Episode 1 Monumental

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

G'day. I'm Adam Hills. Welcome to Monumental.

The panel show about Northern Ireland, hosted by an Australian.

Tonight, two teams will celebrate all that is brilliant

and bonkers about Northern Ireland, and leading the team on my right

is a comedian who's best known by only one name -

partly cos it's easy for audiences to remember

but also cos it's hard for tax inspectors to find,

give it up for Jimeoin!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Alongside Jimeoin is a Belfast comedian who's surname is also

an adjective that describes him very well.

Please welcome Michael Smiley!

APPLAUSE

And tonight's Monumental guest, to whom we'll be paying tribute later,

Ulster's answer to Anchorman Ron Burgundy,

he's kind of a big deal - it's Eamonn Holmes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Up against Jimeoin is a team captained by a comedian who was

described by the Scotsman newspaper as well-informed

and thought-provoking, and by a Scotsman on the plane as

that annoying bastard in row 27,

please welcome Andrew Maxwell!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

With them as always is a Northern Ireland comedian who has appeared on

Sketchy and Dave's One Night Stand

and once had a sketchy one-night stand with a guy called Dave,

please welcome Micky Bartlett!

APPLAUSE

And making her comedy panel show debut here tonight is

a woman who gets paid to watch Manchester United as a reporter

and presenter for MUTV.

She's living the dream of many a teenage boy

and appearing in the dreams of many more, she's Helen McConnell!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You know what I love about Northern Irish people?

Your optimism. You are genuinely the most optimistic people

I've ever come across.

You're not going with me on that - let me explain.

LAUGHTER

You have one of the worst weather systems on the planet.

As far as I can tell, you have two seasons - winter and June.

LAUGHTER

This is the wettest, cloudiest, drizzliest place I've ever been to.

The first time I saw the book 50 Shades Of Grey, I thought it was

a Northern Irish tourism brochure.

LAUGHTER

But here's how I know you're optimistic.

Despite having one of the most appalling weather systems on the planet,

there are more convertible cars sold in Northern Ireland

per head of population than anywhere else in Europe.

The minute the sun pokes its head out, you all strip off like

Kate Middleton in France and parade around like Prince Harry in Vegas.

You actually aspire to be sunburnt.

This is the only place in the world where a man can have

strips of burnt flesh hanging from his face

and be met with the words, "Ah, you're looking well".

APPLAUSE

All right. This first round is called Wish They Were One Of Us.

The teams cast their nets over the entire world

and nominate celebrities they think deserve Northern Irish citizenship.

Eamonn, you can start first. Who do you think should be Northern Irish?

AMERICAN ACCENT: Well, pilgrim... I think John Wayne.

CHEERING

The hell I do.

Why?

Because there's so many cowboys here, we might as well have one more.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And apparently he's of Scots-Ulster descent anyway,

so he's halfway there.

Ulster-Scots accent, that. "The hell I do."

Yeah!

LAUGHTER

We actually have a photo here that I think shows your love of John Wayne.

LAUGHTER

That's my wife over my knee there, actually that turns out to be.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Is that you hitting her off at the pass?

-I never knew you had two Ns in your name.

-Oh, yes.

Don't accept anything less.

All this time I've been saying it with one.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Er, Andrew. Who would you like to throw in as being Northern Irish?

I think Doctor Who,

because he has a habit of going into police phone boxes

and then disappearing.

LAUGHTER

What?! I'm just saying, he's a tout, that's all, like.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm just saying!

Jimeoin. Who would you like to toss in as being Northern Irish?

I would like to say The Avengers, the new Avengers, like Thor.

He'd be handy round the house, wouldn't he?

You know when you're up on the roof and you never have a hammer

and it's always just out of reach?

LAUGHTER

And he could just do that thing.

That'd be great. And the Hulk as well, the Hulk would be good.

Just as a bouncer.

-He's the right colour.

-He's the right colour.

-All he'd need is a bowtie.

-Yes.

To be honest, I think he could only be a bouncer

in half the nightclubs of Northern Ireland.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Helen, who would you like to throw in as being Northern Irish?

I think Nessa from Gavin and Stacey would be a good Northern Irish person.

You can just imagine her sitting in her local, just chilling out,

looking at everybody walking past.

And she also could physically rip your head off.

What we're saying is she could be Northern Irish

cos she's a big, fat ball-breaker.

LAUGHTER

That's what you're essentially saying, isn't it, Helen?

Not quite.

Yeah, like we don't have enough of those.

Micky. Who do you think should be Northern Irish?

Tom Cruise.

You remember that time when he went nuts on Oprah?

When he went "AARGH!".

I would love to see Tom Cruise try to go mental in my ma's living room.

Do you know what I mean?

She'd go, "Would you ever sit down, you mad wee shite!"

Imagine trying to tell a Northern Irish woman you're going to

be a Scientologist.

"Mum, I don't want to be a Catholic any more."

"Go to mass!"

As long as you're not a Protestant Scientologist, I don't care.

LAUGHTER

Michael, who would you like to put in?

Bruce Forsyth.

Yeah, cos he looks like a creepy uncle from over here.

We used to go to wedding receptions and most uncles I knew,

all they wanted to do was stand in a bar,

speak out of the side of their mouths and talk about car parts,

and they'd say, "Of course the Cortina wasn't as good,

"I got the Consul back in the day and they were brilliant."

Meanwhile there was the Bruce Forsyth character, going around,

talking to the wee cousins who are turning 16 and 17.

"Come on up and dance with your Uncle Bruce!"

Fact - do you know that Bruce Forsyth's grandfather designed

the botanical gardens in Belfast?

Wow! That's a great bit of trivia!

His grandfather was also a bigamist.

-What's that?

-His grandfather was also a bigamist.

LAUGHTER

He had a wife here and he had a wife in New York!

Which is where he came up with the phrase -

"nice to see you, to see you nice".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I reckon at the end of that round I'm going to award the points

to Jimeoin's team.

CHEERING

All right, we call this round, Town Challenge, in which we shove

your Belfasts, Lisburns and Newrys out of the spotlight

and welcome in some of the smaller, less well-known places,

so we can put them firmly on the tourist trail.

Jimeoin's team, you're first.

I'll give you some facts you probably don't know

about a Northern Irish town. All you need to do is name it.

Fact one.

According to the last Census, there are more people over 90

living here than in any other Northern Irish town.

Somewhere seaside, maybe?

Could be Portstewart, where I come from.

Do they go to the seaside so they can get a good view on their last days,

or is it because the wind will blow away that smell of piss?

LAUGHTER

Fact number two.

A sculpture of a man eating a pasty supper sits on a wall in this town.

And before you go any further, what is a pasty supper?

LAUGHTER

If you bought it in the middle of the day, it's pasty and chips,

but if you bought it at night, it's a pasty supper.

Anything in Northern Ireland called a supper has chips with it, yeah?

That's why the painting of the Last Supper would've been very different.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who's got my chips?

LAUGHTER

Judas is down the end eating all the wee crunchy ones.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Your third fact.

This town shares its name with 16 other places in the world.

Ballyslutmaguthrie!

LAUGHTER

Millisle?

-B...Bangor!

-Millisle? There's only 14 Millisles.

-Bangor?

-Bangor might be.

-Is there a lot of Bangors?

-There's one in Wales, isn't there?

That's two. We need 14 more...

LAUGHTER

It's the way you said "Bangor", I liked. Bangor?!

-We just need 14 more.

-Could be Bangor.

Bangor, Maine. There's one in America. That's up to three!

Bangor-desh.

LAUGHTER

Jim, as captain, what do you say?

Bangor?

Bangor's the correct answer!

Is it?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's brilliant!

I did some reading up about Bangor.

It was announced in June 2007 that the town would be the location

of Northern Ireland's first Olympic sized 50-metre swimming pool.

How have you gone until then without having one?!

-It's not been needed.

-I know but, really..?

Northern Ireland's a paddling sort of place.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If they had paddling in the Olympics,

Northern Ireland would have won it for sure.

That would be a nice event. "And they're off!" "It's cold!"

There's stuff that Northern Ireland could really excel at - paddling,

or possibly just wistfully looking out at the sea.

Imagine getting bronze, if you didn't even win gold.

"I looked away."

Walking into a headwind as well,

Olympic event of walking into a headwind with an anorak on.

Every wee Belfast mother would win it as well, though,

with two bags of shopping each.

Every lap, you give her another bag of shopping.

All right, let's move on to the next town. Andrew's team,

this town's castle was built in the early 15th century

by Hugh "The Hospitable" Maguire.

I've had Hugh's hospitality at his castle.

Is it anywhere near Carrickfergus?

Oddly enough, no.

-Right, it's not Carrickfergus.

-Different county, then.

Your next fact - the local rugby team is known as The Skins.

-OK.

-Does that help?

Uh, yes, because not all rugby teams have skin.

Third fact - the town hosts the annual Happy Days festival.

It'll not be in Tyrone cos they can't sing the Happy Days song properly

cos they would have to go, "Monday, Tuesday, happa diz,

"Thursday, Friday, happa diz,

"Sa-tur-day...!"

When they get to Saturday,

it's like, "Sat'rdy!" That's...

"What comes before Sunday? Sat'rdy!"

I'm going to go with Helen.

-What is it?

-Enniskillen.

-They've got a castle there.

Enniskillen is the correct answer.

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points are going to go to Andrew's side.

It's time now for Monumentally Missed,

in which our panellists travel back in time

to retrieve something Northern Irish that's no longer around.

Michael, what do you want to bring back?

Proper old school non-ironic nicknames

like where I come from growing up,

it was a bit like Catchphrase - say what you see.

You know what I mean? There was a...

There was a lovely, cuddly, ironic twist about it,

like Tiny's really tall,

like, there was a guy in our area

and his nickname was Weehead.

Because he had a wee head.

But also, over here as well,

we've got that thing where the nickname stays with you.

I remember, there's a mate of mine, Sean O'Hagan, lives in London.

He went home to see his da and his da's in his 80s

so Sean's with him, and as he's walking along,

there's another oul guy in his 80s the other side of the street

going past with a walking stick

and he lifts his stick up like that, the da nods to him and he goes off,

and Sean hasn't been home for years so he thinks he should know him

and he says to the da, "Who's that, Da?"

And the dad goes to him, "Thon's the Weeper McCabe."

And he says to him, "Why do you call him the Weeper McCabe?"

"Cried at his first day at school."

APPLAUSE

Helen, what would you like to bring back?

I would bring back School Around The Corner.

-AUDIENCE MURMURS

-A popular choice.

So what was it? I've not come across School Around The Corner.

It was a programme. Frank Mitchell had a certain school on every week

and they used to come on, he interviewed all the kids

and then they sang at the end the School Around The Corner song.

I once seen Frank Mitchell get chased down the street in Belfast

by a group of drunk students

singing School Around The Corner in the most aggressive fashion possible

and he was waving at them, but they were going,

"IT'S THE SCHOOL AROUND THE CORNER, JUST THE SAME!"

Jimeoin, what cherished item would you like to bring back?

I'd bring back flares.

I grew up with flares, but then I went from flares to drainpipes.

-Oh, trousers, you're talking about?

-Yeah.

I thought it was about sort of...

MICHAEL MAKES A SHOOTING NOISE

No, flares. You remember the big wide trousers?

And then they went to drainpipes. My mother actually took them in,

she just took my flares in but she didn't cut off the excess material.

-She just folded it over.

-Flaps?

And then I had to play in a game of football.

I had a blowout in one of the legs.

Eamonn, what would you like to bring back?

Like many children growing up in '70s Belfast,

we had a lot of fun with kerbstones.

LAUGHTER

Not like that. We didn't throw them or anything or break them up

but did anybody ever play cribby or kerby?

-Kerbsy.

-Kerbsy, is that what you called it?

So what did kerbsy involve?

Well, the whole ethos of the game is that you take a ball

and your mate stands across the road

and you wait for a vital moment when there's a car not going by,

and then you aim, you throw the ball at the kerb on the other side

and if you hit it, and this is the really great feeling,

if it hits just spot on, the sweet spot, bing!

It comes right back into your arms and that's how you score.

Then what you used to do was, if you caught it before it hit the ground,

you cold go into the middle of the road and get closer and closer.

Then you'd get up to the edge

-and go, "20, 40, 60, 80, 100, I win!"

-Yes!

And he would start gurning and then you'd lamp him.

APPLAUSE

-We should go do it.

-We should.

Man, I'd like to see people just passing by in their cars,

"Is that Eamonn Holmes playing...?"

Micky, what would you like to bring back?

I would like to bring back elastic band catapults.

Do you remember you used to get a massive bit of paper,

like, a huge bit of paper and just fold it up

and just keep folding it up, and then it would be about that thick

and then you'd shoot your mate in the leg with it

and he'd cry! It was brilliant!

Oh, to think in other parts of the world

-they were reading off that piece of paper!

-I know!

What's the point in reading when you can accidentally

hit your RE teacher in the boob with a massive bit of paper,

thus giving her a small swelling in her boob

and then creating a rumour that everyone thought she had three boobs,

and then from that day forward, her name was Total Recall.

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, I'm giving the points to Jimeoin's team.

APPLAUSE

Cheers!

It's time for Mystery Monumental now, where our panel

find themselves in the presence of true Northern Irish greatness.

They have to work out what that greatness is.

All right, would you please welcome

tonight's Mystery Monumental guest, Colin!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Mr Big Stuff" by Jean Knight

Colin is a world record holder from Northern Ireland

but what was his remarkable achievement? Here's your first clue.

In competition, Colin's secret weapon is a tub of Vaseline.

LAUGHTER

OK! It's going to be one of those parties!

Don't get the Vaseline confused with the Vicks.

Wow!

Woo!

That's a spicy meatball!

Colin, can you give us your second clue, please?

Yes, my second clue is, my opponent is a person called the Black widow.

-Oh.

-Oh!

You should spit when you say that name - The Black Widow.

Your third clue is an actual newspaper headline celebrating

Colin's achievement. We've blanked out one word to keep you guessing.

-HELEN:

-Is it some sort of eating competition?

Yes, you're getting close.

Eating burgers?

-JIMEOIN:

-198 burgers?

Pasty suppers?

-HELEN:

-That would be a good record.

Can you tell us where you smear the Vaseline?

Uh...

-Around my chin area.

-Chin?

Your chin area? And is that to avoid friction?

-Cuts.

-Cuts?

-I think I know what it is.

-Go.

Oysters.

Yes, it is!

APPLAUSE

Colin Shirlow holds the world record for oyster eating.

233 in three minutes.

Colin, is that good for your bowels?

Two days.

LAUGHTER

Does it have...? They say it has a bit of an aphrodisiacal, um...

Does it put lead in the pencil, Colin?

Can you go like a two-stroke engine, Colin?

Are you like a Honda 125? You know what I mean,

you heavy on the revs, Colin?

What are you like with the clutch action, Colin?

Can you get a couple of bags of cement on the back, Colin?

I keep the brake well on.

Lovely lad, lovely lad!

APPLAUSE

-I think I'd like to see a little bit of oyster eating.

-ANDREW:

-I'm in!

-I love oysters.

-Really?

-I absolutely love oysters.

OK, well, come on down, Andrew Maxwell.

APPLAUSE

The challenge, Andrew Maxwell, is this -

can you down five in the same time it takes Colin to down 25?

-OK.

-You ready?

-I'm ready.

-Let's do this, big fella.

-OK.

Right?

On your marks, get set,

go.

MUSIC: "Under The Sea" from The Little Mermaid

All down!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for Colin Shirlow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hold...

Hold...

You'll be sorry!

Colin's just thrown up!

Tell you what, you're not kissing me tonight with that mouth.

This is a nickname that will stick, isn't it?

Arsewinker Maxwell!

Is it going at 5p, 50p, 5p, 50p?

APPLAUSE

Don't touch me, don't touch me!

The next round is about those monumental and not-so-monumental moments

that made the headlines here in Northern Ireland,

but can our panellists work out the stories from the headlines alone?

Here's your first headline.

BUZZER

Shoes?

U2 say yes to two new shoes?

No. The answer was David Trimble and John Hume joined U2 on stage.

Next headline...

BUZZER

Turkey rustling.

No, I was just sitting funny.

The actual story was,

police were warning poultry farmers to lock their turkeys up at night

due to an increased risk of theft in the run-up to Christmas.

BUZZER

Espana '82, World Cup that year.

Northern Ireland beat the host nation one-nil, Gerry Armstrong.

That's exactly what it is. Well done, Eamonn Holmes!

APPLAUSE

Your next headline...

BUZZER

Down celebrates the day of de-lights being turned on and...

..the lights being turned off?

No, this is another football story. This is Gaelic football this time.

I think they won the All-Ireland...

It was one of the years, in '91, against Meath.

Eamonn Holmes, bringing knowledge to the show!

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, I am giving the points,

mainly because of Eamonn Holmes, to Jimeoin's team.

APPLAUSE

All right, moving on to the final round

and before we find out who are this week's Monumental champions,

it's time to pay a glowing tribute to this week's special guest.

He's a national treasure who millions of us wake up to every morning.

Frankly, I don't know where he gets the energy.

Ladies and gentlemen, the panellist getting Monumental status this week

is the man, the legend that is Eamonn Holmes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on over, sir.

-Look at us together!

-Look at us.

I look like I'm your ventriloquist's dummy.

I feel like Santa Claus here.

Were you always destined to be on telly, do you think?

Oh, goodness me, no. I was useless at everything else.

My father was a carpet fitter and all my brothers could be carpet fitters

and could do it. I couldn't do it, so I had to find something and quick,

so I could talk a bit, and that's really what happened.

Looking at this photo,

-it looks a bit more like you were destined to be a builder.

-Oh.

That's the John Wayne connection again.

Or a member of the Village People!

Eamonn's worked with almost everybody in British broadcasting

but I heard that one of your biggest inspirations was Des Lynam.

What is it that you admire so much about this man?

Des is the epitome of coolness under pressure,

suave, sophisticated, and all I need to do now is grow the moustache

and the transformation will be complete.

-Well, we have proof that you did try to grow that moustache.

-Oh!

BANJO MUSIC

Now, I'm going to show you another photo.

-You and this animal have a lot in common.

-Oh, yes! Yes!

One night, I was going, as usual, quite late,

to Belfast City airport, George Best airport,

and the wind was howling and the rain was lashing

and the taxi I was in, it was running quite late,

and he had to stop at the zebra crossing outside the airport

and you know why he stopped?

Because a penguin was waddling across the road,

going into the airport, and you know what the thing is?

The taxi driver never even commented on it.

He stopped, and then he just drove on

and I said, "That was a p-p-p-p-penguin!

I said, "There was a penguin there!"

And he said, "Oh, so it is. So it is!"

Something that was on a little island out in Belfast Lough or something

-and it was blown in. It was...

-Plastic bag!

Does anyone know what Eamonn has in common with that penguin?

You share the same name. That baby penguin is called Eamonn Holmes.

-Stop it.

-Because what do you get

-for the man from North Belfast who has everything?

-What?

You go to the zoo and you ask them to name an animal after him

and that penguin is now known as Eamonn Holmes.

APPLAUSE

Here is the certificate to prove it.

Ah, that's absolutely... That's wonderful. He is like me.

He's black and white and all puffed up, so yeah, very good.

-JIMEOIN:

-Can we see the shot of the penguin again?

It looks like the penguin's going,

"But...but my name's Kevin.

"I'm Kevin."

All through his teenage years, Eamonn dreamed of being an anchorman

and only had to wait until you were 21 to become one.

What was that like?

Well, it was amazing, it was absolutely incredible,

but I nearly didn't get the job

because I said to them, "How much is it?"

And at the time, I was earning 3,000 quid a year

and the producer said to me, "It's the NUJ rate,"

he said, "it's £44.44."

I said, "That's less than I'm getting now.

"No, I don't want the job."

He said, "I'll ask you to consider this, young man.

"You're very, very young. No-one has ever turned down anything like this."

I said, "No disrespect, that's just not enough money."

Basically, to cut a long story short, as he threw me out of his office,

the secretary said to me, "Why did you turn down?"

I said, "I may be young, I may be only 21, but I'm not stupid."

I said, "£44.44 a week?"

She said, "That's a day."

Let me just take that and pop that behind you.

We can't talk about Eamonn without talking about the love of his life,

a love he doesn't mind sharing with 404,000 followers on Twitter.

-Just say half a million.

-Thank you.

You sent this tweet...

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

That was a beautiful Saturday at Old Trafford.

It's just a lovely place to be. It's my great escape.

Did you have your 50th birthday there as well?

I did have my 50th birthday there.

I think we have a photo of the cake.

It looks like a kid's cake!

How did you get access to that?

We did talk to Ruth. Of course, Ruth is your wife,

she does get a bit of stick but when it comes down to it,

Eamonn is like any other red-blooded Northern Irishman.

If you mess with his girl, you better watch out.

Do you fancy another...biscuit?

I don't want another biscuit.

But I do want another...

Whoa!

THUDDING KICKS

-Get up!

-I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Ow!

Now, tell me.

Do you want me to...

release the balls?

Yes, please!

Hey, honey.

It's a rollover.

APPLAUSE

It's a long story. We haven't got time to explain.

Eamonn Holmes, you are a legend.

We could spend the rest of the night talking about your career

but there's another legend who wants to have his say.

Well, Eamonn, I believe

you've been awarded this Monumental Northern Ireland status award.

God, that's a mouthful.

I don't know whether to congratulate or commiserate with you

but anyway, well done.

All your achievements in television

and being a terrific person in itself

I think you fully deserve everything that comes your way,

particularly from your home country Northern Ireland,

so enjoy it, obviously a good day for you

and I look forward to seeing you soon. Well done.

APPLAUSE

I am chuffed to bits. That's brilliant.

That means so much. Thank you.

Eamonn Holmes, you are monumental.

Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's lovely.

Eamo! Eamo! Eamo! Eamo!

That final round tipped you over the edge.

Jimeoin's team are the winners tonight!

CHEERING

Cheers!

Well done, team. Well done.

It's thanks to Jimeoin, Michael Smiley, Micky Bartlett,

Andrew Maxwell, Helen McConnell

and Eamonn Holmes!

-Thank you. Thank you very much indeed.

-Absolute pleasure, sir.

My name's Adam Hills.

You lovely people of Northern Ireland have been truly monumental.

Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd