Live: Mammy Sutra Mrs Brown's Boys

Lighting. Good to go. Mrs Brown. Mrs Brown.

LAUGHTER Feck off! Stand by titles. Coming to

camera ten. Good luck everybody and run titles.

Welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys live! # She's Mrs Brown!

# That's Mrs Brown. APPLAUSE AND

CHEERING Police notice. A man is terrorising

the Finglas area. He is 7ft seven inches tall carrying a baseball bat.

If he knocks at your door, don't call us, do what he feckin' says.

Hello! APPLAUSE AND

CHEERING You're all very welcome to Mrs

Brown's Boys live. That mean this can't be edited.

LAUGHTER Somebody will be leaving the BBC on

Monday. And it could be Ken the cameraman.

LAUGHTER Don't touch anything, Ken. This

camera's not plugged in. I want to thank the British

broadcasting corporation and radio television Eireann which is Irish

for radio television eirean for this wonderful opportunity to address my

subjects live. What's the difference between this

episode and any other episode? Well, for a start they've put one of these

in my ear. That's so they can tell me what to

say and what not to say. Hello! Now...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Sf

It's not going to happen. You know, my mother used to say can I... Oh!

APPLAUSE Hello, Dermot, hello, Maria. Hi, ma.

Is Buster here No. Typical. He was supposed to meet me here at...

LAUGHTER Now. You look a bit befuddled, son. He is. Yeah. I might

have to let Buster go. Oh, no. You have been best friends for years.

It's not easy to let your best friend go. No, it's not. But

Dermot's the boss and the business is what's important. But why? Frozen

foods. I can see your man boobs there when you did that!

APPLAUSE This is the most important contract

I have ever had. A year's business and Buster's not doing the business.

Who is Acme frozen foods? Suppliers of frozen foods throughout the

market. Not just fresh frozen but frozen fresh. Frozen fresh for your

freezer. Famously full of flavour. APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER Sorry love, what?

Suppliers of frozen foods throughout the ready meal and convenience foods

market. Not just fresh frozen but frozen fresh. Fields of fresh food

frozen fresh for your freezer. And famously full of flavour.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Did you understand that? Yeah. Yeah, right Did you? No, what was it?

Well, they're suppliers of fresh food, frozen for your freezer. Yeah,

forget it! Well, I suppose that's a big

contract. I see. Oh, now. Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello son. You're

here. And I am ready to go. Buster, did you rehearse? I am ready. Show

us what you do when you hand out the leaflet. OK.

Be the penguin. I am, Dermot. I'm freezing.

LAUGHTER Acme frozen foods available in the

freezer section! I'll get the door. Excuse me.

I don't feel well. I know, I rang Dr Flynn and told him. That could be

him now. You were born not feeling well. You are never well. Look at

the face on you, Jesus, you look like you are the back of a bus. You

need to get more exercise. That's what's wrong with you. Changing

chaps on the television is not a workout: I tell you, your main

problem is you are a lazy... Fare! Come in Father Damien, come in.

Hello, grandad. He is not the doctor. No, it's a priest. It's

worse than we thought. I feel great. I bet you do.

Fare Damien, can I get you a cup of tea No, thanks, Mrs Brown. I just

popped in to ask a favour. What can I do for you You know MrCunningham.

The scout master. I do see him there. He is heading away to the

world scout conference. Oh, Bangkok again. You don't know what they get

up to they, do we? Sorry The devils. Anyway, he needs someone... He asked

me... Tell you what, why don't you go back to that bit again. You know

what happened there, I got excited and improvised.

APPLAUSE I won't be doing that again!

You know what, he needs someone to step in for him this week. Oh! He

gave me a list of possible leaders to ask and I wanted to know would

you do it? How many is on the list? 26. And you came to me first. Yes.

Of course. No problem, you leave it to me. Dib-dib-dib. Follow me, left

to right. Left to right! Hello, Father Damien. The sermon this

morning was lovely. Thank you, Maria. I always found the letters of

St Paul to be very inspiring. Father, it was just a comment, not a

review. You will have a cup of tea? No, thanks, Mrs Brown. I have an

appointment in Monkstown and don't even know how to get there. I know.

Are you driving or walking Driving. Yeah, that's the quickest way.

APPLAUSE Father Damien, how come you never

smell of fish? You know why. I tell you why,

because... I will tell you why. Rory says he sees you out trawling all

the time. You never smell of fish. Never. Maybe you are using the wrong

bait. I am indeed. What do you find you get, crabs? Sometimes I go for

crabs. Father Damien has asked me to step into the Boy Scout troop for

the week. I don't know about that... Don't you worry. You are in good

hands. Good then. What's that? Close your eyes. Stay rigid and just fall.

But trust me to catch you. LAUGHTER

I wouldn't trust you to catch a bucking cold. Dermot, you catch her.

You trust Dermot. With all my heart. Stand over here. Close your eyes.

Stay rigid. Yes, I am. When you are ready just fall and trust Dermot to

catch you. Oh, now, I am nervous. Don't worry, mammy, I'll catch you.

OK, love. Go! APPLAUSE AND

CHEERING I'll let myself out.

Doing your workout, Agnes? Yes, I was just warming up for my weights.

Do you want to spot me? Do you want a #ku7 of fae, Winnie? Yes, please,

I am gasp for a cupa. That Church was freezing this morning. Maria was

down there as well, what had you down on a Saturday morning? It was a

memorial mass for Quinn's husband. He is dead five years now. That flew

in, didn't it. Didn't it just. God love poor Lily. She looked really

sad. Oh, that's sad. She blames herself for his death. She did

locking shoot him. I suppose. Are you all right? No, I am not feeling

great, Agnes. I didn't sleep a wink last night. One minute I am hot then

I am cold and hot again and then itchy. Itchy? Itchy where? In bed. I

am sorry to hear that. You should go down to the doctor and get that

checked out. We are going to check that on the internet. Don't do that.

I know somebody that did that and died of a misprint. You are right,

Agnes. I am going to pop down and see Dr Flynn right now. You do and

tell him everything. I will. Oh, don't be worrying about Winnie.

Winnie's a hyper chrondiac. Somebody gets a cold and Winnie feckin'

sneezes. Who was that? It was Winnie. Do you want a cup of tea,

Cathy? Please. She's gone down to the doctor. Says she's not well.

Yeah, Sharron said something about that last night. I hope it's nothing

serious. Serious, what do you mean? Well, a fever. Chills. Skin

irritation. Sounds like nothing I have heard of.

Hello you two. Hi ma. Cup of tea, Mark? No, I am on my way into work.

Right, I will see you later. Sure. Right, see you. Bye.

Would you like a cup of tea, Betty? No, thanks.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right then I'm off to the scout shop. The scout shop? To get a few

things. Tell Bono I will be bringing him down to the scouts myself this

week. He will be thrilled. Out of the way, Rory.

Mammy, have you got a few minutes to talk? Rory, no, we're live. Mammy, I

have an idea. Rory, no! Live! Come on.

Rory, don't push me on this, I haven't time, I have to get changed

for the next scene. Shut up, here, hold them knickers!

Here, no goodbye kiss. Everything all right with you and Mark? What do

you think of that? I want to get it. Wow. What an amazing bedroom. Which

part are you looking to get? All of it. All of it? Looks expensive.

That's what Mark said too. But take a good look at it most is carpentry.

He is a carpenter. Cathy, we have been in business now

for two years. We are doing all right. We deserve a treat. This is a

treat. The Brown men can be pretty

stubborn. Not as stubborn as the others, except when it comes to sex.

MUSIC APPLAUSE

You're not making the effort, Buster. You have to be the penguin.

I am, what do you want me to do? Start pissing ice cubes was to mark

don't get smart. Try again. PENGUIN NOISES

That's a chicken! That they don't. Jesus! -- that a goat.

Back seat is taken, son. Jesus, Agnes, it's yourself. Are you going

to a fancy dress? Fair play, that's a lovely thing to do. Is easy. I'd

play games with them and every 20 minutes I give them a smoke break. I

finished my jigsaw. Well done. How long did it take? Two months. Is

that not a bit long? On the box, set two to four years. -- it set two to

four years. How did you get on at the doctor? He said I've got nothing

to worry about. I'm just getting a stroke. What?! Wait, I'm getting a

flu. I thought it was a stroke from the Internet. I'm going for a second

opinion. What doctor? She's a spiritualist and a healer. Winnie,

don't start that shite. She is really good. She helped the police

find a body, what do you call that? A feckin' suspect. I heard about

Mark and Betty having bedroom problems. Who told you? Sharon. No

wonder she was quiet. That's nothing to worry about. People die! Small

animals get nervous. Did you ever have to bottle it up? God, no. My

Redser could do it twice. He won in December was the best. You should

see the noise he made when he was having an orgasm. Woke me up every

time. And I was downstairs. You know, when he was making love, used

to go... Mike Jacko was really good at it. Yes, he was. -- my Jacko. I

said, that's nice. You know, you are better off leaving it to Mark and

Betty to sort it out themselves. So, I will sort it out.

APPLAUSE I have no doubt that Mark and Betty would be able to sort it

out themselves. But, you know, they'd be with a little bit of help.

EASTENDERS THEME Sorry, it's my feckin' ringtone.

It's the director. Hello, Ben. I wasn't supposed to? That is why I

took out the feckin' radio Mike. I know you're upset that mammy

wouldn't listen. She wouldn't! When I tried to talk to her, she said,

hold your knickers. I'm listening. What we need to do is keep a level

head and discuss this calmly, agreed? Agreed. Agreed! Why don't

you start. The owner of the salon has decided to sell up and retire to

Spain and... Oh, I'm too excited! Take it, Rory. He's offered to let

me and the no do a and isn't. -- do a management buyout.

Is this something I should have been invited to? No. Director's meeting.

Who are the directors? Me and Dino. I wouldn't let you direct traffic up

a one-way street. I don't like the way you speak to my son. I saw your

note. Don't forget to pay the rent, boy.

LAUGHTER OK, boys. The essence of good business is preparation. Fail

to prepare them repair to fail. Melt... Mount the rampant stallion.

LAUGHTER The first thing you have to look at is cost and income. Come on,

horsey! O! O! Ooh! Writes, that is rent, electric, wages, stock. Allow

504 miscellaneous. Who is she? You know, lads, I think, with

10,000, you could do this. Really? Where are we going to get that?

Feck, Will Grigg somewhere. Watch me. Globally! -- feck it, we'll get

it somewhere. What is going on here? Me and Dino are taking over. Under

new management, Wash And Low. -- Below. Writes, first things first, a

business plan. Let's get back to the apartment and start working on it.

Rory. Sit down, I want to talk to you. It down. -- sit down. Rory,

have you seen Mrs Murphy's with the visiting mark -- Mrs Murphy's pussy?

There is a photograph of it down in the post office. It is feckin' huge!

I don't know what she is shoving into it, but it is more than keys.

It's been missing for five days. She says she went -- she let it out for

a wee and it can get back in, because the flat was frozen. -- it

couldn't get back in because the flat was frozen.

Her high, Maria. Was he any better today? Years trying. I need you to

do what you have to do. Point, Dermot? That was quick. Sharon, two

pints when you are ready, please. Listen, Buster, we need to talk. Go

ahead, I'm all ears. Where? Not really, because penguins don't have

is. That is why I never got it when you see them on Christmas cards

singing carols. Listen,... Agnes, look at those two old days, out for

a drink. That will be asked in ten years' time. -- two old dears.

Winnie, that's a feckin' mirror. Mammy, could I please have a minute.

Back off! Betty, who is that on the front of your magazine? Holli

Willoughby. She's beautiful. Take away the blue eyes, the blonde hair

and the figure and what have you got? You! Betty, would you tell

Mark, when he gets a chance, I want to have an adult chat with him.

Show. You all right, Maria? I'm just worried about Dermot. It's not easy

for him. What's not easy? He's firing Buster. Why? It's a big

contract and Buster isn't up to star. He has eight other staff and

he can't take the chances. He has to show leadership. Business is

business. Is it, is business always just business? Yes. Open the window

in there when you are finished. You know, I remember when Dermot was

just setting up, it was just the and Buster. How much does she pay him

for those? We couldn't afford to pay him back then. Just as well that

business wasn't business as it was just then. -- back then. I went to

that spiritualist. Right, and? What did she say? She said I had the flu.

What was the cure? She told me to go to the doctor. She's amazing.

I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. Dermot... Maria, leave

this to me. I can't believe it. It's a mistake. I can't take it back now.

Supervisor, I've never been promoted false. Promoted?! Yeah, and Dermot

said it was all your idea. Thanks, Maria. No problem, Buster. Sign --

Sharon, two more points when you are ready, please. And fair on me. --

and they are on me. Hi, Cathy. Hi, Mark. Mammy said she

wanted to talk to me. Is she here? She is in the sitting room watching

television. I think it's Game Of Thrones.

LAUGHTER. SEXUAL NOISES

Mammy! He was given this to bring home from school. It's from a school

trip. What does it say? Agnes, what did you do? I just gave out a few

tips. Was one of those, never pay a step upfront? Mammy! It was a

metaphor. For what? Never pay a prostitute. Mammy! Do you want the?

Yes, Cathy. I may as well, Mark. Winter is coming. You wanted a chat

with me. Winnie, often with you. This is a family business. What

chat? Just go home. Sit down. Well? How are you? In grand. Got something

on your mind? Are you stressed? No. I heard on the grapevine that you

and Betty are having a drink problems. Who told you that? --

bedroom problems. Sharon McDoogan. It's not a big deal. It is, I've

seen marriages fail over these things. It's not real serious. It's

just timing. Timing? There is no problem putting it in.

LAUGHTER But I want to wait until I was a bit slack. -- slacker. I

haven't looked at it closely. I'm not even sure if it will fit. Use

washers. I didn't know it meant that much to Betty. You know what, I'm

going to bring her home right now and get started on her. Right,

Betty, come on, you and I are going home to do some measuring in the

bedroom. We want to see which it sits there. Really, the whole thing?

Yeah, and see if I can get in. Come on, mammy. Things have changed

since my day. As long as Betty gets what she wants... I think she's

going to get a bit more than she bargained for. Well, there you are.

Just another episode of Mrs Brown's Boys. Nothing 's changed, same...

Well, we've got a new producer was very young. Brett is up there

feeding him now. And they are both enjoying it. It

was just a normal episode, you know, Rory can't get a word in, Buster

can't do a bird sound. And Mark, it seems, can't get it all in. You

know,... You know, a lot of people thought this was going to just be

half an hour of bad language. Feck's 's sake.

CHEERING APPLAUSE

You know, the older I get, the more I see this world is becoming

disposable, disposable nappies, disposable cell phones, disposable

governments, even disposable banks. It just doesn't seem like there is

anything that can be done any more. Let me tell you this, if you ever

feel lonely or a bit down, come on the television and flick the comedy.

Have yourself a good laugh. From Dad's Army to Fawlty Towers, Only

Falls And Horses,, we'll be there, you can depend on that. Agnes Brown,

out. Mammy,... What, love? Can we talk?

What do you want? I need ten grand. Don't look at me like that.

Like what? Like what? I'm just going to ask her.

I'm just going to come... Can't do it, I can't do it.

Can't do it. Can't do it.