Mammy's Secret Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains strong language

Ladies and Gentlemen...

welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

Hello! Come in, come in!

I'm just making some Brown Bread.

It's my mother's recipe.

It's a secret!

THUMPING

What do you want, Grandad?

-I'm too weak to get down the stairs.

-Well, use the lift!

I'm in the kitchen on the second floor beside the swimming pool!

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

Mammy, mammy, mammy, mammy, mammy!

I'll get it... I'm sure it's Mick.

Mick me arse!

Now that's Mick, the latest NEW boyfriend.

I'm not even allowed to answer me own phone now.

I go to answer me phone I get a feckin' rugby tackle...

I don't get a rugby tackle when I'm on me way down to pay the feckin' bill!

Oh, yes, and

Mick is a secret. Mmm...

he must be ugly!

-Oh, grow up, for God's sake!

-Who is it, Cathy?

It's a heavy breather. I'm hanging up.

Oh, no, don't... it might be your Uncle Terry. His asthma is very bad.

Oh! Hello?

Ye dirty bastard!

-What did he say?

-"If you can guess what I have in my hand, you can have it."

Gimme the phone!

Hello? If it fits in ONE hand you can feckin' keep it!

Hello?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

God, Mammy, you're well able for them.

I've no feckin' time for them.

I had one of them on two weeks ago...

He said "If you come down to the corner I'll show you me willy."

Dirty bastard...

Never feckin' turned up!

-All right Mammy?

-Hello, Rory, do you want a cup of tea?

-No.

-Are you going into town?

-Yeah!

-Now, don't you go getting some girl into trouble.

I won't.

-How are you, Agnes?

-Hiya, Winnie.

-Are you putting the kettle on or what?

-Hang on - I'm not on feckin' wheels!

Can you believe it, Agnes?

Your Dermot getting married!

I know, it's all very exciting.

Of course this will be your first WHITE wedding, won't it, Agnes?

Meaning?

Well, your Cathy was married in a registry office in London, and we all know how that ended.

Will you keep your feckin' voice down?

PHONE RINGS

That's that dirty bastard again!

Hello, Hornball.

how would you like me to grab you by the willy and swing you round the room like a windmill?

Aha... yes! Hold on, Mick.

I'll get her for you.

Cathy, Ca-Cathy, it's Mick, it's Mick for you!

-Mammy!

-I think we had a crossed line...

there was voices and all...

he must be in a train station.

Hello, son! Aha...

you looking for a light?

Nice one, Mammy! Hello, Mrs McGoogan!

Hiya, Dermot son. Ah, congratulations on your engagement.

I'm delighted for yourself and Maria.

You look tired, love. I'll make you a cuppa tea.

Why don't you lie down there in the ashtray?

THUMPING

What do you want, Grandad?

Help me! I'm stuck in the lift!

-Cathy, are you still up there?

-Yes!

No, you're not. I can fuckin' see you standing there...

she's standing there!

Well, go into your Grandad's bedroom and get him out of the feckin' wardrobe.

What's WRONG, Dermot?

-Mrs Nicholson is talking about dropping in to see you.

-Oh, lovely!

-At last, I get to meet her!

-She's very posh, Mammy.

And so are we.

We have a series on the BBC.

I don't think she has!

Yeah, Mammy. Maria's parents don't know what I do.

I just told them I was in PR. I don't think they'd like...

this!

Anti-smokers, are they?

-No.

-No buts!

No, Mammy... me dressing up in costumes.

I'm sure Mrs Nicholson is just like any mother.

Once her daughter is happy, she won't care what you feckin' do!

Really, Dermot, don't you be worrying about her. When she leaves this house

she'll know that Maria is marrying into the finest family in Finglas!

-And you're doing it the right way, son, not like your brother Mark.

-What was wrong with Mark's wedding?

Well, Betty... You know... it was a bit of a rush...

She was pregnant! Oh, Winnie, drag yourself in to the 26th century.

So what? Look at them now.

A lovely house in Finglas, and a beautiful child in Bono,

and Mark and Betty are as happy as happy can be.

Mark and Betty had a row. She threw him out!

Jesus - that the time? Goodnight, Winnie. Come on!

Jesus, Agnes, I'm only after getting my tea!

Mind you don't spill it getting over the hedge! Goodnight!

Is Mark still asleep?

Yes. He was exhausted and upset when he got here last night.

-I think we should put him on a suicide watch.

-Will you stop, Rory?

I took all the tablets out of the first aid kit and hid them!

The only thing that was in the first aid kit was indigestion tablets!

What did he want him to do... shit himself to death?

You can't do that, Cathy, can you?

-Goodbye, cruel world!

-FARTING NOISE

Well, at least my son came home here.

My door is always open.

That's the problem.

-I beg you pardon, Missy?

-He's a married man, Mammy, he shouldn't be coming here.

Should he not? Well, that's funny. You're married and you're fuckin' here!

Now look, when Mark Brown gets down here, we all pretend we know nothing.

Jesus, that's him now. Everybody hide!

No, no, no! Everybody just look normal.

-Hiya, Mark!

-Howyeh!

-Hiya Ma!

-Hello son...

-good morning!

-Morning!

Sit down there in Mammy's chair!

Come on!

-All right, Rory?

-BURSTS INTO SOBS

-You all right?

-Yeah, grand.

-Do you wanna talk about it?

-No.

It helps to talk about it, Mark. Believe me, I know.

Shut up, you. Leave the child alone!

Right, I'm off to work.

-Right, see you later, love.

-See you later, Ma.

-Bye, love.

-(Say goodbye, say goodbye!

-What?)

All me sharp tools are missing!

Rory Brown!

It was for your own good, Marko!

I'll see yous later!

I'll see you... I'll see you, love... Have a nice day at work now!

Ya feckin' eejit!

DOORBELL RINGS

Look at you! Diet Coke break!

Yes?

Hello, Agnes darling! Hillary Nicholson!

-What?

-Maria's mother!

-Oh, of course!

-I was in the area, and I just thought I'd pop in for a pre-nuptial chat, as it were.

-Come in, come in!

-Oh, thank you.

-Oh, bad leg?

Yes, I injured it a couple of weeks ago - skiing accident.

I was on the piste.

Drink - will we ever feckin' learn?

Give me that!

Would you like a cushion for that foot?

-Oh, no, no, actually it's not sore and this comes off tomorrow.

-Oh!

Oh, wallpaper!

Oh, how very...eighties!

Well, the paper went up in '84, but the border didn't go up till '92.

Oh, I see.

Hillary... what's your maiden name?

-Sheridan.

-I knew I knew your face, John Sheridan, the clerk of St Jarleth's Church...

-he was your father?

-That's right.

-Yeah. Nice man.

-Thank you...

now where was I?

Oh, yes, Maria's wedding.

And Dermot's. She's not marrying herself!

Yes, of course. I just wanted to have a little chat...

make sure we don't clash on the day.

You and me clash? Not at all.

You keep your fuckin' mouth shut, we'll be grand.

DOOR CLOSES

Betty? Betty?

-What do you want?

-Is my husband here?

Betty, I wish you'd use his name.

Mark... Ma-ha-hark..

I didn't go through a hundred hours of labour and then forget to name him.

Nobody is in labour for a hundred hours, not even Agnes Brown.

I'll have you know, I was so long in labour on that child, they had to shave me twice!

Well, that's when he was your son.

He's my husband now.

He was my son for a long time before he was your husband.

-So is he here or not?

-No, but he'll be home shortly, for a decent bit of dinner.

Cook him as many dinners as you like, but you tell him if it's a wife he wants, he'd better call ME!

A wife? Don't make me laugh. It's a wife my son needs...

not a fuckin' sample!

Hello!

Um, I think I'll just slip out the back way.

Hello?

Wait a minute!

I bookin' live here!

Go on, out... OUT!

When are you going to realise your sons are grown men and stop treating them like children?

As soon as they can find themselves a woman that's good enough to replace ME.

You are one bitch!

Look at me, I'm bookin' shakin'.

-Wagon!

-Baggy arse!

Ah, shag off!

You watch your fuckin' language in my house!

And we all know your hair is fuckin' dyed.

I thought that went well!

-So Hillary... You were saying?

-Ah, yes, yes.

Clothes for the wedding, Agnes, I was talking about clothes!

-Clothes?

-Exactly. I wouldn't want us to be dressed alike!

Neither would fuckin' I.

Jesus, Grandad, come on.

Let's get you upstairs.

Why don't I make the two of us a nice cup of tea and we can discuss it?

you'd like that, wouldn't you? Am I right, am I right?

Tea? Cup of tea?

Er, yes, yes... No, no.

Um, look, my outfit for the wedding. I've had it put by at Harvey Nicks.

You're hardly likely to be shopping there, are you?

No. But I have got me eye on a beautiful suit.

I seen it in the window of Marcelle's Boutique!

Marcelle's? Oh, well, you'd need a mortgage to shop there.

Oh, then it'll probably be San Michelle!

Oh, St Michael. Oh, Agnes, you are so funny!

Amn't I... fuckin' hilarious.

Well, I mustn't keep you.

I need to get to the gym, make some appointments...

as soon as this is off, I'm getting back into shape.

What shape are you going for... Balloon, is it?

You might like to visit the gym yourself.

I will, when they start playing feckin' bingo there.

I'll get you a cup of tea... Oh, no.

