Episode 1 Monumental

This programme contains adult humour.

APPLAUSE

On the show tonight, it's Andrew Maxwell.

Micky Bartlett, and the voice of the X Factor, Peter Dickson.

Up against them, it's Jimeoin, Michael Smiley

and our Monumental Guest, Christine Bleakley.

And here's your host, Jarred Christmas.

Hello, and welcome to Monumental.

The show from Northern Ireland hosted by a Kiwi.

I'm Jarred Christmas and I'll be your host for the evening and I know

about as much about Northern Ireland as you do about New Zealand.

Something I like to do when I travel around is study the accents.

I'm not very good at accents, but I can certainly tell

the difference between a New Zealand and an Australian accent.

And the main difference is the New Zealand accent is sexy.

Most of the time I hear the full-on Northern Irish accent,

I can't figure out what you're saying.

Your words are like a Rubik's Cube in my mind

that I'm struggling to solve.

So the technique I use is I wait quietly until there's a gap and say,

"Um, yeah." And that's how I ended up buying a caravan in Larne.

And to speak Northern Irish is to speak a bit like a pirate,

but only on the Rs.

Luckily, I love speaking like a pirate, so I love your accents.

Can I have a pint of HaRp?

You've got to make sure it's an old-school pirate,

not a Somali pirate.

-COMEDY SOMALI ACCENT:

-I want a pint of Harp and a million dollars.

That gets awkward.

I can pretty much say only one thing in Northern Irish...

-Go on!

-..which is Northern Ireland, but I have to pull a face for it.

I have to go...

-NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:

-Northern Ireland.

That's good.

-Peter, you don't sound Northern Irish?

-I am.

Born and bred in Belfast.

NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: I can turn it back on again for you.

No problem.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's... NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: ..time, like, to face the music.

Christine, did you find you had to change your accent

when you moved over?

I had to say the odd word, like "film" and stuff like that.

People just did not know what I meant.

"Fil-lum?" - as in that's somewhere in London.

They didn't understand that at all.

-Movie.

-But then I said, "Hold on - that's just the way I say it."

The word film is kind of one syllable but you guys just chuck an extra one in.

Just for the fun of it.

-It's all right.

-I have to mime shower.

Sometimes I do different mimes to confuse them.

Shower.

I'll try that.

All right, we better get on with the show.

We call this round Wish They Were One Of Us.

Each team has to nominate an international celebrity

that they think deserves honorary Northern Irish status.

Jimeoin, let's start with you? Who would you like to be Northern Irish?

The Pope.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The Pope because he's got a cracking sovereign ring.

He drives around in a bulletproof car.

And he's called Frankie, but that's not his real name.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It would be great if he drove around in the Popemobile and the hand

of God came down, picked it up and shook it and it was like a snow-dome.

I love the idea that he thinks he's getting into a car

that's really groovy, it's glass, it's bulletproof, but he has to stand up in it.

He tries to sell it second-hand and he has to tell them it's a bit of a pig round corners.

Remember the last Pope Benedict?

There was controversy about him being in the Hitler Youth.

That sort of stuff. If he was Northern Irish

when he got ordained it would have been cracking because he would

have walked out of the Vatican and went, "I'm only joking."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, Andrew, who would you make Northern Irish?

Mark Zuckerburg could be from around here.

Cos he's loaded but he still insists on dressing in hoodies like a scumbag.

Ah, Facebook, what have we done?

If your government came to you and went,

"We want to know everything about you.

"And none of this once every ten years crap fill in a boring long form.

"Every day, every hour, who are your friends? Who are your connections?

"What do you like? What did you have for dinner?

"Take a picture of your dinner and send it to me!"

You'd tell your government to back off.

But we've given that to Facebook for free,

and all we got back was the vague possibility of becoming

reacquainted with some bellend from our primary school.

Christine, who would you like to be Northern Irish?

Angela Merkel, who as far as I'm concerned is running Germany,

obviously, but she's a real ballsy woman.

She holds all the purse strings and she bosses all

the blokes around and says, "You'll sit down and be quiet.

"There's £10 - go and buy yourself something nice."

I quite like her for it.

She'd fit in amongst the other women in Northern Ireland

because that's exactly what we all have to do.

We let you men think that you're in charge but we all know you're not.

Is that right, ladies?

In all fairness, a lot of Irish men owe her a lot of money.

Merkel's got to be a Prod.

You guys keep throwing out the word Prod.

I just think that's poking someone, a prod.

You've got a lot to learn.

I have got a lot to learn.

-OK, Peter, who do you want to make Northern Irish?

-Rob Ford.

Rob is or was the mayor of Toronto in Canada.

First of all, he looks like a pig farmer from Draperstown.

And he likes a bit of the old crack.

He's not a fun-loving mayor - he actually smokes a crack pipe.

He's by far the world's fattest crackhead.

First time I saw him I thought,

"There's got to be some sort of spelling mistake.

"They mean cake."

OK, Michael Smiley, who would you nominate to be Northern Irish?

Clint Eastwood.

Cos let's be honest, over here everybody knows a dirty Harry.

How's Dirty Harry? Morning. You feeling lucky today? Back off.

Clint Eastwood could definitely fit in here.

There's plenty of men of a certain age here who can be

found in the afternoon, drunk, having an argument with an empty chair.

-And, Micky, who do you want to make Northern Irish?

-Super Mario.

For a couple of reasons. Obviously, Super Mario is a plumber.

And his brother is also a plumber.

So that's two brothers who are plumbers with Italian names.

That could be anyone on the Falls Road.

Mario and Luigi Murphy, right?

Also, in the game Super Mario, he used to encounter mushrooms

and they would give him these special powers.

My mate Dave is a plumber and we went on holiday to Holland.

And Dave found a mushroom.

And the similarities between those two things were fantastic.

Because when Mario thinks he's a giant, Dave kept doing this.

We didn't know what he was doing until two or three days later

and he told us he thought his finger was a metre long

and that was him trying to hide his hand in his pocket like that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, I'm going to award that round to Andrew's team.

Yes!

This round is called Town Challenge.

It's not about the big name glamour of Millisle or the razzle-dazzle of Lurgan.

This is about the small places. Jimeoin, your team is up first.

I'm going to give you a fact or a clue.

All you have to do is guess the town.

Here we go, here's your first fact.

This town's golf club claims to be the world's oldest clubhouse,

which is apparently haunted by a Grey Lady and a snooker player.

I don't know.

What I want to know is why is there never a caveman ghost?

People always go, "There was a headless horseman and a knight.

"We can heap the clop.

Or, "There's a White Lady and we can hear her crying for her babies

"and she's in her robes." It's never, "Ugh. Fire!"

I think the banshee was probably somebody who didn't want to

get up and go to their crying baby.

"The baby's crying again, you get up."

"No, don't worry, that's the banshee."

I'll give you a second fact. The town's delicacy is potted herring.

The herrings are wrapped around onion, bay leaf and allspice

with vinegar and water topped with breadcrumbs and then baked.

Mm. It's making my mouth dry up.

It's a good job that Rob Ford isn't here,

because potted herring sounds a little bit like pot and heroin.

You'd be so disappointed thinking you're going around to somebody's house to get some pot and heroin.

-Ah, potted herring. Oh, no.

-Breadcrumbs.

And your final fact is that Van Morrison wrote

the following song about an island in the town.

# Drove through Shrigley taking pictures, and on to Killyleagh

# Stopping for Sunday papers at the Lecale District... #

-Love that song!

-Love it!

-Do you like it, Christine?

-One of my favourites!

I like it when he says "I look at the side of your face."

There's not that many songs sung in a Northern Irish accent, is there?

Aye, there is! # Armoured cars and tanks and guns

# Came to take away our sons

# Every man must stand behind

# The men behind the wire... #

And it's beautiful song to make love to!

LAUGHTER

Keep at that pace...

But Northern Irish songs couldn't be done in, like, a lounge style.

CHEESILY: # Armoured cars and tanks and guns

# Bup-bup-bup-bup

# ..but every man will stand behind the men behind the wire, yeah! #

# Ba-da-bup buh-de-bah

LAUGHTER

# We're up to our knees in Fenian blood

# Surrender or you'll die

# We are the Billy Billy Boys... #

APPLAUSE

Do you need a guess, or do you know what it is?

I think, and I could be wrong, because you had another suggestion...

-I'll go for a different one.

-Oh, no, don't say that.

-Then it's too much responsibility!

-No, you go.

Are you going to need a Finnish Prime Minister to negotiate here?

We'll let Angela Merkel get it right.

I think it's Ardglass. Christine thinks it's Ardglass.

-You think it's Ardglass?

-Yeah.

-Well done!

The answer was Ardglass in County Down.

APPLAUSE

Right, Andrew and your team,

here's the first fact about your mystery town.

This town area has the highest life expectancy

of any area in Northern Ireland.

Well, that must be some place.

High life expectancy. Right, OK.

We can get rid of the Catholic towns.

LAUGHTER

-Do you want your next clue?

-Yes, please.

Er...yeah!

This town is home to one of the most photographed natural phenomena

in Northern Ireland - the Dark Hedges.

-Oh, I know this, as well!

-The Dark Hedges...!

The Dark Hedges.

And the Dark Hedges are the second most popular hedges in that town

after Benson and?

-In Antrim somewhere?

-Aren't the Dark Hedges...hedges?

Yes, it's this beautiful lane that has these trees that have grown over.

Oh, I know that. Yeah, yeah.

It's a tunnel of trees.

It sounds like someone from Ballymena saying "the Dark Ages".

-MIMICS:

-Dark 'Edges!

And your final clue is that

this town was granted a licence for fUSe FM,

the First Ulster Scots radio station in Northern Ireland in 2013.

Their DJs included Big Rab, Big Dog, Big Al and Willie.

They don't have any Big Willies.

-Ballymena. Let's say Ballymena.

-Ballymena? No.

What about you guys?

Ballymoney.

Ballymoney it is!

Well done.

Well done.

Do you guys just put Bally in front of things you want -

Ballymoney, Ballycastle...

-Bally-clava?

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

When you get the Bally-clava you get the Ballymoney!

LAUGHTER

CHRISTINE CACKLES

LAUGHTER REDOUBLES

I am going to award that round to Jimeoin's team!

It's time to cast our minds back

in a round called Monumentally Missed.

Is there any Northern Irish that doesn't exist any more,

which you would like to bring back?

Let's start with you, Christine.

Do you remember the bomber jackets?

And they had a picture of your favourite music person on the back.

I remember buying one in Newtownards market, years ago.

And it was Kylie and Jason on the back,

and I loved my little bomber jacket.

And we all had little badges down here, because that was really cool.

And I think we need to bring the bomber jacket back

and pay tribute to the musicians that we love.

-They just don't do it any more.

-I never knew they DID do it.

Did you have one?

I had one with The Pope written across the back.

We just had pencil cases,

and wrote in felt tip the band that we liked.

-We did that.

-A mate of mine wrote on his pencil case, "I'm number one."

But he abbreviated "number" to "n-o" so it looked like - I'm no-one.

I love the idea that in Northern Ireland in the '80s

that the bomber jacket was quite big.

Yeah!

And nobody got the irony of it whatsoever.

Does my bomb look big in this?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Andrew, your turn.

Although I like a drink, I want to bring back

when it was harder to get drink.

It's just too damn easy these days.

Back in the day, all your boozing was in the pub, then you'd stumble home.

But now it's drinking wine indoors.

It creeps up on you!

At the end of the week,

you're looking into that recycling box in your front garden

just thinking, "Oh-ho-ho, I have got to stop drinking or stop recycling!"

LAUGHTER

In the Republic you cannot buy booze anywhere on Good Friday,

except on the trains.

I'm not joking you, half of Dublin gets on a train to Cork

and back again.

Never travel by public transport on Good Friday,

it's just full of people absolutely hammered.

When you say "the Republic"

I just think of Star Wars.

There's plenty of pubs on the border

that look like they're out of Star Wars!

No, the other side of the border, the South, right?

-The dark side.

-"The dark side."

We prefer to call it the no-smoking section.

Jimeoin, what would you like to bring back?

Old photographs. Like the old films we used...the 24 and 36.

I liked the whole fact that they were the sense of memories.

You'd take them to the chemist,

and there'd always be... You hadn't finished the film,

and you'd have to take an extra couple of photographs to finish it.

I ended up with a whole album of photographs that I'd taken

to finish off the film.

They're all of me with my arm around different chemists.

LAUGHTER

Do you remember Polaroid? Take a photo - trrrrrr...

Then you waited for it to start... the Polaroid picture.

But it meant that you could take the photographs

you REALLY wanted to take.

I came across my mate and his girlfriend's secret Polaroids stash -

Man, it looked like a crime investigation, so it did!

LAUGHTER

-Oh!

-Someone came up with an iPhone the other day

to try to get a photograph, and they held it up,

and I did my thing cos... You have big teeth, I don't have big teeth.

And I was trying to get my teeth in,

cos I look like I don't have teeth.

So I'm doing this.

And they're holding it and they just stood there for ages...

and they had it on video mode.

LAUGHTER

We watched it back, and it was really tragic - just me...

LAUGHTER

You know when you try...

Do you have a look that you do? A look that you...

And you see the person getting the camera out

and you go for your look too early, and you go...

But they haven't... And you have to try and hold that.

But you've gone too early.

Like when you laugh at a joke, then you realise the joke is about you.

LAUGHTER

Peter, what would you like to bring back to Northern Ireland?

Short phone numbers.

My mother's was Dundonnell 351,

my auntie lived in Holywood, she was 437,

and I also miss the way people answered the phones back then.

I used to enjoy the frisson of a phone ringing in the house

-on a Sunday evening.

-Who's that?!

-My mother would say, just that!

She'd go, "Who's that calling our house at this time

"on a Sunday night?" And we'd look at each other and say,

"I don't... I'm not... Are you expecting a phone call? No.

"Are you expecting a phone call? I'm not expecting a phone call."

Meanwhile, the phone's ringing and ringing,

and I'm, "For God's sake, answer the bloody phone!"

And I'd answer the phone and I'd go, "Dundonnell 351?"

My dad only knew one phone number

and it was the phone number for our local Chinese.

But, you know sometimes when you order Chinese

they ask you for your phone number, and once the girl said,

"What's your number?" and he gave them their number back.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to give that round to Andrew Maxwell's team!

APPLAUSE

OK, let's move on.

This round goes by the name of Mystery Monumental.

"Mystery" because our teams have to identify

an unsung hero of Northern Ireland,

and Monumental because that's the name of the show.

Please welcome Jake and Corin King.

APPLAUSE

These two brothers are both world-beaters,

but what did they beat the world at?

Joyriding?

OK, here's your first clue.

Experts in this sport will have to master the back door,

the floater, and the hot donkey.

The hot donkey!

Do you have to wear any kind of costume? Or any safety gear...?

-You wear certain equipment.

-A lot of equipment.

-Is it climbing?

-No.

-No.

Are you handcuffed when you're doing it, cos you look handcuffed now?

LAUGHTER

Why don't you tell them the next clue?

In this sport you can suffer from a nasty wipe-out.

All be slapped around by an angry left-hander.

-It's surfing!

-Close.

-Close.

-What do you mean "close"?

-Not surfing.

-It means it's NOT surfing.

LAUGHTER

Your final clue is a newspaper headline...

-Is it wakeboarding?

-No.

-PETER:

-Is it waterboarding?

LAUGHTER

Kitesurfing?

Yous are getting close.

Is it sheep dipping?

APPLAUSE

-OK, one last guess each.

-Come on, Micky.

Hesitation. You're out.

That's not fair. Micky's from Lurgan, he's never seen the sea.

APPLAUSE

Last guess from Jimeoin's team.

Water luge.

OK, I'm going to give it to you guys.

I'm going to tell you what it is.

The King brothers are both world-beating surf kayakers.

Corin is the British Champion and former Junior World Champion.

Jake is the World Champion, having won it in 2013 in Australia.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We've got a clip of them in action. Let's have a look at it.

-Oh, wow.

-Oh, my god.

Looks like fun, doesn't it?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, none of you got it right,

so unfortunately I can't award that round to anyone -

apart from these two boys.

Seriously though, what's a hot donkey?

It's a mystery move.

It's a mystery move that nobody knows what it is or how it's done.

It's just a Northern Irish saying - the hot donkey.

-A hot donkey.

-Have you done many hot donkeys these days?

That's just it.

Do you put lipstick on donkeys?

Ladies and gentlemen, keep giving it up big time

for Jake and Corin King!

CHEERING

Well, we're near the end of the show.

But before we reveal tonight's winners,

it's time to pay tribute to our special guest.

She's Monumental, and it's time to find out some reasons why.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Christine Bleakley.

CHEERING

Lovely chair for you.

Nice, yes. I like it.

-We made it specifically for you.

-Thank you.

Except C didn't work out, so...

You're a national treasure around these parts.

You've reached the top of your game and you're still smiling.

Here you are smiling even though you're from Newtownards.

That's when I first started working in here, actually.

I came in wearing that very school uniform,

as lots of these cameramen here today will remember.

Not for that reason...

LAUGHTER

It just happened to be what I wore.

You started behind the scenes in TV.

Oh, the glitz and the glamour and the pizzazz.

Here you are making people sick.

Chicken broth soup...

SHE SQUEALS

'Oh, my goodness me.'

..it's pea and ham soup.

That was when I worked on Give My Head Peace,

which I'm sure everybody remembers.

We were doing a special in Spain, we were filming over there.

I had to make vomit. I spent my day making buckets of sick.

You should have just got hammered the night before. Here...

-HE RETCHES

-My work here is done.

In four short years at the BBC, you presented...

HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH

Blast On The Box, The 11th Hour, Primary Focus,

Town Challenge, First Stop, Sky High,

Looking For Love, Children In Need, Country Calls, Summer Season,

Clash Of The Celtic Giants,

The Irish Music Awards, and, my personal favourite,

Spill The Beans.

-HE SIGHS

-Oh, gosh.

Thank you.

I had the best time, honestly. I really mean that.

Four years of just complete bliss.

Of course, after that you were poached

by BBC Two's Let Me Entertain You.

Then came The One Show.

Their average of 5 million viewers, 7 million at their peak,

and then everybody knew who Christine was.

I was only ever supposed to be there for two weeks.

I would come back every Friday night.

My mum and dad, who are in the audience, would pick me

up from the airport and I'd spend the weekend at home.

I'd fly back on a Monday.

Then two weeks went to four weeks and to six weeks and then suddenly

they asked, "Would you want to stay?" That was how it began.

It was never, ever the plan at all. It was just fantastic.

We had a brilliant time doing it. It was just 30 minutes a day of fun.

It was great. It was brilliant.

Well, I certainly stopped watching once you left.

But that was only the beginning.

You've always used your fame to do your bit for charity.

You're involved in the Prince's Trust

and also you did quite an amazing thing for Sport Relief.

Let's have a look.

I can see France, and nothing is going to stop me.

I did it!

I swear I couldn't be happier.

That was a tough hour and 40 minutes of my life.

-Yeah, I bet.

-Worth it.

Worth it in the end.

Did you do it at the same time as David Walliams swam it?

That would have been funny, you just took past...

See ya!

How much did you raise?

Em, almost 1.5 million.

That's incredible. Well done.

We're going to go back to Newtownards

-just for a little bit now.

-NEWtownards.

-You're Newtownards.

-Newtownards, that's it.

-New-nards.

-How about every time I have to say it, you say it?

-OK.

-So what does Frank Lampard think of...

-Newtownards?

-He likes it very much.

-Does he?

-I can guess where this might be going.

Where did you take him the first time he went to Newtownards?

The Poundland shop...

LAUGHTER

..in Newtownards Shopping Centre.

Look, you've got to keep it real. Do you know what I mean?

I hear you. I hear you, sister.

We went to the Poundland shop, yeah.

Looks like he's nicked a whole load of stuff.

He's got his hands in his pockets.

"Let's get out of here, Christine."

-Oh, my goodness me.

-What did you buy him there, Christine?

Em, sweets, batteries for a radio phone thing and bleach.

I thought you were making a bomb.

Can't beat it. You can't beat it.

Whatever they're doing,

they don't want any evidence to be there after it.

And a Polaroid camera.

You're a great sport and they love you round these parts.

Long may your success continue.

Here's one of your biggest fans with a lovely little message.

Congratulations, Christine, on achieving this Monumental status.

I had to be here to say this - that you are the kindest,

most wonderful, most genuine person. I say that with true heart.

I love working with you.

Beaten only by Gordon the Gopher.

Oh, my goodness!

That is impressive.

I still get butterflies and nerves working with Phillip Schofield.

You've watched him for years and then he sits beside you, the Silver Fox.

I can't believe it. That's really lovely. Thank you very much.

Christine, we love you, they love you.

You truly are Monumental.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So that's about the end of this show. The scores are in.

Tonight, we're going to leave it to the professional Mr Dickson.

And the winners are...

my team!

CHEERING

So that's thanks to Andrew Maxwell, Micky Bartlett and Peter Dickson.

Jimeoin, Michael Smiley and the fantastic

and Monumental Christine Bleakley.

CHEERING

I've been Jarred Christmas,

and you lovely people of Northern Ireland have been truly Monumental.

Good night.

# I can tell just what you want

# You don't want to be alone

# You don't want to be alone

# I can't say it's what you know

# But you've known it the whole time

# Yeah, you've known it the whole time. #