Buckin' Mammy Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains strong language

SHE LAUGHS

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #

Right, there she is. She's all yours.

Welcome to the new Acme Turbo 2000 Christmas tree,

-the last tree you'll ever have to buy.

-What do I have to do?

Well, to decorate it, just press that button there.

-Ohhh!

-SHE LAUGHS

No more going round the tree looking for a branch.

The branches come to you.

And...

do you ever have trouble putting the star at the top of the tree?

Shit!

Sometimes.

Well, never again, missus. Just press that button there.

Ohhh!

Voila! Right, well, I'll leave you with it, so.

-Merry Christmas,

-missus. Merry Christmas, son. That's fantastic.

Oh, yeah!

Did you want to say something, love?

-What?

-Now, you see? You've got a speaking part now.

They have to pay you extra.

Merry Christmas, son.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, this is fantastic. No more acrobatics from me with the tree.

Grandad!

Grandad, look.

I have a tree that moves.

More than you buckin' do.

-You here, Ma?

-I'm here, love. I'll be in in a second. Put the kettle on.

Don't put your buckin' hand on that.

-What are we going to do, Mark?

-Don't worry, Mammy'll get it out of him.

-Hello, little man!

-Hi, Granny.

Oh, Bono, you look very sad. What's wrong?

-Mammy and Daddy are mad at me.

-Why?

-He wrote his letter to Santa and posted it.

-Good boy.

But now he won't tell us what's in it.

Well, that's private, between him and Santa.

-See?

-But, Bono, we want to get you a present for Christmas.

What if we get him the same thing he asked Santa for?

You won't.

Santa knows things that parents don't know.

-Am I right, Bono?

-Aye.

-See, Mammy? Granny knows everything.

-Oh, stop it!

Well, y'know...

Bono, go and wait in the car.

Mrs Brown, I wish you wouldn't always agree with him.

Now he'll never tell us.

Ulster says no.

Don't mind Betty, Ma.

I know you have a plan to find out what's in Bono's letter.

SHE LAUGHS

No.

Ah, for feck's sake!

Hello, Dermot!

Hello, son. You look like

you're having a shit down someone's chimney!

-Hiya, Mammy.

-Get your feet off the table.

-Ooh!

-SHE LAUGHS

-Dermot, love, would you like a cup of tea?

-No, Mammy.

Listen, Buster has a great idea.

-SHE LAUGHS

-That'll be a first. What is it?

Crackers, Mrs Brown.

-Christmas crackers.

-You're too late, son. They've already been invented.

-Not like this.

-Jesus, that's a big one.

Where did I hear that before?

Pull it.

I haven't heard that for a long time!

Ooh!

-Ooh, that's a big prize for a cracker.

-They have no boxes.

But if I wrapped them and sold them as luxury crackers,

they wouldn't need a box. They'll do great.

It's not your worst idea, Buster.

But you have to get them to crack like a cracker.

-I mean, that just went...

-SHE POPS

I'm working on it, Mrs Brown. A step at a time.

I don't want to become too successful too soon.

SHE LAUGHS

I don't think there's any danger of that!

# This is Christmas season

# So there isn't any reason We can't dance the Christmas polka

# Christmas trees and holly Everyone's so jolly... #

Hello there.

STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

# Christmas trees and holly Everyone's so jolly

# Dancing the Christmas polka! #

Hello, Dermot, son! Jeez, you must be melting in there!

-Do you want a cup of tea, son?

-No, Mammy. Just need the loo.

-Oh.

-You're very chirpy.

-Well, Christmas is in the air.

Here, don't you leave that toilet full of feckin' ice cubes.

SHE LAUGHS

You might have... He...

You know the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

Nice, isn't it?

-Hello, Winnie!

-Agnes, have you got a cure for hiccups?

-Yes. If you...

-BLAGH-HA!

-Jesus Christ! What did you do that for?

Well, you don't have hiccups now.

I didn't have hiccups. Sharon has them.

Feck's sake!

You've made me wet meself!

Where was I? Oh, yes.

It's nice, isn't it? Yes, it's for Sunday night.

See, it was Cathy's idea.

You know? She said that everyone is so busy at Christmas,

why don't we have a Christmas night for family and friends

before Christmas?

So we're having it on Sunday night. I can't wait for it.

Hello, son. I'm just saying I'm looking forward to Sunday night.

-It'll be a fun night.

-Yeah.

I hope you don't mind, but Maria thought her mammy should come along.

Hillary?

That's nice...

There goes the fuckin' fun night.

I like Maria's mother.

She says I'm amazing to have turned out so well, considering.

Considering what?

Considering...

..Daddy dying when I was so young.

You just feckin' thought of that now, didn't you?

Didn't I?

Hey, Dermo. Hello, Mrs Brown.

What's the craic with the Christmas crackers? Are they cracking yet?

Cos if they don't crack like a cracker should crack,

you'll be getting your crackers back.

I think I have it cracked.

I'm using gunpowder from fireworks to make the crackers crack.

What could go wrong?

I have one done, Dermo. It's in the car. Come on, I'll show you.

I'll follow you.

-So it's OK Mrs Nicholson coming, then?

-Hillary is welcome.

It is the season of goodwill.

And she can join in all the family parlour games.

Yeah...

Er...Mammy?

On Sunday night, no Trivial Pursuit.

-Why not?

-Because it always ends in a fight.

And I want this to be a peaceful Christmas party. End of story.

But it can be fun!

-What's fun?

-Trivial Pursuit.

-Ah, Jesus, no.

-It's only a game.

Not when you play it, Mammy.

Last year, Dino had to have counselling.

That's right. There was some terrible row about... What was it?

-I can't remember.

-A hot-air balloon or something.

Zeppelin. It was a Zeppelin.

Oh, well, it doesn't matter.

It does matter, Cathy!

There's a huge difference between a Zeppelin and a hot-air balloon.

You MUST go with the answer that's on the card.

Calm down, Mammy! Rory's right, no Trivial Pursuit.

Oh, Mammy, me and Dino'll be late getting here on Sunday night.

We've a stag do to go to.

Alan and Carla are getting married on New Year's Day!

-Awww!

-Happy Christmas, Dermo!

HUGE EXPLOSION

I'll get your head.

I think it's... I think it's a little bit too much powder.

An exploding cracker.

It must be the Christmas episode.

My cat can say her own name.

It's because you called her Meow.

Why do they always have Christmas

at a time when the shops are so busy?

Yeah, it's terrible.

-Did you get me card yet?

-What card?

-Me Christmas card!

-I posted it to you four days ago.

-Winnie, you only live next door.

I know, it should have arrived by now.

No, I mean you could've just handed it to me.

Ah, no, Agnes. It's really special getting a card in the post.

I think it feels cheap if somebody just hands it to you

without bothering to put a stamp on or nothing.

Here's your card.

Thanks, love.

-Hiya.

-Hiyas!

-Hello, girls!

Oh, Mrs Brown, thank you for inviting my mother to your party.

-Don't mention it.

-It was really kind of you.

-No, don't mention it.

-She's very excited.

Seriously, don't fuckin' mention it.

I'm trying to forget she's coming.

Here, watch this for a laugh.

-Hiya, Betty, love.

-Hiya, Mrs Brown.

Oh, Betty, just to let you know, I spoke to Bono.

I found out what he wants for Christmas.

-Really?

-Mm.

-What?

A snake.

-A snake?

-One of them python things.

-Oh, God. I can't bear snakes.

Well, he told Santa that his little heart would break

-if he didn't get one.

-Oh, my God. I can't break his little heart.

-You'll be fine, Betty.

-Yes.

They're really easy to care for. You only have to feed them once a week.

-A live mouse.

-A talking pussy.

A python? Urgh! Why does he want a python?

He said because his daddy has one.

-Mark?

-He must have overheard you saying, "That's a big python, Mark."

MRS BROWN SNIGGERS I never said...

Oh, shut up, the lot of you!

If someone comes at my pussy with a snake...

It'll be swallowed whole.

My mother used to say, "Buster, if you're not good, Santa won't come."

It just didn't seem worthwhile changing me whole lifestyle

for a yo-yo and an apple.

Yes, well, I try to concentrate more on the religious side of the season.

Oh. I used to, too.

I prayed one year for a bike.

-God doesn't work like that.

-I know.

So I robbed the bike and then I asked God for forgiveness.

Do you know what I mean?

-Do you want a hand, Agnes?

-It's going very well, Winnie.

-It's great.

-Where's Rory?

-He's at a stag party. Him and Dino'll be joining us later.

Oh!

-Now, Hillary, some petits fours?

-Oh, dear, yes, please!

I'm afraid I've nearly eaten all of Grandad's peanuts.

-I hope he won't mind.

-Well, he will be a bit annoyed.

It took him the whole day to suck all the chocolate off them.

-What about some family games?

-ALL: Yes!

MRS BROWN LAUGHS

We could play Trivial Pursuit.

ALL: No!

Yes! No.

-What about charades?

-ALL: Yeah!

Let me see. OK.

Film.

Four words.

Silent.

Hush.

Finger.

-Quiet.

-HE WHISPERS:

-Finger.

-Peaceful.

-Silence.

Silence Of The Lambs!

Fourth word. One syllable.

Silence Of The Lambs!

Legs?

Knees.

Limbs?

Silence Of The Limbs!

Well done! You got it right, Mrs Nicholson! Silence Of The Limbs.

Well done indeed, Mrs Nicholson. Brilliant.

Hold on a buckin' minute!

There's no such film! It's Silence Of The LAMBS.

Well, it says here on the card Silence Of The Limbs,

with Anthony Hopkins.

-I never heard of that one.

-Me neither.

Hold on a cotton-buckin' minute.

The reason Betty never heard of it before is because it doesn't exist!

Calm down, Mammy.

One point to me.

Do not give her a point. She didn't get it.

-Where did we get this buckin'...?

-Mammy, it's only a game.

Where did we get this buckin' game?

I got them done up last year. Sold like hot cakes.

"Film and a book about a great white shark.

"Jews."

"Film, musical, one word.

"Oklahomo!"

This game, one word, one syllable. Comes out your arse.

-Shite!

-Exactly.

That's it. Let's play something else.

-I spy.

-ALL: Yeah!

-Good idea.

Mum, you go first, you won the last one.

She didn't win the fuckin' last one!

She got Silence Of The Limbs.

-It wasn't Silence Of The...

-Mammy!

Will you just let Hillary go first?

She...

Fine.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with F.

-Fone.

-No.

-Fotograph!

-No.

-Foto frame. That's two Fs.

-No.

Feckin' eejit.

No!

-Furniture.

-No.

-Flower?

-No.

-Food?

-No.

-Feet?

-No.

Fist?

-No!

-Flies? Grandad's fly's open.

-No!

-Flagpole? Grandad's fly is open.

SHE LAUGHS

-No. Do you give up? ALL:

-Yes.

France.

I spy! Something you can see!

I was seeing it in my mind's eye.

I'm going to fuckin' kill her.

Mammy! It doesn't matter! It's only a bit of fun.

Look, we have to play these things by the rules.

Whatever we play next, we play by the feckin' rules.

There must be something we can play that won't cause trouble.

Kick boxing.

I have an idea.

I think it was Colonel Mustard in the dining room with the lead pipe.

-No, you're wrong, Buster.

-How do you know?

We're playing Monopoly.

-Right, Mammy, your go. You're the iron.

-Of course I'm the iron.

Story of me feckin' life.

One, two, three, four. Oh! £200, please. Passed go. Thank you!

Five, six, seven, eight.

Pay income tax, £200.

THEY LAUGH

Feckin' stupid game.

Actually, it's a very realistic game.

-Mummy, it's your go.

-Oh!

Oh, Maria, darling, could you move my ship?

Oh, she has a ship, I have an iron.

SHE GASPS Mayfair! I'll buy that.

-How much?

-£400, please.

Jolly good, I've got the full set now.

-SHE MIMICS:

-Jolly good, I've got the full set now.

-Mammy!

-Well, it's not fair.

She's got the Mayfair set, the Piccadilly set, the Vine Street set,

and I'm on me own on the Old Kent Road.

Chance.

I suppose I'm simply more skilful than you

at assembling a property portfolio, Agnes.

Or cheating...

"Pay hospital £100."

She'll need a buckin' hospital in a few minutes.

Maria?

Oh, dear. Vine Street. And it has a hotel on it.

-That's £1,000, I'm afraid, darling.

-I only have 500.

-Well, that's you busted, Maria.

-It's OK, she can owe me the rest.

Thanks, Mum!

-Your go, Buster.

-I'm in jail.

Hold on one cotton-buckin' minute.

-She can't owe you the rest.

-Yes, she can.

-No, she fuckin' can't!

Yes, she flipping can.

It's only a game.

If you're going to play a game, you must play within the rules.

Dermot, back me up on this, son. I'm your mother!

And I'm your wife.

Do you want to see your wife, mother of your three babies, bankrupt?

Leave me out of this.

-SHE SIGHS

-Fine. My go.

Oh, look. I'll have five hotels

-on the Old Kent Road, please. Thank you.

-You can't have five hotels.

-Why not?

-Well, because it's against the rules.

Oh-ho, but there is no rules. Thank you very much.

I threw a double, I'll go again.

Oh, now, four. One, two, three, four.

-Chance.

-But you threw ten.

-I don't care. I'm taking fuckin' four.

Oh, listen to this!

Earthquake in London. Everything destroyed except the Old Kent Road.

Oh!

-Oh, come on, Rory.

-No. I feel stupid.

You should have read the invitation properly. It said, "Dress fancy."

I thought it said fancy dress.

-What's up?

-Mammy threw a wobbly over the games.

-Och, no.

Come on, everybody, it's Christmas time. Cheer up. Let's play charades.

-ALL: No. We tried it.

-Oh, stop this now.

We all have to make an effort, eh?

Mrs Brown! Turn that frown upside down.

Pick a window, son. You're fuckin' leaving.

How's it going in there, Mrs Brown?

Buster's in jail, Maria's broke and Hillary is a pain in the arse.

Well, at least I'm in profit.

With the current climate in the property market, that's very good.

SHE MIMICS

Dino's right. Both of you. Mother, you need to make an effort, too.

Here, Grandad, why don't you have a go at doing a charade?

I've got one for you, Grandad.

Film.

Three words. A film with three words.

The Lost World.

Well, do something else.

Is it a comedy?

-The Love Story?

-Heart.

-Hart To Hart!

-Yeah.

-Oh, no, that's on the telly.

Hart To Hart. That's close.

Stab.

Attack.

-Attack?!

-Attack Of The Clones?

Is it a sci-fi? Oh, no, he's back to love.

Heart.

Attack...

-Attack Of The Heart?

-Heart Attack?

No, there's no such film as fuckin' Heart Attack.

-No, no! He's having a heart attack!

-Jesus!

Get his pills, for God's sake.

A Night In The Love Hotel.

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

Grandad's fine. It was just his angina. He's resting.

He'll be grand in the morning.

Did he say what film it was?

No.

Mammy, some of your lights are not working on the tree.

I'll get them before I go to bed.

-Why do we do this, Mammy?

-Do what?

Every year, we end up having some stupid row.

Why can't we just be like a normal family?

We are just like a normal family, Cathy.

That's what families do at Christmas. They row.

Families get together every Christmas to remind themselves

why they only get together once a year.

-A Mammy truth.

-Exactly.

-Good night, Mammy.

-Good night, love.

SHE GROANS

-SHE LAUGHS

-Realistic game? Look at this one.

Says, "Bank pays dividend..." Hmph! Not in this buckin' country.

Bedtime.

Oh. Me feckin' lights.

Ah! Oh.

Ah! Oh.

Ah! Oh.

SHE CHUCKLES

Ah, here it is.

Now, that's the one!

Grandad! Grandad, stop that! Grandad, stop!

Grandad! Grandad, stop!

Grandad! Grandad, stop!

Stop! Grandad! Stop!

Grandad! Grandad, stop! Stop!

Grandad, stop that now! GRANDAD!

Grandad! Grandad, get away from it!

Grandad, get away from that!

Grandad!

Grandad, stop, you bastard!

Grandad!

GRANDAD!

Mammy?

Mammy?

Cathy!

Cathy...

I'm stuck in the fuckin' tree.

Get the remote control!

Good girl. Stop it now. Stop it!

Stop it! Cathy, stop the feckin' thing, will you?!

Cathy! Cathy!

Will you stop the feckin' thing?!

Cathy! Cathy!

Oh, fuck this.

LOUD CRASH

So, the tree just started bucking like a rodeo bull?

Fucking rodeo...

It was Grandad. You bastard!

That must have been awful.

Well, there was moments in it that were, you know...

-It doesn't matter.

-DOOR OPENS

Buster, do sit down(!) What do you want?

I was coming home from the police station, and I got thinking.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What were you doing in the police station?

It's Christmas.

They invite me up every Christmas for a drink,

just to say thanks for all the overtime.

Of course they do.

And I had an idea of how to find out what's in Bono's letter to Santa.

What is it?

-Bono's staying here tonight, right?

-Yes.

Well, what if I arranged for a "Santa" to come here

and ask Bono what was in his letter?

That's not a bad idea, Agnes.

It's worth a try, Buster.

Right, I'll get the chains in motion.

It's wheels.

Yeah. Chains in wheels!

-Hiyas.

-Hello, love. Are you off out?

I'm out to get Mick's Christmas present.

What's he getting you?

-I don't know.

-Well, as long as it's not a watch...

-No, you don't want the watch.

-No.

-Why not?

If you get the watch, you're getting dumped.

Ah, Mammy.

She's getting dumped.

Agnes, are we going to exchange presents this year?

Of course. I exchange yours every year.

Right, I'm going, love. See you later.

-See you, Winnie.

-How are yous?

-Hey, Winnie.

-Ah, hello, Winnie.

Ah, hello, little man.

Well, Bono, are you looking forward to your sleepover?

-I brought my colouring pens and my pyjamas.

-Good boy.

Now, listen, go and put your pyjamas up in the bedroom,

and with your colouring pens later on, I'll let you colour in Grandad.

Yes!

SHE CHUCKLES

Mrs Brown, please try and find out what's in that letter.

We're starting to panic now.

Betty, believe it or not, I have a plan in operation already.

-I should know by tomorrow.

-Thanks for the sleepover.

-He's been looking forward to it all week.

-Not as much as I have.

You be good for Granny now. I'll see you tomorrow.

See you, love.

Bono, I've been thinking about this letter of yours to Santa.

Yes, what about it?

I think I could guess what was in it.

-You won't.

-I think I will. Will you give me three chances?

-Go on.

-OK. Um...

-A bike?

-I already have one.

A Batman outfit?

-Nope.

-Hmm.

An iPad?

-That's way too much.

-Yeah, it is.

OK, I give up. What is it?

THEY LAUGH

Bono, why are you intent on keeping this such a secret?

-Cos I want to check.

-Check what?

If Santa Claus is real.

Oh!

-He is. I saw him.

-Really?

-Yes. When I was a little girl.

I was in bed and I heard a noise downstairs.

So I went to the top of the stairs and I looked down.

And there he was.

Santa Claus...standing by the Christmas tree.

And my mammy was there, and she was laughing and hugging him.

That was probably your daddy dressed up.

No, it wasn't! Cos my daddy came in the door just then.

We never saw my Uncle Frank again.

SHE CACKLES

Well, d'you know what, if that's your plan,

I don't want to know what's in your letter.

You keep it between you and Santa.

Right, would you like a Guinness?

Just one. I'm driving.

Bono! Are you downstairs?

Yes, I'm just getting a glass of water.

OK, I'll be down to you now.

Hello, Bono. >

Oh, hello, Santa Claus.

What are you doing here three days early?

I wanted to talk to Bono.

-Now, Bono, you sent me a letter.

-Yes, I did.

Well, something's happened to it so I can't read what you asked for.

Oh, dear! What will we do about that?

Why don't you come over here and tell Santa.

That way Santa will know what a good boy you've been all year.

Hey! >

Shush.

Mrs Brown...

This stuff is private.

I'll get your water for you, Bono.

Now, I know you've been a very good boy.

I tell you,

Buster doesn't have many good ideas, but this is one of his best.

Thank you, Mrs Brown.

Buster, for feck's sake! What are you doing here?

Do you want to blow the whole feckin' thing?!

Sorry.

It's just a surprise to hear you saying something nice about me.

Well, this time you deserve it, son.

-Right, will we get it going?

-What?

You get Bono out of bed, and let's get this going.

I don't know what you mean.

-I only have this guy for an hour or so.

-What?!

What the f...?!

SLEIGH BELLS JINGLE

-SANTA:

-Ho-ho-ho!

SHE GASPS

Buster...

Check the tree, make sure everything's still there.

HE ROARS

DOOR BELL RINGS

Hiya, Mick. Come on in.

Hiya, Cathy.

Cathy!

Merry Christmas.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

Well, I'm glad you like it.

Hello, Mick. A Merry Christmas to you.

-Merry Christmas.

-Oh, look at you! What did you get?

-I'll show you later.

-No, no, Cathy, don't worry. You can show her now.

I don't mind.

It's a watch.

That's nice.

How generous.

Welcome to Dumpsville.

Well, it's Christmas Eve, and as is usual in the Brown household,

peace has descended.

Look, I know it's been a tough year for many of you out there.

It's hard to make ends meet. It's hard to get to sleep sometimes,

just worrying about what tomorrow will bring.

And I don't blame you worrying.

But not tonight.

Tonight, take a night off.

Open your heart and let the joy of Christmas shine in.

Mammy...

Fuck off, Rory, I'm busy.

What was it John Wayne said in Gone With His Wind?

"Tomorrow is another day."

SHE LAUGHS

You know, no matter how many dramas I'm in over Christmas and,

believe me, over the years there's been many,

it always amazes me that no matter how the year goes,

I always look forward to Christmas.

Christmas, it's just....

Well, it's magic.

Oh, look. A piano.

MUSIC: "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"

# Have yourself a merry little Christmas

# Let your heart be light

# From now on, our troubles will be out of sight

# Have yourself a merry little Christmas

# Make the Yuletide gay

# From now on our troubles will be miles away

# Here we are as in olden days

# Happy golden days of yore

# Faithful friends who are dear to us

# Gather near to us once more

BOTH: # Through the years we all will be together

# If the fates allow

ALL: # Hang a shining star upon the highest bough

# And have yourself

# A merry little Christmas now. #

Merry Christmas, everybody. Ho-ho-ho!

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all she wears the crown

# A mother hen watching all her chicks

# A sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down... #

Merry Christmas!

-# ..She's Mrs Brown!

-Agnes!

-# That's Mrs Brown!

-Agnes!

# Oh, Mrs Brown. #