Episode 3 Monumental

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

G'day, I'm Adam Hills, welcome to Monumental -

the panel show about Northern Ireland, hosted by an Australian.

Tonight, two teams will battle it out to prove just how

monumentally magnificent Northern Ireland is,

and captaining the team on my right is a comedian and one-time

gardener, who has both a green thumb and a red nose - it's Jimeoin.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

With Jimeoin every week is the comic and actor who's

been in Spaced, Kill List, Shaun of the Dead and Burke and Hare,

but tonight, he's in a lovely shirt and jeans, it's Michael Smiley.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Joining them is a stand-up and writer who's

performed in the Galway, Edinburgh and Kilkenny Festivals and has

toured all over the world, the awesomely awesome Eleanor Tiernan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In charge of the opposing team is a man considered to be comic royalty,

partly because he was once voted King of Comedy on a TV show,

but mainly because he was photographed nude

in a Las Vegas hotel room - it's Andrew Maxwell.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

With him, the comic from Lurgan who's the only man in history to have gigged at the Odyssey,

the Waterfront and the Townhouse Bar in Castlederg,

it's Micky Bartlett.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And our Monumental guest, to whom we'll be paying a very

special tribute later on is a man who has the unique

distinction of having been involved in one of the greatest

sporting spectacles, whilst wearing great sporting spectacles!

It's the spectacularly-wonderful, Dennis Taylor.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What I've learned about Northern Ireland is, you're friendly...

and you're not.

For example, the phrase, "What about you?" That sounds threatening.

When someone walks up and goes, "What about you?"

What about my what?! It's a lovely phrase.

As opposed to "deadly".

Only in Northern Ireland can something that's good be deadly!

"How was dinner last night?" "Oh, the food was deadly."

"What was the movie like?" "Oh, the movie was deadly."

Northern Irish people end up in Australia, how does that work?

"Hey, mate, see that spider over there? That spider's deadly."

Time now for Wish They Were One Of Us, in which our teams come up

with people they think deserve to be honorary Northern Irelanders.

Dennis, you can start first. Who do you think should be Northern Irish?

Ian Woosnam. You all know Ian Woosnam, the Ryder Cup captain?

He was... Well, he still is a very good friend of mine,

in fact, he was the best man when I got married again, ten years ago.

Was he the best man for both, did he do the same speech twice?

-He did.

-Word for word? "I've heard all these jokes..."

Well, not word for word, I think he changed the bride's name!

What is it about Ian Woosnam that you think would make him perfect in Northern Ireland?

Because he is just one of the boys. I don't know if you remember,

when they won the Ryder Cup, Ian afterwards with

a magnum of champagne. If it hadn't have come down his nose,

he would have drank the whole bottle in one go.

I think we've got a photo of it.

ANDREW: Yeah, that's an Irishman all right.

Puking off a balcony, in a cardigan.

Jimeoin, who would you like to throw in as being Northern Irish?

Er, Jesus.

He lived at home until he was in his 30s...

There was a few years no-one knew where he was.

A bit like Gerry Adams.

And, er, he did ten years in prison.

I made that bit up.

Yeah, I think Jesus could have been an Irishman, yeah?

Because once you get an Irishman in flip-flops,

-you can't get him back out of them.

-Talking about...

There's a wee fellow from Belfast, he had two left feet and he went

into a shoe shop and he said, "Have you got a pair of flip-flips?"

If the left one goes flip and the right one goes flop,

that's how you know if you've got them on the right feet.

If it's going flop-flip, flop-flip, you're going,

"Hang on, I've got these on the wrong feet."

Michael, who would you like to nominate as being Northern Irish?

-Katie Taylor.

-The boxer?

-Mm.

-Uh-huh. Why?

Just because it's very rare

that a woman will weigh themselves in public.

And I think she should set an example to some

women in Northern Ireland who, when they go out,

must, before they go out, must only have a mirror that size.

They've got tan around here, but the rest of them are sort of white.

And they're rippling in all the wrong bits.

Do you ever see women who only tan the bits that are on show?

Their face, a bit of shoulder and that wee bit on top of their boobs.

And then it'll be white

and then a wee bit on their legs. My ex-girlfriend used to do it.

My ex-girlfriend, in the nude, looked like an Armagh Gaelic top.

Eleanor, who would you like to add as being Northern Irish?

I would choose The Proclaimers, because of their song where

they say they would walk 500 miles and then 500 more,

and I think that is the exact length of the queue to

get into the Titanic Museum, at the moment.

# I would walk 500 miles...

# Just to see the ship that sank to the ocean floor. #

Before we go any further, I want to get this entirely square.

When we Irishmen built that boat, it was perfectly fine.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Then we passed it on to the English and then it went wrong.

Nothing to do with us. We were just fiddling in the basement.

Micky, who do you think should be Northern Irish?

I'd like to have Walt Disney. Purely to see what the movies

would be like. Different movies with Northern Irish themes,

you'd have, you know, Snow White and the Birmingham Six...

You'd have Beauty and the Best.

The Lion King would become The Lyin' Bastard.

# Akuna matata What a wonderful sound... #

Do you know you actually get your accent before you get words?

A friend of mine, he lives here in Belfast, he's got a one-and-a-half-year-old boy

who can't talk, but has a full on Belfast accent.

He plays with Thomas the Tank, looks up at you and goes...

MUMBLES WITH A BELFAST INFLECTION

Andrew, who would you like to nominate as Northern Irish?

Er, Hugh Hefner. He could easily be Northern Irish.

He likes getting around in his dressing gown all day long.

What would the Playboy Mansion be like if it was in Northern Ireland?

Er, it would be the exact same. Probably wouldn't be Latin...

You know, he has Latin over the door?

-Some sort of Latin inscription over the Playboy Mansion.

-Yes.

In Latin, it says, "Don't come ringing, if we're swinging."

-Did Romans have doors?

-What?! Of course they had doors!

They had viaducts, they'll have a door, won't they?

They always had those big capes.

There was always somebody, and then, Caesar would...

and then the Roman guy would move... and Caesar would come...

You never see Caesar coming through the door...

At the end of that round, I'm going to give the points to Andrew's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This round is called Town Challenge, where we go off the beaten track

to discover Northern Ireland's hidden gems, places that don't

always make it into the tourist guides, but have plenty to offer. Jimeoin's team, you're first.

I'll give you some lesser-known facts

about a Northern Irish town and all you need to do is name it.

Here's your first fact.

World War II anti-aircraft gunners trained in a custom-built dome

in this town - they would sit inside and "fire" at film of aircraft

projected onto the ceiling.

Crossmaglen.

Here is your second fact.

After making the world's first non-stop balloon flight

across the Atlantic, Richard Branson made his first stop here.

Oh!

He obviously got to Donegal after an eight-hour transatlantic

journey, no food, rain, wind, looked at Donegal and said,

"I think I could go a bit further."

Here is your final fact.

The tune to Londonderry/Derry Air was first transcribed in this town

by a local woman - legend has it

she heard it being played by a blind fiddler.

-I think it was Limavady.

-Was he trying to land in Britain?

If he had to land in Donegal, he wouldn't have got it, because it's not part of Britain.

-The tune? We're talking about Londonderry!

-I'm actually...

I'm actually thinking of the second clue,

I didn't even hear the third clue. Could we have that again?

There was a woman and she was stealing music

from disabled fiddle players.

Right. That helped. It's got to be Limavady, then, hasn't it?

-Limavady.

-Limavady, well played.

Andrew, here are the clues for your town. Clue number one.

Visitors will find a prominent art instillation in this town

of a Battered Old Sofa, created to represent the town as a cosy,

comfortable place - they built it out of limestone.

-We have to think about where limestone is.

-Limestone couch.

-Whiterocks?

-That's good.

Sorry, what am I helping you for?

Or maybe not Whiterocks.

-Maybe not, who knows? Could we have another clue?

-You can, here's your next clue.

This is the most westerly village in the entire United Kingdom -

so when the Euro crashed, the residents living near the border

narrowly avoided an economic collapse by about 100 yards.

The most westerly. Is it Muff?

No, I think Muff is just over the border.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

-So, it's somewhere in Derry, right?

-OK, here's your final clue.

Though this town is in Northern Ireland, most people

who hear its name might also think of china.

We have the answer. It is Beijing, Fermanagh.

If it's true, I've got some of it in the house. Lovely little ornaments.

-What's the name you're thinking of?

-Is it Belleek?

-It is indeed Belleek!

The highest temperature in Northern Ireland ever recorded

by the Met Office occurred near Belleek in County Fermanagh,

on June 30th, 1976. 30.8 degrees.

Whoa! God, that's hot.

I tell you what,

any Australians in town on that day almost removed their jumpers.

At the end of that round, the points go to Jimeoin's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our next round is called Monumentally Missed

and features our panelists getting all nostalgic, as they tell us

what they'd like to bring back from Northern Ireland's past.

Jimeoin, you can go first, what would you like to bring back?

Cars that didn't start.

Everyone just expects a car to start first time.

That wasn't a given, growing up. You'd be praying to God...

My father once got into the car to start it

and it wouldn't start, it was on a flat bit of ground.

He opened the door - it was blowing a gale in Portstewart -

and he realised that the wind was actually pulling the car along.

So he opened both doors...

And the car moved up the road, then when he jumpstarted it,

the two doors just shot...

It was like a James Bond movie.

Flooding the engine, that was one, as well, in the old days.

My dad would get out of the car and open up the bonnet, then something would happen,

it was like a magical thing he did, he tried it and it would go.

I was never able to do that, as an adult myself,

when I got a car. So what I do now is, I call other people's dads to come round.

There were little tricks,

-like a pair of stockings for a fan belt.

-Yeah!

That worked, apparently.

My dad never wore stockings, though.

Really, Michael? Really? Not even on his head?

Him and his twin brother used tights.

-Did you ever burn your legs off the back seat of a car?

-Yes, yes.

-On the leather?

-The leather interiors.

And if the car was out in the sun, if it was June 30th, 1976,

for example. I had to take a week of school once,

I had third-degree burns from sitting on a hot seat.

Sometimes, with the metal seat belts,

you would actually get the insignia of the car branded on your arse.

I liked that switch - you know when you get a car and there wouldn't actually be a switch,

there would just be a plastic cover where there should be a switch,

to let you know that you didn't have the best model?

Have you got one?

I want to bring back when we didn't know when celebrities were gay.

Anyone under 30 in this room for watching this will not be

able to comprehend it, but back in the day, we had no idea!

I remember when nobody knew that Freddie Mercury was gay.

And I distinctly, to this day, remember going, "No, he's not!

"He's got a moustache!"

Nobody knew.

My dad had a moustache in the '80s and it didn't mean he was gay,

it just meant that he got stopped more often by the Guards,

when there was a kidnapping on, or something.

My mother still doesn't know when people are gay. They could be clad in leather, with the arse

cut out of their trousers, I'll be like, "He's gay." "No!"

Dennis, what would you like to bring back?

I thought the dances in Northern Ireland were the greatest.

Probably the same all over Ireland, really.

But you had three slow dances, then you had three quick dances.

And then a fight!

But when I used to go to dances, I'd take my glasses off, you know,

thinking I was a bit cool.

So you'd pick a girl you wanted to dance with on the other side

of the hall. So you'd head across and when you got there,

she'd look totally different to what she did...

Was there any rule with three dances in a row,

if you got three dances in a row then you were in?

Was it like the fair, you could have anything from the top row?

My favourite dance, it was called the Pony Trot.

That was famous, that.

It was twice round the floor and then outside for your oats.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Michael, what would you like to bring back?

-House parties.

When I was a child, your mum and dad would go out drinking and dancing,

they always said they were going out dancing, drink was never mentioned.

So they'd come back at about 11, have fish and chips,

a few drinks, then it's time to get the kids out of bed to do the entertaining.

That's what you were there for, to entertain drunk parents and their friends.

Kids were dragged out of their beds, stuck in front of the fire...

Don't know why you were stuck in front of the fire, probably because it was the focal part of the room,

but it used to freak me out, cos I used to wear nylon pyjamas.

I never realised what drink was when I was younger,

I just thought my dad was on good form at night time.

I used to have an Uncle Jimmy who used to tease you

and threaten you at the same time.

One of those wee Belfast men, only about that size,

that spoke out the side of their mouths. "There's 50p.

"Do you want 50p?" "Thanks, Uncle Jimmy."

"Come on, let's do this!"

I never learn my lesson.

By the end of the night I've had £2.50 and a ringing in my ears.

Eleanor, what would you like to bring back?

Dynasty, because I was a huge fan of Alexis Carrington

when she was in Dynasty.

-Do people remember Alexis?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.

She was played by Joan Collins

and she was fantastically sexually successful

and, as a nine-year-old in Roscommon in Ireland,

I thought she'd be a good person for me to base myself upon.

She would go into the office of the guy she was after

and it was this guy Blake always,

and she would go in and she'd be like, "Well, well, well.

"If it isn't the handsomest man in all of Denver."

This guy Blake anyway,

he'd be behind his desk, he'd be like, "Get out of here, Alexis!

"I don't have time for a cold-hearted bitch like you."

Aye, because he'd been hurt by her in the previous episode.

And she would open the top button of her blouse

and reveal her cleavage underneath.

I suspect Alexis was from a tough background,

because she used to have these clip-on earrings on

and she could rip them off without registering any pain in her face

whatsoever. And then she would grab his tie, grab him by the tie.

-Me?

-Yeah, you!

-Am I Blake?

-You're Blake.

So she would grab him by the tie and that would get him

to rise to his feet.

Right?

Perfect. And then he would lay her down on the desk...

LAUGHTER

And... Exact... This is it. Exact. Perfect, right?

Now, outside for your oats.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, right.

When I was nine, I started to fancy this young fella in my class.

I waited till until got him on his own in the classroom one day,

went in, I said...

.."Well, well, well."

LAUGHTER

"The fittest and handsomest boy in all of...third class."

Then I opened the top button of my school shirt to reveal

my cleavage...my vest.

My vest underneath.

I didn't have any earrings on, but I had a lazy eye at the time.

So I just tore off the plaster,

in what I thought was a suggestive, kind of, way.

And I did the thing, then,

and I really think he would have gone for it,

because I grabbed him by the tie and I did the lean-back

and he definitely was about to submit,

if he had have been wearing a proper tie.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-But he wasn't!

He was wearing the front of a tie!

And the rest of it was elastic. So I leaned back, I fell down.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Jimeoin's team.

APPLAUSE

Mystery Monumental is the next round.

It's all about celebrating the incredible achievements of a Northern Irish person

who is so modest you may not be aware what it is they've done.

So please welcome tonight's Mystery Monumental guest, Annalisa.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive

Now, Annalisa has held a world record for almost 20 years.

But what is that world record? Let's find out, here's your first clue.

Clue number one is a headline:

-DENNIS:

-The world's best legs.

Oh, bless you.

-So you are a teacher?

-I am a teacher, yes.

OK, would you please give us your clue?

Sure. If you stand too close to me when I'm in full flow,

you may lose one of your senses.

I'm just going to double-check that.

No, that's all right. That's all right.

Can you still speak, Micky?

-Sorry?

-I can't.

He doesn't get to be around women much.

I will give you your final clue. This may give it away now.

Annalisa's talent has something in common with jet engines

and rock concerts.

-Are you like an opera singer?

-No.

-Are you like... Are you a singer?

-No.

Yodelling. What about yodelling?

You've got a high vocal range or something...

You can hit the highest frequency when you're screaming?

You're getting very close.

Has she got the record for the loudest scream?

Annalisa Flanagan, from Finaghy, holds the world record

for the loudest shout.

-Correct, Jimeoin.

-Yes!

Have you got kids, Annalisa?

-Yes.

-So when you shout out the back door for them

to come in for their dinner, they can't say.

I get the whole street in!

So you have to make sandwiches for everybody, don't you?

And what word did you yell?

It's quite ironic, because it's the loudest shout,

but I actually shout the word "quiet".

-And reached 121 decibels, and no-one's ever topped it.

-No.

We should have a demonstration.

And we should have a bit of a competition.

Andrew's team, because you lost, the three of you have to see

-if you can shout louder than Annalisa.

-Together?

-Yes.

-On one microphone, like The Three Tops?

-Yep.

Annalisa, take it away.

-EAR-PIERCING SCREAM:

-QUIET!

Wow.

101.2 decibels.

Very impressive. If the three lads make their way up to the same spot

and have a crack, please. Do you have a word you'd like to use?

-We'll stick with "quiet", I think.

-You'll go with "quiet"?

-JIMEOIN:

-You look like you're being thrown out, Maxwell.

Ho, ho, ho, you're edging closer than Annalisa was.

Edge back, edge back. All right, there it is, OK.

You count us in, count us in.

-JIMEOIN:

-One, two, three.

ALL: QUIET!

-Oh, not quite! Annalisa wins the day.

-Woo!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, round of applause for Annalisa.

APPLAUSE

In this round, I'm going to show the teams a series of headlines.

They have to buzz in and tell me what monumental moment they think generated that headline.

Up first, it's this little gem:

BUZZER

"But later, showers will return."

"Derry wins the 2013 City of Culture bid."

Headline number two:

BUZZER

-Eleanor?

-People don't realise how stressful it is to be a sheep.

It was Fermanagh Council issuing a warning to dog owners

about worrying sheep.

BUZZER

-Andrew?

-No.

-OK.

The answer was, it was a trail bike event near Omagh.

Your next headline:

BUZZER

To swing or not to swing - Shakespeare in the Park.

BUZZER

Michael?

Was it trying to ban the rock and roll vicar, who was known

as Elvis Paisley?

The correct answer is,

should children's play parks be open on a Sunday?

Absolutely not!

It's an abomination! There was no day off in the Old Testament.

You're running from the Philistines, 24/7!

It's all well and good, but I can see Dennis has got another one.

-Come on, Dennis!

-Well, talking about swinging, the two wee...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's like the two wee fellas from Dungannon lying in bed together

and one said to the other, "I don't think much of this wife swapping."

Paddy and Mary on their wedding night.

Mary jumps into bed, takes all her clothes off,

lies across the bed and says, "You know what I want, Paddy."

He says, "The whole of the bed, by the look of it."

I'm going to give that round to Jimeoin's team.

APPLAUSE

Shortly we'll be finding out which team has won tonight's

Monumental battle, but not before we pay tribute to our special guest.

He's a former world champion snooker player, a national treasure

and the king of Coalisland. Anyone for Dennis?

It's Dennis Taylor.

APPLAUSE

Dennis, come on down and have a seat.

Dennis Taylor is one of Northern Ireland's most loved sons,

he's a household name in these parts

and one of the most popular players in world snooker.

If you were anywhere near a TV at 22 minutes past midnight

on the 28th of April 1985,

there's a pretty good chance you were watching this,

along with 18 million others.

COMMENTATOR: 'He's done it! CROWD CHEER

'Dennis Taylor, for the first time...'

APPLAUSE

What a moment.

I'm no expert in body language,

but that looked like you were happy.

Well, that was more or less then it took me 13 years to reach the top,

but to beat someone like Steve Davis

after being eight frames to nothing behind,

it was just a dream come true, really. And it was great.

There was a lot of candles and a lot of prayers said that night for me,

a lot of candles lit, yeah.

And then, of course, a few weeks after that, they brought me back

to Coalisland, and all denominations descended on Coalisland,

it's the biggest crowd that Coalisland have ever seen

and I picked a good one to win.

We've actually got footage of your return to Coalisland

and the reception you received and the speech that you made.

APPLAUSE

It's a little bit difficult to find words to describe.

I mean, I was brought up here and was here until I was 17

and spent many happy hours round the town here.

In fact, I think I might even have pinched a packet of sweets

out of McGlinchey's there.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Are you all applauding him for nicking a packet of sweets?

I would have loved if that had been like The Simpsons.

Moe at the front of the mob, "You heard him! Let's rob McGlinchey's!

"If it's all right for Dennis, it's all right for us!"

Irish people are known for their musical ability,

it just seems to be something you're born with.

And Dennis is no different. Here he is with Chas & Dave and the Matchroom Mob,

singing Snooker Loopy.

# But our friend Den hours he spent down the snooker hall

# On the old green baize

# His mates seem amazed with his skills with the snooker ball

# But them long shots he never, ever got

# Why, the old mind boggles

# But nowadays he pots the lot

# Cos I wear these goggles

# Snooker loopy nuts are we We're all snooker loopy. #

APPLAUSE

Dennis, we also know you enjoy dancing.

When Strictly asked you to appear,

that must have been an easy decision.

And your paso doble was regarded as one of the TV entertainment moments

of the year in 2005.

Let's remind ourselves why.

# It's the eye of the tiger It's the thrill of the fight

# Rising up to the challenge of our rival

# And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night

# And he's watching us all

# With the eye of the tiger... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was one of the greatest star jumps ever seen on television.

I must have got at least two inches off the ground.

Listen, we didn't do paso dobles up in Coalisland.

I like the way you finished it, kicking her up the floor. That was a nice touch.

I was kind of hoping you'd pick her up at the end and just go, "Yeah!"

Now, Dennis, we know you're monumental,

but one very special person wanted to give you a very special message.

Dennis Taylor!

Congratulations, monumental status, and I'll tell you what -

it couldn't happen to a nicer bloke. Now, Strictly Comes Dancing.

Your paso doble was anything but monumental.

Dennis, it's not a seven.

It's a ten, from Len!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the man, the legend.

Dennis Taylor, you are Monumental.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

-Absolute pleasure.

Look at that.

And listen, the scores are in at the end of the show.

Dennis, you took it over the line,

scores to Andrew's team for the night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think this is the appropriate way to wrap up the show.

LAUGHTER

Everybody, glasses out.

APPLAUSE

And give it up for Jimeoin, Michael Smiley and Eleanor Tiernan,

Andrew Maxwell and Micky Bartlett.

-And the monumental Dennis Taylor!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I've been Adam Hills and you lovely people of Northern Ireland

have been truly monumental. Goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd