Episode 4 Motherland

And then I looked after some twins

for a lovely couple in Richmond.

Unfortunately he died recently.

He had a heart attack on a trip to Paris.

Oh, I love Paris!

So, when can you start?

-Oh.

-I mean, the sooner the better, really, for me. I mean,

I know this sounds ridiculous, but if you could start this afternoon,

that would, that would be great.

Look, I...I know that's ridiculous.

-Is it? Is that ridiculous?

-What, to start now?

No! No, no, no.

No, this afternoon. Unless you CAN start now?

Shouldn't I meet the kids first, or...?

Whatever you want. Meet them, don't meet them.

HEAVY KNOCKING AT DOOR Jesus Christ! Is that the door?!

-This is my boyfriend, Luke.

-Oh, hi.

-Nice house.

-How much does that painting cost?

-I don't know.

A lot of nice houses round here, aren't there?

-You coming or what?

-Uh, sorry, we have to go.

So, when can you meet the kids?

No, she didn't turn up. I can't believe it.

She was perfect in every way, apart from not turning up.

Now we're going to be late for school again!

I just... Paul, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

It's just... In. It's just too much for me.

It's just too much for me, Paul.

Just, it's too much.

It's a bit early, isn't it? I'll just have a Pimm's.

Oh, it sounds like hell.

I'm so sorry I had to come on this bloody stag.

Do you want me to come home?

No. No, no, no, no.

-Don't come home.

-I'll come home.

-No, no. No, really, don't.

-I'm coming home. I'm going to come home.

-No, don't be silly!

Put those down. Don't be silly.

No, look, you need me and that's that.

-I'm going to come home.

-Well, if you're serious, it would be amazing.

But if I can't come home,

what's the next best thing I could do?

-Oh, I know!

-No. No, no, no, no. Don't send your parents.

They don't help. They do not help, Paul.

-'What? Eh?'

-Paul?

-'Julia?'

Paul, I said don't send your parents.

It would be an absolute disaster.

-'Julia.'

-Paul!

Julia, the reception here is shit.

I didn't catch any of what you just said, but if you can hear me,

don't worry, I'm going to call my parents.

Julia.

Hey, did you put mint in this?

JULIA GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION

-Morning!

-Oh, gangway!

-Can't talk!

Morning.

In, in, in.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, I know it's past nine!

Can I just sneak them through?

Bye-bye, love you, love you, bye.

DOOR BUZZES

-I'm going to have to mark them down as late.

-Oh, no, please!

They can't get another late this term,

it's just so upsetting for Ivy.

-I have to put them in the book.

-Please don't do that.

Look, please don't open the book.

Don't pick up the pen! Just put the pen down!

-Stop writing!

-I have to put them in the book.

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. OK. Well, thank you very much.

You've been so kind. I hope you have a marvellous day.

Nice jumper.

Just take whatever you want.

Anything left over is going to the charity shop. Trevor.

-Could I get a latte?

-Only if you're good.

-You'll never get away with that, Anne.

-Oh, God, I was, I was joking!

-Two doughnuts, please.

-Sure.

You need to get them into Breakfast Club, miss the traffic that way.

Breakfast club? What's that?

Just what it sounds like. You can drop them off at eight.

I'm trying to get Charlie in on it.

He's having his half eight poo in school, I'm back in bed.

What, they give him breakfast?

Cor, that is great! I hate doing breakfast!

-My kids never know what they want.

-What, you ask them?

-Yeah, don't you?

No! Just put a bowl of cornflakes in front of them.

They're not gourmets.

Charlie would eat a bowl of Lego if I put it in front of him.

God, yeah, why did I ever think I had to ask them?

Great, so how do you get into Breakfast Club, then?

You need to speak to Mrs Lamb, she sorts it all out.

Oh! I love this!

Well, don't get too excited, it's last season.

-Which teacher is Mrs Lamb again?

-No, she's the sour cow in reception.

-Can I have this?

-Oh!

No. I don't think so.

-Why not?

-Well, I can't give everything away.

There'll be nothing left for the charity shop,

and it's for cancer.

Tell you what, I'll give you a tenner for cancer,

and I'll throw in my coat

for even more cancer.

That's not a bad deal.

Great!

Oh, yeah, Mrs Lamb's the man. Breakfast club, Homework Club.

Oh, God! I was sort of offish with her earlier.

How bad was it? Was it anything you could walk back?

Well, I said that she was very helpful and I said, "Nice jumper."

Shit. She responds well to gifts.

I got her a St Tropez kit for her birthday and now Charlie's allowed

back on school trips.

I feel a bit sorry for her.

-See her around the place on her own a lot.

-Here comes trouble.

You're looking at a free man, ladies.

-What do you mean?

-Jill's gone to her mother's with the kids.

Oh, no, what's happened?

Oh, nothing. It's just a thing she has to do from time to time.

When she's had enough of me.

When I'm driving her up the walls.

-She just says, "Aaaargh!..."

-HE FORCES A CHUCKLE

"..I can't take it!" and scarpers, so...

What are you guys doing for the weekend?

-A few friends have invited me to Milan.

-Have they?

-No!

-I've got my in-laws coming.

-Oh. I call my in-laws "the outlaws".

-HE CHUCKLES

But not really.

Well, then, it looks like I've got a weekend to myself doing boy stuff in

the man cave. Could be worse.

Actually sounds pretty good to me.

Right, well, I better go and pick them up.

I'm having to bloody work from home today because they don't understand

"key under flowerpot".

-See you, troops.

-Bye.

You done your hair or something?

I might have treated myself to a wash.

Whatever you did, it's working.

I should wash myself more often.

I can't park here. Wait there, I'll bring the car around.

-We're coming, we're coming.

-No, no, don't!

-Wait a minute, we haven't got all the bags. Where...?

-Where? Oh!

-Oh, for goodness' sake! Look!

-CAR HORN BLASTS

-Oh, God!

-Julia.

-HE LAUGHS

-Oh!

-Come on, come on.

-Where's my paper, my newspaper?

-Oh, Geoff, please!

-I left it on the...

-Stay there.

-Yes. Go on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!

Oh, look! Look, I've got it.

-Oh, for goodness' sake. Come on then, let's go.

-All right.

-CAR HORN HONKS

-Whoa!

-Oh!

-Jesus...

CAR HORNS BLARE

HE CHUCKLES

Oh. The cavalry have arrived.

-There you go.

-What's this?

-Closing early.

-Only throw them away otherwise.

-Oh! Thanks.

Yes, thank you. She's letting you through, Julia.

She's letting you through.

Thank you, Elizabeth. Yes, I know what this means.

-Oh! Oh!

-HORN HONKS

She thinks you're waving her through now.

Yes. Yes, sorry, you go, you go!

How are my two darlings?

They're not in the car, Elizabeth. They're at school, remember?

Oh. Yes, of course.

-You all right in the back there, Geoff?

-I am, thank you, Julia.

Do you know who used to live here?

-Who?

-Michael Caine.

Michael Caine, really? He used to live in Queens Park?

No, no, no, no. London.

Did you get anything nice for Christmas?

-They're not in the car.

-Oh. Yes.

-Oh, where are they?

-They're at school.

Oh, yes. Oh, careful with that one,

Julia! We don't want to break it, do we?

-Do you want to take your coats off?

-No, I'm a bit cold.

Oh, I can put the heating on.

No, no, I'll just keep my coat on.

How about a nice cup of tea and a catch-up?

Oh. OK, you want tea.

Great, I'll put the kettle on.

You want one, Geoff?

-Huh? Oh. Only if you're putting the kettle on.

-I am, yeah.

Actually, could I have a coffee, rather?

Coffee? Absolutely.

Have you got a small piece of bread?

I haven't had breakfast.

Just the heel will be fine.

-Just the heel?

-Yes.

Don't waste a proper slice.

I thought it might be fun if you guys picked up the kids from school.

Surprise them. I've got a bit of work to get on with.

You could take my car.

Oh, I don't like driving in London.

-I'll ask Geoff.

-Toilet's broken.

Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

-No, don't!

-Julia was wondering if we could pick up the children from

-school.

-Oh, well, I'd better get on with the toilet.

Especially if I'm not going to miss the rugby.

-Don't worry about the toilet.

-It's all right.

Um, yes, best we don't.

Oh, before you go, Julia,

could you get out a deckchair so I can sit in the garden?

SHE YELPS IN PAIN

Leaving us, Barbara?

Can you take me with you? SHE CHUCKLES

I mean, they can't even make a cup of tea themselves.

They would die of dehydration if I didn't come home.

-Bless them.

-And they're so cheap, won't let anything go to waste.

Geoff even ate a rancid mango today, rather than throw it away.

My dad drives two miles further away from the local shop

-to get cheaper bin bags.

-How old?

How old? I don't know, Kevin.

-Late 60s?

-That's a lovely age.

-Can I... can I meet them?

-What?

-Can I meet them?

You want to meet my husband's parents?

-Why?

-I love old people.

I used to work with old people when I was at uni.

Best years of my life.

People tell me I'm very much like an old person sometimes.

No. That's weird, Kevin.

-What are you doing?

-I just got flirted at again.

-Flirted at by who?

-Trevor.

-He winked at me.

-Oh, my God!

This cafe is the only place I have now,

-and you are going to make it weird.

-How am I going to make it weird?

Oh, for God's sake!

Geoff? I got your Rennies.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, now, don't you worry about this, Julia.

I managed to turn the water off eventually.

But I did remember to fill up the kettle, so if you wouldn't mind just

going and popping it on, eh?

Geoff. Geoff, will I tell her or do you want to tell her?

Just tell me, Elizabeth. You tell me before I execute both of you!

Well, we were going to save it till Paul got home, but...

-Sit down, Julia.

-I don't want to sit down.

Well, Paul has told us how difficult you're finding things at the moment,

you know, since your mother stopped doing everything for you,

and we've seen first hand how overwhelmed you are.

So we've decided...

..to move back to London!

So we won't be just at the end of a phone any more,

we'll be right here all the time.

You'll be able to sit back and let us take care of everything.

Elizabeth? It's time for my pill.

-Oh.

-Where are my pills?

-Oh, eh... Oh, they're in the car.

-I'll get them.

-I'll get them!

I need something anyway! I'll get the pills!

SHE GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION

Barbara!

Have you seen this? Somebody must have...

I ran over as soon as I...

Never mind.

I know, I'll get, I'll get Paul to put it back,

as soon as he's home from his stag.

How did they do that?

It was buried!

-Very deep.

-Desperate people are capable of anything, Barbara!

'You've called the Brady residence.

'Please leave a short message after the beep.

'Or, if you like, you can message me at Tumblr.'

Hi, Kevin.

'If you're still at a loose end...'

-Hello!

-Hi, Kevin.

I have reached the limits of my endurance.

I am taking them out to eat, so if the offer

still stands, could you please come and do some geriatric whispering?

I'd love to! 'When do you want me? Now?'

I could come now. Would you like me to come now?

Do you know what? Let's go out, let's go out to eat.

-What? Where?

-To a...to a restaurant.

-Oh, whose birthday is it?

-No, it's no-one 's birthday.

What will I wear?

Just... What?! Just, just casual, casual clothes.

I'm not sure I've got any casual clothes.

Geoff, Geoff, we're going out.

Oooh! Spit that out! That is not a biscuit!

-Geoff, is this your hearing aid?!

-Oh, there it is!

We're going out!

Julia, why did you let him put my hearing aid in his mouth?

This was the best one I ever had, you know, and...

well, now I can't hear a thing.

Elizabeth, say something.

Testing, testing, testing Geoff's hearing aid.

Alpha, Bravo,

Charlie, Delta, Echo.

Oh, there's Kevin!

GEOFF SCREAMS Geoff! Geoff, it's OK.

It's my friend. This is my friend.

Hello.

Geoff and Elizabeth. Got it.

Weren't names lovely in the past?

-What do you mean?

-Hmm?

What do you mean, in the past?

Oh, I see. It's almost like I'm saying you belong in the past.

-I'm not at all.

-We're here now, aren't we?

We're not dead yet.

No, indeed. Very much still with us, and thank goodness for that.

Ooh, these are heated seats, aren't they, Julia?

You're spoiling the back-seat boys here.

Isn't she, Geoff? Do you feel that, Geoff?

Lovely and warm.

It's lovely and warm, the seats.

Warm your bum up!

-Oh!

-Are you all right, Geoffrey?

-What are you doing to him, Kevin?

I'm... I'm not doing anything to him.

I thought you said you were like Paul O'Grady with old people?

I just got off on the wrong foot. I'll win them over, don't worry.

-Would you like children's menus?

-Yes. No!

I will choose for them. They will have...

fish pie.

Oh, dear.

-Oh, no.

-Is there something about the menu that bothers you, Elizabeth?

-Well, is there anything other than fish?

-Are you...?

-Why didn't you say before?

-Well, I didn't want to be a bother.

Excuse me, excuse me. I'm so sorry. Is there something that's not fish?

-Uh, well, it's a fish restaurant.

-I know it's a fish restaurant.

The surf and turf, we can take away the...surf.

-Elizabeth, they have steak.

-I don't like steak.

-She doesn't like steak.

It's all very expensive.

I'll just have the breadsticks.

Geoff. Geoff? Do you think you should just have a main?

Skip the starter because of your indigestion?

Yes, yes, I'll have a starter.

-What do they have?

-Get some lovely grub in there.

-Who is he?

-This is Kevin.

Mrs Lamb over there.

Oh, yes. On her own again, poor thing.

Excuse me, excuse me. Hi, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

See that woman over there? I'll pick up her bill.

-You can tell her.

-Oh, OK, OK.

-Hello! A lovely place!

-Lovely to see you all.

-How are you?

-Nice to meet you. Thank you very much.

-How are you?

Can we have the wine list please?

HE SLURPS NOISILY

Oh.

I don't believe it!

Everyone's been talking about her like she's a recluse.

It's like Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway over there.

Excuse me, look,

can you, can you tell me again how you know my daughter?

-Who are you?

-Well, we...

I don't want to say more than friends, but we are very close.

GEOFF GROANS

HE BURPS

I think it's your pilot light that's the problem.

Right. Well, it's not worked properly since you installed it.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, really.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Nice coat.

-Jesus, you reek!

-Yeah, but I've been working, ain't I?

You've been fixing a boiler, not wrestling a BO machine.

-No, no, no, no!

-What?

-Leave it on. The coat.

-What?!

-Leave it on.

-KIDS' VOICES IN BACKGROUND

-Oh! Stop! Stop! The kids!

-Daddy!

-Hello, mate!

Look at you, eh? What are we going to do with you, eh?

-What about this?! Who-o-o-oaa!

-LAUGHTER

Don't shake him like a can of Coke, Lee!

-You don't have to mop up the mess.

-Daddy, stop!

Whoo! You going to throw up for Mummy? Throw up for Mummy, go on!

-LEE LAUGHS

-Are you going to throw up for Mummy?

Oh, come back here.

What's been happening? You good? Yeah?

HE LAUGHS

-I didn't want fish pie.

-That's all there is, OK?

Shush it down. Hello, yes, I just want to make it absolutely clear

that I'm only getting dinner for her, not for everybody else.

Right, but that puts me in a very uncomfortable position.

Ah, it's a lobster.

-Can you tell her?

-Me tell her that I'm not paying for the meal?

No, that would... You tell her!

Look, just subtract her meal from the bill and then point at me like

you did the first time, then she'll know,

and...and it won't look like we're suddenly changing our minds.

-We're changing our minds?

-Yes, yes, yes, yeah, because you're

part of it, because you agreed to make the offer in the first place.

This is the only way. Don't bail on me now.

And there's no "you left the seat up" politics,

because I now pee sitting down.

I don't know why more men don't do it.

Geoff? Oh, he, he's asleep.

Who is this man, Julia?

Uh, excuse me. Didn't you say that you were paying for dinner?

-Yes, yes.

-Yeah, well, he's saying you didn't.

-Oh!

JULIA FORCES A LAUGH There's been...

I think you've misunderstood me.

I definitely do want to pay for the whole dinner, not just her.

Sorry, I obviously didn't make that clear.

Thank you.

No! No!

They're wonderful!

LIQUID TINKLING

DRY THUD OF TOILET FLUSHER

JULIA: Oh, God!

Hi! Bye!

240 quid that cost me. How did YOU manage it?

Oh, you know, I have my ways. Anyway, back to bed. See you later.

See you.

BELL RINGS

TO HERSELF: Go on. Get inside.

Don't want to miss your train.

-Oh! Hang on a minute! Hang on!

-Oh, no!

Look, I'll let you know how the house-hunting goes, but in the

meantime, any time it gets too much for you, you know what to do.

You bet I do.

-Bye.

-Come on, come on!

HE CHUCKLES

Have you got the tickets?

-What?

-Have you got the tickets?

-What?

-Oh! Geoff, never mind, never mind!

Get in there! Get in!

Get in the station!

Yes! SHE SIGHS IN RELIEF

TYRES SCREECH

Hi.

-It's happened again.

-Aw, thanks!

Hello, Kevin.

-Amanda!

-What's going on with you two?

-Are you lost?

-No, I was just passing.

-It's private. I can't.

-Holy shit, it's Anne!

Why's she got all those kids?

She's part of the car pool now for school drops.

Car pool? Why don't we have a car pool? That would really help me.

I got terribly into driftwood crafting after my early menopause.

Well, what you lost in oestrogen,

you definitely made up for in hobbies.

You haven't said anything to Anne, have you?

Oh, no. God, no.

You were on the make the whole time, Julia.

The only reason you're here tonight is because you wanted something.

No! Well, yeah.

Johnny wanted to take control of his jealousy.

-Are we even friends?

-What?!

He's horribly jealous, but at the same time

-he enjoys watching me with another man.

-Of course.

Wha...what?