Episode 1 Motherland

This programme contains some strong language.

He's forgotten his trunks? What time is swimming? Actually, I don't even know why I'm asking you that.

I'm at work. I can't get away. Can he swim in his pants?

Sorry, can I just ask you, did you try calling my husband?

No, you just called me, OK. No, just wanted to know, that's all.

OK, well, I think we both know that he is going to be missing swimming.

Yes. Och, yeah, yeah!

It is a terrible, awful, terrible shame.

It's a tragedy.

OK. All right.

Take care. God bless you, bye-bye.

Is that a work phone?

Yes.

Look, Julia. I get it, it's hard.

People say women can have it all.

But that's easy to say.

And the point is, if you're hosting a dinner for 250 opticians

at the ExCel Centre, it probably means you're missing bath time.

You constantly feel like you're letting someone down.

I get it.

That is it exactly.

That is it. That's it.

I've got kids myself.

And I come from a family of very strong, strong women.

So I really do understand.

So just sort it out.

Yeah.

Huh?

What's with all the cleaning stuff?

Oh! It's date night tonight.

-How much jizzing are you planning to do?

-Oh, yeah!

No, I just want to get the whole house spotless

so Jill isn't distracted by any of that stuff.

And she can't forget like she did last time,

because I've put it in her iCal.

I didn't have you down as a sexual person, Kevin.

Oh, yeah. Very much so.

Absolutely. It's important, isn't it, when you've had kids,

to make time for each other?

Physically.

I thought we could do it in the shower tonight.

She used to love that in the '90s.

I just have to give it a good scrub first.

-Do you do wine here?

-We do an Elderflower presse.

No, you've completely misunderstood me.

Do I look like I've been crying? I got a bit emotional at work.

-What happened?

-I just had a full-on talking-to from my boss.

Is that good or...?

-Sorry, is that bad?

-It's bad. It's shit.

I am hanging on by a thread here. I really need some childcare,

I don't have time to find any childcare. I just need some time.

You should do what Amanda does.

Monday, her kids go to her mother-in-law after school.

Tuesday, she does a nanny share with a family from their street.

Wednesday, she does a half day.

Thursday, it's either the nanny share or her,

or the mother of the other family -

they take it in turns - which just leaves one Thursday a month,

which they rotate. And Fridays,

every fourth weekend, her mum comes over from Portugal.

So that's covered. And the other Fridays, Johnny works from home

or Amanda takes the day off.

And I believe she catches up with everything else on the Saturday.

OK.

I'll just do that, then.

Do you mind if we take this table?

There's a smaller table free over there, and there's a lot of us

-and only one of you.

-It's just, this table's right next to the socket.

What, a plug? There's a plug down there?

I should have brought my ironing,

really make the most of that fucking plug. Come on, mate, move it.

Are you free on Saturday? It's Ivy's birthday.

That'll be lovely. What are you doing?

Oh, nothing special. Just a few friends at Pizza Express.

She's only 9 - it's not her 40th.

You're missing a trick there.

Oh, I was just reading about Amanda's kids.

Do you think she's still pissed off about having to make us an omelette

-that time?

-She won't be in a minute. Hang on.

All right? Just grabbing the milk.

God, you look thin!

-You been ill or something?

-No.

No, I haven't.

Really? That's mad! Yeah, you look dangerously thin.

Oh, thank you!

You're welcome.

What did you mean when you said I was missing a trick?

If you've got childcare issues, you should throw a big party.

-What? Why?

-You invite 30 kids,

you get 30 invites back.

That's free childcare.

I'm having a lovely afternoon without my son right now.

How does that even work?

Parents have to stay, don't they?

No, it's drop-offs.

You gift them a drop-off party, then it's quid pro quo -

they let you drop-off in return.

Liz, I haven't got time to organise a massive party.

What time?! You buy four caterpillar cakes from Asda,

put them together in one long human-centipede type

Caterpillar cake, then just let the kids help themselves.

Don't even bother with a knife.

Just let them dig their creepy little fingers in.

Then tell them you've hidden a quid somewhere and relax.

Then, for the big finale, play Gangnam Style

and give them undiluted squash.

They'll go fucking mental.

It's all over by 4pm, done.

We hired a ceramic cafe,

so same principle, but everyone goes home with an ashtray.

Yeah, well, I think that sounds absolutely hideous.

So I'll stick to Pizza Express.

Hey! Hey-ah, hey, hey-oh.

I'm having a little birthday thing for Ivy on Saturday.

Pizza Express, if you... Oh, Pizza Express, that's a good idea.

So much easier than going to the trouble of organising

a real proper party. And you're not really

a kids' party person, are you, Julia?

THEY SNIGGER

Yeah...I kids party!

I kids party, real hard.

If you'd let me finish my sentence!

I was going to say that Pizza Express is great

if you like that kind of thing,

but what I've been planning for quite some time now is a massive

fuck-off party on Saturday at mine.

What's the theme?

Tarts and vicars.

I'm joking, Anne, that's a joke.

There's no, um, there's no theme.

It's a BYO theme.

Fine, pirate robots.

So, I'm having a party. It's fine. I organise events for a living,

so that will be absolutely fine.

Can you help me, please?

Nope.

Hello, Julia!

Hello, Mother. Who's this?

This is my friend, Sylvie.

Never heard of her.

Where are the kids?

Well, YOUR kid is here.

Standing in front of you wondering why I'm struggling to cope,

while you're bumming around eating smoked-salmon quiche

without a bloody care in the world.

Sorry about this, Sylvie.

So, I came in to invite you to Ivy's birthday party, it's on Saturday.

Oh, thanks, I'd like that.

-What time?

-Well, it starts at two, but if you could get there for,

I don't know, ten?

-What?

-I know what you're trying to do, Julia,

and the answer is no.

I'm not trying to do anything, Mother. What am I trying to do?

You want me to help with the party.

-No, I don't.

-Well, why do I need to be there at ten?

Need?!

I don't NEED anything, mother, please don't try and twist this.

What I want, actually, to be perfectly honest,

what I want is my children's grandmother to want to be there,

at ten, and to maybe bring some balloons or something.

No, Julia.

OK. How about this - just one last job,

and then you're free, you're out,

how about that? Just one last job.

Just for old time's sake.

I'll see you at two.

Unbelievable.

-Sylvie, would you like to come?

-Well, I...

You have to be there at ten.

-Delivery.

-Give my hat back now!

-Cake. Icing. Candles.

Squash. Music.

Games. Balloons.

OK. Hey, gang, it's Big Balloon Barry here.

I'm going to teach you how to blow up one of these bad boys.

What you want to do, give it a little stretch out.

-Work from the diaphragm...

-Ssh!

-..really get the control...

-Ssh!

Really focus the breathing.

Get a good seal with your lips.

It's very important.

OK, so, here we go.

This is fun, isn't it?

This is going to be good, I think.

Can you stop doing that?

Right. Let's have a little checkity check.

Yeah. It's still a Minion, isn't it?

Where is the delivery guy?

The delivery guy...

He's not...here.

Crisps, Twix, hummus and breadsticks,

tzatziki, wine, carrot batons - none of that stuff is here.

Yes, of course I confirmed the order.

Oh, God, I'm doing it now.

I've just done it. Where is it?

What? That's terrible!

-What, they didn't turn up at all.

-No, no, they didn't, Paul, look,

is there anyway you could just miss this one match,

and just get me some supplies, could you?

Well, I've got a seat in a box. It was my Christmas present from Dan.

OK, OK. Don't worry about it.

I've got a tub of cottage cheese and half a mackerel in the fridge.

It's a good job that I invited our Lord Jesus Christ,

because I really think this is going to work out.

Don't be like that.

I didn't ask for an early kick-off.

Blame bloody Sky, or BT Sport or whatever.

That's the problem with football.

So much contempt for the fans.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT NOW!

Can you help me or not?

Look, I can't be in two places at once, can I?

I'll be there tomorrow for her actual birthday.

Look, I know it all seems a bit of a mess right now,

but it's just a case of learning how to juggle everything.

And if you drop something, I will always be there to pick it up.

And toss it back to you so you can just keep on juggling.

OK?

Julia?

Julia?

This is a bag of choking hazards for the party bags.

And give them out at the end - that's a sign everyone

-has to piss off.

-God, thanks, Liz, how much to owe you?

£1. God bless Poundland.

No, I mean for everything.

Oh, right.

Er, £5.

God bless Poundland.

Right, there's four caterpillar cakes in there.

No, I've made a Minion cake! You wouldn't know it's a Minion,

but I really think it will pass as a cake.

It looks like an angry sweetcorn.

-How long have we got?

-Half an hour.

Are you having the party in there?

-Yes.

-Give me a pound coin.

Write a sign that says, "Find the pound."

-What about that room?

-No, no, that is out of bounds.

Write a sign that says, "Wet paint."

That's brilliant, Liz!

-DOORBELL

-Oh, that will be Kevin, I called him too.

-Come in.

-Let's get this party started!

What's that? Is that for the party?

This? It's a bag of carrots, Julia.

-What are they for?

-You'll see.

I'm going to need a small table, a long-stemmed glass, a napkin.

-Hiya.

-Hi, Liz. What would be great

is if you had some white gloves and a circular metal ring.

Kevin, I've booked an entertainer.

Oh, you've booked an entertainer?

Well, I thought I could...

It would be great, though, if you could help out with the sandwiches

and the, um, cleaning up.

Who have you booked?

I booked, um, the only person I could get at short notice.

-Um, Animal Man.

-Animal Man?!

-Oh, Julia.

-What's wrong with Animal Man?

He's...

racist.

-And he's...

-WHISPERS:

-..unimaginative.

What, he's an unimaginative racist?

Did you not read the Google reviews?

No, Kevin, I did not read the Google reviews.

Well, look, don't worry. I've got this.

-I'm not worried.

-You shouldn't be. Cos I've got this, Julia.

God, this looks bloody great!

I think we've pulled this off, mate.

Um... Ivy's just been sick.

What do you mean, sick?

Uh, she vomited on me.

And then she vomited again.

On me.

-What do you mean?

-Um...

I don't know how else to say it.

How are you feeling, Ivy?

Ivy?

SHE GROANS

Too much icing?

SHE GROANS

I don't think that's icing.

There's a bug going around.

We all had it last week.

I got caught short at the chemist on Tuesday.

Had to throw my leggings away.

Do you want me to cancel, Ivy?

Do you want me to cancel?

Because you're feeling ill?

SHE GROANS

That's not a no.

-What do you want to do?

-Oh, God.

It's too late to cancel, isn't it?

It's too late, isn't it? Is it too late to cancel?

DOORBELL

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Have we caught you at a bad time?

No. You've caught me at a great time.

-Where's the birthday girl?

-She's...

Do you have any parking permits, Julia?

Oh, God, parking permits.

No, it's a drop-off. It's just a drop-off.

It's all right. I'll just keep an eye open for traffic wardens.

-No, it's a drop-off! Why are you all coming in?

-Hi!

No, it's a drop-off. It's just a drop-off.

What are they doing? It's a drop-off!

Why are the mums all coming in?

Yeah, looks like they're lingering.

Yeah, I think they're going to stay.

You said that they were free to go, that was the whole point of this.

-Did you put "drop-off" on the invites?

-No, no, I just... No.

Well, then, it's Russian roulette. I guess you're buggered,

cos this is the first time

they've had permission to come inside your house.

So, basically, they're here to judge your house.

Please tell me you put a leaving time down.

No, that's enough. Thank you.

I had to bring up a bowl for Ivy.

Shit, Ivy licked that cake! She licked the cake, Liz!

No-one can eat the cake, Liz!

-Just give them the caterpillar cakes.

-OK. Yeah. Great.

-Where is Ivy?

-Ivy?

Oh, Ivy, she's... She got a bit overexcited,

so I put her on time-out in her room.

I actually like these walls, Julia - what colour are they?

What colour are they? They're the colour that you see.

-That colour.

-I was thinking about doing a bit of turn for the kids

before Animal Man gets here. If he gets here.

I mean, I've not read one Google review that said he wasn't late.

Yes! By all means! I'm just a bit...

Yes!

Ssh! Ssh! Ssh!

So, what have we all got?

-ALL: Carrots!

-Carrot. A boring old carrot.

Well, maybe not as boring as you thought, when you realise

you can turn a carrot...

..into a recorder!

Are we ready to make a recorder?

Oh, Julia, Julia, I'm going to need a few very sharp knives.

No, Kevin, I'm not handing out sharp knives to children.

Oh, yeah, that might be dangerous.

Um... What am I going to do?

I can't do them all myself - this one took hours.

DOORBELL

OK, I know. I know. Um...

Let's play Guess That Tune!

Who knows this one?

HE WHISTLES TUNELESSLY

Look who's here!

Who wants to see what's in the box?!

-ALL: Me!

-Come on!

Is it No Limits?

She thinks, because it's cranberry glass, it'll go for 20 quid.

But she'll get seven for it, tops - mark my words.

I've seen this episode already.

-How is she?

-Just had another little mini vom earlier.

Well, she hasn't got a temperature, so that's good.

Look, you don't have to sit up here, I can take over.

I'm having a nice time. Ivy's having a nice time.

This is my kind of party.

Plus, I owe the animal bloke 50 quid.

I booked him for a party, then didn't pay him.

Because he was racist?

No, because he was rubbish. God, if I didn't pay people

because they were racist, I wouldn't have a satellite dish.

Or catering at my wedding.

Can you take this?

I poured it down the loo, but it could do with a bleach.

Tag team.

I just thought Ivy might want a peep on my carrot flute.

Please don't say that to any other children, Kevin.

How was date night?

Disappointing.

Didn't get to use your mop?

Liz!

No, it's just, you know, I'd made dinner,

got the house all nice and clean, chromed the shower,

and I'd just popped up to give the bedroom carpet a quick vac,

and she walks in.

I'm not sure I want to hear this story, but go on.

Well, no, that's the end of the story.

She just said hello, locked the bathroom door,

had a shower by herself.

Maybe it's the pressure of date night.

Maybe I just need to...

..loosen up a bit, be a bit more spontaneous.

You know what, I'm going to take sex night out of the calendar.

I put it in there as a repeat event, but...

Oh, she's already deleted it.

MUSIC: Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

How's everything on the road, Anne?

All clear so far.

Has everyone had a special squash?

How long do you think - no pressure, just how long?

It takes as long as it takes.

-Perfect.

-Where is Ivy?

-Ivy?

-Where is she?!

She's, um... She's getting ready in her room, costume change.

What are they like?!

Nine going on Brandi Glanville.

-I don't know who that is.

-You do, yeah, you do,

you know who Brandi Glanville is, from Real Housewives.

You know Brandi Glanville!

She's friends with Lisa Vanderpump.

-Not friends, I mean...

-I don't watch Real Housewives.

No, no. No, me neither.

DOORBELL

Kevin, could you put some crisps out or something?

-Unbelievable.

-Sorry I'm late.

-Four and a half hours' late.

Half an hour late.

Ah, well, well, look who it is.

You've got some cheek.

-Where's Ivy?

-Yes, where's Ivy?!

Two days ago, it was "who's Ivy?"

No, it wasn't, Julia.

If you could just put your present in the pile, please.

Mother? Mother?

Hello, hello!

Marion! Aw!

Kevin, did you clean that?

-No.

-What's the matter with you?

That is the bowl that Ivy was sick in.

Do you need a hand, Julia?

Just to make the party a bit better.

No! No, it's fine.

No, this is exactly how it's supposed to be.

God, did you get those from the...?

What?

Nothing.

OK. Animal time!

Hey! Hurray!

OK, right. So I'm going to need a volunteer for later.

Who wants to volunteer?

Anyone?

You. Come on up.

Just stand there. Don't touch anything.

OK, right. We've got lots of wonderful animals to meet.

But first, we need to sing the animal song.

So...

Animal, animal, animal...

Animal, animal, animal...

Sing along. Animal, animal, animal...

A bit louder, come on. Animal, animal, yep.

OK, does the birthday girl want to come up and open the first crate?

KNOCKING

Ah! In the royal box.

Right then, what's in the crate?

-Any guesses?

-A dog.

-No, it's not a dog.

-A hamster.

An elephant? You need a licence for that.

-A hippo.

-It's not a hippo, look at the size of it.

OK, you're not getting it. I'm going to give you a clue.

What makes this sound...

Meow!

ALL: A cat!

That's right.

There we go. Oh, there we are.

Look.

Oh. That one's gone.

That happens.

Right, OK. So what's in the next crate?

Surprise us.

-Pardon?

-Nothing.

Hi.

OK. So, any guesses on this one?

-A dog!

-Tiger!

Here's the clue - the clue is what makes this sound...?

Sss-sssss!

-Snake. ALL:

-A snake!

Nay, it is...

a...

Siamese cat!

Yay!

Oh, my God. It's not even Siamese.

-IN HIGH VOICE:

-Ha-wo.

And it goes like this... "Look at me!"

Through it goes! Yes! Big round of applause.

OK. What's in this crate?

It is, come on out! Surprise, everybody.

It's a cat!

Oh, it's a cat.

Woohoo!

It's a whole cat.

Oh, a nice British one.

Is it just cats?

-I need a top-up.

-"Half hour show was promised -

"run out of steam at the 13-minute point.

"This is a very cat-heavy show.

"Not unfun."

OK, if you say so.

"But if you don't like cats, perhaps give it a swerve."

Kev, forget about him.

Just getting a wine for Sylvie.

Yeah, sure, as long as Sylvie's OK.

Well, you invited her, Julia.

Shit!

Because I felt sorry for her, being friends with bloody you.

If there's anything I can do to help, do say.

Is there anything you can do to help? Is there anything you can do to help?!

Mother, I haven't got time to give you instructions.

You need to use your initiative. Just do it.

Did your wife see you cleaning the other night, Kev?

What? Er, yeah.

Right.

I think I've worked out why she won't have sex with you.

There's only one sausage roll left out there.

Anne, the window.

God, yeah, sorry.

I feel like there's something wrong, Julia.

Everyone is picking up on it.

Has your husband left you?

Is that why Ivy's upstairs,

she won't come down, because she is too devastated?

No, he's just at the football.

Julia, I'm trying to help you.

I'm just trying to understand what is going on here.

I'm just trying to make a two-foot caterpillar cake.

Please, please stop trying to be something that you're not.

If nothing else,

it's just horrible to watch.

It's cake time!

CHEERING

Mother, what are you doing?

Using my initiative.

Got a new camera.

-Nice!

-Yeah, I used to take photos on my phone,

but then the battery overheated and melted the memory card.

-Oh, no.

-Yeah, I had photos going right back

to when my Darius was born.

I even had one of my grandfather holding Darius,

literally seconds before we switched off his life-support.

-Where's Ivy?

-Where's Ivy?!

Where is Ivy? For God's sake, Mother!

Where is she?

She's there.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear...Ivy... #

Right, I'm going to cut this in the kitchen, the way people do.

Er, it wasn't as moist as I'd hoped.

-Right. All packed up, then.

-Great.

So, is that everything, or what?

It's just that I normally get a bit of a thank-you.

Thank you.

No, I meant a tip.

Oh, well, if I'm honest, you were late,

and if I'm also honest, you were quite unimaginative.

Well, I think the kids really enjoyed all the animals.

HE SCOFFS

Sorry, what was that?

I said...

HE SCOFFS

Sorry, have you got something to say?

Cos I heard all your sarky comments during the show.

Show?!

All right, mate. I don't know what your issue is.

-But I...

-I'm not going to get into it here in front of children

-and mothers, mate.

-OK, fine, let's take it outside, then.

Fine, front or back.

What?

Front door or back door, because it would be stupid

if I went to the garden and you went to the street.

The front, then, cos that is where my van is parked.

Leave it, Kevin, he's not worth it.

It's all right, love, I've got thi...

I know you. You owe me money.

-No, I don't.

-You do.

-I didn't pay you because your act is terrible.

And you're racist.

If your act was amazing, I'd put up with a tiny bit of racism.

But your act is shit.

It's just cats, mate.

Don't call yourself Animal Man if you just have cats.

Call yourself Cat Man.

Bloody Cat Man Do, there you go - that's a great name.

You can have that. That's got to be worth 50 quid.

Look, I will pay you what she owes you. Can you just leave?

No, I'm dealing with this.

You go upstairs and look after your sick kid.

Ivy's sick?

Julia, why didn't you cancel the party?

Well, why didn't you just not come?

Anyway. It was supposed to be a drop-off, so, you know,

quid pro quo.

Kevin, if you could just hand out the party bags, thank you.

Thanks for clearing up, Mum.

-That's all right.

-I feel terrible.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Kids get sick. Mothers make mistakes.

Come here.

Can you babysit next week?

No.

Unbelievable!