Episode 6 Monumental

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

G'day, I'm Adam Hills, welcome to Monumental,

the panel show about Northern Ireland hosted by an Australian.

Tonight, two teams put Northern Ireland on a pedestal

and worship its brilliance, barminess and bizarreness

and as always, in charge of the team on my right is a comedian

from Northern Ireland who moved to Australia

and made a movie about a Northern Irishman who moved to Australia.

It's Jimeoin.

APPLAUSE

With Jimeoin every week is a comedian

and actor whose full and proper title sounds like one of the Mr Men.

It's Mr Smiley, Michael Smiley.

APPLAUSE

Joining them is tonight's Monumental guest to whom

we will be paying a very special tribute later on in the show.

He's a boxing legend who's predicted he's going to win

tonight by a third round knockout.

We're not quite sure he's grasped the idea of the show.

It's Barry McGuigan.

APPLAUSE

Up against Jimeoin's team is a comic who's just like a high school band - he's loud,

brassy and with a well-developed wind section, it's Andrew Maxwell.

APPLAUSE

With him is a comedian who has had

so many rough gigs at the start of his career, his autobiography

will most likely be called Coined Off - it's Micky Bartlett.

APPLAUSE

And with them is a wonderful actress from Coleraine, best

known for her role in cheeky Channel 4 sitcom The Inbetweeners

and playing opposite Johnny Depp in the Sweeney Todd movie,

it's the lovely Jayne Wisener.

APPLAUSE

Now, as the Australian, I'm the independent observer here

tonight, but don't worry, I have spent time in Northern Ireland.

I've loved being here and learning how everything is "wee".

LAUGHTER

And once you start noticing it, it happens all the time.

I'm staying here at a hotel at the moment

and I got breakfast this morning. "What's your wee room number?"

LAUGHTER

And then after breakfast, "I just need your wee signature."

I was really tempted to go...

LAUGHTER

I do like the phrase here, "Is that you?"

That means, "Have you finished?" Is that right?

What kind of finished are you talking about?

LAUGHTER

No, it's a cliche, but even the people at immigration were friendly

the first time I got here.

You know what I mean, as an Aussie in London

they just look at you and it's, "when are you leaving?"

Anywhere else like Germany, "How long do you intend to stay?"

In Ireland, the guy looked at my passport and went,

"How long are you staying with us?"

Ah!

I thought I was going to move in with him and his family.

"Ah, sure, you can stay upstairs, I'll get you some pillows,

"breakfast is at nine."

Let's kick on with the show.

The first round is called Wish They Were One Of Us.

Each team has to nominate someone famous from anywhere in the world

who they think deserves to be given an honorary Northern Irish status.

Who do you guys think the people of Northern Ireland should

claim as one of their own? Barry, I'm going to start with you.

Who do you think should be Northern Irish?

Being a pugilist, it has to be Muhammad Ali.

Yeah, he would have made a big impression here.

When he fought over here in the 1970s, he boxed a guy in Croke Park

called Al "Blue" Lewis and Blue Lewis wasn't the sharpest tool in the box.

He was taking the taxi into town and there were big billboards

on the side of the road, saying Al "Blue" Lewis fights Cassius Clay,

A.K.A. Muhammad Ali.

He gets in and he rings his manager and says,

"There's something wrong here. They have me fighting two people."

LAUGHTER

I swear to God. That was the truth.

Andrew, who do you want to throw up?

I think and he's just passed away, the first man on the moon,

-Neil Armstrong. He should have been from Northern Ireland.

-Why is that?

Well, I just like hearing people say the word "moon".

LAUGHTER

-NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:

-"One giant step for mankind. I'm on the moon."

"Where have you been?" "I've been to the moon and back."

"Aye, haven't we all, son, haven't we all? Haven't we all."

He wouldn't have put the flag up, he would have painted a mural.

LAUGHTER

He would have really slowly built a bonfire first.

LAUGHTER

Like Tetris, trying to get all those pallets on top of it

before the other one floats away.

Could turn the stick in them in too.

LAUGHTER

This is actually Neil Armstrong

after he completed that famous mission to the moon.

Will you see the Ulster ginger knackered head on him?

LAUGHTER

That is definitely from Omagh!

LAUGHTER

Jimeoin, who would you like to add as being Northern Irish?

I'd like to see William I Am from Black Eyed Peas.

LAUGHTER

Just so you can hear him say, "I'm William I am, so I am."

LAUGHTER

Jane, who would you like to nominate as being Northern Irish?

Um, I'd go for Will Ferrell, for his sense of humour, really.

I think he's completely daft and a lot of people in this country

get it because he's not afraid to be daft and just act rare most of the time.

And, um, also, he's got like normal teeth.

And I think they look a bit Northern Irish and crooked and sort of...

He doesn't have proper Northern Irish teeth either

cos his teeth are all the same colour.

When I fought back in the Ulster Hall in the early '80s,

there used to be these lasses getting into the ring

and the crowd said something to her and she smiled.

And they said, "You've got a smile on you like a bag of chips."

Michael, who would you like to nominate as being Northern Irish?

Eh, Sigmund Freud! He'd get a lot of work to begin with.

He'd never be out of work. And if he had a shop, right?

Like, Sigmund Freud's shop!

It would be brilliant - right next door to a funeral parlour.

He'd make a killing, wouldn't he?

But a Belfast Sigmund Freud, all he would have to just look at you and go, "Ah, your ma."

LAUGHTER

At the end of the round, I'm going to give the points to Andrew's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our next round goes by the name of Town Challenge.

Quite simply we give our panellists some clues to a less well-known town and challenge them to name it.

Jimeoin's team, you're up first. Here is your first fact.

Global superstars like Bruce Springsteen, Van Morrison

and Jim Corr have had guitars made for them in this town.

What? Sorry, I was having a game of noughts and crosses with Barry!

LAUGHTER It's your go.

I just want to beat him. I just want to beat him at something.

-Any more clues?

-Yes, there are more clues.

In 1999, an author originally from this town

wrote the award-winning book, 48 Shades of Brown.

LAUGHTER

Not as erotic!

Why are there only 48 shades of brown?

-Well, how many shades of brown do you want?!

-Grey got 50!

It turns out 48 Shades of Brown is in fact a children's book.

Is it a potty training children's book?!

Your final fact - this town is home to a festival of speed

and there used to be an annual event which happened in the sky.

-I was going to say Ballycastle.

-Why?

-I don't know.

LAUGHTER

The voices told me to do it.

Do you know what, I've been to Ballycastle.

I have distinct memories of being in Ballycastle with friends on tour

and ordering steak and chips, and the waitress went, "Do you want potatoes with that?"

LAUGHTER

I remember going, "It depends on what your definition of chips is."

Did you get a mouthful of yellow man?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What's a mouthful of yellow man?

-Yellow man's a honeycomb-type sweet.

It's, eh, it's famous from Ballycastle.

-We could be making this up.

-You could be making all of this up.

I may, the next time I'm in Ballycastle, just go,

"Hi, can I have a mouthful of yellow man, please?"

Jimeoin's team, do you know what town we're talking about?

-Is it Portadown?

-It is not Portadown.

-Ballycastle.

-It is not Ballycastle.

-Portrush.

-It is neither of those.

-I will let the other team have a go.

-It's Newtownards!

-Newtownards!

Oh my goodness, yes! Newtownards is the town we were looking for!

Newtownards is the town. I'm not saying Newtownards is quiet,

but I did a bit of research and I went online to check out what's going on in Newtownards.

And there was a big thing that said, 'What's on around Newtownards'.

And underneath that there were two words: "No events".

LAUGHTER

Andrew, we'll on to your town. Here are your facts.

Fans of this town's oldest football club are called

the Blue Moon Smurfs.

Right.

Are you allowed to ask the audience or phone a friend or anything?

Here's your next fact.

This town has the longest and widest street in Northern Ireland.

THEY MURMUR

-OK, go on, we want another clue anyway.

-OK, here's your final fact.

George Best was a fan of one of this town's most famous products.

-Oh, we know what it is!

-Yeah?

-Booze.

LAUGHTER

-Boozetown!

-You have a town here called Booze?!

-No, no, I think we do actually know.

-Bushmills?

-Bushmills? No?

-Cookstown.

-Cookstown.

It is indeed Cookstown.

APPLAUSE

For an extra point, can anyone give me a new tourist slogan for Cookstown?

'Cookstown - everything is really wide!'

'Cookstown - you can throw your sausage up our main street!'

LAUGHTER

All right, that round goes to Andrew's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This round asks if there's anything from this green land that doesn't exist any more

that our teams would like to bring back.

Jimeoin, what would you like to bring back to Northern Ireland?

I'd like to see those old phones. You know the ones you dialled with your...

and your mum had a lock on it, you had to ask for the key?

Phoning overseas took for ever. It was two O's.

And because you knew there was two O's, you always left your finger in and got a free ride on the first O.

LAUGHTER

Wasn't it extraordinary that the emergency number was 999,

when it was the second longest number you could possibly ring?

-My ma had a phone voice. Did your ma have a phone voice?

-Oh, yes.

"I'll slap the lug of ye, ye cheeky wee shite!"

Then the phone would go, "Hello, Hollywood 4671?"

I remember when I was growing up at home, if ever we were on the phone,

my mum would be in the background doing that "get off the phone" dance.

Just like...

LAUGHTER

Any time we were on the phone in our house,

my mum turned into Mick Jagger.

LAUGHTER

Barry, what would you like to bring back?

I'd like them to bring back the phrase, "Stickin' out".

Right, and I'll tell you why. In 1986, I was in the Algarve.

Myself and my brother-in-law were walking around the swimming pool.

There's this guy swimming, in a Stetson hat on.

And he looks over, "What about ye, Barry?"

And I said, "All right mate, how are you?"

"Yeah, so what's..." To make conversation I says,

"What's it like around here?" He goes, "Stickin' out!"

And I looked at Martin and says, "What does that mean?"

-I've never heard it before.

-What does it mean?

-It means good.

-Super duper.

-Really good.

So if you say, "What's the movie like?" "Oh, stickin' out."

It has to come with a wee nod and a wee slight wink as well.

"Aye, stickin' out."

You don't just go, "Stickin' out", you go, "Stickin' out".

Jane, what would you like to bring back?

I don't think kids are allowed to play it any more. I don't know if they do or not.

But when we were in P1 to P3, we used to play kiss catch.

And basically, well it was mostly the girls who would chase the boys

in the playground, instead of like playing tig or whatever, you'd just kiss them.

-Yes, Micky?

-I would also like to bring that back!

LAUGHTER

I'll run, you...!

He's got a terrible limp at the moment as well.

Stickin' out!

LAUGHTER

-Yeah, but normally the boys didn't really chase after the girls.

-Fools!

They wouldn't have been chasing after me anywhere, I tell you.

I looked really rare when I was wee.

-Red hair?

-No, I just had a stupid fringe and like big Deirdre glasses from the NHS.

-You know, Deirdre out of Coronation Street?

-I think we've got a photo.

LAUGHTER

-Yeah, if you... Changed your mind now about that wee game, did you?!

-Yeah, never mind - sorry!

-Michael, what would you like to bring back?

-Hedge porn.

LAUGHTER

-What's hedge porn?

-Hedge porn. When I was a youngster growing up,

the only way that you could see, unless you looked through slightly frosted windows,

a naked woman was on porn magazines. And you couldn't go and buy them.

None of the shops had them in the area either where I grew up.

But they would always find them in hedges.

LAUGHTER

That's how I got, I became first sexually aware.

So my first girlfriend, I just rolled her up and stuck in a hedge!

LAUGHTER

Micky, what would you like to bring back?

I would really like to bring back like old pranks,

like proper good Northern Irish pranks we used to do.

Did you ever stand at the side of the road when cars are coming past

with your mate the other side of the street pretending to hold a rope?

LAUGHTER

-Brilliant.

-Just fun.

-Just fun.

-You and your mates pretending to prime a device.

-Yeah!

-I always loved - do you remember "Tell your Ma, saved your life", did you ever do that?

-Oh, yeah.

You were walking down the street with someone and you pretend to push your mate into the road

then pull them back and go, "Oh, tell your man, saved your life!"

LAUGHTER

Did you ever get it wrong? "Tell your Ma..."

"Oh, I'm going to have to tell your Ma."

My favourite pranks were always done on my wee sister.

She was afraid of the dark. So what I used to do was go upstairs on the landing,

take the light bulb out, and then lie along the skirting board.

Just lie along the skirting board. She'd come up and go,

"I know you're up here, you're not scaring me tonight. I know you're here somewhere.

"I'm going to the toilet, don't you come anywhere near me.

And as she went past I'd grab by the ankle and she'd do a big fart and fall on the ground.

LAUGHTER

And I used to hide in her bedroom. So one night she came in, I remember it, I'll never forget it.

She was like that, "Right, I'm just going to check under the bed."

She made it into a wee song. "Checking under the bed now.

"Just going to check in the built-in wardrobe."

"Check the built-in wardrobe." I wasn't there.

She went to close the curtains, I jumped out from behind the curtains.

Heart attack. I think that's what stunted her growth, to be fair.

She could have been tall and willowy.

All right, at the end of that round,

I'm giving the points to Jimeoin's team.

APPLAUSE

Right, it's time now to meet tonight's mystery Monumental guest.

We don't know what they did

but we know it was monumental or they wouldn't be here.

They have achieved something great but can the panels guess what it is?

Would you please welcome Allister?

APPLAUSE

Right, everyone, we are in the presence of a man who has

broken a world record twice but what was it? I will give you a clue.

This is a headline from the world record.

Aching arms, limbs and hallucinations

but Allister sets a record.

-Press ups.

-No.

Did you find porn in a hedge?

LAUGHTER

-You held your hands out the longest.

-No.

Will you give us your next clue, please?

It was essential that my grip was not too tight.

You were holding on to something.

I was.

Barry's all over it here.

Keep that in mind. Here is your final clue.

Because the record took over 102 hours to break,

he get some of it in his sleep.

-Holding a brush above your head.

-No.

What is it about holding?

He gripped it. So it's about bloody grip.

Shut up, Andrew, or I'll go over and smack you.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I'm going to die.

The thing that you're working with,

was it alive or was it like a stick or something?

-Yes.

-It was a stick?

-Yes.

-Are you a band...

-HE WHISTLES

-Was it just one stick?

-There was two sticks.

-Drumming.

Yes, Michael Smiley.

APPLAUSE

Allister Brown has twice held the world record

for continuous drumming.

He drummed for 102 hours and 49 minutes.

APPLAUSE

Listen, we couldn't bring you on Monumental and not hear you drum

so could you please have a seat for us and give us a demonstration?

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Andrew's team lost that round so as a penalty,

I want a one-liner from each of you, if you can.

Get ready with a drum shot.

A crab walks into a bar, the barman goes, "You're barred."

He goes, "Why?" "Cos you were in here last night giving it all that."

DRUM STING

What is Mr T's favourite yoghurt?

Petit Filous!

DRUM STING

Jayne, have you got anything?

Oh, no, if I told a joke, you'd be like, "Boom-tsh, nah."

DRUM STING Nah!

-I have one.

-Go.

What did St Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland?

Are you all right in the back there, lads?

DRUM STING

Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married.

The wedding wasn't great but the reception was fantastic.

DRUM STING

I've got a couple of limericks for you.

There was a young man... Oh, I'm not going to tell you that one.

It's very good though.

There was a young man from Macarthur

Who was a magnificent farter

On the strength of one bean

He'd fart God Save The Queen

And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

DRUM STING

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They've got a machine that can do that now.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

How many Northern Irish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't worry about me, I'll be all right in the dark.

DRUM STING

Did you hear about the gay shark? The gay shark went,

# Da-dum

# Da-dum

# Da, da-da, da, da-da-da. #

DRUM STING

Guy goes to the doctor's, says,

"Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Jelly Baby."

And the doctor ate the face off him.

DRUM STING

A wee fellow comes home from school and he says,

"Dad, you want to see our new maths teacher.

"She's like that, there." He says, "What? Big tits?"

"No," he says, "Arthritis."

DRUM STING

Ladies and gentlemen, our Monumental mystery guest, Allister Brown.

APPLAUSE

All right, this next round is all about monumental

and not so monumental moments in your history.

Lucky for us, they were all reported in one local paper or another.

Here's the headlines but what are the stories?

Headline number one.

BUZZER

Is it Jonathan Ross getting arrested?

That was a local terrier employed as a guard dog gets

laid off as a jewellery shop closes.

You know, that monumental moment in Irish history.

Here's your next headline.

BUZZER

-Yes, Andrew.

-It's about Barry McGuigan.

It is indeed about Barry McGuigan.

-Barry didn't even get that one.

-I didn't even get one.

Can't remember anything about his own life but, my Jesus,

he knows a dirty poem.

It was when you became world featherweight champion.

-That was the year I won the world title, yeah.

-Yeah.

Next headline.

How can a dawdler be a menace to start with?

They're just going really slow.

Where would that be really annoying?

-BUZZER

-Michael.

-Country lanes.

-Yes. Well done.

It was Sunday drivers in Ulster create difficult driving

conditions by driving too slow.

Probably would have been the Austin A40.

Had to probably double clutch it and stuff like that.

Slow down to look at a couple of hedgerows.

-And there's you.

-And there's you.

Next headline.

BUZZER

-Jimeoin.

-No idea.

LAUGHTER

Space Invaders. Maybe. Is it?

Yes. Weirdly, it actually was.

Police in Dungannon suspect the Space Invaders craze

is to blame for a spate of robberies.

It's just loads of blokes doing that.

LAUGHTER

At the end of that round, points to Jimeoin's team.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, the panellist getting Monumental status

this evening is widely regarded

as the greatest boxer Ireland ever produced.

He's a superstar and absolutely everybody knows his name.

Mr Barry McCochrane.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Barry McCochrane.

I remember, actually, the funniest thing of all was

when I went on the Sports Personality Of The Year,

Sir Stanley Rous was the guy that got my name wrong.

And Bruno was sitting, as you could see, beside me

and he had this big booming laugh, right?

So your man got up and he said,

POSH ACCENT: "And the winner is Mr Barry McCochrane."

And Bruno started, "Oh-ho! Oh-ho, ho, ho! Oh-ho!"

And everybody in the bloody audience started laughing.

I had this prepared speech in my head and when I got down there

I had forgotten everything.

On the eighth of June 1985 you achieved your dream

and 20 million people watched you do this.

-COMMENTATOR:

-McGuigan's work has not been so effective in this round.

He hasn't found the range.

Yes, he did. He's gone in with a right.

Boom.

APPLAUSE

What is it like watching that back and hearing that sentence,

"He hasn't found the range?"

He hasn't found it, he hasn't found it, oh, yes, he has,

he's come in with a right!

I was at Loftus Road whenever you won that fight.

We didn't have radio commentary so we had our own. It was

a whole load of boys from Northern Ireland.

When you put him on the ground,

a friend of mine, he was standing beside me, all I heard was,

"Put him on his hoop, Barry!"

LAUGHTER

Something very special happened before that fight.

Something stirring.

Something that gave you an extra advantage that no-one will forget.

Let's have a look.

-COMMENTATOR:

-And a midget, an Irish midget,

bounces about the ring as McGuigan is announced.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There's a story behind that, obviously.

What actually happened was my ex-manager had seen a similar

situation with a guy called Sean O'Grady who was

a fellow from Oklahoma of Irish descent

and he had this little dwarf in doing a spin and throwing dust

and we thought it would spook the Panamanian champion who was

making his 20th defence

and he just looked at this little guy going round

and he laughed, you know.

I love the commentator going, "And there is a midget!"

It's like, "He's escaped! He's amongst us! Somebody get him!"

You started taking titles very young,

winning Commonwealth gold for Northern Ireland when you were 17.

We actually found a clip of Barry in the airport in Canada,

so young he hadn't even grown the classic McGuigan moustache.

-COMMENTARY:

-Little did we know that the fresh-faced teenager proudly

showing off his gold medal would go on to be one of the truly

great boxers of his day.

APPLAUSE

Now, your success and popularity also allowed you to pioneer

a new kind of fitness video.

This is amazing.

You teamed up with Britain's favourite Page Three stunner

Samantha Fox and released Fighting Fit.

Here is a clip of it.

-Good to see you, Sam.

-Hiya.

Tell me, Samantha, what do you want from a training programme?

Basically, I'd like something different, effective

and fun to do at the same time.

-With Fighting Fit, that's what you're going to get.

-So are we ready then?

Hold on a minute. There's only one way to do this

and that's the right way.

Looking after your figure and keeping the weight down is something

I know about from all my years of modelling and being on the stage

as a singer. It's really all about energy balance.

Energy in is food and energy out is exercise.

-So, are we ready to go now then?

-You bet.

APPLAUSE

That's brilliant.

The look on your face. It's like you look like Dougal McGuire,

just like that.

No, you also tried your hand at a talk-show host.

Ali or Sugar Ray never got that.

We loved your opening titles.

LAUGHTER

Hello, folks.

APPLAUSE

I'm with you, Barry, there's not enough of that.

The only reason I'm laughing is cos I had such lovely hair.

Look, it's all gone. Where did it all go?

It love to see more of that on chat shows. Just...

Forget it.

There is a great quote from Bono on the cover of your autobiography.

It says, "At a dark hour in Ireland, Barry McGuigan shone

"a light towards peace. Barry's not only a champion, he's a hero."

I think this footage proves what you mean to people here.

This was your homecoming.

-Can you talk us through how it felt that day?

-Yeah, it was amazing.

I went on Royal Avenue and there was about 75,000 people there.

I'll never forget it till the day I die. It was amazing.

A couple of days later, I went down to Dublin

and there was about 200,000 people going down O'Connell Street.

It took me an hour and a half to go from O'Connell Street to

the Mansion House so it was very special

and what it meant to them, I knew it meant something special to them.

It made me feel pretty good.

Barry, you are truly monumental.

You'll always be a hero to the people of this island and beyond

but we'll leave it out to another big hitter and a super fan of yours

for the last word.

Hiya, Barry. Congratulations on receiving this Monumental status.

It really could not happen to a nicer guy.

I've studied your career for many years.

Remember that left hook to the body? I've nearly got it right now.

You've done Irish boxing

very, very proud and I hope you really, really enjoy your evening

and I look forward to seeing you soon, my friend.

APPLAUSE

Barry McGuigan, you are Monumental.

CHEERING

CHANTING: Barry! Barry! Barry! Barry! Barry! Barry!

At the end of the show, the scores are in and, you know what, you were

in front before the final round but that absolutely sealed it -

Jimeoin's team have won the show tonight.

APPLAUSE

It is thanks to Jimeoin and Michael Smiley,

Andrew Maxwell, Micky Bartlett and Jayne Wisener

and the monumental Barry McGuigan.

APPLAUSE

I've been Adam Hills and you lovely people of Northern Ireland

have been truly monumental. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd