Episode 5 Mongrels

Ah! I love people-watching.

They really are THE most fascinating creatures.

-Has he gone yet?

-Gary?

No. Still looking for you.

Well, I ain't going back out there.

-Not while he's wearing those!

-Yes.

-Yes they are rather tight, aren't they?

-Earlier, when he sat down...

I saw summink.

Humans are just like us, aren't they?

Look, that young girl could be Kali.

And that gentleman of the road, Marion.

Look, there's Vince, beating up small children

for their packed lunches.

-Good morning

-BLEEP.

-Who fancies a Robinson's Fruit Shoot?

No, thanks, Vince.

Oi, look! That's like the human version of me.

Stacey Solomon! So it is.

Oop! And who's this eager swain come to chance his heart?

Ha ha ha! It's you! It's the human Nelson!

That's ridiculous. He's not like me.

Patsy Kensit. Will I ever find true love?

Don't want to play this game any more.

# La la la la

# La la la laaa la

# La la la la laaaa. #

Then he picked up some fish from Waitrose, wrapped it in pastry,

30 minutes in the oven and bang! Salmon-en-croute,

ready in time for Rebus.

So very, very interesting.

Is he still banging on about that cock from the park?

Come on. It's not every day you find your human counterpart.

And he is such a cool guy.

He's a rat-faced ginger virgin called Neil.

Well, let me tell you something, Kali.

That's what they said about Neil Kinnock.

And he's got a... wife, now. So.

If this Neil is so sexy,

why don't you go off and live beside his dustbin? Hmm? Hmm?

HMM?

Oi, Nelson, you otter's knob!

Remember at the park when I was hiding from Gary in those pervy shorts?

Well, I waited until he went out and then I snuck upstairs,

went into his wardrobe

and I opened all the drawers and then I couldn't find his shorts.

So I stabbed his hamster.

Oh, Hamish. I barely knew ye.

Anyway bye!

I should get going, too, actually.

I'm meant to be over at Vanessa Feltz's place.

Serious? You're still doing that?

Hells, yeah, bitch. I'm in for it for as long as it takes.

DULL TAPPING

That's right, Feltz.

Try to ignore it.

I ain't going nowhere.

Behold! All that is Neil.

Wow!

He's got a lot of exotic loose-leaf tea.

-Whittard's. Up a bit.

-Ah, yes.

What's the human me doing now?

Nothing interesting. Moving some furniture, pottering around...

Uh-oh.

I just seen a cat I used to go out with.

I really don't want a conversation with her.

It didn't end well.

EERIE MUSIC

THUNDER RUMBLES

Die, daughter of Dracul!

Argh!

Apparently she wasn't a wampire,

just had these two pointy teeth.

Which I later discovered all cats do.

Hey, look at me Nelson, I have pointy teeth.

I am wampire, too! Hey!

Hey! Heyyy!

Hello, Marion.

Hello, Jasmine.

How's things?

I see the heart surgery went well.

Last time I saw you, you were stray.

Eating out of the dustbins behind a dodgy pub.

What are you up to these days?

Marion, think of something she will not suspect is lies.

Now I've heard you say that part, I'll hardly believe...

I am currently head of European marketing at GlaxoSmithKline.

Oh, you have child.

Yes. He's...since we split up.

Hello, esteemed friend of my mother.

-A fine lad! His father must be very proud.

-Indeed, he is!

If only I had such a strapping son.

If only I knew who that father was.

Oh! Derek Bentley!

Marion, we need to get in there!

Mother, who was that awesome cat?

Well, I suppose I can't keep it from you forever.

Leslie, that imbecile, he... he was the one

who stabbed me through the heart with a sharpened towel rail.

No!

Also, he's your dad.

At last!

I have found my father!

On the downside I've also discovered that my mother...bit of a slag.

Jesus, Gary, why?

It's like I can feel it looking at me.

Come on lads. My dog can pass better than that.

Oh, God, this is boring.

Look at this poor old bastard! Gone to sleep.

I heard that young man.

Urgh-urr-urgh.

Do you always make that noise?

No offence, disgusting. Truly.

I may be old but I still have my pleasures in life.

Nnnnrgh.

A pig toy? Show me something I haven't seen.

OINK! OINK! OINK!

Ah-ha ha ha ha!

It's a pig and it makes a noise like a pig. It works on two levels.

OINK! Ah-ha ha ha ha!

OINK! Ah-ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha! SHE GRUNTS LIKE A PIG

Ah-ha ha ha! Nah, bored, novelty's worn off.

OINK! Ah-ha ha ha ha!

It hadn't worn off. I was just temporarily jaded!

Oh, my days! I have to have it.

Tired now, Bubala.

Leave me alone.

Please, let me have it.

Would you like me to dance for ya?

So, is this doing anything for you?

Not sexually, no.

But they tell me shapes and colours are very good

stimulation to help stave off the dementia.

Urrrgh, mmm. Urrrgh.

So go on, keep going.

Yeah. Just like that. There's a good girl.

Urgh. Mmm.

NEIL GURGLES

THEY GASP

Hang in there, big man, we're getting you down.

Why suicide, Neil?

You're an eBay Powerseller AND you've got an Amazon Kindle!

You are quite literally living la vida.

Oh. It's that girl from the park.

Suddenly it starts to make sense.

Papa?

It is me.

I think...

I am your son!

I don't believe it!

He has a child.

You selfish bastard!

You're losing your grip now, Feltz.

I can see it.

Let it go.

It's weird. You think I'd feel younger standing next to you.

But it's like I'm constantly being reminded that every second that goes past

takes me closer to being a stinking, sagging,

wheezing sack of death, like you.

You repulsive old bastard.

And yet you've got Oinky Pig.

And for that reason, I do.

Thank you, Destiny, for those...lovely vows.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

-Yay!

-You may now kiss your bride.

Get off me, pervert!

That's it then. It's just you, me and Oinky Pig!

Ooh, no, you don't.

No-one touches the Oinky Pig but me.

He even came with me that time I appeared in

one of the early Harry Potter films.

Quite amusing actually.

No.

No, no, it's gone.

Not a bad morning's work, eh, Kali?

Saving a suicidal man.

Big deal. I help suicidal people all the time.

You want to grind the pills up, yeah?

And use a decent vodka, else you won't keep it down.

Hello? Hello?

Ha! One for the board!

Three more, I get a box of doughnuts.

Brap.

Now all I have to do is improve Neil's love life

and he'll be absolutely fine.

Forget it match-dot-cock.

You got no chance.

My friends, say hello to my son Leslie.

Brethren!

You got access?

His mother agreed I can see him every week!

So long as nothing terrible happens!

So, you're the Guvnor's son, are you?

-What?

-Well, round here, we call this guy the Guvnor.

-No, we don't.

-Know why?

Because everyone respects him. Because he's a cool guy.

No, he ain't.

What you winking at me for? I think he's a twat.

Oh, that's just the kind of banter we share round here!

Isn't that right, the Guvnor?

Nelson, who are you talking to?

It's... It's... Oh, never mind. Carry on.

So, what would you like to do today?

I want my boy to have all the things in life I have missed out on.

What, like testicles?

-What's she talking about, Papa?

-Oh, ho ho ho! You ain't told him?

-There are subjects I haven't got round...

-Your dad's got no balls!

-Kali!

-Kid's got a right to know, Guv.

It's OK, Papa. Truly, there is no shame in it.

There is deep shame in it.

-Leslie.

-You're a very nasty pigeon.

-Yeah, yeah.

-PAGER BEEPS

Oop. It's Vanessa time!

Again? How long have you been doing that?

# So here it is, merry Christmas... #

# You're beautiful You're beautiful... #

# In your Easter bonnet... #

# Woah! We're going to Ibiza... #

ADDAMS FAMILY THEME PLAYS

# So here it is... #

Two days.

Yes, yes. Very droll.

No, really. It's actually quite sad.

I think she's got some kind of mental illness.

OK, Neil. Operation True Romance,

stage one, winning the lady's heart.

If I've learnt anything from Audrey Hepburn films,

it's that women love a mink!

DOORBELL RINGS

Arrrgh!

Huh, maybe not all women.

Who's there? I know there's someone there.

What's going on?

SHE SQUEALS

Listen, pal. You stay away or you'll have me to answer to.

Looks like we've got ourselves a little love triangle.

Ha ha ha! Oh, classic rom-com!

Here's where I live. Not that you'll remember.

Senile old prick.

Senile?

