Episode 8 Mongrels

# Daydream

# I fell asleep amid the flowers For a couple of hours... #

I'm quite serious, Marion. You haven't seen athletic prowess

until you've seen Lembit Opik playing badminton.

-Nelson?

-Mmm?

-What you doing? Hurry up!

Lembit! You're... You're talking to me?

Mate, we don't have time for this. Your serve.

I'm playing?

Gail Emms!

You're dreaming.

Chop-chop, Nelse. Or we won't make the regatta.

I can't believe this! We're really friends?

Bezzie, bezzie, best friends, mate. Now serve.

It's a dream sequence.

No, it's not, shush.

Well, here goes. Let's badminton!

It is a dream sequence you duck's labia minora!

Destiny, if this is a dream sequence,

how come I'm stood here with the real Lembit Opik?

Serve you BLEEP.

Oh, balls.

Nelson. Nelson. Nelson. Nelson.

Uh, the weirdest dream. We were playing badminton and...

Later. There's something ever so slightly more pressing.

-Such as?

-It would seem we got drunk.

And fell asleep on a rubbish-barge on the Thames.

Oh. Balls.

Again!

# La la la la

# La la la la la

# La la la la laaaa. #

Urgh! What did we do last night

and how on earth did we end up there?

My head.

I feel like I've gone 12 rounds with noted sexual predator Mike Tyson.

Marion! What an entirely unnecessary inclusion in what was

otherwise shaping up to be a perfectly nice hangover story.

I thought I was being edgy.

Still, at least we're back home in the safety of the...

Oh..

What is this?

A house brick? And it says, "Lose weight now, ask me how."

"New Year's Eve Party."

Oh, course it does. I don't have my contacts in.

I DO have my contacts in.

Yes, it was New Year's Eve! We must've had some kind of party.

Well, that explains the mystery.

Mayion, you gone so long.

You forget you have lovely new wife at home?

With one notable exception.

Greetings, my strange new Siamese wife!

Hold up. You're married?

Yeah, apparently so. Sorry, I don't believe we've been introduced.

-Marion.

-Koon-Yi.

Uh-oh. Think I married one of Mia Farrow's stepchildren.

My goodness. How on earth do you get yourself in these predicaments?

SHRIEKING

-What was that?

-What was what?

SHRIEKING

HE VOMITS

Nothing. Sure it's nothing.

SHRIEKING

Right! Sorry to go all Charlie Sheen,

does anyone else keep seeing a shrieking horse?

-Nope.

-What the hell is going on?

Oh, my days! I feel like death!

Destiny! What are you doing sleeping outside?

-Jenna Jameson! You're naked!

-What?

-You're not wearing a collar!

-So?

Oh. No. I just have this thing where I always think a collar is

kind of like clothes.

So, when you take it off, you're naked. Just me? It's just me.

So I don't have my collar on. Who cares? No big mystery.

DOOR OPENS

Come on then, Destiny. Good girl. Good girl.

-Yeah, that's a bit different though.

-Wow.

I haven't been this confused since I watched Wonders Of The Universe with Professor Brian Cox.

WONDERS OF UNIVERSE PLAYS

'Question, is it gay to desire another man's company this much?

'God, I'd love to touch his hair.

'Hmm, I should probably keep these thoughts to myself.

'Maybe I'll just make a note of them in my diary. Better still, a poem.

'I could send it to Brian. Bet he likes poems.'

And saunas.

You know who I like? Patrick Moore! He looks dirty!

You'll be wondering what went on last night, then?

-You remember?

-And do you know why?

Because I didn't drink last night.

Because I don't need alcohol to have a good time.

Because I've got a life.

Also because I'm on a mild course of antibiotics for a urinary infection.

Get on with it.

Give you a clue, it all started with Nelson's New Year's Resolutions.

Oh, that rings a bell.

BELLS CHIME

Lose weight, tick. Brush up conversational Swedish, tickande.

Uphold my purity pledge, oop, sorry that's private. Tick.

I can't believe you actually kept them all.

I gave up by like 2nd January.

You know, Kali, we have a saying in my country about quitters.

-Sorry, what country's that?

-I have absolutely no idea.

-What's the saying?

-I can't remember.

Wow. In MY face.

Right then, think I'm entitled to enjoy the remaining...

six hours and 32 minutes of the year in the knowledge that I've achieved...

Hold up, cock-trumpet! There's one on the back.

"Be more impulsive"?

Well, obviously, I've done that. I'm always impulsive.

Nelson! I've just inherited a haunted mansion!

Will you spend a night there with me?

Sorry, Marion. This commemorative Kate and Wills scrapbook

won't caption itself.

Nelson! I've just interfered with space-time continuum.

Will you travel back to 1985 with me?

Sorry, Marion, this box-set of Downton Abbey won't watch itself.

Nelson! I've just shot the security guard played by Kevin Bacon who

abused us while we were at that young offender's institute!

-Will you help clear my name?

-Sorry, Marion!

This all-female vivarium of Southern Chorus Frogs won't inseminate its...

Oh, it has!

So life DOES find a way! Still no.

OK. Still plenty of time to be impulsive. Come on, Marion.

I can't. I'm seeing someone tonight.

A new lady-friend?

In a manner of speaking.

-A toy?

-We prefer hyper-realistic life partner. Don't we, Becky?

Becky's a little shy.

Destiny! Destiny, bath-time!

Excuse me. If it's not too much trouble,

may you take a second to untie me?

My dear owner, he didn't survive the winter.

The recent cold snap, combined with the tragic early death of his...

Boring! If I set you free, what do I get?

-A sense of eternal well-being!

-Hm!

One of those things for getting the fluff off clothes?

Destiny! Come here! You are not getting out of this!

Uh, I really don't want a bath!

If you let me go, I will gladly take the bath in your place.

As we know, Westerners have great trouble telling us Afghans apart.

'Insurgents, dead ahead.'

So you see, if we switch places...

-INCOMING MISSILE

-Duck!

MISSILE EXPLODES

-..I'm sure your owner won't even notice.

-All right then, deal!

Oh. So, I am officially all caught up on the one who

used to do back-flips from East 17! Sweet!

-OK. You want to see impulsive?

-Not really.

-I'll show you impulsive.

-Don't care.

-How's this for impulsive?

-Not looking.

I've just bought issue one of the magazine part-work

Treasures Of The Earth even though

I know full well that for issue two they will jack the price right up...

HE SCREAMS

How come you haven't you replied to my party invite yet?

Well. Vince.

If the invite you're referring to is indeed this house brick with

New Year's Eve Party scrawled on it,

then I've just this second received it.

Don't know why I bothered. You never come to my things.

It's just, I've already planned to watch Jools Holland's Hootenanny.

I've got cheeses plural, on the cheeseboard, breathing as we speak.

Tell you what, Vince. Fine. I'll be there.

Well, hello, Kitty!

Oh, you didn't? Not poor Becky?

Yes. Just this minute, I had sex with her. No pun intended!

No pun made!

You sad little man. Having sex with children's toy.

She is equally popular among 18-to-34-year-olds, OK?

Just because you can't find yourself a real girlfriend.

Oh, I can't, can't I? OK. That sounds like a challenge!

Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss! Double Destinys! Am I dreaming?!

Wow. It is like that erotic short story you wrote come to life!

That's not. I didn't.

-You adapted it to into a comic.

-That is absolutely...

Alan Moore wrote the foreword.

Wouldn't even know how to contact him, he's famously reclusive.

It won Best Specialist Publication at the National Comic Awards.

I did thank you in the acceptance speech, if that softens the blow.

Anyways, if you could just fill in for me around here,

make a note of anything anyone says that relates to me,

don't worry about Marion's stuff. OK, bye!

Hang on. What?

I'm outsourcing.

Yeah, Nita here'll be doing all the crap I don't want to do from now on.

I give her the treats, she does the baths,

the putting up with Gary and the hanging around with you lot. Laters!

Bye, then.

Wow. Lose weight now, ask me how.

Do not write that down!

BELLS CHIME

So, that's cleared up the house brick,

Hello, Kitty, Destiny's collar and her identical twin.

Just leaves Koon-Yi, the shopping trolley and waking up on the Thames.

HORSE SHRIEKS

Not forgetting of course...

Horrific. Shrieking. Horse. Flashbacks.

Look! Leftovers from last night!

Better make a plate for her indoors. The old ball and chain.

She who must be obeyed. The trouble and... Sorry what IS your name?

-Koon-Yi.

-Yes, it is.

Anyways, we were all getting ready for Vince's party...

BELLS CHIME

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

-# Tonight's the night I'm going to let my hair down!

-Oooh!

-# Tonight's the night I'm going to get my groove on!

-Yeah!

-# Tonight's the night I'll spray my French cologne on!

-Ah!

