Episode 6 Motherland


Episode 6

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Transcript


LineFromTo

I know you're in there.

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SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR

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I don't want anything.

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Mother!

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Anyway, I just want to say that I found a nanny, a wonderful nanny.

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I think you'd really like her. I mean, she's a lot like you.

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She's just much, much younger than you, but, God, she's so great!

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Erm, I just wanted to say that I'm...

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I'm sorry.

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I mean, I'm not sorry for anything that I've done, cos obviously you really landed me in it,

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but I'm sorry that we live in a patriarchy and that modern economics is skewed in favour of men.

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I'm sorry that our generation are so reliant on our parents as a result.

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So, I am sorry for the system.

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I apologise for the system!

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Which I have to say that your generation is almost entirely responsible for.

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I'm not laying that on you, Mum.

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Mum?

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Anyway, I'm sorry.

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Thank you, Julia.

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You know, when me and your dad started off, I was in the same position.

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I didn't feel listened to...

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See you later!

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Love you, love you!

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Oh, hey, just quickly, erm,

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I got the clothes that they seem to have grown out of and I separated

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out the ones that, you know,

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might have a bit of sentimental value,

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-but I just took the rest to Oxfam. I hope that's OK.

-OK?

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That's wonderful!

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I mean, maybe you could do the same with my bra drawer. That would be great.

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-You're classic, mate, honestly.

-Oh, did you put those there?

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That's...lovely. Photographs of me with the children

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on a heart tree metal thing, not in a drawer.

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God, you are wonderful!

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Oh, you all are, obviously my children are wonderful, but you are great.

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You are great!

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Go! All right? You're going to be late!

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Is that almond or apricot?

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Oh, hi, Lindsey, sorry to bother you, are you OK?

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Oh, it's a message. Sorry, I'm being really stupid!

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Erm, I was just phoning because, erm,

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I'd love to put the kids to bed tonight, so if you could keep them up for me, that would be great.

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OK. Love you.

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No! Sorry!

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"Love you." What am I like?

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OK, bye.

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Oh, you, you go ahead, I'm still, erm, choosing.

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OK, yeah, thanks, Camilla.

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Yeah, bye.

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-You did it.

-Of course I did it.

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-He's going to host?

-We've got Hammond.

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He's definitely out of hospital, yeah?

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Ha-ha! Yeah, he's out of hospital.

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You're killing it this month.

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-Oh, my God, I've totally caught up. It's Lindsey.

-Lindsey?

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Oh, my new nanny. I mean, she's just the business.

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She is, God, she's super-smart, she's such a laugh,

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she's so on it and she knows all these little life hacks that just make my life so...

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I mean, if you're going to have someone in your house, you know, who you don't know,

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you've got to have a laugh, haven't you?

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I mean, like, this morning, Liz...

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Lindsey was... This is her sense of humour, OK?

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So, the kids, they found this...

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SHE CHUCKLES

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They found this dead frog in the garden and Liz...

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Lindsey picked it up and she was about to...

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OK, great stuff. Whatever it is you're doing, just keep doing it, Julia.

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-Great!

-OK?

-Thanks, Andrew.

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Charlie, your shoes. Charlie, your shoes!

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-You all right?

-I'm all right.

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You, erm, got rid of that coat?

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Didn't suit me.

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You look knackered.

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Cheers.

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You've had your eyebrows done.

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-Debbie Louise threaded them at her spa.

-Really?

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Very Shane Warne.

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Raargh!

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All right, come on, get your shoes on. Go, go, go, go, go!

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Come on, mate!

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So, erm, listen, we've got to talk about when Debbie Louise has the baby,

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I'm going to, erm, have to reduce child maintenance for obvious reasons.

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Oh, yeah, about that,

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I think you forgot to tell the CSA about the wage increase you had in January.

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Yeah, but don't worry, easy fix. I went to the Citizens Advice Bureau

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and they said you've been underpaying me for the last 13 months,

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so, backdated, that's 1,800 quid.

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Oh, and watch out for Charlie.

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He drank all of the baby's lactulose,

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so he might have a bit of diarrhoea in about four hours.

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Have a good time, kid!

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-See you Sunday!

-Hang on...

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I just don't see what's so complicated.

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You write a message in here, and everyone who's in the channel can see it.

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It just means we can keep track of conversations better.

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Why can't we just use WhatsApp? Amanda always said it was simplest.

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Well, Amanda's not around any more, is she?

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And I'm afraid she's wrong, anyway,

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because WhoZis is much easier to use than WhatsApp.

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-I like Facebook.

-WhoZis is much cleverer than Facebook.

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It has channels.

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Look, it's, it's...

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So simple.

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Say you want to talk about, I don't know, baking.

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You post it in the cakes channel.

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Then if you're not interested in baking,

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you just press remove to take you out of it.

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That way, you won't get bombarded with notifications about cakes.

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Oh, has everyone remembered to turn on their notifications?

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-How do you do that?

-It's in settings.

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It's... It's so simple.

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Is this why no-one's been replying to me about the Pistachios protest?

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It's still not a breast-feeding friendly cafe, guys.

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Hello, everyone. Budge up, Kevin.

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Listen, now, I don't think we should do the Pistachios protest.

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-What? Why?

-Because it's a business and businesses bring wealth to the

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community. We can't be telling businesses what to do, guys.

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Is that your Daily Mail there, Anne?

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No, that's mine. Do you want it?

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Excuse me.

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-Liz, Liz.

-I'm not going over there, Kevin.

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Socket's here. I like to be beside the socket.

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-I'm charging.

-But you're by the toilets,

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and you keep getting the breeze from the door.

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I like being by the toilets and I like the breeze from the door.

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-I like it here.

-Yeah.

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You're missing out. We've just shared a croissant between three of us.

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-How have you been, Kevin?

-Oh, great, great.

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Might be going back to work soon.

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Oh. Oh, that's great, I guess.

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-How did that happen?

-You know how Jill and I have been seeing someone

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about Jill's... Not unhappiness, that's too strong a...

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Her melancholy, let's say.

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No, even that...

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-Her sorrow?

-Anyway.

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Anyway, our counsellor thought we needed to shake things up,

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so Jill's going to go back to being a full-time mum and I'm...

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I'm going to go back to work.

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I'm actually really looking forward to it.

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I'm so glad we started seeing that counsellor,

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even though everything was fine and we didn't need to.

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-How are you?

-I'm all right.

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-Seen Julia?

-Oh, Kevin, stop asking.

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PHONE BUZZES

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Oh, no, Anne!

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This should be in the school channel.

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Can you delete and repost?

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How do you delete?

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Oh, shit.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Lindsey! Lindsey, sorry, I forgot my keys!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Lindsey?

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TEXT ALERT

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Oh, hey, so sorry, Julia.

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Oh, don't be silly. Don't you remember I asked if you'd, erm,

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-keep them up for me?

-Yeah, I know,

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it's just I didn't want to break their routine, so...

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Oh, right, OK, it's just that... I thought you said that you would.

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-Never mind.

-Yeah, yeah. Oh, hey, Monday I have my aromatherapy course,

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so, would you be able to do school pick-up?

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Oh, yeah, great.

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Oh, Julia? That's not where we leave bags now.

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-Oh, right, sorry.

-OK.

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Sorry, hate leaving messages.

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I won't ramble, I promise.

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Nothing worse than that.

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Goodness, some of the long, rambling messages I've heard in my time, I don't know.

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Erm... Just, just wanted to check, Anne,

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if you saw the post I put up about an hour ago.

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Eye-opening, to say the least.

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It actually says, erm...

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E-MAIL ALERT

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It, it actually, erm...

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Erm... Oh, bugger off!

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A stroke?

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What, that lovely caretaker man that used to open the gate?

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-When did that happen?

-A couple of weeks ago.

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Oh, God, poor, erm...

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Oh.

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-Tommy.

-Tommy, yeah, Tommy.

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-Was there a funeral?

-Well, hopefully not. He's still alive.

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It was just a mild stroke.

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He is happily recuperating in St Dominic's.

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Did you not get my message? You should have got a WhoZis alert.

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Oh, that's what that was. Yeah, I got about 12 of those.

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One just said "Cake".

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Oh, that's because you've got to remove yourself from the cake channel.

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Is that why we're all jammed up here?

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Yes, it's a bit of a makeshift system till he gets back.

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I know it's my fault, but I'm going to have to mark you all down as late.

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-Bye.

-Bye.

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Don't worry about Liz. She doesn't hold a grudge.

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She just sometimes finds it hard to let go of resentment.

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That's literally what holding a grudge means.

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You just said she didn't hold a grudge and then you just described a grudge.

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See you, Kevin.

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-Oh, did...? Did you see Julia back there, Liz?

-Kevin!

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-I just th-think she'd love it...

-Kevin, drop it, all right?

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The only team Julia is on is Team Julia.

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I don't need any more users in my life.

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-I'm doing a purge.

-She's just been under a lot of stress.

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Oh, bloody hell, Kevin, you're exhausting.

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No... Don't we all need to try and make the best of things?

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What, should we all just give up?

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I've just found out I've got a job interview on Wednesday.

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I don't want to go back to work.

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I've fucked myself.

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I've fucked myself in the arse.

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I've fucked myself right up the arse.

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But we just have to make the best of it.

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All right, sweary Mary!

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Sorry. The baby didn't hear, did he?

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Do you have to do the interview?

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Yes. It's... It's complicated.

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I have to at least look willing.

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Do the interview. Just don't get the job.

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I've not got hundreds of jobs. It's not as hard as you think.

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Oh, I don't know. I'm not good at things like that.

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You don't have to do much, just do something weird.

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-Like what?

-Winking.

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Try winking at them. That's how I got out of jury service.

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Hi, Lindsey. I'm working from home this afternoon.

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What's all...? Who are all these...? CHATTER

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-Excuse me.

-Hello.

-Hey, just a sec.

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Hi, Jules. Erm, oh, did you pick up any milk?

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Erm, no, no, I thought that we had... Never mind.

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You could pick some up on your way in tomorrow.

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-I could get some later, or...

-Thanks. That would be amazing.

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Thanks. Now, listen, I was thinking 3.30. Yeah.

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OK, well, thanks.

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I'll, erm, I'll just get on with my work, or...

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..Talking to the mothers like this, I think your child...

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Oh, sorry!

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-Hi, Mum.

-Hi, kids.

-Hi.

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-BABY FUSSES

-Sh!

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CHATTER AND LAUGHTER FROM KITCHEN

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Jesus!

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Can't we just use e-mail? I really think e-mail is the best way to go.

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Hi, hi, hi. Sorry to interrupt.

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Erm, I, I've bought a card for the caretaker bloke.

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-It just seemed that no-one...

-No, yes, yes, I tried to organise this.

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It's under "card" in the collections channel.

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Anne, did you not get that message?

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I deleted it. I deleted the app.

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-You deleted the app?

-Yeah, I did.

-Anne, for goodness' sake.

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ALL TALK AT ONCE Sorry...

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Could someone sign the ruddy card? SILENCE

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Thanks.

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DOORBELL CHIMES

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-Hiya.

-Oh!

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-Hello.

-Have you got a minute?

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Oh, she's great. Oh, God, the kids love her.

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She's so funny. She actually reminds me a bit of me.

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What can I do for you, Julia?

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Oh, yeah, I thought you might want to sign the card for Tommy.

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School caretaker. They said he'd had a stroke.

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Right. Oh.

0:14:490:14:51

Oh, my God. Look how much room Anne's signature is taking up.

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Why don't you come back to the cafe and organise a new card?

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This is what you're good at. Cards and...

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This stuff. I mean, I'm totally out of my depth here.

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No-one's organising anything, I mean, he's...

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No-one's even visited him.

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If Kevin or Anne want to organise a present, I'd be happy to contribute.

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Amanda, no-one respects Kevin, and Anne is nuts.

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Come on, this is what you're good at, organising shit,

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you know, getting ladies to do...stuff for a good cause.

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You know why I can't go back.

0:15:220:15:24

Because of the squaddie? Everybody's forgotten about that.

0:15:240:15:27

That's yesterday's news.

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I mean, God! Way more exciting things have happened since then.

0:15:290:15:32

Tanya got refused planning permission for a side return, they might have to move.

0:15:320:15:35

Yeah, everyone's still talking about the threesome, but who cares?

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I care.

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Julia, I am a very private person.

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Very discreet.

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Unlike someone like Anne, who will blabbermouth about anything.

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You know she told everyone how much my kitchen cost.

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If she hadn't literally just had a breast reduction that week,

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-I would have had it out with her.

-Anne's had a breast reduction?

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I was told that in confidence, though.

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Anyway, I am not giving them the satisfaction.

0:16:020:16:05

Oh, come on, Amanda, you are wasted just sitting around here.

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Why do you care, Julia?

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I've never seen you give two craps about anything that doesn't benefit you.

0:16:100:16:13

That's not...

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Why don't you just go and visit him yourself?

0:16:160:16:19

I'm sure he'd appreciate that, at least.

0:16:190:16:21

Sorry, Peter should be with us shortly,

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he's just dealing with a disciplinary thing with some parents.

0:16:290:16:32

We can start the interview now, if that's OK with you.

0:16:320:16:35

-No problem at all.

-OK. So, first things first,

0:16:350:16:38

I see you've had experience with year fives before.

0:16:380:16:41

Yeah. It was great.

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Mainly maths and a bit of science.

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KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

0:16:530:16:54

OK, so I'll just go so you can pop your top off

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and leave your clothes on the chair.

0:17:000:17:03

-I won't be popping my top off.

-OK, you can use a...

0:17:030:17:05

Liz, what are you doing here?

0:17:070:17:09

I'm phoning Lee.

0:17:090:17:11

It's lunchtime, I suppose he might be up.

0:17:110:17:14

-SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

-This is...nice. What's this?

0:17:140:17:17

Rainforest Sounds, Volume One.

0:17:170:17:19

Can't beat the rainforest's early stuff.

0:17:210:17:23

Do you think people who live in rainforests never get angry?

0:17:230:17:26

Well, I can turn it off if you want?

0:17:260:17:28

Better not.

0:17:280:17:29

Look, sorry to come to your work.

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I have been asking to meet you for a while now.

0:17:340:17:36

OK. Well, he didn't say anything.

0:17:360:17:39

Of course he didn't.

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Look, it is what it is.

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We're in each other's lives now, our kids are going to be related.

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We have to make the best of it.

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SILENCE

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SOOTHING MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

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So, look, a few things to bear in mind with Lee.

0:17:570:18:00

Don't get a joint bank account with him.

0:18:000:18:03

Don't stop talking to your mum because of him.

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Even if he makes you feel like it's you and him against the world.

0:18:060:18:09

Why are you telling me this?

0:18:090:18:10

Because it's hard having a baby.

0:18:100:18:13

Don't get me wrong, it'll be the best thing that's ever happened to you, but it is hard.

0:18:130:18:18

It's even harder having one with Lee, so make friends.

0:18:180:18:22

Make good friends.

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You're going to need them.

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I bet you're glad I kept my top on now.

0:18:290:18:31

-Jesus, that hasn't got sugar in it, has it?

-That's my decaf.

0:18:370:18:40

-Decaf?

-Well, if you haven't asked me to move up,

0:18:400:18:43

I'd be sitting next to my drink, wouldn't I?

0:18:430:18:44

You see, this is what happens when you start bossing people around,

0:18:440:18:47

we all end up drinking each other's drinks.

0:18:470:18:51

CONVERSATIONS STOP

0:18:510:18:53

A latte, please. Thank you.

0:19:030:19:05

Budge up, Anne.

0:19:100:19:12

His name was Bobby, he was about 28 years old,

0:19:240:19:26

it happened a few times when Johnny and I were going through a rough patch.

0:19:260:19:30

It's something we thought would bring us closer together, and in many ways it did.

0:19:330:19:37

The end.

0:19:370:19:38

When... When did he pop by?

0:19:410:19:44

Afternoon or evening?

0:19:440:19:45

Erm... Lunchtimes. Usually.

0:19:450:19:49

-How did you find the time?

-How did Johnny get off work?

0:19:490:19:52

All right, slow down.

0:19:520:19:54

Erm, we just made time.

0:19:540:19:56

It was usually a Wednesday.

0:19:560:19:57

Johnny would call in sick and I would come back after the drop-off.

0:19:580:20:02

Don't you have the cleaner on a Wednesday?

0:20:050:20:07

LAUGHTER

0:20:070:20:09

What sort of thing would you get up to?

0:20:090:20:12

Oh, hello, Kevin, what are you doing here?

0:20:120:20:15

Oh, Lindsey, is there any chance you could stay a bit later tonight?

0:20:240:20:26

Just an extra ten minutes, extra 15 minutes?

0:20:260:20:29

-Oh.

-I just have to go and see someone from school, in hospital,

0:20:290:20:33

and I'll be straight back. I promise I'll be back by 7.15.

0:20:330:20:36

I don't think he's getting any other visitors, so...

0:20:370:20:40

He's had a stroke.

0:20:420:20:43

It's a bit sad.

0:20:450:20:47

Is... Is that OK?

0:20:470:20:49

Yeah, no, like... It's fine, I'd...

0:20:510:20:53

I'd just love to know if this is going to become a regular thing.

0:20:550:20:57

Someone in school having a stroke?

0:20:590:21:01

I don't know. I don't think so.

0:21:020:21:04

Yeah, it's just, erm...

0:21:040:21:06

The last family that I worked for, they used to really,

0:21:060:21:11

really take the piss, and I'm not saying that's going to happen between,

0:21:110:21:15

you know, us, but...

0:21:150:21:18

Do you know what? Forget I said anything.

0:21:190:21:23

Go, have fun.

0:21:230:21:25

Oh, Julia.

0:21:280:21:30

Can you take the recycling out, please?

0:21:300:21:32

Hi, Tommy, hello. Hi, I just wanted to bring you a token, it's just a...

0:21:410:21:45

It's a bottle of whisky.

0:21:450:21:47

Mrs Lamb said it was your tipple of choice.

0:21:470:21:49

And a card, it's just to say get well

0:21:490:21:52

and thank you for everything that you do.

0:21:520:21:56

I'm not sure exactly what it is you do do, but, I mean,

0:21:560:21:59

certainly gate opening hasn't been the same since you...

0:21:590:22:03

It's just a whole new system.

0:22:030:22:04

And, look, I'm sorry for not saying hello or thanking you,

0:22:060:22:11

it's just that I've been rushing...

0:22:110:22:12

..everywhere, there's just never any time.

0:22:180:22:20

But it's better now because I've got this nanny.

0:22:240:22:26

Erm... She's really great, I mean...

0:22:280:22:32

She's a bit...

0:22:320:22:33

I don't know if it's her manner

0:22:340:22:36

or if it's because she's Australian, but she's abrupt.

0:22:360:22:40

She... She knows what she wants. She's a powerhouse.

0:22:400:22:43

A bit rude. I'm actually quite scared of her.

0:22:430:22:46

I winked my head off, Liz.

0:22:470:22:49

I winked during the interview, I winked after the interview.

0:22:490:22:52

I think I winked more than I blinked, but nothing.

0:22:520:22:55

Nothing seemed to faze her.

0:22:550:22:56

I mean, I like order and labels and storage solutions,

0:22:560:22:59

you should see my spice cupboard.

0:22:590:23:00

I mean, not now, but you should have a look when you're feeling better.

0:23:000:23:03

-Oh. Hiya.

-Hiya.

0:23:080:23:10

-What are you doing here?

-Same as you.

0:23:100:23:13

That's not Tommy, though.

0:23:130:23:14

-What do you mean?

-That's not Tommy.

0:23:140:23:16

That's not Tommy.

0:23:170:23:18

I don't know what that means.

0:23:200:23:21

It's just what it means, that's not Tommy.

0:23:210:23:24

All right?

0:23:240:23:25

In the hospital channel it said room 12.

0:23:260:23:28

Oh, we're not using WhoZis any more, we're back on WhatsApp.

0:23:280:23:31

Oh, let him have the whisky.

0:23:340:23:36

Liz, I just wanted to say that you were right about me.

0:23:410:23:45

Do you want to go for a drink after this, or...?

0:23:470:23:50

-Yeah, why not. Pub?

-Yeah, yeah, great.

0:23:500:23:53

Shit, my nanny won't want to baby...

0:23:530:23:56

Do you want to come back to mine, or...?

0:23:560:23:58

-Yeah, OK.

-Yeah.

0:23:580:24:00

-AMANDA:

-And we enrolled you in the Whisky Of The Month Club,

0:24:000:24:02

so you'll be getting one of these every month.

0:24:020:24:04

Oh, that's... Thank you!

0:24:040:24:07

Oh, Tommy, don't mention it. We leave our kids with people every day,

0:24:070:24:10

we can only hope they're with people as lovely as you.

0:24:100:24:12

-Bless you.

-I'm welling up here.

0:24:120:24:16

Thanks, everyone. I can't tell you, I really...

0:24:160:24:19

I really appreciate it. I was lucky.

0:24:190:24:23

I don't know if I'll get the feeling back in the left side of my body, but...

0:24:230:24:26

Yes, yes, yes! I didn't get the job!

0:24:260:24:29

I didn't get the stupid job!

0:24:290:24:30

Oh!

0:24:330:24:35

She's asked me out for a drink.

0:24:350:24:36

Sorry, go on.

0:24:390:24:40

Wait, so, you ask her to do things and she doesn't do them.

0:24:430:24:47

No. Well, yes, but she did sort the Lego into sizes.

0:24:470:24:52

And the Sylvanians are all dressed.

0:24:520:24:55

But she gets you to make her food while she puts them to bed?

0:24:550:24:58

No... Well, yes.

0:24:580:25:00

But only if I'm in the kitchen at that time.

0:25:000:25:02

I mean, she's great. She's just so...

0:25:020:25:04

Oh, God, she's the best...

0:25:040:25:06

I don't like her. I really don't like her, Liz.

0:25:060:25:09

I don't know, Julia. It sounds like you don't like her.

0:25:090:25:12

Oh, God, what am I going to do?

0:25:120:25:14

I finally found someone that can help me, I'm at work on time,

0:25:140:25:17

the children have never been so clean, but it's just that she's...

0:25:170:25:20

She's just a bit of a prick.

0:25:200:25:22

Tell her to piss the piss off.

0:25:220:25:25

Oh, God, that's her. Sh!

0:25:250:25:26

-Hey, Lindsey, hi.

-Hi.

0:25:290:25:30

This is my friend Liz. This is Lindsey. Lindsey, this is Liz.

0:25:300:25:33

-All right.

-We're just... We were just talking about how...

0:25:330:25:36

We were just talking about Trump and what a bit of a prick he is.

0:25:370:25:40

Yeah. Well, listen, I'm off now.

0:25:420:25:45

I'm going to come in an hour late tomorrow

0:25:450:25:47

because obviously I had to work late tonight.

0:25:470:25:50

I've left the dishes in the dishwasher this time because

0:25:500:25:53

that's really not my job, and I have said that a couple of times now.

0:25:530:25:57

But, guys, have a great night.

0:25:570:25:58

Lindsey, Lindsey, I just want to say...

0:25:580:25:59

I just want to say I'm really sorry, we're moving to America.

0:25:590:26:02

Hiya. Just want to check in, see how you are.

0:26:120:26:16

I haven't seen you for a while.

0:26:160:26:17

The kids have made you something.

0:26:170:26:19

Oh, how sweet of them!

0:26:190:26:21

How is the nanny getting on?

0:26:210:26:23

Good. Really good.

0:26:230:26:26

Had to let her go. It's fine.

0:26:260:26:28

I'm on it. But while I'm getting on it, is there a way...?

0:26:280:26:33

Any possibility that you could pick up the reins just for a little bit?

0:26:330:26:38

Oh, well, I'm going to stay in Dorking for a while.

0:26:380:26:41

With your sister just having had a baby,

0:26:410:26:43

I feel I need to be there for her. Give her a hand with all that.

0:26:430:26:47

OK. Great. Very good. Well, I better go.

0:26:530:26:56

Give me the pasta necklace back.

0:27:170:27:19

Give it to me.

0:27:190:27:20

Unbelievable!

0:27:220:27:23

-See you at the park later?

-TOMMY:

-Morning.

0:27:360:27:38

Morning!

0:27:420:27:43

Go, go, go!

0:27:430:27:45

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