Christmas Special: Mammy's Ass Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains some strong language

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.'

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

Shit!

Hello, and merry Christmas to you.

Don't you just love Christmas? It's my favourite time of the year!

Although I feel sorry for people with young children.

It's getting harder and harder for Santa Claus to keep them happy.

One year, Dermot asked me for something to wear and something to play with.

I got him a pair of trousers and I cut the pockets out.

He still has them!

Oh, right. That's the decorating finished.

You know, it can be a lonely time, Christmas.

A lot of people think "lonely" means "alone" - it doesn't.

You can be lonely in a packed room

if the one person you're missing isn't there.

Well, I won't be lonely this Christmas.

This is my son Trevor.

He's away on the missions and I haven't seen him for four years.

But this Christmas he's coming home.

Agnes?

-There's tea made there, Winnie! Is it snowing yet?

-No.

Feck it!

Anyway, with Trevor coming home,

I want to make this a really special Christmas!

Grandad, there's tea made!

Grandad?

Grandad?!

Must be asleep...

or feckin' dead.

Either one suits me.

# Stuff the turkey's arse with holly

# Tra-la-la-la-la

# La-la la-la

# Tis the season to be jolly

# To...

# It is the sea...

# To do the jolly... #

Winnie, is this feckin' happy hour?

It's Jacko's job. They've put him on a three-day week.

Jeez, he won't like that - having to work an extra day.

It's not funny, Agnes Brown. We can barely manage as it is.

I won't be able to afford Jacko's medicine. I'll lose the house.

I'll be livin' on the streets, in and out of hostels. I'll probably become a junkie!

What'll I do, Agnes?

If I was you, I'd go home and feckin' hang meself!

"Lose the house." Sure, your rent is only a couple of euro a month.

And your house is in such shite the council wouldn't take it back if you asked them.

I never thought of that.

Here, I could get a job!

-I gave up my career when I married Jacko!

-Winnie, Mrs Whippy's not a career!

But you're right - you could get a job.

Maybe you could work for one of those escort agencies.

-Do you think?

-Oh, yes! I'm sure loads of rich men want to go out with their ugly feckin' granny!

No, I was joking!

But you're right - you could get a job.

It'd give you something to do.

And I'm going to be busy on the stall coming up to Christmas.

Come in there for a week - that'll give you a few bob.

Thanks, Agnes. You know, you're right, pet.

The Lord doesn't close one door, but he opens another one.

Is right, Winnie. Now you open that door and feck off!

-Morning!

-You're up early, Maria.

I thought you weren't in work till two o'clock!

THEY CHUCKLE

Did you just bang your breast off the table?

Told you shouldn't have gone for the enlargement.

-Morning!

-Hello, love. Maria, you're up early.

-Yeah. Any news?

-Yes, actually. Father Quinn's asked me to be in the Nativity play.

-Really?

-Yes.

-As what?

-The Virgin Mary, I think.

Seriously?

Well, that's great!

-Morning, everybody!

-Morning, love!

Good morning. Do you want a cup of tea, Henry?

-Henry?

-Who the hell is Henry?

-Henry - Santa Claus' reindeer.

-He didn't have a reindeer called Henry!

Yes, he did - Henry the brown-nosed reindeer.

Just as fast as Rudolph, but he couldn't stop as quick!

Well, I'm not Henry.

But you are a gorgeous reindeer.

Anyway, I'd better go. I'll see yous later.

Hang on. I'll be with you. Mammy, hold the tea - I'm going.

Hey, Dermot, I think it's going to snow today!

I don't think so, Ma.

For feck's sake!

DOORBELL RINGS

Do you know, I forget how lucky I am sometimes -

especially this year, with Trevor coming home.

For the first time in four years...

-I'm going to have all me family together for Christmas.

-SHE CHUCKLES

Oh. Hello, Higgley.

-HILLARY CLEARS THROAT

-Come in!

Would you like some tea, Higgley?

-Do you have anything that's not a mug?

-The dog's dish!

Hmm. No thanks, Agnes.

It's just a brief visit. Are Maria and Dermot here?

No, you just missed them. She kissed him on the horn and off they went!

I see you've started the decorations.

Started? Yes, I've a bit more to do yet. Yep, yep.

We had over a thousand lights up last year, all over the place!

Oh, we had lots of lights.

I was afraid to count them in case Christmas'd be over before I finished.

We had to go outside and divert the aeroplanes.

"This is not the airport. Keep going!"

They'd all go... Over Queen's Head, down... Mm-hm.

Yes, well, I just called to ask you,

is there any food that Dermot either doesn't like or is allergic to?

Jesus, no! If you left your arm on the table long enough, he'd eat it.

Good! I'm just planning the Christmas Day menu

and I want to make sure I don't make any mistakes!

-Right, I'll be off!

-Hold on, hold on a sec. Wait a second. Wait a second.

Hold on a second, now. Stick on the handbrake there.

Dermot and Maria will be having their Christmas dinner HERE, with the family!

No, no. I've already spoken to Maria and she has confirmed -

they'll be spending their first married Christmas at the Nicholson household.

Right, then. I'll leave you with it.

You obviously have a lot more decorating to do.

I'm so looking forward to a family Christmas.

Bye!

SAD MUSIC PLAYS

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Isn't she a bitch?!

-Have them.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-Hello, Mrs Brown!

-Hello, Buster! Is it snowing out there?

No.

For feck's sake!

I have the deal of the century.

What is it?

Chocolate Kimberley - the Christmas presentation tin. Only two euro!

-Buster, are these stolen?

-No, no. More or less legit.

I bought 2,000 tins - for 50 cent a tin!

That IS a good price!

I should mention in the interest of fairness

that there are chocolate biscuits and presentation boxes

from all kinds of manufacturers,

available in stores all over the United Kingdom.

Aren't there, Buster?

Yeah!

Best before... Buster, these are last year's!

Watch!

Now they're this year's!

And you owe me 50 euro for the turkey!

Oh, when can you deliver him?

CLUCKING

You didn't?!

-Well, you said "fresh"!

-I didn't mean in the feckin' egg!

What am I supposed to feed him?

I don't know.

He likes Chocolate Kimberley!

-What's he doing here alive?

-I'm sure he's looking at you thinking the same feckin' thing.

It's like a feckin' zoo in there.

A turkey and a pig!

You still working, Cathy?

No. I'm on just chatting on Facebook!

What were you doing upstairs?

-Practising me audition!

-What audition?

Father Quinn's asked me to be in the Nativity!

-Really?

-Yes!

-As what?

Virgin Mary, I think!

No, really?

Lovely. That'll be fun!

Do you want to see me audition? Watch, watch!

She's side saddle on her donkey!

As she comes up to the inn, you see... Whoa, whoa, Caesar!

She called it after a salad!

She knocks on the door - boom, boom, boom! - and the innkeeper...

"Hello. Who's there?" And Mary says "I am - Mary!"

So he opens the door and goes, "There is no room at the inn!"

And she says, "But... But I am exhausted.

"I have come across the desert on my ass."

And the innkeeper said, "And a lovely ass it is, too!"

And his wife heard this so she comes over and she goes,

"Are you all right, Madam? Are you pregnant?

And Mary said, "No, excuse me. First name - Virgin.

"But I do go to WeightWatchers.

"That's why I'm on the salad!" Ha-ha!

It's good, isn't it?

-It's great!

-Ah, thanks, love. Thanks very much!

-So, how's Winnie doing?

-Winnie's doing grand.

She's going to be a consumer advocate for a magazine.

They'll send her products. She tries them out, writes a little report and sends it in.

That's fantastic!

They said that she's the perfect consumer.

Baffles me - she buys fuck all!

Well, good for her!

"Good for her" is right!

-Oh, dear. The signal is going.

-Why does that always happen when I'm feckin' near it?

I don't know, Mammy - must be all the static you collect.

-Want me to do the usual?

-That'd be great. Thanks, Mammy!

There it is, back again!

And now look - Trevor says hello from the missions!

-Aw! Tell him that Mammy was...

-Signal!

Tell him his mammy loves him and I'm counting the days till he gets home.

What's he saying?

Er, he says he's counting them too.

You know, sometimes I sit in the kitchen, thinking about him coming home for Christmas,

and I'm fit to feckin' burst with excitement!

He's just the same, he says!

Did you see what Trevor wrote on Facebook?

It's exciting, isn't it?!

HE SQUEALS

I swear to God that child has to get looser underpants!

Here, Cathy, I had Mrs Nicholson over.

Do you know what she said?

She thinks Dermot and Maria are going to her house for Christmas!

They are. And they are worried about having to tell you.

They're right to be worried.

Hiya, Dermo. All right, Maria?

-Howya, Buster?

-Is your ma here?

-No, she's not back from the stall yet.

-Good.

-What are you doing here?

-I have to kill the turkey.

And your ma said I was to do it when she wasn't here.

-God, I don't know if I want to be here either.

