Episode 4 Monumental

On tonight's show - Jimeoin, Michael Smiley,

and a posh Radio Four lady,

and voice of this voice-over, Kathy Clugston.

On the other team, Andrew Maxwell, Mickey Bartlett,

and our Monumental guest, the wee man from Strabane, it's Hugo Duncan.

And here's our host, Jarred Christmas.

Hello and welcome to Monumental, the show about the Northern Ireland,

hosted by a Kiwi.

And it's my job to be an independent observer on this show

and find out what is monumental about this place?

What I love about Northern Ireland is you have

your own way of speaking. Not just the accent, but sayings.

When I arrived, the taxi driver who was waiting for me had my name

on a piece of card and he confused me by saying, "Is that you, is it?"

Well, who else would I be, but me?

It's almost an existential question, "Is that you?"

I take that to mean, "At this point in your life,

"the persona you present to the world, is that you?

"Or are you not happy with yourself?"

So, is that you, could be replied with,

"No, no, it's all just a front.

"I've got this happy-go-lucky persona

"just to keep people at a distance.

"I get along with them, but I never really let people in.

"I think it's because I moved around so much as a kid.

"My dad was in the Army, and I'd make a best friend,

"but then we'd just have to move on. It was just less painful

"not to have best friends. I ended up not having anyone to confide in.

"Inside, I'm really lonely."

So, you asked me, "Is that you?" No, no, it's not me.

It's not even a fraction of me. But thank you for asking.

And you know what he said?

"Is that you?" Because "Is that you?"

can also mean "Are you finished?"

Which explains the weird bedroom encounter

I had a few years back over here. She said, "Is that you?"

I said, "I think so,

"otherwise someone else has just disappointed you."

Hugo? Have you got a phrase from Strabane?

If I look over here at Kathy, I'd say, "She's sitting fornenst me."

Kathy, can you decipher that for us? In Radio Four language?

Yes, it would be "Madame, you are sitting opposite me."

AUDIENCE OOHS

-Well done.

-Flies high, flies high.

-What was that one?

Oh, well, jolly good.

This round is called Wish They Were One Of Us.

Each player has to suggest someone from anywhere else in the world

that they think is worthy of the Northern Irish status.

Jimeoin, who would you nominate?

Edward Snowden, the whistle-blower.

For obvious reasons, he just couldn't keep his mouth shut,

loves a bit of gossip,

and he had to get out of the country when he was in trouble.

Good gossip, you need all the details and, at the end of it,

you still don't believe it.

Who? Where? When?!

No.

-Andrew, what about you, mate?

-Kim Kardashian.

She wants to be brown, but she's ended up looking very orange.

She comes from a very big dysfunctional family.

She got pregnant by a passing rapper.

And she christened her baby the North.

She's in.

And the rapper of course is Kanye West.

Yes, he was also from Strabane.

-Who you blame for everything.

-Yeah, and rightly so.

What about you, Michael Smiley?

-Who do you want to make Northern Irish?

-Captain Kirk...

..off Star Trek Enterprise.

The original, as well, William Shatner.

Because they would just change it here to Billy.

Cos William's just far too middle-class over here,

so it would change to Billy, but then he would sign his full name,

he would sign just some weird sex.

I saw great graffiti on the wall, "Don't be me up now, Scotty,

"I'm having an S-H-I..."

and then the T just went up.

-Hugo, your nomination, please.

-Tom Jones.

-Wow.

-The Green, Green Grass Of Home.

-Just purely because of the song?

Because of the song and the talent and just the man.

He puts me in mind...

Every time I look at him on TV, it puts me in mind of myself.

-You need your TV fixed.

-That raw, pulsating sexuality?

-Yes.

-That's it!

I don't think "Why, why, why, Fidelma?"

has the same sort of ring to it, though.

# What's new, pussycat? Whoa-oa-oa. #

Hugo wouldn't sing it like that he'd be,

# What's the craic, pussycat? Yo-do-lo-do-lo.... #

-Kathy, your go.

-Mary Berry from the Great British Bake Off.

Yes. She has that look about, doesn't she?

She'd fit in quite well with the North Down set, I think,

in her wee satin bomber jacket.

And a wee blonde bob.

I think she'd fit very well in Helen's Bay area.

Hey, hey, hey.

You'll never see Mary Berry around my area.

But she'd give you a look, wouldn't she?

If your bottom was soggy, heaven forbid, you'd get a look.

If your what?

Soggy bottom, that's the big crime on British Bake ff.

Round our way, if your chip pan wasn't bubbling, you'd be in trouble.

Exactly. Well, she would give you a look

and I think she would fit in very well here.

She's very much Helen's Bay.

You won't know this about Belfast and Northern Ireland.

Because you're from all the way in New Zealand.

But there's a lot of very nice people here,

it's not all scumbags, you know.

All the way through the Troubles,

while half the people were blowing up the city centre,

the other half were sailing in the bay.

Mickey, who are you picking?

I want Spider-Man...

..to be Northern Irish.

I wanted him to be Northern Irish, then I thought about it

and I realised it wouldn't really work, because he's got the disguise.

We live in a country where people are trained to see through balaclavas.

So he would go into a post office and go,

"Ah, Jesus, Peter, how's your mummy?"

LAUGHTER

Well, I am going to award that round to...Andrew's team!

APPLAUSE

Now it is time to play town challenge.

We are going to give some clues about a Northern Irish town

and our teams are going to guess which town we're talking about.

OK, Jimeoin, your team is up first.

Despite having a population of only 500,

the Queen has visited this town twice.

Does that help narrow it down? It is a town with a marquee.

It must be awful when you're a queen and you've accidentally farted.

LAUGHTER

-"Oh, this is awkward."

-She would find it hard to break wind

cos everyone would be trying to be around her all the time.

"I am just going to go over here for a moment." "I'll come with you."

-"No, no, I will be OK."

-Here is your second clue.

Local celebrity, Orange Peggy,

was buried in this town in 1891 at the age of 108 years old.

-Orange Peggy, 500, the Queen has been there loads of times.

-Twice.

It's not the Ardoyne, that's for sure.

-Where would the Queen go to twice?

-Is it somewhere like Hillsborough?

-Yes, that would be good.

-Hillsborough.

I will give you the final clue.

This town's name has nothing to do with ducks and actually means

"Ford mouth of the curses."

-Ducks, bills... Erm, mallard.

-Mallard.

-Ballinamallard.

-Ballinamallard, I say.

-Is that your final answer?

-That is my final...

-Do you agree?

-I agree with you.

-Final answer, Ballinamallard.

Well done, Kathy.

APPLAUSE

During the news back in the day they used to mispronounce

Ballinamallard as Ball-enna-mall-ard.

-Making it a whole lot posher and nicer sounding.

-Beautiful spot. Yes.

-All right, guys, I will go, I'll go!

-We'll take you.

You will be in the boot of our car but we'll take you.

I will only go in the car if Kathy is doing the sat nav.

-Voice, doing the sat nav voice.

-I am not coming with you the whole way.

-Do you do the sat nav voice?

-I am one of them, yes.

-Really?

-Yes.

-You don't do the post office, do you?

-No.

-The post office girl is my favourite.

-"Cashier number three..."

Yes, "Cashier number four, please." She's brilliant.

She is brilliant.

You get off the train and listen to Kathy and go,

"I can't wait to get to Finaghy." And then you get off

and go into the post office and it is, "Cashier number four, please."

It is like you are being robbed by the post office.

Andrew's team, your town now. Here's your first clue.

Legend has it that this town's castle was

protected by a faithful wolfhound.

OK, we accept this.

It'll be something to do with Setanta.

I am just going to throw a second fact at you.

According to this sign, the town has at least three leisure facilities.

Jet skiing, a nature reserve and a torpedo platform. Any idea, guys?

I always thought a torpedo platform was just called a submarine.

-Do you want your final clue?

-Yes.

The town's leisure centre has hosted heavy metal legends

Megadeth, Danzig, Dio and Metallica.

-Hugo, have you played with Metallica?

-Three times.

Yeah?

LAUGHTER

They believed you! You said it with so much confidence.

Who is Metallica?

-You know Metallica.

-I...

# Exit life

# Enter night

# Take my hand

We're off to Never Never Land Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. #

-Nothing?

-Not a chance.

-It is somewhere on the coast.

-It has a castle.

-Have a guess.

-Antrim town?

-It's not on the coast, though, is it?

-Good point.

-Ballycastle is on the coast.

-We want to say Ballycastle.

-Ballycastle. No.

The answer is Antrim.

CROWD GROANS

-How can that be?

-It was a lake.

-Damn you, lake!

-Damn freshwater mini sea.

-Is Antrim in County Antrim?

It is, isn't it?

-Kathy, can you give us directions in your best sat nav voice?

-To Antrim?

-Yes.

-In 50 miles, turn around.

LAUGHTER

Lock your doors and keep going.

The winner of that round is Jimeoin's team.

APPLAUSE

For this round,

I want you to think back to a Northern Ireland of days gone by.

I want each of you to nominate something, anything at all,

that is now missing from modern Northern Ireland.

OK, Hugo, what are you going to nominate?

I miss the key being left in the front door

and people able to walk in and out of people's homes.

-Not just be sitting around?

-You could even go and put on the kettle.

-Really?

-Just go in and someone says, "Och, it's yourself."

Yes, it is my house, mate!

Do any of you guys remember keys being left in the door?

-He's winding you up.

-I'm not!

-We never had doors growing up.

LAUGHTER

There was a woman used to come round to our house

and she'd come into the front room and have a cup of tea with me

mam, stay 5 minutes and then say, "I have got to go now." She would

leave and then talk to my mother for about two hours at the doorway.

You can get away from somebody at the doorway if it gets...

Do you ever go to the toilet just to get away from people?

I often carry two drinks just to get away from people.

When I go to the toilet, I always use the cubicle

because if you walk in, somebody will know you,

and he's standing there going, "Och, Hugo, how you doing?"

So now I always going into the cubicle all the time. It's safer.

Cleaner.

And the doors are open. "Oh, it's yourself."

LAUGHTER

-Jimeoin, what would you like to bring back?

-Bad DIY.

You know, just like the hot tap would be the cold tap.

My wife came over and she's from Australia and she goes, "I can't get

"the toilet to flush."

She thought you just did it once but you have to...

She'd never... We'd a dodgy tap that made that noise.

Ee-haa!

Ee-haa!

That is cold water going through the tap.

Warm water has a different noise

and then subsequently you can hear the approach of the warm water.

Ah-huuuh!

Andrew, what do you want to bring back?

I would like to bring back when foreigners seemed exotic.

Up until about 15 years ago there was nobody else in Ireland.

There was only us.

We knew eventually some foreigners would show up.

We had all the necessary hatred in our hearts. So we...

So what we did was we basically split ourselves into two teams

and just practised for the last 400 years.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Kathy, you're up next.

-I would like to bring back home bakeries.

I don't know where they've all gone.

A friend of mine who lives in London, who's from Northern Ireland

but doesn't often come back.

She said to me one time when I was coming over here,

would I bring her back some Paris buns.

I searched high and low,

had to ring round bakeries trying to find a Paris bun. Times have changed.

-Bring back the bakeries.

-What is a Paris bun?

-Beautiful.

-Oh, they're lovely, aren't they?

-Beautiful.

-You can't just say beautiful.

-It's like...

I have been to Paris and that is beautiful.

But you haven't seen the bun!

Sort of plain but nice. Nice with a cup of tea.

I am listening to you and because it is Radio 4,

I have a face that I do for Radio 4 which is...

-The radio's on in the background.

-Your intelligent face.

-I think it is!

Micky, what do you want to bring back?

Running around playgrounds.

As a kid, not a grown-up!

I won't just turn up, "Come on, kids!"

Do you remember we used to play like British Bulldogs?

If you don't know what that is, basically,

one team stands on this side, one team stands on this side.

You run in the middle and beat the living crap out of each other.

And then obviously someone started putting claims in for their kids

because wee Johnny lost a tooth and he was six,

he was going to lose it anyway, so I don't know why they're claiming,

and then you weren't allowed to run. It got really confusing for grown-ups

because you know your parents used to say, "Go outside with the traffic?"

Or, "Go on outside and like run around a field," or something?

Once those things stopped happening, like my ma once said,

"Go on outside and play with yourself."

-And you did!

-The letters of complaint we got...

Do you remember when a dog would get into a playground?

Oh, the excitement.

Just squealing with delight. "It's a dog!"

The dog is chasing you and you're chasing the dog. Oh...

Do you get excited when you see a fox?

I do get excited when I see a fox, every single time.

I was in the car on my own. I went, "Fox!"

I was breathing and everything.

Michael Smiley, what's your pick?

Smoking. Proper old school smoking in secret when I was a kid.

You smoke like that, or smoke like that in case anybody

was coming so you could put your hand in your pocket.

-Could you do the rings?

-It was that.

You moved your head backwards and forwards like a demented chicken.

And it would force it down. If you got a big one, you'd go...

You popped that out and you could fire the wee ones through it.

A mate of mine couldn't read, couldn't write,

could play keepy-uppy all afternoon

and could do, with one draw of a Number Ten, the Olympic rings.

-One up, one down, one up, one down.

-Oh, wow.

I'm going to award that round to Jimeoin's team.

APPLAUSE

Northern Ireland is full of unsung heroes,

people doing amazing things that we never hear about.

But can our teams work out what they've done?

Please welcome tonight 's mystery Monumental guest, Shane McKeever.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Shane is a current world champion.

But can you guess what he is the champion of?

Is it a sporting activity?

Yeah, I would consider it a sporting activity.

I don't care whether you consider it, would other people?

-Yeah, sporting activity.

-Does it happen indoors?

-Yes.

Your first clue is a newspaper headline, and here it is.

-Oh, Taiwan. That gives it away.

-Hugo.

What do you call that wee thing that you pop up into the cup?

What do you call that game?

-Tiddlywinks.

-Tiddlywinks!

No, no.

-Is it a martial art?

-No, it's not.

-Does it have a bat?

-No.

-Do you fire ping-pong balls?

-No!

Sorry, that's Thailand.

Oh, right, OK.

Give us another clue.

It can be done in a group but I do it alone.

Is it one man synchronised swimming?

No, unfortunately it's not.

Here's your final clue, guys.

In Shane's event, as long as the boots and hat are on, anything goes.

-Line dancing!

-What?

-Line dancing.

-Yep.

-Yes!

Shane McKeever is currently the world champion line dancer.

How did you get into line dancing?

When I was three, my dad and my uncles used to do it,

back when it was really big, back at the start of the '90s,

and they took me along to a competition

and I started dancing and they just kept bringing me back.

-Do you like country music?

-Yeah, I love country music. Absolutely.

How do you feel about what's happened to Miley Cyrus?

It's what country does to some people.

Jimeoin, Michael, cos you guys lost, come over and get your hats.

Here you go, mate. That's yours.

Jimeoin...

here's yours.

And it is time...

It is time to get your line dance on.

This is the scene that was cut from Brokeback Mountain.

OK, Shane, you show us how it's done.

Guys, you watch carefully, cos you're up next.

MUSIC: "Rock Around The Clock" by Bill Haley

MUSIC: "Play Hard" by David Guetta ft. Ne-Yo and Akon

We've got to follow that?

You've got to do EXACTLY that.

OK, let's see the worst rendition of Footloose ever.

SONG: "Rock Around The Clock"

SONG: "Play Hard"

Well done, Shane. Well done. Give it up for Shane, everybody!

Thanks, buddy!

It's time to pay tribute to this show's monumental guest -

a successful country and western recording artists,

DJ on the BBC for three decades,

and the uncle of every single person in Northern Ireland,

and THAT is a fact.

Ladies and gentleman, Hugo Duncan!

My feet won't touch the ground.

It looks like one of them really well dressed baby portraits.

OK, here we go.

Hugo Duncan, you're a national treasure,

but there was a time when this man from Strabane

was really very wee.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

A face you'd never tire of slapping.

From my understanding,

it was about that time that that photo was taken that you had

a job crossing international borders as a bike messenger.

That's right.

My godmother lived just below me and she smoked a cigarette,

Sweet Afton, and I used to go out delivering it on my bicycle...

over the border, and get the cigarettes,

and get two 20 packets, which, to me, was a big thing,

and put them round my shorts.

And because I was so fat coming back on the wee bike,

the cigarette packets were sticking out at the back,

and the next day I went over again,

and the custom man called me over and said,

"Hugo, you had cigarettes with you yesterday." I took a redneck.

I was good at it.

-Yeah.

-I was a great man on a bicycle.

So, you were working in a nylon factory back in Strabane

when you quit your day job and went full time

with your band The Tall Men

and you never looked back.

That's them. That's the very first photograph of the band.

If I had that bunch behind me, I wouldn't look back either.

You play a lot of gigs, is what I've been told.

-I would do maybe a couple of gigs a week.

-You love it?

I do love it and I love getting away for a couple of days to Spain

and doing an odd couple of days over there.

I was away three times last month, and it's just enjoyable

getting away, and it's enjoyable doing what you enjoy doing.

How many cigarettes do you smuggle back from Spain?

And I heard that you always put on a show, no matter what.

# When the clouds began to gather

# And the thunder it did roar

-# Barney McShane

-# Barney McShane

# Came down the lane... # 'That's my daughter.'

# It was just as he was passing by the widow Dolan's door

-# What do you think?

-What do you think?

# It began to pour

# She threw her shawl around her

# Ran out to the gate

# Shouted, "Barney, darling, won't you wait?"

# Arrah, come in out of the rain

# Barney McShane. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I kept dancing about the stage,

and the more I danced about the stage,

the stage kept going down into the ground.

It started to sink, it was soaking!

But we survived it, but you wouldn't be doing it nowadays

because Health & Safety would say stop.

Crazy, crazy Health & Safety,

not allowing people to have electricity in a rain storm(!)

LAUGHTER

So, Hugo, you get yourself a TV show, and, finally,

the opportunity to chill out in a cushy studio.

But, no, you went for the most travelled show on local TV,

Town Challenge.

CHEERING AND SHOUTING

Easy! Easy! Whoa!

We got the talent! We got...!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Were they throwing bricks at you there?

-They threw everything at me.

We had a good time, it was a good...

We had a right few seasons of it, and it worked, it was simple, it worked,

and there was no brain surgery there, it was just straightforward.

-Not even after getting hit by a brick?

-No!

LAUGHTER

You, my friend, have achieved cult status around here,

and you've travelled a bit as well.

Here you are on Radio One with Greg James.

He is such a nice lad. They come over here all the time

and they ask to come onto the programme.

We were just delighted to have him.

-I think they like the ould banter.

-Yeah.

-D'you know what banter is?

I love the banter, mate. We've been having it all night long.

He's coming round, isn't he?

Coming round to your place.

LAUGHTER

Hugo, you've been a legend in these parts, but the last word goes

to one of your biggest fans, Radio One's Philly Taggart.

Hugo, this is magnificent.

Congratulations on your Monumental status.

Some people will know you for being the man on the radio,

some people will know you for being the performer in the show bands.

In my heart, you are the bringer of Bounty bars.

Every Friday you would get sent in a shopping bag full of Bounty bars and

then walk around and look at all the hung-over faces across the line,

with me and Riggsy and Paul, and you'd just go,

"D'you want two fingers or d'you want three fingers?!

"Go on, you'll take three fingers!

"Look at you, you're only a wee skitter of a pup! Come on, eat up!"

Hugo, you are the reason I've gained a stone,

and I love you for it.

Hugo Duncan, skeel-eedle-eedle-idle, eedle-deedle-daddle-bye!

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, the man, the legend,

Hugo Duncan, you are Monumental!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the winners are...

Andrew's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks to Jimeoin, Michael Smiley and Kathy Clugston,

Andrew Maxwell, Micky Bartlett

and the fantastically Monumental Hugo Duncan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've been Jarred Christmas,

and you lovely people of Northern Ireland have been truly Monumental.

Good night.