Mammy's Christmas Punch Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains some strong language

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

GROANING

GROANING CONTINUES

Are you nearly done in there, Buster?

Nearly!

SINGING OUTSIDE

There's Christmas carol singers outside, Mrs Brown!

Well, for God's sake, open the door and give them something!

# Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. #

Happy Christmas!

Hello!

Do you know, I was just thinking.

You'd wonder who it was that stared at a chicken and thought,

"I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of that bird's arse."

Huh, anyway, a very Merry Christmas to you, one and all.

Right, Mrs Brown, the perfect Christmas tree for you!

Oh, excellent! Hold your horses, Buster.

Does it buckin' bronco?

Nope.

Does it spin?

-Nope.

-And it's cheap?

-50 quid.

-I'll fix you up in Foley's.

Here's the manual.

A manual? What do I need a feckin' manual for?

If you come inside, I'll show you.

Mm. HE CHUCKLES

As well as being a very... attractive...tree,

the Securi-Tree 5 will ensure you that nothing will be stolen.

For instance, let's say somebody came in

and tried to nick one of your Christmas tree ornaments.

-TREE:

-You can't touch this!

Mother of God!

Buster, have you lost your mind?!

Someone could have a nasty accident.

No, no, no, disassemble number five!

Relax, it's OK! If you don't like it, just plug it out.

That disables the feature.

-Ah, that's better!

-Right, I'm off!

-OK, see you, son.

-See ya.

I am determined to have a safe Christmas this year.

Do you know that most domestic accidents happen

over the Christmas period?

That's just a safety message

courtesy of the British Broad Corporing Castration.

Do I have to say, it's been a very quiet Christmas so far.

It's simple, Dino. Treatment first, THEN introduce the product.

There's more than one way to style, you know,

-and I use the Dino Doyle method.

-Ha!

You can't just make a mess of someone's hair

and then say it's a "method".

Mammy, here's that Christmas present you asked me to pick up for Winnie.

SMASH!

Thank you, love. Winnie will be delighted.

-A mess?

-Yes!

How dare you! I was a top stylist when you were just...

sweeping up hair!

I have never been so insulted in my life!

Ah, you must have been!

Supposed to be a rubber egg!

Ah, shut up, Mark!

I'm not arguing with you, Betty.

All I'm saying is if you did the school run,

I could get to work a good half hour earlier.

Ha! You mean stay in bed for half an hour longer, don't you?

Here, Mrs Brown, you can pay for that at the Post Office.

-OK.

-Thanks for doing that.

What if I did stay in bed for half an hour longer?

Maybe then you could cook a bit of breakfast.

What am I - your head cook and bottle washer, then?

Why don't you just stay here with your Mammy

and she can make you breakfast?

At least me mammy never made me beg for a breakfast!

DOOR SLAMS

Where was I?

Oh, yes, it's been a very...peaceful Christmas so far.

What's all the noise?

Dino made a mess of somebody's hair and he won't admit it.

So Rory said that that makes it look like it's his fault.

Even though Dino did the style.

And Mark and Betty can't agree on

who should do the school run in the mornings.

Mark says Betty should do it because then he can get

through the traffic and into work half an hour early.

Betty says, "No, he just wants to stay in bed half an hour longer."

They can't agree who should stay in bed the half an hour longer

and Mark is starving.

You understood all that from that mayhem?

No, no, love. I write the script!

Oh, guess who I met in town.

-Who?

-Bubbles!

Bubbles McCarthy?

Bubbles McGrath now, Mammy.

She's married. Has two kids and, yep, she's back from London.

So I told her to drop up for a chat.

Bubbles McCarthy back in Finglas!

Be nice to see her.

See the way I fucked up that line but made it look like it was you?

Good, wasn't it?

Nobody noticed a thing, love.

Cathy, try and concentrate, love.

So hard to get a good daughter nowadays.

Oh, Bubbles McCarthy was Mark's girlfriend for three years.

Cathy, for God's sake, will you put your feckin' stuff away!

Somebody'll have a nasty accident.

You know, we all thought

that Bubbles and Mark would be married, but she dumped him.

Here, Grandad, here's a cup of tea.

I have a pain in me chest.

Ah, well, it's far from your arse, you won't sit on it.

You know, I often think that Mark married Betty,

you know, on the rebound.

I suppose when your heart is broken, you'll take anything.

Morning, Agnes.

Good morning, Winnie.

-Cup of tea, love?

-Oh, please, love.

I saw Cathy out jogging earlier. She's looking well.

Be careful, Winnie. That could be construed as sexual harassment.

-What?

-Nothing. I'm only joking.

-All set for the Christmas?

-Well, more or less.

It doesn't look like Jacko will be out for the Christmas,

so it'll just be me and Sharon.

Oh, that's a pity. Jacko not out.

That's five years in a row.

All right, what's in the feckin' notebook?

Me bucket list!

Your WHAT?!

Me bucket list. I read it in a magazine.

You should make a list of all the things you'd love to do

and try and get them all done before you die.

Mine would be easy. Win the lottery, go fuckin' bananas.

End of list.

Get a tattoo?

Yes, you should have all your children's names

tattooed on your body.

I already have, Winnie. They're called stretch marks.

And that's it? Nothing else?

I only started it this morning. I'm thinking.

Cathy said she saw Bubbles McCarthy down town.

Yeah, Sharon was telling me.

She's back in Finglas a few weeks now.

She could be back for good, Sharon says. She's divorced.

-No!

-Yes!

-Oh, no!

-Oh, yes!

-No, no!

-Yes, yes!

-NO!

-YES!

STOP!

-I thought you liked Bubbles?

-Well...

-You loved her when she was going out with Mark.

-Yes, I know.

But when she dumped him, it broke his heart.

It took him months to get over it.

Ah, Agnes, that was then, this is now.

Yes, but now she's back.

She's available...

and she's coming up here to visit.

CUT!

"Barney's Furniture Store - HUGE sale LAST WEEK!"

Why would they tell you about a sale that happened last week?

Hi, Grandad!

Mammy, Dr Flynn is here, he's just pulled up.

Cathy, will you put away your feckin' trampoline!

Somebody would have a nasty accident.

-Hello, Mrs Brown!

-Hello, Dr Flynn.

-Where's the patient?

-Over here.

Dr Flynn, he's very bad.

If you have to put him down, we understand.

Out of my way, Mrs Brown.

Right, Grandad. Let's be having a look at you.

HE LAUGHS

I'm sorry, excuse me!

Furniture adverts, Mammy? What are you looking for?

I'm not looking for anything. I've already bought it.

Shelves for me new walk-in wardrobe.

What walk-in wardrobe?

-In me spare room.

-You don't have a spare room!

Not yet, but chest pains, Dermot, it can't be long.

You're a gas, Mammy. If we shot Grandad tomorrow,

you'd be the one that would miss him the most.

Try me!

-What's wrong, son?

-It's Buster, Mammy.

There's a surprise!

The business is going great,

but I really need one steady client that I can build on.

I have a chance of getting the contract

to promote this new German pub in town.

A German pub? What's it called?

The Lederhosen Vorkommen Der Deutschland Jawohl Ha-ha!

As well as dressing for the part, there's a little dance

we have to do and Buster won't practise.

What's the pub called?

HE LAUGHS

Oh!

The Lederhosen Vorkommen Der...

The Lederhosen Vorkommen Der Deutschland Jawohl Ha-ha!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As well as dressing for the part, there's a little dance

we have to do and Buster won't practise.

The owner's coming to see us in action next Tuesday.

I just know Buster won't be ready.

Well, Dermot, the only thing you can do is either make Buster practise or...

-get somebody else.

-Yeah.

Hey, Maria says Bubbles is back in town?