Let me remind you about the time I appeared on

the canine version of Mastermind!

Expelliamus!

See, that's totally the wrong flashback.

You were meant to have that ten minutes ago.

Oh, dear.

Clive Dunn! Destiny, I didn't know granddad was visiting!

-He's not my granddad, you wolf's perineum. He's my husband.

-Husband?!

Married him for his Oinky Pig. Now I'm waiting for him to die.

Oh. No. It's just...

I always thought I'd be your first husband.

No, I know, there's still plenty of time for us but...

Nelson! Let me stop you there. For some time now I've made it clear I don't fancy you.

I've expressed this through verbal abuse, physical violence,

and, in one case, by having six tonnes of toxic sludge

deposited in your den.

That was you?

Gosh, I owe Tesco Direct an apology!

I tried all of those things and they failed.

So, today, I'm going to try something different.

I'm going to talk and I want you to listen.

And this is real.

This is not banter.

I'm not even going to shout at you because I know you'll think that,

underneath all that aggression,

there's some kind of sexual tension.

There isn't.

And I don't say this to be cruel.

The cruel thing would be to let you carry on in the misguided belief

that there's anything there.

At all.

Because there's nothing.

Nothing.

Literally nothing.

This ends now.

The end of us.

Well, not that there ever was, or ever will be, an "us".

Never.

Genuinely never.

Never, never, never.

Now, is there anything you want to say?

Erm, just...thank you.

-Thank you for being honest.

-That's OK.

You coming back to the bins?

No. No, I just want to...stay here.

Finish my coffee.

Right that's him dealt with!

Just leaves you.

Hold the spray can.

WHISTLES

-Afternoon,

-BLEEP!

All right, Vince. My husband here said he had a message for ya.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Those words make me very angry.

-Do you know why?

-Hello.

Because...because I never learnt how to read.

Oh, for Christ's sake!

I don't want sympathy. It's me own fault.

I dropped out of school early for an apprenticeship.

Mind you, that did end badly.

And all right, I got the costings wrong on the salad dressing.

-But, I mean, what kind of

-BLEEP

-team name is Symposium anyway?

So, you watch the football?

-You what, sorry, mate?

-Arsenal or Manchester?

Nah, actually I'm doing a little bit to camera here.

-Sorry, thought you were talking to me.

-No, well, I wasn't.

Anyway, dessert was nice. Seven!

Hang on.

Teach me how to read, old-timer.

Teach me what you've written on the wall.

Yeah, go on. Teach him.

Well, let's see now. It says...

Vince...

Oh! That's me! Yeah, my name's Vince. Carry on.

Vince...is...a...

Now I know the next letter.

That's a curly 'cuh', innit?

So Vince is a c...

Vince i-is...a...

BLEEP.

-You what, sweetheart?

-BLEEP.

-Vince is a

-BLEEP.

I can't hear you, sugarlump. Speak up.

-Vince is a

-BLEEP!

-Did you just call me a

-BLEEP?

Oh! Look, Vince, I just want you to kill my elderly husband.

Now if that's too much to ask...

Matter of fact, it is.

I'm doing a sponsored non-violence month in aid of cystic fibrosis.

-So if you want to kill your husband why not just

-BLEEP

-him to death.

I mean, that's how we said goodbye to my old dad.

This may sound crazy, my boy.

But one day, you will meet right person.

You, too, will want your balls cut off.

Don't think I will, Papa.

Ah, my boy, so much you have to learn.

# Aha, aha, yes!

# Since I wasn't around When you were a kitten

# Here's a father's advice Make sure you listen!

# You've got to go to university

# Do media studies It's a useful degree

# Sniff loads of glue The feeling's incredible

# And never use condoms They make the sex terrible!

# Forget what they tell you at school

# Aha, aha, aha, yes!

# Smoking makes you look cool

# Aha, aha, light up

# Keep your PIN number simple Like one, two, three, four

# I have mine tattooed on my paw

# If a Nigerian prince ever emails

# Send him your bank account details

# Instead of a job Play internet poker

# But never forget You gots to be a smoker

# Forget what they tell you at school

# Aha, aha, light up, yeah!

# Smoking makes you look cool

# Aha, aha, light up

# Always accept lift from strangers

# Hitch-hiking's free With very few dangers

# Send stuff to newspapers While you're hammered

# They published my cartoon Of Prophet Muhammad

# Forget what they tell you at school

# Join new religion When you are pissed

# Smoking makes you look cool

# This is why I am Scientologist

# Forget what they tell you at school

# Sell a kidney, if you are broke

# Smoking makes you look cool

# But never sell a lung, boy Cos you've got to smoke. #

Wow, Papa! I think I just became a man.

Yes, you did, my boy. Yes, you did.

What do you think, Nelson?

Leave me.

I'm trying to eat chocolate spread, listen to My Chemical Romance

and weep quietly.

Why the big celebration?

No celebration, Marion.

It's Destiny.

It's all over. For good this time.

Nelson, this is crazy talk!

It is the talk of a suicidal person.

I am a suicidal person.

Oh, in that case, makes perfect sense.

-Sorry for the confusion.

-I don't expect you to understand, Marion.

No-one understands me.

No-one except...

So I was wondering...if you'd be up for a suicide pact.

Neil?

Chazz Palminteri!

# Where is my mind? #

This has to be the most romantic thing I've ever seen!

Oh, how could I be so weak?

True love means never giving up!

Well, don't you worry, Neil. I'll get you two lovebirds back together

if it's the last thing I do!

GLASS SMASHES

CAR ALARM BLARES

Neil, tell me you're not the Subaru.

OK, Feltz.

Time to take this up a notch.

TAPS FASTER

Look.

If we are going to have sex, you have to promise me

you're going to die during, or immediately after.

HE WHEEZES

Quickly. I just wanted to say thanks.

I was so embarrassed I couldn't read them words on the wall,

I went and acquired myself

a basic-grade qualification in adult literacy.

APPLAUSE

It has opened up a whole new world to me.

You saucy twat.

Hurrrgh, yarrgh!

Finally!

Cor! There ends the amnesty.

I'd better take down that Just Giving page.

Cor dear!

Come on, then, Nelson. It's rom-com time!

# Walk away if you want to

# It's OK if you need to

# Well, you can run But you can never hide... #

Ah! Forbidden love. How Shakespearean.

# ..that shadow that's creeping up beside you

# And there's a magic running through your soul

# That you can have it all

# Whatever you do... #

Aaarrrgh!

# ..I'll be two steps... #

DOORBELL RINGS

-# ..Wherever you go

-And I'll be there to remind you

# That it only takes a minute of your precious time... #

You keep on ringing, Neil. She can't stay in there forever.

# ..To turn around I'll be two steps behind. #

Oh, Neil. Lost his nerve again.

But then things are always their bleakest before the happy ending.

That's why it's three weddings, then a funeral, THEN a wedding.

Yeah, this really is shaping up to be a classic love story!

Oh, this is going to be so much sweeter knowing I earnt it.

Put that pig down!

Says who?

Your stepdaughter, bitch.

Daddy promised me that toy when I was two.

Maybe he did. But Daddy died intestate,

so his estate naturally passes over to the spouse.

Intestate?

This signed and notarised document promises all squeaky toys to me.

What are you going to do about that?

I might just lodge a caveat at the probate registry,

preventing a grant of probate without my full notification.

That's your right.

Unless I counter-issue you with a warning denying entitlement.

Ahhh! Bitch!

THEY GROWL

OINK!

Leslie! Where have you been?

I have befriended a fox cub, a puppy dog and a young pigeon.

So cute. What do you do?

We deal with the kind of issues that apparently affect young people.

I'm being pressured into sex instead of GCSEs.

I want to be a DJ but I've been offered drugs.

Bullied via a social networking site.

Come on, guys. You're forgetting the environment!

There is phone number if you have been affected by any of this.

No.

One other thing. I've had my balls cut off.

-Why the frig?

-I want to be just like you, Papa.

I want to have no testicles and live in a dustbin.

It is not as glamorous as you make it sound.

Marion, I need help. I'm not having any luck getting the humans back together.

If only I could find the perfect present.

Something adorable that she'd instantly fall in love with.

Women love kittens. I mean, that is a fact.

Papa?

Son, if my balls have taught me anything, and, believe me,

they haven't, it is that you must let go of the things you love.

-Have you seen the film Little Miss Sunshine?

-Yes.

-Does it illustrate my point in any way?

-Not really.

Fair enough, long shot. Should've picked a film I'd seen.

Fact remains, if I can get you an entry-level position

in a good household, perhaps your mother will forgive me.

If my Papa wills it, so it must be.

Leslie, I will visit many times.

Regularly to begin.

Then, as time goes by and it becomes more of a chore, less and less frequently.

Until one day, almost without noticing,

I am no longer a part of your life.

Then I will come back one more time to borrow some money.

Which you will never get back.

As executor of your late husband's estate, it falls to me to manage

and settle his affairs. And Trixie is named

as residuary beneficiary of all her father's assets.

-Sweet!

-One minute, bitch!

Is that before or after pecuniary gifts?

What part of "residuary beneficiary" don't you understand, tart?

There are no pecuniary gifts, Destiny. She's sole beneficiary.

Well, not according to this codicil, she ain't.

-Give that to me.

-Oh, what are you going to do, revoke it(?)

Revoke this, you slag!

THEY GRUNT

Silence! I'll have you both in contempt. Silence!

OINK! OINK OINK!

BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

-Silence!

-OINK! OINK! OINNK...

Oh, bloody hell. Think I've broken it.

Yep. No, I have. I've broken it.

-Not interested.

-Forget it then.

-Right. Next case.

The estate of Beatrix Potter versus Vincent Fox.

-Oh, dear!

-Look, for the last time,

-I created the character of Jemima Bucket

-BLEEP

in good faith.

For fuck's sake.

# Hallelujah! #

Yes! Bo! Boom-shack-a-lack-a-lack-a-lack-a!

I took you down, Feltz! I took you all the way down!

I took you down to Chinatown!

Oh, my gosh, this feels good! Ha ha!

Oh, my neck does ache though.

Oh, my God. Wow.

Oh, it's not until you stop. Jeez.

God!

-Ta-da!

-What?

Our two lovers, from the park.

I've finally engineered a meeting between them.

See, Marion and I have been busy bees.

We smuggled Leslie in as a special surprise.

Then borrowed a door key and snuck into Timpsons.

Then Marion delivered the key to our male.

I made sure there'd be no interruptions

by disconnecting Denise's landline.

Then there was nothing left to do so I just read for a bit.

Then I nearly went for a swim but it's a weekend

so it'd just be full of kids.

I'm straying from the point.

Why, Nelson?

Why are you even doing this?

Because...I was thinking if you saw that the human us,

Well, if they could... Well, then maybe there's hope for us.

Oh, you total loser!

But here comes Neil!

Oh, please stay. This'll be like the sweetest rom-com moment ever.

Well, she does look surprised.

Oh, just look at that face! Priceless.

She don't look happy, Nelson.

Well, if she'd only stop screaming and listen to what he has to say.

Who's that other guy?

Oh! The boyfriend! He's supposed to be out.

Come on, Neil, stand up for yourself.

Oh, there's a turn-up.

-Did you know he was bringing a gun?

-I must be honest, no.

-SHOTGUN BLAST STACEY:

-Aaargh!

-SHOTGUN BLAST NEIL:

-God, help me!

SHOTGUN BLAST

# You say it best... #

Richard Curtis, I am not.

# When you say nothing at all. #

So what happened with this human?

Yeah. Played out as bit of an oddball

rom-com in the end. Bit left-field.

Three funerals, no wedding.

What a total frigging psycho!

Ho-ho ho-ho ho! He was.

He really, REALLY was. Huh-huh!

And, can I just say, nothing like me.

# Ain't no sunshine When she's gone... #

BLUBBERS UNCONTROLLABLY

# ..Only darkness every day. #

So...

My son, I will never forgive myself for leading you into that house of death.

Oy, the humanity.

But remember, not a word to your mother

or she ma-a-ay restrict my access.

Not a word about what?

The fact he's covered in blood

or the fact he's got no balls?

Farewell, Papa.

All the best for the future. Don't suppose you've got £5?

And how's Miss Feltz?

Yeah, I've put all that behind me.

I got two seconds' satisfaction and felt empty again.

So I found something more fulfilling in my life.

-You've moved onto someone else, haven't you?

-No.

PAGER BEEPS

Yeah.

That's right, Anthea. I've got as long as it takes.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

OINK! OINK! DESTINY: Ha ha ha ha!