Episode 2 Monumental

This programme contains adult humour

APPLAUSE

On the show tonight, Andrew Maxwell, Micky Bartlett,

and the awesome comic and actor Shane Todd.

Facing them Jimeoin, Michael Smiley

and our Monumental guest, Dana.

Please welcome your host Jarred Christmas.

Hello, and welcome to Monumental,

the show about Northern Ireland, hosted by a Kiwi.

My job tonight is to be an independent observer on this show

and find out what is Monumental about this beautiful place.

Northern Ireland and New Zealand - they've got a lot in common, guys.

And we've got one thing that we're both obsessed about, the weather.

I love looking up into the sky at the shapes of the clouds,

you know, finding different shapes.

"Look, that one looks like a dog! Look, that one looks like your mum."

I love shapes of clouds, but you need separate clouds for that

and in Northern Ireland, you just have one continuous cloud

that looks like a massive duvet.

I guess that's why it's so comfy here,

just so comfortable underneath your massive duvet.

I just want to spoon everyone.

Last year, though,

the sun did decide to grace this beautiful land with its presence.

Just like in New Zealand, I've noticed everybody here

makes the most of it.

Apparently, you deal with good weather just like we do -

open up a beer, fire up the barbie, then call in sick for work.

-Jarred, have you experienced Ireland in August?

-I have not.

Oooff! 20 degrees every day. Granted, that's not a great tourism slogan.

"Come to Ireland, it's room temperature."

The weather I always have a problem with is snow in Northern Ireland,

because it just has so much in common

with a terrifying ex-girlfriend of mine

in that sort of, on average, once every two years, I'll be

looking forward to my day, come down to my living room,

pull back the curtains and just find it, like, there,

lying in my driveway...

I mean, obviously, I'm not going to leave the house

until I'm satisfied that my dad's removed it with a spade.

In Northern Ireland, we are

prepared for All Kinds Of Everything with the weather.

Boom, boom!

We'd better get on with the show.

This round is called Wish They Were One Of Us.

Our teams have to tell us out of anyone in the world

who they think is worthy of being called Northern Irish.

Jimeoin, who would you like to claim?

I'd like to see the A-Team...

..cos they're all on the dole,

but whenever they did have work, they'd all go to work in one van.

And they were accused of a crime they didn't commit.

-Mickey, your turn.

-I'd like to have Colonel Sanders from KFC.

He's quite Northern Irish in a way because he's a colonel,

but no-one's really sure what army he was in.

Chicky ar la.

-Dana liked that one.

-Our chicken will come.

-That was fowl.

-That was fowl! LAUGHTER

Did anybody see that programme where they asked different people

in the street why it was called Kentucky Fried Chicken

or where it came from and nobody knew.

Why was it? Because it's got chicken in it?

-Because, Jim, it comes from Kentucky.

-Right.

-But nobody knew it came from Kentucky.

-This is news to me.

Did you know that?

I just called you Jim, I should have called you Jimeoin

but I thought your name was Jim Owen.

I'm not too sure either, to be honest.

So does that mean your name is Da Na?

-This Jimeoin?

-Yes.

-Is that a real name?

-What? Yeah.

-I've never heard it before.

-My mother made it up

and my surname is just too long.

Too long? So Jimeoin Too long?

LAUGHTER

It's Jimeoin Schwarzenegger.

-Right, Dana, who do you think should be Northern Irish?

-Maureen O'Hara.

-Maureen O'Hara?

-Uh-huh.

-Was she an actress in the '50s?

She was, and the '60s and the '70s and '80s.

Very beautiful, she's a very strong woman, cos the women

of Northern Ireland are strong and they're good-looking.

-What was she in?

-She was in The Quiet Man with John Wayne.

-She does all her own stunts.

-She could take a punch.

-Oh, well, she could. And she could throw a punch.

-My sort of gal.

Andrew, who do you want to make Northern Irish?

-I would like to pick Artur Boruc.

-Who?

Southampton's Polish goalie

-because he sounds like he's from Northern Ireland.

-Really?

There's a clip of him on Match Of The Day a couple of weeks back

and I swear to God he doesn't accidentally...

He doesn't sound...

-STRONG IRISH ACCENT:

-He doesn't sound like a twangy accent,

it's not that, you know, gyrating.

We've got the clip, mate.

Just sounds like a dude from Dundonald.

What can I say just now, you know?

What happens happens and you bounce back as soon as possible.

I can promise that I'll take those two points back.

APPLAUSE

It's just a weird bit of somewhere in the middle of Poland

where everybody has just a gentle kind of suburban Belfast accent.

But didn't he used to be the goalkeeper for Celtic,

so maybe that's the Venn diagram of when Polish meets Glaswegian

and it becomes Northern Irish in the middle.

I used to work with a Polish guy who... He'd lived in Lurgan

so long he developed a Lurgan accent with a hint of Polish.

Like, he would talk to me and he would go,

"Micky, it's very nice to meet you and work with you.

"One day you will be on television and we will go for...

-STRONG IRISH ACCENT:

-"..lager pints!"

-Michael Smiley, over to you.

-Elvis.

I think Elvis is actually the patron saint of Northern Ireland,

you know what I mean?

When I was a kid growing up, older men, like my dad's age,

if you weren't bald,

you had the quiff, didn't you?

Everybody was trying to be a wee bit Elvis. They were obsessed with it.

And also, at the end of the day, most Northern Irishman at some time

have thought they were going to die on the toilet.

Not necessarily with a burger in their hands

but there's a terrible moment

where you go, "Oh, sweet Jesus!

"Oh, Elvis, I'm coming, move over."

Right, let's move on. Shane, your turn.

Who do you want to make Northern Irish?

Tiger Woods, but under the condition that we could switch

Rory McIlroy for him

because I'm from Holywood, and with McIlroy out of the scene,

I'd probably be favoured

to do Christmas light switch-on, 2014.

And also, Tiger Woods, his main passions are golf and women

and obviously we cater that way -

we've some of the best golf courses in the world and also some of...

and some of the best golf courses in...

I don't know about Tiger Woods, man, you know, Tiger Woods is all like,

"Oh, I'm addicted to sex."

Well done, Tiger, we're all addicted to sex.

It's just some of us aren't rich enough or good looking enough

to have sex with anyone we want.

-We have to stick with one person.

-It still hurts, huh?

Right, well, I'm going to award that round to Jimeoin's team.

APPLAUSE

Now it's time to play Town Challenge.

I'll lay down some facts about small towns in Northern Ireland

and the teams have to guess which town I'm talking about.

Jimeoin, here's your team's first fact about your mystery town.

Sting spent his summers in this town

when he was married to his first wife Frances Tomelty.

-Sting used to live there?

-He spent his summers there.

And then had to leave when they realised he was in The Police?

LAUGHTER

-Shane, do you know who Sting is? When were you born?

-1988.

-Oh, maybe.

-Summer of Love.

My parents got divorced when I was three months, so not really.

-Sorry about that, Shane.

-No problem.

-Happy days, eh?

-Happy days.

I'll give you your second clue.

From 1915 till 1917, the site was used to house

Zeppelin-style airships that would hunt submarines.

-That was a rare photo taken at the time.

-Do you know any of the people?

-No, give us another clue.

-All right.

This town is home to some colourful properties.

It's not Balamory, it is not Balamory.

Colourful houses, that's a seaside place, isn't it?

You don't get many U-boats inland.

-I like it.

-That's true.

-Colourful houses, Sting, airships.

-Rostrevor.

-You've just linked two names together, mate.

No, it's not Rostrevor. What about you guys?

-Is it Bangor?

-No, it's not.

The answer was Whitehead in County Antrim.

-He jumped in before we...

-Dana's not happy with that.

It's all right, look, if we both lose, it's called the Peace Process.

Andrew's team, here's your first clue.

Every June, this town hosts an international walking festival.

Oh, yeah, after trekking over fields and mountains,

the festival ends with the blister ball.

Do they walk like this?

-Any ideas?

-No.

Fact number two.

A Blue Lady haunts the countryside around this town.

Oh, a Blue Lady and just to confirm she's blue

because she has a filthy mouth.

No, not really, it's cos she's a ghost, or a Smurf,

or a ghost of a Smurf.

-Ghost and a wet hill.

-And the blister ball.

Let's not forget the blister ball cos I got that on holiday one time.

LAUGHTER

What sort of walking is it? Power walking?

-I guess it's festive walking.

-I do love power walking.

The first time I saw power walking, a woman doing it, I thought

"Oh, man, she's raging. Someone's going to get a right bollocking."

But what is it about anywhere in Ireland where Irish women

get to a certain age and then they have an overwhelming desire

to put on a fleece and walk against traffic after dinner?

You see it all over Ireland.

About seven or eight in the evening,

just thousands of Irish mammies in fleeces just walking...

Like some places in rural Ireland where there's no path or anything,

they're going up against articulated lorries

and this grim determination in the eyes.

"If I make it home alive, I can have a slice of cheesecake."

The final fact - this town is home to local landmarks

such as The Bloody Bridge, Widows Row,

-and Tropicana swimming pool and mini golf.

-I've got nothing.

It's somewhere like Mourne...

-Newcastle, Mourne direction.

-You're so close.

-Newcastle.

-Well done, it is Newcastle.

APPLAUSE

-It's true.

-We got it right.

So that round blatantly goes to Andrew's team.

APPLAUSE

This round is called Monumentally Missed.

I want each of you to tell me about something, a saying, a custom,

anything at all, that's now missing from modern Northern Ireland.

Dana, what do you want to bring back?

I want to bring back, it was a children's series actually,

and it's called Champion, The Wonder Horse.

Does anybody remember it? # Champion... #

Do you remember the...?

# Champion, the wonder horse... #

But it was about a horse,

he was like a bigger version of Lassie.

You know, he used to help people in difficult situations.

He was like a drier version of Flipper.

I actually have a very vivid memory

of watching Champion, The Wonder Horse.

This is an absolutely true story.

Do you remember when you used to fry chips

and eggs in just an ordinary pan that you put lard into?

It was before you had those fancy deep-fat fryers.

I was babysitting the two younger brothers and I was making them chips

and I went in to see who wanted fried egg

and I got engrossed in Champion, The Wonder Horse

and I'm standing watching it oblivious to the fact

that the smoke is wafting out the kitchen window

and we didn't hear the door, we didn't hear anything

and the neighbours had to break in the window

and put the fire out in the kitchen.

We're still watching # Champion, the wonder horse! #

Well, let's definitely bring that back just to give firemen more work.

-Yes.

-Andrew, what do you want to bring back?

-Dogs.

-Oh, yeah?

I want to bring back that the only scary dog that lunatics would have

would be a terrier, a Jack Russell. That's how it was back in the day,

the lunatic around your way would have a Jackie

and now it's all pit bulls and I cannot stand pit bulls.

They're not a dog. This is how a dog moves...

Yeah, that's... You get the idea? Yeah? This is how a pit bull moves.

Arrrgh! Arrrgh! Arrrgh!

Arrrgh! Arrrgh!

The back end is trying to have sex with the front end of it.

And that should be loose in the park with my children, yeah?

Eventually, the owner, when your kids are terrified,

eventually the owner comes up at you.

SHOUTING: "Don't you worry about him, he's lovely!

"He's lovely, he wouldn't hurt anybody!

"He's gentle, he's gentle, look!"

Arrrgh!

"He wouldn't hurt... He wouldn't hurt anybody!"

That's what I want to bring back.

When all they had was the terrier.

To me, that looked like one of Hitler's speeches, there.

HE SPUTTERS

OK, Jimeoin, what do you want to bring back?

Er... Hitting the kids.

LAUGHTER

I'm not talking punishment beatings here,

but, you know - just a wee clip round the ear from time to time.

My mum was always doing that, you know?

Don't really mean anything.

You know, she'd say she'd lost her head, and she hadn't really.

She'd go, "I can't take much more of this!"

And you're going, "Oh, yes, you can.

"You can take a lot more."

My dad was a builder and he used to hit us in building terms.

He'd go, "I'll get a 4 by 2, and I'll level you boys.

"But not this week. I'm kind of busy.

"Maybe Wednesday next week at the earliest."

OK, Shane, what do you want to bring back?

I'd be all in favour of bringing back Energy 106 discos.

They were basically these underage raves that happened in the Ice Bowl,

and me and my friends went to it when we were like 14,

and you'd spend about four quid on glow sticks beforehand.

And there were dealers there as well.

Like, I'll admit, I bought coke,

and you would get, like Monster Munch, you'd get...

It was a tuck shop, basically, and...

The reason I want to bring it back is because this thing used to happen,

which is known as Northern Ireland rave face,

which is when a man's raving in Northern Ireland,

he's really, like, feeling the tunes,

and his face contorts in such a way that is only seen on the dance floor.

I've glow sticks in my hand, for the purpose of this. So...

APPLAUSE

Just love the idea that people are getting nostalgic about rave.

You know what I mean?

I was there at the birth of it, man. You know what I mean?

Yous kids didn't know. See in years to come,

there's just going to be an old people's home called Dunravin'.

And just me and about 20 others standing around a sequencer

going, "No, no, no, no, no, no..."

Come on, girls.

HE IMITATES BASS

HE IMITATES SYNTH

And there'd be somebody's pacemaker...

HE IMITATES ELECTRICAL HUM

That's a great tune, keep it going, though.

Davy's dead.

Turn it up.

It's what he would have wanted.

Micky.

What do you want back?

I miss the days when Northern Irish adverts

didn't scare the living crap out of you.

There used to be a time when adverts over here were quite nice -

like, for Crazy Price it'd be like, "Hey, our prices are crazy!"

And then sort of early in the mid-'90s there was that...

# Cat's in the cradle and the... #

HE IMITATES GUNFIRE

It's got worse as the years have gone on.

I don't know if you've seen, like, the signs of a stroke -

-dangerous signs of a stroke. DANA:

-Oh, yeah, that's scary.

The first one is like you'll lose the feeling on one side of your face,

and you'll lose the power of your speech is the second one,

and according to this advert,

the third sign of a stroke is that your head catches fire.

If my head ever catches fire, please, don't assume I'm having a stroke.

Run the bath.

LAUGHTER

And the winner of that round is Andrew's team!

This round goes by the name of Mystery Monumental.

It's all about people who've achieved greatness

that you might not know about.

All our teams have to do is guess what amazing feat

these people have achieved.

So, please, welcome tonight's Mystery Monumental guest,

Patrick Huston!

APPLAUSE

Patrick is the world junior champion at something,

but can you guess what it is just by looking at him?

-Junior champion?

-Yeah.

So, it's not shaving or anything like that.

It's not ironing your shirt, either.

That's the wardrobe for you, you can't blame me.

-Is it a sport?

-Yes, it is.

-A sport. Does it involve a ball?

-It does not.

-It doesn't.

Our first clue is a headline

-....Shot.

-You're a shooter. Guns.

-Getting close.

-DANA:

-It's an Olympic sport?

-Yeah.

But it's something that you can shoot or throw...

When you throw it, do you go, "Light it, light it!"

All right, the second clue is a piece of equipment

which Patrick always uses in this event.

It's a mouse.

It's like a small rubber cat.

-A small rubber cat.

-Yeah. With a hole down the centre as well.

A rubber cat with a hole down the centre...

That'll never stand up in court.

I think I saw you at the end of the news, would that be right?

Olympic weather-watching?

-Archery?

-Yep. It is indeed.

Well done!

Patrick Huston has won two gold medals

in the world archery youth championships in 2013.

ANNOUNCER: Ten'll win the gold. Ten!

APPLAUSE

What's the little rabbit thing? What was that?

When you're shooting, the arrow sticks into the target

really, really hard, and that's a wee rubber grip thing,

it fits over the top and you pull the arrow out with it.

Now, because you guys lost, Jimeoin,

Patrick is going to shoot an apple...

off your head, Jimeoin.

Bring on the target!

Andrew, step up, mate.

You are going to have to fire an arrow,

just to show us how difficult it is.

We've got another bow and arrow for you.

Here you go, buddy.

LAUGHTER

That's all you, mate. That is all you.

-HIGH VOICE:

-You've got such a pretty bow!

You look like the scalliest Cupid ever.

Guys, come and stand over behind here.

I'll protect you.

Archers, when you're ready.

Aye!

Oh, no, that's a pirate.

DRUMROLL

HE WHIMPERS

Now, Patrick, show us how it's really done.

DRUMROLL

Good body position.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

Wow!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Monumental Patrick Huston!

Now it's almost time to announce the winners.

But first tonight we pay tribute

to Ireland's first-ever Eurovision Song Contest winner

an international pop sensation,

and the first lady of Stroke City, Dana!

You were christened as Rosemary Brown,

and here you are as a wee little Rosemary.

Ahh.

Never off the phone.

In 1970, you burst onto the scene

when you won the Eurovision Song Contest at the age of 19.

# City sights

# Neon lights

# Grey skies or blue

# All kinds of everything

# Remind me of you. #

-ANNOUNCER:

-A little girl from Bogside, still a schoolgirl.

Winner of the...

-Jesus...

-LAUGHTER

Who was that guy?!

That's Jackie Smith, and he was one of the writers.

-Oh, right.

-Right, Just as well.

-He was allowed to run out there.

And of course Derry Lindsay was the other one,

he didn't run out - but that was Jackie Smith.

Right on the mouth, though.

He wasn't kissing the cheek, it was right on the mouth.

Big headlock...

Can I pick other team-members?

More hits followed, like Tell Him I Said Hello

and Something's Cookin' In The Kitchen.

Here you are on Top Of The Pops in 1977

singing Put Some Words Together.

And check out who else was on the bill.

MUSIC: "Exodus" by Bob Marley And The Wailers

APPLAUSE

This week's 14, Bob Marley And The Wailers, and that's the Exodus.

Let's calm thing down rather nicely. Dana's back on Top Of The Pops.

She's going to Put Some Words Together.

# It's high time

# You put some words together

# Just for me

# If I hang on till you're ready

# I could wait forever

APPLAUSE

I just love the idea of Bob Marley's band going,

"See, Bob - that is the sound you need to go for.

"Talkin' about Ras and ting, get your hair cut,

"put on a nice dress or something."

Did you get to meet Bob Marley?

Well, we did, yeah.

It's a really big shock when you go into the Top Of The Pops studio,

it was so small.

Smoky.

No... No smoking.

-Was Bob nice?

-Yeah, he was nice. Everybody...

You're sitting in make-up, and you turn round and you go,

"Ooh, there's Bob."

Bob Marley in the make-up chair, just,

"Do something with my red eyes, yeah?"

By that stage, you were still very young,

but you had already been in the business for almost a decade.

What do you remember from those days?

Working.

It was work, work, work, seven days a week.

Television and concerts and cabaret and travel abroad.

It was just non-stop.

And I loved it, and you did a great variety of things

and I enjoyed it all.

Did you have like a dietician?

I heard One Direction have a dietician to make sure

they're eating the right foods and they don't get sick.

-Did you have one of those?

-Yeah, I did. My mum.

LAUGHTER

You moved to America, where you had a successful television career,

and you kept singing to big crowds,

like the 250,000 in Central Park, New York.

Even Pope John Paul II was there.

Was he singing along with you?

-Oh, absolutely.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Did you open for the Pope?

Of course.

-So he was on second.

-He was second in the bill.

That's a lot of heat to follow.

It would've been funny if you'd blanked him, just,

"Not now, I'm kind of busy."

You're going to get me into a lot of trouble.

-Sorry, sorry, Dana.

-Sorry, Dana.

LAUGHTER

We don't really do politics on this show,

but we have got awkward footage of you getting the bumps

after winning an election.

Oh!

Yes. What can you say?

What would they have done if you lost?

Oh...battered ye.

Battered ye.

No, that's traditional - you see that all over the world,

but it's really embarrassing

when you're trying to keep your skirt over your knees, you know?

Did you have your Spanx on that night?

Oh, absolutely!

Oh, you can't tell him anything. You know that.

You never forgot your roots, though,

and you returned to the Maiden City to perform

a concert as part of the launch of the City of Culture in 2013.

Wow.

Look who's in that photo.

Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol.

Jimmy Nesbitt.

Wow. The company you keep.

Popes, international rock stars and hobbits.

Dana, you've represented the country for more than four decades.

But we'll leave the last word to another Irish music industry legend,

Mr Louis Walsh.

Hi, Dana. Congratulations on getting Monumental status.

You absolutely deserve it,

because you're one of the few people I know

that's been in the entertainment/music business

as long as I have.

I remember, in the '70s when you won the Eurovision,

you were just a little schoolgirl,

but Dana, you always had the X factor, you always worked hard,

and you've earned every single thing.

So have a great night tonight. Bye-bye.

-That's nice, isn't it?

-Yes. APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, the lady, the legend,

the absolutely Monumental Dana.

Ahh. APPLAUSE

And the winning team is Andrew's team!

So, it's thanks to Andrew Maxwell, Micky Bartlett and Shane Todd.

Jimeoin, Michael Smiley and the Monumentally fantastic Dana!

I've been Jarred Christmas

and you lovely people of Northern Ireland have been truly Monumental.

Good night!

MUSIC: "Get Over You" by The Undertones

# And I don't wanna get over you

# It doesn't matter what you do

# I just can't get over you - over you

# And I don't wanna get over you

# It doesn't matter what you do... #