Who's a Pretty Mammy? Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains strong language.

SHE LAUGHS

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!'

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #

APPLAUSE

Hello!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. We did!

I'm just sending out me invitations for the New Year's Eve party.

I'm inviting everybody here to bring in 2000-and-whatever-it-is,

because you might be watching this on a repeat.

LAUGHTER

I don't know what your plan is for New Year's Eve,

but mine is to drink cider till I can't pronounce it!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hiya, Ma!

This is a great idea, two Charlie Chaplins!

No, Ma! Laurel and Hardy!

-Oh!

-SHE LAUGHS

Which one are you?

Would you like a cup of tea, son?

No, Ma, just dropped in to tell you about Maria's Auntie Mary.

-What about her?

-She was in a car accident. She didn't make it.

Oh, Mary Sheridan? That's very sad.

-I think they're going to have to close the clinic.

-Clinic?

-It was a whore house.

-BUSTER!

Anyway, I just dropped in to tell ya.

Maria's quite upset about it. So, if she calls in, be nice to her.

I'm always nice!

It's one of my weaknesses.

-She'll have her mother with her.

-That bitch?

MAMMY!

Hiya, Ma!

-Hello, you two!

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

Hello!

I'm just sending out my invitations for the New Year's Eve party.

Remember what we said last year?

We're doing New Year's Eve in Donegal every second year.

Oh, of course, I remember. Don't worry.

That starts next year, does it?

SHE SNIGGERS

I'm only kidding! I know. You won't be there.

Doesn't matter, there'll be plenty there anyway.

Well, we wanted to let you know that we've decided on a school for Bono.

Fantastic!

We've decided on the local school, St Stephens.

Oh, Jesus, no!

-Look, I know it's a tough school...

-Tough school?

Mark, they hold the feckin' parent-teacher meetings in Mountjoy Prison!

Before you know it, it'll be goodbye Bono, hello Scarface.

Bono's a good boy. He'll be fine.

Of course he will.

-Any news on Bono?

-He's going to feckin' Alcatraz!

Mammy!

Well, I'm sorry. He's my grandson and I love him, even if you don't!

Look, it's not up for discussion.

You are not his mother.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Come on, Mark.

Well, bravo, Mammy! You blew that one.

I know St Stephen's School too well. I went there myself.

And rough! If you see a boy with two ears, he's a fuckin' sissy!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is that Two Ears behind me?

Howya, Mammy? Howya, Cathy?

Did you hear about Maria's auntie?

Yes, very sad.

Are they sausages? Can I have one?

Ohh!

See yous!

Dirty sausage gobbler!

Cathy! You can't say that!

You have to say "gay"!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it.

Picking the right school for a child of Bono's age is very important.

You want a progressive school,

not one like St Stephen's, where the English class

is all about teaching you how to fill out an unemployment form.

Visitors, Mammy.

Oh, hello, Fathers.

Sit down.

Tea, Fathers?

Ah, no, we won't, Cathy. It's just a quick visit.

-LAUGHTER

-Hello.

-Hello.

Ah! Mrs Brown, let me explain.

-As you know, Father Quinn has gone back to...

-Rehab?

..his home town.

-He wants to...

-Dry out?

-..reaffirm his faith.

-Oh.

-So, for as long as he's...

-Pissed?

-..away,

Father McBride here has come over from Ballymun

and he'll be running the parish now.

McBride, is it?

I've heard a lot about you, Mrs Brown.

Funny, I know nothin' about you.

But I bet he doesn't buy yoghurt.

I'd say he buys milk and just stares at it!

It's a pity I have to begin my tenure here with some bad news.

Miss Sheridan from the clinic died in a motor accident.

Yes, I heard, very sad.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Well, the wake is being held in the clinic.

-It could do with a cleaning.

-Well, when you've finished that,

try and think of something I can do to help.

-We were up there just now. Everybody's very upset.

-Mmm.

We have her parrot in the car.

-Her parrot? What are you going to do with it?

-I don't know.

If we can't find a home for it, I suppose we'll just have to...

Shave it?

Ah, no, Father Damien. We could take it, couldn't we, Mammy?

Not in this house. No. No way. No feckin' way. No.

I'm not having the parrot in this house, and that's the end of it.

-PARROT SQUAWKS

-Come on, say it.

Come on, say it. "That's nice!"

LAUGHTER

"That's nice!"

Come on, say it!

PARROT SQUAWKS

Feckin' useless.

If I had a Taser and a hotplate, I'd make you sing and buckin' dance!

That's loose.

-Hiya, Mammy!

-Hello, son.

-What's up?

-Nothin'.

Just thought I'd drop in on me way home from work.

-How's Dino?

-He's good.

Ohh! Who didn't finish their dinner?

Rory! Will you stop this? What's going on with you?

I'm starvin'!

Mammy, Dino doesn't eat meat, only vegetables,

and I'm trying to support him, but I'm starvin'!

Rory, you can't be doing that. You have to tell Dino this is not on!

No. At least I'm not a vegan.

No, of course not. Once a Catholic, always a Catholic.

Dino says I need a bit more roughage.

Dirty bastard!

LAUGHTER

No, Mammy! For me bowels!

I'm not listening!

LAUGHTER

You go into work and you tell Dino I want to see him here tomorrow!

All right.

Roughage! I'll give him buckin' roughage!

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

-Hiya, Winnie!

-Howya, love?

Remind me, I must fix that.

You look tired, pet.

I am, and sure why wouldn't I be? I'm fuckin' walking since I was two!

I'm thinking of taking Jacko away on holiday.

He's in hospital, for Christ's sake!

Well, I was hoping they'd let him out for a few days.

I only need to find somewhere that would cater for somebody

attached to a drip.

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't call him a drip, Winnie!

SHE GIGGLES

I knew you were going to say that!

Winnie, everybody knew I was going to say that!

What's that?

It's the hel-en-ium for the balloons.

Here, did you ever see this?

SHE INHALES

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-Hello, Winnie!

-Give us a go!

-Here.

WINNIE INHALES

SQUEAKILY: Cup of tea?

I-I should point out to those of you at home, for safety reasons,

the BBC have asked me to mention that using helium is very dangerous.

Come on, Winnie, we'll do a big one!

LAUGHTER

THEY INHALE

DOOR OPENS

Hiya, Mrs Brown. Hiya, Winnie.

LAUGHTER

I've just come from me mother's. She's very upset.

Her sister, my Aunt Mary, she was in a car accident.

She didn't survive it.

LAUGHTER

You know, she spent years building up her sports clinic,

and now it all comes to an end so quickly.

It's terrible, isn't it?

I just don't know what to say to my mother to cheer her up.

Do you have any suggestions, Mrs Brown?

LAUGHTER

Mrs Brown?

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-At least it happened very quick...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLES

What the hell?!

For God's sake!

She's annoyed.

THEY LAUGH

-SQUEAKILY:

-Oh, my God! I'll have to apologise.

Oh, poor Mary Sheridan.

-BOTH, SQUEAKING:

-Lord, rest her!

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Oh, we'll toast her on New Year's Eve.

I can't be at your party New Year's Eve.

The hospital are holding a bit of a do, you know,

New Year's Eve party for the patients, so I'll be joining Jacko.

You're going to miss a great night, Winnie. All the family'll be there.

-Ah.

-Mm-hmm.

Mary Sheridan's clinic... Your Jacko used to go up there?

Mmm, quite a lot...

to get his ligament pulled.

LAUGHTER

Bono is not going to that school.

It's the worst school in Dublin.

Now, now, Mammy! Says who?

That's just the papers. You don't know the story behind the story.

Who actually said it?

The headteacher!

LAUGHTER

From her hospital bed!

Give me that!

-Who wants a drink?

-I do. Winnie's fine.

Agnes,

if you're cross-eyed AND dyslexic,

can you still read OK?

Ah, thanks, Sharon.

-What?

-Did you get your surprise yet?

I'm not with you. What surprise?

-BARBARA!

-(Jesus...)

-Tell Cathy about her surprise.

-You lucky duck!

Will one of yous two tell me what the hell you're talking about?

Well, you know Jackie from Travel Paths?

The travel agents? Yeah, what about her?

Well, she told me that your Mick was in

and he bought a romance package for Venice for New Year's weekend.

Venice?! I've never been to Venice!

-Well, you're going now, Miss!

-Venice!

Don't let on you know, now, cos Jackie swore me to secrecy.

-Rory?

-SHE BURPS

Did you tell Dino I want to see him?

Yeah. He's going to drop into you.

He cooked us Quorn last night.

Quorn on the quob?

LAUGHTER

Quorn Kievs.

They look exactly like chicken, but they're made out of fungus.

Oh, Rory, you can't be going on like this.

-I'm OK.

-You're not OK, Rory.

Every chance you get, you're running away from Dino

and chomping on my meat!

LAUGHTER

Listen to this - the school have all sorts of people going up there

to speak to the children.

Poets, artists, sport stars...

The firemen were there last week.

That's cos the place was on feckin' fire.

"My ambition," said the headteacher,

"is that this will become a beacon school."

Well, she got her wish -

that fire could be seen for feckin' miles!

Come on, "Who's a pretty boy?"

"That's nice!"

You big-nosed, lazy, good for nothin' bastard!

Leave the bird alone!

I wasn't talkin' to the bird, I was talkin' to you!

What are you doing, Mammy?

Just going through the replies to the New Year's Eve invitations.

They're all "no"s.

Everybody's busy.

Well, you won't be getting a "yes" from me or Mick, either.

-We're going to Venice!

-Has he sprung the big surprise yet?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I think he's just about to!

Come on, say it, "That's nice!"

Fuckin' useless!

Leave the bird alone!

He won't talk!

-PARROT:

-"Leave the bird alone!"

LAUGHTER

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

-Hello, son.

Oh, you're getting late Christmas cards?

No, I'm just going through replies to the invitations for New Year's Eve.

I'm afraid I won't be coming.

And why would that be?

Well, erm, I won't be here.

And where will you be?

Are they going to have sex?

No, she's poking him, he's not poking her.

He's a prick!

Shut up, Grandad!

So, Mick, where will you be on New Year's Eve?

-Cork.

-Oh, yeah?

Cork?

What's in Cork?

Well, we're setting up a big raid.

It's drug stuff, I can't really talk about it.

So, I won't see you, then?

No, I'm afraid not.

But it's just a weekend.

I see.

Sometimes, your grandad gets it just right.

LAUGHTER

"Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake."

Hiya, Ma.

-Hello, you two.

-Hello.

I got your message, so we're here.

Mrs Brown, if you think you're going to talk us out of Bono's school,

you're wasting your time.

Bono's going to St Stephen's, and that's that.

I'm not trying to talk you out of anything.

Buster!

Yes, Mrs Brown?

Sit down there, son.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

How are yous?

Now, Buster, I'm going to ask you a few questions, all right?

-Sure.

-Now, the country India, you've heard of that, have you?

-I have.

-Yeah.

That was easy!

That wasn't one of them, son!

No, here we go. Now, question one...

MASTERMIND JINGLE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What was Ghandi's first name?

Goosey Goosey.

LAUGHTER

How long did the Six-Day War last?

30 years?

LAUGHTER

Complete this nursery rhyme.

"Mary had a little lamb..."

"Her father shot the shepherd."

LAUGHTER

And finally...

MASTERMIND BEEP

No, I've started, so I'll finish.

Finally, Buster,

what school did you go to?

St Stephen's.

Bono is not going to that school.

Well, it's entirely up to you.

Well, in that case, we'll have to get Father McBride to sign this form

to say it's OK for Bono to go to school outside the parish.

-You give it to me. I'll get it signed.

-Thanks.

-See you, Ma.

-See you, son.

So, how did I do, Mrs Brown?

You did fantastic, Buster.

I wrote the answers on me hand, in case I forgot.

You did great, Buster.

I can't believe they fell for it.

Everybody knows Ghandi's first name was Andy.

LAUGHTER

GRUNTING AND GROANING

SIGHING

TOILET FLUSHES

Ohh, Jesus!

-Are you there, Agnes?

-I'm here, Winnie.

Jesus, you don't look the best!

I had a curry on the way home last night,

-from The Star Of Bengal.

-Oh!

I hate their curries. Too hot!

You think they're hot going down?

I swear, I feel like I'm hiding a blowtorch in me knickers!

Winnie, give me the air freshener out from under the sink.

The pine one.

Ah, there you go love.

Thanks, Winnie. Oh, God!

SPRAY HISSES

Agnes!

What, Winnie?

It says here, "You need a visa to enter Jordan."

Jesus, she's getting fussy!

LAUGHTER

You know, I feel sorry for girls like Jordan.

You know, girls with the big boobies.

I feel sorry for the girls with the little boobies.

You see some of them on the catwalk...

Bejeez, a bit of Clearasil rubbed on and they could disappear altogether.

Oh-ho-ho, have to go!

SHE FARTS

I'm fine!

Ugh, Jesus, Agnes, that's strong!

Tell you, it is a bit rough, isn't it?!

Bit of an edge on that one! Yeah!

SPRAY HISSES

Howya, Ma.

Jesus! Smells like someone shit a Christmas tree in here!

LAUGHTER

Mammy, have you had any luck with that form for the school?

No, I need a couple of days and I haven't got it yet, love.

Well, it has to be in by the 2nd of January.

I know, I know. I'll have it for... Oh, have to go!

Is Mammy all right?

Curry tummy! She'll be fine, love.

Oh, right.

Oh, Mrs McGooghan, Mammy was asking me earlier for some glue.

Will you give her that?

TOILET FLUSHES I will.

Tea, pet?

No, I'm grand.

SPRAY HISSES

LAUGHTER

Two sprays?

Mark dropped in the glue for you, love.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Winnie!

-What?

What?

I can't get my legs open!

Agnes, it's 35 years too late for that!

-No, Winnie, seriously!

-What?

Me legs are stuck together! Come on, help me get them apart!

LAUGHTER

Agnes! It's everywhere!

Winnie, here!

You get my legs apart and I'll get your arse off!

OK.

WINNIE GROANS

-No...

-No, can't.

-Here, push me up, right.

Get them up, up, up!

SIZZLING

-Hold on there!

-FABRIC RIPS

-Got it!

-Winnie!

-What?

-WINNIE!

-I'm fuckin' burnin'!

-Oh, Jesus!

CLATTERING

CRASHING AND HISSING

Winnie! What are you feckin' doing?

Agnes... Agnes, me face is stuck to your knickers!

Uh-oh!

LAUGHTER

PLEASE don't fart!

MAMMY?!

I can explain everything!

-No.

-I beg your pardon, Father?

I won't sign it, Mrs Brown.

There are too many good children leaving the parish.

The best chance St Stephen's School has of improving

is to hang on to good children like Bono.

With all due respects, Father, the only way St Stephen's is going to improve

is with a buckin' bulldozer.

-Sign it!

-I won't.

Father, don't piss me off!

I'm running out of places to bury the bodies!

Hello, Father McBride.

I was just leaving. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Father.

We just wanted to thank you for taking the parrot, Mrs Brown.

Oh, yes.

How are you, Higgley?

Oh, I'm just trying to keep myself together.

-We went up to clean up the, er, clinic.

-Oh.

-We found lots of leather...

-That's enough, Maria!

No need to discuss family business.

Higgley, everybody in Finglas knows it's a fuckin' knocking shop!

It was a SPORTS CLINIC...

..and let that be the end of it.

PARROT SQUAWKS

"My name is Lulu.

"Can I have your credit card number?"

"Oooh! That's a big one!"

LAUGHTER

Right, well, we'll say no more.

-Hi!

-Oh, Dino.

We should go.

Dino, I have a dinner for you.

Oh, dinner! I haven't eaten all day!

Well, safe home.

LAUGHTER

Sit, Dino!

Now...

..eat!

-Mrs Brown, I don't eat meat.

-I know, Rory told me.

That's why I was dying to introduce you to Super Soya Steak.

Looks like meat, tastes like meat, but it's made of soya.

-Really?

-Really.

-Oh.

Oh, my God! It really does taste like meat.

Mm-hmm! Good boy!

Mrs Brown, may I use your toilet?

Of course!

I'll put this in the oven.

No, no, I'll not be that long.

DOOR OPENS

You got here before me.

Be with you in a second, pet.

-Doesn't he look happy?

-He does!

-What did you do?

-I gave him a steak.

-Oh, no!

-I told him it was made of soya.

-He couldn't even tell the feckin' difference!

-Mammy!

Dino's not a vegetarian...

he's allergic to meat!

Allergic?!

DINO: Oh, my God! I'm swelling!

Dino, are you all right?!

I'm swelling up, Rory!

I'll give you two a moment on your own.

Come out, Dino!

I'm stuck to the toilet!

Dino, open the door!

Mammy, he looks like an orang-utan!

I think he looks better!

Is that my ring?

LAUGHTER

Father...

have you had a chance to think?

Let's not go down that road, Mrs Brown.

My mind is made up.

Don't even try, Mrs Brown.

When Father McBride says no, he means it.

-PARROT:

-"Hello, Father McBride. Back again?"

LAUGHTER

"Who's for a ride on Father McBride?"

Lulu seems to know you!

Well, I-I did rescue her from that...den of iniquity.

"Is it a Biro? Is it a Bic?

"Or is it Father McBride's little..."

PARROT SQUAWKS

Mrs Brown, you might consider letting me have that parrot.

Well, I certainly might...consider it.

-Well, I hope you're satisfied now, Mrs Brown.

-Oh, yes!

And more than the girls were down in the fuckin' clinic, it seems!

"That's nice!"

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

-Lucky the parrot said what he said.

-Lucky?

Took me all week to feckin' train him!

LAUGHTER

Buster, thanks very much for coming around.

-I'm sorry it's not more lively.

-No problem.

-Would you like to dance?

-No.

Oh, hiya, Trevor!

Hey, Cathy!

-Are you all right?

-I just went for a long walk.

Did your long walk take you past the airport?

Yeah.

He was there... with some young thing.

Did you watch him fly off?

No.

I watched them being taken away for an internal body search.

Someone must have tipped Customs off they were drug smugglers!

That's my girl!

-What's this all about?

-I'll tell you later, Trevor.

For now, let's just make the best of the night.

Good for you, chicken. There's plenty more fish in the sea.

You just keep getting the crabs.

LAUGHTER

DOOR OPENS

-Look who it is!

-Hello!

-My God, I thought yous were all going away?

-Ah, we had a chat.

Betty, Maria and Dino can head off and we'll join them tomorrow.

It's my dream come true!

New Year's Eve with just my family!

-Hooray!

-Turn up the telly.

Buster, where do you think you're going?

-You said just family.

-You stay where you are.

You ARE family.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ahh!

No, you're all right, thanks.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, fuck off then!

I'm only joking!

-TV:

-"..Eight, seven, six..."

-Oh, look quick!

-ALL:

-Five, four, three, two, one!

-BIG BEN CHIMES ALL:

-Happy new year!

# Should auld acquaintance be forgot

# And never brought to mind?

# Should auld acquaintance be forgot

# For the sake of auld lang syne?

# For auld lang syne, my dear

# For auld lang syne

# We'll take a cup of kindness yet

# For the sake of auld lang syne

Happy new year!

ALL: Happy new year!