Mammy's Merchandise Mrs Brown's Boys


Mammy's Merchandise

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Ladies and gentlemen...

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welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

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# She's Mrs Brown

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# That's Mrs Brown

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# Our Mrs Brown. #

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So go on...

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Jacko says to the policeman "I couldn't have been doing more

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"than 40, and, actually, after the crossing we had to slow down.

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"We were only doing about 30".

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I'd say we were only doing 20.

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Jesus, hold on there, Winnie, before you feckin' reverse into somebody.

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Jaysus, that beer's gone through me like the Eurostar.

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I'm going to have to go to the toilet.

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Hello!

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You just missed one of Winnie's Jacko stories.

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She has millions of them and they're all about Jacko.

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Of course, they've been married years.

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-PHONE RINGS

-Hello? Cathy!

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Cathy, get that telephone!

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-Ah, Mammy, the phone is portable!

-Well, I'm not buckin' portable.

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Now get the phone.

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OK, Mammy.

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You know, I've heard Winnie's stories, oh,

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a hundred times, but I listen every time like it's the first time.

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That's what friends do, isn't it?

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-Did I tell you that Jacko wants to get a dog?

-No.

-Yeah, a Labrador.

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Oh, Jesus don't let him get a Labrador, half the people who get them go feckin' blind!

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-Really?

-Yes!

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-Winnie, it's your Sharon on the phone.

-What the hell does she want?

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-You can't even go round the feckin' corner.

-Mammy!

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-What?

-It's Mr McGoogan.

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-Jacko?

-He's collapsed. He's been taken into hospital.

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Oh, sweet little Jesus Christ, Mother Mary, Joseph and the donkey that took them all to Bethlehem!

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I've got to go to hospital, Agnes. It's Jacko's gone in with chest pains.

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Cathy told me. You're not going on your own, Winnie, I'll go with you.

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Mammy, I'll go over and stay with Sharon. She's very upset.

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Winnie, you don't be worrying. These things often turn out to be worse than they look!

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Hello? Hello?

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SHE SPITS

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DOOR CLOSES

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Ah, hello. It's a little chipmunk!

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Squirrel, Mammy, squirrel!

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-So what are you promoting this week?

-Chocolate bars.

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What has a hazelnut in every bite?

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Squirrel shit! What's all this, love?

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Post and more stuff you bought off the telly.

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Me Shake Weight and me bikini-wax treatment.

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And me hair teaser!

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I wish you'd stop buying that crap off the TV, Ma.

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Crap? Dermot, this is first-class merchandise.

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And not available in the shops.

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-Do you want a cup of tea, love?

-Love one!

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Come on, nibble on me arse!

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-It's been a busy morning.

-Well, love, you know,

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you have to gather your nuts!

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Nah, running around trying to get things done for the wedding,

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getting Buster measured for his best man's suit.

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Buster?

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Buster's going to be your best man?

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-Yeah.

-Buster Brady, that fecker?

-Yes!

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I thought you might have picked Mark.

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I'd love to see my two sons on the altar.

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-Well, I wasn't best man at his wedding.

-You were in prison, love.

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Still...I'd like Buster.

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Well, think about Mark.

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Tell me this.

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Have you consulted with Maria on this 'Buster' decision?

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Nah! The bride picks the bridesmaids, the groom picks the best man. She won't mind.

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He's me best friend, Mammy.

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I'm sure you're right.

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-Morning!

-Want a cup of tea, love?

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No, thanks. How's Winnie today?

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Winnie's putting on a brave face, but she's worried, I can tell.

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Jacko needs a bypass. Of his heart.

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Doctors said he could be waiting a while...

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five or six weeks, maybe a month.

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If she went private she could have it tomorrow but Winnie hasn't got that kind of money.

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-That's disgraceful!

-Ah, that's the way of the world, love.

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One law for the poor and one law for the rest of us.

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But who knows? Maybe me or Winnie will win the jackpot at the bingo

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and then Jacko can have his operation tomorrow.

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Or you might win the lottery!

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Now don't start me off, Cathy.

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If we win the lottery, you can forget about the operation. We're gettin' two new fuckin' men.

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-I'll see you later, Mammy.

-Good luck.

-You should get back to work as well.

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I'm sure there's a few trees you haven't been up!

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Nah, I'm hanging on. Buster wants a chat so I told him to call up here.

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Don't look at me like that. I've gone straight!

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Hello, Mrs Brown.

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You, don't keep him too long. He has a job to go to.

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-I won't.

-Don't!

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Dermot, I'm going up to make your bed.

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Will you stop stuffing them dirty magazines under your mattress!

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It's nearly four-foot thick at this stage.

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I only buy them for the articles.

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I only go to the supermarket for the music! And you...

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I'm keeping an eye on you...

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the good one!

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Jaysus, why's your ma giving me such a hard time?

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She thinks you want to drag me into a scam of some sort.

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Give a dog a bad name, what?

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-So, what do ya want me for?

-I've a brilliant scam, Dermot!

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Buster, are you mad? I've gone straight.

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Just take a look, Dermot. It's a doddle!

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A raffle for the boxing club?

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One euro a ticket, I put on the tickets "5,000 euro first prize".

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I tell the people that if they win, I'll call them. Then nobody wins...

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except us! It's foolproof!

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-Not bad, Buster!

-Now I only got a hundred tickets printed just to try it out and Dermot...

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I sold them all in an hour!

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I made eighty euro!

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-That's only eighty tickets.

-I know, yeah. Well, l I bought two books meself.

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5,000 euro, Dermot, it's not to be bleedin' sneezed at!

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-But...there's no raffle.

-Ah, shite, yeah!

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Tease the hair.

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Tease the feckin' hair.

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Neh, neh, neh.

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How much did it cost to get the tickets printed?

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90 euro.

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So you lost ten euro!

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Ah, this is a bleedin' rip off!

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I could do a few bob with this wedding coming up.

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First of all we need to get more tickets printed.

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-More tickets!

-Thousands!

-Hundreds!

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Then we need to make it something they've never heard of, a club or something.

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The Dublin Home For Bewildered Greyhounds And Whippets.

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Nice one. Leave it with me. I'd better get back to work.

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Jacko's just lying there.

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He's not moving a muscle.

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It's a heart attack. He's hardly going to doing the buckin' samba!

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Jesus, Winnie, he's not dead yet!

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You have to take a more positive outlook on this.

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Start to look for the most positive outcome.

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-Yeah.

-Jacko's a fighter. He'll be fine.

-How's Jacko?

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-He's fucked.

-What?

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I'm only joking, Winnie.

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MOUTHS

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-Maria!

-Hiya.

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Hello, love. What has you here?

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I looked in on Jacko before I left the hospital.

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He's sitting up and he's starting to get colour back in his face.

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-He looked good.

-Ah, they always get a lift just before the end.

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Mammy!

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I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

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Sorry, are we keeping you? Have you to go and meet your invisible boyfriend?

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-I'd like to meet him.

-We all would.

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I'll never forget the night I met your father, and don't think I haven't fucking tried.

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-That was at a party.

-Sadie Brady's birthday.

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-Right, Winnie. Oh, now Sadie Brady...

-BOTH: Slapper.

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It didn't take long for her private parts to go public.

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Her knickers were busier than the escalator in Marks & Spencer's.

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Up, down, up, down.

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God, we arrived that night dressed to the nines.

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We looked fantastic. Well, I did.

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We knocked at a door, we went in. I never forget. What was it like?

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The place was hopping, smoke everywhere, flashing lights.

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We were there three minutes before we realised it was on fecking fire.

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I looked across the room and there he was.

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Your father, Redser Brown. He was standing in a corner on his own.

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-He was shy?

-No, he was getting sick.

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He arrived at the party drunk and somebody said, "What will you have to drink?"

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He said, "Give me a pint of anything."

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They gave him bucking Windolene.

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-What?

-Do you know, there was a sparkle off his shite for two weeks after that.

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And it didn't smear!

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Oh, God.

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I took him home that night. Oh, yes, I brought him home.

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It was lovely. His head was just here on my shoulder.

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And I carried his legs.

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-Listen, never mind me. You married well.

-I did.

-She did.

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-You should see the penis on her Jacko.

-Agnes Brown!

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We used to go skinny dipping on Portmarnock beach.

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We all lying there and Jacko would come walking along the beach,

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dragging a big groove in the sand behind him.

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Running into the water with his surf board under his arm and his penis under the other arm.

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-It was love at first sight.

-Ah.

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What about your husband, Mrs Brown?

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-What do you mean, Betty?

-Well, when did you realise you loved him?

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Oh, Jesus. Love?

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Five or six months after he died.

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Your father was best man at our wedding.

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-Really?

-Yeah.

-And Jacko was our best man.

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And that's the way it was.

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Just like Dermot and Buster.

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I'm sorry?

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Dermot, he's having Buster as his best man, apparently.

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Buster, I'm telling you, if the dog sees you playing with her ball she'll go mad.

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6,235 euro.

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Well, at least that's the prize money covered.

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Buster there is NO raffle.

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You bought more tickets, didn't you?

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What do yeah take me for?

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Yeah, two books.

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I'll give you your money back.

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No. It's all right. I'll take my chances.

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BELL RINGS

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That's my boyfriend, Dermot. Would you let him in?

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-Hiya.

-He's here.

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OK. I'll be down in a minute.

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All right?

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So you're the boyfriend?

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I am, yeah.

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I can put this whole ball in me mouth. Watch.

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Shut up, Buster.

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Howyeh? I'm Cathy's brother, Dermot.

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-Oh, hello, Dermot.

-What's the name?

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-My name is Michael.

-Michael.

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But the lads at the station call me Mick.

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-Station? Are you a fireman?

-I'm a detective.

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I'm off, Cathy.

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What was that all about?

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I have absolutely no idea.

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-Oh!

-You look great.

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Thanks.

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-Hello!

-We were just going.

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Well, hold your buckin' horses now.

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So, this is Slick Mick the Dick?

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This is Mick.

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-This is me soon-to-be sister-in-law, Maria.

-Hi.

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-Hello.

-And this is Mammy.

-Very nice to meet you.

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Oh, don't try your fancy talk on me, son.

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Do you know that multiple births run in our family?

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Yes, I had twins and my sister had twins.

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-Right, Mick, come on.

-We used to call her Machine Gun Fanny.

-Just go, Mick.

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I'm only telling you that for your own sake, love,

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in case you're thinking of getting your leg over her.

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You'll be up to your neck in kids.

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He seems like a nice chap.

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Tea, Maria? Tia Maria!

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So, Maria, how are you feeling with the wedding so close?

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-Actually, I'm a bit nervous.

-I was too. Nervous of the unknown.

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Ha-ha!

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But I can give you a heads-up. About a week after the honeymoon, he'll start looking for S-E-K-S.

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-A week?

-Yes, a week. They rush at it.

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Don't fall into the trap.

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It starts the whole thing and then he wants to play games.

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Charge of the Light Brigade was the one I hated.

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He'd start one side of the room, naked, and I'd stand the other and he'd go, "Charge!"

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I missed him one night. He went out the feckin' window!

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If you'd have seen my face stuck on that door knob.

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What you need to do is you need to know the signals.

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-Signals?

-Signals. My favourite position in bed was back-to-back.

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The signal for that is poke, poke. Poke, poke, poke. Poke, boy.

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It's like having Ken Doherty behind you with no chalk on his cue.

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Mrs Brown, really, you don't have to.

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No, you need to know this, love. The other signal is not bad.

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It's when he starts brushing his teeth and gargling in the bathroom.

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He's preparing himself. Ha-ha!

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-I only have to hear...

-GARGLES

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-..and my nip...

-No, really, I understand.

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Oh, OK. Hello, love.

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Hiya.

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Would you like a cup of tea, love?

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Er, I don't know, Ma.

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Are you going to hang on?

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So, Dermot, have you decided who your best man is going to be yet?

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-Cocoa, cocoa?

-Yet?

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There was never any doubt about who would be best man - my best friend.

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-Buster Brady?

-Is right.

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Buster Brady is not going to be best man at my wedding.

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Horlicks will calm everybody down.

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Well, that's funny, because he is going to be best man at mine, so I must be marrying someone else.

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Do, then.

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I can do it in a take-away cup.

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Maria! DOOR SLAMS

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-As Forrest Gump's mother would say, there's an awful smell of shrimp off that.

-What?

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Her in the film Brokeback Mountain.

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-Never mind.

-Run, Forrest, run.

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I love Tom Selleck.

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Seven-letter word meaning constipation.

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Starting in N and ending in N.

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Ah! Nnnnnnn.

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Hello, Winnie.

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-How are you, pet?

-What brings you over?

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Just sitting over there on my own, worrying.

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When you're sitting on your own there's two things you don't want, and one is worry.

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The other is feckin' Panorama.

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Anyway, maybe one of us will win the jackpot at the bingo then Jacko can have his operation in the morning.

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-Or the raffle.

-What fuckin' raffle?

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The Dublin Home For Bewildered Greyhounds And Whippets.

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5,000 euro first prize, Agnes.

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I bought ten books.

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Winnie, you feckin' eejit.

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Half them things are a scam.

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I had a fella here at Christmas knocked at the door.

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Would I buy a ticket for a raffle for orphans?

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With my luck I'd fuckin' win one.

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What you need is something to take your mind off the whole hospital thing.

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And I have just the feckin' thing.

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-What?

-Come on. Wait till you see this.

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You can help me with my bikini wax thing.

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You'd better do that upstairs in the bathroom.

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No, no, Cathy is going to have a bath. No, we'll do it here.

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Agnes, you can't do it here.

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Someone might walk in on you.

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You're right. I'd look feckin' stupid.

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-I've an idea.

-What?

-We'll do it in the cupboard.

-Feck off, Agnes.

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Come on, Winnie, get into the cupboard. For God's sake.

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It's only for the craic.

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It's dark in here.

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-Jesus, Winnie!

-What?

-I've no feeling in me left leg.

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That's MY leg, Agnes!

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This is feckin' ridiculous.

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Hold on, I've an idea.

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You take the instructions and go out and read them out to me.

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-Oh, that's better.

-In the light. OK, love?

-Are you ready, pet?

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I'm ready whenever you are.

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"Expose the relevant area."

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What the feck does that mean?

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Get your knickers down.

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Ha-ha! No sooner said than done.

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OK, go ahead, Winnie.

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"Open the container and spread the cold wax using the spatula."

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Oh, the smell!

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-Is the cold wax smelly?

-I can't get the feckin' thing open.

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Hold on, I have it.

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I have it. All right.

0:19:570:19:59

Jesus, it's freezing.

0:19:590:20:02

OK, Winnie, I'm spread.

0:20:020:20:04

"Remove the backing from the sticky tape and apply it firmly to the area."

0:20:060:20:12

SHE REMOVES THE BACKING

0:20:120:20:15

Jesus, now I'm trying to go around feckin' corners here.

0:20:150:20:19

Argh, it's stuck to me arse!

0:20:190:20:23

-Are you all right, Agnes?

-Hold on, hold on.

0:20:230:20:27

OK, I have it. OK, now what?

0:20:270:20:29

Now wait for three minutes and pull the tape off briskly.

0:20:290:20:34

That means fast. Yank it off.

0:20:340:20:37

Winnie, I can't see me feckin' watch.

0:20:370:20:39

-Well, count to 180.

-OK.

0:20:390:20:42

-(QUICKLY)

-One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

-PHONE RINGS

0:20:420:20:47

Hello, Mrs McGoogan.

0:20:470:20:50

Dermot's not here, pet. Come back later, love.

0:20:500:20:52

I'm just leaving this here for him. He told me to put it in the cupboard.

0:20:520:20:55

No, no! Put it in the kitchen, pet.

0:20:550:20:57

Go on, put it in the kitchen.

0:20:570:20:59

-It's Buster.

-Close the door. You're blowing the arse off me!

0:21:020:21:04

-Hiya, Winnie. Who was that at the door?

-It was me.

0:21:070:21:09

Are you delighted to see me?

0:21:090:21:11

Oh, piss off, Buster.

0:21:110:21:13

-Winnie, where's Mammy?

-She's not here, love.

-73, 74, 75...

0:21:140:21:18

She is. She's in there.

0:21:180:21:20

-No, she's not.

-120...

-She was, but she not.

0:21:200:21:24

-154...155...

-That sounds like her voice.

0:21:240:21:27

It's not. Shut up, you.

0:21:270:21:29

Winnie, where is she?

0:21:290:21:31

178, 179, 180.

0:21:310:21:36

RIPPING

0:21:360:21:38

SCREAMING

0:21:390:21:43

Are you all right, Mammy?

0:22:250:22:29

No. I feel like there's a hedgehog living in my knickers.

0:22:310:22:34

Hello, Winnie. Go on in. I'll follow you in.

0:22:440:22:48

Little bastards.

0:22:560:22:58

-What's all this about?

-PHONE RINGS

0:23:080:23:11

You're about to see.

0:23:110:23:13

-Maria, thanks for coming over.

-What's going on?

-That's exactly what I was saying.

0:23:190:23:23

-What's wrong? Is Jacko all right?

-Oh, Winnie, shut up.

0:23:230:23:26

Not every bit of drama in this series is about Jacko.

0:23:260:23:29

Sorry.

0:23:290:23:30

Maria, I want nothing more than to make you happy.

0:23:300:23:34

I've asked Mark to be my best man

0:23:340:23:37

-and he's agreed to do it.

-Yep.

0:23:370:23:40

-I'm proud to do it.

-He'll be great at it as well.

0:23:400:23:42

I've spoken to Buster and he has no problem with it.

0:23:420:23:46

Well, what I said...

0:23:460:23:48

Oh, Dermot, that's fantastic.

0:23:480:23:51

No, no, hold on a minute.

0:23:510:23:53

No, it's not fantastic. Now just hold on there.

0:23:530:23:57

Maria, I know you don't have the highest opinion of this little shit.

0:23:570:24:00

When you told your family that you were marrying my son, what was it your cousin Bethany said?

0:24:030:24:07

She said,

0:24:070:24:09

"You're not marrying that scumbag, are you?"

0:24:090:24:11

Exactly.

0:24:110:24:13

And tell me, Maria, on the day of the wedding what will that cat-faced little bitch be doing?

0:24:130:24:18

She's my bridesmaid.

0:24:180:24:20

-But she's my only cousin.

-Fine.

0:24:200:24:22

That's your choice, that makes it fine.

0:24:220:24:23

Well, Dermot and Buster have been best friends since their arses were the size of shirt buttons.

0:24:230:24:28

Best friends, Maria. That has to count for something.

0:24:310:24:34

If you're lucky, you'll marry your best friend, just like Winnie did,

0:24:340:24:38

and that's more important than all the lovey-dovey stuff. So here's the deal.

0:24:380:24:41

If you've any sense of loyalty about you at all,

0:24:410:24:44

you'll simply ask Dermot who he'd like to have by his side

0:24:440:24:50

to witness the most important decision of his life.

0:24:500:24:53

Your mother's right, Dermot. I'm sorry.

0:24:560:25:00

Who would you like as your best man?

0:25:000:25:02

Mark...

0:25:050:25:06

I'm sorry.

0:25:060:25:08

Buster...

0:25:100:25:12

..will you be my best man?

0:25:170:25:19

I do.

0:25:190:25:21

If you even dream about it, you'll wake up and apologise!

0:25:240:25:29

-Well, that's that, then.

-No, that's not that then. There's more thats to that now.

0:25:290:25:35

Winnie McGoogan, my dearest friend.

0:25:350:25:38

-Winnie, we've been together through thick and thin.

-We have.

0:25:380:25:42

I was always thin.

0:25:420:25:44

Winnie, when my Redser lost his job and we had no money, you were there by my side.

0:25:460:25:51

-I was.

-And when Redser went in to have his left leg removed,

0:25:510:25:55

-you were there by my side.

-True.

0:25:550:25:57

And when they took away his right leg,

0:25:570:26:00

you were there right beside me.

0:26:000:26:02

-Yes.

-And the night Redser died,

0:26:020:26:04

-where were you? Tell them.

-By your side, Agnes.

0:26:040:26:08

By my side.

0:26:080:26:10

Winnie, you're a fuckin' jinx.

0:26:100:26:12

But you're my best friend.

0:26:200:26:22

Now, tell me, Winnie, if Jacko had his operation in the morning, how much would it cost?

0:26:220:26:26

Jesus, Agnes, it's a lot more than I could afford.

0:26:260:26:29

Well, this could be your lucky day.

0:26:290:26:31

-Why?

-Dermot's found out the result of the raffle.

-(Oh, Jesus.)

0:26:310:26:35

I have?

0:26:350:26:37

Yes, you have, Mr Dublin Greyhound and WHIPPETS!

0:26:370:26:40

So come on, son, announce the result.

0:26:420:26:45

-Oh, yeah, the raffle.

-Yes, the in-the-kitchen-in-the-red-box raffle.

0:26:450:26:48

-The result is...

-Hang on a minute. Let me get my tickets out.

0:26:480:26:52

Fire away, Dermot.

0:27:010:27:02

The winner of the 5,000 euro...

0:27:020:27:05

-And the 1,000 euro bonus.

-What!

0:27:050:27:08

..and the 1,000 euro bonus is Winnie McGoogan.

0:27:110:27:15

You see, Winnie, I told you.

0:27:180:27:20

-Everything works out just the way it was supposed to.

-Yes.

0:27:200:27:22

-You can buy us all a drink.

-I will.

-Let's all get down to Foleys and get this feckin' party started.

0:27:220:27:27

-# When I wake up

-When I wake up

0:27:270:27:29

# I know I'm going to be

0:27:290:27:31

# I'm going to be the man who wakes up next to you

0:27:310:27:34

# And when I go out

0:27:340:27:36

-# I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be... #

-I'll follow yous down.

0:27:360:27:41

Go on.

0:27:410:27:42

Agnes.

0:27:500:27:51

Jesus Christ, Winnie.

0:27:550:27:57

-You know you were saying about us two marrying our best friends?

-Yes?

0:27:570:28:03

Well, I didn't marry my best friend.

0:28:030:28:06

I moved in beside her.

0:28:060:28:09

I wonder who that fecking was.

0:28:150:28:16

Goodnight, friends.

0:28:200:28:22

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

0:28:240:28:30

# As the best mum of all She wears the crown

0:28:300:28:36

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

0:28:360:28:39

# A sassy old lady full of tricks

0:28:390:28:42

# It's a safe bet She'd never let life get her down

0:28:420:28:48

# She's Mrs Brown

0:28:480:28:51

# That's Mrs Brown

0:28:510:28:54

# Our Mrs Brown. #

0:28:540:28:56

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0:28:560:28:58

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0:28:580:29:01

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