Episode 5 Motherland

This programme contains some strong language

Come on, come on! Come on, we're going to be late!

Take it, take it, take the bread, let's go, let's go!

Come on, come on, into the car!

CHILDREN SQUABBLE Come on!

HORNS BLARE Oh, God, come on!

SHE GROANS

HORN BLARES BOP-IT JANGLES

-Stop it!

-You stop it!

-CHILDREN SHRIEK

Give me. Stop it!

Don't do that to your brother!

Give me the Bop-it!

CHILL OUT!

You're late! So I'm going to be late.

Go and find your book bag.

Where's the baby's trousers and other shoe?

OK, one shoe's all I can manage,

and he said he doesn't like trousers.

So when am I going to meet this Debbie woman then?

OK, it's not Debbie, it's Debbie-Louise,

and she's not a woman, she's my partner.

What? She went from zero to partner in three weeks?

Didn't even have to climb the charts?

-What is she, Ed Sheeran?

-OK, well, you don't need to meet her.

Course I do! She's moved in!

She's living in your home.

If my kids are going to be using the same bathroom as her,

then I want to meet her.

-She could be a nutter.

-I don't go out with nutters.

What are you fucking talking about?

Of course you do!

-Hiya!

-Hi!

Morning.

-You got time for a coffee?

-No, sorry.

Couples counselling today.

Oh, OK. Good luck with that.

Oh, no, everything's fine.

It's just preventative.

We're rock solid, Jill and I.

Although she disagrees.

It's like physio or yoga.

We're just doing it to keep the marriage supple.

Oi, Gonzalez.

-You got time for a chat?

-No, no, no.

I received an official bollocking for lateness yesterday.

Whoa!

Who's that?

Don't touch the door.

It's automatic open.

It opens on its own. Don't touch the door.

-Don't touch it!

-Holy shit, it's Ann.

-Why's she got all of those kids?

She's part of the car pool now, for school drops.

Car pool? Car... Why don't we have a car pool?

That would really help me!

I live right there!

If I spit now, I'd hit my window.

I don't drive. My wife does the driving.

I'm sans licence.

Thought you were late.

Hey! Ann!

Nice big car!

Yeah, we traded in the old one for this flashy so-and-so.

It's a bit hi-tech now for me,

but I couldn't look at the Volvo the same after I ran over the cat.

But anyway, it means I get to run a car pool now, so...

Yeah. I'd love to talk to you about that sometime.

-Hello, Claire.

-Bloody hell, Ann!

Nice wheels!

How many kids can you fit in there?

Safely? Nine.

So you might have room for a couple more in the car pool?

Yeah, well...

Oh, my God! You bought it!

You look like a drug dealer, Ann!

It's actually the top-rated people carrier on Which?, so...

You're in my spot.

-Oh.

-Joking, but you are.

We should definitely, definitely catch up soon.

-I'd love to hear more about the car pool.

-I like your hair.

Heidi's desperate to see Darius.

Do you want to come over for a play date?

We've just got a family pass to Chessington.

Yeah, I can't talk and drive.

So we need to make a new... OK, that would be...

Amanda!

KNOCKING

Amanda! Amanda!

Amanda! Amanda!

Don't think she saw me. Amanda!

Don't think she could hear me.

Love, if you're hungry, just go over and help yourself.

No one'll notice.

Just kick the ball by their rug and grab a handful of crisps.

Right, go. Off you go! Hiya.

Oh, you came.

-Pull up a pew.

-SHRIEKS

Or a jacket.

You can sit on my jacket. Oh, thanks.

-Bubbles?

-Yeah.

Oh.

Hey, there's Ann.

So what's been going on?

Nothing much.

Apart from my ex, Lee, having a new partner.

Not girlfriend, partner.

Debbie-Louise, for fuck's sake.

Who double-barrels two stupid names?

Anyway, she's welcome to him.

All we'd do was fight, if I'm honest.

I stabbed him once.

Just with a spork from a Tesco pasta salad.

Just in the leg.

Police got involved.

I got a caution for sporking.

The wanker.

Wish I could just stay angry with him, but...

he looks at me with his stupid eyes and...

..I'm 20 again.

And I don't have two kids,

and it's Saturday night... Oh!

Julia?

What the hell?

Sorry, babe. Do you want to go and get a coffee?

Yeah, all right.

We'd love to, Ann.

Great, I'll see you back at mine in 20.

Wicked!

SHE SIGHS

Coffee's not too hot, is it?

No, no, no, it's perfect.

Ha!

-So true.

-Yeah.

I made that. I made all of them.

I got terribly into driftwood crafting after my early menopause.

Oh, well, what you lost in the oestrogen

you definitely made up for in hobbies.

-PHONE VIBRATES

-Oh.

Oh, that's Claire again.

Car pool business.

I'm terribly popular all of a sudden.

Annoying!

I don't know Claire at all,

but she's always struck me as a bit of a user.

That might be unfair, but I think it's true.

Turn your phone off.

Yeah.

Can I get you girls anything to eat?

-Got a hobnob?

-I don't have any hobnobs but I can get you some.

-I just meant a biscuit or...

-I'll go to the corner shop!

No, no, you don't need to do that.

Oh, it's fine, it's just two doors down and one straight across.

I'll be two minutes, five minutes. I'll take the car.

DOOR SLAMS

Come on, you can get in on it, too.

I live fucking opposite the school.

I've got to get up, my arse is numb.

What are you doing?

Just having a nose.

Trying to fill my eyes with anything that isn't a driftwood affirmation.

Oh, God, that's creepy.

Do you think there are others in this range?

What, like, you've scraped a pass?

LAUGHTER

Oh, I love these!

-What are you doing?

-I had one of these then I was little.

But that's her dad!

Huh?

That was her dead dad's face.

-Her dead dad?

-Yes.

It was an impression of his face, like a death mask.

What do you mean? How do you know that?

Because they had it like that since he died.

Well, that's stupid... What are we going to do, Liz?

What are we going to do?

We have just replaced her dead dad's face with your fist.

We've got to fix it. What are we going to do, Liz?

Just, like, put your face in it.

I don't look anything like her dead dad.

You do a bit.

Scrape your hair back.

And put some glasses on, he was a specs wearer.

I don't have my glasses with me.

I've got some of Charlie's. Hang on.

Give them to me.

You hold this. God!

Oh!

LAUGHTER

-DOOR SHUTS

-What are you doing?

Just...trying to get a better view of your garden.

-Oh.

-Is that a little cat grave?

No. No, it's just a... a raised flower bed.

The foxes dug up the cat grave.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hello, Kevin.

-Amanda!

-Are you lost?

-No, I was just passing.

-Can I...?

-Of course.

-Yes?

-Oh, watch your clean shoes on the dirty doormat.

I wondered if you wouldn't mind keeping quiet about

seeing me at Dr Guldaguin's today.

Oh, so you did see me, then.

Of course I saw you, Kevin. You saw I saw you.

Oh, right, yeah.

But then why...?

Oh, yes, of course. Yes.

Yeah, it's just that I'm, you know, er...

I don't know what the word is, kind of...high profile. Like, locally.

Which is nuts, of course,

because I'm actually a private person, very discreet person and...

..also the type of person that people have

an unhealthy interest in. You know, like...

Nigella or Charday.

No, of course, it's going no further.

Jonny has huge jealousy issues.

You know, on the one hand he loves having an eye-catching wife

but he cannot deal with the attention I get.

-Mm-hm.

-And the problem is...

..I bring it, every day.

I bring it, I never let myself down, I always look my best and...

Johnny, of course, is like, "Oh, who are you doing that for?"

And...

I'm like...

-HOARSELY:

-Well, I'm doing it for me.

Hey, hey.

Come on now.

Erm...

Johnny's...

Johnny's a very lucky guy.

And every marriage has its issues.

I just found out in counselling that my wife finds me

less sexually attractive since I've become a househusband.

-She thinks I'm emasculated...

-Kevin, I can't take on your shit right now.

No, yes, sorry. Of course. Sorry.

Well...

..you can talk to me any time.

My door is always open,

and my mouth is always closed.

I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable with you touching me like that.

Said my wife.

HE TITTERS

Did Charlie leave his scooter here?

-He doesn't have a scooter.

-Yeah, he does.

He found one in the park, so he has a scooter.

Well, it's not here.

Shit.

I bet someone's nicked it.

Where's Debbie Does Dallas?

It's Debbie-Louise, and she's at work.

Where's all the kids' stuff?

-What?

-Where's all the toys and mess and kiddie crap?

I don't know, in their rooms?

What's with all the cushions?

-I like cushions.

-Since fucking when?

You can't get angry at cushions, Liz.

You know, you can't have strong feelings against something

that's designed to make your back feel more comfortable.

How is that not broken?

How can Charlie play in here with that?

And what's this shit?

I don't know.

It's potpourri!

There's just bowls of potp-fucking-rri everywhere.

She's turning our house into a nursing home.

Yeah, well, it's my house.

She can't just erase all evidence of our kids.

I want to meet this woman.

You set something up or I...

I swear I'll...

What's wrong with potpourri?

I rather like potpourri.

It's not the potpourri, it's the principle behind the potpourri.

What, you don't agree with perfumed bark?

No, it...

Look, I don't want my kids brought up around it.

Oh, there's Anne. Anne! Hi.

Come and sit down. Oh, there's no chair.

I'll get you a stool.

I wouldn't write off all potpourri, there's some lovely blends.

Especially at Christmas.

Oh, there's Amanda. Can we put a pin in this for a minute?

What's going on with you two?

Oh, I'm just helping Amanda work through something at the moment.

Since when?

It's private. I can't.

You know what, I need a drink.

Let's go to the pub tonight, get pissed.

Forget about everything for a minute.

Oh, no, you two go ahead.

No, I'm burnt out by eight.

Can't make it to Holby City.

I don't do anything evening-based.

What, you never go out in the evening?

Oh, yeah, I do, I just don't... I don't do mum stuff in the evening.

-Mum stuff?!

-No, I just...

Oh, you... You know what I meant.

Anne, hi.

Aw, hi, Anne.

Off to meet Liz, then.

Won't be a late one.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Amanda.

Yes, I can talk.

You all right, Amanda? I can't really make out what you're...

Are you crying or laughing?

I can't...

I'm coming over.

You can sit down, Kevin.

No, I'm fine standing.

It's like Churchill with the Queen.

You haven't said anything to Anne, have you?

Oh, no. God, no.

Jesus, no.

OK.

I'm just feeling a bit...

It's just that...

Johnny is on these rampages.

His jealousy,

it just flares up sometimes.

Well, look, I mean...

..we all have our little blips.

Ever since this thing with Bobby he's been like this.

Well, as I said,

marriage is a very, erm...

Sorry, who's Bobby?

Well, he...

I feel like I can trust you with this information, Kevin.

Of course.

Johnny wanted to take control of his jealousy.

The thing is he's...

very complicated.

He's horribly jealous,

but at the same time he enjoys watching me with another man.

Of course.

Wha... What?

So...Bobby is someone we invited into our relationship.

On a monthly basis.

He's a squaddie.

He drives up from Aldershot.

And that's all I know about him.

Mmm.

Aldershot. Erm...

My mum lives in Fleet, which is very near Aldershot.

Tip for that neck of the woods, erm,

there's a great tandoori, erm,

second to naan!

GLASS SMASHES

Oh, goodness! It's fine. It's... It's... It's fine.

-I'm so sorry.

-It's fine.

Don't worry, just leave it.

It's fine... Kevin...

Er... You know, erm, look... Look... Look...

Many couples have, erm...

I think.

Who am I? Erm... I mean, you look at...

Many... Many marriages...

-Many couples...

-GLASS CLINKING

Ow! Er...

I mean, the conventional...

I mean... Who hasn't?

Erm...

What is a marriage?

What is normal?

There isn't any... Ow! Ow!

There isn't any normal...

DOOR OPENS Oh, my God.

-It's Johnny. Er...

-Oh.

Kevin, would you mind just stepping into the garden?

-What? Surely there's no...

-No, no, no, it's totally fine, but just...

Would you? If you'd just step into the garden,

-it'd be so much easier for me.

-Oh... Oh, OK.

MAN TALKING ON PHONE

-Hey, honey.

-Hey. How come you're back so early?

Really? I do live here, you know!

Is it such a bad thing for me to come home?

-Johnny, what's wrong?

-Well, I come home,

you're not pleased to see me, there's no kiss...

-What are you talking about?

-What about normal couples?

I just said how come you're back so early? That's all I said.

What's wrong with you? I can't keep doing this...

-You can't keep doing this? You're exhausted?

-What is up with you?

I'm going outside for a cigarette.

What?

I'm having a cigarette.

Johnny, why are you smoking?

I'm smoking, because from the moment I walk in the door

you're busting my balls. Do we not have a lighter in this house?

-Oh, God!

-15,000 candles, and not one lighter!

TELLY NATTERING AWAY

PHONE VIBRATES

SHE SIGHS

SHE GROANS

Let me get the first round in.

No, no, no, let me get them.

OK, I'll have a Cava,

and then I'll get the next one.

Oh, well, let's see how we feel.

I mean...

we may find that we're fully quenched after this one.

I'll just get a seat.

Liz!

I thought you didn't do mum stuff at night.

No, this is...

this is strictly carpool business.

Kev!

Over here.

I got you a drink.

OK.

-Yes, please, another.

-Are you all right, Kevin?

What happened to your jeans?

I was just climbing.

Claire's in the house!

Oh! The gang's all here.

God, I love Cava.

It's a terrific alternative.

I actually think it's nicer than champagne.

So do I, I love it.

Yeah. I don't like to drink Cava around my husband though.

He had to cut it out.

He hasn't had a drop since our son's christening...

PHONE VIBRATES

..which is difficult, because he really loved Cava.

And his father loved Cava also.

His father would drink two to three bottles of Cava a day, at his worst.

Which was sad,

but it also meant he was very easy to buy presents for.

PHONE RINGS

-Do you like Cava, Liz?

-No.

-Jesus Christ!

-What's going on?

-Nothing's going on.

-Yes, there is.

What's going on, Kevin?

I'm just dealing with some very personal stuff right now

that isn't even my personal stuff, and it's just...

It's too complicated, Liz, I can't talk about it.

Great, I'll just be ignored by you AND Julia then.

I'm in here!

Last orders!

I'd better make a move. I have had such a fun evening.

Can we just have a chat about carpool?

Or back to mine for the after party?

-I'm afraid I can't.

-I can't either.

I can, actually! I'm afraid I can.

-Liz?

-No, thank you!

Right.

Oi!

Have you found the scooter?

OK, let's get some tunes going.

MUSIC PLAYS

Shhh! Eh! My husband's got an early shift, OK?

But let's get this after party started.

I can just stay for one, Anne. Anne, I'm just staying for one!

God, this is my worst nightmare come true.

I'm surrounded by mums at night.

I could just about handle it on the school drop, but this...

PHONE RINGS

-Amanda.

-Hi.

I'm sorry, I'm in my dressing gown!

Well, we're on the phone, so it doesn't really...

Have you got time for a chat?

Well, I'm not a little party at Anne's.

-It's a bit...

-What? Anne didn't mention a party.

That's because it's just a little impromptu after party.

Anne is having an after party?

Pate?

I made it myself. It's so simple.

You just whizz up a liver, any old liver,

and then throw in a dash of Tabasco.

Now, where's our Cava?

I think I have a nice one up behind Daddy.

Pfft! This one, though.

Ah!

DOORBELL RINGS

My phone was off, so I must have missed your call

that you're having a party.

Yeah, well, it's an after party.

And the whole deal with an after party

is that you have to have been at the party before.

But you mustn't have heard your phone when I called.

Sorry about that, Anne!

SHE GROANS

For fuck's sake!

TOILET FLUSHES

You left your jacket in my kitchen, and Johnny found it,

and he has completely lost it.

What?!

How did he know it was my jacket?

Your name is stitched in it, Kevin.

Shit!

Shit, shit, shit!

Shit!

What a great night. Thanks, Anne.

God, I just really need to switch off from work and kids

and school, and carpools.

Any decision on the carpool? Would just really help me out.

God, yeah, sorry! I gave the spot to Claire.

-What?

-Yeah, I gave a spot to Claire, that's why we were out for a drink.

Oh, right! It's just that's also why I was out for a drink.

Oh, I thought... I mean...

I thought you just wanted to go out for the fun of it.

Come on, Anne! I was very, very specifically there

to talk about carpool, and do you know what's more?

You knew that, Anne,

so you've actually just been stringing me along.

You're a real carpool tease.

Not cool, Anne! Not cool at all.

Cheers, Anne.

-That was rude.

-What?

-I'm not a fan of Anne, but come on.

-Yeah, well, I'm tired.

No, no, you're on the make the whole time, Julia.

The only reason you're here tonight is because you wanted something.

-No! Well, yeah...

-Are we even friends?

-What?

-Are we friends?

-Of course we're friends!

I see you every day.

I see more of you than I see some of my bridesmaids.

Yeah, but you never ask me to do anything with you.

-That's not true.

-I'm your day friend, Julia.

Not an evening friend. I'm a mum friend.

I'm a convenience.

I asked you to come for a drink tonight because I needed to talk

with a fucking mate, and instead,

you chose to hang out with an emotional storm drain.

I'm an emotional storm drain?

-No.

-Shit.

Does anyone like me?

Yes. People like you.

I like you. Liz...

Amanda likes you.

Amanda doesn't like me.

She doesn't give a flying poo about me.

She just wants people around her who can kiss her arse.

And I've kissed every square inch of that flat arse.

Anne, you're drunk, and you're embarrassing yourself.

If I were you, I'd take myself to bed and sleep it off.

I may be drunk, but at least I know how to unclench my flipping bum hole

and have a good time!

Did you just push me?

-No.

-How dare you?

-OK, let's not get violent.

-After everything I've done for you.

You started this.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

After everything I've done for you!

I was your friend when no-one was your friend!

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Amanda's having threesomes with a squaddie!

Right, well, I can't top that, so I'm off.

-Thanks for a great evening, Anne.

-Do you want to share a taxi, or...?

DOOR SLAMS