Episode 7 Monumental

APPLAUSE

And the best bits of Monumental tonight...

Christine Bleakley,

Peter Dickson,

John Linehan,

Nuala McKeever,

Dana,

Shane Todd,

Hugo Duncan,

me, Kathy Clugston,

Jackie Fullerton,

Niamh Marron,

Gerry Armstrong

and Bronagh Waugh.

Please welcome your host, Jarred Christmas!

Hello and welcome to Monumental,

the show about Northern Ireland,

hosted by a Kiwi.

My job is to be an independent observer on this show

and find out what is monumental about this place.

When I arrived in your beautiful country,

I saw something that threw me completely.

At Belfast International Airport, there was

a Northern Ireland Tourism poster

saying, "Good times are a stone's throw away."

I don't think that slogan's doing you any favours.

You might as well say, "Belfast - it's a riot."

Another thing that I love is the vegetable roll,

that has no vegetables in it whatsoever.

Well done, Northern Ireland - it's all meat.

You have named that roll after something that it isn't.

That's like calling gay-hating Russia

Gokwanistan.

And to speak Northern Irish, it's to speak a bit like a pirate,

but only on the Rs.

Luckily, I love speaking like a pirate, so I love your accent.

Can I have a pint of Harrrrrrp?

You've got to make sure it's an old school pirate,

not a Somali pirate.

-IN A SOMALI ACCENT:

-I want a pint of Harp,

and a million dollars.

No wonder the portable defibrillator was invented here.

And of course it's portable - they just bring it to the table.

"He's had the Ulster Fry - clear!"

Booop - BOOOMPH!

"Would you like dessert?"

This round is called Wish They Were One Of Us.

It's a chance for our teams to pick someone from anywhere

around the world and make them Northern Irish.

Jimeoin, let's start with you.

Who would you like to be Northern Irish?

The Pope.

The Pope, cos he's got a cracking sovereign ring...

..he drives around in a bulletproof car

and he's called Frankie, but that's not his real name.

-CHRISTINE:

-That's brilliant!

APPLAUSE

It'd be great if he drove around in the Popemobile

and the hand of God just came down and picked it up

and shook it, like a snow dome, just...

I love the idea that he thinks he's getting into a car that's

really groovy - like, it's glass, it's bulletproof,

but he has to stand up in it.

If he has to sell it second-hand, he's got to tell them it's a

bit of a pig around corners, you know what I mean?

Remember the last pope, Pope Benedict?

There was all that controversy about him being in the Hitler Youth.

If he was Northern Irish, when he got ordained, it would've

been cracking, cos he'd have walked out to the Vatican and went...

"I'm only joking ye!"

Andrew, who do you fancy?

Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street.

Just to show Edwin Poots...

..that two creatures who clearly the same gender

can sleep in the same bed together and the world won't end.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Know what I mean?

I was on a bus in London

and there were two really drunk kids in hoodies sitting in front of me,

having a beautiful, drunken conversation.

One of them turned around to the other and went,

"Here, you know Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street are gay?"

And the other one turned around and went, "How can they be gay?

"One of them's an orange and the other one's a banana."

Did anybody else notice that?

What about you, Michael Smiley?

Bruce Lee.

Bruce Lee, cos let's be honest, he loves a fight.

And he wears his trousers a wee bit too short.

Great thing about him as well was that he was horny.

Bruce Lee loved women of all shapes, sizes,

denominations - didn't really matter.

Bruce Lee, his favourite was a woman with a big breast and a small breast.

"Ho-ho."

Cathy, your go.

Mary Berry, from the Great British Bake Off.

AUDIENCE MURMURS IN AGREEMENT Yes.

She has that look about her, doesn't she?

She'd fit in quite well with the North Downs set, I think.

-Her wee satin bomber jacket.

-Absolutely.

-Wee blonde bob.

-Very much Helen's Bay...

-Very.

You won't know this about Belfast and Northern Ireland,

because you're from all the way in New Zealand,

but there's a lot of very nice people here.

It's not all scumbags, you know.

All the way through the Troubles,

while half people were blowing up the city centre,

the other half of Belfast were out sailing in the bay.

Bronagh, who would you make Northern Irish?

I'd like to make Christian Grey from 50 Shades Of Grey Northern Irish.

AUDIENCE OOHS AND WHISTLES

I don't know if you know, but the guy who played my husband in

The Fall, Jamie Dornan, he's playing Christian Grey in 50 Shades Of Grey

and I imagine he's doing an American accent,

but I think it would be funny if he did it Northern Irish, like...

"Horse it into ya, Anastasia.

"See you? Do you know what I'm going to do to you, wee doll?"

Also, everything we say sounds a bit aggressive as well.

Northern Irish accents do sound a bit aggressive, so in 50 Shades Of Grey,

there's handcuffs and silver jiggley balls and blindfolds and stuff.

I think if someone who was Northern Irish went, "I'm going to blindfold

"you and handcuff you to the bed", you'd absolutely shite yourself.

Mickey, your turn.

I'd like to have Colonel Sanders from KFC.

He's quite Northern Irish, in a way, because he's a Colonel,

but no-one's really sure what army he was in.

Chicky ar la.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Dana liked that one.

Our chicken will come.

LAUGHTER

That was fowl.

That was fowl!

Yay!

Now it's time for the round we call Town Challenge

and it's all about bigging up your small places.

I'm going to give the panel a series of clues

and they're going to try and guess which town they apply to.

A creamery named after the town produces no less

than 22 varieties of cheese.

Ooh..could you narrow it down a bit?

-Spelga.

-Golden Cow.

Augnacrackerbarrel?

It doesn't matter what knife you use for cutting cheese,

it always goes through the cheese at the same speed.

You get...

..the smallest knife...

..you put the least amount of pressure on it, it does that.

You get... You could drop a machete on a block of cheese,

as soon as it hits, you go...

Guillotine...

Great way of getting out of a guillotine,

just hide a block of cheese.

Van Morrison wrote the following song about an island in the town.

# Drove through Shrigley taking pictures

# And on to Killyleagh... #

Oh, I love that song.

# Stopping for Sunday papers at the Lecale District.

Love that song, I love it.

-Do you like it, Christine?

-One of my favourites.

I like it when he says "I look at the side of your face."

That's right.

There's not that many songs sung in a Northern Irish accent, is there?

Aye, there is.

# Armoured cars and tanks and guns

# Came to take away our sons

# Every man must stand behind

# The men behind the wire... #

And it's a beautiful song to make love to.

-You keep at that pace...

-Oh!

But also, the Northern Irish songs

couldn't be done in, like, a lounge style.

CHEESILY: # Armoured cars and tanks and guns

# Came to take away our sons

# But every man will stand behind

# The men behind the wire, yeah!

-# Boo-ba-doo-bop!

-Jazz, jazz!

# We're up to our knees in Fenian blood

# Kick the Pope or die

# We are the Billy, Billy boys - ha-ha! #

APPLAUSE

Our very own Stonehenge lies just outside this town.

That's actually a photo of modern-day Craigavon.

See if you look at that from an aerial point of view,

it says, "Help."

Every June, this town hosts an international walking festival.

Oh, yeah - after trekking over fields and mountains,

the festival ends with the blister ball.

What sort of walking is it? Power walking?

-I guess it's festive walking.

-I do love power walking.

The first time I saw power walking, a woman doing it, I thought,

"Man, she's raging."

-"Someone's going to get a right bollocking."

-What is it...?

But what is it about anywhere in Ireland,

when Irish women get to a certain age and then they have an overwhelming

desire to put on a fleece and walk against traffic after dinner.

You se it all over Ireland - about seven or eight in the evening,

thousands of Irish mammies in fleeces, walking against...

There are some places in rural Ireland where's no path or anything.

They're going up against articulated lorries,

this grim determination in their eyes -

"If I make it home alive, I can have a slice of cheesecake."

This town lends its name to a brand of whiskey, a brand of cheese

and a brand of wine - the holy trinity of a good night in.

Coleraine's got whiskey, Coleraine's got cheese...

-Coleraine?

-Coleraine.

Well done, the answer is Coleraine!

That was Coleraine, the town of firearms and...

'Scuse me - he should not, and they should not, have got that question,

because he is from that part of the world.

So he would know the answer.

I'm from Portstewart, which is four miles away,

and I've never been to Coleraine in my life.

-Ballymena, let's say Ballymena.

-Ballymena.

No. What about you guys?

-Christine?

-Well...

-You do it, you go.

-No, no...

-You tell me...

-Ballymoney.

-Ballymoney, it is.

There you go!

You guys just put "Bally" in front of things that you want -

"Ballymoney, Ballycastle...

Bally-clava.

APPLAUSE

When you get the bally-clava, you get the bally-money.

CHRISTINE LAUGHS LOUDLY

In this round, I want our teams to tell us about something

that has disappeared from life in Northern Ireland -

anything that remind you about the good old times that

you'd like to bring back.

OK, Hugo, what are you going to nominate?

I miss the key being left in the front door

and people being able to walk in and out of people's homes.

And I'd just be sitting around...

You can even go and put on the kettle.

-Really?

-Yeah, just walk in and somebody says, "Ach, it's yourself."

"Yeah, it's my house, mate."

Do any of you guys remember keys being left in the door?

He's winding you up.

We never had doors, growing up.

Do you ever go to the toilet just to get away from people?

I often carry two drinks just to get away from people.

Like...

When I go to the toilet I always use the cubicle because

when you walk in, somebody will know you and he'll stand there going...

Hugo, how you doing?

Now I always go into the cubicle.

Safer. Cleaner.

And the doors are open, "Ah, it's yourself."

What about you, Michael Smiley, what would you bring back?

Old phrases like stuff my granny or my ma used to say.

Granny used to say things like, "What's up with you?

"Is the skin on your head tight?"

"Hang on till I park my camel and peel this grape."

I'll only be asking her for a cup of tea.

"If you're looking for sympathy,

"it's in the dictionary between shit and syphilis."

She used to love that.

She used to write it on get well cards and everything.

Andrew, you're up next, what do you want to bring back?

Why Don't You?

It was TV show that would be on during the summer holidays

where they would get a load of Northern Irish kids

and get them to make things out of toilet rolls and inventing games.

It was the only time that you would hear a Northern Irish accent

on British TV outside of the news.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: We've made robots out of toilet rolls.

We've got a clip,

so anyone who doesn't know it can get educated now.

# Why don't you

# Switch off the TV

# And do something less boring instead. #

Well, as you can see,

the Belfast gang having quite finished decorating this place yet,

but there's stacks of things to get on with anyway.

And it'll be great craic.

If I were you I'd stay

and have a look around.

They didn't spell craic the proper way - C-R-A-I-C.

It looked like the other crack.

C-R-A-C-K.

A great crack is like somebody with a big...

LAUGHTER

Jimeoin, what do you miss most of all?

I miss wrong numbers.

We used to get a wrong number, they just don't come up any more.

You phone up looking for your friend,

you get this random person, you'll be going, "Is Brian there?"

And they'd be really concerned going, "No."

"There's no Brian here."

Really worried cos you've sort of got them on a technicality too

cos they probably never thought of checking for a Brian.

They're probably going through their head, "Maybe there is.

"Hang on, is there a Brian here?"

Some guys gets up from the sofa going...

The big one now is on the landline is getting cold call from accident

lawyer companies, ambulance chasers, and they'll always start off,

"Hey, our records state that you've had an accident."

If you reply in any other way than this, you're on their database,

you will get hounded for weeks on end, this is what I've learnt

from experience, this is what you've got to do,

when they start up go,

"Our records state that you got injured in an accident."

Your opening line has to be...

"Aye, it was no accident."

Case closed.

And, Micky, what would you like to see again?

The proper Northern Irish grandmother.

I seen a woman the other day, she was talking to someone,

"Do you believe I'm a granny?" She had velour tracksuit bottoms on

with the word "Juicy" across her arse.

That's why there's war in the world

because people aren't afraid of their grandmothers.

I was terrified of my granny.

My granny was the best looking man in Portadown.

Just a big, massive, "I love you, son."

She was huge.

The only time my granny ever hugged you was

if she needed to wipe her nose on something.

My granny had boobies too. My granny had proper boobies.

Proper granny boobies, clean the house boobies, remember them?

Your granny will lift the sofa and go, "That will do."

Flicking off 50p and a toddler.

Bring it back, I say.

Shane, what do you want to bring back?

I'll be in favour of bringing back Energy 106 discos.

They were these underage raves that happened in Ice Bowl.

The reason I want to bring it back is

because this thing used to happen which is known as

Northern Ireland rave face, which is

when like a man raving in Northern Ireland like he's really

feeling the tunes and his face contorts in such a way that is only

seen on the dance floor,

like I have glowsticks in my hand for the purpose of this...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Just love the idea that people are getting nostalgic about rave.

I was there at the birth of it. Yous kids didn't know.

See in years to come, there's going to be an old people's home

called Done Ravin'.

And me and about 20 others standing around the sequencer going,

"No, no, no, no, come on, girls..."

HE MIMICS RAVE MUSIC

And they'll be somebody's pacemaker...

HE MIMICS RAVE MUSIC

"That's a great tune, keep it going. Davey's dead.

"Turn it up.

"It's what he would have wanted."

Northern Ireland is full of people

who make it their business to do monumental things.

But can the teams guess what they are?

So please welcome tonight's mystery Monumental guest Padraig Mallon...

Dineka Maguire,

Jake and Corin King,

Shane McKeever,

Patrick Houston,

Adrian Leonard.

These two brothers are both world beaters,

but what did they beat the world at?

Joyriding.

Are you handcuffed when you're doing it?

Cos you look like you're handcuffed now.

I don't know what he's done, but I know what I'd quite like him to do.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

What do you do in real life?

I'm a long-haul airline pilot.

It's just getting better by the minute!

Hold it back!

-You a dancer?

-No.

-You a wrestler? Porn star?

...hammer, that's what they call you, isn't it?

-It is wakeboarding?

-No.

Is it waterboarding?

Sheep dipping?

Is it a team event?

-It is, yes.

-Wouldn't be tug of war, would it?

-No.

-Just do that with your arm. Thanks.

Dineka, why don't you hit them up with a second clue?

Sometimes when I train I wear pyjamas.

Onesie luge.

It can be done in a group, but I do it alone.

-Ah.

-It is one-man synchronised swimming?

The challenge that I've done involves brain freeze

and a numb bum.

Are you the only man in the world who's ever successfully done

a wheelie on a unicycle?

-Line dancing.

-Yup.

Well done, Hugo.

Did you do a Rubik's cube on a unicycle?

Yes.

Dineka is the four times world bog snorkelling champion

and the fastest person ever in the sport.

The King brothers are both world beating surf kayakers.

They are the Camlough Lake swimmers who hold the world record

for the longest relay swim in open water.

Now, because you guys lost,

Jimeoin, Patrick is going to shoot an apple off your head, Jimeoin.

Bring on the target.

Good body position.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, the monumental Patrick Houston.

You think you look stupid.

I just look like I've just come out of a coma.

One your markies, get your car keys, go!

Can anybody do these?

Shite, he's coming back.

Oh, he's done it!

CHEERING

Bring on the Camlough Lake swimmers.

LAUGHTER

I'm in the Guinness Book Of Records.

That's how Jim gets into nightclubs.

It's time to pay tribute to our special guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Christine Bleakley!

Take a seat on your giant M.

Oh, I hope there's a commode in this.

My feet won't touch the ground.

See that?

It looks like one of them really well dressed baby portraits.

Here you are smiling even though you're from Newtownards.

That's when I first started in here.

I came wearing that very school uniform,

as lots of these cameramen here today will remember.

-Yeah.

-Not for that reason...

LAUGHTER

Here you are on Top Of The Pops in 1977 singing

Put Some Words Together, and check out who else was on the bill.

This week's 14 - Bob Marley and the Wailers.

Let's calm things down rather nicely.

Dana's back on Top Of The Pops.

She's going to Put Some Words Together.

# High time you put some words together just for me

# If I hang on till you'll ready I could wait for ever. #

-Did you get to meet Bob Marley?

-Well, we did, yeah.

It's a shock when you go into the Top Of The Pops studio,

-it's so small.

-Was it smoky?

No.

-Was Bob nice?

-Yeah, he was nice.

Everybody just sitting in make-up and you turn around and,

"Oh, there's Bob."

Bob Marley in the make-up chair...

IMPRESSION: "Just do something with my red eyes, yeah."

After the World Cup, you had a great homecoming at Watford

and an even better one in Belfast.

This is the open-topped bus that took us through the city centre.

We went to the city hall, fantastic. There were

hundreds of thousand of fans turned up in the streets of Belfast.

Very happy days, happy times.

Well, it just looked like a flag parade, didn't it?

And I heard you always put on a show, no matter what.

# When the clouds began to gather

# And the thunder it did roar

-# Barney McShane

-Barney McShane

# Came down the lane

# Shouting Barney, Barney, you're wet

# Arrah come in out of the rain, Barney McShane. #

APPLAUSE

I kept dancing about the stage, and the more

I danced about the stage, the stage kept going down into the ground.

I started to sink. It was soaking.

We survived, but you wouldn't get doing it nowadays,

because health and safety would say, "Stop."

Crazy, crazy, health and safety -

not allowing people to have electricity in a rainstorm.

LAUGHTER

In 2007, you were awarded for your efforts with an MBE.

APPLAUSE

I'd already met the Duke up at the motor show at the King's Hall.

And the Duke was coming into a small back door.

So as he come through the door, I went,

"Hello, son. I'm sure you're starving.

"Have you had anything to eat yet?!"

And with that, this guy behind him pulled out and Uzi sub-machine gun.

I'm going, "No! No!"

And the police said, "No, that's OK."

I was going to get cut in two, just cos I said hello to Phil the Greek.

LAUGHTER

How would you commentate on this moment

from your TV-presenting career?

Here comes the lift now... It could be painful!

It is painful!

He's down - is he out?

The Giant thinks so.

He wouldn't lift Fullerton these days!

LAUGHTER

I liked how professional you were in that.

You just got slammed to the ground

and the first thing you did was straighten your tie.

-You've got to look well.

-Exactly!

Did he say sorry?

He said sorry and I says, "Too late, mate."

I said, "The next time is see you, I'll rip your head off."

So what does Frank Lampard think of...?

-Newtownards? He likes it very much.

-Does he?

I can guess where this might be going.

Where did you take him the first time he went to Newtownards?

The Poundland shop in...

..in Newtownards Shopping Centre.

Look, you have got to keep it real, do know what I mean?

I hear you, sister.

We went to the Poundland shop, yeah.

Oh, my goodness me.

What did you buy in there, Christine?

Erm, sweets.

Batteries for a radio phone thing...

and bleach.

LAUGHTER

What are you making? A bomb?

Can't beat it!

Whatever they're doing,

they don't want any evidence to be there afterwards.

And we'll leave the final words to an old showbiz

buddy of yours.

Hiya, John.

Congratulations on getting Monumental status -

you'll be dragged through the streets of Belfast now.

Congratulations on receiving Monumental status,

a title you've held, unofficially, since that night in Spain in '82.

Wasn't he the one that taught you everything you know?

No. That was Peter Morrow.

Was he the one that was at your wedding?

Really good-looking, and what a crooner.

-Did he chat you up?

-No.

Well, then you definitely didn't meet him.

You absolutely deserve it,

cos you're one of the few people that I know that's

been in the entertainment/music business as long as I have.

You are the kindest, most wonderful, most genuine person,

I say that with true heart.

I love working with you.

Beaten only...

by Gordon The Gopher.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

I've been Jared Christmas,

and you lovely people of Northern Ireland have been truly Monumental.

Good night.

This is the scene that was cut from Brokeback Mountain.

MUSIC: "Rock Around The Clock" by Bill Haley & His Comets

MUSIC: "Play Hard" by David Guetta

APPLAUSE