Episode 2 Motherland


Episode 2

Sitcom. A school fundraiser is not Julia's idea of an evening out but somehow she finds herself heavily involved in order to impress a former colleague and new mum crush.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

It's so lovely to finally meet you.

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Yeah, great, likewise.

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God, doesn't the smell of school

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make you want to kill yourself?

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-Where's Marion tonight?

-Your guess is as good as mine.

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Apparently my mother no longer has any interest in maintaining

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the welfare of my children. Look... I can't... I can't be here long,

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I've got a massive thing to prep for work,

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so if you could just sort of stick to the headlines.

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Just the lowdown.

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Like, a sneak peek, I suppose.

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Basically, what would the trailer be for this parents' evening?

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I'm not sure, if you don't mind me saying,

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I don't really understand your parenting style.

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Because you're never here, and when you are, you're late,

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and you barely get involved in any of the school activities so...

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OK, OK. I think I know what this is about.

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Is this because I forgot to buy you a bottle of wine at Christmas?

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-No, it's because...

-If it is,

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I really don't think that's very fair, because I didn't know

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about the present-giving culture at this school.

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-It's not.

-What do you want me to do?

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Do you want me to bring you an apple every day?

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Do you want me to tip you at Christmas, like the binmen?

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-Pardon?

-Oh, God, it's like a bloody racket here.

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What is this?! Can you all just back off a bit?

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It's not the Antiques Roadshow.

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Jesus!

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Anne's doing the drinks?

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Oh, for God's sake.

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Anne's measures are too small.

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It's not Glastonbury, Liz.

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Exactly! It's a bloody school fundraiser.

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We need alcohol, Kevin, proper measures.

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You were the one who said Anne should do the drinks last time.

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I was going by her being Irish, it's before I knew her.

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Am I going insane?

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That looks like Caroline Lacy.

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Caroline, yeah, Rueben's mum. Just come back from Thailand.

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Thailand for a family holiday - dear, oh, dear.

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Caroline Lacy goes to our school?

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-Hi, babe.

-Do you know her?

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Do I know her?! How do you NOT know her?

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I do know her - we're talking about her because we know her,

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-and you don't.

-Excuse me, Liz, I know her,

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we started with the same company together.

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We were quite close at one point.

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Until she won every bloody award going.

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Follow me, kids. Caroline!

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Hello! Hi.

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Hello, you! I didn't know you went to this school.

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Yeah! Yeah, I do. These are mine.

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What? I thought they were Marion's?

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No, no, that's my mother.

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-Oh! Love Marion.

-Who doesn't?

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Oh! Here we go. See you around.

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Yes, see you around!

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She remembered me!

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-Didn't say your name.

-What?

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Didn't she? I'm sure she did.

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No. Unless your name is "Around".

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INDISTINCT CHATTER

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SHE SCREECHES LAUGHING

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Is this You've Been Framed?

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No, no, that was my wedding.

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That's my dad.

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-Oh, God! That cake looks nice.

-Mm!

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I might go and get some cake, unless you want to share that with me?

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No, I want to eat all of it on my own.

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Pig!

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I think that's the meeting for the fundraiser.

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Shouldn't we be over there?

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I'm doing drinks, you're doing the cloakroom.

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Why do we need to go to a meeting?

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And don't complicate it, Kevin.

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They hate it when you complicate things.

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Why would you want to get involved?

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-Well, you have to do your bit.

-Do you, though, do you really?

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-Yeah, you do.

-Do you, though?

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-Yes.

-I'm just going to go over and...

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I'll just go over.

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Do you, though?

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Fundraiser!

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-THEY ALL GASP

-Kevin!

-I'm so sorry.

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-You frightened Anne.

-I'm all right.

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-I'm so sorry, Anne.

-I'm fine now.

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I'm just saying, you know...

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Here we go.

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Let's do it.

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Let's do it for all the kids who need this kind of specialised

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-equipment in the music room.

-You're doing the cloakroom, right?

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-Yes.

-Great.

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-See you tomorrow.

-Yes, yes. See you tomorrow.

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Oh, dear. What happened?

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I don't...

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..really know.

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-What's going on there?

-Charlie and Manus are best friends

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since Manus got a drone. So me and Cersei Lannister are being civil

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-for the children.

-Manus!

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That's weird.

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-What?

-Well, it's just whenever, um...

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No. Forget it. I'm being paranoid.

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-Go on, what is it? Tell me. Maybe I can...

-Well...

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Caroline!

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Hello! Again.

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Hi. Not working today?

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Not today, Spoken Orchid are pretty good with flexitime.

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Don't work Fridays, do half day Wednesdays.

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Essentially means I've got a three-day week.

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Oh, that's sick! That's brilliant.

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Yeah, it stops me running around like a mental patient.

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God, yeah, I imagine it does.

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Have you heard about this fundraiser?

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Oh, God.

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No way...

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-I'm organising it.

-..would I miss that,

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because I think we have to do our bit.

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As parents, we have to do our bit.

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-Got to.

-Anything I can do, just say the word.

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We're having a planning meeting, if you'd like to come to that.

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You bet I would! Any time.

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Over there.

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Oh, it's happening now.

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Er, OK, yeah. I'll just get my bits and bobs.

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She still hasn't said your name.

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Should...should Kevin come?

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Er...

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I'd like to take this opportunity to be a little bit creative,

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and think a little bit outside the box, as it were.

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Last year I was Nibbles King, do you remember?

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I had all the bags of crisps and nuts pinned to me.

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That was fun, wasn't it?

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But I thought this year, I'd go one better -

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human cloakroom.

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So everyone puts their coats on me,

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instead of hanging them up in the cloakroom.

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I wear everyone's coats!

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What a sight! And then when everyone's ready to go,

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the cloakroom comes to them.

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Let's say we charge £1 a coat.

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Why don't we just charge £1 a coat in the cloakroom?

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Why?!

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My God, Amanda.

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Why are there rainbows?

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Why is there Ant and Dec?

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Because it's fun.

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It's fun, goodness! Well, I'm going to do it anyway,

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so set up a normal cloakroom if you want.

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But it's going to have stiff competition

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from the human cloakroom.

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Let the battle of the cloakrooms commence!

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Caroline, I just noticed there's no tombola,

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and I usually do the tombola.

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Well, I just thought it didn't feel like a tombola sets the right tone,

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-if that makes sense?

-Sure. Of course.

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I mean, sorry, Amanda, I'm not blocking you.

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I just think we should be a bit more ambitious for this one.

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This fundraiser is close to my heart, as you know,

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with Rueben, and what the music room means to him.

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-Rueben's mythraxic.

-Oh, I'm so sorry.

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Oh, no, it means he's musically gifted.

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-Oh, how lovely.

-Well, I'm more than happy to melt into the background,

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Caroline. I don't know, maybe

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this year I could just...host it.

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MURMURING IN APPROVAL

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Is Liz really doing the drinks?

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Because her measures are demented. I mean, do you remember

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the last time she did them?

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No. I don't think anyone does.

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Ladies, ladies. Is everyone listening? Everyone?

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We're talking about prizes now.

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I really want to make sure we don't get the same old cake sale crap

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this year. Can't we just do something a bit fresher?

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Ooh! Ooh! Why don't we make it

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so that everyone gets a chance to host?

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That would be fun, wouldn't it?

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-We could all...

-We're doing prizes now, Kevin.

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Anyone have any ideas? About prizes?

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Just off the top of my head, we could do a, uh...

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..auction of promises.

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Like, you get a gardener to promise to trim your hedge, or something.

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-OK.

-They do it a lot at Hollywood events.

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Yeah, I love that.

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Like Richard Gere promises to go on his yacht.

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Ricky Martin does...

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..something. Uma Thurman auctioned a kiss at Cannes,

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and she made 200,000 or something mad.

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THEY GASP

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I love it. We're doing that.

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I agree. Let's do it.

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-I

-agree.

-Agreed!

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There she is!

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My saviour!

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Auction of promises - brilliant.

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Oh, please! It's great to be able to contribute to...

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-..this cause.

-Listen.

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Between ourselves, Spoken Orchid are looking for people at the moment.

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Just in case you want to pass along your resume.

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Great, I didn't even know that you were looking for people.

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You're coming tonight, right?

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Am I? I mean, I can.

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I mean, I definitely am.

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I love to do events at the school.

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I love being at school, out of hours.

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What do you think of this? We thought it would be fun

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to do a thermometer that showed how much money was coming in.

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-That is such fun.

-Would you mind knocking one up?

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Love to. No problem. I've got plenty of time for crafts.

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-You need to be able to see it from the back of the hall.

-OK!

-OK.

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Bye.

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Still didn't say your name.

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Perfect chance there, and all.

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Liz, she as good as offered me a job.

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She just wants to see your CV so she can find out your name.

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Hey, hey.

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-On the roof.

-Ugh, I'm an idiot.

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I won't argue with that! Joking!

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It happens to the best of us.

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-Did you see that?

-Huh?

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Caroline Lacy, yeah. She's with Spoken Orchid.

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Spoken Orchid. I mean, this could be so useful for us, Paul -

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I mean, me especially.

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I mean, the flexitime alone could change my life.

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I mean, if you could just have them for an hour or so,

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-that would be great. What do you think?

-Julia, I can't.

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I think this thing's going to go on for another couple of hours.

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Sorry, what is it again?

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It's just some team-building bollocks, it never ends.

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Baby, I'd better go.

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Good luck with the baby-sitter - whatever you want to do,

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I'm right behind you.

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-Will you be long?

-Not at all.

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It will be like I've barely left.

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Help yourself to beers, the kids are asleep, so...

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I'm not much of a night owl.

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Oh, dear. What will keep you awake?

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Sherry? Literally, help yourself to anything.

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I can't be up late.

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And you won't be, Barbara.

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You know, if you're feeling tired, feel free to have a lie-down.

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Oh, don't look so worried.

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My mother is dead old, she did this for years.

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Do you like MasterChef?

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Let's get a bit of MasterChef on.

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There you go. Egg Wallace. Have fun.

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Fantastic.

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Actually, if you could help me pop that on, maybe. Brilliant.

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Tickets, tickets?

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I'll remember, it's fine. I'll remember.

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-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-It's fun, isn't it?

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You all right? You look very uncomfortable.

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Oh, no, having a great time.

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It's fun, isn't it? Isn't it fun?

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Everyone's responding really well to it.

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You look like you're melting.

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-Do you want some water?

-Oh, yeah, sure.

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I can't bend my arm.

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PHONE RINGTONE

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Someone's phone's ringing.

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-Don't touch anything, Anne.

-I was just looking.

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Oh, hey, go easy there now.

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Your measures are very large.

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They're not, they're normal.

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Normal for a school fundraiser.

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Yeah, well, just don't get high off your own supply

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and start acting the giddy goat.

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-Oh, shush.

-Last time you did the drinks, I woke up in the park.

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My husband was furious.

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What is that anyway?

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-I don't know. Sangria?

-What is sangria? Red wine?

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Anything. Sangria's red wine and anything.

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In Spanish, sangria means "any old shit".

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Can I have some alcohol, please? I don't care what.

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-I've got just the thing.

-Look, I'm manning the thermometer now.

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I made it, and I'm working it all night.

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It's like building your own gallows.

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I want to be able to get straight home.

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I've got this sleepy-looking old woman looking after the kids.

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God, I wish he hadn't put my coat on first.

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Uh-oh! The drinks are out already.

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I'd better get a move on before you're all legless!

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OK. Now.

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Can I get a "hey, girl"?

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Hey, girl. No? OK...

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OK, welcome, everybody.

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Are we going to have fun?

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OK, well, the answer to that question is, you bet we are.

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Now. We're going to do things a little bit differently this year.

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We're doing an auction of promises.

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Oooh!

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Yeah, just pop your promise on a piece of paper, anything you like,

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and stick it in the box.

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As you know, it's for a good cause.

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We've been trying to get a Yamaha keyboard for the music room

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for a few years.

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Now...

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I can see there's only two promises in here so far

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so, come on, everybody, let's get those promises in!

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OK. Thank you.

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Have you noticed how Amanda hoses herself down

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-every time she interacts with me and my kids?

-Does she?

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I thought I was imagining it at first, but, yeah.

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What are you eating? Are those onion rings?

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-Where did you find those?

-Found them in the back.

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Oh, from 2002.

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They're 15 years old?!

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It's fine. They are 90% E numbers.

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These crisps will outlive us.

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Go on, then. God, no wonder Amanda thinks you're Dirty Jezzy.

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A dirty jezzy?

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Oh, my dad used to say it.

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Short for Jezebel. We were watching Top Of The Pops and he'd say,

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"Look at those dirty jezzies."

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Exactly, she thinks I'm a dirty jezzy.

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Oh, don't let it get to you.

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Look, if she was a REAL friend, then it might mean something but...

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Coming, Caroline.

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Would you like a drink, Amanda?

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I never drink when I'm performing.

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-Here you go.

-Great.

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Do you want to... You can just pop them in the box yourself.

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No, you only have to do one.

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-Oh, no. I'm doing Kevin and Julia's for them.

-OK.

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Don't worry. I barely touched them.

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Sorry?

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-Did you think I was funny?

-Yeah, funny!

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OK, everybody, I think that's everyone now.

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Let's get this show on the road!

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APPLAUSE

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Yay, thanks, Caroline!

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OK, and our first one is...

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Keith Carter.

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Where's Keith? There he is.

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Hello, Keith. And Keith says he'll do a...

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..portrait of your pet.

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That sounds rather lovely.

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Um, shall we start the bidding at £10?

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Anyone? £10.

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Keith, if someone doesn't have a pet, would you do a family member?

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Um, I can't do hands.

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OK.

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-£10.

-And we're off.

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APPLAUSE

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There you are.

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I've had three people asking for you -

0:16:580:17:00

could you please just hang everything up in the cloakroom.

0:17:000:17:03

Caroline, are you kidding?!

0:17:030:17:05

I've had a brilliant response to the human cloakroom from...

0:17:050:17:09

..Keith and...

0:17:090:17:11

Keith just loved it.

0:17:120:17:14

Now, if you'll excuse me.

0:17:140:17:16

I need some water.

0:17:160:17:19

Fantastic, Samantha! There you go. Congratulations!

0:17:230:17:26

Free haircuts for a week. I wish I'd bid on that one.

0:17:300:17:33

Free haircuts for a week?

0:17:330:17:34

Isn't that just one haircut?

0:17:340:17:36

Ah, this next one is... very exciting.

0:17:380:17:44

Kevin Brady.

0:17:440:17:46

Where's Kevin?

0:17:460:17:47

Kevin.

0:17:480:17:49

Um, Kevin has offered a couple's massage.

0:17:510:17:54

Would anyone like a couples massage from Kevin Brady?

0:17:540:17:58

I didn't put that in.

0:17:580:18:01

I'll do it if you want, but I haven't got any training.

0:18:010:18:05

I put it in. I put a few in.

0:18:050:18:08

Kevin, I presume that you'll come to someone's house,

0:18:080:18:10

or do they have to come to you?

0:18:100:18:12

OK. Well, we can work that out later.

0:18:140:18:17

Shall we start the bidding at...

0:18:170:18:18

..£25?

0:18:200:18:22

Anyone?

0:18:220:18:24

£25?

0:18:240:18:25

Come on, who's up for a lovely couple's massage?

0:18:250:18:29

With Kevin.

0:18:290:18:31

Give me a drink.

0:18:310:18:33

No-one's bidding on this shit.

0:18:330:18:35

No offence, Kevin, but come on.

0:18:350:18:37

Well, I didn't write it, Liz did.

0:18:370:18:39

You've been very generous so far.

0:18:420:18:44

Christ, Anne! What is in that?!

0:18:440:18:47

-Liz made it.

-We can do this. I'm watching this thermometer.

0:18:470:18:50

If someone bids on this, you have to do it, Liz.

0:18:500:18:53

I'm not giving a couple a massage.

0:18:530:18:55

OK, well, no bids on that one yet.

0:18:550:18:59

Maybe we'll come back for it later.

0:18:590:19:01

But thank you anyway, Kevin.

0:19:010:19:04

Ladies and gentlemen.

0:19:040:19:05

I still haven't done my one yet.

0:19:090:19:11

Um... Hmm...

0:19:110:19:13

I know.

0:19:150:19:16

OK.

0:19:180:19:19

Just a little surprise for later.

0:19:260:19:28

You saw me after I had the sports jacket?

0:19:290:19:32

I think I had the blue anorak on when I saw you.

0:19:320:19:37

That's here. How could I have got to this one,

0:19:370:19:39

and not got to your one?

0:19:390:19:41

Oh, wait. I had to take them all off

0:19:430:19:45

when I went to the toilet.

0:19:450:19:48

PHONE RINGTONE

0:19:480:19:49

Someone's...phone's ringing.

0:19:490:19:51

So that's £45 for a meal for two at Alfresco's,

0:19:530:19:57

courtesy of Giuseppe and Lorna!

0:19:570:19:59

Thanks, L and G, and congratulations, Nicky.

0:19:590:20:02

Enjoy those dough balls.

0:20:020:20:04

Uh-oh!

0:20:060:20:07

This is my one.

0:20:090:20:10

Um, I can't believe I did this.

0:20:100:20:13

Anyway. Bit of fun.

0:20:130:20:15

Um...

0:20:150:20:16

I auction...

0:20:200:20:21

..a kiss.

0:20:230:20:25

That's right.

0:20:260:20:27

A kiss to the highest bidder.

0:20:290:20:32

Shall we start the bidding at £50?

0:20:340:20:36

Who wants a kiss for £50?

0:20:360:20:40

Anyone? A kiss from a lady.

0:20:430:20:46

Oh, come on, don't be shy.

0:20:490:20:50

This is for charity.

0:20:500:20:52

Anyone? Any bids?

0:20:520:20:55

50 pence.

0:20:550:20:56

Thanks, Liz. Any raise on 50 pence?

0:20:580:21:03

Hmm?

0:21:030:21:04

Come on, everyone. This is for children, for the music block.

0:21:040:21:07

We can get those keyboards.

0:21:070:21:09

We're so close, come on.

0:21:090:21:11

Anyone?

0:21:110:21:13

-£1.

-No-one raised it.

0:21:130:21:15

Oh, 50 pence still.

0:21:150:21:17

50 pence still. Still 50 pence.

0:21:170:21:20

Any raise over 50 pence?

0:21:200:21:23

£1?

0:21:240:21:26

Does anyone want to bid £1?

0:21:260:21:28

-£1.

-No-one raised it!

0:21:280:21:30

Oh, sorry. Sorry, that's it, isn't it?

0:21:300:21:32

Have I won? No-one else is bidding on it.

0:21:320:21:35

Who else? OK, well.

0:21:350:21:37

I think that Liz is having a little bit of fun with me right now,

0:21:370:21:41

because I don't think that 50...

0:21:410:21:43

MURMURING

0:21:450:21:47

-PHONE RINGTONE

-There's that phone again.

0:22:170:22:19

Can somebody help me find it?

0:22:220:22:24

Look, I really need to leave.

0:22:240:22:26

Let's make a real push to get our target up.

0:22:260:22:30

We are so close, guys, to getting this keyboard.

0:22:300:22:34

I know how important music is to our kids - my son, Reuben,

0:22:350:22:40

is very musically gifted.

0:22:400:22:42

And he really found his voice when he got his first euphonium.

0:22:420:22:45

Which, for those of you who don't know, is a dinky little tuba.

0:22:450:22:48

So let's dig deep, and shell out.

0:22:480:22:54

Can I... Can I grab that for a minute?

0:22:540:22:56

Sorry. I just wanted to take this opportunity to ask the parents,

0:22:560:23:01

and everybody here,

0:23:010:23:02

to give a massive round of applause

0:23:020:23:05

to Miss Caroline Lacy, who has

0:23:050:23:08

organised this whole bloody thing.

0:23:080:23:10

Caroline Lacy.

0:23:100:23:12

Thank you. So much.

0:23:160:23:19

Shall I do the next promise?

0:23:190:23:21

Yeah.

0:23:210:23:22

Oh! This one is from Julia Johnston...

0:23:220:23:28

Where's Julia?

0:23:280:23:29

Um...I'm Julia.

0:23:300:23:33

Julia.

0:23:330:23:34

Of course.

0:23:360:23:38

Oh, my goodness. This is an interesting one!

0:23:380:23:40

Maid for a week...

0:23:400:23:44

You're going to be someone's maid for a whole week?

0:23:440:23:47

That's wonderful! Oh, my God!

0:23:470:23:50

Julia, thank you.

0:23:500:23:52

-What?

-That's so good of you.

0:23:520:23:55

Sorry, I don't know what's happening now.

0:23:550:23:57

I think this is a bit of a special one, so shall we start it at £25?

0:23:570:24:00

-£25.

-£25! Already!

-I don't know what's happening now.

0:24:000:24:04

Any advance on 25?

0:24:040:24:05

-£30.

