his time over again, would he do it all just the same?"

No, of course he wouldn't!

He'd just steal a load of generic best man jokes off the internet!

Or better still he'd say, "Sorry, Vince, I can't be best man,

"I'm off on a walking holiday in the Chilterns that bloody weekend!"

Yeah, don't know about you,

but I was seeing your gravestone as two lollipop sticks glued together.

So the writing's going to be pretty small.

Sorry, Nelson.

Ich habe eine question.

Why are you even friends mit Vince?

Because...he's a mate, obviously!

He's a bully, Nelson.

If you don't stand up to him one day,

you'll be for ever in his shadow.

Wow, everything you say sounds so wise.

Centre Parcs are famous for their indoor pools.

See?!

This is your chance to break free, Nelson.

Because it's like I always say,

"Get busy living, or get busy dying."

I've got gooseflesh!

OK. I think I know what my speech needs to be.

Say something about penguins.

No.

..And she is lovely and she is kind

and she is the most beautiful fox in the world

and if she hadn't taught me my letters

I wouldn't have written this speech,

so if anyone disagrees with me

I will kill everyone I have ever met, including myself.

Thank you, thanks. Enjoy the day.

Now, I'd love to stand before you all today

to make a series of light-hearted observations

about Vince being rubbish at cooking and leaving the toilet seat up.

Nelson! Stitching me right up!

I'd love to do that.

But I can't.

Because the truth is, Vince is a nasty, spiteful bully.

He's uncouth, he's sexually-violent, and he's foul-mouthed.

So what I really want to say, Vince,

is that I don't want to be your friend any more.

Nelson,

in front of all these people, my wife, friends, new family,

I'm going to say one thing to you...

Thank you.

GASPING

Because, Penny, he's right. I am all those things.

-Matter of fact, I, Vincent Fox, am a

-BLEEP.

GASPING

# From Millwall to the Albert dock

# There's one thing plain to see

# In this entire borough there's no bastard bad as me

# I guess it ain't a huge surprise that I have got no friends

# Well, it was you that had your stag do ethnically cleansed

# When I was a little cub my Grandma said to me

# Please, son, put the gun down You can have all my money

# Silly cow, she kept her savings underneath the bed

-# So I nicked her

-BLEEP

-pension book and shot her in the head. #

-# He robbed me

-Knifed me

-Shot me

# He poured acid down my front

# He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt

# He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt

ALL: # I think that we all agree he is a massive...

# Dum-diddle-um diddle-um diddle-um diddle-aye

# Um-diddle-um diddle-um-diddle-aye

# Dum-diddle-um diddle-um

# You've got to give me credit for keeping our streets clean

# I'm on the Atkins diet so I'm eating tramps and queens

# Why don't you join the BNP? I think you'll fit in fine

-# You must be

-BLEEP

-joking I know where to draw the line

-# He robbed me

-Knifed me

-Shot me

# He poured acid down my front

# He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt

# He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt

ALL: # I think that we all agree he is a massive...

# Dum-diddle-um diddle-um diddle-um diddle-aye

# Dum-diddle-um diddle-um

# Remember when we first met on that night out in the park?

# You were so romantic I just felt an instant spark

# If I'm being honest that spark was a Taser gun

# I knocked you unconscious then I had my bit of fun

-# He robbed me

-Knifed me

-Shot me

# He poured acid down my front

# He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt

# He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt

ALL: # I think that we all agree he is a massive...

# Oooooh

# He anally invaded me as a publicity stunt

# I think that we all agree

-# He is a massive

-BLEEP.

-#

-I'm a

-BLEEP.

So now you know the real me, I'll get out of your life for ever.

Vince, wait.

I still love you.

I'll always love you.

I love you for you, no matter what.

Oh, Penny.

-Now kiss me, you

-BLEEP!

-Did you just call me a

-BLEEP,

-sweetheart?

I thought we were all doing it.

ARGH! AAARGH!

TASER FIRING

Still, at least the weather held.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

Cock-a-doodle-doo!