# But now we really need to get a move on!

# We're going to a shit house party

# We'll pretend that it's great when we're in it

# But really we'll hate every minute

# We're going to a shit house party

# We might be glad we came along

# After four White Lightnings and a Jaeger Bomb. Yeah!

# I'll queue for seven hours for the toilet

# Cos someone's having unprotected sex in the bath

# The girls will find out if they got their boobs out

# When they're tagged in the Facebook photographs

# We're going to a shit house party

# We'd obviously rather not go

# But we said we'd be there so...

# We're going to a shit house party

# I'll grope your baby sister

# In a game of naked Twister

# We're going to a shit house party Yeah! #

Ah, Vince's place. Just don't blame me if this gets a little messy.

Oh. A house name. Classy.

EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS

OK, you crazy mother-effer let's get this party...

Oh.

Who's all this?

No-one. Some friends. I thought you said party and...

Vince, I am so sorry.

Nah. Forget it, stupid of me.

See, I found my New Year's resolution list from last year.

I thought I'd done them all.

BLEEP a squirrel!

BLEEP a mole!

BLEEP a tortoise!

Most of whom are here tonight. Awkwardly.

But then I found one written on the back.

"Do something nice for Nelson."

That was supposed to be tonight. So just go. Leave me.

With my limited edition Middle BLEEP Earth Risk board.

Oh, come on! It's New Year's Eve! Let's all go out!

Will it be a proper boys night? Drinking games, kebabs, the works?

Absolutely! Let's be impulsive.

-The game's called Blind Man's

-BLEEP

Ooh, course it is. What are the rules?

-Rules are, every time I think the word

-BLEEP

-I have to take a drink.

Right.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

OK, let's see who cannot get a woman. I'm a-going in!

..and you know what my mum's like, ALWAYS on at me.

Like the other night I was just watching TV and...

Ha-ha-ha! That is so very, very, very funny.

I'm Marion. Who wants to see some street magic?

-Phew! Hadn't prepared any.

-What do you want?

Simply to ask, which of you lovely ladies would like to have

disappointing unfulfilling sex... in a dustbin?

Go away.

I win. You owe me a kebab.

What a fun game. We really must play it again some time.

All right, then.

Oh. Ha-ha!

Oh.

Destiny! What are you doing out on your own?

Left Gary with Nita back at the pub.

I am off the lead and I'm up for anything!

Well.

I'm all about impulse tonight so I'm just gonna say this, I love you.

Actually. Yeah, yeah. I love you. And I have always...

Ummm, meant to say earlier, could you address all

-flirting-slash-creepiness at the other me from now on?

-Oh.

She'll be dealing with all future will-they-won't-they enquiries.

SHE GASPS

Police dog! Yes, please!

I am sorry, Nelson.

It's fine, Marion. She made her feelings perfectly clear.

There's nothing more I can do except...

MUSIC: "Back For Good" by Take That

I love you. Actually. Yeah.

I love you. And I've always loved you.

And I need to know, once and for all, if you feel the same.

So let's have it. The truth.

Thank you for your recent interest in Destiny,

unfortunately she is unable to answer your query at this time but if

you'd like to leave your name and address...

Oh, come on! You can think for yourself, you know!

-What do YOU think about me?

-Hmm.

Oh, forget it!

I think you're handsome. HE GASPS

And what's more, I find your relentless pursuit of a female,

who is clearly completely uninterested in you,

to be just the right side of sinister.

You do?

FIREWORKS EXPLODE

AULD LANG SYNE PLAYS

Listen. My whims have got me this far tonight... Kiss me?

CHEERING

Nelson und Destiny! Those crazy kinder finally worked it out!

Das ist just like Greta und Helmut!

-Who?

-Greta und Helmut!

You know, from popular German sitcom Und Mutti Macht Funf? No?

You don't get that in Grossbritannien? Sehr funny.

Ran for over zwanzig jahre. Giggle turbo man. Check it out sometime.

Let me ask you something, can police dogs really sniff bombs?

Officially, yes, absolutely, of course we can.

Off the record, no, of course we can't.

-We just do it to look important.

-Knew it.

And of course these days we have to watch our step.

Can't be seen to be persecuting certain groups,

if you know what I mean.

Right, you postie scum!

HE SCREAMS

All right, then. You can get off with me now.

I can't. Not while I'm on duty.

How about I pop round your place when I clock off in a couple of hours?

Let me give you the address.

Darling, I'm a sniffer dog with the Met. Don't need an address.

I'll find you.

Wow!

Sorry, what am I on about?

I don't even know your name, you could live anywhere in the world.

Just like give me your name, the first half of your postcode,

and then the road.

And I'll find you.

All alone!

Nothing to keep me company but the £25 we clubbed together

to get a mini-cab.

BabyLiss Dual Voltage Curling Wand £25!

Siamese Cats, you dick.

I don't have my contacts in!

I DO have my contacts in.

I don't have my contacts in.

I don't wear contacts.

I can't read!

No. As honoured custodian of taxi money,

it would shameful to even consider such an act.

Therefore, I am 95 percent certain I will do the right thing.

BELLS CHIME

So yeah, really have to work on my percentage-based estimations.

Koon-Yi, check.

Right, well I think that's quite enough detective work for one day.

Just popping back to the den for a quick lie-down.

Oh, Marion! That bloody cat.

A Siamese bride of all things. Oh dear.

What next? Seriously, whatever next?

HE CHUCKLES

And Destiny! Finding an identical version of herself,

then chatting up a police dog!

Dearie me!

Never realised quite how far it was from the bins to my den.

And...

I'm home!

Happy New Year, BLEEP! Have a leg!

OK, gang. Case reopened!

Apparently, I went for a kebab with Vince.

BELL CHIMES

Oi. You owe me a kebab.

Vince! This is Nita, my girlfriend.

Oh. So go on, then. What do you see in this ugly BLEEP?

Excuse me, he is not ugly!

He is perfect both physically and spiritually!

Oh. Blushing.

-And I will be with him for ever. Until the day he dies.

-Sweet!

And after then I will throw myself onto his funeral pyre,

not because I have to, but because I want to.

He is a young God.

Compared to him, we are but worms scrambling in his shadow.

OK, wrapping up now.

I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him!

Ditto. OK, don't wait up. Bye.

Nobby? Nobby? You can borrow this! It's region zwei!

MUSIC: "Scooby Snacks" by Fun Lovin' Criminals

Now, we're not here to piss about, yeah?

We're here for the big one.

I've watched it for months, it never runs out.

You stole that, you could retire on it.

Sounds like a jape, I'm in!

Stay here, don't move.

What a night of adventure!

A party, a kiss from a beautiful girl,

and a harmless spot of high jinks to top it off!

YELLING

Think we can safely say that's a big tick on the old impulse front.

Run! BLEEP! Run!

# Running around

# Robbing banks, all whacked off of Scooby snacks...#

HE LAUGHS

We did it! We actually did it, you mad bastard!

Now, did you remember my salad in pitta?

Hi, fellas. How we doing down there?

I'm Barney. The friendly neighbourhood police horse.

You're a BLEEP copper?

Am for the next 90 minutes, son. It's my last day on the job.

SAXOPHONE PLAYS

17 years on the force. Good years.

And now the goddamn chief's putting me out to pasture.

To a field just outside Whitstable, actually.

Oh, you lucky devil!

Yep, can't beat north-east Kent this time of year.

When the sun rises across the water,

I swear you can just about hear the angels sing.

You, good sir, have a beautiful soul.

Now. You boys get that kebab pole home before someone sees you.

Aw. You hear that, Vince?

Yeah, he's a BLEEP copper.

HE CRIES OUT

-HE SOBS

-I hate it!

Next New Year I am having a cottage in the Cotswolds

on my own

and I am staying in!

-HORSE MOANS

-Have mercy.

Here we go.

HORSE SHRIEKS

Alternatively, go away for the whole Christmas and New Year period,

maybe get a deal on a flight departing on 24th December

because sometimes they do excellent discounts.

Nelson, get a grip!

No. You're right. Wasn't thinking straight. I'm OK.

Good. Right, now pass us that hammer. I wanna smash his BLEEP teeth out.

-HE CRIES

-Stop using tools!

What can you see now?

There's a shop called News And Booze.

Wrong side of the road. You need to cross over,

then I'm 50 yards further down on your left.

Is that your left or my left?

What difference does it make? You don't know which way I'm facing.

It's a very good point!

Yes! OK. All right.

I found you.

Don't suppose I could get a bowl of water?

Oh, God.

HE PANTS

Kali! You can be the first to hear the good news!

-My darling, do you want to tell her or can I?

-Go ahead.

I bought a woman!

Well, you think that's interesting.

Went back to my doctor, quite amusing,

turns out he'd put me on the wrong antibiotics!

Ya. That's really a fascinating little journey you've been on there.

All right. You don't care about me? No-one cares about me.

Well, you'll be sorry. You'll all be sorry!

Actually, I got a couple of things to do around here first, so...

Mayion, I want foot-rub!

First, my wife, we must get to know each other.

Here are two things you should know about me.

One, in May 2007 I was briefly owned by Boy George.

MUSIC: "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me" by Culture Club

So I am guessing now would be too late to introduce a safe word?

WHIP CRACKS

Two, gravest of all, I, Marion, your husband,

have been neutered.

Is OK, Mayion. We same-same.

-Hmm?

-I been neutered too!

Oy, I married a Siamese lady-boy.

Well. There goes my run at the White House.

What are we going to do?!

We just have to get rid of it.

Oh. Like getting rid of a horse is ever that easy.

THE GODFATHER THEME PLAYS

HE SCREAMS

HORSE SCREAMS

-Did we?

-Yeah. I think we might have.

Right. That's... Wow. Those bloody Jockey Club lunches, eh?

Yeah. You can lead a horse to a free bar but you can't make them stop!

SHE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

Look... Er... Listen...

-Queen Of The South.

-Queen Of The South, yes! Knew that.

I've got a 3:15, so...

See you at Wincanton?

Unbelievable. It's Frankie Dettori all over again.

You'll just have to eat it.

I am not eating horse meat!

Though of course they do eat a lot of it on the continent...

Hmm. That gives me an idea.

JAUNTY MUSIC STARTS

BELLS CHIME

Horse meat? Nelson, you turtle's anus.

THEY VOMIT

Sorry, guys!

I can't do this on my own! They're too damn rich!

-I'll have to get the others to help.

-What about the giant horse's penis?

Oh, I think he's doing a second series of Tramadol Nights!

No, but seriously, just wrap it in cling.

Hello. Who are you? Please, have a canape.

McSorley. DCI McSorley.

Paul Gadd! You're onto us!

These look pretty good.

I've panicked!

THEY SCUFFLE

Come quick, it's Kali!

She's threatening to throw herself off London Bridge!

Oh. Now you're interested!

Weren't interested before!

We're sorry. There's kind of been a lot going on today.

I'm sure we'd all like to hear about your urinary infection.

-Wouldn't we, guys?

-Yeah.

-Not really.

OK, then. Well, yesterday I started feeling

this slight pressure in my bladder.

So I went to the toilet.

I must've gone like five times in 15 minutes.

Anyways, made an appointment with my badger,

he's told me I've got a urinary-tract infection.

-Wow!

-No way!

They're really common.

Reckons I picked it up from sharing a bird-bath

with these emo cormorants from Guernsey.

Result of which, he put me on a mild course of antibiotics.

But then I went back to him earlier tonight.

He'd put me on the wrong ones!

M Night Shyamalan! I did not see that coming!

So, yeah. That's my story.

-Aaah!

-Kali!

Nelson!

All right. Yeah. I just flew off. In the end. Brap.

Oh. I forget you're a bird. Ah, well.

Oh, a boat!

CLOCK STRIKES

That's everything!

We are officially all caught up!

Oi, Marion. Bet you wish you'd stuck to your Hello Kitty now.

Kali. I'd appreciate it if you didn't show me up in front of my husband.

Thank you.

Anyway. I really am going back to bed now.

Not so fast, Nelson. I happen to have overheard the whole thing.

Glen Mulcaire!

So say goodbye to your little friends,

you're coming downtown with me.

I can't go to prison! I'm too...

HE GASPS Blimey!

-Nita.

-Nelson. I will kill anyone for you.

Anyone you ask me to.

Oh, my angel! Isn't that just a tiny bit mental?

You killed my boyfriend, you identical bitch!

MUSIC: "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy

Gentlemen. It would seem we've got ourselves something of a girl fight.

You're fired, bitch.

OK, that wasn't like my erotic short story. At all.

Jools Holland's Hootenanny?

THEY SIGH

Mmm. Keep these coming.

And look, just because this relationship didn't work out,

doesn't mean it'll never happen for you.

You can't close yourself off.

Actually, we decided we're going to make a go of it.

In fact, we got talking about starting a family and...

Bought this little scamp on credit.

Isn't he adorable?

Yep. He's a he.

Look, this time I really am going back to the den for a lie down.

Nelson, fancy eine bloody good laughen?

HE LAUGHS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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