I'll get you a cuppa tea!

Oh, and Hillary, thank you very much for the heads up about the clothes for the wedding.

Yes, OK!

Just steer clear of silver.

Silver - you're wearing silver?

Yes.

She's wearing fuckin' silver.

She must be coming as RoboCop!

-Was that not the door?

-I didn't hear it.

Are you expecting somebody?

No, I just thought I heard the door.

Oh, a sample!

I need a size six.

-Well, hello... if it isn't Cathy's little secret!

-I'm sorry?

Come in. She's not ready yet but she'll be down in a minute.

That's very kind, thank you!

Oh, sit down, sit down...

-I'm Cathy's mother... Agnes.

-Hi!

Nice to meet you!

-So tell me a little about yourself?

-Me? There's very little to tell.

-Well... where are you from?

-Wicklow.

Right...

-And brothers and sisters?

-No. I'm an only child.

-Aw!

Did Daddy have a low sperm count?

-I'm sorry?

-Now look...

-I won't beat around the bush. Are you sleeping with my daughter?

-Nooooh!

Get a feckin' move on - she won't hang around forever.

She likes a bit of... you know... pumpy, pumpy!

-All right, Mammy!

-Hello love.

-Hello.

Excuse me a second.

Cathy, don't be so feckin' bad mannered!

-What?

-You just walked past him like he was a perfect stranger!

-Who?

-Mick, your boyfriend!

That's not Mick.

What?

That man in there is not my boyfriend.

-Well, who is he, then?

-I don't know. You're the one that's talking to him.

Excuse me a second.

Cathy... get rid of him!

He is YOUR problem. You get rid of him!

I'm sorry about that... there's been a mistake - yeah.

See, you were supposed to be Mick... you know... and you're not Mick...

And you've no sperms. Now look... wha...

it's...

my...get out!

I'm sorry?

Come on... out! Go on... get out, out, out, out, out...

OUT!

-Wait... now, For just one euro a week.

-Son... Go!

Have you thought about life insurance?

-No... but I'd go for another kiss!

-No, thank you,

-"You should visit the gym yourself," she says.

-YOU in a gym.

Yeah... well I used to do all that!

-Did yeah?

-Oh, Jeez, yes. I used to do the...

I could tell you stories.

I remember I went to a Turkish Bath once in Dame Street.

I was never so embarrassed in me life.

-Why?

-I went in and it was all steam everywhere, so I took off all me clothes.

I'm there in me nude and when the steam cleared, I was in a fuckin' chip shop!

Do you want salt and vinegar on that?

-Same again, Pet?

-Yes, it's about time!

-Have you got a minute, Mammy?

-Yes, all the time in the world for you chicken honey.

-What is it, love?

-Mammy...

Have you ever wondered WHY I never wanted to play for Mark's football team?

I know why, love.

-You do?

-I've known for years. I just couldn't say anything to you.

You're shite!

You're good at some things, but football isn't one of them.

Mammy, you never listen to me!

Rory, you can't even do a feckin' headier!

-There you go, pet!

-Thanks, Winnie.

Jaysus.

-she hasn't wasted much time!

-Who?

Your Mark's Betty. Look!

Don't be jumping to conclusions.

It could be perfectly innocent.

Remember before we were married and you accused me of going off with your Jacko?

Well, you told Esther Cowan that my Jacko had a scar on his willy!

I did NOT say that.

I said it FELT like a scar!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This could be more serious than I thought.

Oh, now!

-Wouldn't you love to be her.

-Who?

-Sarah Le Pippalyn!

-Who?

-Sarah Le Pippalyn.

She was laid by 5,000 men.

Show me that?

Mammy, that's SAHARA PIPELINE!

Mammy, what the hell happened here with Mrs Nicholson?

-Nothing. She seemed fine when she was leaving here!

-What's up?

Maria's mother! She's now talking about having the wedding in Italy.

We couldn't afford to go to the Italy for a wedding!

That's the point. She doesn't want the Browns there.

-You've made things worse!

-Look.

Don't you be worrying, son.

She'll come round, once she calms down. Everything will work out how it was supposed to.

It always does! And Mark, Betty called here the other day looking for you.

-Did she?

-You should talk to her.

-Ma, just leave it, will you?

-No, I just won't leave it. What's going on?

-I don't want to talk about it!

-Fine.

Fine. Well, if a man can't talk to his own mother!

Yes?

I was offered a promotion in work.

A promotion? A promotion to what?

-Supervisor.

-Ah.

Not an ordinary visor!

-"Mark Brown: Supervisor"!

-I turned it down.

"Turned it down..." You feckin' turned it down?!

-Well, what did Betty say about that?

-That's the thing. I didn't tell her before I turned it down.

For God's sake, Mark.

No wonder she's fighting with you! You can't do that, son.

You're a married man. It's not all just about you now.

It's a team. You have to t...

Can I help you?

Well, mind your own business!

We'll talk later.

You and me. Talk later!

Walls. Fuckin' ears!

So then, Rory.

Decided to stay on your tools?

Rory?

Rory? I don't think his name is Rory!

Him Mark. Me Agnes. You Dermot.

Not Rory. Would you like another go at it, son?

MIMICS TAPE REWINDING

APPLAUSE

So then, Mark. Decided to stay with your tools?

-Yeah!

-CLAPPING

Mark the chippy, always one of the lads!

At least I'm not a thief.

You're the brightest in the whole family. You could be anything!

-Brighter than you?

-I can't read, Dermot.

And I can't write.

That's why I turned down the promotion - PAPER work!

Does Betty know?

-No.

-How could she NOT know?

-Because you hide it, Dermot.

I can read me name, or the labels on things I use a lot, but paperwork?

No way!

-Betty? What's up? Is Bono all right?

-Well, look who it is.

What's wrong - no date tonight?

Bono's fine. except that he's missing his father.

Tell him about the man you were with in Foley's last night!

-He's a teacher!

-Yeah, what's he teach? The Kama Sutra?

Ma, shut up!

What were you doing with a teacher?

He's looking for a part-time cleaner, and I've taken the job

and in return he's going to teach YOU to read and write!

-Read and write?

-You knew?

-Of course I knew!

-Knew what?

Now come on Mark, come home.

-Please.

-See ya, Ma!

-What did she know?

Know what?

Dermot, what did she know?

I'll see you, Ma. I'm going for a smoke.

Well, I'm glad I sorted all that out.

SHE SOBS

-Mammy?

-You're very early.

-I've a fucking whole line to do!

-Of course you do!

SHE SOBS

Wah-ha-ha!

Once, that's all I ask - just once I'd like us to be fuckin' normal!

-Mammy?

-Hello, son!

-Is everything all right?

-No.

-I've made a balls of the whole lot.

-No, you haven't.

YES I HAVE!

Trevor is gone on the missions because he can't get far enough away from me.

I've ruined Dermot's wedding.

I don't know what's wrong with Rory.

He says I won't listen to him.

-Mammy!

-Not now, Rory, for fuck's sake!

And you.

I never gave you a chance after your divorce, did I?

And he was beating you, wasn't he?

And you know, Cathy, when your father died I was so busy just trying to keep it all together,

that I never even bothered to make sure Mark could read and write.

I'm a gobshite!

Yeah. You are.

I beg your fuckin' pardon?

You're a gobshite, Mammy, because you can't see what you HAVE done!

Now don't plamause me!

Mark left school when he was 12, sure enough, but he was there for eight years

-and he never missed a single day!

-Not one day!

Now, if a school can't teach a child to read and write in eight years,

well, that's the teachers' fault, Mammy. It's not yours.

The bastards!

-Mammy.

-What?

Trevor is on the missions, because he has a kind heart,

which he got from you.

Rory knows what he wants to tell you.

He's just afraid of hurting you.

Don't be ridiculous. Rory couldn't hurt me.

He's one of my boys!

-And me, Mammy.

-Go on.

Mammy, I'm just like you! If you don't like something - change it.

You taught me that.

-So you see, Mammy. you did a good job.

-Dermot!

-What?

-Dermot, you forgot all about Dermot.

-I didn't forget him.

-You forgot Dermot!

I did not forget him, Mammy. I just couldn't think of anything nice to say about him.

LAUGHTER

Well, go on.

You tell me something nice about Dermot.

Well?

He makes me laugh!

I know it's not a big thing but Jesus Christ, he always makes me laugh!

Come here, Mammy!

Oh, don't start that shit now!

I'm going to have to feckin' toughen you up!

Cathy!

I'd be lost without you.

This last couple of days.

Goodnight, Mammy!

Wait a minute. I haven't got fuckin' Venetian blinds.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Hillary, thanks very much for coming over!

Ah, I didn't say come in.

I just wanted you to know that I think your choice of the Ritz Crown Hotel is a wonderful choice.

Well, actually, we are thinking of moving it to Italy.

Yes, whatever happened to the church fund the year your father was in charge of it?

Did they ever find out?

-I always liked the Ritz Crown Hotel.

-Me too!

You take care now. Arrivederci!

APPLAUSE

Everyone has their little secret.

Cathy and her SECRET boyfriend.

And imagine Mark keeping that secret all those years.

That's not right.

Oh, there's some secrets it's all right to keep, like.

Your age, or your weight.

Or whether or not someone has a scar on their willy.

But not Mark's secret. no.

Or the recipe for brown bread.

I must tell you some time!

Goodbye! Come on, Grandad!