Episode 2 Motherland

It's so lovely to finally meet you.

Yeah, great, likewise.

God, doesn't the smell of school

make you want to kill yourself?

-Where's Marion tonight?

-Your guess is as good as mine.

Apparently my mother no longer has any interest in maintaining

the welfare of my children. Look... I can't... I can't be here long,

I've got a massive thing to prep for work,

so if you could just sort of stick to the headlines.

Just the lowdown.

Like, a sneak peek, I suppose.

Basically, what would the trailer be for this parents' evening?

I'm not sure, if you don't mind me saying,

I don't really understand your parenting style.

Because you're never here, and when you are, you're late,

and you barely get involved in any of the school activities so...

OK, OK. I think I know what this is about.

Is this because I forgot to buy you a bottle of wine at Christmas?

-No, it's because...

-If it is,

I really don't think that's very fair, because I didn't know

about the present-giving culture at this school.

-It's not.

-What do you want me to do?

Do you want me to bring you an apple every day?

Do you want me to tip you at Christmas, like the binmen?

-Pardon?

-Oh, God, it's like a bloody racket here.

What is this?! Can you all just back off a bit?

It's not the Antiques Roadshow.

Jesus!

Anne's doing the drinks?

Oh, for God's sake.

Anne's measures are too small.

It's not Glastonbury, Liz.

Exactly! It's a bloody school fundraiser.

We need alcohol, Kevin, proper measures.

You were the one who said Anne should do the drinks last time.

I was going by her being Irish, it's before I knew her.

Am I going insane?

That looks like Caroline Lacy.

Caroline, yeah, Reuben's mum. Just come back from Thailand.

Thailand for a family holiday - dear, oh, dear.

Caroline Lacy goes to our school?

-Hi, babe.

-Do you know her?

Do I know her?! How do you NOT know her?

I do know her - we're talking about her because we know her,

-and you don't.

-Excuse me, Liz, I know her,

we started with the same company together.

We were quite close at one point.

Until she won every bloody award going.

Follow me, kids. Caroline!

Hello! Hi.

Hello, you! I didn't know you went to this school.

Yeah! Yeah, I do. These are mine.

What? I thought they were Marion's?

No, no, that's my mother.

-Oh! Love Marion.

-Who doesn't?

Oh! Here we go. See you around.

Yes, see you around!

She remembered me!

-Didn't say your name.

-What?

Didn't she? I'm sure she did.

No. Unless your name is "Around".

INDISTINCT CHATTER

SHE SCREECHES LAUGHING

Is this You've Been Framed?

No, no, that was my wedding.

That's my dad.

-Oh, God! That cake looks nice.

-Mm!

I might go and get some cake, unless you want to share that with me?

No, I want to eat all of it on my own.

Pig!

I think that's the meeting for the fundraiser.

Shouldn't we be over there?

I'm doing drinks, you're doing the cloakroom.

Why do we need to go to a meeting?

And don't complicate it, Kevin.

They hate it when you complicate things.

Why would you want to get involved?

-Well, you have to do your bit.

-Do you, though, do you really?

-Yeah, you do.

-Do you, though?

-Yes.

-I'm just going to go over and...

I'll just go over.

Do you, though?

Fundraiser!

-THEY ALL GASP

-Kevin!

-I'm so sorry.

-You frightened Anne.

-I'm all right.

-I'm so sorry, Anne.

-I'm fine now.

I'm just saying, you know...

Here we go.

Let's do it.

Let's do it for all the kids who need this kind of specialised

-equipment in the music room.

-You're doing the cloakroom, right?

-Yes.

-Great.

-See you tomorrow.

-Yes, yes. See you tomorrow.

Oh, dear. What happened?

I don't...

..really know.

-What's going on there?

-Charlie and Manus are best friends

since Manus got a drone. So me and Cersei Lannister are being civil

-for the children.

-Manus!

That's weird.

-What?

-Well, it's just whenever, um...

No. Forget it. I'm being paranoid.

-Go on, what is it? Tell me. Maybe I can...

-Well...

Caroline!

Hello! Again.

Hi. Not working today?

Not today, Spoken Orchid are pretty good with flexitime.

Don't work Fridays, do half day Wednesdays.

Essentially means I've got a three-day week.

Oh, that's sick! That's brilliant.

Yeah, it stops me running around like a mental patient.

God, yeah, I imagine it does.

Have you heard about this fundraiser?

Oh, God.

No way...

-I'm organising it.

-..would I miss that,

because I think we have to do our bit.

As parents, we have to do our bit.

-Got to.

-Anything I can do, just say the word.

We're having a planning meeting, if you'd like to come to that.

You bet I would! Any time.

Over there.

Oh, it's happening now.

Er, OK, yeah. I'll just get my bits and bobs.

She still hasn't said your name.

Should...should Kevin come?

Er...

I'd like to take this opportunity to be a little bit creative,

and think a little bit outside the box, as it were.

Last year I was Nibbles King, do you remember?

I had all the bags of crisps and nuts pinned to me.

That was fun, wasn't it?

But I thought this year, I'd go one better -

human cloakroom.

So everyone puts their coats on me,

instead of hanging them up in the cloakroom.

I wear everyone's coats!

What a sight! And then when everyone's ready to go,

the cloakroom comes to them.

Let's say we charge £1 a coat.

Why don't we just charge £1 a coat in the cloakroom?

Why?!

My God, Amanda.

Why are there rainbows?

Why is there Ant and Dec?

Because it's fun.

It's fun, goodness! Well, I'm going to do it anyway,

so set up a normal cloakroom if you want.

But it's going to have stiff competition

from the human cloakroom.

Let the battle of the cloakrooms commence!

Caroline, I just noticed there's no tombola,

and I usually do the tombola.

Well, I just thought it didn't feel like a tombola sets the right tone,

-if that makes sense?

-Sure. Of course.

I mean, sorry, Amanda, I'm not blocking you.

I just think we should be a bit more ambitious for this one.

This fundraiser is close to my heart, as you know,

with Reuben, and what the music room means to him.

-Reuben's mythraxic.

-Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, it means he's musically gifted.

-Oh, how lovely.

-Well, I'm more than happy to melt into the background,

Caroline. I don't know, maybe

this year I could just...host it.

MURMURING IN APPROVAL

Is Liz really doing the drinks?

Because her measures are demented. I mean, do you remember

the last time she did them?

No. I don't think anyone does.

Ladies, ladies. Is everyone listening? Everyone?

We're talking about prizes now.

I really want to make sure we don't get the same old cake sale crap

this year. Can't we just do something a bit fresher?

Ooh! Ooh! Why don't we make it

so that everyone gets a chance to host?

That would be fun, wouldn't it?

-We could all...

-We're doing prizes now, Kevin.

Anyone have any ideas? About prizes?

Just off the top of my head, we could do a, uh...

..auction of promises.

Like, you get a gardener to promise to trim your hedge, or something.

-OK.

-They do it a lot at Hollywood events.

Yeah, I love that.

Like Richard Gere promises to go on his yacht.

Ricky Martin does...

..something. Uma Thurman auctioned a kiss at Cannes,

and she made 200,000 or something mad.

THEY GASP

I love it. We're doing that.

I agree. Let's do it.

-I

-agree.

-Agreed!

There she is!

My saviour!

Auction of promises - brilliant.

Oh, please! It's great to be able to contribute to...

-..this cause.

-Listen.

Between ourselves, Spoken Orchid are looking for people at the moment.

Just in case you want to pass along your resume.

Great, I didn't even know that you were looking for people.

You're coming tonight, right?

Am I? I mean, I can.

I mean, I definitely am.

I love to do events at the school.

I love being at school, out of hours.

What do you think of this? We thought it would be fun

to do a thermometer that showed how much money was coming in.

-That is such fun.

-Would you mind knocking one up?

Love to. No problem. I've got plenty of time for crafts.

-You need to be able to see it from the back of the hall.

-OK!

-OK.

Bye.

Still didn't say your name.

Perfect chance there, and all.

Liz, she as good as offered me a job.

She just wants to see your CV so she can find out your name.

Hey, hey.

-On the roof.

-Ugh, I'm an idiot.

I won't argue with that! Joking!

It happens to the best of us.

-Did you see that?

-Huh?

Caroline Lacy, yeah. She's with Spoken Orchid.

Spoken Orchid. I mean, this could be so useful for us, Paul -

I mean, me especially.

I mean, the flexitime alone could change my life.

I mean, if you could just have them for an hour or so,

-that would be great. What do you think?

-Julia, I can't.

I think this thing's going to go on for another couple of hours.

Sorry, what is it again?

It's just some team-building bollocks, it never ends.

Baby, I'd better go.

Good luck with the baby-sitter - whatever you want to do,

I'm right behind you.

-Will you be long?

-Not at all.

It will be like I've barely left.

Help yourself to beers, the kids are asleep, so...

I'm not much of a night owl.

Oh, dear. What will keep you awake?

Sherry? Literally, help yourself to anything.

I can't be up late.

And you won't be, Barbara.

You know, if you're feeling tired, feel free to have a lie-down.

Oh, don't look so worried.

My mother is dead old, she did this for years.

Do you like MasterChef?

Let's get a bit of MasterChef on.

There you go. Egg Wallace. Have fun.

Fantastic.

Actually, if you could help me pop that on, maybe. Brilliant.

Tickets, tickets?

I'll remember, it's fine. I'll remember.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-It's fun, isn't it?

You all right? You look very uncomfortable.

Oh, no, having a great time.

It's fun, isn't it? Isn't it fun?

Everyone's responding really well to it.

You look like you're melting.

-Do you want some water?

-Oh, yeah, sure.

I can't bend my arm.

PHONE RINGTONE

Someone's phone's ringing.

-Don't touch anything, Anne.

-I was just looking.

Oh, hey, go easy there now.

Your measures are very large.

They're not, they're normal.

Normal for a school fundraiser.

Yeah, well, just don't get high off your own supply

and start acting the giddy goat.

-Oh, shush.

-Last time you did the drinks, I woke up in the park.

My husband was furious.

What is that anyway?

-I don't know. Sangria?

-What is sangria? Red wine?

Anything. Sangria's red wine and anything.

In Spanish, sangria means "any old shit".

Can I have some alcohol, please? I don't care what.

-I've got just the thing.

-Look, I'm manning the thermometer now.

I made it, and I'm working it all night.

It's like building your own gallows.

I want to be able to get straight home.

I've got this sleepy-looking old woman looking after the kids.

God, I wish he hadn't put my coat on first.

Uh-oh! The drinks are out already.

I'd better get a move on before you're all legless!

OK. Now.

Can I get a "hey, girl"?

Hey, girl. No? OK...

OK, welcome, everybody.

Are we going to have fun?

OK, well, the answer to that question is, you bet we are.

Now. We're going to do things a little bit differently this year.

We're doing an auction of promises.

Oooh!

Yeah, just pop your promise on a piece of paper, anything you like,

and stick it in the box.

As you know, it's for a good cause.

We've been trying to get a Yamaha keyboard for the music room

for a few years.

Now...

I can see there's only two promises in here so far

so, come on, everybody, let's get those promises in!

OK. Thank you.

Have you noticed how Amanda hoses herself down

-every time she interacts with me and my kids?

-Does she?

I thought I was imagining it at first, but, yeah.

What are you eating? Are those onion rings?

-Where did you find those?

-Found them in the back.

Oh, from 2002.

They're 15 years old?!

It's fine. They are 90% E numbers.

These crisps will outlive us.

Go on, then. God, no wonder Amanda thinks you're Dirty Jezzy.

A dirty jezzy?

Oh, my dad used to say it.

Short for Jezebel. We were watching Top Of The Pops and he'd say,

"Look at those dirty jezzies."

Exactly, she thinks I'm a dirty jezzy.

Oh, don't let it get to you.

Look, if she was a REAL friend, then it might mean something but...

Coming, Caroline.

Would you like a drink, Amanda?

I never drink when I'm performing.

-Here you go.

-Great.

Do you want to... You can just pop them in the box yourself.

No, you only have to do one.

-Oh, no. I'm doing Kevin and Julia's for them.

-OK.

Don't worry. I barely touched them.

Sorry?

-Did you think I was funny?

-Yeah, funny!

OK, everybody, I think that's everyone now.

Let's get this show on the road!

APPLAUSE

Yay, thanks, Caroline!

OK, and our first one is...

Keith Carter.

Where's Keith? There he is.

Hello, Keith. And Keith says he'll do a...

..portrait of your pet.

That sounds rather lovely.

Um, shall we start the bidding at £10?

Anyone? £10.

Keith, if someone doesn't have a pet, would you do a family member?

Um, I can't do hands.

OK.

-£10.

-And we're off.

APPLAUSE

There you are.

I've had three people asking for you -

could you please just hang everything up in the cloakroom.

Caroline, are you kidding?!

I've had a brilliant response to the human cloakroom from...

..Keith and...

Keith just loved it.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I need some water.

Fantastic, Samantha! There you go. Congratulations!

Free haircuts for a week. I wish I'd bid on that one.

Free haircuts for a week?

Isn't that just one haircut?

Ah, this next one is... very exciting.

Kevin Brady.

Where's Kevin?

Kevin.

Um, Kevin has offered a couple's massage.

Would anyone like a couples massage from Kevin Brady?

I didn't put that in.

I'll do it if you want, but I haven't got any training.

I put it in. I put a few in.

Kevin, I presume that you'll come to someone's house,

or do they have to come to you?

OK. Well, we can work that out later.

Shall we start the bidding at...

..£25?

Anyone?

£25?

Come on, who's up for a lovely couple's massage?

With Kevin.

Give me a drink.

No-one's bidding on this shit.

No offence, Kevin, but come on.

Well, I didn't write it, Liz did.

You've been very generous so far.

Christ, Anne! What is in that?!

-Liz made it.

-We can do this. I'm watching this thermometer.

If someone bids on this, you have to do it, Liz.

I'm not giving a couple a massage.

OK, well, no bids on that one yet.

Maybe we'll come back for it later.

But thank you anyway, Kevin.

Ladies and gentlemen.

I still haven't done my one yet.

Um... Hmm...

I know.

OK.

Just a little surprise for later.

You saw me after I had the sports jacket?

I think I had the blue anorak on when I saw you.

That's here. How could I have got to this one,

and not got to your one?

Oh, wait. I had to take them all off

when I went to the toilet.

PHONE RINGTONE

Someone's...phone's ringing.

So that's £45 for a meal for two at Alfresco's,

courtesy of Giuseppe and Lorna!

Thanks, L and G, and congratulations, Nicky.

Enjoy those dough balls.

Uh-oh!

This is my one.

Um, I can't believe I did this.

Anyway. Bit of fun.

Um...

I auction...

..a kiss.

That's right.

A kiss to the highest bidder.

Shall we start the bidding at £50?

Who wants a kiss for £50?

Anyone? A kiss from a lady.

Oh, come on, don't be shy.

This is for charity.

Anyone? Any bids?

50 pence.

Thanks, Liz. Any raise on 50 pence?

Hmm?

Come on, everyone. This is for children, for the music block.

We can get those keyboards.

We're so close, come on.

Anyone?

-£1.

-No-one raised it.

Oh, 50 pence still.

50 pence still. Still 50 pence.

Any raise over 50 pence?

£1?

Does anyone want to bid £1?

-£1.

-No-one raised it!

Oh, sorry. Sorry, that's it, isn't it?

Have I won? No-one else is bidding on it.

Who else? OK, well.

I think that Liz is having a little bit of fun with me right now,

because I don't think that 50...

MURMURING

-PHONE RINGTONE

-There's that phone again.

Can somebody help me find it?

Look, I really need to leave.

Let's make a real push to get our target up.

We are so close, guys, to getting this keyboard.

I know how important music is to our kids - my son, Reuben,

is very musically gifted.

And he really found his voice when he got his first euphonium.

Which, for those of you who don't know, is a dinky little tuba.

So let's dig deep, and shell out.

Can I... Can I grab that for a minute?

Sorry. I just wanted to take this opportunity to ask the parents,

and everybody here,

to give a massive round of applause

to Miss Caroline Lacy, who has

organised this whole bloody thing.

Caroline Lacy.

Thank you. So much.

Shall I do the next promise?

Yeah.

Oh! This one is from Julia Johnston...

Where's Julia?

Um...I'm Julia.

Julia.

Of course.

Oh, my goodness. This is an interesting one!

Maid for a week...

You're going to be someone's maid for a whole week?

That's wonderful! Oh, my God!

Julia, thank you.

-What?

-That's so good of you.

Sorry, I don't know what's happening now.

I think this is a bit of a special one, so shall we start it at £25?

-£25.

-£25! Already!

-I don't know what's happening now.

Any advance on 25?

-£30.

-Anyone else like to bid on Julia being your maid

for a whole week?

I presume that's weekdays, Julia?

No, I can't be a maid for a week, I...

Any more for any more?

I can't do the thing that I'm moving the arrow for.

-£50.

-50, thank you!

That's wrong as an amount, because I...

-I can't...

-£100!

-Thank you!

-200!

-Thank you!

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

we did it. We hit the target, we did it!

We didn't do it, no. No, no, no, no. We didn't do it.

We didn't do it. I can't be a maid for a week.

I can't do this. I didn't write this.

This isn't me. I didn't do this. I didn't write this. Can I see that?

Can I see that? Can I see it?

Can I see it? Thank you. This isn't my handwriting.

Who wrote this? Liz?

I'm so sorry. I can't commit to this.

This is some kind of, someone's idea of a very funny joke.

I'm a working mother, and I can't possibly be a maid for a week.

Maybe I could do a Saturday. But I definitely can't do this Saturday,

because we have to go and see my husband's family this Saturday.

But I could check my iCal,

there might be a Saturday at the end of September.

But that would have to be a very, very light pencil.

I'm so sorry. It's just the practicalities of...

I'll tell you what. Listen. Why don't we just...

Let's take it off the table, off the table, off the table, off the table.

Let's start again. Let's start again.

Caroline, what's the next promise?

Julia, please can I have the microphone back?

No. I'll bid on it.

Whatever it is, I will bid on it, let's have a little look in the box.

And we have two nights in a cottage in Margate.

What do we need for the total? We need £200.

I'll pay 200!

I'll pay £200!

Boom! And we've done it!

We've done it, everybody.

Can I get a "whoop, whoop"!

Whoop, whoop!

We did it!

Thank you, Julia.

No problem.

It's for a great cause.

I can't believe I just spent £200 on a shit hole in Margate.

That's my summer home. That was my promise.

I've a message for the owner of the teal Alice coat.

Um, your phone went off numerous times.

Apparently there's been a flood in your bathroom.

The people downstairs have gone to a hotel for the night.

Your children are safe, the baby-sitter's safe.

The fire brigade have been around,

so there's nothing to worry about there.

The cat is unaccounted for,

but it's unlikely there is a sad ending.

You know cats.

But unfortunately, it doesn't sound like the hallway rug is salvageable.

So... So hit me up at the back of the hall, if you want to call Jenny.

Although she says there's not a lot you can do about it now, so...

..so enjoy your evening.

Um...

Although the evening is, of course, over.