CSI: Mammy Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains some strong language

Heh-heh-heh-heh!

-ANNOUNCER:

-Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

-# She's Mrs Brown

-Agnes

-# That's Mrs Brown

-Agnes

# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

APPLAUSE

Oh, hello.

I just read in that that Neanderthal man wasn't erect for 300 years,

just like my Redser.

I see the ads for the...

these tablets you take and it says,

"If you get an erection for more than four hours, call the doctor."

If you're taking anything to get an erection for more than four hours,

CALL ME!

You don't know a good plumber, do you?

I'm trying to get a plumber.

I used to use the local fella, Uriah Mullan.

He went out of business when his wife found lipstick on his stopcock.

Tomango Red it was called, that's... Yeah, Tomango Red.

That's the kind of... The colour lipstick that, you know,

if you wear it, it looks beautiful,

but if you find it on your husband's collar,

it's the colour only a slut would wear.

-Oh, hello, boys.

-Heya, Mammy.

-Hello, son.

-Hi, Mammy.

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

Cup of tea, love?

No, Mammy. Just dropped in to see

if I can have me dinner here this evening.

Maria's down at Foley's getting ready for that thing tonight.

-Of course you can, and I'm doing your favourite.

-Oh.

Filet de poulet en croute.

Fuckin' chicken nuggets.

So who's the promotion for this week?

Oh, Hanley's Honey.

And what's the pitch?

Hanley's home hived honey,

hewn from homogenous horticulture by Hanley's own honey bees.

-BOTH:

-# Hanley happy honey bees

# Buzz buzz happy honey bees

# Buzzing through the flowers and trees... #

-Do you want honey?

-Oh, yes, please.

Hello, Bono. Hello, Mark.

Hiya, Ma. Oi, come on, yous two, buzz off.

First time we've heard that this week.

I heard that loads of times this week, Dermot.

-Any tea?

-Oh, yes, love, of course.

Where... Where's Betty?

Stopped at the shop on our way.

Are you all right, Bono?

You don't look happy.

I'm not. Your eldest son's a dumbass.

Son, you watch your mouth.

GIGGLING

Oh, hello. Hello, new Rory.

-Hi, Mammy.

-Hello, mother-in-law.

Do you want a cup of tea, love?

No, actually, I've come to see you, Rory.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sorry, he just explained that we've had all week to learn this,

but that was my fault.

Would you like a cup of tea, Rory?

No, I'm actually here to see you, Mark.

-Me?

-Yeah. Betty asked us to babysit tonight, but we can't.

Dino's booked a table at Chef Ali's for our first anniversary.

BOTH: Oooh!

Oh, Rory.

-Oh, Dino.

-Oh, Jesus.

-Will you tell her, Mark?

-Sure.

Looks like I'm baby-sitting, so.

Yippee, yahoo.

All right, see yous.

Er, Dino, that's a really nice thing you're doing. Well done.

Oh, it's nothing. I'd bend over backwards for Rory.

You watch your fuckin' language.

Where are you going?

Toi-let.

-Is everything all right, love?

-No.

I think me and Betty have made a big mistake.

I told you from the start, love, you married beneath yourself.

Me and Betty are very happily married.

And why wouldn't you be? She's a wonderful girl.

Best thing that ever happened to you.

I've always said that.

We are having a disagreement over Bono.

About what?

The school are having an under-13s disco next week

-and Bono wants to go.

-That'll be fun.

He's too young, Ma.

He's 12! When is he going to be old enough for an under-13 disco?

When he's 12 years, 11 months and three weeks?

That's what Betty says, but it's not just age, Ma,

he's not ready for discos yet.

He'll be fine. And Betty doesn't say that, Betty goes...

MRS BROWN MUMBLES

He'll be fine.

I can remember when you wouldn't let Rory go to an 18s disco.

That was different. He was 36.

Hello, Betty.

-Hiya. Where's Bono?

-He's in the toilet.

Are you going to Maria's thing tonight, Mrs Brown?

Well, everybody else is going. I might as well.

-Hiya, Winnie.

-Oh, how are you all?

-How are you, Mrs McGoogan?

-Oh, thanks, Mark.

Oh, Betty, are you and Mark going to this thing in Foley's tonight?

We are. Right, Bono, let's go.

-I'll be with yous now.

-Who cares?

Are you going to correct him?

Sure.

Bono, it's "whom cares", not who.

Imagine Maria setting up this vigilante gang.

It's a community crime watch group, not vigilante.

I'll see yous later.

-See you, love. Oh, Mark!

-Yeah?

Would you know a good plumber, love, for heating?

Mammy, I keep telling you, there's nothing wrong with your heating.

You have a cross draught. Just keep the kitchen door closed.

But if I close the door,

I can't see the sitting room and I can't see the front door.

OK, then, leave it with me. I'll fit a new door for you, all right?

Oh, thanks, love, you're very good.

Is your plumbing bad?

It's not too bad, but I want a new buckin' door.

-QUIETLY:

-Shit.

-NORMAL TONE:

-It's me, isn't it?

-It is you, yes.

-It is me?

-Yes, it is. Do you want me to tell you the line?

-Yeah.

Oh.

Mark! No, I've got it, I've got it.

I was going to fucking write it down for you.

Mark seems very touchy.

It's just stuff at home. You know, parents and their children.

Ah, don't talk to me.

Sharon won't go and see Dr Flynn.

Sharon? Why, what's wrong?

Well, the last two weeks she's complained about her back,

but she won't go and it's very sore.

-Her back is very sore?

-Mm.

-I'm not surprised.

She spends a lot of time on it.

-Well, she says it's just a pulled muscle.

-Oh.

She's always pulling muscles.

Yes, she is.

She says it's a waste of time going to the doctor.

Maybe she's right.

After all, who knows more about Sharon's body than Sharon?

Half the men in Finglas.

Now, as you all know, the church was vandalised last week.

They did a fair bit of damage, and that's just not on.

So Maria Brown here has suggested that we ask the Gardai

is there anything that we can do to assist them?

Thank you. Thank you all for coming tonight,

for crime, particularly lately, is on the rise.

We think there's just one man that's responsible,

but we don't have any leads.

Buzz, buzz.

Well, someone has to say it.

There's only two people in this bar that have been to prison.

Hey, Hannigan! Only one.

I've never been, and I'm not going back.

There'll be no finger pointing in here.

Garda, mention the Peeping Tom.

There's a good example.

Mrs Nicholson is being stalked by a Peeping Tom.

-Would you like to tell them, Mrs Nicholson?

-Oh, certainly.

At 2300 hours on December the 28th,

full moon, clear skies, barometric pressure...

Oh, just get on with it for fuck's sake, Rambo.

Mother, just tell the story.

-Fine. I came out of the shower...

-Naked?

No, Winnie, she was wearing a football jersey and oven gloves.

-What team?

-Shut up.

Yes, I was naked.

From the corner of my eye,

I thought I saw the figure of a man at the window.

I walked towards the window,

-I heard a bush rustling...

-Walk slower.

The person moved!

The plot thins.

Bravely, I went outside, and sure enough a man was there.

I don't have to tell you what he was doing.

Throwing up.

Let's get these people and beat the shit out of them.

SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT

No, no! This is not a vigilante group.

We don't want people thinking they're Gardai.

This is simply an awareness group.

-Exactly.

-So what do we do? Do we set up patrols?

Do we carry baseball bats?

SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT

Now that's exactly what you don't do.

Do not carry any weapons.

It's not a patrol as such, but I have organised a schedule

of, er, walkabouts - three, four people to a group.

Well, there is a certain way.

Oh, I have this, Guard.

Now, you might see something

and, in any case, our presence there will deter these vandals

and we might stop this unknown man.

If you do see something that doesn't look right...

Stick 'em like a pig.

-Call the police.

-Then stick 'em like a pig.

And the Gardai will also be putting up crime watch signs in your area.

What if we see a creepy-looking character?

Send him round to Hilary's house at 2300 hours.

You don't seem to be on board with this, Mrs Brown?

I'm torn.

A bicycle accident.

Your frou-frou.

Shut up.

On the one hand, I don't have a problem with we the proletariat

assisting the guardians of the state

with enforcing the legislation and the laws...

..but why can't we carry buckin' baseball bats?

QUIET!

Now if you'd like to sign up,

Maria will break you into groups and shifts.

Thank you.

-Let's just do it.

-Right, let's go.

-Are you not having another one?

-No, the baby-sitter has to go at 8

and Maria looks like she'll be here for a while.

Are you coming?

No, you go on, I'm going to have another one.

Sharon, do you have a minute?

-How's that now, Ma?

-Oh, Mark, that's beautiful.

Absolutely gorgeous.

It's lovely. Thank you, son.

Right, I have to go.

I've a new door, I've a new door!

Mind me good door!

-Very fancy.

-Yeah, and it's nicer when it's closed, thank you.

Well, excuse me.

How did the date go last night?

I don't want to talk about it.

OK.

Men - such liars.

-Was he a liar?

-I don't want to talk about it!

Fine.

What is dating supposed to be about? What, I ask?

I don't know, what?

A man takes a woman out because he wants sex.

If it wasn't for sex he'd go out with his mates.

Oh, but a woman can't mention that she feels the same

because we're not supposed to want it.

Oh, we're allowed to do it,

but not if we want it.

So we have to pretend we don't know they want it,

even though we're only there because we want it,

and if he says he wants it we have to pretend we don't do it

or we don't even know what it is!

-Do you want to talk about it?

-NO!

-Hi, Winnie.

-Ah, hiya, Cathy, love.

I need a man.

Well, don't look at me.

DOOR SLAMS

And certainly don't look at me.

What's wrong with her?

I don't want to talk about it.

-A new door, Agnes.

-Yeah.

-Oh, very nice.

-Well, you know.

You can see everything through that.

It's called glass.

You can see through this side too.

Don't wear it out, Winnie.

DOORBELL RINGS Winnie, get that door, will you?

It's probably the boys for the practice.

Oh, nice new door, Mrs Brown.

It's nothing.

Right, then, let's go through the handbook, shall we?

Rory and Dino, you two are going to be the protagonists...

Oh, be fair - let them be the Catholics.

The protagonists - the baddies.

Oh, the baddies.

For as long as I remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster.

-Come on, want to see my little friend?

-Dino!

Hey, baby! Don't touch the merchandise.

RORY SQUEALS

I'm not playing any more.

Rory!

Rory! Want me to kiss it better?

OK. Grandad?

-Huh?

-Come with me.

-Oh.

Now, why don't you sit over here?

Now, you are going to be a drunk man looking for a fight.

-Oh.

-Winnie, you go first.

-Oh.

-Oh.

-You're on patrol...

-Yeah.

..and you come across this drunk, abusive man. Go.

Right, OK.

# La-la la-la la la

# La-la la-la la la... #

Winnie! Winnie, you're Robocop, not buckin' Mary Poppins.

GRANDAD MUMBLES

It's a nice day, isn't it?

Piss off!

How was that?

For Christ's sake, let me at him.

Oh, no. Mother, your turn next.

OK, er, what does the handbook advise?

Oh, very good.

Very good.

Calmly approach and ask the subject to cease.

Mm...

You - I'll give you so many lefts, you'll be begging for a right.

Excuse me, sir. I would like you to cease this behaviour.

Very good.

Go away, you big ass nosy parker.

Uh-uh, thank you for playing.

Oh, Maria, tell me the truth - is it this dress?

-Get out of the way, let me at it.

-Oh, um...

My turn, my turn, my turn.

-If the subject does not stop...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-..or you fear for your safety...

-Yeah, yeah.

-..call the police.

-Yeah, blah-blah, blah-blah!

Come on, who wants to fight me?

I'll take yous all on.

Come on, who wants to fight?

Come on. Come on, I'll...

-ON RADIO:

-Hello, good afternoon and you're very welcome to Live Line.

Time to talk to Joe. Well, as you've just heard on the news headlines,

it's budget day today. How does it affect you?

Does it make your life any easier?