-Anyone else like to bid on Julia being your maid

0:24:050:24:10

for a whole week?

0:24:100:24:12

I presume that's weekdays, Julia?

0:24:120:24:14

No, I can't be a maid for a week, I...

0:24:140:24:17

Any more for any more?

0:24:170:24:18

I can't do the thing that I'm moving the arrow for.

0:24:180:24:20

-£50.

-50, thank you!

0:24:200:24:23

That's wrong as an amount, because I...

0:24:230:24:25

-I can't...

-£100!

-Thank you!

0:24:250:24:27

-200!

-Thank you!

0:24:270:24:29

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

0:24:300:24:33

we did it. We hit the target, we did it!

0:24:330:24:37

We didn't do it, no. No, no, no, no. We didn't do it.

0:24:390:24:43

We didn't do it. I can't be a maid for a week.

0:24:430:24:46

I can't do this. I didn't write this.

0:24:460:24:49

This isn't me. I didn't do this. I didn't write this. Can I see that?

0:24:490:24:52

Can I see that? Can I see it?

0:24:520:24:54

Can I see it? Thank you. This isn't my handwriting.

0:24:540:24:56

Who wrote this? Liz?

0:24:560:24:58

I'm so sorry. I can't commit to this.

0:24:580:25:01

This is some kind of, someone's idea of a very funny joke.

0:25:010:25:05

I'm a working mother, and I can't possibly be a maid for a week.

0:25:050:25:12

Maybe I could do a Saturday. But I definitely can't do this Saturday,

0:25:140:25:17

because we have to go and see my husband's family this Saturday.

0:25:170:25:21

But I could check my iCal,

0:25:210:25:22

there might be a Saturday at the end of September.

0:25:220:25:25

But that would have to be a very, very light pencil.

0:25:250:25:27

I'm so sorry. It's just the practicalities of...

0:25:280:25:31

I'll tell you what. Listen. Why don't we just...

0:25:330:25:36

Let's take it off the table, off the table, off the table, off the table.

0:25:360:25:40

Let's start again. Let's start again.

0:25:400:25:42

Caroline, what's the next promise?

0:25:420:25:43

Julia, please can I have the microphone back?

0:25:430:25:45

No. I'll bid on it.

0:25:450:25:47

Whatever it is, I will bid on it, let's have a little look in the box.

0:25:470:25:50

And we have two nights in a cottage in Margate.

0:25:500:25:52

What do we need for the total? We need £200.

0:25:520:25:55

I'll pay 200!

0:25:550:25:56

I'll pay £200!

0:25:560:25:58

Boom! And we've done it!

0:25:580:26:02

We've done it, everybody.

0:26:030:26:05

Can I get a "whoop, whoop"!

0:26:050:26:07

Whoop, whoop!

0:26:090:26:10

We did it!

0:26:150:26:17

Thank you, Julia.

0:26:170:26:19

No problem.

0:26:190:26:20

It's for a great cause.

0:26:200:26:22

I can't believe I just spent £200 on a shit hole in Margate.

0:26:220:26:25

That's my summer home. That was my promise.

0:26:250:26:27

I've a message for the owner of the teal Alice coat.

0:26:340:26:39

Um, your phone went off numerous times.

0:26:390:26:43

Apparently there's been a flood in your bathroom.

0:26:440:26:47

The people downstairs have gone to a hotel for the night.

0:26:490:26:53

Your children are safe, the baby-sitter's safe.

0:26:530:26:56

The fire brigade have been around,

0:26:560:26:58

so there's nothing to worry about there.

0:26:580:27:00

The cat is unaccounted for,

0:27:000:27:02

but it's unlikely there is a sad ending.

0:27:020:27:06

You know cats.

0:27:060:27:08

But unfortunately, it doesn't sound like the hallway rug is salvageable.

0:27:080:27:12

So... So hit me up at the back of the hall, if you want to call Jenny.

0:27:120:27:17

Although she says there's not a lot you can do about it now, so...

0:27:180:27:22

..so enjoy your evening.

0:27:230:27:24

Um...

0:27:270:27:29

Although the evening is, of course, over.

0:27:290:27:32

A school fundraiser is not Julia's idea of an evening out but somehow she finds herself heavily involved in order to impress a former colleague and new mum crush.

Kevin has a battle with the cloakroom and despite Anne's protests, Liz takes care of the bar.