Episode 9 Mongrels

This programme contains very strong language.

-You've contracted a rare and tedious reverse-ageing condition.

-Oh, dear. No, that IS a blow.

Is there anything I can do?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Although...

there IS an antidote.

Right.

And where can I get hold of this so-called antidote?

Superdrug? Boots?

Afraid it's not quite as easy as that.

And I'll tell you for why. Because it's Easter Monday

and none of chemists are open...

Cut!

Going again.

OK, guys. That was great, just felt a bit flat.

Just need to go quicker, yeah? Pace, pace, pace.

Nelson?

I am listening. I'm just trying to refocus.

Hello, Adam, how may I help you?

Also, it's more like "Benjamin Button!" Not "Benjamin Button."

"Benjamin Button!" Yeah?

Unbelievable. See that?

Line-readings he's giving me now.

Dick.

The reason that we're actually being so quiet

is cos we're on a soundstage in East London.

Nelson's filming a scene behind us right now.

So, yeah, welcome. Welcome to this celebratory look-back

at BBC3's critically-acclaimed cult smash-hit, Mongrels.

We're actually gonna see if we can get a word with Nelson now.

Can someone please get Miquita fucking Oliver off my fucking set, please?!

Thank you!

Maybe we'll try him later.

And...action.

Take an urban fox, an Afghan hound, a stray cat, a loudmouth pigeon,

and a sexually violent predator named Vince,

put them in a pub garden and you get a 24-carat nugget of pure TV gold.

Ladies, gentlemen, animals, welcome to our salute to Mongrels.

BOTH SCREAM

BLEEP dust!

Our Mongrels celebration kicks off, where else,

but with the immortal Nelson.

Over the course of 16 unforgettable episodes, he's established himself

as an iconic comedy character, on a par with David Brent.

OK, I'm not saying that.

Over the course of 16 unforgettable episodes, he's established himself

as an iconic comedy character on a par with Andy Millman from Extras.

# I want to break free

# I want to break free

# I want to break free... #

Bit of a pickle. The three-wheeler's broken down. We're on our way to a fancy dress party...

It's our island, we could do anything we want.

# I've got to break free... #

Nelson?

CANNED LAUGHTER

SCREAMS

This is Casino Royale.

Which is the bit from Quantum of Solace?

Champing. Champing.

Hi, I'm Nelson. I'm actually kind of a special fox.

So, Nelson. Tell us how you came to be involved in the show.

Well, it WAS competitive getting the part. Very.

Audition after audition after audition.

They heard everyone for the lead role. And I mean everyone.

I'm actually kind of a special fox.

For e.g. I'm a bloody good after dinner speaker.

Like, er, once I was going through, Kerry Katona's, er, bottle bin.

I say 'bottle bin',

more like 'bottle bank'!

Ha-ha.

No, but seriously, folks...

Anyway, try and soldier on here,

this other time, I was hanging out by Jimmy Carr's recycling bin.

Or, to give it's proper name, Michael McIntyre.

No, come on, seriously...

I'm actually kind of a special fox.

For example, I'm a bloody good after dinner speaker.

You know, like, once I was going through Kerry Katona's bottle bin...

Yep. OK. Thank you, Will.

-I think that's... You can...

-Let me go again, I'm just getting into it, it's just the accent.

-It's a bit...

-We don't need to hear anymore.

And, yeah, the very next day, my agent phoned.

I hadn't got it.

A circle-stroke?

I'm stroking you, you're stroking me!

-Fine, I'll try it. But you're wearing protection.

-Oh!

But I won't feel anything.

I don't care. Now, just stroke me from behind.

We'll work on to my tummy.

Going anywhere nice on holidays?

Yeah, well, me and a couple of the guys,

from the bins near ASDA, we're talking about, erm...

a jigsawing holiday, but the thing is, you know,

with the way the euro is... I have to stop, he's doing my head in.

The cat's hands are itching like fuck!

What's the matter with him?

Unfortunately, things didn't quite work out for Will at the Beeb.

Long story short, he urinated in Alan Yentob's private lift.

So my agent phoned and I was like, "Eric Stoltz!

"Of course I can be drafted into the lead role at the last minute!"

Which brings us nicely on to your little catchphrases.

Catchphrases?

Lesley Grantham! I killed a man!

Russell Howard! What in the name of Marty Feldman happened to your eyes?

Sir Norman Foster!

Building work? Pete Townshend, what was I thinking? Jordy Chandler!

Morten Harket! Julian Lloyd Webber!

Magic Johnson, I think I've got rabies! Mark Fowler!

I don't have rabies. Rory McGrath! Gail Emms! Neil and Christine Hamilton!

Helen Mirren! George Ava! Sam Murnaghan! Horne and Corden!

Sir Robert Winston! Sir Anthony Hopkins! Harvey Keitel!

Captain Chesley Burnett "Sully" Sullenburg III! I can't do that!

Oh, those. Yeah, it's just something I do.

But, of course, there's more to Mongrels than that.

After all, Nelson would be nothing without his Marion.

Hello, madam. I'm a gas man,

as you can clearly see from my official hat.

MARION GRUNTS

Marion.

Marion. Marion.

Marion. Marion.

Marion.

Marion.

I, daughter of Dracula!

Apparently, she wasn't a vampire, just had these two pointy teeth.

SLOWLY LETS OUT SCREAM

Marion, Marion.

Marion. Marion.

I knew that. (I didn't know that.)

So I'm guessing now would be too late to introduce a safe word?

Marion. Marion.

Marion.

Nelson, I've just interfered with space-time continuum,

will you travel back to 1985 with me?

Thanks to this misfortunate sequence of events,

I have at last come to appreciate the true meaning of irony.

I am literally no closer to appreciating the true meaning of irony.

I'll see the sun set over those bins if it's the last thing... Marion.

Well, as I'm sure you're aware, I am a veteran of the stage.

When I was cast in the lead role as Marion,

I'd actually just come off the back of three years' touring

with the Royal Shakespeare Company.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

That is NOT the question.

Well, it is a question, but there are others.

Like, when's the interval?

Oh, man, I could eat the crap out of a Magnum.

It was great.

It meant I'd learnt my craft properly

BEFORE I made it onto the TV.

Unlike, say, the rest of the cast!

Not that that matters! Ha-ha.

There is a rumour that you're bitter

that the other animals came onto the show as their first gig,

whereas you'd spent your entire life touring regional theatres.

This! Always this! I'd like to know who started all this talk.

I mean, wha...what is it even based on?

Your DVD commentary.

I was drunk!

-The thing I find most amazing...

-'God, he's crap.

'Ha! Look at him. He can't act for shit.

'"I'm Nelson, I talk like this.

'"Paul Whitehouse, I've got a catchphrase!"

'Because catchphrase comedy is so hot right now(!)

'Ugh, look at her.

'Jesus! She gives you nothing, you know? Nothing to play off.

'At least Trevor Eve has the talent to back up being such a shithead.

'Oh, here she comes.

'Wonder what kind of performance she's going to give THIS week.

'Oh, joy, she's going to shout every line like this

'because apparently when you shout, you're acting!

'Oh... can Marion get some more Malibu in here, please?

'Oy!'

Anyway, that's all behind us now. We're friends again.

Marion? Ha-ha-ha!

No, we don't socialise.

Wouldn't say we're friends...exactly.

He's a cock.

What? He is!

One character who IS universally loved,

both on and off screens, is the adorable Destiny.

In many ways, the First Lady of Mongrels.

Who's that? Is it me, is it me?

-Oi!

-Oi!

-Oi!

-Oi!

-Oi!

Whore!

Whore! Whore!

# I'm a bitch

# I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother... #

Because I'm worming.

What about me? What about my needs?

I do sit, stay, beg, left paw, right paw, heel,

wiggle ears - that's double.

SHOUTS UNINTELLIGIBLY

# Wouldn't want it any other way

# Ooh-ooh... #

Shut up!

And while Destiny's on-screen relationships have captured

the hearts of audiences worldwide, more recently it's been talk

of her behind-the-scenes romance that's really got people talking.

Oh, that! Yeah.

Well, there's definitely something going on in real life.

It's obvious, man. The way they fight on screen.

There's all kinds of tensions under the surface.

From what I can gather, he really likes her,

yeah, but she just don't feel the same way.

-It's Christine Bleakley and that bulldog-faced

-BLEEP

-from Daybreak all over again.

That's how I'm reading it anyways.

I wouldn't know. You'd have to ask them about that.

I don't understand the question.

Let me put it more bluntly. Is there anything going on between you?

What?! No! God! No.

No way. We're just mates. Aren't we, Gary?

Yep. Uh-huh.

-Nelson, tell us about your relationship with Destiny.

-Well,

obviously, it's at the very centre of show.

And I think that's because there's a palpable sexual tension

between us - as performers.

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go start the rest of our lives!

I love ya! And I have always...

Meant to say earlier, could you address all flirty/creepiness at the other me from now on?

-Kiss me.

-You know the rules - not on the mouth.

Nelson, I am not single, you clown's foreskin!

You pretended you'd been sexually assaulted just so you'd get off walkies!

Yeah. This ends now. The end of us.

Not that there ever was or will be an us.

Never. Genuinely never.

Never.

Never. Never.

See, the reason it works so well

is because the audience believe in us as a couple.

They're rooting for us.

It doesn't work. The whole will-they-won't-they thing. Never has.

And the reason the audience don't care about it is

because there is NO possible way anyone would ever buy

that my character could go out with his.

It's not rocket science. You put a handsome guy with a good-looking girl,

people are going to want to see them together.

Don't get me wrong, I like him as an actor, great guy, yeah.

I'm sure there are loads of girls out there who'd just love to have Nelson as their asexual best friend.

But be serious for a second. Me? And him?

Why would ANYONE ever believe, even for a SINGLE second,

that I'd EVER contemplate going out..

Sorry. I CAN hear you.

Yeah. Sorry.

(I'll tell you about it later.)

Then there's Kali. The fourth member of the gang.

How would you describe your character?

Me? I'm the brainy one, innit.

Oi though, Marion, how much that tyre cost?

Well, Kali, I believe it retails in the region of two...

Does that take into account 'inflation?' Bo! Brap-brap-brap!

Disrespect! Bo! Get in! Zing! One-nil Kali! Bull's-eye!

Owned! Gutted! Served! Played!

Boom-shack-a-lack-a-lack-a-lack-a!

Back of the net! Goal! Early bath! Relegated!

Brap-brap-brap! Jokes! Innit though!

Bitch! Slap! You got schooled, beeyatch!

OK, I'm done.

Every episode of Mongrels features a musical number.

Tell us a little something about the songs.

No. I refuse.

I refuse to be your linking device just so you can

get into a crappy montage of old songs from the last two series.

I think it's lazy, frankly.

I think clips shows are the last refuge of the scoundrel.

They are beneath contempt.

So, no, I would not like to say a little something about the songs!

Run VT.

# If you're uncomfortable with coming out

# Just listen to what I saysbian

# Whatever anyone thinks of gays

# Everyone loves a lesbian... #

# Could you even name one of his songs?

# The self-important little diva

# Gonna take a pick-axe to his pretty face

# I'm gonna murder Justin Bieber... #

# Breaking up is such a faff

# I can't stand awkward goodbyes

# Breaking up is such a faff

# I'll just sweat it out until she dies... #

# One day you're a paedo

# And you're my jailbait

# Next day you're my sweetheart

# And it's suddenly legal to mate... #

# Ugly women are beautiful too

# They're always sweet and trusting, even though they look disgusting

# Ugly women are beautiful too... #

# No-one's been stabbed here since Friday

# No-one's been strangled or maimed

# No-one's been stabbed here since Friday

# And you'll just love our new needle exchange. #

Key change!

# He anally invaded me as a publicity stunt

# I think we all agree

# He is a massive

# BLEEP. #

I'm a BLEEP.

Bitch!

Marion, how would you say

that you've handled the runaway success of Mongrels?

Well, I don't think of any of us knew the show was going to be so huge.

We're now watched in something like 30 territories.

Belarus, Turkey, Uganda...

Translated into Spanish, Italian, French. And ancient Latin.

For some reason.

Vultus er, is est forsit iens egredior totus nefas quod ut tamen,

haud permissum mihi perago,

animadverto ego reputo vos es versus plaga

quod ego cannot subsisto reputo super vos quod quis abyssus.

Sic usquam, etiam Vos can narro.

Vos operor animadverto ego sum a puella.

Oh meus deus haud! Ego did non animadverto ut!

Sic etiam, etiam,

basic fortuitus lesbianism vox illic.

Hey accidit. Vos teneo, formo es sic androgynous

illa dies plus nos members of bird prosapia,

-haud promptus genitor!

-Etiam quod vere does non succurro.

Audio, ego teneo aliquantulus bird balineum inter angulus.

Operor vos somnium a imbibo?

-Iustus ut amicitia?

-Certus. Amicitia.

And the Americans absolutely love us.

They cannot get enough.

Obviously audiences in the US don't get ALL the cultural references.

So that's when our writing team come up with clever little fixes.

Take for e.g. the now-legendary "Who's Paul Ross?" sequence.

Nelson, you do realise he's probably the runt of the litter?

And so what if he is? See, let me tell you about a runt of the litter.

Born a sickly little thing,

bullied by his siblings, parents didn't want to know.

Do you know who that little mongrel grew up to be?

-Who?

-I'll tell you who - 'Stephen Baldwin'.

-Who's 'Stephen Baldwin'?

-Ha-ha, good one. Who's 'Stephen Baldwin!'

-No seriously. Who's 'Stephen Baldwin?'

-'Stephen Baldwin.'

-Who is he?

-"Stephen Baldwin.'

-Who's that?

-'Stephen Baldwin.'

'Stephen Baldwin.' 'Stephen Baldwin.'

Yes! 'Stephen Baldwin.' For God's sake, this 'Stephen Baldwin.'

'Stephen Baldwin.' 'Stephen Baldwin.'

I don't believe this. There! That 'Stephen Baldwin.'

Now you can tell 'NBC' to take their seven million 'dollar' a year deal

and their golden handcuffs and stick 'em where the sun does not shine.

-You do realise he doesn't actually have phone?

-'Baldwin' out.

And then of course, there's Vince - the fifth Mongrel.

By turns uncouth, savage, violent and painfully vulnerable,

author Will Self calls him "the most complicated fox in the history of television."

-Did you just call God a

-BLEEP

-?

-No!

You ate your own babies?!

You know how it is, it's late,

you can't be arsed to go to the all-night garage, you've nothing in the fridge.

Vince, you've got Muller Rice!!

Well, yeah, but no spoons.

-BLEEP.

-Sandra Bullock.

-And

-BLEEP

-your

-BLEEP

-fancy

-BLEEP.

CONTINUOUS BLEEPING

-I want to smash his

-BLEEP

-teeth out!

SOBS: Stop using tool.

-BLEEP

-me. That's jaunty.

That is jaunty.

-That is very

-BLEEP

-jaunty.

-As endearing as it may seem, Vince's great love of the word

-BLEEP

has caused the show its fair share of trouble.

Well, yeah. I know I've caused a few problems in terms of merchandising.

-Cheer up,

-BLEEP

-! There's a new toy in town!

'New Cuddly Vince! It swears!'

CONTINUOUS BLEEP

'New Cuddly Vince!'

-Don't be a

-BLEEP

-! Buy me!

But then, that's the character. That's Vince.

That's the creature I have to inhabit. He's a beast of impulse.

Anyway, it's Simon I feel most sorry for.

-Simon?

-You know. The Sign Zone guy.

Hold on. I smell chicken, and you know what I think

about chickens, don't cha?!

# They're not from this country they spread dem disease

# They look the same and wiggle their heads when they speak

# They lay loads of eggs to get free accommodation

-#

-BLEEP

-all the chickens dem the scourge of the nation!

-#

-BLEEP

-chickens #

-BLEEP

-'em back where they belong

-#

-BLEEP

-chickens, all the way to Hong Kong

# You get loads and loads all living under one roof

# They're no good at flying, people know the truth

# Channel 4 make documentaries with them all the time

# But no-one cares about the plight of the vulpine

-#

-CLUCK!

-chickens,

-CLUCK!

-'em back where they belong

-#

-CLUCK!

-chickens,

-CLUCK!

-'em all the way to Hong Kong

# All together now!

-#

-HONK!

-chickens

-HONK!

-'em back where they belong

-#

-HONK!

-chickens

-#

-HONK!

-'em all the way to Hong Kong

-#

-BEEP-BEEP!

-chickens

-BEEP!

-'em back where they belong

-#

-BEEP-BEEP!

-chickens

-# To actually

-BLEEP

-a chicken would be wrong.

-Vince there, with the immortal

-BLEEP

-Chickens.

Sure, the language may seem brutal, but the animal kingdom is a savage and unforgiving place.

Let's now pause for a moment to pay our respects to some Mongrels we've lost along the way.

MUSIC: "I Don't Want to Miss A Thing" Aerosmith

Happily, a small handful of very special animals have survived

long enough to establish themselves as much-loved members of the extended Mongrel family.

Animals like Morgan Freeman Lamb.

Anyway, Nelson, if you did the table plan, how come you stuck me with the freaks?

-Tim and Nobby and that stupid sheep what talks like Laurence Fishburne.

-I happen to be a lamb, madam.

And I talk like Morgan goddamn Freeman!

And then of course, there's Tim, the German badger with the bad teeth

and the ever-so creepy obsession with his dear, sweet Mutti.

Oh, ja. Looks like meine dinner plans just changed.

More Pinot, Mutti?

-Timothy!

-Stefanni! I thought you had pilates!

Guten abend, meine freundin! Lovely nacht for eine wandern!

-Do him!

-My God, a Nazi Badger!

You think I'm a little camp, you should see Auschwitz. Galliano!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Please, that was many years ago.

And ze badgers were really not involved at a very high level.

-Ha! Ha!

-Destiny!

Halt! Das ist blatant gay bashing.

-He's fine, he's not gay.

-Oh! My mistake. As you were.

And yet, casting the small but pivotal role of Timothy Lange

provided the show's producers with one of the biggest headaches of all.

I know they had LOADS of trouble finding someone to play Tim.

They were casting at the height of the TB cull.

I remember reading in Screen International -

there was a shortage of short-legged, omnivorous members of the weasel family

who had the acting chops to pull off dramatic character roles.

After months of searching, they finally found an actor

with the screen presence required to play Tim.

And that's where the trouble started.

Ah! He wasn't German, for a start.

And that really is the absolute key to that role.

If I'm honest, that IS the role,

that's all it is - a funny German voice.

And suddenly, all the press and the forums are like, "Wow, Tim's amazing,

"Tim's this, Tim's that, breakout star!" Well, I'm sorry, but I'd like

to see HIM carry off a dramatically engaging B-story week in, week out!

No, it can be thankless, it can.

Can Marion get his miso in here, please?!

Director Adam Miller had always planned

to revoice Tim at a later date.

But we recorded all the scenes initially with his actual voice.

And I was all like, "Dave Prowse!"

Argh! I'm all kind of excited, when can we go back to Vince's place?!

Actually, I'm not going in today. My, um, glands are up.

No frigging way! Hope it's not the mumps. The silent killer.

Mumps isn't the silent killer!

Tim's the silent killer, aren't you, Tim?

WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: Actually, no. Might be thinking of someone else.

Oh, God. How embarrassing!

Sorry. Didn't mean to show you up there.

No, no. Totally my fault. Er... Salt! Salt's the silent killer.

Yes, yes, it is. It's fine, I get that a lot.

Anyway, love to the wife.

Nice man. Terrible drinking problem.

Did I know they were going to revoice me?

No. I bloody did not. Shabby. The whole thing. Very shabby.

Basically, they came to me last minute and they were like, "Can you do a German voice"

and I said, "Actually, Ich can, as it goes,

"I was raised on ein army base outside Dusseldorf, so I'm technically eine quarter Deutsch."

So, yeah. I do Tim. I really enjoy it.

Wow, that's incredible.

What can I say - I got a facility for voices.

Do you want to hear my impression of a Chinaman with his cock caught in his flies?

Actually, I think that's all we've got time for.

So, there it is. The real story behind a cultural phenomenon.

A show at the bleeding-edge of comedy.

A show never afraid to try something new.

I think we're onto a winner here, Vince.

Play it cool, son, nice and cool...

So it seems fitting that the last words should go to a character

whose irreverent spirit has come to define the world of Mongrels.

Marion, take it away.

Marion? Marion?

Marion? Marion?

Marion?

Marion?

Marion?

Marion! Marion!

Marion!

Marion! Marion!

Marion! Marion!

Marion!

Marion!

Can Marion get some more Malibu in here, please?!