Mammy's Mummy Mrs Brown's Boys


Mammy's Mummy

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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SHE LAUGHS

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

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# She's Mrs Brown

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# That's Mrs Brown

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# Our Mrs Brown. #

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Hello!

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And a very happy Christmas to you.

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Or, if you're Jewish, happy Hanukkah.

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Or if you're a member of a cult...

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..the end is nigh!

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Oh, look, do you like my tree this year?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

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I know it looks odd - Buster got it in a closing-down sale.

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It's electric, look.

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MOTOR WHIRS

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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MOTOR POWERS DOWN

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It's what I dreamed of for Christmas -

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a nice tree with swinging balls.

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Oh, look at this now, a dirty nappy. Ugh.

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You just missed Maria - she was here with the babies.

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She dropped in.

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HE SNIFFS

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Urgh!

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I smell shit!

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Yes, you do.

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Well...

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I mean it, Grandad.

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You smell like something that lives in a pigsty.

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And you're like something that fell off the Welsh flag!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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SHE SIGHS He won't wash himself.

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Safest place to hide something from him is under the soap.

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I've cleaned the house four times today already.

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I'm trying to keep busy, keep my mind off Rory.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Hi, Agnes.

-Tea, Winnie?

-Oh, yes, please.

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Any news from the hospital?

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No, and it's been four hours.

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I think Rory is mad.

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I mean, he's a fine-looking fella.

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He wasn't happy with the Botox.

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Yeah, but plastic surgery, Agnes - that's going too far.

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-I hope it's not too radical.

-Oh...

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-Morning!

-Good morning, Cathy.

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Any news? Rory should be well out of surgery by now.

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Nothing yet.

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What's that banging?!

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There's no banging! Go back to sleep!

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Oh...

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What's wrong with Grandad?

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Dermot and Maria took him to a movie last night,

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some feckin' horror thing. Now he thinks the house is haunted

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by something that died and won't cross over.

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You're looking in the buckin' mirror!

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Ner...

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-Hey, Granny.

-Hello, Bono.

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Look at you, a little fairy.

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-I'm an elf.

-Oh, excuse me.

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Well, Mammy? Any news from the hospital yet?

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Nothing yet, and I'm worried.

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There's nothing to be worried about, Mammy.

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Plastic surgery is nothing nowadays.

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-I know someone who died of...

-MUFFLED:

-..that.

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Buster!

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-Do you want a cup of tea, love?

-Nah, Mammy.

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Just dropped in to give Grandad his Santa suit. Here, give it to him.

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-Our Santa's Grotto opens tomorrow.

-Oh.

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I'm on my way down to record a radio ad for it.

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Radio ad? Ah, you're getting very professional.

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-Are you doing it yourself?

-Yep.

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Well, what does the ad say?

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Drop into Finglas's own wonderland.

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See flying fairies and holly berries. Fairy dust!

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-Mirth is a must...

-Hold, hold it, hold it.

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No, no, son. I'm not feeling it.

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You need to do the actions, you know?

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You know, you can't just do that.

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-It's on the radio!

-HE LAUGHS

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Drop into Finglas's own wonderland!

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See flying fairies and holly berries.

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Fairy dust! Mirth is a must!

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Come be jolly among the holly.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Where's Bono?!

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Bono? He's here, Betty.

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Dermot Brown, have you gone mad?

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Taking him out of school to work in your grotto?

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Whoa-whoa! Relax, Betty - I was home-schooling him.

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Forget it!

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Bono, go out to the car.

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Oh...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Aww.

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Any news on Rory yet?

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No, and the audience thinks you're a bitch.

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LAUGHTER

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Fine. See yous later.

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Now we've no elf!

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He's just gone with the ice queen.

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I'd better go. We'll think of something, Buster.

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-My God, she can blow in and blow out.

-Hi!

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Oh, Dino. Hello, son.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Well, he's out of surgery

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and the doctors said everything went very well.

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Oh, mother of God, thank God.

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Now, he said he did have to push the cheekbones...

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..higher than expected...

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-MUTTERING: Higher than...?

-Mm-hm.

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-..adjust the ears a bit...

-What?!

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-NASALLY:

-..flatten the nose...

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NASALLY: Flatten the nose? Eh?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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..and plump up the chin.

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-Plump up the chin?

-Oh!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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But, other than that, he expects a full recovery.

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-Oh, thank God.

-Mm.

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Rory will be out and home tonight.

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CHEERING

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Home?

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Dino, why don't you bring Rory back here to stay for a few days?

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You know, I can keep an eye on him while you're at work.

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-Just till he gets better.

-That's a good idea, Mrs Brown.

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I think it is, yes.

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Right, I'm going back to the hospital.

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Rory's on a liquid diet for the next 24 hours,

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and he's dying for a grande salted-caramel mocha frappuccino with a shot.

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A coffee.

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-Well, buckin' say "coffee"!

-Oh!

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Here, I'll go back with you, Dino -

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I can drop in and see Rory on my way to work.

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Oh, Cathy, how did your computer date go last night?

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-It's tonight!

-Oh.

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-I hope he's as handsome as his profile picture.

-Ooh!

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-Here's Jake.

-Oh, Jake?

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He is handsome.

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-My God, Cathy, you could be on to a winner there.

-Maybe.

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THEY GIGGLE

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Oh, he's a looker all right, isn't he?

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Yeah, she's a looker, but, knowing her luck,

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Jake'll turn out to be a buckin' serial killer.

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-Or worse!

-Yeah, married.

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We'll see.

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Tea!

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I'm getting it.

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Love is blind.

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Well, nothing like marriage to straighten out your eyesight.

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Well, as they say...

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SHE SIGHS

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-LAUGHING:

-What do they say?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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They say... SHE WHISPERS

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Yes!

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Just relax, relax.

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We can get someone else.

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Yeah, knowing her luck, Jake will turn out to be a serial killer.

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Or worse!

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Yeah, married.

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You know what they say,

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just because a horse looks good doesn't make him a banjo player.

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No, Winnie! Nobody says that!

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-Do they not?

-No!

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-Here you go, Grandad.

-Ah.

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-God, that's an odd-looking tree.

-Yes.

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Buster got it for me in a closing-down sale.

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Er, what was closing down?

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-He didn't say.

-Oh.

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Here.

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MOTOR WHIRS

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Oh!

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Very nice!

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Get a selfie! Get a selfie!

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MOTOR POWERS DOWN

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What will they think of next?

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What's the coin slot for?

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I don't know, but Buster said, "Never put coins in the slot."

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DOORBELL RINGS

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I'll get that.

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Hello, Mrs Brown.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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WOLF WHISTLING

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Hello, Father.

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Come in, Father. Come in.

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CHEERING

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Winnie, what are you doing?

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Looking for coins.

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Ah, you have to put the coins in to see what happens.

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Winnie, stop it. I know it's tempting,

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but Buster said don't, so no.

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Is he here for the exorcism?

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No, he's here to rehearse your funeral.

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Oh!

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Pay no attention to him. What can I do for you, Father?

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I just popped in to see what time Trevor's flight gets in.

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-I was going to pick him up at the airport.

-Six o'clock.

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You're not going to go like that, are you?

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Oh, gosh, no. I'm just on my way back from the gym.

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Dropped in, you know?

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-Working out then, Father?

-Oh, yes.

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Look at those abs.

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CHEERING

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Seriously, Mrs Brown...

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..here, hit me.

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-Oh, no, Father.

-Go on!

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You don't want to do that, Father. No, no.

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-No, no, go on!

-Father, you don't want to do that, really. No, no.

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GO ON! HIT ME!

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APPLAUSE

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Right. Six o'clock it is, then.

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Six o'clock it is.

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-Hey, Winnie.

-What are you doing, Agnes? Making soup?

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No, Winnie, I'm mixing cement for Donald Trump's wall.

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APPLAUSE

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Well, you're great at that "DYI" stuff.

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Look whose home?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, Rory! You're home!

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Come in and I'll get you lying down comfortable, son.

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Oh, God love you, poor Rory.

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-Now, son, let your head down there.

-There we are, Rory.

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I have this, son!

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-Now...

-There we go.

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I have it!

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Right, then. I'll pop back to our place and get some clothes for Rory.

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-You do that.

-I'll not be long.

-Oh, take your time.

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Do you want your Yin-Yang cream?

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He has cream for his "Yin-Yang"?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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It's a conditioner.

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He puts conditioner on his "Yin-Yang"?!

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Shut up, Winnie!

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Rory, love, I'm making you some soup.

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Dino said you were on a liquid diet for 24 hours.

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I'll just get you some. Winnie, come on.

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HE GROANS

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HE YAWNS

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HIS GROANING INTENSIFIES

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-HE FARTS

-OH!

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Mummy! Mummy!

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I'm not your feckin' mummy!

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HE WHIMPERS

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-Winnie, keep an eye on Rory.

-Right.

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-LOUDLY AND CLEARLY:

-How...are...you...feeling...son?

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Win...nie!

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He...had...plastic...surgery!

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He didn't turn Chinese.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Winnie, here, take that.

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All right.

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Feckin' kids!

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Was that for me? Is it Jake?

0:12:020:12:04

No, it's nobody!

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WINNIE SIGHS

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I don't think he likes it, Agnes.

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Winnie, that's his eye.

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I'm sorry, son!

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Rory, I'll get you some water.

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DOORBELL

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-Winnie, get that door, will you, please?

-Right.

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Feck's sake.

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It's Cathy's date, Jake.

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Well, bring him in and sit him down, for God's sake.

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Right.

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Move the camera back.

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SHE SIGHS

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Right, I'm off.

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See you, Winnie, bye.

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Huh!

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DOOR SLAMS

0:12:580:12:59

Hello, Jake. I'm Cathy's mother, Agnes.

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Pleased to meet you, Mrs Brown.

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Pleased to meet you, son.

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I'll just tell her you're here.

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CATHY!

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JAKE IS HERE!

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Would you like a cup of tea, Jake?

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Yeah, yeah, thanks very much.

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Cathy is so excited about the date.

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So am I.

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Oh, good.

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Now, son, there you go.

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Thank you.

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Er... Sugar?

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Oh, I'll get it for you.

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No, no, no, I'll get it myself.

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Oh, good man.

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I'll just go and tell her that you're...you're...

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..that you've arrived.

0:13:580:13:59

Cathy, love, you look gorgeous.

0:14:030:14:05

Oh, thank you. So, what's he like?

0:14:050:14:08

He...

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He, he's very...

0:14:100:14:12

-Handsome?

-He's very handsome.

0:14:120:14:15

Does he look like he does in his picture?

0:14:150:14:17

Identical to his picture.

0:14:170:14:19

Cathy, they're...they're lovely high heels.

0:14:220:14:24

Would you not wear flat shoes?

0:14:240:14:27

Oh, no, Mammy, I like these.

0:14:270:14:29

Wear flat shoes, please.

0:14:290:14:30

CATHY SIGHS

0:14:300:14:31

He's not there!

0:14:330:14:35

Oh, he's there, all right.

0:14:360:14:38

Cathy, look, please wear the flat shoes.

0:14:380:14:40

-Please.

-I like these, Mammy.

0:14:400:14:43

MRS BROWN SIGHS

0:14:430:14:44

I think I hear my date!

0:14:440:14:46

Oh, you are beautiful!

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And you are...

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Jake.

0:15:030:15:04

He is Jake.

0:15:040:15:06

Jake.

0:15:060:15:08

Well, I thought a movie and then maybe a drink or two in Foley's

0:15:080:15:11

and then let's see what happens, eh?

0:15:110:15:13

L-L-Let's see what happens!

0:15:130:15:16

Sure!

0:15:180:15:20

No, hang on.

0:15:210:15:23

Mammy, you wanted me to do that thing tonight.

0:15:230:15:28

No.

0:15:280:15:29

Come on, Mammy, remember you said it was important

0:15:310:15:34

that I stayed in tonight for the...thing.

0:15:340:15:37

Oh...

0:15:370:15:39

..no.

0:15:390:15:40

Fine.

0:15:400:15:42

Goodnight, Mammy.

0:15:420:15:44

Goodnight.

0:15:440:15:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:15:480:15:49

He-he-he-he!

0:15:500:15:52

That's nice!

0:15:520:15:53

I couldn't get over the size of him.

0:15:570:15:59

Oh, he's a nice man.

0:15:590:16:01

And good goods come in small packages.

0:16:010:16:03

Well, if he was dating my Sharon, I'd be worried for her.

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If he was dating your Sharon, I'd be worried for him.

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Jaysus, if Sharon walked down the street with him, people would go,

0:16:130:16:16

"Oh, there's Sharon McGoogan...

0:16:160:16:17

"..with her lunch."

0:16:170:16:19

So, when the bandages come off, are you going to look like him?

0:16:230:16:28

Him?

0:16:310:16:33

What about him?

0:16:360:16:37

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:16:370:16:38

Whoo!

0:16:410:16:43

Here, Father Damien, is plastic surgery a sin?

0:16:430:16:46

Er...I don't know.

0:16:460:16:48

I know vanity is a sin.

0:16:480:16:50

Here, Trevor, look at those babies!

0:16:500:16:52

You done a great job, Marko, the grotto looks brilliant.

0:16:590:17:02

No probs, Dermot.

0:17:020:17:04

HE CHUCKLES

0:17:040:17:05

We still have no elf, though.

0:17:070:17:08

It can't be that hard to get someone.

0:17:080:17:10

All you need is somebody with pointy ears and an attitude.

0:17:100:17:13

You busy, Betty?

0:17:130:17:15

Feck off, you!

0:17:150:17:17

Here, did you see the local car wash has closed down?

0:17:190:17:22

God, and I thought that place was really busy.

0:17:220:17:24

Apparently somebody stole one of the machine's brushes.

0:17:240:17:27

Must have got clean away.

0:17:320:17:34

-Look at them all.

-SHE CHUCKLES

0:17:390:17:40

Old enough to drink!

0:17:400:17:42

Jesus, only seems like yesterday they were all babies.

0:17:420:17:45

Yeah.

0:17:450:17:47

My Sharon has really blossomed.

0:17:470:17:50

She'll be having sex soon.

0:17:510:17:53

What time is her break?

0:17:560:17:58

What can I get you, Cathy?

0:18:010:18:03

A Prosecco, please.

0:18:030:18:05

And what would YOU like?

0:18:050:18:06

My date will have...

0:18:100:18:12

A pint, please.

0:18:120:18:13

Right, a pint.

0:18:130:18:14

And a life jacket.

0:18:140:18:16

I'm sorry about that, Jake.

0:18:190:18:20

Ah, don't worry, I'm used to it.

0:18:200:18:22

Ah, God, look at Cathy, all grown up.

0:18:220:18:25

And on a little date.

0:18:250:18:27

Yeah...

0:18:270:18:28

..very little.

0:18:300:18:32

Time flies.

0:18:320:18:35

I remember being pregnant, sitting there, holding me bump,

0:18:350:18:40

all excited, waiting to see me little girl.

0:18:400:18:43

Well, you didn't know it was going to be a girl.

0:18:430:18:45

I did!

0:18:450:18:46

Winnie, there was no scans in our day.

0:18:460:18:48

I know! But I knew by the way we... you know.

0:18:480:18:51

What?

0:18:540:18:55

Well, at the conception, if he's on top, it's going to be a boy.

0:18:550:19:00

And if you're on top, it's going to be a girl.

0:19:000:19:03

Well, in that case, Cathy should be a puppy.

0:19:070:19:09

Does it hurt here?

0:19:150:19:17

Here?

0:19:170:19:19

In here?

0:19:190:19:21

Well, as far as I can tell, everything seems to be healed well.

0:19:230:19:26

So what now?

0:19:260:19:28

-Now it's time to remove the bandages.

-Oh, Jaysus!

0:19:280:19:31

TENSE DRUMBEAT

0:19:310:19:34

HE GASPS

0:19:410:19:43

Oh! Oh, you're so...beautiful!

0:19:430:19:47

Right, I'm off, then.

0:19:490:19:50

Is it sore, Rory?

0:19:530:19:55

No, it's not too bad.

0:19:550:19:56

Stunning!

0:19:560:19:57

Wow.

0:19:570:19:59

I'm sorry, but somebody has to say it. I don't see any difference.

0:20:010:20:04

Ah, no. There is a bit of change. See around here.

0:20:070:20:09

That's just swelling.

0:20:090:20:10

-It will go down.

-Oh!

0:20:100:20:11

I don't see it. Turn around, show Mammy.

0:20:130:20:15

Mammy, what do you think?

0:20:190:20:21

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:230:20:24

Well, what do you think, Mammy?

0:20:290:20:31

Who the fuck are you?

0:20:340:20:35

THEY LAUGH AND CHAT

0:20:400:20:42

I just told him straight out. I said, "We just don't fit."

0:20:420:20:46

But what could you do? I mean, you're so lanky.

0:20:460:20:48

Lanky?! It wasn't MY height.

0:20:510:20:52

-It was his.

-No, no. I know that. That's what I meant.

0:20:520:20:55

How did he take it? Did he go mad?

0:20:570:20:59

I was expecting him to be disappointed at least,

0:20:590:21:02

but, no, he just smiles and says,

0:21:020:21:03

"You don't know what you're missing."

0:21:030:21:06

-Did he storm out?

-No, he said he wanted to finish his pint.

0:21:080:21:11

So I said I had to go and just left him there.

0:21:110:21:13

DOOR OPENS

0:21:130:21:14

Are you right, Grandad?

0:21:140:21:16

-The kids are waiting for their Santa. Hiya, Mammy.

-Hello, Dermot.

0:21:160:21:20

Hello, Dermot.

0:21:200:21:21

Dermot, hello.

0:21:210:21:23

Hello.

0:21:260:21:27

-How are you, Rory?

-Oh, for feck's sake.

0:21:270:21:30

- Are you not picking up the boys? - Oh, God, yeah.

0:21:320:21:35

And I have a school run to do.

0:21:350:21:37

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:21:370:21:39

SHE SIGHS

0:21:390:21:41

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:21:510:21:53

DOOR OPENS

0:21:530:21:54

For God's sake.

0:21:540:21:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:570:21:58

-Hello, again, Jake.

-Sorry to bother you, Mrs Brown,

0:22:010:22:04

but did I leave my bag here yesterday?

0:22:040:22:06

Cathy, the jockey's back.

0:22:060:22:08

-I left my bag here yesterday.

-Oh, yeah, I saw it somewhere.

0:22:110:22:14

Hang on.

0:22:140:22:15

OK, Mammy. We're heading off with Grandad.

0:22:180:22:21

-Everything ready for the grotto?

-Just about.

0:22:210:22:24

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:280:22:29

All we need is an elf.

0:22:350:22:38

Don't even fuckin' think about it, pal!

0:22:450:22:47

Come on, Buster. Let's go.

0:22:500:22:51

Here you go. Did you come all the way back just for this?

0:22:550:22:58

-Erm...

-Did you get your bag, Jake?

0:22:580:23:00

Yeah.

0:23:040:23:05

-Sharon...

-You don't know what you missed.

0:23:070:23:09

Little jockey, big whip!

0:23:120:23:13

Sharon McGoogan, you come back here!

0:23:160:23:19

-Stop!

-Argh!

-What are you doing?

0:23:210:23:24

Coin slot. I want to see what it does.

0:23:240:23:26

You don't put anything in the slot.

0:23:260:23:28

And that's not a metaphor.

0:23:280:23:29

Buster said no coins in the slot.

0:23:340:23:36

-OK.

-Rory, love, why don't you go and lie down?

0:23:360:23:41

-I'll head back to work, eh?

-Fine.

-Bye, Mrs Brown.

0:23:410:23:45

Bye, Dingo.

0:23:450:23:46

-I'm going to lie down.

-I'll show you where your bed is.

0:23:510:23:55

I know where my bedroom is.

0:23:560:23:58

-Fine.

-Fine.

0:23:580:24:00

WHIRRING

0:24:260:24:28

Oh-ho!

0:24:280:24:30

HISSING AND GURGLING

0:24:360:24:40

-AUTOMATED VOICE:

-Drive your car forward. Drive your car forward.

0:24:420:24:46

Help! Argh! I can't reach me knob!

0:24:510:24:56

Cathy! Aargh!

0:25:000:25:03

-AUTOMATED VOICE:

-Stop your vehicle now.

0:25:030:25:05

For God's sake!

0:25:160:25:18

MAMMY GIBBERS

0:25:180:25:19

It's the ghost!

0:25:190:25:20

Grandad!

0:25:230:25:25

I usually don't mind change. I take to it well.

0:25:290:25:33

I remember when my Redser died. I realised I'd be on my own.

0:25:340:25:37

At the funeral the priest said to me, "This will pass.

0:25:390:25:42

"You'll meet someone else."

0:25:420:25:43

I said, "Yes, but what am I going to do tonight?"

0:25:430:25:45

I know I should just accept Rory's change and move on.

0:25:500:25:53

Rory's always been a bit weird.

0:25:540:25:56

There's a weirdo in every family.

0:25:580:26:01

And if you're sitting there at home

0:26:010:26:03

thinking, "Not mine," it's probably you.

0:26:030:26:05

-Hi, Mammy.

-Hello, New Rory.

0:26:100:26:14

-Are you coming down to Foley's for Christmas drinks?

-You go on.

0:26:140:26:17

-I'll follow you down.

-Are you OK, Mammy?

0:26:170:26:19

-No.

-What's wrong?

0:26:210:26:23

It's you. You're not yourself.

0:26:230:26:26

I miss my Rory.

0:26:260:26:27

Look, Mammy. I may have a different face. And a different voice.

0:26:280:26:33

And I'm two sizes smaller in my shoes.

0:26:350:26:37

But I'm still your Rory.

0:26:390:26:40

What was your favourite TV programme when you were a child?

0:26:420:26:44

Ah! Blue Peter.

0:26:440:26:46

Why were you only ever at the zoo once?

0:26:460:26:49

Cos seeing the animals in the cages, they made me cry.

0:26:490:26:51

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah!

0:26:510:26:53

You could have guessed those feckin' answers.

0:26:540:26:56

Say something.

0:26:580:26:59

Say something that will convince me that the

0:26:590:27:01

Rory I love is in there somewhere.

0:27:010:27:03

Hm.

0:27:060:27:07

I love you, Mammy.

0:27:070:27:09

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah!

0:27:110:27:12

I'll see you in Foley's.

0:27:130:27:15

APPLAUSE

0:27:150:27:16

That's my Rory.

0:27:250:27:27

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:270:27:28

You know, change is a funny thing. Every spring, the clock changes.

0:27:330:27:38

Every autumn, the trees change their leaves.

0:27:380:27:40

And every winter, Grandad changes his underwear.

0:27:400:27:43

We have a little ceremony to burn the old ones.

0:27:430:27:46

I suppose the main thing is that Rory is whomever he wants to be.

0:27:480:27:52

And that takes confidence. And confidence is very important.

0:27:520:27:57

He gets that from his mother.

0:27:590:28:00

I'll see you at Foley's.

0:28:020:28:04

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:040:28:05

SONG: Mistletoe And Wine

0:28:090:28:10

# The child is a king The carollers sing

0:28:100:28:15

# The old has passed There's a new beginning

0:28:150:28:20

# Dreams of Santa Dreams of snow

0:28:200:28:25

# Fingers numb Faces aglow

0:28:260:28:31

# It's Christmas time Mistletoe and wine

0:28:310:28:36

# Children singing Christian rhymes

0:28:370:28:42

# With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree

0:28:420:28:48

# A time to rejoice in the good that we see

0:28:480:28:52

# A time for giving A time for getting

0:28:530:28:58

# A time for forgiving and for forgetting

0:28:580:29:03

# Christmas is love Christmas is peace

0:29:030:29:09

# A time for hating and fighting to cease

0:29:090:29:14

# Christmas time Mistletoe and wine

0:29:140:29:19

# Children singing Christian rhymes

0:29:190:29:24

# With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree

0:29:240:29:30

# A time to rejoice in the good that we see

0:29:300:29:34

# With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree

0:29:360:29:41

# A time to rejoice in the good that we see. #

0:29:410:29:47

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:480:29:51

-Merry Christmas!

-Happy Christmas!

0:29:570:29:58

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