Browse content similar to Episode 6. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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Ah! I love people-watching. | 0:00:11 | 0:00:13 | |
They really are THE most fascinating creatures. | 0:00:13 | 0:00:16 | |
-Has he gone yet? -Gary? | 0:00:16 | 0:00:18 | |
No. Still looking for you. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
Well, I ain't going back out there. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
-Not while he's wearing those! -Yes. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:25 | |
-Yes they are rather tight, aren't they? -Earlier, when he sat down... | 0:00:25 | 0:00:29 | |
I saw summink. | 0:00:29 | 0:00:30 | |
Humans are just like us, aren't they? | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
Look, that young girl could be Kali. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
And that gentleman of the road, Marion. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
Look, there's Vince, beating up small children | 0:00:38 | 0:00:41 | |
for their packed lunches. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
-Good morning -BLEEP. -Who fancies a Robinson's Fruit Shoot? | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
No, thanks, Vince. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:47 | |
Oi, look! That's like the human version of me. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
Stacey Solomon! So it is. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
Oop! And who's this eager swain come to chance his heart? | 0:00:55 | 0:01:00 | |
Ha ha ha! It's you! It's the human Nelson! | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
That's ridiculous. He's not like me. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
Patsy Kensit. Will I ever find true love? | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
Don't want to play this game any more. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
# La la la la | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
# La la la laaa la | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
# La la la la laaaa. # | 0:01:17 | 0:01:21 | |
Then he picked up some fish from Waitrose, wrapped it in pastry, | 0:01:21 | 0:01:25 | |
30 minutes in the oven and bang! Salmon-en-croute, | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
ready in time for Rebus. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
So very, very interesting. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
Is he still banging on about that cock from the park? | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
Come on. It's not every day you find your human counterpart. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
And he is such a cool guy. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
He's a rat-faced ginger virgin called Neil. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:44 | |
Well, let me tell you something, Kali. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
That's what they said about Neil Kinnock. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
And he's got a... wife, now. So. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
If this Neil is so sexy, | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
why don't you go off and live beside his dustbin? Hmm? Hmm? | 0:01:53 | 0:01:57 | |
HMM? | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
Oi, Nelson, you otter's knob! | 0:01:59 | 0:02:00 | |
Remember at the park when I was hiding from Gary in those pervy shorts? | 0:02:00 | 0:02:04 | |
Well, I waited until he went out and then I snuck upstairs, | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
went into his wardrobe | 0:02:07 | 0:02:08 | |
and I opened all the drawers and then I couldn't find his shorts. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
So I stabbed his hamster. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
Oh, Hamish. I barely knew ye. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
Anyway bye! | 0:02:18 | 0:02:19 | |
I should get going, too, actually. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
I'm meant to be over at Vanessa Feltz's place. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:24 | |
Serious? You're still doing that? | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
Hells, yeah, bitch. I'm in for it for as long as it takes. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
DULL TAPPING | 0:02:29 | 0:02:34 | |
That's right, Feltz. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
Try to ignore it. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:41 | |
I ain't going nowhere. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
Behold! All that is Neil. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
Wow! | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
He's got a lot of exotic loose-leaf tea. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
-Whittard's. Up a bit. -Ah, yes. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
What's the human me doing now? | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
Nothing interesting. Moving some furniture, pottering around... | 0:02:59 | 0:03:03 | |
Uh-oh. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:04 | |
I just seen a cat I used to go out with. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
I really don't want a conversation with her. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
It didn't end well. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
EERIE MUSIC | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
THUNDER RUMBLES | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
Die, daughter of Dracul! | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
Argh! | 0:03:18 | 0:03:19 | |
Apparently she wasn't a wampire, | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
just had these two pointy teeth. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
Which I later discovered all cats do. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
Hey, look at me Nelson, I have pointy teeth. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
I am wampire, too! Hey! | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
Hey! Heyyy! | 0:03:32 | 0:03:33 | |
Hello, Marion. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
Hello, Jasmine. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
How's things? | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
I see the heart surgery went well. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
Last time I saw you, you were stray. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
Eating out of the dustbins behind a dodgy pub. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
What are you up to these days? | 0:03:46 | 0:03:47 | |
Marion, think of something she will not suspect is lies. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:51 | |
Now I've heard you say that part, I'll hardly believe... | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
I am currently head of European marketing at GlaxoSmithKline. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
Oh, you have child. | 0:03:57 | 0:04:00 | |
Yes. He's...since we split up. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:04 | |
Hello, esteemed friend of my mother. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
-A fine lad! His father must be very proud. -Indeed, he is! | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
If only I had such a strapping son. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
If only I knew who that father was. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
Oh! Derek Bentley! | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
Marion, we need to get in there! | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
Mother, who was that awesome cat? | 0:04:19 | 0:04:23 | |
Well, I suppose I can't keep it from you forever. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
Leslie, that imbecile, he... he was the one | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
who stabbed me through the heart with a sharpened towel rail. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
No! | 0:04:32 | 0:04:33 | |
Also, he's your dad. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
At last! | 0:04:35 | 0:04:36 | |
I have found my father! | 0:04:36 | 0:04:37 | |
On the downside I've also discovered that my mother...bit of a slag. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:42 | |
Jesus, Gary, why? | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
It's like I can feel it looking at me. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
Come on lads. My dog can pass better than that. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
Oh, God, this is boring. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
Look at this poor old bastard! Gone to sleep. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
I heard that young man. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
Urgh-urr-urgh. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
Do you always make that noise? | 0:05:06 | 0:05:07 | |
No offence, disgusting. Truly. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:11 | |
I may be old but I still have my pleasures in life. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:15 | |
Nnnnrgh. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:16 | |
A pig toy? Show me something I haven't seen. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
OINK! OINK! OINK! | 0:05:19 | 0:05:20 | |
Ah-ha ha ha ha! | 0:05:20 | 0:05:21 | |
It's a pig and it makes a noise like a pig. It works on two levels. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:25 | |
OINK! Ah-ha ha ha ha! | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
OINK! Ah-ha ha ha ha! | 0:05:27 | 0:05:28 | |
Ha ha! SHE GRUNTS LIKE A PIG | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
Ah-ha ha ha! Nah, bored, novelty's worn off. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:33 | |
OINK! Ah-ha ha ha ha! | 0:05:33 | 0:05:34 | |
It hadn't worn off. I was just temporarily jaded! | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
Oh, my days! I have to have it. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
Tired now, Bubala. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:40 | |
Leave me alone. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
Please, let me have it. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:43 | |
Would you like me to dance for ya? | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
So, is this doing anything for you? | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
Not sexually, no. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
But they tell me shapes and colours are very good | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
stimulation to help stave off the dementia. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:59 | |
Urrrgh, mmm. Urrrgh. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
So go on, keep going. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
Yeah. Just like that. There's a good girl. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
Urgh. Mmm. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
NEIL GURGLES | 0:06:08 | 0:06:09 | |
THEY GASP | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
Hang in there, big man, we're getting you down. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:15 | |
Why suicide, Neil? | 0:06:15 | 0:06:16 | |
You're an eBay Powerseller AND you've got an Amazon Kindle! | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
You are quite literally living la vida. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:22 | |
Oh. It's that girl from the park. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
Suddenly it starts to make sense. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
Papa? | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
It is me. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:31 | |
I think... | 0:06:31 | 0:06:32 | |
I am your son! | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
I don't believe it! | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
He has a child. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
You selfish bastard! | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
You're losing your grip now, Feltz. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
I can see it. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:49 | |
Let it go. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
It's weird. You think I'd feel younger standing next to you. | 0:06:57 | 0:07:01 | |
But it's like I'm constantly being reminded that every second that goes past | 0:07:01 | 0:07:05 | |
takes me closer to being a stinking, sagging, | 0:07:05 | 0:07:09 | |
wheezing sack of death, like you. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
You repulsive old bastard. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
And yet you've got Oinky Pig. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
And for that reason, I do. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
Thank you, Destiny, for those...lovely vows. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
I now pronounce you husband and wife. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
-Yay! -You may now kiss your bride. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
Get off me, pervert! | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
That's it then. It's just you, me and Oinky Pig! | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
Ooh, no, you don't. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
No-one touches the Oinky Pig but me. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
He even came with me that time I appeared in | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
one of the early Harry Potter films. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
Quite amusing actually. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
No. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:52 | |
No, no, it's gone. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
Not a bad morning's work, eh, Kali? | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
Saving a suicidal man. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
Big deal. I help suicidal people all the time. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
You want to grind the pills up, yeah? | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
And use a decent vodka, else you won't keep it down. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
Hello? Hello? | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
Ha! One for the board! | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Three more, I get a box of doughnuts. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
Brap. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:19 | |
Now all I have to do is improve Neil's love life | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
and he'll be absolutely fine. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
Forget it match-dot-cock. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:26 | |
You got no chance. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
My friends, say hello to my son Leslie. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
Brethren! | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
You got access? | 0:08:32 | 0:08:33 | |
His mother agreed I can see him every week! | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
So long as nothing terrible happens! | 0:08:35 | 0:08:39 | |
So, you're the Guvnor's son, are you? | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
-What? -Well, round here, we call this guy the Guvnor. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
-No, we don't. -Know why? | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
Because everyone respects him. Because he's a cool guy. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:50 | |
No, he ain't. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
What you winking at me for? I think he's a twat. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
Oh, that's just the kind of banter we share round here! | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
Isn't that right, the Guvnor? | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
Nelson, who are you talking to? | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
It's... It's... Oh, never mind. Carry on. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
So, what would you like to do today? | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
I want my boy to have all the things in life I have missed out on. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
What, like testicles? | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
-What's she talking about, Papa? -Oh, ho ho ho! You ain't told him? | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
-There are subjects I haven't got round... -Your dad's got no balls! | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
-Kali! -Kid's got a right to know, Guv. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
It's OK, Papa. Truly, there is no shame in it. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
There is deep shame in it. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
-Leslie. -You're a very nasty pigeon. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
-Yeah, yeah. -PAGER BEEPS | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
Oop. It's Vanessa time! | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
Again? How long have you been doing that? | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
# So here it is, merry Christmas... # | 0:09:38 | 0:09:42 | |
# You're beautiful You're beautiful... # | 0:09:42 | 0:09:47 | |
# In your Easter bonnet... # | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
# Woah! We're going to Ibiza... # | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
ADDAMS FAMILY THEME PLAYS | 0:09:53 | 0:09:54 | |
# So here it is... # | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
Two days. | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
Yes, yes. Very droll. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:00 | |
No, really. It's actually quite sad. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
I think she's got some kind of mental illness. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:06 | |
OK, Neil. Operation True Romance, | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
stage one, winning the lady's heart. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:15 | |
If I've learnt anything from Audrey Hepburn films, | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
it's that women love a mink! | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:10:20 | 0:10:21 | |
Arrrgh! | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
Huh, maybe not all women. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
Who's there? I know there's someone there. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
What's going on? | 0:10:30 | 0:10:32 | |
SHE SQUEALS | 0:10:32 | 0:10:33 | |
Listen, pal. You stay away or you'll have me to answer to. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:40 | |
Looks like we've got ourselves a little love triangle. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
Ha ha ha! Oh, classic rom-com! | 0:10:43 | 0:10:45 | |
Here's where I live. Not that you'll remember. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
Senile old prick. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
Senile? | 0:10:59 | 0:11:00 | |
Let me remind you about the time I appeared on | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
the canine version of Mastermind! | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
Expelliamus! | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
See, that's totally the wrong flashback. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
You were meant to have that ten minutes ago. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
Oh, dear. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
Clive Dunn! Destiny, I didn't know granddad was visiting! | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
-He's not my granddad, you wolf's perineum. He's my husband. -Husband?! | 0:11:18 | 0:11:22 | |
Married him for his Oinky Pig. Now I'm waiting for him to die. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:26 | |
Oh. No. It's just... | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
I always thought I'd be your first husband. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
No, I know, there's still plenty of time for us but... | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
Nelson! Let me stop you there. For some time now I've made it clear I don't fancy you. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:39 | |
I've expressed this through verbal abuse, physical violence, | 0:11:39 | 0:11:43 | |
and, in one case, by having six tonnes of toxic sludge | 0:11:43 | 0:11:45 | |
deposited in your den. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
That was you? | 0:11:47 | 0:11:48 | |
Gosh, I owe Tesco Direct an apology! | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
I tried all of those things and they failed. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
So, today, I'm going to try something different. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
I'm going to talk and I want you to listen. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
And this is real. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
This is not banter. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:05 | |
I'm not even going to shout at you because I know you'll think that, | 0:12:05 | 0:12:09 | |
underneath all that aggression, | 0:12:09 | 0:12:10 | |
there's some kind of sexual tension. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
There isn't. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
And I don't say this to be cruel. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
The cruel thing would be to let you carry on in the misguided belief | 0:12:18 | 0:12:22 | |
that there's anything there. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:23 | |
At all. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
Because there's nothing. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
Nothing. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
Literally nothing. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
This ends now. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
The end of us. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
Well, not that there ever was, or ever will be, an "us". | 0:12:36 | 0:12:41 | |
Never. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
Genuinely never. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
Never, never, never. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
Now, is there anything you want to say? | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
Erm, just...thank you. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:58 | |
-Thank you for being honest. -That's OK. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
You coming back to the bins? | 0:13:00 | 0:13:02 | |
No. No, I just want to...stay here. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
Finish my coffee. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
Right that's him dealt with! | 0:13:17 | 0:13:18 | |
Just leaves you. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
Hold the spray can. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:21 | |
WHISTLES | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
-Afternoon, -BLEEP! | 0:13:23 | 0:13:24 | |
All right, Vince. My husband here said he had a message for ya. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:29 | |
Oh, dear. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:30 | |
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
Those words make me very angry. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
-Do you know why? -Hello. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
Because...because I never learnt how to read. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:41 | |
Oh, for Christ's sake! | 0:13:41 | 0:13:42 | |
I don't want sympathy. It's me own fault. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
I dropped out of school early for an apprenticeship. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
Mind you, that did end badly. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
And all right, I got the costings wrong on the salad dressing. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:53 | |
-But, I mean, what kind of -BLEEP -team name is Symposium anyway? | 0:13:53 | 0:13:58 | |
So, you watch the football? | 0:13:58 | 0:13:59 | |
-You what, sorry, mate? -Arsenal or Manchester? | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
Nah, actually I'm doing a little bit to camera here. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
-Sorry, thought you were talking to me. -No, well, I wasn't. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
Anyway, dessert was nice. Seven! | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
Hang on. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
Teach me how to read, old-timer. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
Teach me what you've written on the wall. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
Yeah, go on. Teach him. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
Well, let's see now. It says... | 0:14:19 | 0:14:22 | |
Vince... | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
Oh! That's me! Yeah, my name's Vince. Carry on. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
Vince...is...a... | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
Now I know the next letter. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
That's a curly 'cuh', innit? | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
So Vince is a c... | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
Vince i-is...a... | 0:14:35 | 0:14:39 | |
BLEEP. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
-You what, sweetheart? -BLEEP. -Vince is a -BLEEP. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:45 | |
I can't hear you, sugarlump. Speak up. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:48 | |
-Vince is a -BLEEP! | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
-Did you just call me a -BLEEP? | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
Oh! Look, Vince, I just want you to kill my elderly husband. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:57 | |
Now if that's too much to ask... | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
Matter of fact, it is. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:00 | |
I'm doing a sponsored non-violence month in aid of cystic fibrosis. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:04 | |
-So if you want to kill your husband why not just -BLEEP -him to death. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
I mean, that's how we said goodbye to my old dad. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
This may sound crazy, my boy. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
But one day, you will meet right person. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
You, too, will want your balls cut off. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
Don't think I will, Papa. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
Ah, my boy, so much you have to learn. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:25 | |
# Aha, aha, yes! | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
# Since I wasn't around When you were a kitten | 0:15:31 | 0:15:34 | |
# Here's a father's advice Make sure you listen! | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
# You've got to go to university | 0:15:37 | 0:15:39 | |
# Do media studies It's a useful degree | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
# Sniff loads of glue The feeling's incredible | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
# And never use condoms They make the sex terrible! | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
# Forget what they tell you at school | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
# Aha, aha, aha, yes! | 0:15:51 | 0:15:53 | |
# Smoking makes you look cool | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
# Aha, aha, light up | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
# Keep your PIN number simple Like one, two, three, four | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
# I have mine tattooed on my paw | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
# If a Nigerian prince ever emails | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
# Send him your bank account details | 0:16:06 | 0:16:09 | |
# Instead of a job Play internet poker | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
# But never forget You gots to be a smoker | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
# Forget what they tell you at school | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
# Aha, aha, light up, yeah! | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
# Smoking makes you look cool | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
# Aha, aha, light up | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
# Always accept lift from strangers | 0:16:25 | 0:16:27 | |
# Hitch-hiking's free With very few dangers | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
# Send stuff to newspapers While you're hammered | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
# They published my cartoon Of Prophet Muhammad | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
# Forget what they tell you at school | 0:16:35 | 0:16:39 | |
# Join new religion When you are pissed | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
# Smoking makes you look cool | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
# This is why I am Scientologist | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
# Forget what they tell you at school | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
# Sell a kidney, if you are broke | 0:16:49 | 0:16:51 | |
# Smoking makes you look cool | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
# But never sell a lung, boy Cos you've got to smoke. # | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
Wow, Papa! I think I just became a man. | 0:16:57 | 0:17:01 | |
Yes, you did, my boy. Yes, you did. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
What do you think, Nelson? | 0:17:04 | 0:17:05 | |
Leave me. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
I'm trying to eat chocolate spread, listen to My Chemical Romance | 0:17:07 | 0:17:11 | |
and weep quietly. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:12 | |
Why the big celebration? | 0:17:12 | 0:17:14 | |
No celebration, Marion. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:15 | |
It's Destiny. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
It's all over. For good this time. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
Nelson, this is crazy talk! | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
It is the talk of a suicidal person. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
I am a suicidal person. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
Oh, in that case, makes perfect sense. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
-Sorry for the confusion. -I don't expect you to understand, Marion. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:32 | |
No-one understands me. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
No-one except... | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
So I was wondering...if you'd be up for a suicide pact. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:47 | |
Neil? | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
Chazz Palminteri! | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
# Where is my mind? # | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
This has to be the most romantic thing I've ever seen! | 0:18:09 | 0:18:15 | |
Oh, how could I be so weak? | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
True love means never giving up! | 0:18:17 | 0:18:19 | |
Well, don't you worry, Neil. I'll get you two lovebirds back together | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
if it's the last thing I do! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
GLASS SMASHES | 0:18:25 | 0:18:26 | |
CAR ALARM BLARES | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
Neil, tell me you're not the Subaru. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:31 | |
OK, Feltz. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:36 | |
Time to take this up a notch. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
TAPS FASTER | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
Look. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
If we are going to have sex, you have to promise me | 0:18:47 | 0:18:50 | |
you're going to die during, or immediately after. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
HE WHEEZES | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
Quickly. I just wanted to say thanks. | 0:18:55 | 0:18:56 | |
I was so embarrassed I couldn't read them words on the wall, | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
I went and acquired myself | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
a basic-grade qualification in adult literacy. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:04 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:19:04 | 0:19:05 | |
It has opened up a whole new world to me. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:09 | |
You saucy twat. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
Hurrrgh, yarrgh! | 0:19:14 | 0:19:16 | |
Finally! | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
Cor! There ends the amnesty. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
I'd better take down that Just Giving page. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:22 | |
Cor dear! | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
Come on, then, Nelson. It's rom-com time! | 0:19:30 | 0:19:33 | |
# Walk away if you want to | 0:19:35 | 0:19:42 | |
# It's OK if you need to | 0:19:42 | 0:19:49 | |
# Well, you can run But you can never hide... # | 0:19:49 | 0:19:53 | |
Ah! Forbidden love. How Shakespearean. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
# ..that shadow that's creeping up beside you | 0:19:56 | 0:20:04 | |
# And there's a magic running through your soul | 0:20:04 | 0:20:08 | |
# That you can have it all | 0:20:08 | 0:20:13 | |
# Whatever you do... # | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
Aaarrrgh! | 0:20:15 | 0:20:16 | |
# ..I'll be two steps... # | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
-# ..Wherever you go -And I'll be there to remind you | 0:20:20 | 0:20:27 | |
# That it only takes a minute of your precious time... # | 0:20:27 | 0:20:33 | |
You keep on ringing, Neil. She can't stay in there forever. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
# ..To turn around I'll be two steps behind. # | 0:20:36 | 0:20:41 | |
Oh, Neil. Lost his nerve again. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:42 | |
But then things are always their bleakest before the happy ending. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:47 | |
That's why it's three weddings, then a funeral, THEN a wedding. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:52 | |
Yeah, this really is shaping up to be a classic love story! | 0:20:52 | 0:20:56 | |
Oh, this is going to be so much sweeter knowing I earnt it. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:03 | |
Put that pig down! | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
Says who? | 0:21:05 | 0:21:06 | |
Your stepdaughter, bitch. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
Daddy promised me that toy when I was two. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
Maybe he did. But Daddy died intestate, | 0:21:11 | 0:21:16 | |
so his estate naturally passes over to the spouse. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
Intestate? | 0:21:19 | 0:21:20 | |
This signed and notarised document promises all squeaky toys to me. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:24 | |
What are you going to do about that? | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
I might just lodge a caveat at the probate registry, | 0:21:27 | 0:21:30 | |
preventing a grant of probate without my full notification. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
That's your right. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
Unless I counter-issue you with a warning denying entitlement. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:39 | |
Ahhh! Bitch! | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
THEY GROWL | 0:21:42 | 0:21:43 | |
OINK! | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
Leslie! Where have you been? | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
I have befriended a fox cub, a puppy dog and a young pigeon. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:52 | |
So cute. What do you do? | 0:21:52 | 0:21:54 | |
We deal with the kind of issues that apparently affect young people. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:59 | |
I'm being pressured into sex instead of GCSEs. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
I want to be a DJ but I've been offered drugs. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:08 | |
Bullied via a social networking site. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:12 | |
Come on, guys. You're forgetting the environment! | 0:22:12 | 0:22:17 | |
There is phone number if you have been affected by any of this. | 0:22:17 | 0:22:21 | |
No. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
One other thing. I've had my balls cut off. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
-Why the frig? -I want to be just like you, Papa. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
I want to have no testicles and live in a dustbin. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
It is not as glamorous as you make it sound. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
Marion, I need help. I'm not having any luck getting the humans back together. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:37 | |
If only I could find the perfect present. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
Something adorable that she'd instantly fall in love with. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:43 | |
Women love kittens. I mean, that is a fact. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
Papa? | 0:22:46 | 0:22:47 | |
Son, if my balls have taught me anything, and, believe me, | 0:22:47 | 0:22:51 | |
they haven't, it is that you must let go of the things you love. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:54 | |
-Have you seen the film Little Miss Sunshine? -Yes. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:58 | |
-Does it illustrate my point in any way? -Not really. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
Fair enough, long shot. Should've picked a film I'd seen. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
Fact remains, if I can get you an entry-level position | 0:23:03 | 0:23:07 | |
in a good household, perhaps your mother will forgive me. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:11 | |
If my Papa wills it, so it must be. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
Leslie, I will visit many times. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:18 | |
Regularly to begin. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
Then, as time goes by and it becomes more of a chore, less and less frequently. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:25 | |
Until one day, almost without noticing, | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
I am no longer a part of your life. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:32 | |
Then I will come back one more time to borrow some money. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
Which you will never get back. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
As executor of your late husband's estate, it falls to me to manage | 0:23:41 | 0:23:45 | |
and settle his affairs. And Trixie is named | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
as residuary beneficiary of all her father's assets. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
-Sweet! -One minute, bitch! | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
Is that before or after pecuniary gifts? | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
What part of "residuary beneficiary" don't you understand, tart? | 0:23:56 | 0:24:00 | |
There are no pecuniary gifts, Destiny. She's sole beneficiary. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:04 | |
Well, not according to this codicil, she ain't. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:07 | |
-Give that to me. -Oh, what are you going to do, revoke it(?) | 0:24:07 | 0:24:10 | |
Revoke this, you slag! | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
THEY GRUNT | 0:24:13 | 0:24:14 | |
Silence! I'll have you both in contempt. Silence! | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
OINK! OINK OINK! | 0:24:17 | 0:24:18 | |
BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY | 0:24:18 | 0:24:19 | |
-Silence! -OINK! OINK! OINNK... | 0:24:19 | 0:24:22 | |
Oh, bloody hell. Think I've broken it. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
Yep. No, I have. I've broken it. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
-Not interested. -Forget it then. -Right. Next case. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
The estate of Beatrix Potter versus Vincent Fox. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:33 | |
-Oh, dear! -Look, for the last time, | 0:24:33 | 0:24:36 | |
-I created the character of Jemima Bucket -BLEEP | 0:24:36 | 0:24:40 | |
in good faith. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
For fuck's sake. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
# Hallelujah! # | 0:24:54 | 0:24:56 | |
Yes! Bo! Boom-shack-a-lack-a-lack-a-lack-a! | 0:24:56 | 0:24:59 | |
I took you down, Feltz! I took you all the way down! | 0:24:59 | 0:25:05 | |
I took you down to Chinatown! | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
Oh, my gosh, this feels good! Ha ha! | 0:25:07 | 0:25:10 | |
Oh, my neck does ache though. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
Oh, my God. Wow. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
Oh, it's not until you stop. Jeez. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
God! | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
-Ta-da! -What? | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
Our two lovers, from the park. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
I've finally engineered a meeting between them. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
See, Marion and I have been busy bees. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
We smuggled Leslie in as a special surprise. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
Then borrowed a door key and snuck into Timpsons. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
Then Marion delivered the key to our male. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:42 | |
I made sure there'd be no interruptions | 0:25:42 | 0:25:43 | |
by disconnecting Denise's landline. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
Then there was nothing left to do so I just read for a bit. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:50 | |
Then I nearly went for a swim but it's a weekend | 0:25:50 | 0:25:54 | |
so it'd just be full of kids. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
I'm straying from the point. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
Why, Nelson? | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
Why are you even doing this? | 0:26:01 | 0:26:02 | |
Because...I was thinking if you saw that the human us, | 0:26:02 | 0:26:07 | |
Well, if they could... Well, then maybe there's hope for us. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:12 | |
Oh, you total loser! | 0:26:12 | 0:26:14 | |
But here comes Neil! | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
Oh, please stay. This'll be like the sweetest rom-com moment ever. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:20 | |
Well, she does look surprised. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
Oh, just look at that face! Priceless. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
She don't look happy, Nelson. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
Well, if she'd only stop screaming and listen to what he has to say. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:32 | |
Who's that other guy? | 0:26:32 | 0:26:33 | |
Oh! The boyfriend! He's supposed to be out. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
Come on, Neil, stand up for yourself. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
Oh, there's a turn-up. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:40 | |
-Did you know he was bringing a gun? -I must be honest, no. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:43 | |
-SHOTGUN BLAST STACEY: -Aaargh! | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
-SHOTGUN BLAST NEIL: -God, help me! | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
SHOTGUN BLAST | 0:26:47 | 0:26:48 | |
# You say it best... # | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
Richard Curtis, I am not. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:52 | |
# When you say nothing at all. # | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
So what happened with this human? | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
Yeah. Played out as bit of an oddball | 0:27:00 | 0:27:02 | |
rom-com in the end. Bit left-field. | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
Three funerals, no wedding. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:05 | |
What a total frigging psycho! | 0:27:05 | 0:27:09 | |
Ho-ho ho-ho ho! He was. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
He really, REALLY was. Huh-huh! | 0:27:11 | 0:27:13 | |
And, can I just say, nothing like me. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:17 | |
# Ain't no sunshine When she's gone... # | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
BLUBBERS UNCONTROLLABLY | 0:27:20 | 0:27:23 | |
# ..Only darkness every day. # | 0:27:23 | 0:27:26 | |
So... | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
My son, I will never forgive myself for leading you into that house of death. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:33 | |
Oy, the humanity. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:35 | |
But remember, not a word to your mother | 0:27:35 | 0:27:38 | |
or she ma-a-ay restrict my access. | 0:27:38 | 0:27:40 | |
Not a word about what? | 0:27:40 | 0:27:41 | |
The fact he's covered in blood | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
or the fact he's got no balls? | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
Farewell, Papa. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
All the best for the future. Don't suppose you've got £5? | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
And how's Miss Feltz? | 0:27:51 | 0:27:52 | |
Yeah, I've put all that behind me. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:54 | |
I got two seconds' satisfaction and felt empty again. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:57 | |
So I found something more fulfilling in my life. | 0:27:57 | 0:27:59 | |
-You've moved onto someone else, haven't you? -No. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:02 | |
PAGER BEEPS | 0:28:02 | 0:28:03 | |
Yeah. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
That's right, Anthea. I've got as long as it takes. | 0:28:05 | 0:28:09 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:16 | 0:28:19 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:28:19 | 0:28:22 | |
OINK! OINK! DESTINY: Ha ha ha ha! | 0:28:31 | 0:28:33 |