Episode 5 Monumental

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

G'day, I'm Adam Hills, welcome to Monumental.

The show about Northern Ireland, hosted by an Australian.

Tonight, two teams will celebrate the great, the good, the weird and wonderful of Northern Ireland.

As always, the captain of the team on my right is a comedian

who is known all over the world by a single name.

Give it up for Jimeoin.

APPLAUSE

With Jimeoin is an award-winning movie star and comedian

who used to work as a bicycle courier.

You will always get a smooth and efficient delivery.

It's Michael Smiley.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Joining them this week

is a fantastically talented actress and comedian

who you will have seen in Channel 4's award-winning sitcom Peep Show,

it's Yasmine Akram.

Taking on Jimeoin's team is a man who, according to Wikipedia,

supports Scottish football team Hibernian.

It also says he is a limbo dancing champion

and Jennifer Aniston's body double.

Please welcome Andrew Maxwell.

APPLAUSE

With him is the best thing to come out of Lurgan since...

He's the best thing to come out of Lurgan. It's Mickey Bartlett.

APPLAUSE

And tonight's Monumental guest

to whom we will be paying a very special tribute,

he's a national treasure, he's good and he's very right.

It's Roy Walker.

I've been coming here for a while,

and I've noticed a few changes over the years when it comes to tourists.

Mainly, you have some now.

The Lonely Planet names Belfast as, I quote, "a must-see place."

When I first came here, a mate of mine from Scotland said,

"Belfast is a hole."

Now, I can prove to you people that this place is not a hole.

You have the Titanic Quarter, the Cathedral Quarter,

the Queen's Quarter, the Market Quarter, the Linen Quarter,

the Library Quarter, and the Gaeltacht Quarter.

That is seven quarters, people.

And we all know seven quarters is more than a whole.

Records also show there is more tourist activity in Belfast

than ever before.

I'm pretty sure that has as much to do with attracting them

as it does with keeping them in.

Belfast International Airport is 25 miles outside of the city,

Belfast Central train station is on the outskirts of Belfast,

and the central one is actually called Victoria Station.

Add to that, the M1 runs to Dungannon,

the M2 changes to the M22 in a place called Dunsilly.

There's another M2 near Ballymena

and as you drive into Belfast on the M2,

you might end up on the M5 or a bridge called the M3

that takes you to a set of road works.

The road that joins the M1 and the M2 is called the West Link.

If you want to turn off to get to Belfast,

it's best to follow the signs to Newcastle.

LAUGHTER

How about we kick on with the show?

The first round is called Wish They Were One Of Us.

Our panel will decide who deserves an honorary Northern Irish status.

Roy, you can kick us all off?

Who, from the entire world, do you think should be Northern Irish?

-Barack Obama.

-Should be Northern Irish?

-Yes, he's one of the Obamas.

You have the O'Grady's, and the O'Dowd's.

He's a...

And when he was at school, his name wasn't Barack.

It was Barnbrack.

The teacher always said he used his loaf.

-Isn't he of Irish descent?

-He is one 32nd Irish.

If he was properly Northern Irish,

and he was addressing the United States,

it wouldn't be, "My fellow Americans..."

He would be on a camera going...

-STRONG REGIONAL ACCENT:

-"Well, there's no petrol,

"there's no diesel, I'm turning everything off."

Michael, who do you think should be Northern Irish?

I'd like Frank Sinatra to be Northern Irish.

Northern Irish people love to sing,

but we can't do it in our own accents.

You never hear Northern Irish people or Belfast people

singing proper songs, do you?

Like... STRONG BELFAST ACCENT: # Fly me to the moon

# In other words hold my ha-a-a-aand. #

I would like to hear Strangers In The Night in the Northern Irish accent.

# Strangers in the night

# Exchanging glances

# Feeling slightly threatened

# Looking out my window

# Do you recognise me now?

# We're strangers in the night. #

APPLAUSE

The only music that you can really properly sing in a Belfast accent

is paramilitary folk music.

Have you ever experienced it?

-I've not come across this genre at all.

-You can get into it.

You can sing it too, Adam. It's pretty straightforward.

All paramilitary folk music involves is a lot of numbers.

Just throw out as many numbers as you can.

# In the year 1814, 1613, 1940

# 1408, 1812, 1306!

# 1614, 1802, 1813, 1904, 1418, 1913, '22! #

APPLAUSE

It doesn't half get your blood going, that! That was great, that.

-My heart's pumping here.

-1416, 1813, 1419, '92...

That's the problem being Northern Irish of a certain age,

all you hear is someone going...

It doesn't matter which bar you go into, they all love it.

They have to slowly unpick the numbers.

1719...that's us.

1640, that's them. 1940, that's us.

1066, that was the Battle Of Hastings.

Which side were we in the Battle Of Hastings?

-Jimeoin, who do you think should be Northern Ireland?

-Ronaldo.

It would be great if he was playing for Northern Ireland.

Every time he takes that free kick,

-and he stands up and just before he does it, he does that...

-HE SIGHS

It would be great to hear the whole audience just go, "You knob."

In Ireland, everybody's a knob.

It's just a... You start off, everyone's a knob.

I was walking down the street,

there was a mannequin in a shop window, it was blue,

had a coat on, a hat tipped forward,

I'm looking at the mannequin thinking, "You knob."

It just got me at the wrong time of day.

I met him later and he was fine.

Andrew, who would you like to offer up?

I think Simon Cowell could easily be from here.

Because he's got a weird haircut, he's got bad jeans

and he's always judging people.

You could have a show called...

-STRONG REGIONAL ACCENT:

-..the X Factor.

The Tractor Factor!

Bone Idle.

Yasmine, who would you like to nominate as being Northern Irish?

Robert Pattinson. Twilight actor, young guy, yeah.

Celebrity vampire.

Yes, celebrity vampire.

Because I think he's quite like Northern Irish boys.

He's sweet, he's got a good job, he's good-looking,

he loves his mammy, I presume.

Nobody would question why he's so pasty.

And a vampire can live off black pudding. Right?

He would be under the radar, you wouldn't even notice him.

-He would fit in perfectly.

-Exactly.

Mickey, who do you think should be Northern Irish?

-I would like to have Justin Bieber.

-Wouldn't we all?

Just purely because recently someone asked me

if I could go to a desert island and I had to bring three things,

one of them was Justin Bieber.

-What were the other two things?

-A shovel and a gun.

I'm going to give the points to Jimeoin's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The next round is about getting smaller Northern Irish towns on the tourist map.

Let's get more rich Americans in places they can't pronounce, people.

Jimeoin's team, you're first. I'm going to tell you about

a local town that you may or may not know,

but which town am I talking about?

Your first fact.

A native daughter of this town has a crater on the moon named after her.

Did she give birth or something on the moon?

-Don't help him, Roy, this is their one.

-Oh, yeah.

-Did she give birth to someone on the moon?!

-A creatur.

APPLAUSE

-Can we have another fact?

-You can have another fact.

This town is home to a collection of statues

known locally as "the Tinnies".

Just like big stacks of beer?

Loads of people have made a student...

-Did they?

-No, that's not it.

It actually has some official artistic name,

but the locals went, "No, it's the Tinnies."

There's all that in Dublin.

There's the Anna Livia fountain,

which is this female goddess lying in a river.

But everybody calls it "The Floozy In The Jacuzzi".

There's Molly Malone, and everybody calls that "The Tart With The Cart".

And there's the statue of Joyce,

and he's leaning on his cane with his glasses

and everybody calls that "The Prick With The Stick".

We have a statue of a guy holding a gun in Portstewart

and we used to phone up the police and say,

"There's a man outside the Spar with a gun,"

and they came down and there was the statue.

We didn't have a lot to do in Portstewart.

Here's your final fact.

This town is synonymous with a wee man

who also claims to be everybody's uncle.

No idea, I'm just hoping if I stay quiet long enough

one of you will answer.

Newry?

Cullybackey? Aghadowey?

We've got great names up here for towns. Gilnahirk.

You made that one up.

The towns up here sound like they've even given up on themselves.

Auch! Aughnacloy.

My favourite's Tandragee.

I can never drive past the turn-off without singing the song from Grease.

# Look at me, I'm Tandragee. #

All right, so you've no idea what the town is?

-Newry.

-You're going to go with Newry?

-It is not Newry. Do you guys want to have a guess?

-I know.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-Go on, then.

-Strabane.

Yes, it's Strabane.

I'll give the point over there.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How did you know it was Strabane?

Hugo Duncan is The Wee Man From Strabane.

-And have you seen this piece of public art?

-The Tinnies?

No, I thought he said titties, to be honest.

The town of Strabane is quite proud of the fact that Tiger Woods

once fished nearby on the River Mourne.

At the time he said it was the only river

he had fished in Northern Ireland, but since then 15 other rivers

have come forward to say he dropped his rod in them as well.

All right, I might move on to Andrew's town.

It is here in 1103 that Magnus Barefoot the King of Norway

is believed to have been killed by a blow to the neck with an axe.

-Good, I hated him.

-Oh, yeah.

Any idea where Magnus the Barefoot was slew?

-Slew, yes.

-He would have definitely been slewn.

Probably where he landed, you know?

They used to do the bit of fighting there, rather than walking.

Oh, God, it's definitely going to be coastal.

-Every single town in Ireland was originally...

-Coastal.

Yeah, coastal.

Here's your next fact.

Over 130,000 people stood across the road

from this town's popular local nightclub in 2012

to watch another famous clubbing event.

Was it a bomb scare?

-Do we have any more facts?

-There is one more fact.

Kevin Costner's multi-million pound movie flop shares its name

with a leisure facility in this town,

but this one will only cost you £4.75.

-Robin Hood.

-No, it's not Robin Hood!

-That wasn't a flop, it was a big success.

-Was it?

-Yes.

Waterworld.

Wherever Waterworld is and it's got to be coastal,

because that's where the Vikings liked hanging out.

-I've forgotten the middle clue.

-Portrush.

It is indeed Portrush, well done.

APPLAUSE

Andrew's team got them both right, so Andrew's team get both points.

This next round asks if there's anything Northern Irish

the panel wish was still around.

Change is good, but sometimes changing back is better.

-So, Jimeoin, what would you like to bring back?

-Dogs' poo.

I always enjoyed it. It was always a nice point of reference.

If somebody stood on it, you always checked to see if it was you first

and as soon as you're in the clear, you go, "Somebody stood in dog shit!"

It was not me.

And you didn't necessarily have to see someone standing in it

to have a laugh. You could see where it used to be,

then you could see where they've kicked it,

and further down you could see where they've gone,

"Oh, no, look at this..."

I always loved watching people trying to take dog poo off their shoe

and the only thing they have to use is their other shoe.

Like trying to get Sellotape off your finger.

Did you ever see a dog walking down the street going,

"Oh, who did that?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I love the fact that you can embarrass a dog out of having a poo.

-Stare the dog down?

-No, just tell him off halfway through it.

You dirty little... You're a disgrace. That's horrible.

And the dog will be...

Whereas a cat will just keep looking at you.

He will just keep doing it, going, "What are you going to do?

-"You got nothing. You got nothing, have you?"

-Nothing.

Ever see somebody, when the dog's doing its business,

and they do that look away, that...

Like the dog's putting its key number in or something.

Andrew, what would you like to bring back?

Up here during the Troubles, you weren't allowed to leave a car

-and walk away from the town centre.

-Unattended.

Unattended, that's what it was. Unattended cars.

So my elderly Northern Irish relatives

used to leave me in the car.

There used to be rows of Cortinas with just a child.

"Well, there's no bomb in here, there's a six-year-old."

Yasmine, what would you like to bring back?

I'd like to bring back...

Do you remember they used to have ads on UTV

which were like a freeze-frame of a furniture store or something?

Just an ad that just went...

A picture, and then it used to go, that kind of...

Then it would go, "Lallie's Furniture Store, open on Saturday,

"nine to five, off the whatever roundabout."

-Are you doing me one now?

-Morgans.

Michael, what would you like to bring back.

Holidays in Northern Ireland.

People are used to going to Torremolinos

and Ibiza and stuff like that.

When I was a kid you didn't.

You went to seaside towns like Portrush or Bundoran or Newcastle.

Summertime was just loads of kids, in anoraks tied round their neck,

and their ma's dragging them along crying.

You only knew at the time you were actually on holiday

because the sandwiches were cut diagonally, you know?

That was it.

We never went on holidays at all.

My mother used to just emigrate every couple of years

and then come back again.

We went to really weird places.

Like, my mother loved... We went to Denmark for about four months

and then my mother was like, "Oh, it's cold, we'll go back."

Then we emigrated to Canada and she was like,

"Oh, it's too warm, we'll go back."

And we kept going back to Drogheda, do you know what I mean?

We went to exciting places and then we'd end up back in Drogheda.

I was going, "How are any of these places not as good as Drogheda?"

Yasmine, was your mummy a salmon?

LAUGHTER

How dare you, Roy Walker!

Roy, what would you like to bring back to Northern Ireland?

Kids' games that we used to play in the street. You know?

Peery And Whip, anybody remember that?

Yeah, and I liked the one with the shovel,

where we used to get the kid there, hit him on the head.

And then we played Forwards, Backwards Or Sideways?

You know, we'd have bets on which way he'd fall.

LAUGHTER

Mickey, what do you want to bring back?

Having to ask a culchie for directions.

I was, like, watching my dad panic when he was lost.

We'd be driving through country somewhere

and you'd see some guy - it always looked like the same person -

he'd be wearing like a tweed suit

and he'd have a shotgun broken open over his arm

and a dog lead, but no dog.

And you would have to start, "Excuse me, I'm trying to find such and such."

And a culchie giving directions is amazing, because all they do is shout sort of time periods.

"Just, ah, 20 minutes up the road there, takes half an hour." It's a nightmare!

Any time we drove anywhere in our car,

my mum, the whole trip, would go, "We're late again!"

"We're always late! Why are we the family that's always late?"

LAUGHTER

Was your mum a pantomime dame?

At the end of that round, the points are going to Jimeoin's team.

APPLAUSE

It's Mystery Monumental now,

in which we celebrate the phenomenal achievement

by a Northern Irisher you probably don't know.

The teams' challenge is to work out what that achievement is.

Would you please welcome

tonight's mystery Monumental world champion guest, David.

# What a man, what a man, what a man

# What a mighty good man

# Yes, he is. #

David, welcome. And, what's that? We have another mystery guest as well.

In fact, he's another world champion, please welcome Sam.

# What a man, what a man, what a man

# What a mighty good man

# Say it again, now. #

LAUGHTER

Roy just asked me whether they were twins.

Put your glasses on, there's only one there!

These guys have both been world champions at something,

but can the panel work it out? Here's your first clue.

You can use a horse for this sport, but the brothers don't.

-So yous don't use a horse, but you can use a horse?

-Yes.

-Is it even a sport?

-It is.

-Or is it a pastime?

-It's a sport.

But you could be from the countryside, do you know what I mean?

Are you pantomime horses?

Here's the second clue.

The secret of their world-beating success

is to give their equipment a good rubdown

before and after every competition.

Are you hookers?

LAUGHTER

No.

Tell you what, that's a very specific taste if they are.

Right, here's your final clue.

This is widely regarded as the slowest motorsport in the world.

Oh! Is it lawnmower racing?

-BOTH:

-No.

-Ploughing?

-Yes, Michael Smiley, you are correct.

APPLAUSE

David and Sam Gill,

identical twin brothers and World Ploughing Champions.

APPLAUSE

-What do yous use instead of a horse?

-Tractor.

A tractor? That's cheating!

-What kind of tractor have you got?

-Ford.

-The blue one?

What ever happened to the Massey Ferguson? I even like saying that.

The ol' Massey Ferguson there,

gives a chance for the boys from the countryside

to get a wee bit of the whistle in the teeth, there, the way they shift.

The wee Massey Ferguson's great. She's a great puller.

Oh, Jesus, she is!

And if you polish her up, sure she's great for church on a Sunday.

-David was the World Ploughing Champion in 2007.

-Yes.

OK. That's you, right? Sam won it in 2008.

-That's correct, yeah.

-Stealing the crown from your own flesh and blood!

David was then crowned the Champion of Ploughing Champions in 2011.

-That's correct.

-Those were the jackets that you win

when you're the World Ploughing Champion.

Ladies and gentlemen, the World Ploughing Champion jackets?

Have you got name tags sewn into the back of them?

We're both the same size.

What gave you the edge over every other plougher?

Probably our competitiveness between the two of us.

You're like the Williams sisters of ploughing.

-I don't have the legs for it.

-You don't have the legs for it?

You look like you're off to your first day at school.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, one more time, Sam and David Gill.

APPLAUSE

I'm going to show the teams a series of newspaper headlines

that link to monumental and not so monumental events

in Northern Irish history. Teams, buzz in.

Guess what the headlines are all about. Headline number one...

-BUZZER

-Is it the new Will Smith movie?

-MIMICS WILL SMITH:

-"Wild West." That could be a great song.

# Wild west Shotgun wedding in Glengormley

# It's the wild, wild west Shotgun wedding in Glengormley... #

To quote a great Northern Irish comedian, "Say what you see."

It's just, it's a Wild West shotgun wedding in Glengormley.

Actually, it is. It's a cowboy-mad Ulster couple

had a Wild West themed wedding in Glengormley. Next headline...

-BUZZER

-Yes?

Is that Barbara Windsor came over to Northern Ireland

and no-one noticed, but she was out of her head on drugs at the time?

LAUGHTER

From that wonderful show, E-Enders.

It was Northern Ireland 1, England 0 at Windsor Park.

Next headline...

-BUZZER

-Mickey?

Hammer Time everywhere else?

It does sound like a euphemism for something.

"G'day, darlin'. Look out, it's marmalade time at the castle!"

It was the rock band Marmalade playing a gig in Banbridge.

-BUZZER

-Roy?

-Mary Peters?

Yes, it was Mary Peters winning Olympic gold. Excellent, Roy.

APPLAUSE

Andrew's team all over it. You've won that round.

APPLAUSE

Now, before we announce the winners and laugh at the losers,

it's time to pay tribute to our special guest, and foist upon him

the highly coveted Monumental status.

This week it's going to be the legendary comedian and game show host,

say what you see, people, it's Mr Roy Walker!

APPLAUSE

Come on over. Have a seat right here.

Ladies and gentlemen, what can you say about our Monumental guest?

Comic legend, national treasure

and host of one of the most popular quiz shows of all time, Catchphrase.

But where do we start? Well, here's Roy as a boy.

LAUGHTER

That's me at school, yeah. Can't remember much about it.

I didn't go often.

LAUGHTER

Who would have thought that kid would turn into such an alpha male?

You boxed in the army, you worked in Harland & Wolff shipyard,

you were the Northern Ireland National Hammer Throw Champion.

Yes, that's me there. I was in the army at the time.

We didn't have guns in them days.

LAUGHTER

Can we see it again?

That's not a hammer.

This is how you throw a hammer.

That's why they don't have anyone from Portstewart in the Olympics.

That is the manliest photo I've ever seen.

I'm assuming the next thing we're going to see is you with a bear.

Really?

Oh, yeah, that was '63. I'd just come out of Australia, actually.

We went into Borneo and that little bear,

its mum and dad had got killed or something like that,

so we adopted it, looked after it, and then we ate it.

LAUGHTER

Your big TV break came in 1977,

when you won ITV's talent show, New Faces.

Wasn't it the highest ever vote or something like that?

Yeah, I rigged it.

LAUGHTER

We can't have you on the show without talking about jokes.

In the '70s, it really was all about the gags.

Do you mind if we show you a good old-fashioned

-Paddy Irishman joke from one of your sets in the '70s?

-Go on, then.

OK. Here it is.

Of course, we're all watching the Olympics.

There's an Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman, couldn't get into it.

The English fella had a good idea.

He picked up a manhole cover and he walks up to the gate

and he said, "Anderson, England, discus."

And the Scotsman, he picked up a telegraph pole.

He said "Macgregor, Scotland, pole vault."

This wee Irish fella picked up a roll of barbed wire.

He said, "Murphy, Ireland, fencing."

APPLAUSE

You have a love of jokes, don't you? A genuine love of jokes.

I love comedians, you know.

Going up to Edinburgh and meeting all this crowd and what have you,

it's like a school outing.

It was very fortunate, to get in with the comedians,

and then get a game show.

It's all on the nod, you know.

"He'll do, give him the job." Then you're lucky.

You hosted Catchphrase for 13 years

and it turned you into a household name. How did you get that job?

I was quite fortunate. I was in a comedy show and what have you,

and the guy was doing a lot of sketches, a fella called Russ Abbot?

-Yeah.

-I was the only stand-up and I was in the second half.

Everybody came in to see him, all of the TV company,

he was very hot at the time.

And I had a good night and they auditioned me the next morning.

I dragged two women out of the gents' toilet who were cleaning it

to play the game.

It had two birds in a bush and one in Mr Chips's hand.

I said, "A bird in the hand?" Tried to give her a clue.

She said, "Shits on your wrist?"

LAUGHTER

I didn't want to embarrass them any more so I said,

"Look, there's the picture there. Say what you see."

And the guys, well, the controllers, they went, "What did he say?"

He said, "He said, say what you see."

And they went, "That's what we want."

So just through saying that, without even thinking, got me the job.

One of the best ever episodes of Catchphrase

featured this clip right here.

Here comes the bonus.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Sean, you're going to have to speak or we'll run out of time.

-I've no idea, sorry.

-You've no idea?

I have £260 in the Bonus Bank. It's got to be won.

We'll wipe the board. Concentrate, here we go...

-Sean?

-Snake charmer.

-Right!

APPLAUSE

You've got a whole new generation of fans,

helped by your Carpark Catchphrase slot

on Chris Moyles' Radio 1 Breakfast Show.

It ran for eight years.

Has it been lovely, getting a whole different generation of people?

It's absolutely crazy. I've done 150 universities in the last three years.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Excellent.

They all want to see a bit of Catchphrase and shout out,

"Say what you see."

At three grand a throw, they can shout what they want!

APPLAUSE

I think it's fair to say that everybody loves Roy,

which is a sitcom waiting to happen.

Here's a message from someone

who might be up for auditioning for a role.

Roy, I'm sorry I can't be with you tonight but as we both know,

I can't be arsed.

We also know that from the minute

you walked out on me and my mother, Gloria Hunniford,

I've looked on you as a father figure.

Honestly, for me, you've always been a hero,

you've always been an inspiration,

you've always been a hell of a drinking partner.

Have an unbelievable evening.

If anybody deserves to be Monumental, it's you.

APPLAUSE

Roy Walker, you are truly Monumental.

CHEERING

At the end of the show, the scores are in

and although you monumentally won the final round,

the scores actually went to Jimeoin's team.

APPLAUSE

Thanks to Jimeoin, Michael Smiley and Yasmine Akram.

Andrew Maxwell and Mickey Bartlett.

And the one and only Roy Walker!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've been Adam Hills, and you're the lovely people of Northern Ireland

who've been truly monumental. Good night.

APPLAUSE

# In the world

# In the air

# On my tongue

# Before my eyes

# Beyond the stars

# Beneath the sun

# So take me in your arms again

# Lead me in my dreams again

# So, what is it worth? #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd