Episode 6 Monumental

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

On tonight's show, it's Jimeoin,

Michael Smiley

and the writer and comedian Nuala McKeever.

On the other team, Andrew Maxwell,

Micky Bartlett

and our Monumental guest is May McFettridge's alter ego,

John Linehan.

Please welcome your host, it's Jarred Christmas!

Hello, and welcome to Monumental,

the comedy panel show that pays tribute

to all that's great and good in the great and good country

of Northern Ireland.

I'm not from round here,

but I know enough to know that Northern Ireland is not Brazil.

It is Northern Ireland.

LAUGHTER

And my job is to be an independent observer on this show

and find out what is monumental about this place.

And I've already found out something that's incredibly monumental-

the Ulster fry - mmm!

-CHEERING

-Exactly.

But I'm talking your proper Ulster fry,

not your fancy grilled stuff.

"Ooh, look at our Ulster fry, it's organic.

"The eggs have been laid on velvet."

It's got to be the scummiest of the scum, the cheapest of the cheap.

If that sausage isn't made out of pig lips, hooves and arseholes,

I don't want to eat it!

If those eggs haven't been laid by a chicken

caged in barbed wire and poked with a stick,

I don't want to eat it!

And when I eat it, if my left arm does not go completely numb,

I don't want to eat it!

Another thing that I love is the vegetable roll

that has no vegetables in it whatsoever.

Well done, Northern Ireland, it's all meat.

You have named that roll after something that it isn't.

That's like calling gay-hating Russia "Gok Wanistan".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No wonder the portable defibrillator was invented here.

And of course it's portable - they just bring it to the table.

"He's the Ulster fry! Clear!"

Boof!

"Would you like dessert?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Enough of that. We call this round Wish They Were One Of Us.

Each team has to suggest someone that they think would make

a good addition to Northern Ireland.

John, who do you want to nominate to be Northern Irish?

Statler and Waldorf.

-The Muppets?

-Two Muppets.

How many times have you heard that in Belfast or anywhere

in Northern Ireland, "Look at those two muppets"?

My dad used to do this thing in restaurants when we were kids

if we were given really bad service.

He'd call the waiter over and he'd say, "Can I speak to Kermit?"

The guy would be like, "I don't know, Kermit doesn't work there."

And he goes, "Then who's running this muppet show?!"

Me and my brother would be like...

Good times.

Jimeoin, who's your choice?

I'd like to see the 6 Million Man.

Cos you'd get him second-hand.

We could probably pick him up for a bargain.

"Did you just buy the 6 Million Man?"

"Yes, but that's not what I paid for him."

LAUGHTER

"How much?" "£7.50."

Bargain.

They would have got him second-hand parts.

It would be like here. John, you used to be a mechanic,

-didn't you?

-Yes.

You know what it's like when something goes wrong with your car

and you go to someone called John or Ken or Bill,

you never go to a proper garage,

and he always says, "I'll get you that part second-hand."

"Does it work, is it safe?"

"Oh, aye, it just means when you sound the horn

"the windscreen wipers'll go, but it's perfectly safe."

Imagine the 6 Million Man here -

every time he sneezed his arm would go up.

Achoo! Achoo!

Andrew, who would you claim for this fine country?

Johnny Rotten.

He's middle-aged, he's drunk, he's got bad hair,

and he loves singing God Save The Queen.

Can't be easy being a middle-aged punk,

with your mohican, as you get older and balder.

You have the choice of combing the mohican over...

-Mohover!

-Mohover!

It starts to get limp.

I've heard that, I've heard that.

I've heard it.

Johnny Rotten would be terrible here because nobody would be able to talk

about his band, because everyone's really prudish in Northern Ireland.

He'd be in the band called The ...x Pistols.

Pistols has been decommissioned, as well.

LAUGHTER

Nuala, what's your choice?

The Beatles, because if they had come from here,

everybody would know how we speak and they'd all love it.

Their songs would be, you know,

# I want to hold your hand, so I do. #

# She loves you, yeah, yeah, I swear to God, like. #

Or, one of my favourites would be,

# You say goodbye, and here be's me. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I like the "here's me" face,

Our little girl at home used it to do that, she'd tell anecdotes,

but she wouldn't say anything, she wouldn't say what she said -

"He says... Here's me!"

LAUGHTER

"Here's him!"

That was her telling the story, and here's me.

LAUGHTER

-Micky, what do you want?

-The Virgin Mary.

Just to see if it would change the Bible.

Because in the Bible when Mary finds out

she's going to have God's baby, the angel comes down and says,

"You're going to have God's baby,"

and she goes, "Brilliant," and that's it.

That's all you really hear about it.

Whereas if it was set here, she wouldn't believe him,

she'd probably have gone and got a pregnancy test,

which was very different back then.

If a lady got a pregnancy test 2,000 years ago it was different.

You peed on a stick, and then you waited nine months,

and if you didn't have a baby...

LAUGHTER

There are loads of statues of the Virgin Mary around, though.

There's loads of them all over Ireland. She's got two moves.

She's got this one - "Aaaah."

That's pretty standard, she's praying, that's standard.

That's fairly normal. And then she has got this one -

"Aaaaah."

And I think that looks like the Jewish mother she was.

NEW YORK ACCENT: "Oh, 33 years old, and he's still not married."

LAUGHTER

"Oi! He's hanging around with fishermen,

"he could have been a doctor."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK and, finally, what about you, Michael Smiley?

Bruce Lee.

Bruce Lee, cos let's be honest, he loves a fight.

And he wears his trousers a wee bit too short.

Great thing about him, as well, is that he was horny.

You know, Bruce Lee loved women of all shapes, sizes,

denominations, didn't really matter.

Bruce Lee's favourite was a woman

with a big breast and a small breast.

Haw-haw!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A lot of people don't know this, but Bruce Lee was actually

so horny that he would masturbate like this.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to award that round to Jimeoin's team!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now it's time for the round we call Town Challenge,

and it's all about bigging up your small places.

I'm going to give the panel a series of clues

and they're going to try and guess which town they apply to.

Jimeoin's team, you guys are up first.

Here's your first clue/fact.

Our very own Stonehenge lies just outside this town.

That's actually a photo of modern-day Craigavon.

LAUGHTER

If you look at that from an aerial point of view,

it says "help".

I went to school right beside that place as a kid growing up,

so I know the answer.

All right, your second clue is

in 2010 this town's council caused an outcry

with this Christmas tree - have a look.

LAUGHTER

-MICHAEL:

-Look at that - Christmas tree with a Peace Wall round it.

LAUGHTER

Maybe it's from the house next door and they've just thrown it over the wall.

It just landed straight, by chance.

-Do you want your final clue?

-Yes.

I don't need it. I know where it is. I'm happy.

And your final clue is this town has an English Street,

an Irish Street,

and a Scotch Street.

But it was Paddy the Welshman that made it famous.

-Draperstown, isn't it?

-No!

LAUGHTER

He's looking at the photos of the stone,

you thought that was your gym or something from school.

-Is it Downpatrick?

-Who?

-Downpatrick?

-You're absolutely right!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well done.

There's a bunch of stones just outside Draperstown.

There is a bunch of stones like that everywhere.

That could have been anywhere.

-Andrew's team, here's the first clue in your Town Challenge.

-Right.

A lot of children in this town were educated by an old grey mother.

Old grey mother - does that make any sense to you, John?

Old grey mother...

Was she a young black-haired girl when you knew her, John?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're in my team!

Educated by the old grey mother - it's clearly a school

that's nickname is the old grey mother.

Does that make sense? So where's our famous school?

Your second clue is this.

This town has a building which looks like something out of Harry Potter.

It's actually the local police station.

We can say it out loud.

LAUGHTER

-Go on, John.

-It's not Draperstown.

So far we have an idea, but we don't know.

OK. Do you want the third clue?

Do we get more points if we don't get the clue?

No.

Give us a clue.

How would that work, John?

If we just guessed it before any clues, would we win the entire show?

-You'd win the world.

-We're on the same team here.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Like, he said Draperstown first, then went, "No".

I thought it was going to automatically come over here.

But no, he gives them two or three digs at it.

He was halfway round the north of Ireland before...

I had jet lag looking at these two travelling all around.

Your third and final clue is the fact that a locals have a

soft spot for this town's biggest sporting legend.

The ladies here love him.

And all the men have a man-crush on him.

He's our hero and he always will be.

-What do you think it is?

-Dungannon.

Correct! Well done, Andrew Maxwell.

Yes, that's Dungannon.

The town's golf course has a hole named after Darren Clarke.

That's nothing. I've got a whole holiday named after me.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to award that round to both teams, it's a draw!

Time to get all misty-eyed now as we play a round called

Monumentally Missed.

I'll ask our teams to name one thing that has disappeared from this

place that they would like to bring back.

Jimeoin, how about we start with you, big guy?

I'd like to see the Avon lady back.

My wife was at a party, girls had a party, it was a lingerie night

where these bunch of girls get together and they try on lingerie.

-And that's a girl's night out.

-Or in.

-Blokes just wouldn't do that.

You wouldn't call up your friend, "Frankie, come round to the house.

"We're trying on underpants tonight.

"Seamus and Barry are already here.

"Turn round, let me see the back of them."

"That string vest looks wonderful on you.

"The way the hair comes poking out through the holes."

"Oh, I love those new thermals,

"especially with the trap door as well, they look great."

Men start at onesies. You know the old cowboys, they had the gear

right the whole way down? That's the new onesie.

Have you ever tried to get out of a onesie by zipping it down a bit

and then taking your legs out before your arms?

That's like a private version of Twister.

The limbs go everywhere.

I once answered the door in a onesie to the TV licence man.

And I was smoking with a onesie on.

He'd never seen one before and he went, "Um...

"Is your daddy home?"

LAUGHTER

Andrew, you're up next. What do you want to bring back?

Why Don't You?

It was a TV show that would be on during the summer holidays

where they get a load of Northern Irish kids and get them

to make things out of toilet rolls and inventing games.

And it was the only time that you would hear a Northern Irish accent

on British TV outside of the news.

HIGH-PITCHED: We made robots out of toilet rolls.

We've got a clip,

so anyone who doesn't know it can get educated now.

# Why don't you

# Switch off your TV

# And do something less boring instead? #

Well, as you can, the Belfast gang haven't quite finished

decorating this place yet.

But there's stacks of things to get on with anyway.

And it'll be great craic.

They don't spell craic the proper...C-R-A-I-C.

It looks like the other crack.

C-R-A-C-K.

A great crack is like somebody with a big...

-Nuala, it's your turn.

-Bring back bad roads.

When we were kids, we didn't have Disneyland and Alton Towers,

but you didn't need them.

Cos all you did on a Sunday, your dad would pile you all into

the car, up to 35mph top speed, set off and went like this...

He's say, "Who wants to go on the rollercoaster?"

You'd be like, "No, it's OK. "We'll have to go home again."

My friend's mother used to go out of her way to take us round roundabouts

and we'd kneel up in the back seat falling all over the place.

We didn't need to steal a car to be thrilled in our day,

we just had to accept a lift in one.

If you want to relive crap roads, the border's only 60 miles away.

John.

What do you want to bring back, mate?

I want to bring back the lemonade man.

-The lemonade man?

-Yeah.

-Aye, the lemonade man was great.

-Brilliant.

We never had the money to get a bottle of lemonade cos it was

5d, which was about 2p in money now.

We had nothing!

-Nothing.

-You want to bring back having nothing?

LAUGHTER

See where I used to live, there was a wee shop,

Nellie Pollocks, I think she was.

Nellie used to give you a wee half a glass,

like a shot glass of lemonade, for a penny.

You know the wee cowboy hat? And sat down like you're a cowboy.

Shot down.

And you go out and you go down the road, slapping the arse of yourself.

You used to get pigeon's feathers and stick them on, if you were

an Indian or whatever. But having the money for a hat, we had nothing.

Michael.

He says, "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cowboy." He says,

"How long has this been going on for?" He says, "About a yee-ha!"

Michael Smiley, what do you want to bring back?

The Brits.

Come on, let's be honest. When they were over here, we were especially indifferent,

you know what I mean? It was like being in a film.

You walk down the street, there they were in their lovely little camouflage,

standing in front of a brick wall. LAUGHTER

They never thought that one through, did they?

They should've had like... Country Brit outfit,

and City Brit, do you know what I mean?

Should have been City Brit with just pebble dash, standing there...

And they're all walking backwards.

LAUGHTER

Also, they brought multiculturalism to Northern Ireland as well.

Because the first time I ever saw a black man was a soldier.

You know, you'd never seen black people over here

unless they were soldiers. And then, years later, I moved to London,

I moved to Brixton, and I thought, "There's loads of Brits over here."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, and, Micky, what would you like to see again?

The proper Northern Irish grandmother. I seen...

I seen a woman the other day, and she was talking to someone,

she went, "Do you believe I'm a granny?" And she had velour tracksuit bottoms on

with the word "Juicy" across her arse.

LAUGHTER That's why there is war in the world.

Because people aren't afraid of their grandmothers.

I was terrified of my grandmother.

My granny was the best-looking man in Portadown. LAUGHTER

Just... Just a big, massive... "I love you, son."

She was huge. Like, the only time my granny ever hugged you

was if she needed to wipe her nose on something. LAUGHTER

My granny had boobies too. My granny had proper boobies, proper granny boobies.

Clean-the-house boobies. Remember them? You'd walk down the stairs,

your granny would lift the sofa and go, "That'll do that..."

Flicking off 50p and a toddler.

LAUGHTER

Bring it back, I say.

I'm going to give that round to Andrew's team!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We call this round Mystery Monumental,

so please welcome tonight's Mystery Monumental guest - Adrian Leonard!

# Mr Big Stuff

# Who do you think you are? #

Now, this handsome chap is a Guinness World Record breaker,

but what record does he look like he might have broken?

Being posh in a built-up area.

LAUGHTER

No.

I don't know what he's done, but I know what I'd quite like him to do.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

I'm going to give you your first clue.

His achievement involves seven faces,

one wheel and all 400m of the Mary Peters Track.

He's a unicyclist with Snow White.

-Yeah, you're on the money, halfway there.

-Unicyclist?

-Yes.

Do you want to give them another clue, mate?

But the challenge that I've done involves brain freeze

-and a numb bum.

-Right. Are you the only man in the world

who's ever successfully done a wheelie on a cycle?

LAUGHTER

-Er, no.

-And your third clue is this headline...

He did something intellectual on a unicycle.

-Do you do a Rubik's Cube on a unicycle?

-Yes, he does!

-APPLAUSE

-Very well done!

-Wow!

Adrian holds the world record

for the most Rubik's Cubes solved while on a unicycle.

APPLAUSE

-So what's the record?

-Well, I did 28 in 35 minutes.

28 Rubik's Cubes.

So you finished one and then threw it away, and somebody threw you another one?

-Yeah, they had scrambled one ready to...?

-How many?

-28?

-In how long?

-35 minutes.

-Wow.

APPLAUSE

-What do you do in real life?

-I'm a long-haul airline pilot.

-Are you indeed?

-Yeah.

-It's just getting better by the minute.

-Hold it back, hold it back!

-That this is a terrifying thought.

"We're about to land. Hang on, hang on."

LAUGHTER

Jimeoin, your team lost there,

so we need a volunteer from your team to do the challenge.

-I nominate Smiley.

-Good delegation of power there, mate.

So here's the deal.

Adrian will do a lap of the studio on a unicycle

and complete a Rubik's Cube. Here's your helmet.

There's a Rubik's Cube in there, so take it out before you put it on.

LAUGHTER

OK, and, Michael Smiley, you have to try and beat him

by just standing in one spot and completing your Rubik's Cube.

You'd better put this helmet on too, just so you don't hurt yourself.

APPLAUSE

The Rubik's Cube's in there, mate.

You think YOU look stupid?! LAUGHTER

I just look like I've just come out of a coma. LAUGHTER

Stand by, here we go.

On you marquees, get your car keys, go!

CHEERING

Can anybody do these?

APPLAUSE Somebody...

Shite, he's coming back.

LAUGHTER

-Make sure you do more than just the orange side.

-Shut your mouth!

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I've done it.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Give it up for the fantastic Adrian!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We're near the end of the show

but before we reveal tonight's winners,

it's time to pay tribute to our special guest.

He's been voted the country's favourite entertainer.

He's spent decades raising thousands of pounds for charities

and is a close associate of the panto queen of Northern Ireland,

May McFettridge.

Tonight, we bestow Monumental status

on the one, the only

John Linehan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Your alter ego is May McFettridge,

which I understand began as a joke when Eamonn Holmes

was a presenter on Downtown Radio

Correct. He said, "John, I ring you in the house

"and you just put up for four or five minutes live."

I was a motor mechanic at this stage.

I says, "What would I say for four or five minutes?"

And I nearly didn't do it.

But, thank God, I did that day,

and Eamonn said,

"You're some wee woman from North Belfast and your name is May.

"And your second name..."

I went, "Pardon?"

LAUGHTER

Since I didn't think we were going to be talking that long

we would get into second names.

LAUGHTER

I had a copy of the Irish News

and McFettridge playing for the Antrim hurling side...

Antrim had a great hurling side in the late '80s,

and the headline was "McFettridge Has A Blinder".

I'm on the phone to Eamonn, "Yes, it's May...McFettridge."

He says, "McFettridge?" I say, "Yeah."

LAUGHTER

He says, "How do you spell it?"

I go, "M-C-F-E...."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

To a lot of people, you are a fixture of their Christmas.

At this point, you have starred in 24 consecutive Christmas pantos

at Belfast's Grande Opera House.

LAUGHTER

You'll need telling yourself, love.

I'm talking to her, not you,

you eejit.

You down the front row with the grey hair.

Have you any children? Five?

Must be a Catholic.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

May is renowned for ripping into the audience,

and they clearly love it.

Do you have any of your favourite put-downs you can bring us tonight?

There is somebody finishes a joke,

"You crack all the jokes you want, they are paying me."

LAUGHTER

"Pick a window, you're leaving."

LAUGHTER

Or if it is a guy and he is with

female company, "You fancy me, don't you?

"That's why you're shouting, love.

"Is that any wonder? Look at the dog you are sitting with."

LAUGHTER

That normally goes down a treat.

LAUGHTER

My best heckle, we were playing a gig and playing in complete silence,

you won't know what that's like,

complete silence for about five minutes and then a guy shouted out,

"You have ruined my birthday!"

LAUGHTER

When you're not making people laugh, you are raising loads of money for charity

Which one's John?

LAUGHTER

And in 2007,

you were awarded, for your efforts, with an MBE.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Did you get to meet any of the Royals?

The Queen.

LAUGHTER

I had already met Duke.

We were doing the Downtown Radio John Daly Show,

motor show at the King's Hall,

and the Duke was coming in,

through a small back door.

As he came through the door, I went

"Hello, son, how are you? I'm sure you're starving, have you had anything to eat yet?"

LAUGHTER

With that, this guy behind pulled out an Uzi sub-machine gun.

I went, "No!"

A police said, "That's OK."

I was going to get cut in two just because I said hello to Phil the Greek.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You have done it all,

and we will leave the final words to an old

showbiz buddy of yours.

Hiya, John. Congratulations On getting Monumental status.

You'll be dragged through the streets of Belfast now.

You are voted the most popular entertainer in Northern Ireland,

you got an MBE for your charity work

and you have appeared in well over 1,000 panto performances.

You deserve a good night.

Have one for me and I'll see you soon.

Take it easy and congratulations. All the best, John!

APPLAUSE

John Linehan,

you are truly Monumental!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Before we go, the scores are in, and tonight's winners are...

Andrew's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks to Jimeoin, Michael Smiley

and Nuala McKeever.

Andrew Maxwell, Micky Bartlett

and the fantastically Monumental

John Linehan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've been Jarred Christmas, and you lovely people of Northern Ireland

have been truly Monumental.

Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE