Episode 7 Mongrels

This programme contains very strong Are you filming this? That is

adorable. Ah, I wonder how he got in there?

Someone help. That rat stole my Someone help. That rat stole my

Compromise, I will let you keep the little peas, please.

Oh, I wonder if my head would fit through that tyre.

LAUGHTER Please, please, why are you filming

this? Look at there, you are loving The thing I find most amazing seven

of our firemen and women work through the night toe set you free

and then give up. . I don't suppose anyone has AA

membership. I believe it retails in the

region... Does that take into account inflation? Disrespect, you

got schooled, biatch. When you are alone you have got to

cry. At least you made YouTube's most

viewed. You are an iconic star. LAUGHTER

No fair play, Nelson, good one. Snoom I am on fire and so quick.

You are like Michael McIntyre on speed. Can I quote you on that?

Just getting some material together should I wish to go down the stand-

up route. Rosie. Rosie. Rosie.

Yes. You slag. Oh. All right you lot? Just

catching up with me mates. Lovely stuff. That's what noise?

What noise? That noise. I can't hear anything.

It is like really high-pitched squealing.

I wasn't aware Leona Lewis had a single out.

I would like to withdraw my quote. It is like it is coming from in the

pub. Right Marion, let's get you out

that tyre. I am sure I have got some cocoa in the den.

Just getting the second wave. Dr Christian Jessen - who is he out of

interest? We just need to need to get our

hands on that planning application. It is impossible.

Nothing is impossible with the help of a a trench coat. Ha-ha, hop on

my learned friend. The problem is A, we are only three

feet tall and B, we still have the face of a fox.

You're standing on my inner-tube. Alternatively we just go in through

the open window. Which would be easier.

Ah, someone is watching me on YouTube. Look at the joy on their

faces. I am like that retarded kid who made the stupid Star Wars.

I am into the doing it again. Gary, he is building a smoking area.

He is concreting over my den. Someone is coming.

Arch. I am looking for the bureau of

maintenance. Next door down. Danke.

That was too close. Come on. It is definitely coming from around

here. Oh one of them things with

chocolate in it. Were you knocking? You came,

finally someone heard my distress whistle.

That noise was you, you goose penis. We are all in darning. In danger.

It is your owner, Gary, they sent you, didn't they, the CIA?

FBI? No. MI6? The Bilderberg Group?

The Freemasons? Parcelforce?

Bastards. Any time between 9am and 9pm.

OK, you big mental fruitcakeks lovely you to meet you back in your

box. You haven't heard the truth about

this place. That's why Gary stuck me down here because I know too

much. Take me with with you and I will tell you everything.

Anything to stop that stupid noise. Bloody hell.

Well, it is all here, you will lose your home within 24 hours. Joanna

Lumley and the Ghurkhas. It is OK, I have seen the acclaimed

Disney Pixar movie many times, Up. I can sell your property. I have

abducted a fat boy scout. Anyone remember what happens next? Doif Do

I have any legal grounds for appeal?

I will tell you why because you are a fox.

That's it. I will have to move away from my Destiny.

There is one clause in the planning permission if your bin store was

the hab hat of an -- habitat of an endangered species. Would you mind

removing that overweight child from my office.

OK, back on fire. Just found him in some box, he has

been in there years. What have you been doing that time? Thinking and

using my mind as a weapon against those who would seek to destroy me

and snoozing, I would estimate 99.9% snoozing, but I have mmplt E.

I have MEP Of course, you do, the old Yuppy Flu.

It It exists, it is a real condition, just like post-traumatic

stress disorder. I have started getting a lot of

loops, a lot more attention. I got total strangers giving me sugar

cubes. Just go on and on and on. This is

kind of what I'm on about. Hand off me leg. I said, stop touching me.

Neigh means neigh. Chums, would anyone happen to know

a Greater Horseshoe Bat? A Eurasian River Otter, a bottle nosed dolphin.

Zone two, close to shops and local amenities, 200 pcm, very began

preferred. -- vegga preferred.

What was so important that you called me? It is this pub. I know

where the bodies are buried. Where? The headstones. These where

they are. I can't read the names. Then I

can't read so I don't know why I'm doing the polishing thing.

Cindy, Flossy, Dougal, these are the graves of your predecessors.

What predecessors? Gary never told you about the others? Then guysI

think you better come with me. Alternatively I tell you where we

are going and I come with you. Zer Zero applies to the ads so far.

I have to step up my search for an endangered flatmate.

(BLEEP) Vince. Arch. (BLEEP) Hello, you wouldn't happen to know any

endangered species. When I was a cub, my nanny took me

to the dentist and then afterwards as a treat we went to the Woburn

Safari Park. The rhino does that help? Not really.

Bravo Nelson, bravo indeed. You see Charlie, and this is going

to come as a shock, you are adopted. What are you on about? I am now

your legal guardian. I have the adoption papers right here.

Those? They are me Press shots. I send them out to every mug who

sponsors me. You thought you paid �39 a year and you got legal cos

toddy of a real live chimp. It is not made clear. This, not a

legally binding document. Could I just run that that past my

badger? Be my guest, pal. Nels son, always read the small

print. Terms and conditions. I am sure

they are fine and accept. I am your first-born. You are

joking me. Where does that say that? Scroll down. Scroll down.

Scroll down. Scroll down. There! No, hands up, I should have

scrolled down and I haven't. And your e-mail address and we

think multi-messages which might be of interest.

Come off it. I don't suppose you would be

interested in sharing a flat with me anyway.

Well, thanks for your time. Is it me or did my air pressure

just go up 120lbs by square inch. Don't play games. You know what I

am. What do you want? I want to you inflate me. I want you to run your

fingers through my winter tyre threads and then I want you to

fetch me a sandwich and some DVDs. Do you want to know what I think?

Yes. I think you are a dick, why every

time there is a cat on YouTube... What kind of role model are you to

young kittens? Excuse me, but I happen to be an excellent... Mam,

check it out. You are responsible for this.

I have been advised my badger to say nothing. Now, I need to swing

my Kwikfit. It turns out total deathtrap. Have you seen this? I am

sorry for your loss. I am not not sorry for your loss.

Be prepared to look through the looking glass.

What? A load of balls. Excuse me, just something in my eye.

I ronically I do have something in my eye.

Don't you get it, Gary is a psycho, killing dogs and burying them in

the in the garden man and you are next.

Cap. He would never kill me. Why is there a date ringed on the calendar

with the name "Destiny" next to it. If you want to say goodbye to

Destiny. We will get a tablet from the vet's tomorrow.

OK, it is just a bit of grit. # I'm I'm thinking of the days, I

won't forget a single day believe # Days I will remember all my life

So that's what a life amounts to, is it? Six cardboard boxes. Five of

those are unsold copies of that romance novel I self-published, you

know I never did hear back from Peter Doyle.

I'm looking for flat 14, 229 West Ferry Road.

I never heard of it. What is the point of going to the

effort of naming a property if people are going to bloody well

ignore it? Sorry, we red squirrels lead endangered sheltered lives.

Red Red squirrels, would you like a dry sherry? This wildcat got me

thinking. How many cuts do you see given -- cats do you see given the

chance to play a role in a TV drama like pooction like Spooks or

Waterloo Road, what if I enhance the power of YouTube? With this in

minute I have made a video of what we cats are capable of. A video the

like of which the world has never seen. It a Downfall par day? Yeah.

It is. It is not a good one. It is Hitler

finding out about the US remake of Spaced so it is dated. Also

according -- how to -- I couldn't work out how to dot to dot

subtitles so I stuck to the original ones.

Marion, it is Gary, he has killed his other dogs. I think I might be

next and I I don't want to die. I have to kill Gary.

I have lived in fear of this monster for years.

Come on. Tortoise and the the hare, the

older I get, the more I suspect that Esop was totally full of shit.

This is the main living space. Oh, excuse me the mess on the rug.

Someone brought a lady home last night.

Jesus Christ Vince that's Caroline Quentin. He took exception to a

particular episode of the life of Riley I which I think is acceptable.

I need to take a small deposit. This area seems rough.

Rough? It is not rough. Estate agents say noble is state of the

land. The house prices have gone up and

amenities are improving every day. No one has been stabbed here since

Friday. There has not been a murder all day.

No one has been stabbed here since Friday. We have not been on

Crimewatch since May. There is a charming artist behind

those burnt out cars, a Banksy. Is that a dead cat there? No one

has been stabbed here since Friday. No one has been strangeled or

maimed. No one has been stabbed since

Friday and you will just love our new needle exchange.

You probably won't get shot, drive- by shootings are rare.

They are drive-by shooting over there.

We are often on the Secret Millionaire.

No one has been stabbed here since Friday.

Arson is on the decline. No one has been stabbed here since

Friday. And gang related deaths are so rare

it is a crime. It is a crime.

Where do I sign? Well, you see, it is a perfectly

lovely part of town. Am I safe to go and forage. I like to forage.

Of course, you are safe. Forage away. You endangered... I am Vince

fox. I'm here to introduce a new kitchen cleaner. You silly (BLEEP)

On hobs, on grills, on surfaces, on pots and pans. (BLEEP) The dirt is

gone. When it comes to cleaning my Ken

Hom woks, I will only use new... Say the line. Say it.

Cittit and the day is gone. I feel dirty.

Please don't kill her. Why? I need her around for the building

inspection. They are con concreting over my den.

Nelson, I will give her until this evening and then. Technically that

does count as product replacement. Action.

Hello. I am here today to prove I am a serious educated cat and now a

dramatic reading from the acclaimed 2004 Race Relation movie white

Chicks written and and directed by the Wayan Brothers. Oh my God, you

want to talk about mothers? You want to talk about mothers? It is

mother time. OK, your mama went to Dr Dre for a pap smear. Something

Wrong Dr Dre. There we have it, so it is goodbye from me and goodbye

from my learned friend Desmond. Desmond?. Desmond, stand back.

Clear. I got it in photo mode. Are you all right for another take?

Yeah, sure, I have got another one. Go on then, how are you going to

kill him? The only way I know how, man.

Slowly. Passive smoking in his general area.

He will be stone cold anywhere up to to six to eight years.

Hang about, passport, suitcase, he is not killing me at all. He is

taking me away on holiday. That's even worse. Oh, it will be like

when he dragged me on that tour of the north of England.

My name is Michael Caine and not a lot of people know that.

You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.

Well, I am not going. Sorry to keep asking, I don't

suppose there is any chance of a hand downstairs. Sure.

Has anyone ever told you, you can be very passive-aggressive?

The builders will be here within the next ten minutes. Make sure

your red squirrel is front and centre.

Got it. How are you getting your itel? I jive a mole at the planning

department if you get my meaning? Oh. I was expecting an actual mole.

Bangers, a law on to themselves. How was the foraging? Great. I love

this city. This is Mumbles. Tell him about the nuts? They are

amazing. We were sat by this tree and I

found this silvery packet. I thought it was peanuts because I

love peanuts. They weren't peanuts at all.

They are better than peanuts. I brought back some for you.

What are they, macadamia? Whatever it is, it is delicious and amazing.

Don't do that. I can't stop.

I can't stop. I can't stop. Why should I stop? It is amazing.

60 nuts. 85, 90, 90 nuts. 95 nuts. I will brew you some coffee and we

will sit down. She has ODed. The old Pulp Fiction trick. Gosh it

worked so not everything you see in the movies is untrue. Why did I

ever put my money into this, an Edwardian textiles museum. What was

I think thinking? If you build t they will come.

Yes, I have built it on your advice may I add.

If you build a gift shop, they will come.

I hardly see how that is going to to help.

Selling snacks and drinks, making it more afday out for for families.

Then more will come. They are not coming. No one will

come. Sor European Commission I better

grab this -- sorry, I better grab this, it is the wife.

I am with him. They are not coming. I don't suppose you want to come.

An Edwardian textiles museum. No, I understand.

Now Little Miss we have planning regulations to interfere with.

I can't go out there. I am an addict Nelson, I am ashamed.

I will get you cleaned up. Time for another lesson from the big screen.

Is this doing anything for you? Anything at all? I will be honest,

the harness is on the pinchy side. This cat is desperate to be taken

certificate seriously and I know how Eddie Murphy feels. What offers

have we had this week? Let me guess, more cappy kids films. Mel B says

she has missed her period. The way I see it, you can

deconstruct the stereotype until you are blue in the face. Cats are

pricks, end of. It is true. We are pricks. As you

say, off. All we are good for is clowning around, falling over and

playing grade five piano. You play the piano? Don't patronise

me like it is something special to be able to sit down and...

PLAYS PIANO Red squirrel, I can't build here.

Is that an endangered endangered little rat too.

My precious den, it is saved. No, that's not an endangered turtle.

This quote, is this including VAT? I am going to have to to pull the

plug. I will pay for your materials? The important thing is

my den is safe. I made a film of you playing the piano and I took it

away and upload it had to YouTube and everyone thought it was fake

and it got seven hits so I made a tweak and... Now everyone thinks

you are a dick again. I curse your vagina. I really do.

I need to hide in your den, Gary is trying to take me on holiday.