Phone or text us here on the Live Line and let us know.

We have a caller on the line, it's...

I'm sorry, is it Annie?

MRS BROWN ON RADIO: Hello?

I'm sorry, it's not Annie, it's anonymous.

I'll just call you Anon. Are you there?

-Hello?

-I'm here, I'm here, Anon. Well, what's on your mind?

-We're talking about the budget.

-I don't have a budgie.

All right, if you're not on about the budget, what is it?

Sex, Joe, I'm talking about sex.

Careful now, Anon, this is an afternoon show,

your personal needs are not up for discussion.

Oh, shit, it's not me. I have a dildo. No, it's...

It's my daughter, Joe. She needs a man.

Really? And what's stopping her?

Well, she's, I think she's frigid-ed...frigid-id, frigid...

She's very difficult, Joe. You see, Joe, my daughter, she's...

Oh, please, don't mention her real name.

Oh, of course not. Let's call her...

Kathy with a K.

Mammy?!

-Well, well, maybe all she needs is a bit of attention.

-Mammy!

I'll tell you what.

We here at Live Line will send her out a nice bouquet of flowers.

-Mammy!

-That might cheer her up.

You're very kind, Joe. That will definitely cheer her up.

-Send them to...

-No. No...

..Cathy Brown, 92 James Larkin Court, Finglas.

Jesus.

No.

Sorry, Grandad.

Get out.

Now!

Oh, hello.

-You.

-Me?

You announced to the nation that I can't get a man?!

I don't know what you're talking about.

You were on the radio talking to Joe Duffy.

What? I don't, listen, me on the rad... How...? This... Maybe.

Talking about my personal life.

I was talking about budgies.

DOORBELL RINGS

Delivery for Cathy Brown?

That's me.

Thank you.

DOORBELL RINGS

I believe you're looking for a man.

Get lost!

Nice scarf, Winnie.

Mm. Thanks, Agnes.

I got it in Guiney's today. They had a great sale on there.

-Oh, right.

-I saw a lovely dress that would really suit you.

But they didn't have it in an extra... Your size.

Hi, Mrs McGoogan. Hello, Mrs Brown.

You two will be on the second shift patrol today.

I hope you're not drinking too much.

Er, who's our third?

-Oh, my mother.

-Hilary?

-Yeah.

That's nice.

She'll call over to yours later.

I can't wait.

Here, come on, Winnie. We'd better go and get ready for this patrol.

I'm a bit nervous, Agnes.

Out on the streets in the dark,

we might get attacked by a wild animal.

Winnie, you're in Finglas, not Africa.

You're hardly going to meet a ten-foot snake.

Ten-foot snake!

SHE SCOFFS

Snakes don't have feet.

I was getting me hair done when it came on the radio.

I have to be honest, Cathy, when she said your name, I laughed.

It's not funny.

I've been answering the door all day

to the biggest collection of weirdos.

Here, Buster called five times.

Oh, here, look, I'd better go over to yours,

get your mother's patrol under way. Are yous coming?

You go on, we'll follow you down.

OK.

Do you know what? Maybe I should go.

Ah, you'll have another one. Sharon, two more.

GROANING

Mrs Brown, are you ready?

Winnie, come on!

What the hell?

We are ready to fight crime.

You can't go on patrol dressed as Bananaman.

And who are you supposed to be?

I think I'm a banana.

Well, I'm glad my mother is going with you two.

She might bring a bit of sanity to it all.

I'm here!

Mother, have you gone mad?

Mm?

You're not Charlie's Angels.

Go and change and put on something warm.

Now.

Hey, love. Has Mammy gone on patrol yet?

No. The Avengers are in getting changed.

Listen, don't let them go out.

-Why?

-Buster has an idea.

-Listen, Cathy, do me a favour, will you?

-Yeah, if I can.

I'm going straight to a club tonight,

so I won't get to the night safe.

Will you bring that back to your house

-and I'll get it off you in the morning?

-Sure.

Are we right, people? Have yous no homes to go to?

Goodnight.

KEYS JANGLE

DOOR UNLOCKS

EERIE MUSIC

ALL: Surprise!

# For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# And so say all of us. #

CHEERING

-What's going on here?

-Has there been a crime committed?

Not at all, this is a going away party for Hannigan here.

He's leaving Finglas, isn't that right?

Er, yes, I am.

And you're not coming back, am I right?

No, never.

Well, let's get the party started.

Not you. You'd better hurry up or you'll miss your flight.

Move.

Jog on the spot for me, Grandad.

OK, stop. Can you touch your toes?

I can't even touch me willy.

Winnie, mind me door, don't scratch the feckin' door.

Oh, hello, Dr Flynn.

Oh, hello, Mrs Brown.

Er, I've had a good look at Grandad and as far as I can see...

Is he dying?

-No.

-Not interested.

Ah.

Don't mind her, Dr Flynn. What's the news?

I don't think he's taking his medication at night.

Leave it with me, Dr Flynn, I'll make sure.

And what about you?

Me? What do you mean?

I believe you might be, um...

..available?

-Seriously?

-I'm sorry. I have to go.

Bye!

Oh, that's my little girl.

Yes, I am. But you'd better take your tablets.

DOORBELL RINGS

More men?

Leave this to me, Cathy.

Well, hello, boys.

I'm Cathy Brown.

Just going for a lie down.

Thanks, Grandad.

Close the door, please. Gently.

Thank you.

Who was that at the front door?

I think that might've been the last of any men callers.

-Hiya, Mammy.

-Hello, Dermot.

-Would you like a cup of tea, son?

-No, Mammy.

I just dropped around to say great job last night.

Hannigan won't show his face in Finglas again.

No, son, great job, you, last night.

Well, actually, it was Buster's idea.

Well, it was a great idea, Buster. Well done.

-Tell her about my other idea.

-No.

Just go, go.

Wait, wait. Wait, wait. Wait, no, wait, no, don't go yet.

Don't go yet. No, no, no, no, no.

Get back in there, bees. Cathy, watch this. Do it.

-We did it, Ma.

-Do the song.

Hang on.

BOTH: # Hanley happy honey bees

# Buzz buzz happy honey bees

# Buzzing through the flowers and trees

-# Do you want honey? #

-Oh, yes, please.

-Are you OK in there, Bono?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, do they fit?

I think so.

-Hello, Betty.

-Hiya.

I hope he was no trouble for you, Mrs Brown.

Are you kidding me? I'd mind him all day every day.

Bono, your mammy and daddy are here.

Oooh.

Look at you.

I know. Granny bought it for me at the sales.

You're very good, Mammy. Thanks.

Well, I wanted him to look well, you know, for his first disco.

-Disco?

-Yes.

Remember, you said you were going to drop him off at the disco tonight

and pick him up at the disco.

Did you, Daddy? Did you really say I could go to the disco?

Of course. You can't miss the first disco in the school.

Thanks, Dad.

But I will be picking you up.

But, Dad...

..what if I get lucky?

Get out to the car, you.

-Thanks, Mammy.

-Oh, it's no trouble.

But don't do it again.

It's so hard not to interfere.

You know, when you're... When you have your babies,

you're an apprentice mother with apprentice children.

And then as soon as you get to know the job,

they feck off and marry someone else.

That's why we make wonderful grandparents -

cos we know the job.

You remember when you had your first child and if they got a splinter,

straight down to emergency.

The second child,

if he came in with a stake through his heart, put a plaster on it.

No, I am never interfering in my family's life again.

Goodnight, Mammy!

Except for her.

Grandad, did you take your tablets?

-No.

-Where are they?

In the drawer beside the sink.

Jesus!

You bastard!

That's not feckin' funny. Where are they?

Behind the toaster, I think.

Oh, jeez, that was close.

Now number three.

Jesus, what's that? A spider!

A feckin' spid... A spider!

Grandad, it's a spider! It's a spider!

Look at me feckin' door!

Payback!

Goodnight!

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all

# She wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# A sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

-# She's Mrs Brown

-Agnes

-# That's Mrs Brown

-Agnes

# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

Heh-heh-heh-heh!