-Yeah. Me neither.

-Right. Here we go!

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Hello, Mr Turkey.

Nice Mr Turkey...

-All right, Mammy?

-I'm grand, son.

D'you know, I've been thinking.

-Yeah?

-Maria, we have you here all year round.

I think it might be a good idea if the two of yous

went to Maria's mother's for Christmas dinner this year.

-Well, if you think it's a good idea...

-Then you can come back here for tea,

and we have tea together with the whole family!

That'd be great, Mammy. Tea in our house.

-The family tea!

-And with Trevor home, a really special one!

Yeah!

-Are you all right?

-I couldn't do it, Dermo.

CLUCKING

He said my name.

B-u-u-u-uster.

-Winnie, where's Mammy?

-She's doing her audition for Father Quinn.

Not any more, she's not. Look at this!

How did your audition go?

It went well. Father Quinn made a couple of adjustments.

I think did enough to get the part. Thank you, Mr Foley!

-Well, good for you, Agnes!

-Cheers!

A bale of hay for the donkey, Mr Foley!

I'd better go in and water this donkey. You must be bursting, are you?

I'll hold your tail.

Haven't held a tail in a while!

-Betty, love, we'd better make a move.

-Aye.

-Mark, someone needs to tell Mammy about Trevor.

-I don't mind.

It's not as easy as you think.

Look...Mammy's just going to have to accept it. Trevor's not coming home - that's that!

AGNES CHUCKLES

I tried to cock me leg but I couldn't reach the bowl!

-Right, we'd better go - have to get back to the babysitter.

-Yeah, night, Ma.

-Night, son.

Mammy, before he goes,

Mark has something he wants to say to you. Don't you, Mark?

What, love?

Well, Ma, you know the way everybody is really busy at Christmas?

Yes. You're lucky if you can get everything done. You're flying...

Now, is this about my Christmas present? You're not to be getting me anything big.

We're not - just a token present.

Feckin' token?

It better be a token shaped like a flat-screen TV!

Never mind that. Go on, Mark!

-Well, Ma, it's about Trevor coming home.

-Yes, love?

-I just want you to know that...

-Yes, love?

-..no matter how busy it gets...

-Yes?

..I'll be at the airport to meet him. OK, let's go.

-He's a good boy. Good boy, son!

-Wait for me...you chicken shit!

Dear Sir or Madam.

No, no. To whom it may concern...

Regarding your product, Hollywood Celebrity eye drops...

..we have discovered a flaw.

When administered the recommended dose of 23 drops...

It's two to three drops!

Scrap the letter! Just mark it.

-What are we marking it out of?

-Out of ten.

Well, give it a... Oh, just put down "shite".

And that's it, Winnie. That's the last one.

-No there's one more, Agnes!

-No, love, we're done.

-Agnes, look.

Oh!

-Mother of Jesus! What's that?

-It's a crash helmet.

-How do I test that?

-Slip it on and I'll throw you at the fuckin' wall!

Seriously, Agnes, what am I going to do with it?

AGNES SIGHS

Grandad...

we have ear muffs for you.

You'll like these. Wait till you see this... Now, this is lovely! Now...

He looks like Marlon Brando.

Rebel Without "Applause".

How are you, Grandad?

-Hello, son!

-How are you, Mammy?

-Is it snowing out there?

-No.

For feck's sake!

Mammy, why is Grandad wearing a crash helmet?

-One of Winnie's products we had to test.

-Oh!

-We had a bit of fun with it, didn't we, Grandad?

-No.

Wait till you see this, Rory. Sing, Grandad. Sing the song for Rory!

-NO!

-Come on! Rory, press play on that.

Wait till you hear this, it's fantastic! It's a cowboy song.

Come on, Grandad! Here we go!

One, two, three, four!

# An old cowboy went riding out one dark and windy day... #

Yee-ha!

# He rested on his way

# When all at once a herd of red-eyed cows he saw

# A-ploughing through the ragged sky

# And up the cloudy draw. #

Not bad, is it?

Mammy, I don't know how Grandad puts up with you.

He loves the attention. Don't you, Grandad?

Oh!

Me balls have fallen off!

SHE CHUCKLES TRIUMPHANTLY

Grandad!

Grandad, I'm stuck!

Give me a hand down!

HE CHUCKLES

You bastard!

See? I didn't feckin' need ya.

Oh, shit!

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it, I'll get it!

-Hello, Dino. Come in, son.

-Thanks, Mrs Brown.

-I think it's going to snow tonight.

-No, it's quite mild, actually.

Feck's sake! Do you want a cup of tea?

No, we're going straight out.

You probably need some time on your own. You must be upset with the news about Trevor.

T-Trevor? What about Trevor?

You know - about him not coming home for Christmas.

Right, are we moving?

Faster than I ever did in my life.

SAD MUSIC PLAYS, SHE SOBS

SHE SOBS

Hiya, Mammy.

Hello, son.

What's wrong?

Trevor's not coming home.

-I know.

-I knew it! I knew you knew it. I feckin' knew it!

Mammy, he just can't make it.

-Ugh, yeah.

-He wanted to come home.

-He just...can't.

-Did he REALLY want to come home?

Yes, Mammy, he did!

Well, then, that'll do me.

The next best thing to being here is wanting to be here.

That will do me.

I wonder, would there be such a fuss if it was me that wasn't coming home?

Oh, for God's sake, Cathy.

Of course not!

Nobody feckin' likes you!

I'm joking!

What's this?

The Nativity play.

-Did you get your part?

-Yes.

-The Virgin Mary?

-No.

-The innkeeper's wife?

-No.

One of the three wise men?

Not if I grew me own feckin' beard!

Ah, don't tell me you've no lines?

Oh, I have lines all right. I spend the whole play going fuckin', "Moo, moo!"

From the Virgin Mary to the dairy.

Well, I'm glad you're able to laugh about it!

Oh, it's much easier when you've no feckin' choice.

-I have it!

-You have what?

How to kill a turkey. I got it off the internet.

"To calm the turkey, place a bag... over the head."

-Oh, God!

-"Then, with a hammer,

"strike the bird on the back of the head!"

Right. Here we go...

-I don't want to be here for this.

-Has to be done, Mammy.

Hello, Mr Turkey!

LOUD BANGING AND FRENZIED CLUCKING

COMMOTION CONTINUES

Will you stay still?!

This is not working!

Here's one of Rory's letters. Now, he was only ten.

Listen to this.

"Dear Santa, Sir or Madam...

"Please could I have an embroidery set?"

-Oh, Cathy Brown.

-What?

You were such an angry child.

"Dear red-nosed fat bastard..."

Let me see, hold on now. Oh, now, here's Trevor's. Listen!

"Dear Santa..."

"Please don't bring me anything.

"Give my present to a poor boy who has no toys."

AUDIENCE: Aww!

That'd be Trevor all right!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Rory, get the door, will ya, love?

Yes, Dermot, that WOULD be Trevor. He'd give them away,

and you'd fuckin' steal them back!

Oh, hello, everybody!

Mother!

Hello, Higgley!

I got your phone message. Thanks for the invitation.

A little something, to say "happy Christmas".

A tin of biscuits.

ALL: Chocolate Kimberley?

Why, yes!

Business is boomin'.

Hillary, why don't you sit in my chair?

Would you like a drink?

Well, perhaps a sherry.

Rory, get her a gin and tonic!

-Without lemon.

-We've no lemon. Will you have it without orange?

OK, everybody? That's ready now, Ma!

Ah, good boy! Hillary...

actually, you're just in time for the switching on of the lights!

Is everybody ready?

Three, two, one...

Wow!

Oh, my God!

-There's a bulb gone there, look!

-Shut up!

Now...a toast!

Now, wait, before you go toasting and making merry.

I think it's important that we take just a moment...

to think about the true meaning of Christmas.

In a couple of days, we're going to celebrate the birth of Santa Claus.

So, to baby Santa...

ALL: To baby Santa!

No. Not to Baby Santa. To YOU, Mammy.

No matter how tough things were -

and God knows, at times they were awful -

you always managed to make Christmas magical...for all of us.

-To Mammy.

-ALL: To Mammy!

Every child deserves Christmas.

OK. Let's have a little Christmas sing-along.

I love a sing-song!

You'll get your turn, Grandad!

No, Betty! Betty, sing the one you sang at your mother's wedding.

Maria...you sing.

Yes, Maria, with your beautiful voice, sing something Christmassy - something traditional.

# Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm

# All is bright... #

Come on - the whole family.

-ALL:

-# Round yon virgin mother and child

# Holy infant so tender and mild

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Sleep in heavenly peace. #

-Oh, Maria, that was beautiful.

-Mammy?

-Yes, love?

-Happy Christmas!

-Happy Christmas to you, son!

No, Mammy. Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas, everybody!

And a happy new year to YOUR family.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You see? There IS a Santa Claus!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

Heh-heh-heh-heh!