Mammy's Merchandise Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains some strong language

Ladies and gentlemen...

welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #

So go on...

Jacko says to the policeman "I couldn't have been doing more

"than 40, and, actually, after the crossing we had to slow down.

"We were only doing about 30".

I'd say we were only doing 20.

Jesus, hold on there, Winnie, before you feckin' reverse into somebody.

Jaysus, that beer's gone through me like the Eurostar.

I'm going to have to go to the toilet.

Hello!

You just missed one of Winnie's Jacko stories.

She has millions of them and they're all about Jacko.

Of course, they've been married years.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello? Cathy!

Cathy, get that telephone!

-Ah, Mammy, the phone is portable!

-Well, I'm not buckin' portable.

Now get the phone.

OK, Mammy.

You know, I've heard Winnie's stories, oh,

a hundred times, but I listen every time like it's the first time.

That's what friends do, isn't it?

-Did I tell you that Jacko wants to get a dog?

-No.

-Yeah, a Labrador.

Oh, Jesus don't let him get a Labrador, half the people who get them go feckin' blind!

-Really?

-Yes!

-Winnie, it's your Sharon on the phone.

-What the hell does she want?

-You can't even go round the feckin' corner.

-Mammy!

-What?

-It's Mr McGoogan.

-Jacko?

-He's collapsed. He's been taken into hospital.

Oh, sweet little Jesus Christ, Mother Mary, Joseph and the donkey that took them all to Bethlehem!

I've got to go to hospital, Agnes. It's Jacko's gone in with chest pains.

Cathy told me. You're not going on your own, Winnie, I'll go with you.

Mammy, I'll go over and stay with Sharon. She's very upset.

Winnie, you don't be worrying. These things often turn out to be worse than they look!

Hello? Hello?

SHE SPITS

DOOR CLOSES

Ah, hello. It's a little chipmunk!

Squirrel, Mammy, squirrel!

-So what are you promoting this week?

-Chocolate bars.

What has a hazelnut in every bite?

Squirrel shit! What's all this, love?

Post and more stuff you bought off the telly.

Me Shake Weight and me bikini-wax treatment.

And me hair teaser!

I wish you'd stop buying that crap off the TV, Ma.

Crap? Dermot, this is first-class merchandise.

And not available in the shops.

-Do you want a cup of tea, love?

-Love one!

Come on, nibble on me arse!

-It's been a busy morning.

-Well, love, you know,

you have to gather your nuts!

Nah, running around trying to get things done for the wedding,

getting Buster measured for his best man's suit.

Buster?

Buster's going to be your best man?

-Yeah.

-Buster Brady, that fecker?

-Yes!

I thought you might have picked Mark.

I'd love to see my two sons on the altar.

-Well, I wasn't best man at his wedding.

-You were in prison, love.

Still...I'd like Buster.

Well, think about Mark.

Tell me this.

Have you consulted with Maria on this 'Buster' decision?

Nah! The bride picks the bridesmaids, the groom picks the best man. She won't mind.

He's me best friend, Mammy.

I'm sure you're right.

-Morning!

-Want a cup of tea, love?

No, thanks. How's Winnie today?

Winnie's putting on a brave face, but she's worried, I can tell.

Jacko needs a bypass. Of his heart.

Doctors said he could be waiting a while...

five or six weeks, maybe a month.

If she went private she could have it tomorrow but Winnie hasn't got that kind of money.

-That's disgraceful!

-Ah, that's the way of the world, love.

One law for the poor and one law for the rest of us.

But who knows? Maybe me or Winnie will win the jackpot at the bingo

and then Jacko can have his operation tomorrow.

Or you might win the lottery!

Now don't start me off, Cathy.

If we win the lottery, you can forget about the operation. We're gettin' two new fuckin' men.

-I'll see you later, Mammy.

-Good luck.

-You should get back to work as well.

I'm sure there's a few trees you haven't been up!

Nah, I'm hanging on. Buster wants a chat so I told him to call up here.

Don't look at me like that. I've gone straight!

Hello, Mrs Brown.

You, don't keep him too long. He has a job to go to.

-I won't.

-Don't!

Dermot, I'm going up to make your bed.

Will you stop stuffing them dirty magazines under your mattress!

It's nearly four-foot thick at this stage.

I only buy them for the articles.

I only go to the supermarket for the music! And you...

I'm keeping an eye on you...

the good one!

Jaysus, why's your ma giving me such a hard time?

She thinks you want to drag me into a scam of some sort.

Give a dog a bad name, what?

-So, what do ya want me for?

-I've a brilliant scam, Dermot!

Buster, are you mad? I've gone straight.

Just take a look, Dermot. It's a doddle!

A raffle for the boxing club?

One euro a ticket, I put on the tickets "5,000 euro first prize".

I tell the people that if they win, I'll call them. Then nobody wins...

except us! It's foolproof!

-Not bad, Buster!

-Now I only got a hundred tickets printed just to try it out and Dermot...

I sold them all in an hour!

I made eighty euro!

-That's only eighty tickets.

-I know, yeah. Well, l I bought two books meself.

5,000 euro, Dermot, it's not to be bleedin' sneezed at!

-But...there's no raffle.

-Ah, shite, yeah!

Tease the hair.

Tease the feckin' hair.

Neh, neh, neh.

How much did it cost to get the tickets printed?

90 euro.

So you lost ten euro!

Ah, this is a bleedin' rip off!

I could do a few bob with this wedding coming up.

First of all we need to get more tickets printed.

-More tickets!

-Thousands!

-Hundreds!

Then we need to make it something they've never heard of, a club or something.

The Dublin Home For Bewildered Greyhounds And Whippets.

Nice one. Leave it with me. I'd better get back to work.

Jacko's just lying there.

He's not moving a muscle.

It's a heart attack. He's hardly going to doing the buckin' samba!

Jesus, Winnie, he's not dead yet!

You have to take a more positive outlook on this.

Start to look for the most positive outcome.

-Yeah.

-Jacko's a fighter. He'll be fine.

-How's Jacko?

-He's fucked.

-What?

I'm only joking, Winnie.

MOUTHS

-Maria!

-Hiya.

Hello, love. What has you here?

I looked in on Jacko before I left the hospital.

He's sitting up and he's starting to get colour back in his face.

-He looked good.

-Ah, they always get a lift just before the end.

Mammy!

I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

Sorry, are we keeping you? Have you to go and meet your invisible boyfriend?

-I'd like to meet him.

-We all would.

I'll never forget the night I met your father, and don't think I haven't fucking tried.

-That was at a party.

-Sadie Brady's birthday.

-Right, Winnie. Oh, now Sadie Brady...

-BOTH: Slapper.

It didn't take long for her private parts to go public.

Her knickers were busier than the escalator in Marks & Spencer's.

Up, down, up, down.

God, we arrived that night dressed to the nines.

We looked fantastic. Well, I did.

We knocked at a door, we went in. I never forget. What was it like?

The place was hopping, smoke everywhere, flashing lights.

We were there three minutes before we realised it was on fecking fire.

I looked across the room and there he was.

Your father, Redser Brown. He was standing in a corner on his own.

-He was shy?

-No, he was getting sick.

He arrived at the party drunk and somebody said, "What will you have to drink?"

He said, "Give me a pint of anything."

They gave him bucking Windolene.

-What?

-Do you know, there was a sparkle off his shite for two weeks after that.

And it didn't smear!

Oh, God.

I took him home that night. Oh, yes, I brought him home.

It was lovely. His head was just here on my shoulder.

And I carried his legs.

-Listen, never mind me. You married well.

-I did.

-She did.

-You should see the penis on her Jacko.

-Agnes Brown!

We used to go skinny dipping on Portmarnock beach.

We all lying there and Jacko would come walking along the beach,

dragging a big groove in the sand behind him.

Running into the water with his surf board under his arm and his penis under the other arm.

-It was love at first sight.

-Ah.

What about your husband, Mrs Brown?

-What do you mean, Betty?

-Well, when did you realise you loved him?

Oh, Jesus. Love?

Five or six months after he died.

Your father was best man at our wedding.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-And Jacko was our best man.

And that's the way it was.

Just like Dermot and Buster.

I'm sorry?

Dermot, he's having Buster as his best man, apparently.

Buster, I'm telling you, if the dog sees you playing with her ball she'll go mad.

6,235 euro.

Well, at least that's the prize money covered.

Buster there is NO raffle.

You bought more tickets, didn't you?

What do yeah take me for?

Yeah, two books.

I'll give you your money back.

No. It's all right. I'll take my chances.

BELL RINGS

That's my boyfriend, Dermot. Would you let him in?

-Hiya.

-He's here.

OK. I'll be down in a minute.

All right?

So you're the boyfriend?

I am, yeah.

I can put this whole ball in me mouth. Watch.

Shut up, Buster.

Howyeh? I'm Cathy's brother, Dermot.

-Oh, hello, Dermot.

-What's the name?

-My name is Michael.

-Michael.

But the lads at the station call me Mick.

-Station? Are you a fireman?

-I'm a detective.

I'm off, Cathy.

What was that all about?

I have absolutely no idea.

-Oh!

-You look great.

Thanks.

-Hello!

-We were just going.

Well, hold your buckin' horses now.

So, this is Slick Mick the Dick?

This is Mick.

-This is me soon-to-be sister-in-law, Maria.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-And this is Mammy.

-Very nice to meet you.

Oh, don't try your fancy talk on me, son.

Do you know that multiple births run in our family?

Yes, I had twins and my sister had twins.

-Right, Mick, come on.

-We used to call her Machine Gun Fanny.

-Just go, Mick.

I'm only telling you that for your own sake, love,

in case you're thinking of getting your leg over her.

You'll be up to your neck in kids.

He seems like a nice chap.

Tea, Maria? Tia Maria!

So, Maria, how are you feeling with the wedding so close?

-Actually, I'm a bit nervous.

-I was too. Nervous of the unknown.

Ha-ha!

But I can give you a heads-up. About a week after the honeymoon, he'll start looking for S-E-K-S.

-A week?

-Yes, a week. They rush at it.

Don't fall into the trap.

It starts the whole thing and then he wants to play games.

Charge of the Light Brigade was the one I hated.

He'd start one side of the room, naked, and I'd stand the other and he'd go, "Charge!"

I missed him one night. He went out the feckin' window!

If you'd have seen my face stuck on that door knob.

What you need to do is you need to know the signals.

-Signals?

-Signals. My favourite position in bed was back-to-back.

The signal for that is poke, poke. Poke, poke, poke. Poke, boy.

It's like having Ken Doherty behind you with no chalk on his cue.

Mrs Brown, really, you don't have to.

No, you need to know this, love. The other signal is not bad.

It's when he starts brushing his teeth and gargling in the bathroom.

He's preparing himself. Ha-ha!

-I only have to hear...

-GARGLES

-..and my nip...

-No, really, I understand.

Oh, OK. Hello, love.

Hiya.

Would you like a cup of tea, love?

Er, I don't know, Ma.

Are you going to hang on?

So, Dermot, have you decided who your best man is going to be yet?

-Cocoa, cocoa?

-Yet?

There was never any doubt about who would be best man - my best friend.

-Buster Brady?

-Is right.

Buster Brady is not going to be best man at my wedding.

Horlicks will calm everybody down.

Well, that's funny, because he is going to be best man at mine, so I must be marrying someone else.

Do, then.

I can do it in a take-away cup.

Maria! DOOR SLAMS

-As Forrest Gump's mother would say, there's an awful smell of shrimp off that.

-What?

Her in the film Brokeback Mountain.

-Never mind.

-Run, Forrest, run.

I love Tom Selleck.

Seven-letter word meaning constipation.

Starting in N and ending in N.

Ah! Nnnnnnn.

Hello, Winnie.

-How are you, pet?

-What brings you over?

Just sitting over there on my own, worrying.

When you're sitting on your own there's two things you don't want, and one is worry.

The other is feckin' Panorama.

Anyway, maybe one of us will win the jackpot at the bingo then Jacko can have his operation in the morning.

-Or the raffle.

-What fuckin' raffle?

The Dublin Home For Bewildered Greyhounds And Whippets.

5,000 euro first prize, Agnes.

I bought ten books.

Winnie, you feckin' eejit.

Half them things are a scam.

I had a fella here at Christmas knocked at the door.

Would I buy a ticket for a raffle for orphans?

With my luck I'd fuckin' win one.

What you need is something to take your mind off the whole hospital thing.

And I have just the feckin' thing.

-What?

-Come on. Wait till you see this.

You can help me with my bikini wax thing.

You'd better do that upstairs in the bathroom.

No, no, Cathy is going to have a bath. No, we'll do it here.

Agnes, you can't do it here.

Someone might walk in on you.

You're right. I'd look feckin' stupid.

-I've an idea.

-What?

-We'll do it in the cupboard.

-Feck off, Agnes.

Come on, Winnie, get into the cupboard. For God's sake.

It's only for the craic.

It's dark in here.

-Jesus, Winnie!

-What?

-I've no feeling in me left leg.

That's MY leg, Agnes!

This is feckin' ridiculous.

Hold on, I've an idea.

You take the instructions and go out and read them out to me.

-Oh, that's better.

-In the light. OK, love?

-Are you ready, pet?

I'm ready whenever you are.

"Expose the relevant area."

What the feck does that mean?

Get your knickers down.

Ha-ha! No sooner said than done.

OK, go ahead, Winnie.

"Open the container and spread the cold wax using the spatula."

Oh, the smell!

-Is the cold wax smelly?

-I can't get the feckin' thing open.

Hold on, I have it.

I have it. All right.

Jesus, it's freezing.

OK, Winnie, I'm spread.

"Remove the backing from the sticky tape and apply it firmly to the area."

SHE REMOVES THE BACKING

Jesus, now I'm trying to go around feckin' corners here.

Argh, it's stuck to me arse!

-Are you all right, Agnes?

-Hold on, hold on.

OK, I have it. OK, now what?

Now wait for three minutes and pull the tape off briskly.

That means fast. Yank it off.

Winnie, I can't see me feckin' watch.

-Well, count to 180.

-OK.

-(QUICKLY)

-One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

-PHONE RINGS

Hello, Mrs McGoogan.

Dermot's not here, pet. Come back later, love.

I'm just leaving this here for him. He told me to put it in the cupboard.

No, no! Put it in the kitchen, pet.

Go on, put it in the kitchen.

-It's Buster.

-Close the door. You're blowing the arse off me!

-Hiya, Winnie. Who was that at the door?

-It was me.

Are you delighted to see me?

Oh, piss off, Buster.

-Winnie, where's Mammy?

-She's not here, love.

-73, 74, 75...

She is. She's in there.

-No, she's not.

-120...

-She was, but she not.

-154...155...

-That sounds like her voice.

It's not. Shut up, you.

Winnie, where is she?

178, 179, 180.

RIPPING

SCREAMING

Are you all right, Mammy?

No. I feel like there's a hedgehog living in my knickers.

Hello, Winnie. Go on in. I'll follow you in.

Little bastards.

-What's all this about?

-PHONE RINGS

You're about to see.

-Maria, thanks for coming over.

-What's going on?

-That's exactly what I was saying.

-What's wrong? Is Jacko all right?

-Oh, Winnie, shut up.

Not every bit of drama in this series is about Jacko.

Sorry.

Maria, I want nothing more than to make you happy.

I've asked Mark to be my best man

-and he's agreed to do it.

-Yep.

-I'm proud to do it.

-He'll be great at it as well.

I've spoken to Buster and he has no problem with it.

Well, what I said...

Oh, Dermot, that's fantastic.

No, no, hold on a minute.

No, it's not fantastic. Now just hold on there.

Maria, I know you don't have the highest opinion of this little shit.

When you told your family that you were marrying my son, what was it your cousin Bethany said?

She said,

"You're not marrying that scumbag, are you?"

Exactly.

And tell me, Maria, on the day of the wedding what will that cat-faced little bitch be doing?

She's my bridesmaid.

-But she's my only cousin.

-Fine.

That's your choice, that makes it fine.

Well, Dermot and Buster have been best friends since their arses were the size of shirt buttons.

Best friends, Maria. That has to count for something.

If you're lucky, you'll marry your best friend, just like Winnie did,

and that's more important than all the lovey-dovey stuff. So here's the deal.

If you've any sense of loyalty about you at all,

you'll simply ask Dermot who he'd like to have by his side

to witness the most important decision of his life.

Your mother's right, Dermot. I'm sorry.

Who would you like as your best man?

Mark...

I'm sorry.

Buster...

..will you be my best man?

I do.

If you even dream about it, you'll wake up and apologise!

-Well, that's that, then.

-No, that's not that then. There's more thats to that now.

Winnie McGoogan, my dearest friend.

-Winnie, we've been together through thick and thin.

-We have.

I was always thin.

Winnie, when my Redser lost his job and we had no money, you were there by my side.

-I was.

-And when Redser went in to have his left leg removed,

-you were there by my side.

-True.

And when they took away his right leg,

you were there right beside me.

-Yes.

-And the night Redser died,

-where were you? Tell them.

-By your side, Agnes.

By my side.

Winnie, you're a fuckin' jinx.

But you're my best friend.

Now, tell me, Winnie, if Jacko had his operation in the morning, how much would it cost?

Jesus, Agnes, it's a lot more than I could afford.

Well, this could be your lucky day.

-Why?

-Dermot's found out the result of the raffle.

-(Oh, Jesus.)

I have?

Yes, you have, Mr Dublin Greyhound and WHIPPETS!

So come on, son, announce the result.

-Oh, yeah, the raffle.

-Yes, the in-the-kitchen-in-the-red-box raffle.

-The result is...

-Hang on a minute. Let me get my tickets out.

Fire away, Dermot.

The winner of the 5,000 euro...

-And the 1,000 euro bonus.

-What!

..and the 1,000 euro bonus is Winnie McGoogan.

You see, Winnie, I told you.

-Everything works out just the way it was supposed to.

-Yes.

-You can buy us all a drink.

-I will.

-Let's all get down to Foleys and get this feckin' party started.

-# When I wake up

-When I wake up

# I know I'm going to be

# I'm going to be the man who wakes up next to you

# And when I go out

-# I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be... #

-I'll follow yous down.

Go on.

Agnes.

Jesus Christ, Winnie.

-You know you were saying about us two marrying our best friends?

-Yes?

Well, I didn't marry my best friend.

I moved in beside her.

I wonder who that fecking was.

Goodnight, friends.

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all She wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# A sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet She'd never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #

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