Episode 3 Monumental

On the show tonight, it's Andrew Maxwell,

Micky Bartlett

and the brilliant actress from the hit BBC drama The Fall,

Bronagh Waugh.

On the other team, Jimeoin,

Michael Smiley

and our monumental guest,

Northern Irish football legend Gerry Armstrong.

CHEERING

And here's your host, Jarred Christmas.

Hello and welcome to Monumental.

The show about Northern Ireland, hosted by a Kiwi.

My job is to be an independent observer on the show

and find out what is monumental about this place.

And I've been really looking forward to coming back to Belfast

because I love the Northern Irish names,

especially the Old Irish names for girls,

like Grainne, Aoife, Niamh,

but I keep hearing mums shouting in shopping centres things like

Kylie and Beyonce and once

I'm pretty sure I heard Chaka Khan.

I thought I had it bad on the name front

because my name is genuinely Jarred Christmas.

And Jarred is actually spelt "Jarred". Thanks, Mum and Dad.

You've basically called me Drunk Christmas.

Which apparently means I will fit in quite well over here.

And what I'm about to tell you now is completely true.

My family is riddled with ridiculous names.

My dad's name is Chris Christmas.

But if you want the tongue twister, it's Christopher Christmas.

And my auntie, who married into the family, is Carol Christmas,

so backwards it's Christmas Carol.

My mum's auntie is called Christine, but everyone calls her Chris

and she remarried a man called Bob Smith,

so she's now Chris Smith - which is Christmas with a lisp!

APPLAUSE

Gerry, you've played football all over the place. England, Spain.

What was your greeting like when you first went to Spain?

-It was the year after we'd beat them in the World Cup.

-Woo!

APPLAUSE

The reception in Majorca, who I played for, was good,

but when we went onto the mainland to play Valencia, which is where

I scored the goal, there was

two or three hundred fans waiting with bananas, apples, pears,

oranges. They threw every bit of fruit they could get at me

when I came out onto the...

Pineapples would hurt, wouldn't they?

I was glad they didn't use coconuts!

You know when they throw the pineapple

and they do that first of all...

Right, let's get on with the show.

This round is called Wish They Were One Of Us.

Each player suggests someone from anywhere in the world

they would like to adopt for Northern Ireland.

Bronagh, who would you make Northern Irish?

I'd like to make Christian Grey from 50 Shades Of Grey

Northern Irish. AUDIENCE: Woo!

I don't know if you know, but the guy who played

my husband in The Fall, Jamie Dornan,

he's playing Christian Grey in 50 Shades Of Grey.

And I imagine is doing an American accent,

but I think it would be funny if he did it Northern Irish.

Like, "Horse it in, Anastasia, see you?

"Do you know what I'm going to do to you, wee doll?"

Also, everything we say sounds a bit aggressive as well,

like Northern Irish accents do sound a bit aggressive

so in 50 Shades Of Grey there is handcuffs

and silver, jiggly balls and blindfolds and stuff,

and I think if someone who was Northern Irish went,

"I'm going to blindfold you

"and handcuff you to bed," you would absolutely shite yourself!

Bronagh, have you actually read the books?

I read up to page 33 and then I started blushing!

I can't wait for the pop-up version.

BRONAGH: Have you read any?

My wife bought the three books six months ago and they are

sitting on her bedside cabinet, and she hasn't read them yet.

That is because you, my friend, are a love machine.

-She doesn't need any of that!

-I think you're right.

-Jimeoin. Who do you want to nominate?

-Superman. It'd be great

if Superman was from Northern Ireland

but he just had shit teeth.

But nobody knew him as Superman,

they just knew him as just a handy boy.

Do you know Clark? Oh, tight wee man.

Oh, he's a tight wee man.

I don't understand why they all have American accents.

I would like to see more Northern Irish accents in superhero movies.

I'd love to see Robin going, "Holy Jesus, Batman!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'd love to hear that!

The getaway car's a tractor!

A guy in our home town, he went to America

and when he came back, his brother had picked up an American accent.

I'm telling you!

Andrew, who do you fancy?

Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street!

Just to show Edwin Poots

that two creatures who are clearly the same gender

can sleep in the same bed together and the world won't end.

APPLAUSE

Know what I mean?

I was on a bus in London

and there were two really drunk kids in hoodies sitting in front of me

having just a beautiful drunken conversation.

One of them turned around to the other one and went, "Here,

"do you know Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street are gay?"

And the other one turned around and went, "How can they be gay?

"One of them's an orange and the other one's a banana."

Did anybody else notice that? I had no idea.

Literally until you just said, now I'm like...

Really?!

Gerry, who would you grant honorary Northern Ireland status to?

-Lionel Messi.

-Really?

Northern Irish status, because I have a plan.

It's a good plan, I think everyone will agree with it.

I think if we can bring Messi over here,

get him to meet some of the girls, impregnate some of the girls,

we can qualify for the World Cup in 20 years' time.

Think of all the little Messis!

APPLAUSE

Mind you, to be fair, it didn't work for George Best, though, did it?

APPLAUSE

And what about you, Micky?

I would like to have Miley Cyrus be from Northern Ireland.

If Miley Cyrus was Northern Irish, right, a lot of the world's

problems would be solved because all this carry on, right,

that would've been called what it is, not a talent - an affliction.

People would've been going, "Look, Miley's not well, look at her."

Didn't she get a tattoo on her bum?

Which means she doesn't have a tramp stamp any more,

she's actually advanced to a troll hole.

That's what that'll be called.

I also think that if Miley Cyrus was from Northern Ireland,

she would have a craze that wouldn't be called twerking.

It'd be called "Twining on".

What's twerking?

It's booty-shaking.

Michael, I think we should show him.

It's a wee bit like that there.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

BRONAGH: Bit of that!

Get on the end of this, missus, huh?

APPLAUSE

I'm as hot as Louisiana asphalt!

I'm going to award that round to...

Jimeoin's team!

APPLAUSE

Next up is a round called Town Challenge.

I'm going to give our team facts about a monumental

Northern Irish town and the teams have to guess the name.

Jimeoin's team, you're up first.

Here's your first fact about your town.

A creamery named after the town produces no less than 22

varieties of cheese.

Ooh. Can you narrow it down a bit?

-Spelga.

-Golden Cow.

Augnacrackerbarrel?

It doesn't matter what knife you use for cutting cheese.

It always goes through the cheese at the same speed.

You get the smallest knife,

you put the least amount of pressure on,

it goes through the cheese, does that.

We get that... You could drop a machete on a block of cheese,

As soon as it hits, it goes...

Guillotine.

Great way of getting out of a guillotine,

just hide a block of cheese.

-I've got a couple of cheese jokes that my dad told me.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yes.

Strap in, everybody.

How do you entice a grizzly out of the woods with cheese?

Cam-em-bert. Cam-em-bert.

Camembert!

What's the richest cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.

Paris Stilton...

How do you disguise a horse? Mascarpone.

Gerry's a punch line repeater!

"Camembert..."

-He repeated every punch line!

-Here's one. You'll love this one.

This one is specifically for you, Gerry.

Did you hear about the French cheese factory that blew up?

All that was left was de brie.

De brie!

Oh, look out!

APPLAUSE

Right, here's your second fact, guys.

A New Zealand indie rock band shares its name with this town.

Presumably they considered Drumahoe,

but maybe that's a bit offensive for the drummer.

Tramore, do they make cheese there? Tramore?

Tramore! "Everybody, we're Tramore! Rock it!"

"Please welcome on stage Ballysally!"

Third clue - confusingly,

this town is actually six miles from the nearest town.

Six Mile Town.

That's not a band. "We're Six Mile Town!"

-Fivemiletown.

-Is it? Hasn't it got bigger?

-Fivemiletown, they make cheese there...

-Do they?!

-What's your final answer?

-Fivemiletown.

-Fivemiletown it is.

Well done, Gerry!

APPLAUSE

Apparently Old Irish miles are longer than new Irish miles.

Despite being called Fivemiletown, it is actually

6.2 miles from its nearest neighbour, Brookeborough.

That's according to Google Maps.

According to Apple Maps, it's somewhere in Belgium.

Andrew's team. Here's your first clue.

In the world of Harry Potter,

this town has its own quidditch team called The Bats.

-Banbridge.

-Bats.

-The Banbridge Bats.

The Bangor Bats.

-The Bangor Bats. The Ballymena Bats.

-It's not that.

-OK!

Good try, though. Are you ready for the second fact, team?

This town is home to the Vanishing Lake,

a lake that can disappear before your very eyes.

Somewhere that gets damp in Northern Ireland...

-We've got it down to six counties.

-It is near the border?

Cos if it's near the border, maybe the reason it's vanishing

is that it's just going across the border.

So we're like water laundering.

-It's nowhere near the border.

-It's on the coast.

It's probably just the tide going out, isn't it?

It's just the tide going out.

Let's put you guys out of your misery.

A social event in the town was made famous by this song.

# But the scene that haunts my memory is kissing Mary Ann

# Her pouting lips all sticky from eating Yellow Man... #

We should twerk to this!

I know where it is because it's near me, it's Ballycastle.

Well done, Bronagh. Well done. The answer was...

# ..at the ould Lammas Fair in Ballycastle-O!

-Woo!

-Woo!

-APPLAUSE

Ballycastle in County Antrim. Well done.

That round goes to Jimeoin's team!

APPLAUSE

Two! Two!

In this round, I want our teams to tell us

about something that has disappeared from life in Northern Ireland.

Anything that reminds you of the good old times that you'd like

to bring back. Jimeoin, let's start with you.

-What do you miss most of all?

-I miss wrong numbers.

Remember you used to get a wrong number? They don't come up any more.

Like, you'd phone looking for your friend,

you'd get this random person, you'd be going, "Is Brian there?"

And they'd be really concerned, going, "No...

"There's no Brian here..." They were really worried!

You sort of got them on a technicality

because they probably never thought of checking for a Brian.

That's what's going through their head.

"Hang on, is there a Brian here?"

Some guy comes up behind the sofa, going...

There's lots of things you can't get away with now, because everyone has

mobiles and stuff, so you can't get away with excuses - "I'm not in."

Once when someone phoned our house, my mum went,

"If that's for me, I'm in the bath."

And my dad went, "Yeah, so am I." And I went...

"Hello? No, she's in the bath.

"He's in the bath too!"

The big one now on the landline is getting cold-called

from accident lawyer companies, ambulance chasers.

And they'll always start off, "Hey,

"our records state that you've had an accident."

And if you reply in any other way than this,

you're on their database, you will get hounded for weeks on end.

This is what I've learned from experience.

This is what you've got to do.

When they start off,

"Our record states that you got injured in an accident,"

Your opening line has to be...

"Oh, it was no accident."

Case closed.

Or if they ring up about a claim, you go, "Sh!

"I'm actually a burglar doing their house as we speak.

"So watch out, in a couple of weeks' time

"they're going to be putting in a claim for a TV, a DVD player.

"I'm taking the lot. See ya!"

Andrew, what do you want back?

I want to bring back a time when we used to watch holiday programmes,

so we could see what a holiday looked like.

That was it. That was it. That's what we used to do.

We'd watch Holiday whatever year it was,

or Wish You Were Here with...

Judith Chalmers, Gloria Hunniford.

Gloria Hunniford was in that.

And you'd just watch a foreign holiday and you'd be like, "Wow!

"Camping in France!

"How the billionaires live!"

My childhood was going to places like Mosney,

which is like a holding centre in southern Ireland.

And we used to go down there

and just sort of wander around in a headwind for two weeks.

Do you know where my parents went on their honeymoon? Lough Derg.

Sexy!

They're not even Catholics.

-All right, Gerry, what do you want to bring back?

-Street games.

I think street games are something that the kids really miss out on

now, big-time.

Too many computers, too much television

and you had to keep yourself amused when I was growing up.

Petrol bombing.

Putting windows in! Happy days. Happy days.

No, some of the games we played were actually quite fun.

The one I loved, though, was, you know,

you knocked the door with a thread - you hide in the garden

across the road and you put the thread and then you knock the door

and then you'd loosen the thread

and the people would open the door, look out, there's nobody there,

they'd close it, then you'd wait a few seconds and knock it again.

-And they'd come out.

-What about...

What about getting the dog's turd and putting it in paper and lighting

the dog's turd, knocking the door, the person comes out and goes...

HE STAMPS

-I didn't do that one.

-You did that!

-I did that, aye.

Bronagh, what are you pining for?

I think it's dying out in Northern Ireland, but also certainly from

living over in England, it doesn't exist at all

and it's buying a round of drinks.

Like, when I first started in Hollyoaks I'd go down the pub

with the cast and the crew and I'd be like,

"What are yous drinking?"

And there'd be like 15, 16, 17 people going,

"I'll have a pint of Carlsberg, I'll have a pint of Stella,"

and so you're getting them all in and then you'd sit and drink yours

quite quickly and then go, "Well, I've just bought 16 drinks.

"Is anyone going to buy me one back?" and no-one buys you one back!

Whenever you were buying a round of drinks for everyone in Hollyoaks,

then it came to your turn and no-one bought you a drink back,

did you really slowly look at the camera and go...

HE HUMS HOLLYOAKS THEME

Any time any new Northern Irish actors would come into Hollyoaks,

they'd go, "Is there any advice you'd give us for living in England

"and working on Hollyoaks?" I'd say, "Yes. Two pieces of advice.

"The first one is, don't buy rounds because you never get them back.

"And the second piece of advice is, don't say the craic is 90

"because everyone will think you have a drug problem."

And they'll think that's how much your drugs cost, so just leave it.

Leave craic out of it.

OK, Michael, what do you want to bring back?

Winking. I said winking.

Oh, phew!

We used to do a lot of winking when I was a kid, growing up.

You know? It had different meanings.

There'd be, "All right, how you doing?" which is like,

"Things are good, not too bad."

And there was like, "All right?" Which was...

"I know what you're up to, big lad. I'm in front of you."

But for the girl, "All right, girl?" So the winking and the head movement

at the same time as if to say, "I'm cheeky, but I'm fun in bed, too.

"You're going to laugh all the way to your organism, so you are."

You know when somebody is giving you a bit of advice,

a little tip, and you give them a - "I know you're giving me a tip,"

so you give them the tongue-out wink. "Oh..."

"Oh, oh, oh..."

You've got to be careful with that wink

because it can easily turn into a nap. "Oh, yeah..."

I had to work...

I had to work on that wink, to be honest.

Like a double-take.

-I can't do a double-take.

-No!

You can't do that.

-ANDREW:

-It's an affliction. A lot of people can't wink.

-You have to teach your kids how to wink.

-They always start off blinking.

It's very cute.

What I do with mine is I put a patch on one of their eyes.

I just get them to get used to it all the time, pretend

they're pirates for a while.

Pretend they're pirates and then gaffer tape the other one down

and then take that one off.

The amount of fun that we have coming up to Christmas.

They really appreciate their presents.

I'm going to award that round to...

Andrew's team!

APPLAUSE

We call this round Mystery Monumental.

It's all about celebrating a great achievement by someone

from Northern Ireland that you probably haven't heard of.

Please welcome tonight's Mystery Monumental guest, Dineka Maguire.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "You're The Best Around" by Joe Esposito

All right, everybody, you are in the presence of a world champion.

But what is Dineka a world champion in?

-JIMEOIN:

-Wrestler.

Is it sports?

-Yes.

-Is it a team sport?

No, individual.

Just you on your own? Speed chase.

Do you have to be strong to do it?

-You have to be quite strong.

-I'll give you your first clue.

This event is all about speed. But you can't see where you're going.

Blind monkey juggling!

-Is it blind cycling?

-No.

why don't you hit them up with the second clue?

Sometimes when I train, I wear pyjamas.

-Onesie luge.

-No.

Diving to get the brick at the bottom of the swimming pool?

-Erm, I do do that when I train.

-Oh!

Underwater bricklayer!

OK, there's one more clue. It's a headline in the newspaper.

Bog swimming!

-Nearly.

-Bog...

-Shock swimming.

-Bog trotting.

-No.

-Bog jumping.

-Bog brushing.

-No.

You need a piece of equipment.

-Bog snorkelling!

-Bog snorkelling!

-Micky got it.

-Yes!

Well done, Micky.

APPLAUSE

Dineka is the four times world bog snorkelling champion

and the fastest person ever in the sport.

BRONAGH: Woo!

APPLAUSE

How did you get into it? Did you fall over pissed one night or something?

No. Mum works in a school that I used to go to

and one of her colleagues mentioned it.

And she's like, "I'm sure Dineka will try that." And I had a go.

God, I love your ma.

"Bog snorkelling? Our Dineka will try that!"

Have you had any injuries? Is it a dangerous sport?

I haven't had any injuries but the first time that I did do it,

there was a person got hypothermia and she spent the night in hospital.

-She didn't wear her pyjamas?

-No, she didn't!

Do you do yoga in case you have to get round the S-bend or anything?

Don't do any yoga.

OK, guys, give it up big-time for the world bog snorkelling

champion, Dineka Maguire!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, we are near the end of the show.

Although it's further away if you're watching in Fivemiletown.

But first it's time to pay tribute to this show's monumental guest.

Tonight, we bestow monumental status on one of Northern Ireland

football's best strikers.

The top scorer from the Home Nations in the 1982 World Cup.

Ladies and gentlemen, the legend of the Falls, Gerry Armstrong.

APPLAUSE

OK, G-Dogg, in 1975 you were playing

in the Irish League for Bangor.

And then the top English teams came looking for you.

Spurs first, but in 1981 Elton John, the chairman of Watford,

said, "Don't go breaking my heart, Gerry," and you joined their attack.

Here's a photo of you at the time.

-WOLF WHISTLES

-Wow.

Did you show Elton John your skills or did you just show him that photo?

I don't know if he signed me on the strength of that photo,

but that was in the '82 World Cup.

-That was, I think, taken outside our hotel.

-It's a nice photo, mate.

And then came the moment that pretty much every Northern Irish person

knows, along with every Spaniard.

The moment you blasted your name into the history books.

COMMENTATOR: Gerry Armstrong, what a worker he is...

Go on, Gerry. Hope he scores.

Oh, nice touch.

COMMENTATOR: ..still Billy Hamilton, he's got past Tendillo...

Boom!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Northern Ireland have scored through Gerry Armstrong.

Well done, mate.

I remember, the guy that tried to kick me on the halfway line,

the Spanish guy, was Xabi Alonso's father, Periko.

He tried to kick me to stop me

and I pushed the ball to Billy Hamilton.

It was a brilliant cross in from Billy,

which took me by surprise and obviously the goalkeeper, Arconada,

and then he palmed it into my path and I duly obliged

and put it in the back of the net - that was what I was there to do.

I heard something about a drug test that turned into a bit of a session.

That was funny.

I was brought off the pitch at the end of the Spanish game,

we had beaten them 1-0.

And as I went down to celebrate, two guys stepped forward and said,

"You're being brought in for a drug test," and they took me and

another player, Sammy Nelson, and the doctor came over.

He didn't speak much English.

And he said, you know, "Pee-pee," and he gave us a plastic cup.

And Sammy was a bit of a comedian

and basically he pulled his shorts down and he put his backside up

like that, went like that, and the doctor said, "No caca! Pee-pee!"

So after the World Cup, you had a great homecoming at Watford

and an even better one in Belfast.

This is the open-top bus that took us through the city centre.

We went to the City Hall. Fantastic.

There was hundreds of thousands of fans turned up

in the streets of Belfast.

We don't get opportunities like that too often to qualify

and do well in the World Cup final, so I was fortunate enough that

I managed it twice in 1982 and '86, so very happy days. Happy times.

It just looked like a flag parade, didn't it?

The cameraman looked like the POV behind one of those police shields.

Just pushing him back towards the City Hall.

Meanwhile, Gerry's behind him with a scary moustache, waving at him.

You were the Northern Ireland assistant manager twice under

Brian Hamilton and, of course, Laurie Sanchez

when Northern Ireland beat England 1-0 in that famous World Cup

qualifier at Windsor Park in 2005.

COMMENTATOR: And Healy seems to be moving sprightly enough.

Here is Davis.

It's a good ball. The flag stays down. Healy!

Oh! What a moment for Northern Ireland!

What a moment for Windsor Park!

APPLAUSE

That was a very special occasion for us,

and to beat them with the players they had on the park, Wayne Rooney,

Michael Owen, Steven Gerrard, David Beckham.

They had a fabulous... Frank Lampard. Fabulous team they had out.

Long may the memories be in everybody's minds of that

but I'd love to see a Northern Ireland team

qualify for a World Cup finals once again.

Woo!

It'll happen, mate. If New Zealand can do it, you guys can.

But even though we don't see you on the pitch any more,

you're still a "playa" when it comes to good old-fashioned romance.

Here's you popping the question of marriage to your lovely wife, Debby.

Oh, very good. She will love this.

I'm going to announce I'm getting married in the summer, in July.

CHEERING

BRONAGH: Aw!

Well done, mate.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's done like a typically Northern Irish man - you proposed

in a tracksuit, you didn't even ask her - you just told her.

And we couldn't let the sun go down on you without a word

from a very special colleague of yours,

The Rocket Man himself, ladies and gentlemen, Sir El...

Lawrie Sanchez!

Hi, Gerry. Congratulations on receiving monumental status.

A title you've held unofficially since that night in Spain in '82.

I need to tell a story when you were my assistant for Northern Ireland.

Remember the night of the England game?

I'm looking round the dressing room for you before the game

and where are you? You're on the pitch, getting engaged to Debby.

Anyway, we both won that night. Have a great night.

And enjoy your new status.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, the man, the legend, Gerry Armstrong.

You are monumental.

APPLAUSE

So, that's about it for tonight but before we go,

the scores are in, and tonight's winners are...

Jimeoin's team!

CHEERING

So, it's thanks to Andrew Maxwell, Micky Bartlett and Bronagh Waugh,

Jimeoin, Michael Smiley and the monumental Gerry Armstrong.

I've been Jarred Christmas, and you lovely people

of Northern Ireland have been truly monumental.

Good night.

CHEERING