Episode 2 Monumental

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE

G'day. I'm Adam Hills. Welcome to Monumental, the panel show

about Northern Ireland hosted by an Australian.

Tonight, two teams will celebrate the great, the good, the weird

and the wonderful of Northern Ireland. And the team on my right

is led by a comedian who has performed

in the Royal Variety Performance, Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow

and the chorus of Oklahoma in Dominican College, Portstewart.

It's Jimeoin!

APPLAUSE

With Jimeoin every week is the current

Best Supporting Actor at the British Independent Film Awards

and Holywood County Down's 437th richest man - Michael Smiley.

APPLAUSE

And joining them this week, is the Tyrone comic and actor who puts

the culchie into multiculturalism, star of his very own

sketch show SKETCHY - Diarmuid Corr.

APPLAUSE

Captaining the other team on my left is a comic you'll know

from Live At The Apollo who has appeared in Las Vegas

alongside Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock -

Viva Andrew Maxwell.

APPLAUSE

His regular sidekick is a comedian who's been on

Dave's One Night Stand and the floor of every decent kebab shop

in his native Lurgan. It's Micky Bartlett.

APPLAUSE

And joining them is tonight's Monumental guest to whom

we'll be paying a very special tribute later on.

She is a legendary Northern Irish Olympian

who won gold in the pentathlon in 1972. She makes Usain Bolt

look like a slacker. She is the incredible Dame Mary Peters.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No way I'm an Aussie. I know enough about this place to know that

my favourite phrase in the world is "Happy days." Nowhere else

on the planet does anyone say, "Happy days."

"How long are you here for?"

"Two weeks." "Happy days."

"What are you going to do?"

"Just drive a car." "Happy days."

I would have loved to have been here in the '70s

when that TV show with Fonzie was on.

Just for the theme song. # Sunday, Monday... # Happy days.

A wee while ago, I was commentating on the Paralympics

and I had a bet with a co-presenter about who would win

the most medals and I lost the bet and what that meant was,

I had to have my prosthetic foot -

because I have an artificial foot - painted with a Union Jack.

I didn't really think that through, did I?

Because now I've come to Belfast and this is what my foot looks like.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Happy days.

Can I ask you how many medals Australia won at the Olympics?

I think you'll find Australia boycotted the Olympics.

You know they always criticise the Brits because they only

win sitting down.

The Australians sat down too long.

Happy days!

I knew I was going to cop it here, I wasn't expecting it from a dame!

All right, let's get into the first round.

This round is called Wish They Were One Of Us.

Each team has to nominate international celebrities that

they think deserve honorary Northern Irish status.

We will start with our VIP guest.

-How should we refer to you? Is it Dame Mary?

-No, no, no. I'm Mary P.

-Wow.

-That's what my friends call me.

-It's kind of gangster.

I'm Mary P!

DMC Mary P, that's nice, isn't it?

With a shot put instead of the... you know.

You kind of sound like a drunken bloke having a pee.

"I'll have a wee MARY P before I go."

All right, Mary P, who do you think deserves to be

-Northern Irish?

-I'm going to choose Usain Bolt.

-Usain Bolt.

-Yes.

-Why is that?

Because he can run fast

and if he stole from a shop, he'd get away from the police right away.

What's his symbol? You were actually showing me beforehand.

You've been visiting schools. There it is.

I've seen Mo Farah go to do Usain Bolt

and then realised that wasn't his.

He did the...

So is this meant to be like a lightning bolt?

-Is that what that is?

-Yes.

-Right.

So if he was in northern Ireland it would probably be

a white lightning bolt?

-Jimeoin, who would you throw in the pot?

-Snoop Doggy Dogg,

because where I come from in North Antrim, Ballymoney, we had that

hand signal that was, you know... and that would just fit right in.

You know, Snoop Dogg, West Side, West Side Ballymoney.

East Side Ballymoney and as well as that, in his videos... Instead

of having those skanky hos,

you know those ones that were always doing that.

A bit of Irish dancers just in the video clips.

A ginger-haired girl with curly hair in the background.

Just filthy from the knees down.

She's got the dirtiest shins in the business.

I'm trying to do Irish dancing here.

I can even do the lay and the jump.

How does he do it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Andrew, who would you like to offer up?

Sean Connery, because he has to cover up

his lower arm tattoos to get a job.

I think Sean Connery is an excellent choice.

I especially love the idea of there being an Northern Irish Bond.

Oh, yes. He'd would be brief though.

There would be none of this, "Mr Bond,

"you have several days to escape from my lair."

He's just going to shoot you and then go home.

That's it. "I'm busy, I want a sausage and there's none here."

His arch-nemesis would be called Dr Never! Never! Never! Never!

I'd love to see a Bond from Tyrone.

"What would you like to drink, Mr Bond?"

"Cheers, boy. I'll have a...

"I'll have a double vodka and Red Bull there, please. Shaken."

One of my best mates, he used to work with a dude called

James Bond, who used to work in a slaughterhouse.

He actually had a licence to kill.

Right. Michael Smiley,

who would you like to offer up as an honorary Northern Irishman?

I think somebody like Paul O'Grady or something like that.

We need more camp Northern Ireland people.

And there's something about the Belfast accent that really

lends itself to the campness of the voice the whole time.

Belfast is quite a matriarchal city

so it's run by women the whole time, so even if you're around them,

-if I'm around more than five Belfast women, I get a wee bit camp.

-Me too.

-All time!

-I know! I'm out-camping them.

All of a sudden I'm like, "Come here, dear. You look a million dollars.

"I love what you've done with yourself! Would you look at...

"Love it! I love your shoes.

"Where did you get those shoes. They look amazing."

Which one are you, Samson or Goliath?

-Diarmuid, who would you throw in to the pot?

-Moses...

..as a Belfast taxi driver,

because whenever he came out of exile in the desert

and he came up to the Hebrews and he said, "All right, fellow Hebrews?

"I was out in the desert there, so I was,

"and I was talking to God, so I was, and he told me that I'm to

"lead you all to a bit of land that he promised us, so he did.

"Now from where we are in Egypt, it would take a good

"two days walking, so it would. But I know a shortcut, so I do."

40 years later, they arrive.

APPLAUSE

Mickey, who do you think should be nominated?

I would like to have David Hasselhoff

as a Northern Ireland patron, for a couple of reasons.

Number one, that time he came home drunk

and ate the burger off the bathroom floor.

The only thing that was missing out of that was

he didn't look at the burger and go, "Yo!"

As well as that, from Baywatch,

he would have proper lifeguard experience.

He could save people's lives.

He wouldn't be like a Northern Irish lifeguard

just standing on the beach shouting advice.

"John, kick your legs!

"Kick your legs, John! I'm not going in! It's freezing!"

I think I'm going to award that round to Andrew's team

for the combination of Usain Bolt, Sean Connery and David Hasselhoff.

All three of those should be Northern Irish.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, this next round is all about trying to sell

Northern Ireland as a tourist resort, but not the big famous

places that already get the glory, this is about the small places.

Firstly, Jimeoin's team, I'm going to give you some lesser-known facts

about a Northern Irish town.

You have to name that town.

Fact number one -

during the Cold War, this town decided to build a nuclear bunker.

Construction finished just in time - in 1990.

I know that in Coalisland they had coal bunkers.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that nearly everybody in Coalisland

-had their own coal bunker.

-So that if there was a coal attack...

-In a way, it was their war against the cold.

-Oh, right.

It was their Cold War.

APPLAUSE

All right, here's your next fact.

The Electric Light Orchestra were once banned from playing

a gig here by the local authorities, fearing it would lead to,

"the four Ds of drink, drugs, the Devil and debauchery."

You'd think the devil would be able to sum it all up.

Like, "The devil is there. Debauchery as well?!

"Too much for me."

Here's your final fact.

If you were to phone a certain launderette in this town,

the owner on the other end of the line might say, "I don't know

"who you are but my wee brother will find you and he will kill you."

God, that could be anywhere!

The ELO one's a giveaway, isn't it?

-I think I remember this actually. Ballymena.

-It is indeed Ballymena.

APPLAUSE

That last quote was Liam Neeson from...

Which particular movie was at?

-I don't know.

-Taken.

The best thing Liam Neeson has ever done

is get rid of his Ballymena accent. Have you ever seen Taken?

"I will find you and I will kill you."

Imagine that if he still had a Ballymena accent,

just be on the phone going, "Listen here, boy.

"I don't know where you live, but I know your mammy."

Andrew's team, here's the first clue in your town challenge.

Fact number one - the ancestral home of the American President

Andrew Jackson is on the outskirts of this town.

Like a true Ulsterman, Jackson was never one to back down.

He had been wounded so frequently in duels, it was said

he rattled like a bag of marbles.

Andrew Jackson, the founder of the Democratic party.

The scourge of the Indians. Yes, old Hickory himself.

You look like you have just come across your nemesis.

He wiped out my nation. I was the last of my people.

What were yous called, the sarky tribe?

-Or maybe you were, maybe you weren't.

-All right, here's your second fact -

Prince William has been made baron of this town

but he's never actually been there.

-You're a dame, do you know anything about barons?

-Nothing at all.

What happened when you became a dame? What's the process?

Is it like a ceremony and you hold...

Yes, but we don't have the sword. We just have the...

Just the pat. Just a pat from the Queen. "Nice one!"

All right, here's your final fact -

a historical landmark in this town has been fought over

by English, Scottish and Irish invaders, but to get into it

these days costs a mere £5 or £3 concession.

Is that my ex-girlfriend?

-Still hurts, huh? Still hurts.

-As team captain you need to...

-I think we should demur to the Dame, should we?

-Yes, we'll do that.

You get to choose, Mary.

-Enniskillen.

-Enniskillen we're going for.

Carrickfergus.

The British period title of Baron Carrickfergus, which had been

extinct since 1883, was bestowed upon Prince William

on his wedding day.

Technically that means Prince William is partly Northern Irish,

which explains why his wife got her baps out on holiday.

At the end of that round, the points go to Jimeoin's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This next round asks if there is anything particularly Northern Irish

that doesn't exist any more that the teams would like to bring back.

It could be anything from a favourite toy,

slang term, or a weird and wonderful long-lost local custom.

-Jimeoin, you can start.

-I would like to see Police 6.

It was a programme on during the Troubles,

I don't know if anyone remembers it.

During the height of the Troubles, they would always just...

Really petty crimes and it was just...

Regardless of what was going on, there would be something

really trivial, so I'd just love to see Police 6.

Now, I wasn't aware of what Police 6 is,

so I've tracked down little bit of footage.

Here it is.

Back to Belfast and the mystery

of the disappearing technical drawing pens.

More than 90 of these specialist drawing instruments have gone

missing from an office at Belfast shipyard. Here's what they look like.

They were made by Faber-Castell

and each pack would cost you in the region of £21.

If you can help police enquiries in any way, ring this number.

During the height of the Troubles, just some bomb, just some

town has been blown up, terrible, but what about the pens?

Where are the pens? Who's got the pen?

Andrew, what would you like to bring back?

The ads in the carpet at Belfast International Airport.

-What were they?

-I don't know. They were ads for sausages and stuff.

It was like sausages, potatoes, crisps,

the confidential phone number.

And then it would say, "Bienvenue a Belfast!"

You know you've just landed back into Belfast, "Urgh!"

And they were always on the floor. They knew, they knew their market.

The people are going to be downtrodden and looking down.

"I'm going to be living in me mam's house again."

They'll be looking downward.

They wouldn't have thrown those carpets away,

they're in someone's house.

You go into the front room, "Cookstown sausages."

Diarmuid, what would you like to bring back?

You know the way, years ago,

whenever you were driving somewhere and your mum and dad

would see a hitchhiker on the road thumbing a lift

and, out of sheer politeness, um, they would stop and pick him up

and put us in the boot.

LAUGHTER

Happened to you too, then, I take it, yeah?

It didn't matter if the guy had a rucksack with limbs hanging

out of it and a samurai sword - "Get in the boot, let that man in!"

Our auntie got us out of the car and we had to walk home

-while she gave people a lift.

-Brilliant!

-Michael Smiley, what would you like to bring back?

-Indoor fireworks.

LAUGHTER

Indoor fireworks.

If you're a man or a woman of a certain age,

you will remember indoor fireworks. There was a point

where we weren't trusted with real fireworks any more

in case we made a big one. So there would be a couple of sparklers,

but that was given to your dad, cos he was the head of the household.

So there would be my dad reading the Belfast Telegraph just doing that.

And all us gathered around and they'd get the things open

and this one, it turns into a snake! Agh!

And there was a wee brown tablet and you lit it and it just went, "Meh!"

Just turned into like a brown slug.

Micky, what do you want to bring back?

Anyone remember this, remember button-up tracksuit bottoms?

-I want to bring back...

-SOME APPLAUSE

Yeah! If we had a non-uniform day in school, there was two fears.

Either, number one, being punched in the buttons,

which sounds dirtier than what it is.

And the other one was de-bagging, because you could...

You could de-bag someone in button-up trousers

from about a mile and a half away.

-Exactly what's de-bagging?

-Just you'd de-bag them!

-Mary knew!

-Even the dame knows that!

-Yeah, you were all over that!

-LAUGHTER

Have you ever de-bagged anyone?

Yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Er, do you know what, I'm going to give that round to Jimeoin's team.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This next round is called Mystery Monumental

and it's all about celebrating a phenomenal achievement

by a Northern Irish person you probably haven't heard of.

Would you please welcome tonight's Mystery Monumental guests -

Mickey, Felix, Daryl, Campbell, Eamon, Ronan and another Mickey.

APPLAUSE

Now we know Mickey, Felix, Daryl, Campbell, Eamon, Ronan

and another Mickey are Monumental, but what are they Monumental for?

I'll give you a hint - not synchronised swimming.

Here's your first clue.

Two players dropped out with sore arms.

-MARY: Arm wrestlers?

-No.

There's something about them. They do look like they're sporting,

but they also like the convivial sporting life.

All of them look like they're no strangers to being very drunk.

But it's definitely a sport, it involves the arm,

-I think it's bowling.

-OK, I'm going to move on.

Here's your second clue. This is a headline

from a newspaper of the time about their Monumental event. It said...

JIMEOIN: Are you a paramilitary group?

LAUGHTER

All right, here's your final clue.

Every throw was streamed live on the internet from a pub in Omagh.

MARY: I think they're darts throwers.

OK, what Monumental achievement did you think they achieved

-whilst throwing darts?

-They threw more than a team of seven

usually do for a world championships?

I know what it is!

These seven men scored a bull's-eye with one giant dart!

A sentence I've never said, but I'm going to say it.

Listen to the dame.

EFFEMINATE VOICE: So I think it's, er...

LAUGHTER

They scored a certain amount of points

with fewer darts than anyone has ever achieved.

-1,001.

-1,001? It's not 1,001. Do you want to have a...?

-1,002.

-LAUGHTER

-We could be here for some time.

-Is there an up to this?

Is it 1,000,001?

-Yes, Jimeoin, it's 1,000,001!

-1,000,001.

-Really?

-CHEERING

-These guys...

These guys are the Omagh-based darts team who hold the world record

for scoring 1,000,001 points with the least number of darts.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So let's get some perspective. How long did that whole thing take?

48 hours.

-So how many darts did you do altogether?

-Er, 38,095.

That must have been a trailer-load of darts!

Where would you get that many darts?

Probably smuggled them across the border from Bundoran or something!

Lads, if you wouldn't mind stepping over there,

it's time to bring in the dartboard.

Here's the challenge - one of you against one of us.

If you would like to select your best player, please.

One dart closest to the bull. Take it away, Michael.

Ooh! All right. Thank you, sir. Round of applause for Michael.

APPLAUSE

I nominate the sportsperson among us.

Dame Mary Peters!

CHEERING

Here is your dart.

-Oh, how embarrassing.

-Oh, oh, oh!

-LAUGHTER

-Just to steady the ship.

JIMEOIN: Throw the pint! LAUGHTER

Ooh! Hold it, hold on, hold on.

Now, technically, you guys won that, but it's not fair,

you're used to throwing darts.

Dame Mary's used to throwing a shot put.

LAUGHTER

-Dame Mary, this is a 1 kg shot put...

-OK.

-Just to prove it...

-IT THUDS

If you'd like to do your best with that, please,

and see how close you can get to the bull.

SOME LAUGHTER

-MICHAEL:

-Hang on a minute, I'm over here!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE

-I'm going to say that was a draw.

-LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up

for Mickey, Felix, Daryl, Campbell, Eamon, Ronan and another Mickey!

CHEERING

All right, I'm going to show the teams

a series of newspaper headlines that link to Monumental

and not so Monumental events in Northern Irish history.

Teams, buzz in, guess what the headlines are all about.

First headline...

-BUZZ!

-Yes?

Is it a dinosaur with bad camouflage?

-It was a dinosaur footprint in Armagh.

-Oh?

That's what you need - a dinosaur saying,

"I've been marching here for five million years!"

-LAUGHTER

-Headline number two...

BUZZ! Craigavon's next top model?

LAUGHTER

Er, the price of pork goes up was what we were looking for.

Next headline...

-BUZZ!

-Jimeoin?

Is it his wife in the boot? LAUGHTER

Weirdly, the answer is a taxi driver has a fox for a pet.

Last one...

-BUZZ!

-Mary?

-Bog snorkelling?

-You'd be annoyed if someone promised you a dirty weekend

and you ended up bog snorkelling!

-BUZZ!

-In fairness, Adam,

I don't think you know what bog snorkelling means here!

LAUGHTER

It is...

It is so worth the B&B!

It was volunteers planting trees in Tyrone.

Do you know what, at the end of that round,

I'll give the points to Andrew's team!

CHEERING

All right, the end is nigh, but before we reveal tonight's winners,

it's time to pay tribute to our special guest.

