Episode 6 Mongrels


Episode 6

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Transcript


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Ah! I love people-watching.

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They really are THE most fascinating creatures.

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-Has he gone yet?

-Gary?

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No. Still looking for you.

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Well, I ain't going back out there.

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-Not while he's wearing those!

-Yes.

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-Yes they are rather tight, aren't they?

-Earlier, when he sat down...

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I saw summink.

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Humans are just like us, aren't they?

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Look, that young girl could be Kali.

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And that gentleman of the road, Marion.

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Look, there's Vince, beating up small children

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for their packed lunches.

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-Good morning

-BLEEP.

-Who fancies a Robinson's Fruit Shoot?

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No, thanks, Vince.

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Oi, look! That's like the human version of me.

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Stacey Solomon! So it is.

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Oop! And who's this eager swain come to chance his heart?

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Ha ha ha! It's you! It's the human Nelson!

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That's ridiculous. He's not like me.

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Patsy Kensit. Will I ever find true love?

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Don't want to play this game any more.

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# La la la la

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# La la la laaa la

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# La la la la laaaa. #

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Then he picked up some fish from Waitrose, wrapped it in pastry,

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30 minutes in the oven and bang! Salmon-en-croute,

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ready in time for Rebus.

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So very, very interesting.

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Is he still banging on about that cock from the park?

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Come on. It's not every day you find your human counterpart.

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And he is such a cool guy.

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He's a rat-faced ginger virgin called Neil.

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Well, let me tell you something, Kali.

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That's what they said about Neil Kinnock.

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And he's got a... wife, now. So.

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If this Neil is so sexy,

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why don't you go off and live beside his dustbin? Hmm? Hmm?

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HMM?

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Oi, Nelson, you otter's knob!

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Remember at the park when I was hiding from Gary in those pervy shorts?

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Well, I waited until he went out and then I snuck upstairs,

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went into his wardrobe

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and I opened all the drawers and then I couldn't find his shorts.

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So I stabbed his hamster.

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Oh, Hamish. I barely knew ye.

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Anyway bye!

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I should get going, too, actually.

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I'm meant to be over at Vanessa Feltz's place.

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Serious? You're still doing that?

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Hells, yeah, bitch. I'm in for it for as long as it takes.

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DULL TAPPING

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That's right, Feltz.

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Try to ignore it.

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I ain't going nowhere.

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Behold! All that is Neil.

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Wow!

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He's got a lot of exotic loose-leaf tea.

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-Whittard's. Up a bit.

-Ah, yes.

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What's the human me doing now?

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Nothing interesting. Moving some furniture, pottering around...

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Uh-oh.

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I just seen a cat I used to go out with.

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I really don't want a conversation with her.

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It didn't end well.

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EERIE MUSIC

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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Die, daughter of Dracul!

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Argh!

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Apparently she wasn't a wampire,

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just had these two pointy teeth.

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Which I later discovered all cats do.

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Hey, look at me Nelson, I have pointy teeth.

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I am wampire, too! Hey!

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Hey! Heyyy!

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Hello, Marion.

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Hello, Jasmine.

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How's things?

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I see the heart surgery went well.

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Last time I saw you, you were stray.

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Eating out of the dustbins behind a dodgy pub.

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What are you up to these days?

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Marion, think of something she will not suspect is lies.

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Now I've heard you say that part, I'll hardly believe...

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I am currently head of European marketing at GlaxoSmithKline.

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Oh, you have child.

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Yes. He's...since we split up.

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Hello, esteemed friend of my mother.

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-A fine lad! His father must be very proud.

-Indeed, he is!

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If only I had such a strapping son.

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If only I knew who that father was.

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Oh! Derek Bentley!

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Marion, we need to get in there!

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Mother, who was that awesome cat?

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Well, I suppose I can't keep it from you forever.

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Leslie, that imbecile, he... he was the one

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who stabbed me through the heart with a sharpened towel rail.

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No!

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Also, he's your dad.

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At last!

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I have found my father!

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On the downside I've also discovered that my mother...bit of a slag.

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Jesus, Gary, why?

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It's like I can feel it looking at me.

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Come on lads. My dog can pass better than that.

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Oh, God, this is boring.

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Look at this poor old bastard! Gone to sleep.

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I heard that young man.

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Urgh-urr-urgh.

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Do you always make that noise?

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No offence, disgusting. Truly.

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I may be old but I still have my pleasures in life.

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Nnnnrgh.

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A pig toy? Show me something I haven't seen.

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OINK! OINK! OINK!

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Ah-ha ha ha ha!

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It's a pig and it makes a noise like a pig. It works on two levels.

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OINK! Ah-ha ha ha ha!

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OINK! Ah-ha ha ha ha!

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Ha ha! SHE GRUNTS LIKE A PIG

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Ah-ha ha ha! Nah, bored, novelty's worn off.

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OINK! Ah-ha ha ha ha!

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It hadn't worn off. I was just temporarily jaded!

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Oh, my days! I have to have it.

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Tired now, Bubala.

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Leave me alone.

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Please, let me have it.

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Would you like me to dance for ya?

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So, is this doing anything for you?

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Not sexually, no.

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But they tell me shapes and colours are very good

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stimulation to help stave off the dementia.

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Urrrgh, mmm. Urrrgh.

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So go on, keep going.

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Yeah. Just like that. There's a good girl.

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Urgh. Mmm.

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NEIL GURGLES

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THEY GASP

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Hang in there, big man, we're getting you down.

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Why suicide, Neil?

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You're an eBay Powerseller AND you've got an Amazon Kindle!

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You are quite literally living la vida.

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Oh. It's that girl from the park.

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Suddenly it starts to make sense.

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Papa?

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It is me.

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I think...

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I am your son!

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I don't believe it!

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He has a child.

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You selfish bastard!

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You're losing your grip now, Feltz.

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I can see it.

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Let it go.

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It's weird. You think I'd feel younger standing next to you.

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But it's like I'm constantly being reminded that every second that goes past

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takes me closer to being a stinking, sagging,

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wheezing sack of death, like you.

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You repulsive old bastard.

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And yet you've got Oinky Pig.

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And for that reason, I do.

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Thank you, Destiny, for those...lovely vows.

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I now pronounce you husband and wife.

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-Yay!

-You may now kiss your bride.

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Get off me, pervert!

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That's it then. It's just you, me and Oinky Pig!

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Ooh, no, you don't.

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No-one touches the Oinky Pig but me.

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He even came with me that time I appeared in

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one of the early Harry Potter films.

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Quite amusing actually.

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No.

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No, no, it's gone.

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Not a bad morning's work, eh, Kali?

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Saving a suicidal man.

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Big deal. I help suicidal people all the time.

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You want to grind the pills up, yeah?

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And use a decent vodka, else you won't keep it down.

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Hello? Hello?

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Ha! One for the board!

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Three more, I get a box of doughnuts.

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Brap.

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Now all I have to do is improve Neil's love life

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and he'll be absolutely fine.

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Forget it match-dot-cock.

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You got no chance.

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My friends, say hello to my son Leslie.

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Brethren!

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You got access?

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His mother agreed I can see him every week!

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So long as nothing terrible happens!

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So, you're the Guvnor's son, are you?

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-What?

-Well, round here, we call this guy the Guvnor.

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-No, we don't.

-Know why?

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Because everyone respects him. Because he's a cool guy.

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No, he ain't.

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What you winking at me for? I think he's a twat.

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Oh, that's just the kind of banter we share round here!

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Isn't that right, the Guvnor?

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Nelson, who are you talking to?

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It's... It's... Oh, never mind. Carry on.

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So, what would you like to do today?

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I want my boy to have all the things in life I have missed out on.

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What, like testicles?

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-What's she talking about, Papa?

-Oh, ho ho ho! You ain't told him?

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-There are subjects I haven't got round...

-Your dad's got no balls!

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-Kali!

-Kid's got a right to know, Guv.

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It's OK, Papa. Truly, there is no shame in it.

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There is deep shame in it.

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-Leslie.

-You're a very nasty pigeon.

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-Yeah, yeah.

-PAGER BEEPS

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Oop. It's Vanessa time!

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Again? How long have you been doing that?

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# So here it is, merry Christmas... #

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# You're beautiful You're beautiful... #

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# In your Easter bonnet... #

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# Woah! We're going to Ibiza... #

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ADDAMS FAMILY THEME PLAYS

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# So here it is... #

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Two days.

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Yes, yes. Very droll.

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No, really. It's actually quite sad.

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I think she's got some kind of mental illness.

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OK, Neil. Operation True Romance,

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stage one, winning the lady's heart.

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If I've learnt anything from Audrey Hepburn films,

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it's that women love a mink!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Arrrgh!

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Huh, maybe not all women.

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Who's there? I know there's someone there.

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What's going on?

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SHE SQUEALS

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Listen, pal. You stay away or you'll have me to answer to.

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Looks like we've got ourselves a little love triangle.

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Ha ha ha! Oh, classic rom-com!

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Here's where I live. Not that you'll remember.

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Senile old prick.

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Senile?

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Let me remind you about the time I appeared on

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the canine version of Mastermind!

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Expelliamus!

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See, that's totally the wrong flashback.

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You were meant to have that ten minutes ago.

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Oh, dear.

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Clive Dunn! Destiny, I didn't know granddad was visiting!

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-He's not my granddad, you wolf's perineum. He's my husband.

-Husband?!

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Married him for his Oinky Pig. Now I'm waiting for him to die.

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Oh. No. It's just...

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I always thought I'd be your first husband.

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No, I know, there's still plenty of time for us but...

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Nelson! Let me stop you there. For some time now I've made it clear I don't fancy you.

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I've expressed this through verbal abuse, physical violence,

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and, in one case, by having six tonnes of toxic sludge

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deposited in your den.

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That was you?

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Gosh, I owe Tesco Direct an apology!

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I tried all of those things and they failed.

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So, today, I'm going to try something different.

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I'm going to talk and I want you to listen.

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And this is real.

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This is not banter.

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I'm not even going to shout at you because I know you'll think that,

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underneath all that aggression,

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there's some kind of sexual tension.

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There isn't.

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And I don't say this to be cruel.

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The cruel thing would be to let you carry on in the misguided belief

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that there's anything there.

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At all.

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Because there's nothing.

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Nothing.

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Literally nothing.

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This ends now.

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The end of us.

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Well, not that there ever was, or ever will be, an "us".

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Never.

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Genuinely never.

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Never, never, never.

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Now, is there anything you want to say?

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Erm, just...thank you.

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-Thank you for being honest.

-That's OK.

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You coming back to the bins?

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No. No, I just want to...stay here.

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Finish my coffee.

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Right that's him dealt with!

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Just leaves you.

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Hold the spray can.

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WHISTLES

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-Afternoon,

-BLEEP!

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All right, Vince. My husband here said he had a message for ya.

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Oh, dear.

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Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

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Those words make me very angry.

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-Do you know why?

-Hello.

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Because...because I never learnt how to read.

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Oh, for Christ's sake!

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I don't want sympathy. It's me own fault.

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I dropped out of school early for an apprenticeship.

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Mind you, that did end badly.

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And all right, I got the costings wrong on the salad dressing.

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-But, I mean, what kind of

-BLEEP

-team name is Symposium anyway?

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So, you watch the football?

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-You what, sorry, mate?

-Arsenal or Manchester?

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Nah, actually I'm doing a little bit to camera here.

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-Sorry, thought you were talking to me.

-No, well, I wasn't.

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Anyway, dessert was nice. Seven!

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Hang on.

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Teach me how to read, old-timer.

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Teach me what you've written on the wall.

0:14:150:14:17

Yeah, go on. Teach him.

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Well, let's see now. It says...

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Vince...

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Oh! That's me! Yeah, my name's Vince. Carry on.

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Vince...is...a...

0:14:270:14:29

Now I know the next letter.

0:14:290:14:31

That's a curly 'cuh', innit?

0:14:310:14:33

So Vince is a c...

0:14:330:14:35

Vince i-is...a...

0:14:350:14:39

BLEEP.

0:14:390:14:41

-You what, sweetheart?

-BLEEP.

-Vince is a

-BLEEP.

0:14:410:14:45

I can't hear you, sugarlump. Speak up.

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-Vince is a

-BLEEP!

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-Did you just call me a

-BLEEP?

0:14:500:14:52

Oh! Look, Vince, I just want you to kill my elderly husband.

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Now if that's too much to ask...

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Matter of fact, it is.

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I'm doing a sponsored non-violence month in aid of cystic fibrosis.

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-So if you want to kill your husband why not just

-BLEEP

-him to death.

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I mean, that's how we said goodbye to my old dad.

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This may sound crazy, my boy.

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But one day, you will meet right person.

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You, too, will want your balls cut off.

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Don't think I will, Papa.

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Ah, my boy, so much you have to learn.

0:15:200:15:25

# Aha, aha, yes!

0:15:250:15:28

# Since I wasn't around When you were a kitten

0:15:310:15:34

# Here's a father's advice Make sure you listen!

0:15:340:15:37

# You've got to go to university

0:15:370:15:39

# Do media studies It's a useful degree

0:15:390:15:42

# Sniff loads of glue The feeling's incredible

0:15:420:15:45

# And never use condoms They make the sex terrible!

0:15:450:15:48

# Forget what they tell you at school

0:15:480:15:51

# Aha, aha, aha, yes!

0:15:510:15:53

# Smoking makes you look cool

0:15:530:15:56

# Aha, aha, light up

0:15:560:15:58

# Keep your PIN number simple Like one, two, three, four

0:15:580:16:01

# I have mine tattooed on my paw

0:16:010:16:03

# If a Nigerian prince ever emails

0:16:030:16:06

# Send him your bank account details

0:16:060:16:09

# Instead of a job Play internet poker

0:16:090:16:12

# But never forget You gots to be a smoker

0:16:120:16:14

# Forget what they tell you at school

0:16:140:16:17

# Aha, aha, light up, yeah!

0:16:170:16:19

# Smoking makes you look cool

0:16:190:16:22

# Aha, aha, light up

0:16:220:16:25

# Always accept lift from strangers

0:16:250:16:27

# Hitch-hiking's free With very few dangers

0:16:270:16:30

# Send stuff to newspapers While you're hammered

0:16:300:16:33

# They published my cartoon Of Prophet Muhammad

0:16:330:16:35

# Forget what they tell you at school

0:16:350:16:39

# Join new religion When you are pissed

0:16:390:16:41

# Smoking makes you look cool

0:16:410:16:44

# This is why I am Scientologist

0:16:440:16:46

# Forget what they tell you at school

0:16:460:16:49

# Sell a kidney, if you are broke

0:16:490:16:51

# Smoking makes you look cool

0:16:510:16:54

# But never sell a lung, boy Cos you've got to smoke. #

0:16:540:16:57

Wow, Papa! I think I just became a man.

0:16:570:17:01

Yes, you did, my boy. Yes, you did.

0:17:010:17:04

What do you think, Nelson?

0:17:040:17:05

Leave me.

0:17:050:17:07

I'm trying to eat chocolate spread, listen to My Chemical Romance

0:17:070:17:11

and weep quietly.

0:17:110:17:12

Why the big celebration?

0:17:120:17:14

No celebration, Marion.

0:17:140:17:15

It's Destiny.

0:17:150:17:17

It's all over. For good this time.

0:17:170:17:19

Nelson, this is crazy talk!

0:17:190:17:21

It is the talk of a suicidal person.

0:17:210:17:23

I am a suicidal person.

0:17:230:17:25

Oh, in that case, makes perfect sense.

0:17:250:17:28

-Sorry for the confusion.

-I don't expect you to understand, Marion.

0:17:280:17:32

No-one understands me.

0:17:320:17:34

No-one except...

0:17:340:17:36

So I was wondering...if you'd be up for a suicide pact.

0:17:430:17:47

Neil?

0:17:470:17:49

Chazz Palminteri!

0:17:520:17:54

# Where is my mind? #

0:18:060:18:09

This has to be the most romantic thing I've ever seen!

0:18:090:18:15

Oh, how could I be so weak?

0:18:150:18:17

True love means never giving up!

0:18:170:18:19

Well, don't you worry, Neil. I'll get you two lovebirds back together

0:18:190:18:23

if it's the last thing I do!

0:18:230:18:25

GLASS SMASHES

0:18:250:18:26

CAR ALARM BLARES

0:18:260:18:28

Neil, tell me you're not the Subaru.

0:18:280:18:31

OK, Feltz.

0:18:350:18:36

Time to take this up a notch.

0:18:360:18:39

TAPS FASTER

0:18:390:18:41

Look.

0:18:450:18:47

If we are going to have sex, you have to promise me

0:18:470:18:50

you're going to die during, or immediately after.

0:18:500:18:53

HE WHEEZES

0:18:530:18:55

Quickly. I just wanted to say thanks.

0:18:550:18:56

I was so embarrassed I couldn't read them words on the wall,

0:18:560:18:59

I went and acquired myself

0:18:590:19:01

a basic-grade qualification in adult literacy.

0:19:010:19:04

APPLAUSE

0:19:040:19:05

It has opened up a whole new world to me.

0:19:050:19:09

You saucy twat.

0:19:120:19:14

Hurrrgh, yarrgh!

0:19:140:19:16

Finally!

0:19:160:19:18

Cor! There ends the amnesty.

0:19:180:19:20

I'd better take down that Just Giving page.

0:19:200:19:22

Cor dear!

0:19:220:19:24

Come on, then, Nelson. It's rom-com time!

0:19:300:19:33

# Walk away if you want to

0:19:350:19:42

# It's OK if you need to

0:19:420:19:49

# Well, you can run But you can never hide... #

0:19:490:19:53

Ah! Forbidden love. How Shakespearean.

0:19:530:19:56

# ..that shadow that's creeping up beside you

0:19:560:20:04

# And there's a magic running through your soul

0:20:040:20:08

# That you can have it all

0:20:080:20:13

# Whatever you do... #

0:20:130:20:15

Aaarrrgh!

0:20:150:20:16

# ..I'll be two steps... #

0:20:160:20:18

DOORBELL RINGS

0:20:180:20:20

-# ..Wherever you go

-And I'll be there to remind you

0:20:200:20:27

# That it only takes a minute of your precious time... #

0:20:270:20:33

You keep on ringing, Neil. She can't stay in there forever.

0:20:330:20:36

# ..To turn around I'll be two steps behind. #

0:20:360:20:41

Oh, Neil. Lost his nerve again.

0:20:410:20:42

But then things are always their bleakest before the happy ending.

0:20:420:20:47

That's why it's three weddings, then a funeral, THEN a wedding.

0:20:470:20:52

Yeah, this really is shaping up to be a classic love story!

0:20:520:20:56

Oh, this is going to be so much sweeter knowing I earnt it.

0:20:580:21:03

Put that pig down!

0:21:030:21:05

Says who?

0:21:050:21:06

Your stepdaughter, bitch.

0:21:060:21:09

Daddy promised me that toy when I was two.

0:21:090:21:11

Maybe he did. But Daddy died intestate,

0:21:110:21:16

so his estate naturally passes over to the spouse.

0:21:160:21:19

Intestate?

0:21:190:21:20

This signed and notarised document promises all squeaky toys to me.

0:21:200:21:24

What are you going to do about that?

0:21:240:21:27

I might just lodge a caveat at the probate registry,

0:21:270:21:30

preventing a grant of probate without my full notification.

0:21:300:21:33

That's your right.

0:21:330:21:35

Unless I counter-issue you with a warning denying entitlement.

0:21:350:21:39

Ahhh! Bitch!

0:21:390:21:42

THEY GROWL

0:21:420:21:43

OINK!

0:21:430:21:46

Leslie! Where have you been?

0:21:460:21:48

I have befriended a fox cub, a puppy dog and a young pigeon.

0:21:480:21:52

So cute. What do you do?

0:21:520:21:54

We deal with the kind of issues that apparently affect young people.

0:21:540:21:59

I'm being pressured into sex instead of GCSEs.

0:22:000:22:03

I want to be a DJ but I've been offered drugs.

0:22:030:22:08

Bullied via a social networking site.

0:22:080:22:12

Come on, guys. You're forgetting the environment!

0:22:120:22:17

There is phone number if you have been affected by any of this.

0:22:170:22:21

No.

0:22:210:22:23

One other thing. I've had my balls cut off.

0:22:230:22:25

-Why the frig?

-I want to be just like you, Papa.

0:22:250:22:27

I want to have no testicles and live in a dustbin.

0:22:270:22:30

It is not as glamorous as you make it sound.

0:22:300:22:33

Marion, I need help. I'm not having any luck getting the humans back together.

0:22:330:22:37

If only I could find the perfect present.

0:22:370:22:39

Something adorable that she'd instantly fall in love with.

0:22:390:22:43

Women love kittens. I mean, that is a fact.

0:22:430:22:46

Papa?

0:22:460:22:47

Son, if my balls have taught me anything, and, believe me,

0:22:470:22:51

they haven't, it is that you must let go of the things you love.

0:22:510:22:54

-Have you seen the film Little Miss Sunshine?

-Yes.

0:22:540:22:58

-Does it illustrate my point in any way?

-Not really.

0:22:580:23:00

Fair enough, long shot. Should've picked a film I'd seen.

0:23:000:23:03

Fact remains, if I can get you an entry-level position

0:23:030:23:07

in a good household, perhaps your mother will forgive me.

0:23:070:23:11

If my Papa wills it, so it must be.

0:23:110:23:14

Leslie, I will visit many times.

0:23:140:23:18

Regularly to begin.

0:23:180:23:20

Then, as time goes by and it becomes more of a chore, less and less frequently.

0:23:200:23:25

Until one day, almost without noticing,

0:23:250:23:28

I am no longer a part of your life.

0:23:280:23:32

Then I will come back one more time to borrow some money.

0:23:320:23:35

Which you will never get back.

0:23:350:23:38

As executor of your late husband's estate, it falls to me to manage

0:23:410:23:45

and settle his affairs. And Trixie is named

0:23:450:23:47

as residuary beneficiary of all her father's assets.

0:23:470:23:50

-Sweet!

-One minute, bitch!

0:23:500:23:53

Is that before or after pecuniary gifts?

0:23:530:23:56

What part of "residuary beneficiary" don't you understand, tart?

0:23:560:24:00

There are no pecuniary gifts, Destiny. She's sole beneficiary.

0:24:000:24:04

Well, not according to this codicil, she ain't.

0:24:040:24:07

-Give that to me.

-Oh, what are you going to do, revoke it(?)

0:24:070:24:10

Revoke this, you slag!

0:24:100:24:13

THEY GRUNT

0:24:130:24:14

Silence! I'll have you both in contempt. Silence!

0:24:140:24:17

OINK! OINK OINK!

0:24:170:24:18

BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

0:24:180:24:19

-Silence!

-OINK! OINK! OINNK...

0:24:190:24:22

Oh, bloody hell. Think I've broken it.

0:24:220:24:24

Yep. No, I have. I've broken it.

0:24:240:24:26

-Not interested.

-Forget it then.

-Right. Next case.

0:24:260:24:29

The estate of Beatrix Potter versus Vincent Fox.

0:24:290:24:33

-Oh, dear!

-Look, for the last time,

0:24:330:24:36

-I created the character of Jemima Bucket

-BLEEP

0:24:360:24:40

in good faith.

0:24:400:24:43

For fuck's sake.

0:24:520:24:54

# Hallelujah! #

0:24:540:24:56

Yes! Bo! Boom-shack-a-lack-a-lack-a-lack-a!

0:24:560:24:59

I took you down, Feltz! I took you all the way down!

0:24:590:25:05

I took you down to Chinatown!

0:25:050:25:07

Oh, my gosh, this feels good! Ha ha!

0:25:070:25:10

Oh, my neck does ache though.

0:25:100:25:13

Oh, my God. Wow.

0:25:130:25:15

Oh, it's not until you stop. Jeez.

0:25:150:25:18

God!

0:25:180:25:20

-Ta-da!

-What?

0:25:220:25:24

Our two lovers, from the park.

0:25:240:25:26

I've finally engineered a meeting between them.

0:25:260:25:29

See, Marion and I have been busy bees.

0:25:290:25:32

We smuggled Leslie in as a special surprise.

0:25:320:25:35

Then borrowed a door key and snuck into Timpsons.

0:25:350:25:37

Then Marion delivered the key to our male.

0:25:370:25:42

I made sure there'd be no interruptions

0:25:420:25:43

by disconnecting Denise's landline.

0:25:430:25:45

Then there was nothing left to do so I just read for a bit.

0:25:450:25:50

Then I nearly went for a swim but it's a weekend

0:25:500:25:54

so it'd just be full of kids.

0:25:540:25:56

I'm straying from the point.

0:25:560:25:59

Why, Nelson?

0:25:590:26:01

Why are you even doing this?

0:26:010:26:02

Because...I was thinking if you saw that the human us,

0:26:020:26:07

Well, if they could... Well, then maybe there's hope for us.

0:26:070:26:12

Oh, you total loser!

0:26:120:26:14

But here comes Neil!

0:26:140:26:16

Oh, please stay. This'll be like the sweetest rom-com moment ever.

0:26:160:26:20

Well, she does look surprised.

0:26:220:26:25

Oh, just look at that face! Priceless.

0:26:250:26:27

She don't look happy, Nelson.

0:26:270:26:29

Well, if she'd only stop screaming and listen to what he has to say.

0:26:290:26:32

Who's that other guy?

0:26:320:26:33

Oh! The boyfriend! He's supposed to be out.

0:26:330:26:36

Come on, Neil, stand up for yourself.

0:26:360:26:38

Oh, there's a turn-up.

0:26:380:26:40

-Did you know he was bringing a gun?

-I must be honest, no.

0:26:400:26:43

-SHOTGUN BLAST STACEY:

-Aaargh!

0:26:430:26:45

-SHOTGUN BLAST NEIL:

-God, help me!

0:26:450:26:47

SHOTGUN BLAST

0:26:470:26:48

# You say it best... #

0:26:480:26:51

Richard Curtis, I am not.

0:26:510:26:52

# When you say nothing at all. #

0:26:520:26:54

So what happened with this human?

0:26:580:27:00

Yeah. Played out as bit of an oddball

0:27:000:27:02

rom-com in the end. Bit left-field.

0:27:020:27:04

Three funerals, no wedding.

0:27:040:27:05

What a total frigging psycho!

0:27:050:27:09

Ho-ho ho-ho ho! He was.

0:27:090:27:11

He really, REALLY was. Huh-huh!

0:27:110:27:13

And, can I just say, nothing like me.

0:27:130:27:17

# Ain't no sunshine When she's gone... #

0:27:170:27:20

BLUBBERS UNCONTROLLABLY

0:27:200:27:23

# ..Only darkness every day. #

0:27:230:27:26

So...

0:27:260:27:28

My son, I will never forgive myself for leading you into that house of death.

0:27:280:27:33

Oy, the humanity.

0:27:330:27:35

But remember, not a word to your mother

0:27:350:27:38

or she ma-a-ay restrict my access.

0:27:380:27:40

Not a word about what?

0:27:400:27:41

The fact he's covered in blood

0:27:410:27:43

or the fact he's got no balls?

0:27:430:27:46

Farewell, Papa.

0:27:460:27:48

All the best for the future. Don't suppose you've got £5?

0:27:480:27:51

And how's Miss Feltz?

0:27:510:27:52

Yeah, I've put all that behind me.

0:27:520:27:54

I got two seconds' satisfaction and felt empty again.

0:27:540:27:57

So I found something more fulfilling in my life.

0:27:570:27:59

-You've moved onto someone else, haven't you?

-No.

0:27:590:28:02

PAGER BEEPS

0:28:020:28:03

Yeah.

0:28:030:28:05

That's right, Anthea. I've got as long as it takes.

0:28:050:28:09

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:160:28:19

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:190:28:22

OINK! OINK! DESTINY: Ha ha ha ha!

0:28:310:28:33

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