Yes, that's right.

-Does Mark know?

-I don't know, but...I'm sure he'll be fine.

I wouldn't be too sure.

Right, Mrs Brown, I've had a good look at Grandad.

I've given him a prescription and as far as I can see...

HELLO!

Over here!

Right, I'm off. Giddy up, Mammy!

Come on, Doctor, tell me the worst.

Grandad has abdominal bloating!

How long has he got?

Wind, Mrs Brown.

Wind! Wind... WIND?!

Yes, I've given him something to shift it.

PHHRRTTTT! >

There you go. I'm off.

Now, wait a minute.

Are you telling me I've paid £150 for shelves

so he can have a fart?

HE LAUGHS

Yes, very good. Do you know any Christmas songs?

No, sorry, no.

-You should learn some, son.

-I should do, yeah.

-Thanks, Winnie.

-There you go, Pet.

How's things coming with the bucket list?

Agnes, it's really hard to think of things to put on it.

But I did add a trip to Paris to see the Blackpool Tower.

Eiffel.

Oh, sorry, Blackpool "hyphen" Tower.

No...

the Eiffel Tower is in Paris. The Blackpool Tower is in Blackpool.

Oh, that's handy.

-Hello, ladies.

-Oh, Buster, good man.

I have that ready for you.

-Thank you very much.

-Ah, nice one!

Buster, if you were drawing up a bucket list,

-what would you put on it?

-A bucket?

If you were making a list of things to do before you die,

what would you put on your list?

Er... Number one, write a bucket list.

I should put that down, Agnes.

Here, Buster, why aren't you practising your dance for Dermot?

I am practising, Mrs Brown, I'll be ready.

You'd better be or I'm telling you, son, you'll have no job.

Mammy's going to get such a surprise!

She hasn't seen her sister in 20 years, can you believe that?

Oh, I love surprises!

I think they're a waste of time. Nobody's ever really surprised.

Is that Bubbles McGrath?

What?!

Hey there, Mister. Long time no see!

Heh! How are ya?

Hello, I'm Betty. Mark's wife.

Oh, yeah! Hiya, I'm Bubbles McCarthy.

I thought it was Bubbles McGrath?

Ah, it used to be, it's McCarthy now. I'm divorced.

Well, he's not!

OK, I have it. Let's do this.

Agnes, if vampires can't see their reflection in the mirror,

how come their hair is always perfect?

Winnie, shut up!

Ahem!

What's this? What's going on?

Mammy, the whole family have chipped in for your Christmas present.

Yay!

We'd like to give it to you now.

Now? But it's not Christmas.

We know, but you'll understand once you open it.

-What's this?

-It's a voucher for a return flight to Toronto.

You're going to see your sister next week for ten days!

-ALL:

-YAY!

Yay!

Eh...eh... But that means I won't be here for Christmas Day.

YAY!

Yay! Hey-hey!

Yippee-ki-buckin'-aye!

Why do they want to get rid of me?

They don't, Agnes. It's just a present.

Yes, a present that says "Happy Christmas, Mammy. Now feck off!"

How's things coming with your bucket list?

Here.

SHE SIGHS

SHE CHUCKLES "Own a bit of land"?

-Yeah.

-You wish!

"Drink hot chocolate in the snow." What the hell is that about?

Well, one Christmas week, me and me Mammy came back from the shops

and we were locked out.

-CHRISTMAS CAROL SINGING

-It was snowing and me mammy said,

"Now we'll have to wait for your daddy to come home."

So she got a teapot from the shed, you know, and we lit a little fire.

Ah, in no time the fire was blazing away...

# ..Down where he lay... #

Very nice. Now, feck off and don't come back!

Me mammy was rooting in her shopping bag, right,

and she tooks out the milk and she made hot chocolate.

Ah, we just sat there in the Christmas snow

sipping hot chocolate.

Oh!

I remember how happy I was.

I just sat there gazing at me mammy's face,

hoping me daddy would never come home.

Ah, it was lovely!

Is it finished?

Agnes, these are me memories.

Winnie, that's the past, now back to the future.

Why are they trying to get rid of me?

I want to be at home for Christmas!

Agnes, it's just a present.

Speaking of presents.

-Here, Happy Christmas.

-Ah, you're very good, Agnes.

It's only a little something. I may as well give it to you now,

because I won't be here for Christmas!

SHE SOBS

PHONE RINGS I'll get that.

I'll see you later so!

See you later, Winnie.

Hope it's not them feckin' carol singers again!

-TREE:

-You can't touch this!

Who the hell plugged that in?

HE CHUCKLES

Ah! What? Excuse...

Wait a minute! What's this?

Delivery. Here.

No, no, no, you don't understand. I cancelled the shelves, you have to take them back.

-No, we don't do collections, do we, Michael?

-Never.

-Well, well, son...

-Listen, you're going to have to ring the shop

and they'll send someone out.

It won't be till after Christmas cos we'll be spending Christmas with our families.

-AUDIENCE:

-Awwww!

Christmas with their families.

With their families!

SHE SOBS

LAUGHTER

Ah, Bubbles, you haven't changed a bit.

Oh, you sound like you were a mad bunch.

Oh, we were! There was a big gang of us, wasn't there, Mark?

Gertie Holbaker, do you remember her?

I do! She'd show you her knickers for a lick of your lollipop!

She even tried that on me!

I nearly died! "Here," I said, "you can take the lollipop!"

-They seem to be having a ball.

-Mm.

Should Mark not be gone home for his dinner by now?

-Yeah.

-What's up?

Cathy, why do yous want to send me away for Christmas?

What? We don't, Mammy!

It's just a chance to spend some time with your sister, that's all.

Is it something I've done?

Mammy, we just wanted you to have a special Christmas.

Cathy, I've had every Christmas at home with the family

and they've all been special. SHE SOBS

Send Grandad away, nobody'd fuckin' miss him!

Fine. Then, don't go.

Really?

-Is this a trick?

-No.

I'll give you back the voucher.

No, you won't. It's yours, you can do what you like with it.

Oh!

Ohh!

Uh-oh!

Ah, Betty. Here, have a drink.

-Sharon, when you're ready.

-I don't want a drink.

You get yourself home, Mark Brown.

Your dinner has been ready hours ago,

and your son has gone to bed without a goodnight kiss from his daddy.

Er, I'd better go. Goodnight.

Oh, been there!

No, you haven't!

Would you like a drink, Bubbles, before you go?

No, thanks.

Sharon, when you're ready.

-A pint of cider and a glass of Chardonnay!

-OK.

Sharon, is your mother not coming down tonight?

Oh, yeah, she's getting all dolled up.

She couldn't wait to try the curling tongs you gave her for Christmas.

I didn't give her curling tongs for Christmas!

I gave her an electric carving knife.

It said "Electric Carving Knife" on the box!

Who reads boxes?

Everybody!

Hello, Dermot. Yeah, hold on, hold on, son.

Hello, calm down!

I'm trying to talk to Dermot on the phone.

CAROL SINGING OUTSIDE Dermot? Did you get the contract?

# ..Joyful and triumphant... #

I can't hear, there's carol singers!

-Leave it to me, Mrs Brown.

-# O come ye, o come ye... #

FECK OFF!

Fantastic! Well, just park the car and come on in.

Dermot's just here, he got the contract!

-ALL:

-Hurrah!

LAUGHTER Congratulations, boys, well done!

-Well done! You got the contract.

-We did.

-And did you do the dance?

-We did!

And I didn't put a foot wrong!

Well done, Buster! Go and get yourselves a drink.

Oh, wait, wait, just one second.

What did the dance look like?

I knew it! Go with it.

No, no, no, come HERE!

What...? What way did you start it?

THEY GIGGLE

-Like that.

-Do a little bit of it, go on!

We've no music or anything, Ma!

Oh, I have fuckin' music!

Are you ready?

OOMPAH MUSIC STARTS

AUDIENCE CHEER AND APPLAUD

Touche!

I'm glad we got to Christmas and we're not fighting.

Me too...

Husband!

Dino, you're more than my husband...

you're me best friend.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

Thank you.

If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...

..I'd miss you every day!

What is SHE doing here?

Rory asked her. Sorry, it's not fair to you.

You haven't changed a bit!

-Yes, I have.

-No, you're still as handsome as ever.

Bubbles, I don't know what you were expecting,

but if it's hooking up with me...

That's it, hold this. I'm going to smack her!

Hold on there, Bubblicious!

Now, there's only two women in this room that get

to stroke his face like that, and you are not one of them!

Calm down, Mrs Brown.

Mark's a big boy, he's well able to make his own decisions.

Listen, Chunky...

As far as I'm concerned, Mark Brown had

the luckiest break of his life 12 years ago!

Not because you dumped him.

Because he met Betty.

You couldn't come near her.

And she's crap!

It's time I was going.

Check your watch again, love. You'll find it's slow...

12 years slow.

Good riddance!

Oh!

Don't push yer fuckin' luck, Betty.

-Oh, thanks very much, Winnie.

-Cheers, pet.

-Sit down, love.

-Oh, thanks, love.

Winnie, I've decided to help you...

-..with your bucket list.

-Really? How?

Well, what was the first thing on it?

Get a tattoo.

-Roll up your sleeve.

-Right.

BOTH LAUGH

What's the next thing?

See the Rifle Tower.

Winnie, I cashed in my Canada ticket

in exchange for two tickets to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower.

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww!

Ah, Agnes...

-..who am I going to bring?

-Feck off!

What else?

Oh, yeah, drink hot chocolate in the snow.

Taste that.

It's hot chocolate!

Now, here...

put them on.

Follow me.

FOLLOW ME!

Ah, Agnes!

Ah, this is amazing!

What was the next thing on your list?

Own a bit of land.

Ah, Jaysus, Agnes, you haven't gone and bought me a farm, have you?

No.

Better! Here, look at that.

"Winnie McGoogan, you are now the owner of KT1069."

What's that?

Winnie, look up at the sky.

Yeah?

-Do you see the Plough?

-Yeah.

Now follow me, count to five.

-BOTH:

-One, two, three, four, five.

-Now go up one.

-Yeah?

-See that star?

-Uh-huh?

Congratulations, Winnie, you own that.

Ah, Agnes, that's amazing!

Here, who owns the bright one next to it?

Me!

BOTH LAUGH

-TREE:

-You can't touch this!

It's a pity it isn't snowing.

Hold on!

DEVICE BLEEPS

Ah, Agnes this is... this is amazing!

You're too good to me.

Yes, I am.

This is lovely!

Well, Buster said it was a reject.

I don't know why they rejected it. Seems to be working fine.

Well...that's Christmas done

and I managed to get through it in one piece.

Ahhhhh! Help, I'm after falling down the stairs!

-Help!

-Good God! Grandad!

Aargh!

I'm grand, I'm grand!

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine!

Really, I'm OK!

-TREE:

-You can't touch this!

No...still in one piece!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Goodnight!

# You can't touch this

# Can't touch this

# Break it down!

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

# Stop, Hammer time!

# Go with the flow, it is said

# If you can't groove to this Then you probably are dead

# So wave your hands in the air

# Bust a few moves run your fingers through your hair

# This is it, for a winner

# Dance to this and you're gonna get thinner

# Move, slide your rump

# Just for a minute let's all do the bump

# Bump, bump, bump

# Yeah

# You can't touch this. #

-Bye!

-Merry Christmas!

-Goodnight! SHE LAUGHS