Mammy Christmas Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown... #

# Are you hanging up your stocking on the wall?... #

Hello.

Hi.

I slipped.

I've been up here for an hour-and-a-half.

Grandad!

Wake up, ya bastard!

Well, it's Christmas time again.

I've made me list.

Decorate Christmas tree.

It's not going too feckin' well.

Buy turkey...

not from Buster Brady.

Get the sprouts and boil them early.

Oh, now last year, they were like Iron Man's testicles!

I dropped one on the floor and it bounced straight back into the pot.

It's going to be a busy Christmas.

My son Trevor's home for a couple of days. Yeah.

And Bono, my grandson, he got a part in the Christmas play.

I have to see that.

Oh, and...

..I wrote a letter to Father Quinn, a formal letter,

making a formal request for my turn to play the Virgin Mary...

It's never too early!

The early bird you know...

is worth two in your bush.

Grandad!

Bastard!

And it all starts as soon as I get off this feckin' tree.

SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Shit!

Hello! Hello!

Too late, ya bastard!

I love Christmas!

Who's Debbie and Murty?

They were the people you met on holiday in Wexford.

-Nice people, you said.

-Nice people, but I only just met them.

I didn't feckin' adopt them.

-Morning.

-Good morning, love.

-Want tea, Rory?

-No. Haven't time.

-Rory, letter for you.

-Thanks, Mammy.

-Open it, love.

-No, I'll read it when I get to work.

-Open it now.

-No, really.

Open the feckin' letter.

Oh, my God!

I'm about to win an award at the Irish Hairdressers Awards!

Congratulations!

Can't wait to tell everyone at work! See yous!

He's thrilled! I knew he would be.

I'll see ya.

Oh, now Dermot has a dentist appointment on the 11th.

How do you know?

-What?

-Are you reading Dermot's mail?

Its not Dermot's mail, it's FAMILY mail!

Not if his name is on the envelope.

That's an invasion of privacy, Mammy!

My arse, Cathy! He works in promotions, not for the KEEAHH!

It's CIA!

Whatever!

I hope you don't read my mail?

Well...

-You do?

-A lot of the times you're gone before the postman gets here!

I open it just in case it's important.

Well, don't! I mean it, Mammy, don't!

There's another one for you... Oh, too late!

-Hiya, Winnie.

-How are you, Agnes?

-The hospital said Jacko could be home for Christmas!

-Lovely.

Did they say which Christmas?

-Winnie...

-What?

-Did you ever look at Sharon's private things?

Well, once, when she thought she had an inflammation...

No!

Her letters!

No, Agnes, that'd be wrong!

I even think that's illegal.

You're right, and if it's not illegal, it should be. Yeah...

Dear Cathy Brown...

It's just great to have you home, Trevor.

Do you have to go back?

Now, Mammy, don't start that again.

Hello, chicken.

-Are you on your break?

-Yeah, Ma.

-Do you fancy a snack?

-Oh, yeah.

-Very funny, Mammy.

-Isn't it funny?

Clean it up.

-Any post for me, Mammy?

-Yes, just the one.

Excuse me, Mammy. This was opened.

Don't be ridiculous, Cathy. Why would the postman do that?

It wasn't the postman, Mammy, it was you!

I'm sorry, Cathy, I fear you're mistaken!

Yeah, Cathy!

People's post is private. Everybody knows that.

Yeah, Cathy!

You have a dentist appointment on Thursday...

Thanks, Ma.

So, Mammy, you want to play? Fine!

Fine!

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

Mammy, did Buster call here looking for me?

Buster called, but he wasn't looking for you. Why, what's he doing?

He wants us to do a Santa Claus's grotto in one of the empty shops in the centre.

-There's enough empty shops there.

-I know.

I think it's a great idea.

Mammy, someone here to see you.

Take a seat.

-Hello, Hillary.

-Hello.

Hello, Father Qui... Who the feck are you?

Agnes, dear,

this is Damien.

He's here temporarily, so I thought I'd introduce him

to some of the important people in the parish...

Oh, well...

..then I brought him to meet you.

Hello, Mrs Brown. I'm Damien.

-I'm filling in for Father Quinn, while he's on retreat.

-Rehab again?

Would you like a cup of tea, Father Damien?

It's just Damien. He likes people to call him Damien.

And I like people to mind their own fucking business.

Would you like a cup of tea, Father Damien?

Er, no, Mrs Brown. Look, it's about your letter to Father Quinn.

Requesting to play the part of the Virgin Mary

in this year's Nativity play.

I'd forgotten about that.

-Yes, well, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

-Go on...

There IS no Nativity play this year.

-What?

-The drama group are putting it on in Ballymun parish this year.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

Now, wait a minute, Father.

My family will put on the Nativity play, in the community centre.

Well, the community centre may not be available!

You'll have to check with the head of the committee.

Which is you.

So it is! You'll also have to get permission from the bishop.

-Frankly, I'm not prepared to do that.

-Why not?

Well, I believe this is just folly. Mothers do that kind of thing.

Say they're going to do something, then nothing.

It's not a risk I'm prepared to take.

-Right, then, I'm off.

-And I'll start writing a Nativity play.

-Why do all mothers do this?

-Do what?

When I say something, she completely ignores me.

It's as if I haven't spoken.

It doesn't ever seem to sink in.

Father, is your mother alive?

Yes, but that's got nothing to do with you or this Nativity.

Doesn't it? I'll see.

Leave it, Mammy. Right, then, thanks for dropping in, Damien.

-He left in a hurry.

-You might fucking join him.

That boy has issues. Mother issues.

-I'll try talking to him.

-You do that. In the meantime,

I'm writing a feckin' Nativity play.

I'd better be off. Buster must be still looking.

-Looking for what?

-A Santa Claus for the grotto.

-We need somebody fat and jolly.

-Oh...fat and jolly?

-Oh, no!

-What?

-He's gone over to talk to Sharon McGoogan!

-You are kidding?

So, er...Sharon...she said she wouldn't really be into it.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello, I think I left my phone behind.

Hello? Ooh!

Hello?

Oh! Hello, I...

I think you might be sitting on my phone.

Hello?

SHE SIGHS

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Er, Grandad?

I think you're sitting on my phone.

Hello? Anybody? Hello?

BEEPING

'Hello? Hello?

'Hello, Hillary?'

Hello?

Who is this?

It's Agnes.

I'm sorry...

..I'm finding it very hard to hear.

I'm in a bad area!

Maybe if you got closer to the phone.

Is this any better?

Oh, yes, that's much better.

Hillary, listen closely,

this is important.

Important. Yes, I got that.

If a gumboil could boil oil, how much oil would a gumboil boil?

What? Oh, for heaven's sake...

Come on!

I was just taking a call.

SHE CHUCKLES

Rory, you must be delighted with your award.

I am! But I don't want to make a big thing of it.

I'm so proud of you, Rory.

Thanks, Dino.

And when you go up to collect that award,

I'll be standing there clapping like a sea lion on speed.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

What?

There's only one ticket to the awards party.

AUDIENCE: Oooh...

I'm going to the toilet.

..In a polka dot dress with just one leg!

THEY LAUGH

I think the family doing a Nativity play will be great fun.

Can Bono be in it?

The whole family's in it, Betty. Even you.

Ah, no, Mrs Brown, let someone else be the Virgin Mary.

That part is already gone.

THEY LAUGH

What are you fucking laughing at?

I've no idea.

Are you religious, Mrs McGoogan?

I am, Maria. I'm a great believer.

Except for the virgin birth, and heaven and hell.

But apart from that?

I'm a believer.

Oh, I believe in the virgin birth. Oh, yes.

You know, I've never told anybody this

but, Cathy, you were a virgin birth.

Your father's Richard Branson.

Do you believe in life after death, Mrs Brown?

Do you know, my Redser asked me that about a month before he died.

It was the last thing I ever heard him say.

He didn't speak after that?

No, I just stopped fucking listening.

SHE CHUCKLES

You had a baby with Richard Branson?

Was the sex good?

Winnie, it was a joke.

Well, at least you got a baby out of it.

Cathy, you might get cheap flights.

Right, I'm going to get them in.

I'm going to the little girls' room.

Hang on, I'll go with you.

(Pssst.)

Go on, I'll mind your handbag.

What?

Go for your pssst.

No, come here. Look at that.

It's a letter from a television company to Cathy Brown.

-Did she fall for it?

-I think so.

She did! She's showing it to Mrs McGoogan now.

This is going to be fun!

Read that.

"Dear Cathy Brown, thank you for entering your mother into

"the best Christmas mothers competition programme

"that we are making."

-That's brilliant, Agnes.

-I know.

Look, they're going to install secret hidden cameras

all over the house, to film me while I'm doing normal things.

And look, "Do not tell your mother."

I won't.

What?

I won't tell me mother.

No, Cathy's not to tell her mother.

Good, cos my mother's dead.

Look, we just have to pretend that the cameras aren't there.

Right, so just act normal.

Fuck no, I want to win this!

The grotto's looking good.

And I'm after getting a lovely big chair for Santa Claus to sit in.

Where would we get a Santa Claus?

I don't know.

I spoke to Father Damien.

Well, what is it that has him so angry?

He hasn't spoken to his mother in five years.

Keep talking to him, son, keep talking.

I will.

What will I be in the Nativity play, Agnes?

One of the seven dwarves.

Brilliant, who's the other two?

Now, how can I be a better Christmas mother today?

Cos I want to be the best Christmas mother in the whole world!

I'll put the kettle on... with spring water.

Only the best for my family.

Hello, Mrs Brown.

Hiya, Mammy.

If it isn't the happy couple. And parents of triplets.

And their friend, the lovely Buster. Hello! Do come in, sit down.

How can I be of help to you today?

Well, Derm is on his way to work

and I'm off to the pharmacy to get something for the triplets. They're feverish.

The poor little mites! Is there anything I can do?

Maybe cuddle them?

Or I can give them a kidney, if they need it?

I'm just here to give Grandad his beard

-and hat for his first day as Santa.

-Let me give it to him.

I mean, after all, I am his carer.

As well as being a mother, I am also a carer for Grandad.

Hello, Princess! I'm just going to care for Grandad.

Cathy, what the hell is up with Mammy?

Oh, Cathy, tell them, please.

Now, Grandad, I am going to place this beard on your face

very tenderly...

..cos I am your carer.

Don't hit me!

"Don't hit me"! He's... He's... You're so funny!

Those fucking cameras won't be there for ever.

Now, look, see how tender that was?

I am tender, cos I am your carer. I am a carer.

I care.

Mrs Brown, I would love a sandwich, if you have one.

Yes, of course, Buster!

There is always food available in the house...for friends.

-Right, I'm off.

-I'll go with you.

-Later...

Bye-bye. See you later.

These are lovely sandwiches, Mrs Brown.

Oh, they're just...

Tomorrow, Mammy, I think I'd like some fried brie cheese

with some cranberry sauce. What would you like, Buster?

Um, a ham and cheese toasted panini.

-Fine.

-Would you like me to write that down for you, Mammy?

Oh, no, I have a photogenic memory.

I'm just going to go outside and have a smoke.

Have it here!

No! I wouldn't smoke where there's food! Where you're eating.

Oh, gosh, no! What kind of mother would that be?

CAT SQUEALS

Pan-fucking-ini!

Right, Buster, come on, move it.

See you, Mammy.

Good luck!

Ow!

Oh, I'm so glad they enjoyed my cunnilingus efforts.

Well, if it isn't my next-door neighbour and best friend, Winifred.

Hello, Winifred. How are you today?

Sorry, wrong house.

Winnie! It's me! Agnes.

I'm sorry, Agnes, I thought... Why are you talking like that?

(Get under the table.)

Winnie, for God's sake, you're forgetting about the cameras.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Keep it in mind.

Now, look, I've got somebody coming but it should take too long.

You go over and put the kettle on in your house and I'll come over

-and have a cup of tea.

-Right.

Well, yoga under the table. I've never tried that before.

What a good idea, Winnie.

Now, maybe you should go home to your own house, have a safe journey.

Farewell, Agnes. I go now and make merry in my kitchen.

(Winnie, fuck off!)

Right.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, the Brown residence.

Oh, hello, thank you very much for calling back.

DOORBELL RINGS

Grandad, get that feckin'...

Grandpappy, could you attend to the door, please?

The witch is in the kitchen.

Oh, yes, all big families are like that.

Children just moan, moan, moan.

"Oh, Mammy, get your foot of me throat", yeah.

Just hold on, please, somebody wants to talk to you.

It's your mother. It's Christmas, now be Christian.

Hello? Yes, Mother, it's me.

I've missed you, too.

Take as long as you need, son. Don't touch the fucking biscuits.

All clear.

Well, Winnie, we seem to be alone.

What shall we do? I know, let's have afternoon tea.

Agnes, why are you talking like that again? It's not...

Winnie, for God's sake, you forgot about the feckin' cameras.

Oh, sorry! The pretend cameras, I forgot!

-Now, just keep them in your mind.

-Right.

So, Winnie, shall we...?

Get in there.

What do you mean, pretend cameras?

Well, Sharon told me it was Cathy

wrote the letter about pretending cameras were in the house.

What?

When did Sharon tell you this?

The day after you showed me the letter.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because you told me not to talk about it.

Anyway, you were enjoying it.

Enjoying it? I'm exhausted running after them bastards!

Well, I'm going!

Thanks, Winnie. Thanks for feckin' nothing!

You're welcome!

-I'm home, Mammy.

-DOOR CLOSES

I'm in the kitchen, dearest one.

Hiya, Mammy.

Hello, Princess.

Er, lunch?

Do sit down, let me present it to you.

Now, here we go...

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Oh, my God, look at that.

Oh... Oh, ho...

You know, don't ya?

You bet your cotton-picking knickers I know.

Merry Christmas!

Science and nature!

-There you are, love.

-Thanks for this, Ma.

It's our last chance for a Christmas night out.

It's my pleasure. I'm delighted to have Bono staying over.

He's in bed now, Mrs Brown, but he'll not sleep.

Leave him to me. I'll go up and try to tuck him in.

-Thanks.

-DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

-What do you want?

-Rory, I just wanted to say I'm sorry

and have a great night at the awards.

I'm not going.

What?

I'm not going without you. Come in!

Can you not sleep, Bono?

No, Granny. I'm too excited about Santa Claus coming.

It's just so close.

I know, I was like that when I was a little girl.

Oh, what have we got there?

My old music box.

MUSIC PLAYS

My daddy gave that to me when I was, oh, about your age.

I remember me father's smile, in the glow of a bedside light.

He'd tuck the blankets beneath me chin, to settle me for the night.

And the stories Daddy would tell to me,

they had a magic now, so it seems.

They all began, "Once upon a time,

"in a land of fairy-tale dreams..."

MUSIC PLAYS

Listen, it's Daddy's song.

There'd be a princess that no man could resist.

She'd turn the frog into a prince with just a kiss.

And a knight in shining armour with a magic sword...

Daddy would act it out word for word.

And when it came to the part where the hero died,

he'd cuddle me while I cried.

And he'd whisper in me ear, "Don't you worry, dear, heroes never die."

-What's this?

-The bishop's permission to stage a Nativity play.

Come in.

But the greatest hero in my life,

he never slayed a dragon or left any troll dead.

He was just a plain and simple man,

but each night tucked me in me bed.

You know, when I think of Daddy and his love and his touch

and how we all laughed...so much.

And I don't miss him, you know, not a single bit...

Sure, why would I? Heroes never die.

Good night, Bono. Merry Christmas.

And merry Christmas to you, too!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd