Episode 3 Motherland

This programme contains some strong language

It would involve some light cleaning, light ironing and light cooking. Can you drive? Great.

Light driving. And would you want to live in or do you have a family

-of your own?

-No, I've got a family of my own.

-Two little boys. I have a photo.

-No, it's OK, I believe you.

Sorry, the agency didn't say. What would be your hourly rate?

It's 18 an hour, and in overtime it's 20 an hour.

-Net.

-Huh?

Yeah, well, London is expensive.

I'd be travelling in from Pinner, and then I've got to pay for

-childcare, and food...

-What, what, what do you do for childcare?

-Well, I've got a nanny, innit?

-You've got a nanny?

-Yeah.

-Of course.

-Sorry, just out of interest, what is her hourly rate?

What do you pay your nanny?

Not a lot, she's Irish.

Oh, right. So, just out of interest again, where, where did you find her?

From an agency called Mothers Help.

Are you writing this down in your phone?

No, no, no, I'm...

I'm just setting a reminder for something I need to do later.

So, what was the name of the agency again?

Mother's Help, it's on Fair Street in Pi...

-You are writing this down.

-OK, yes, sorry, I am, yes.

I'm sorry. Do you know how to get the bips off an iPhone 6S?

that bip noise, the bip, bip...

Oh, you're leaving? Oh, thank you so much for coming.

Actually, I do think Pinner is a bit of a schlep, so I'm afraid it's

-going to be a no from me.

-Yeah, no shit. It's a no from me, too!

That said, would you be interested in a nanny share at all?

You don't have to answer now. Just have a thinkety-think.

I've gone into settings, hold on.

Wait.

-Yeah, I've gone into settings.

-Control centre.

-Right.

-Sounds and haptics.

-Haptics?

Is that in settings? I've gone into settings.

Just bloody give it to me!

-Who is that guy?

-What? I don't know.

Is that little Sophia on his lap.

Where did he spring from?

Why is he at the big table?

Oh, shit, I missed a call from work!

I'm organising this really big event, a real step up.

I'm doing an onstage introduction with Malcolm Spender.

Who's Malcolm Spender?

I just assumed everyone knew who he was.

-The war photographer!

-Whatever.

Whatever?! What does that mean?

Do you know his work, Liz?

No, but war photographers...

LAUGHTER

Actually, I just need to talk to Amanda about the, uh...

I just need to tell them about...

Morning, ladies. Just an update...

On the old park fun run.

Apparently they were thinking about cancelling the under-12s 2K,

but, uh, I think they've changed their minds.

Just, just passing that along.

-Hello!

-HE LAUGHS

Amanda, are you going to introduce me to your new friend?

Kevin, this is Sophia's dad, James.

James is an old friend. God, we go back years, don't we?

We were both front of house at Bibendum back in the day, but he's

well past that now. Aren't you? You are.

He runs Bobble Nation, the online knitwear company,

and he's married to the very beautiful Tandy,

who's also a very dear friend of mine.

-JAMES CHUCKLES

-James, this is Kevin.

-Hi, Kevin.

-Hi, James.

I was just telling everyone about the under-12s 2K almost getting

cancelled, but anyway, you probably heard.

Nice to have another stay-at-home dad on the street.

-SAD.

-Huh?

-Stay-Athome Dad.

-SAD.

-SAD!

-LAUGHTER

Yes, I never, I never thought of that.

But I'm more of an out-and-about dad.

OAAD.

That's two things we've got in common, then.

-Oh, yes, what's that?

-Both sad and married to hotties.

Both bagged ourselves a couple of hot wives, by the sound of it.

Anyway, see you all at little Samantha's party tomorrow.

-We'll all be there.

-Yeah, we'll be there too, Kevin.

Great. And if you want to chat or to say hi, I'm usually at the...

-Toilet table.

-..that table.

-The toilet table.

-It's not the toilet table, Amanda.

It's next to the drinks.

-Oh.

-If anything, it's the fridge table.

HE FORCES A CHUCKLE

LIZ YAWNS

INDISTINCT CHATTER

I think it's cruel to call it a pool party, because when people say pool

party, you think, "Oh, Jonathan Ross's house."

Who, who does this deliberately?

Oh, no, I love a pool party!

Probably because I never went to them as a kid.

I never even got in a paddling pool until I was 15.

-What's Liz doing?

-Oh, she's found some guy's wallet.

I think she's trying to get it back to him.

-Hi, Liz.

-All right?

Why have you come as Hillary Clinton?

Oh! Uh, no, I just wanted to make a good impression on Malcolm,

the war photographer.

So, what's this? What's this? Why are you doing this?

Well, war photographers. They think they're all that, don't they?

Think they're all that? War photographers think they're all that?

Liz, he works in disaster zones.

He spends his whole life looking into the abyss.

Give me a break.

I'd hate to look into an abyss.

Did you find your wallet guy?

I just called him. He's going to text me when he's done with work and

we're going to meet. He does have a fit voice.

You know what else I like about him?

He has no loyalty cards at all.

Just got three cards. Gym, Visa, Oyster.

-Got to respect that.

-What does he do?

-I don't know.

-I'll text him.

-Kevin, mate,

you're all right to take mine back to yours after, yeah?

-I'll get you back.

-Oh, actually,

that would be great because I need tomorrow afternoon off to pick up my

mother-in-law. She had a nasty fall a few weeks ago and I have to take

her for a check-up at the hospital.

-Could you collect my kids after school?

-Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, yeah. I mean, I can't do that

tomorrow afternoon, but next time she has a nasty fall,

absolutely. Right, I'd better be going. Bye-bye. Bye, darlings.

-Where are you going?

-Huh? I've got to pick up some bits and bobs before

the event, some deodorant...

-No, no, you can't go.

-Sorry, what's she talking about?

You have to supervise at a pool party.

-What are you talking about?

-There's one adult per two kids.

-It's not a drop-off?

-No, it's not a drop-off!

Otherwise I wouldn't be standing here, inhaling verruca fumes.

Oh, come on!

Jesus. Right.

OK, it's fine.

It's fine. I'll just, I'll watch from the viewing platform and

then I'll leg it. It's...it's...

-fine.

-Boys and girls,

hands up if you're here for Samantha's birthday party.

OK, great, great. Mums and dads,

if I can get you all to just start to line up, and just as a reminder for health and safety,

I will need one adult in the water with every two non-swimmers, all right?

-What does she mean in the water?

-You'll have to get in the pool.

-What? No, you can do that.

-No, it's one adult per two non-swimmers.

I'm one adult, and there's four non-swimmers.

-Five.

-Yeah, but does anyone really count?

-Really?

-She does.

No, I can't do...

Look at me! I can't, I can't... Look at my hair, my jacket!

Maybe don't wear your suit in the pool.

Just try not to get your head in the water.

-I never do.

-Anyway, I don't, I don't have a swimsuit, so...

I've got my wife's costume in my bag.

The gusset sticker's still attached, so it's hygienic as hell.

Why have you got your wife's swimsuit?

-Just in case, I suppose.

-Have you got tampons in there as well?

-What size?

-OK, OK.

It's fine. It's fine.

I can dangle my legs in the water or I can stand at the side.

LIZ CHUCKLES

-He's a scaffolder.

-What's so funny?

Just the way he said it. "Scaffolder." Dry.

LOUD INDISTINCT CHATTER

This way, this way!

Excuse me. Mind your ears.

Push through, push through!

-Where should I put my jacket?

-Uh, just here, give it to me.

Yeah, look in the bag, sweetheart, look in the bag.

This is cool, this is cool. Get away from there, OK? Don't touch that!

Hangers!

Did anyone bring a hanger with them?

A wire one will do.

Anyone?

Shit!

Hello, Keith.

-All right?

-It's Kevin.

What's the first rule of swimming?

The first rule of swimming is always blow your armbands up at home.

Yeah, I've got this, actually.

I do usually pre-blow,

it's just I ran out of time, wrapping Samantha's present.

Oh, yes.

Nice togs, by the way.

Are they the pair that Nick Clegg wore on holiday that time?

-Yeah, they are, actually.

-Great casual dresser, Clegg.

Yeah, if I was a woman, I think he'd be my guilty crush.

-Or gay.

-What?

Well, if you were gay, he could be your guilty crush, too.

-Yeah, good one.

-HE FORCES A LAUGH

-See you out there.

-Yeah, see you out there.

Loser.

Excuse me!

Excuse me! Hello! Hello! Anyone there?

Please, could you? Thank you. BEEP

Hello, sorry, do you have long lockers?

-What?

-Long lockers.

Lockers that are long lockers, if you have something long that you

need to hang up. Full-length lockers, like a wardrobe.

It's just my jacket's getting very crumpled. It's a designer jacket.

Why are you wearing a designer jacket to a swimming pool?

-Do you have long lockers?

-No.

OK, thank you. Thank you for your help.

Thank you, good day to you.

Sorry, could you...could you just...

could you just...? Thank you. BEEP

Manus, just stay right where I can see you, OK?

-Have you seen James?

-Oh, I think I saw him heading to the men's, yeah.

Oh, we were supposed to meet outside. We go way back.

He's such a wonderful guy.

Very good friends with his wife Tandy, actually.

-Yeah, yeah, you said that when we were...

-Did he ask where I was?

-No.

Yes.

Oh, God, your legs look lovely and smooth, Samantha.

Oh, yeah.

Between you and me, I've had everything from here down

lasered off. Not a wisp.

-God, that's terrific!

-You should think about it, hon.

I don't want to miss wallet guy's call.

My plan is to meet outside a pub so when I give him his wallet back,

we can go into the pub, so it looks like I've got a date.

That's not a date. You've got his wallet. That's like a hostage.

If he still wants to meet you after you've given him the wallet back,

then, yeah, that's like a date.

I don't know. I'm really starting to like this guy, Julia.

Oh, God. Have you ever looked directly into the eye of a pool filter?

It's just full of pubes and... SHE GAGS

..skin and plasters.

Look, I've just got to look prepared to go in.

I'm just going to sit on the edge and look at the water.

Yeah, that'll definitely work.

Oh, look at you, all dolled up with your big hair.

It's not cos there's a certain new dad on the scene, is it?

What? No, no. I've got a work thing tonight.

-I've got a book launch.

-All right, calm down!

-SHE LAUGHS

You can give him a copy of your CV when he surfaces, Julia.

-Come on, Anne.

-Oh, sorry.

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-No phones in the pool!

Hang on, I'm just going to get this bloke to mind my phone.

-Can you look after my phone for me?

-No, absolutely not.

Aw, just for a bit. It's just that I'm waiting for a really important

-call.

-No, absolutely not.

-Aw, come on, mate.

-How about if I give you a tenner?

-All right.

Eeewwww!

Ugh! Ugh!

SHE SCREAMS

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-No bombing!

Thought you weren't getting in!

Liz!

Please, don't hit Daddy in the face with the dolphin.

Liz!

Say, "The Coach And Horses."

Say, "They do craft ales."

Do a dot-dot-dot, then, "Could be fun", question mark.

I could hold my breath for that long.

I have done many a time, when I get hiccups.

Which is every time I drink a cider.

Oh!

Eeewwww!

SHE YELPS

I don't like this at all.

Hello, Anne.

-Where's Darius, then?

-Oh,

we decided to keep him off swimming for the time being.

Yeah, he gets dermatosis from the floats.

-What, you've come here on your own?

-No, no, he's up there!

Do you know, I lost a ring in this pool late last year.

Yeah. I shed a lot of weight a while back because of the IBS,

and I must have lost 1lb off my hands and wrists alone,

which meant that my grandmother's ring just slipped off and

got sucked into a filter.

They actually named me after her, but, erm, she died

when I was about five days old.

So the only thing I have left of her now are these earrings which...

I don't want to make your day worse, but your tit's hanging out.

Excuse me one minute.

-Ah!

-What the hell is going on?

What are you doing? You gave me the fright of my life!

Did you follow me into a swimming pool?!

I'm not going to follow you, mother! I'm not psychotic!

You said you were busy all week. This isn't busy, this is swimming.

-It's exercise.

-No, it's not, you're barely moving!

It isn't my fault that you haven't organised your childcare.

You've got some cheek,

swimming up to me and saying that.

I haven't had time, mother,

because I have been busy looking after your grandchildren.

What's important now is that you're here,

so if you wouldn't mind taking over, then I can go and get...

-I'm not taking over, I'm exercising!

-Don't you swim away from me, mother!

Come back here!

Don't you swim away from me!

Hey, Kevin! Kevin! Do you want to join in the human wave machine?

I wrangled some of the bigger mums.

Don't do it, Kevin.

Yeah! Fine!

Whatever!

He's such a great guy.

Kevin?

Don't be ridiculous. James.

I'm his "the one that got away."

Crazy, I know.

Please don't tell anyone that. I turned him down years ago,

broke his heart a bit,

and then he got with his wife Tandy.

But I think he still has a bit of a thing for me.

Right, so, everybody, listen up.

On the count of three. You ready? One...

Two... Three!

Pull! Pull!

Pull!

Pull! Pull! Pull!

Pull! Pull! Pull!

Pull!

Kevin?

I've got you, man, don't worry.

It's all right. I've got you, there you go. There you go.

-It's all right. You all right, bud?

-Yes, I'm all right, bud!

-My God! Breathe, breathe!

-I didn't need to be saved!

I was out there enjoying the thrill of the current.

I don't jump in the pool every time, every time you go for a swim.

-HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

-It's OK, we've got you.

That's it, up you get.

HE BREATHES FRANTICALLY

Oh, oh! Oh!

I'm just worried that sounded a bit eager.

When did he last text?

-4:15.

-And when did I text?

-4:16.

-Liz!

-Did he ring?

Did my phone just...?

Oh. It's all gone a bit quiet. I'm sure it's fine. What's up?

-Uh, I did a bit of a silly thing.

-What?

-I, uh...

I threw James's trousers out of the window.

-Oh. That's normal.

-It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.

I didn't think. It was red mist or the heat of the changing room or...

He just, I don't know, he just

wound me up, and I mean, I immediately regretted it.

-Well, just put them back!

-Well, I tried, but...

I looked outside, but I couldn't see them.

He'll just think someone nicked them. You know, things get stolen.

I used to get new trainers from changing rooms all the time when I

-was a kid.

-Hey, Kev. Hi.

I saw this at the bottom of the pool. Dived down and got it.

I think it might be yours.

-Thanks.

-No worries.

Did my phone just ring?

-The hero!

-SHE CHUCKLES

Hello.

I think he was a bit upset.

He said my watch strap scratched his neck or something.

-It's so great reconnecting with you.

-Yeah.

After all these years!

-And you and Tandy, still together.

-Mmm.

In a way, I feel like I should take credit for it.

-What? How?

-Because...

Cos, of course, we had our little thing,

-when you asked me out and I said no.

-What?

But just think, if I hadn't had turned you down,

you wouldn't have rebounded with Tandy.

I think it was, like, literally the next day!

-What?!

-You asked her out the next day, after I turned you down.

You didn't turn me down.

-Yes, I did.

-I didn't ask you out.

-You did.

-What?!

Oh, shit! Yeah!

-I did ask you out.

-You did.

-Yeah, I'd completely forgotten that.

-HE LAUGHS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Everyone wearing a green wristband,

please make your way out of the pool.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Did he ring?

Did my phone just...?

Give it to me!

-Hello.

-All right, come on, then.

OK, let's get that off. No, no, no, no, not the coat, not the coat!

Not the coat! Not the coat, oh, God!

OK. OK!

He called, Kevin! Wallet man called, and I have to go now!

-OK, have fun.

-No, now, Kevin! I have to go now! You have to take my kids!

-I'm already taking Julia's kids.

-You have to take my kids, Kevin, please!

Please, Kevin, take my fucking kids!

Fine!

DRYER DIES

Hey, Kev, mate.

Sorry about the wave machine thing.

I shouldn't have made you do it.

Sorry I shouted at you.

And thanks for getting me out.

-It's all right.

-It's just usually I'm the first aider, you know,

because I'm fully qualified with St John's Ambulance.

-But sorry.

-Seriously, it's fine.

I get a bit overexcited sometimes,

just getting to spend time with my kids.

Until this week, they barely noticed if I was home, you know?

They don't rely on me because

they're so used to not having me around.

Well, that's...

I'm, I'm sorry to hear that.

But it can be lonely being a full-time dad, too, though, you

-know.

-Yeah, but you've got to think about all the good things about it.

Your kids adore you.

I can see that. I'd kill to have that kind of bond.

You're probably the first parent they call for in the night when

-they've had a bad dream.

-Always.

I knew it.

You're...

Wait a second.

Wait a minute. It's...

-Where's my trousers?

-Mmm?

-My trousers...

My...my trousers aren't here.

-Trousers?

-Definitely not here.

-Trousers, trousers...

-What, what did they look like?

-Trousers, they look like trousers!

Here, er, take mine. We're almost the same height.

-What?

-Honestly, take them.

-Well, what are you going to wear?

-Honestly, I'll wear the towel home.

-Why?

-Come on, you'd do the same

-for me.

-No, I wouldn't.

-Take my trousers, James.

-No!

-Take my bloody trousers, James!

-Liz.

-Russell.

It's Mitch. My surname's Mitchum, so Mitch.

Well, here's your wallet, Mitch Mitchum.

It's got your three cards and your £10.

Count it, it's all there.

And I sorted your receipts and did your tax returns.

Not really. No, I haven't.

Do you have to wear that for...

-scaffolding?

-No, erm...

-I rode over here.

-Oh, what, you've got a motorbike?

Yeah. You want to see it?

What, you don't want to go in for a drink, or...?

No, no, let's see the bike.

Shall I rev it up?

ENGINE REVS

Oh, yeah! Yeah, very good.

Very good.

Do you want to... Do you want to go in for a drink?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Can I have... Can I have a bit of hush, please?

It is a huge honour tonight that we have in our midst...

one of my...

personal heroes.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I introduce to you...

Malcolm Spender.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Julia.

The cover of my book is a photo of our hotel

just after it was destroyed.

The surrounding area was completely devastated.

People wandering blindly,

human beings at their most miserable and vulnerable.

I can't begin to describe the squalor and degradation we witnessed

over the next few hours.

It was the closest thing I'd ever seen to hell on earth.

Oh, give me a break!