She's a double Commonwealth gold winning pentathlete and, in 1972,

she became a household name by winning gold at the Munich Olympics.

Now, to achieve what this lady has, you really do need dedication,

so who better than the late great Roy Castle to introduce her?

Now, you may be clever and you may be bold

But you need dedication if you wanna win a gold

Now, that's not joking No, that's no jape

For a gold, you've gotta be first at the tape!

# Dedication! Oh, oh, dedication!

# Oh, oh, dedication! That's what you need

# If you wanna be the best If you wanna beat the rest

# Dedication's what you need! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Dame Mary Peters!

CHEERING

Now, Mary is a sweet lady these days, but there was a time

when she was one of the toughest ladies in the world. Have a look

at this photo of her doing a little bit of light exercise.

AUDIENCE GASPS

JIMEOIN: You could do your back in there! Are you lifting that?!

And I'm not going to mess

with a lady who makes this face when she's winning.

MARY LAUGHS

-MICHAEL:

-When do you pull that face now?

Getting shopping out of the car or something like that?

-Putting your jeans on, pulling your jeans on?

-I had constipation that day.

LAUGHTER

Wow! Thank God there was a massive amount of sand underneath you!

LAUGHTER

I think the expression "no pain, no gain"

was invented to go with this footage.

LOUD YELL: Ow, ya...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS MICKY: I love that clip!

Because it sounds like you're going to shout "bastard" at the end of it!

"Ow, ya bastard!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Back in the early '70s, you knew you were famous when you were asked

to appear on BBC One's big Saturday night entertainment show

Bruce Forsyth's Generation Game!

Now, I find it hard to believe that you might flirt with the host...

SHE LAUGHS, AUDIENCE JOINS IN

Yeah, that's right!

That knee's not going to touch itself!

But that's exactly what you did. Have a look at this.

The one and only Miss Mary Peters!

And tell me, my dear, tell me, what is your next athletic meeting?

Tonight, you and I.

LAUGHTER

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoa!

-What...? "Whoa"?!

LAUGHTER

-You get in the queue, mate! Um...

-LAUGHTER

She could kill you! Um...

I'm not going to ask what happened later that night, but I did hear

a rumour of someone passing Bruce's room and hearing, "Ow, ya..."

LAUGHTER

And here's a quick message from one of your other biggest fans.

Hi, Mary, congratulations on being declared Monumental.

You inspired so many. Here's something special.

It's called the Mary-Bot, just for you.

Come on, guys, let's all do it!

Mary-Bot!

APPLAUSE

Where do you keep your gold medal?

It's actually in the Ulster Museum, but I have a copy with me tonight.

MICHAEL: # Da-da-da... #

Did they give you this or did you have it made?

I had it made, because, um, I like to go and show it to schoolchildren.

-What's up, yo, Mary P!

-LAUGHTER

Yeah, see, Mary P wearing a bit of that

now looks a bit more appropriate, doesn't it?

APPLAUSE, MARY LAUGHS

Dame Mary Peters, you really have done it all and we want you

to keep doing it for plenty more years to come.

Here's a little surprise message on what the future may hold

from one of your biggest fans.

Hi, Dame Mary, congratulations

on being awarded Monumental status tonight.

You've spent a lifetime dedicated to sport and to your country,

winning gold in the 1972 Olympics in Munich

and representing Northern Ireland in every Commonwealth Games

from 1958 to 1974, winning three more gold medals.

You've been awarded an MBE, CBE, GBE

and made Lord Lieutenant of city of Belfast

and all for your service to sport

and the community in Northern Ireland.

You're probably wondering, "What next?

"Where do I go from here?" Crisps, maybe?

LAUGHTER Congratulations, Dame Mary.

Have a good night and, remember, crisps!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, the woman, the legend, Dame Mary Peters,

you are truly Monumental!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It was dead even until the final round,

but by being Monumental, you tipped your team over the line.

-Andrew, Micky and Dame Mary Peters have won the show.

-Yes!

CHEERING

It's thanks to Jimeoin, Michael Smiley and Diarmuid Corr!

Andrew Maxwell, Micky Bartlett and the Monumental Dame Mary Peters!

CHEERING

I've been Adam Hills and you lovely people of Northern Ireland have been truly Monumental. Goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

MUSIC: "Get Over You" by The Undertones

# Dressed like that you must be living in a different world

# And your mother doesn't know why

# You can't look like all the other girls

# Boys stop you on the street They wanna know your name

# To reach you on the phone cos they know your game

# Always running up the alley trying to get home... #