The Virgin Mammy Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

SHE CHUCKLES

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.

-# She's Mrs Brown

-Agnes

-# That's Mrs Brown

-Agnes

# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

APPLAUSE

Now, Grandad,

when I give you the signal,

press the button.

All right?

Ohhh! Ahhhh!

Ohhh! Such pain a woman goes through!

But no pain is too much to give birth to this special child!

Ohhh! Stand by, Grandad, stand by.

Ohhh!

A child that will change the world...

..a child who can...

Press it harder! A child who can...

Ahhh!

BANG!

A child who will need a fuckin' crash helmet!

Mammy, what the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to get this contraption ready for the virgin birth.

This nativity play has gone to your head.

Just have the baby appear in the crib.

That's what everybody else does.

I don't want to do what everyone else does.

I watch these nativity plays over the years

and the one thing they always leave out is the actual birth.

So what?

So what?

We go through our lives being told how Jesus suffered for our sins.

And not one mention of how Mary suffered so that Jesus could suffer.

Well, not in this nativity play!

You are mad.

No, I am a mother.

Hello.

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. We did.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, this is a very special week.

It's nativity play week.

The hall is booked, I have me script finished.

I just have to have it passed by Father Damien.

He should be here by now.

Grandad, there's tea there.

Don't you catch anything in that thing.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get that, Mammy.

That should be Father Damien now.

Do you know, I wasn't sure about him at first.

A bit wishy-washy for my liking, you know.

But I have to be honest, I'm starting to take to him.

Hello, Grandad.

Bless him.

Hello, Mrs Brown.

Hello, Father. Sit down, Father Damien. Tea?

-Yes please.

-I'll get it, Mammy.

Thanks, love. Well, there you are, the finished nativity script.

Excellent.

Men Are Bastards?

It's just a working title.

Mammy, seriously?

What? It was a man who wouldn't give them a room.

And Herod was a man.

And Joseph was a man,

and he never booked a room in advance.

Your mother has a point.

But still, I think we'll cross it out.

Uh-uh...

Nah.

What are you crossing out now?

The shepherd saying, "Holy shit, is that a UFO?"

Well, what would they think it was?

Look, let's not do this now.

Why don't I take this home, go through it

and we can talk about it later?

Now, we need to think about a director.

-I'm the director.

-Mrs Brown, you're in the play

and you've written the play.

I suppose, you know.

I think we should have a different eye on it.

Now, I love the theatre!

I'll direct it, Mammy.

You trust me, don't you?

Well, I suppose, yeah.

That's a great idea(!)

We'll direct it together.

Right, I must be off.

I'll get back to you soon on this.

Do, Father. I want this nativity play to be special.

To have love and warmth...

BANG!

..to show just how important the birth of every baby is.

BANG!

Give up!

Right, then. I have to go talk to the narrator.

Narrator? What narrator?

-From the church committee. Mrs Nicholson.

-Hillary!

BANG!

She's not muscling in on this!

Oh, she's very excited

and as you two have triplet grandchildren coming,

I thought it would lend a family feel to the whole thing.

Family feel?

BANG!

I don't know what family you're talking about, unless it's the Addams Family.

BANG!

I'll kill you, ya bastard!

Ah!

Don't touch that, Grandad.

I'm not sure if this increases the power or decreases the power.

Ah-ah.

I mean it, Grandad, don't touch that trigger!

You could launch me, for God's sake.

How are you, Cathy?

Is your Mammy about, pet?

In the sitting room, in labour.

What?

Mammy, it's Winnie.

BANG!

Where's Mammy?

Mammy?

I told him not to touch that fuckin' trigger. Aaah!

Thanks, love.

Ohhh, ooh.

Are you hurt from the baby cannon?

No, it's just me wrist is weak.

I used to get that when Jacko was younger.

It's cramp.

It's called wank...

Winnie!

It's the Christmas episode.

It's called rheumatism.

You should see Doctor Flynn about that.

There's no point. He'll just say, "Take paracetamol" and that's that.

What about a homeopath?

Dino?

No, Mammy, a homeopathic remedy.

There's lots! Copper bracelets, for instance.

No, I tried that.

It didn't do anything for the pain, it just turned me whole wrist green.

Me wrist looked like the Incredible Hulk's dangler.

Well, have you tried magnets?

I'll tell you what, I'll try and pick you up a couple in town today.

I'd try anything, love.

I'll see you later, so.

Agnes, you see this nativity?

-Yeah.

-Well, Johnny, the box collector,

and Willie, the sweeper from the market,

they were asking if they could be in it.

Winnie, you can't just go round giving out parts like that.

This is my play.

Please...

Fine. Tell them they can be shepherds.

But no more, I mean it!

Would you consider Sharon for the virgin?

Winnie, see them?

They're paracetamol...

Not fuckin' morphine.

Mammy, Father Damien asked me to go through some of the script,

explain why he wants you to take stuff out.

Take it out? It took me ages to write that thing.

Well, some of it's not on.

Like what?

Well, nobody ever called Joseph 'Joey'.

And he was never in a gang called the Nazareth Massive.

You're ripping me story to pieces.

Look, will you just trust me to go through

and take out what's absolutely necessary?

I trust you to do anything, son.

Thanks, Mammy.

There's just one more thing.

What?

You can't use the baby cannon.

But I'm after getting the feckin'...

Look, I'll go along with the birth scene,

but you can't go launching the baby Jesus from a cannon.

Look, what they've done to my son, Lord!

"Young man required to work as mud flap.

"Must be flexible and willing to travel."

Here comes trouble.

Hiya, Ma.

Have you come to give me three wishes?

I see you've brought Ali Baba with you as well.

Ah, don't be like that, Mrs Brown.

I might just have the answer to all your dreams.

Not unless you had Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and a small pony in that box.

Seriously, Ma, Cathy was saying magnets might help your rheumatism.

Show her, Buster.

I already got magnets from Cathy.

Are they working?

Not really.

Ah-ha! Well, take a look at this.

Jesus, it's huge!

Yeah, it has to be, to fit round a horse's leg.

A horse?

Yeah, it's for a racehorse.

Just think, Ma, if it works for a horse...

..It'll work for a cow.

Or a sheep or a goat or a racing pigeon.

Or even you, Mrs Brown.

Right, well, I'll leave it with ya.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

On the usual 30-day-money-back deal.

What did you say?

I mean, Happy Christmas, Mrs Brown...

Don't even think about it.

That's what I thought you'd said.

Oh, wait, one more thing.

I got that off a jockey friend of mine.

And the only thing he wants in return

is to be in the nativity play.

OK. Tell him he can be a shepherd.

Oh, he'll love that! He used to work in a newsagents.

Jesus, I think I can feel a bit of relief from that already.

MAGNETIC WAVES

Ca...

MAGNETIC WAVES

Cathy!

Cathy!

What the hell?

Call Dermot, quick. Go get him.

MAGNETIC WAVES

Right, thanks.

Well?

It needs a key.

And the vet is away for the new year.

That's a week!

Will you manage for a week?

Ah...

I suppose I'll just have to cope with one arm behind me back.

It's not funny.

It is a bit.

Your Ma looks like a Swiss Army Knife.

HE LAUGHS

Very good, very good.

Now, Dermot, what have you got me for the donkey?

That's a zebra, not a donkey.

She has a point, love.

How do you know it wasn't a zebra in the Bible?

He has a point, love.

Because it says in the Bible, a donkey.

And, anyway, zebras live in southern Africa.

Well, maybe this zebra is lost.

Look, it's the best I could do.

I might be able to get a camel.

No, no, no, no. A zebra's fine.

For God's sake, Mammy, a zebra is not fine.

Look, if it comes to a choice between a donkey in pyjamas

and a donkey with a hump, I take the pyjamas.

As they say, donkey is in the eye of the beholder.

So what have you got for the stable animals? A polar bear?

Were you looking in my bag?

-Ma.

-Yes, love?

You have me in here as one of the kings.

No, son. I have you in as the main king.

The main king.

What am I in it, Agnes?

Mary Magdalene.

Oh, that's great!

Is she in the nativity?

I thought she wasn't in the story for years.

Just in case, Winnie, stay well in the background.

Well, well, it's all stations go in here!

Yes, it is, Father. Trevor, you're the innkeeper.

Go any try on your stuff.

What about me, Mrs Brown?

-What, Father?

-What am I in the play?

Oh, I had you down as the narrator,

but you gave that part away, didn't you?

To Hillary.

Maria, love, is your mother coming over for a fitting?

No, Mrs Brown. She says she has her own costume organised.

Has she?

God knows what that'll feckin' be.

Bitch!

-Who is?

-Hillary! She's out there like feckin' Cleopatra.

You never have an asp when you need one.

It was over 2,000 years ago

and the world was in an awful state altogether.

I didn't write this.

In the small village of Nazareth...

APPLAUSE

..lived a young virgin.

THEY LAUGH

Hey!

Her name was Mary.

She lived a simple life

until one night a wondrous, magical thing happened.

An angel of the Lord appeared to her.

EXPLOSION

Oh, shit, shit! I'm on fire! >

Oh, wondrous being, who are you and what do you want?

I'm burning!

What do you fuckin' want?

I am the Angel Michael and I come with a message from above.

You are with child and it is a very special child.

But this cannot be, for I am a virgin.

THEY LAUGH

Hey!

You will bear this child. A child of the Holy Spirit.

Really, I'm burnt.

Thanks!

But...how can this be? For I am still...

Look, missus, just have the kid and move on. It's in the script.

Curtain!

APPLAUSE

Right, Buster, be more professional.

HE MOANS

Mammy! Let's just move on.

Get to Bethlehem.

Bethlehem.

Where the fuck is Bethlehem? Winnie! Get the fuck back here.

Hillary, take the next one.

And it came to pass that, sometime later, a census was called

and a pregnant Mary and her husband Joseph had to go to the town of Bethlehem to register.

APPLAUSE

< Where's everybody?

The donkey?

Winnie, fuck off.

Where's the feckin' donkey?

Mammy, Dino's not here yet. Can we wait?

No, Rory, the show must go on.

It was a busy time.

It was difficult to find.

But, Mammy, who'll play the front half?

Grandad, put that on.

HE MOANS

They went up the mountains and down the mountains

and still they could find nowhere to stay.

And...then, they came across an inn.

BREAKING WIND

Oh, Grandad!

Oh, my God!

Oh, look! It's an inn.

Shall we try here?

Who is it, dear?

It is a man, a pregnant woman and half a donkey-zebra.

Half? Oh, for Christ's sake.

I've had enough.

My husband has just gone to park the donkey.

You have a double room?

The bridal?

No, we're going bareback.

< This is a mess!

Feckin'...curtain.

APPLAUSE

Rory, one little fart.

Mammy, stop!

Just move things along.

Get the angel ready.

I don't want to do this any more.

# Jingle bells...

-# ..Jingle...

-Hilary!

There was no room at the inn, but there was a stable at the back,

so Mary and Joseph went there to spend the night.

APPLAUSE

In the meantime, in a field close by,

some shepherds are tending their flock...

MURMURING

Baa!

..when they are approached by three kings.

-We are three kings.

-THEY SING: # Ah, ha, ha! #

Higher, higher.

Mammy, get ready for the angel.

Faster, faster!

BANGING NOISE

HE MOANS

We're following an angel.

Oh, look, there he is now.

Glorious angel, fly on and we shall follow.

Angel!

Fly on and we shall follow.

Curtain, curtain!

APPLAUSE

The shepherds then asked the kings

if they too could come to see this baby that was the son of God.

And the king said, "Sure, pal, no bother."

C'mon, it's the big birth scene. Everybody, get ready.

Maria, I thought you said the triplets were too sick to be here?

-They are.

-So what are we doing for the baby Jesus?

Betty?

I don't know. Your mother said she had it sorted.

I'll go and try to find a baby.

Meanwhile... in the stable behind the inn,

with Mary surrounded by animals,

the baby was about to be born.

APPLAUSE

Arrggghh!

Arrggghh!

Oooahh!

Oh, Lord,

your son is about to be born.

Huurrgh!

SHE PANTS

He is coming!

Arrgghhhah! Aah!

-CALMLY:

-He has arrived.

HE CRIES

Jesus Christ!

What a wonderful name! We shall call him that.

Curtain!

Mammy, what the hell are you doing? Grandad?

I had to improvise. The show must go on.

-Everybody, get ready for the visit of the kings.

-Mammy!

-What?

-This is your last chance.

If anything else gets weird, I am taking over, we will do it my way.

Weird? Don't be ridiculous! Grandad, get into that crib.

Hillary! Hillary, take it!

Hillary!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

For God's sake!

Soon, the angel stopped and hovered over the stable.

APPLAUSE

And the three kings arrived.

We were lead here by the glorious angel.

Sorry, Ma.

We were lead here by the glorious angel.

Ah! This is cutting the nuts off me!

We were guided by this angel who hovers above the stable.

Oh, shit!

HE SCREAMS

To see the child Christ. He who will unite all men.

And bring peace on this Earth.

Really?

THREE KINGS: Uh-huh!

Well, here he is.

But, first, I must breastfeed him.

ALL: No! Curtain!

AUDIENCE: Curtain!

APPLAUSE

-Mammy?

-What?

Have you gone mad?

It's perfectly natural!

That's it, Mammy, you're off the set.

Excuse me, this is my show!

No, Mammy, it's the family's show.

Sharon, get out and talk to them, and be nice.

Maria, let's do it the way we planned.

Planned?

Betty, get Bono and his friends ready.

And Betty, you're the Virgin Mary.

No, I'm the Virgin Mary!

Mammy, out!

OK, everybody, places!

Excuse me. Everybody...

Shh...

Shut up!

We hope you enjoyed the warm-up. Now, for your pleasure...

Hey, where are you going? Sit, sit, sit!

The nativity, according to the Brown family and friends.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

# A spaceman came travelling

# On his ship from afar

# 'Twas light years of time Since his mission did start

# And over a village He halted his craft

# And it hung in the sky like a star

# Just like a star... #

Beautiful.

Yeah, well, eh... It...yeah.

# ..Then, the stranger spoke

# And he said "Do not fear

# "I come from a planet A long way from here

# "And I bring a message For mankind to hear"

# And suddenly, the sweetest music

# Filled the air

# And it went La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

# Peace and goodwill to all men

# And love for the child

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la... #

MAGNETIC WAVES

# ..La, la, la, la, la, la, la... #

Oh, Father, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

# ..La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

# Peace and goodwill to all men

# And love for the child. #

APPLAUSE

Oh, Betty, you were brilliant as the Virgin Mary!

-Yeah, did you do it from memory?

-THEY LAUGH

Must have a marvellous memory, it being so long ago.

-THEY LAUGH

-Get lost, you two!

Mammy, put the kettle on!

I don't think she's in there, Cathy.

Actually, I haven't seen her since we got back.

She has to be in there.

Mammy!

Mammy?

And on that night, which seemed like a very ordinary night,

a very extraordinary thing was happening.

A young woman giving birth to a child...

..a child that would change this world for ever.

And she would cherish him all of his short life.

She would worry for him, care for him,

and follow his every footstep through this troubled world.

And he would perform miracles,

preach to the elders of the church,

let the blind see and the lame walk.

And all of the time,

she would simply worry.

Has he changed his underwear today?

I would have been a great Mary.

# Say hello to the queen Of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all She wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

SHE CHUCKLES

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd