Episode 4 Monumental

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

G'day. I'm Adam Hills. Welcome to Monumental,

the panel show about Northern Ireland hosted by an Australian.

Tonight, two teams will celebrate the North in all its glorious glory

and wonderful weirdness, and as always, the team on my right

is led by a man who's so famous, he's known by only one name.

No, it's not like Pele, or Madonna,

or Sooty - it's Jimeoin.

APPLAUSE

Joining him is a comedian and actor

who once played a crackhead, alcoholic pimp -

that was one hell of a production of Hamlet.

Please welcome Michael Smiley.

APPLAUSE

Alongside Michael and Jimeoin this week, from BBC3's sitcom Dead Boss

and the 2012 So You Think You're Funny winner,

the dead funny Aisling Bea!

APPLAUSE

Taking on the Jimeoin trio is a Dublin-born comedian

who recently presented a documentary about conspiracy theories,

though it's rumoured he used a stunt double

and was down the pub with Elvis and Princess Diana.

Please welcome Andrew Maxwell.

APPLAUSE

With him is a comedian who's been on Sketchy and Dave's One Night Stand,

who can do this with his boob!

It's Micky Bartlett!

APPLAUSE

Joining Andrew and Micky tonight is tonight's Monumental guest,

to whom who we'll pay a very special tribute later.

It's a radio and TV legend from a place he christened "Stroke City",

the man, the legend, that is Gerry Anderson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My role in all this is to be the independent Aussie judge,

but I have spent enough time here

to know that my favourite saying in the world

is something you only ever hear here, which is, "Your man".

No-one else in the world says, "Your man".

First time I heard that, I thought I owned a person.

"Where were you last night?" "We were having pints."

"Who was there?" "Oh, your man came in." "I have a man?!"

It's that, and "You know yourself."

Brilliant. Cos that can go at the end of any sentence.

"Excuse me, how do I get to the cinema?" "You go left, you go right,

"you go left again. Sure, you know yourself."

You know when someone mentions directions, and they go,

"There's a turn-off to Strabane. Don't take that."

You go, "Well, why did you mention it?"

It's ruined it now. The satnav.

All the great misdirection stories of comedy lore - ruined.

I think Irish satnav should just go,

"At the next intersection, turn left. Sure, you know yourself."

There's always that legacy from the Troubles.

People say, "Go down to the left, where the factory used to be..."

APPLAUSE

Time now for the first round, which is Wish They Were One Of Us,

in which honorary Northern Irish status is conferred upon

those our panel deem worthy enough.

I'm going to start with Jimeoin.

Who do you think should be Northern Irish?

William Shakespeare,

just because he would have to rewrite all the scripts.

It would be, "To be not to be,

"that is the question, so it is."

-(BROAD BELFAST ACCENT)

-Twelfth Night!

I'd love to see The Merchant Of Venice

standing in the middle of Belfast with a Telegraph,

going, "Swelly Tele!" Remember them?

"Tele up! Tele up!" I remember now.

"Sixth Tele", wasn't it? It was the sixth edition of the Tele,

so it was, "Sixth Tele-o!"

That's all stopped now. It's a thing of the past. People would go... INCOMPREHENSIBLE VENDOR CALL

That was a guy who used to be in the Cornmarket.

There was another guy in Victoria Street, he used to go...

DIFFERENT VENDOR CALL

A blind man could tell where he was by the call of the Telegraph guy.

"Oh, I'm in Castle Street. Yeah." VENDOR CALL

Then you'd see them in the Crown having a pint, going...

-WELL-SPOKEN VOICE:

-..I thought today was very slow, did you?

Andrew, who would you like to nominate to be Northern Irish?

Vladimir Putin.

Just, Vladimir Putin looks like a very scary Belfast dad!

You know I mean? He's always topless, killing bears.

"Ding-dong!"

"Hello, is Catherine there?"

"Aye. C'mon through. I'm just skinning a bear.

"Right there, how long you been hanging around here?

"You been sniffing around my daughter, you dirty wee bastard?

"Eh? You want to join the Putin family, do you?

"You wee skinny dickback! Hey?"

Michael Smiley, who would you nominate?

-Janet Street Porter.

-Really?

Yeah, because she would fit perfectly in here

because she's a very opinionated woman who never shuts up.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I remember Brian Keenan said

the Northern Irish people were wired for transmission, not reception.

I have yet to meet a woman of Northern Ireland who goes,

"Ach, do you know, I don't really know."

I've a Northern Irish friend and she puts her finger in front of me

as if, "I'll tell you when you can speak now," going,

"Hi, how have you been? Have you been all right?

"Cos I was looking at your Facebook, know what I mean. It's fine. Yeah."

"OK, so Brian, you know..." She'll kind of silence me with her finger.

-You get your window. That's your window, it's gone.

-Yeah. It's gone.

All right, Gerry,

who would you like to nominate for Northern Irish status?

I thought Rob Brydon,

because he's got that kind of puzzled air about him,

you know, he doesn't really know if he's been accepted or not,

cos a lot of us have that from Northern Ireland,

and also, he's from Wales, which of course is a strange place

as far as Northern Irish people are concerned.

Nobody from Northern Ireland has ever gone to Wales.

You know the way, in times gone by,

"I went to Scotland to pick potatoes."

"I went to England to work in a car factory."

Nobody ever said, "I went to Wales to go down a mine."

Nobody goes to Wales, they go to England.

Some people, when they say, "I'm going to go to Australia",

nobody ever says, "I'm going to go to New Zealand." They don't say that.

-Not even Australians.

-They don't?

So Wales is kind of like New Zealand,

in the way that nobody wants to go there.

I just like the idea of one Welshman living here in Belfast.

He's enjoying the show. "Ha-ha, this is half tidy!

"That's some quite funny stuff...

"What? What did we do?"

"I've never known such a diatribe against my people!"

That's what I love about the Welsh. When something's good, it's tidy.

When something's very good, it's half tidy.

And nobody's interested in what they do. Nobody's interested...

LAUGHTER

It's a weird thing.

I just, I really hope that the Welsh tourism board hire you

after tonight and it's just an ad of you going,

"Wales - no-one cares what they do."

Aisling, who would you like to nominate to be Northern Irish?

I would like to nominate myself.

I just think I'd get taken more seriously

if I had a Northern Irish accent

because I, um, I live in England, and if I go into somewhere

and I'm like, "Hello, I'd like to make a reservation, please,"

what they hear in their head is...

-BROAD IRISH ACCENT:

-.."You know when you've a wart on your hand,

"if when you rub a potato on it and you put that in the garden

"and you say a prayer to Jesus

"and in the morning, if there's a full moon, the wart will be gone!"

Micky, I do need a nomination from you.

I would actually love to have Madonna, cos I would love to hear

what Madonna songs sounded like if she was from here.

If she was from one of the areas in Belfast,

it would be, "Papa don't exist!"

And then you could see her on her balcony, just going,

"Don't cry for me, wee Katrina!"

I think it would be brilliant.

We did a thing on the radio one time

about Irish girls' names in popular song titles,

to which the winner was Briege Over Troubled Waters.

All right, at the end of the first round,

I am giving the points to Andrew's team!

We come now to Town Challenge.

In this round, we showcase Northern Ireland's smaller places

in the hope of turning them from tourist lukewarm spots

into tourist piping-hotspots. Jimeoin's team, you're first.

I'll give you some lesser-known facts about a Northern Irish town.

You need to name the town. Fact number one.

Visitors to this town can enjoy

Northern Ireland's only outdoor pole dancing event.

It's just actually a Polish person dancing.

Oh, so it's nothing crude.

You know the way Polish people look like us, but at the same time...

-You know the way you can't...

-They do.

-But they don't have

those facial expressions people from Northern Ireland have.

You don't see Polish people doing that...

They just don't do that, do they?

All right, your second fact.

Lord Sugar's former sidekick on The Apprentice, Margaret Mountford,

was born in this town.

Oh, that clears it up.

Here's your third fact.

In 2003, this town won "Best Kept Large Town In Ireland".

In 2004, it won "Best Kept Medium Town".

What are we talking about here? Lack of litter? That sort of thing?

Yes, it's more than half tidy.

-WELSH ACCENT:

-More than half tidy, it'll be an absolutely barry spot.

I'm still thinking of the outdoor pole dancing...

Would pole-dancing be a reference to a place like Scarva,

Drumcree or places like that?

Would it be something to do with that sort of thing?

-Do they get about in a G string?

-No, these flags up poles.

-It could be a maypole. Maybe it's...

-Oh!

AUDIENCE MURMURS

Ooh, look at that. Wow.

Sorry, did everybody just win a toaster?

What's happening here?

-MICHAEL:

-A lovely wee town. My hometown, Holywood, lovely wee town.

Michael Smiley, it is indeed Holywood!

APPLAUSE

High-five, Michael!

Here's Andrew's team's challenging town challenge.

-Here's your first fact.

-Here we go.

Local myth and legend has it that a resident of this town in the 1700s

lived once, but was buried twice.

I'll give you a clue with that.

She was buried whilst semi-conscious.

She was brought back to life

when grave robbers tried to cut her wedding ring off.

Where has someone been buried semiconscious in Northern Ireland?

LAUGHTER

Here's your second fact.

The boxer known as The Belfast Spider was born in this town.

In 1889, he fought an 80-round match to a draw.

It was the longest match ever fought under Queensbury Rules.

AISLING: What's the Queensbury Rules?

Queensbury Rules are, you know, gloves and all the basic rules.

I thought it was no gloves. Isn't that Queensbury Rules?

-No, it's with gloves.

-No gloves.

-With gloves.

-No gloves!

-Yes, gloves!

This swimsuit that they used to wear, and a moustache.

Gloves, though! Gloves!

Oh, there was gloves? Oh, fair enough.

You give up an argument easily, don't you?

Here is your final fact.

A gardening implement associated with this town

is often used as local slang to describe a person's unhappy face.

It's my home town of Lurgan.

-It is indeed Lurgan!

-Lurgan.

APPLAUSE

-So what's the gardening implement?

-A Lurgan spade.

-If people say you've got a face like a Lurgan spade...

-Well used.

-It means you've got a long face, so it's a long spade.

-Right.

And that thing about what foot you kick with, that we say here,

there's left-footed spades and right-footed spades,

and people of a Catholic persuasion would use one,

and people of a Protestant persuasion would use the other spade

because of an Ulster Scots thing and a native Irish thing.

They preferred this spade, so they'd say, "What foot do you kick with?"

The atheists actually dig with pogo sticks.

I think the clear winner of that round is Andrew's team.

The next round is called Monumentally Missed,

and it delves into Northern Ireland's past to ask

what long-departed custom, dish, expression, dirty magazine

or indeed anything, are you yearning for so much

you'd like to bring it back? Andrew, what would you like to bring back?

Boy racers. Rural young men

getting the smallest car they can get their hands on

and turning it into a spaceship.

The really, really good spacey ones

always have a weird blue light underneath them.

The weird blue light! For a long time, I was like,

"What the hell is that? Why have you got a blue light under it?"

And then I realised it was a community thing

cos they could drive into their estate

and everybody runs out and checks their 20s.

HE MOUTHS

Jimeoin, what would you like to bring back to Northern Ireland?

I'd like to bring back fluorescent light tubes.

You know that one in the kitchen,

you know the big long bulb that, you know, no-one ever changed.

It wouldn't just die,

it would just be sick for a while.

Going into the kitchen was like going into a nightclub with a strobe light.

You know the...

-I can do an impression of a healthy fluorescent light tube coming on.

-Do one. Do one now.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Micky, what would you like to bring back?

I want to bring back Tip Tops.

Tip Tops were a drink made out of paint thinner and diesel.

When we were kids, I had a friend who thought that Tip Tops were

a conspiracy from the government because he was convinced

that Tip Top, whoever made them

had found out exactly how much a thirsty child needs to be refreshed

and then subtracted that by 15%,

because although a Tip Top was a drink, you'd never, you were like...

Your eyeballs used to move trying to drink them,

you'd be all hyper and like...

No-o-o!

And then the best thing about Tip Tops were, when they were empty,

because I found as a child, it was hard to buy a motorbike at six,

so what you could then do was get your Tip Top

and wedge it in the back wheel of your bike

and then you'd go down the street, going, "Zzzzzzz!"

-They were brilliant.

-Smiley, what would you like to bring back?

Old sayings, like, my ma used to say things like,

"Life's like wheelbarrow. It's always in front of you."

You know, stuff that made sense, you know what I mean,

and also, stuff that didn't make any sense,

like, "You're not as green as you're cabbage-looking."

You know? What does that mean? Another one my ma used to say was,

"If you got nothing nice to say about anybody,

"come and sit beside me."

My dad used to go for,

"Ah, you're a fly man but you can't shite on the ceiling."

-That sort of stuff.

-I literally have no idea what you just said then.

Not a word of it!

I never used to understand Cockney rhyming slang,

and I remember Shane Ritchie had an ad for Daz, and he'd go,

"What are you going to use, Daz, or this other one? Use your loaf."

And we'd be sitting there, going, "Use your what? Use your loaf?"

And I went into my mother and my mother was like,

"Oh, Aisling, it's, you know, because they...

"It's Daz, so use...

"Daz has baking soda in it, and so does bread."

What would you bring back, Gerry?

I would bring back the leg tremor.

People used to go to dance halls in the '60s and '70s

and there were two types of people who used to go to those -

the people who stood and watched the band

and the other people who danced. And these people never mixed,

but every once in a while, the people who used to stand and watch the band,

they felt the need to meet women

and the only way you could meet women was to dance with them.

You couldn't go up to somebody and start talking to them.

They'd think you were a weirdo, so you'd have to ask somebody to dance

and there was this particular dance

that was formed and developed for people who didn't dance.

-It's called the leg tremor. Do you want me to show what it is?

-Please.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You stand like this, and you put your hands, and you go like that...

Can I show you the quickest dance in the world, the "let's go" dance?

CHEERING

You know when you're waiting for everyone to get ready,

and they're watching TV, and you have to try and get them out?

You do the "let's go" dance. Two moves, it's like...

"Come on, let's go."

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, I'll award the points to Jimeoin's team.

APPLAUSE

All right, it's Mystery Monumental now. I'm going to introduce

our special overachieving guest from Northern Ireland.

I won't tell you what their monumental achievement was.

That's something our panellists have to work out.

So, let's meet tonight's Mystery Monumental guest, Kate!

MUSIC: "She's A Star" by James

APPLAUSE

All right, we are in the presence of greatness.

Kate here is not only a world record holder in something

but also the first and only Northern Irish woman to do it,

and it's really impressive. Does anyone want to have a guess?

JIMEOIN: Was it breaking men's hearts?

Aw!

GERRY: You look a bit like Katie Taylor,

so it reminds me, maybe it suggests

that you have something to do with martial arts.

-Would it be kickboxing or anything like that?

-I wish. No.

All right, here is your first clue.

-Are you a sailor?

-You are getting very close.

I will give you your next clue. Working in shifts,

Kate and her four female team-mates

were always travelling but couldn't get away from each other.

-AISLING:

-Were they slaves on a ship?

Weirdly, you are getting closer. Here is your final clue.

Kate and her team had terrible trouble with wind.

-ANDREW:

-It's a catamaran.

Or a Protestant.

And you're the first all-female Northern Irish catamaran crew

-to go around the world.

-You are very, very close, Andrew Maxwell.

Halfway around the world!

JIMEOIN: Is the catamaran bit right?

No? On a raft?

-Jimeoin, you are getting closer, yes.

-Really?

-Keep going.

-Close to it.

-Did it have a sale?

-No.

-So like a canoe? No?

-AISLING: Surfboard.

-So close!

-ANDREW:

-Submarine!

You and three other hot chicks submarined around the world!

Because Michael Smiley came the closest,

I will give you the point because

Kate Richardson from Portadown holds the world record with her team

for being the first, fastest and only women ever to row the Atlantic!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that is a big achievement

because that's inland,

so if you start at Portadown, you've got to row across a lot... Right?

You've got to row across three counties,

and Donegal's hilly,

so you've got to row uphill, over the top. Well done.

Kate, how did you get involved in this?

Just by sheer chance, I just happened to meet the girl

who was organising and putting this all together,

and within 20 minutes of talking to her,

without any rowing experience or sea experience, I said, "OK, I'll do it!"

That happened to me organising a hen one time.

-How long did it take you to do it, to row?

-It took us 45 days.

Do you think it would have been quicker

if they'd got someone with rowing experience?

LAUGHTER

Well, to be fair,

we actually smashed the previous record by seven days, so...

-Ah!

-Ooh!

So eat that, you Aussie!

APPLAUSE

-JIMEOIN:

-And were you seasick?

-Oh, yeah.

-Did you chuck up?

-Oh, yeah.

GERRY: What were the biggest waves you encountered?

50 foot, 60 foot waves. Pretty high.

We have footage of you trying to make a Pot Noodle during that trip.

-MICHAEL:

-That's making me sick just looking at it.

-AISLING:

-The Pot Noodle or the...?

That hat.

I've actually been that hammered making a Pot Noodle.

I don't have a question, but please just don't go anywhere.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I tell you what, if you attempt this

with a group of all Northern Irish women,

you're going to have him in a dress turning up on day one.

-Would you like to do it?

-Sorry?

-Would you like to do it?

The...the boat thing?

LAUGHTER

Oh, I love it, man. His voice properly broke like a schoolboy.

"Oh, the boat thing!"

It's an amazing achievement. Congratulations.

A round of applause for Kate!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The next round is all about those monumental and not-so-monumental moments

that have made the headlines here in Northern Ireland,

but can our panellists work out what those moments were

from the headlines alone?

Teams, get ready to buzz in. Here's your first headline.

BUZZER

Jimeoin.

-Reporter keeps finger on M button for too long.

-No!

The spring has a stuttering start.

Oh, yes! The answer was snow, hail and wind in Fermanagh in May.

Next headline.

-BUZZER

-Yes, Andrew.

Never shall mix.

In 1933, there was an attempt to charge farmers £3 per furlong

for telephone wire from pole to farm.

For some of you young people watching,

we need to define the words "furlong",

"telephone wire" and "farm".

Next headline.

BUZZER

That's obviously some kind of voyeurism thing going on!

It wasn't me, honestly! I wasn't there at the time.

-It was a guy who looks like me.

-The answer was,

two Labradors appeared in court accused of worrying some hens.

There's nothing worse than a worried hen.

I do like the idea of a doggy, like, just five dogs lined up

and some hens walking in front of them, trying to pick which one.

ANDREW MAKES CHICKEN NOISES

So the next headline.

BUZZER

-Gerry.

-Possible names for Bob Geldof's children.

That is a Stewartstown man who has strange-shaped hedges.

I bet you the peach is an arse.

"I'm cutting it into the shape of an arse, heh-heh!

"It's a peach! It's a peach, mammy!"

-Tough call. At the end of that round the points go to Andrew's team.

-Yes!

APPLAUSE

OK, it's been great, but as ever, we've saved the best till last.

It's time to pay tribute to tonight's special guest

and when it comes to broadcasting, this guy wrote the book.

And I am about to read from it.

-Ah!

-Oh!

This is Gerry's book, Surviving In Stroke City.

Available at all good bookshops.

Quote - "Sustaining a successful career in show business depends

"on one's ability to master the art of looking surprised and shocked

"at being told something that someone has already known for some time."

It's time to show us your best surprised face

cos the panellist getting Monumental status this week

-is the one, the only Gerry Anderson!

-Oh, thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Gerry, everybody knows you

as an award-winning radio and TV broadcaster

but Gerry first popped his performing cherry

playing in showbands. Have a look at this.

Oh, my God.

-Where are you?

-Extreme right.

JIMEOIN: How did you make money in that band? There are way too many!

So what was it like being in a showband at the time?

It was terrible. Everybody who was in a showband didn't want to be in one

because anyone who was interested in music,

the last thing they should have done was join a showband.

I started to play guitar in my room, someone said, "He's good, why doesn't he play in a band?"

I said, "A band?" And I found myself on the stage.

It was the worst thing I ever did. I hated it,

and then everything I've ever done,

I've always ended up being in show business and I've never liked it.

Saying the words, "I never wanted to be in show business"

sitting on a giant yellow brick

has to be the best thing I've seen in my life!

So the next obvious place for a man who's used to this kind of lifestyle

-is of course BBC Radio Foyle.

-Yes.

Good morning, housewives. And ladies.

ROOSTER SOUND EFFECT

And good morning, everyone else. What a wonderful day.

God's in his heaven, Elizabeth's on the throne

and the dole will open in two hours, so get up, get out...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So what were your early days of radio like?

Oh, great, because I never wanted to be on the radio.

LAUGHTER

-This is a quote from your book.

-Yes!

-"I had what it took to be on radio.

"I could lie convincingly without apparent effort, fluently and live."

Not everybody can do that. It's a talent.

Now, your talent on the radio

won you a Gold Sony Award for Best Regional Broadcaster.

You're in the prestigious Radio Academy Hall Of Fame,

alongside greats like Sir Terry Wogan.

Uniquely, you're also proud to have topped a local poll in two categories,

-one - Northern Ireland's favourite radio personality.

-Yes.

And the radio personality

people would most like to see removed from the airwaves.

LAUGHTER

I'm particularly proud of that one.

It wouldn't be long before you were called up to the big leagues.

-Radio 4 came calling.

-Oh, yes!

Here's how some members of the Northern Irish public reacted

to the news that Gerry was leaving for London.

That's very sad to see him go, and he'll be missed.

My auntie likes him. She's mad about him,

but I'm not too keen on him, like.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But you know, the fact that I was thoroughly despised

by a large proportion of the Radio 4 audience, I'm proud of it.

LAUGHTER

Then you moved onto TV.

-Now, I've seen a few clips of your many local TV shows.

-Yeah.

-And your studio chat show Anderson On The Box.

-Done here, yeah.

One of my favourites, especially how you interacted

with the audience and guests that you're interviewing.

For instance, what caught your eye the most about Catherine Zeta Jones?

She had the hairiest arms I've ever seen on a woman.

Now, I like that.

-You can't tell.

-No, you can't tell.

No, TV's a wonderful thing.

It puts on ten pounds and removes all hair on your arms.

-You didn't want to play in a band.

-No.

-You didn't want to be on radio.

-No.

-Did you want to be on TV?

-No. I didn't want to do any of that.

I just wanted to sit at home and look at the window.

Do you think maybe that's the secret of your success?

I don't have any success.

I have no idea. What I do is, I just try and...

Be yourself, you can't really be yourself,

because if you were yourself, you'd be sacked immediately.

It's the same thing I say to people if they ever ask me about radio,

"What's the secret of radio?" There is no secret.

What you do is, you be yourself.

If they don't like you, do something else,

but don't pretend to be something else.

-That's what I think.

-Take that home, kids.

-APPLAUSE

-Gerry, you're a national treasure, whether you like it not.

You have a career that 100 people would be proud of

and all that's left to hear

is a special tribute from a fellow North Coast hard rocking legend

who was very difficult to book,

but he has taken some time out from his busy touring schedule

to record this special message just for you.

Hello, Gerry.

LAUGHTER

Great news, I hear. They're giving you monumental status.

I just wanted to congratulate you on this great occasion.

Now, you were always there for me and I'll never forget it.

Yes, you were right there

in the front row of every concert that I did,

singing along with every song, and you knew all the words.

If I ever need a bass player, by the way, you'll be...

..the 11th person I'll call. Have a monumental night, Gerry. Cheers.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the man, the legend, Gerry Anderson,

-you are monumental.

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That brings us to the end of the show.

The scores were dead set even before that final round

but because you're monumental, you've tipped it over the edge.

Andrew's team have won the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a big thanks to Jimeoin, Michael Smiley, and Aisling Bea!

APPLAUSE

Andrew Maxwell and Micky Bartlett!

APPLAUSE

-And the monumental Gerry Anderson!

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've been Adam Hills, and you lovely people of Northern Ireland

have been truly monumental. Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd