Mammy's Miracle Mrs Brown's Boys


Mammy's Miracle

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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language

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Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

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# She's Mrs Brown

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# That's Mrs Brown

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# Our Mrs Brown. #

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Come along, Granddad. Hello?

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All right, Granddad, you take your time now.

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Are you too warm?

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Yes.

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Right then, let's get this jacket and jumper off.

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Ah, that's better!

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Na!

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Morning Mrs Brown.

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Good morning, Lord.

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Are you all right?

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Just struggling a bit!

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Lift your left arm. A bit more. That's it. Now lean forward.

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Now the other arm.

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Lean forward a bit more.

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Did you want something, Lord?

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No, just bringing Granddad home.

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Well, it's about fecking time.

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I mean, the Lord's will be done.

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I'll be with YOU in a minute!

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But I-I've barely lived.

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Show a shred of human decency!

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Mammy?

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Don't interrupt the fecking picture!

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Please, please, let me stay a little longer.

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Please. Please!

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Hello, Father Quinn.

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Hello, Cathy.

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Shit!

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There's shit on the floor! Shit!

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Let me get that, Father.

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Come on, Granddad, let's get you upstairs for a nap.

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I'm just dropping Granddad back from the funeral.

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Why? What did he do?

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Granddad? Well, he didn't do anything.

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I was passing here anyway so I just thought I'd drop him off.

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Ah right, well you probably haven't time for a cuppa.

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No, thank you.

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No, I've got this!

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Father Quinn! Drinking during the day? Are you all right?

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No, Mrs Brown, I am not all right!

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Father, I didn't say sit down.

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I just buried Mr Jones this morning.

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I promised him heaven but what if there is no heaven?

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He's just buried?

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I wouldn't worry about him coming back to complain, Father!

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Mrs Brown, I'm losing my faith.

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You're about to lose your fecking hand now if you don't let go!

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I'm sorry, Mrs Brown. I'm just afraid.

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Soon I won't have a flock!

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I don't think you're allowed, Father. I think it's against the rules.

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Mrs Brown, have they called here? Have they?

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Who? Have who called?

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The Missionaries, from the Church of Latter Day Saints.

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Nobody's called here, Father.

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You know, they have converted four families in the last six months.

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Well, wait a minute, Father, these missionaries,

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-do they believe in God?

-Well, Yes.

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Well, then what's the problem?

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We're all on the same bus, who gives a shite who the driver is?

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I give a shite!

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Father, you watch your fucking language in this house!

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Now, Father, look, what you need to do, you need to get into your car

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and drive home!

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Father, these things are sent to test us.

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-Do you think so?

-Oh, yes!

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Come on. Now look, Father, what you need to do is,

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well, just keep the faith.

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The faith! The faith!

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Yes, the faith.

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But, just in case, drive carefully.

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Father, would you not be better in the front seat?

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Well, my God, what do you make of that?

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I suppose it's hard for religion nowadays.

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The older generations are dying off

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and the youngsters just don't seem to have any fecking interest.

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It's hard for God to compete with, you know,

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fecking World Of Warcraft!

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Would anybody hear God's message nowadays

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unless he sends it by fecking text!

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It was Father Quinn who helped my son, Trevor, when he wanted

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to go away on the missions.

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He's in Africa now.

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Oh, the Chinese love him!

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Father Quinn looked awful!

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He thinks he's losing his faith.

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I think he's losing his booking marbles!

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Knob fell off,

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just like me husband!

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Hiya, Mammy!

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Jesus, you're not talking as well!

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Oh, hello, love, do you want a cup of tea?

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Yes, please! What's up?

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CRASHING

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Ken's after knocking the fucking wall down again.

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Oh, the fecking washing machine's clapped out!

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I'll have to get Mark down to look at it.

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All Granddad's clothes are stuck in it.

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Granddad, you'll have to wait!

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No, not there.

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Come on, up to your room and play with your yo-yo.

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He lost the string, it's only a YO now!

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I won't be home later, Mammy. I'm meeting Mick.

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Oh, Mick has been around longer than any other boyfriend, Cathy.

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You like him, don't you? You like him a lot!

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-Could be the one!

-A Brown dating a policeman! Who'd have thought?

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Good for you!

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Is there tea going?

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Ah, here's the newlyweds!

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-Do you want tea?

-No, I'm late for work.

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Goodbye, chicken!

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You look like you could have stayed in bed a bit longer.

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Yeah, restless night!

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I'll head off. I'll get a coffee in town.

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See yous!

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Now, love.

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Winnie must be happy with Jacko coming home from the hospital.

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I'll believe it when I see it.

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He's definitely coming home today. I saw it on the discharge order.

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We'll see. Are you all right, Maria?

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I'm fine.

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Are you still upset about last night?

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Last night?

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I heard you and Dermot arguing. I wasn't listening on purpose, just it was so warm, I thought

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I'd sleep on the landing.

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I worry about you, that's all. I just worry.

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-Look, we have to get our own place.

-I know, I heard.

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But Dermot won't even come and look at flats with me

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and we can't stay here forever!

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You don't hear me complaining.

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I know, Mrs Brown, but a place of our own!

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I know, love.

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There's barely enough room for the four of you, never mind us.

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Agnes, love. Oh, Jesus phone an ambulance, pet!

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What's wrong, Winnie?

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I was getting Jacko out of the taxi from the hospital

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and Father Quinn's after driving over him!

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Jesus!

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Winnie! Winnie!

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Get you lads a drink?

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Eh, no thank you, officer!

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They must have something on.

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I hope not!

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SHE BURPS

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Excuse me, Winnie.

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A broken leg.

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How many times has Jacko broke his leg?

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Eight.

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-But the other one was only five.

-Oh!

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A broken leg and a few bruises. I suppose he was lucky!

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Well, that's how I always think of him. Lucky Jacko(!)

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-Father Quinn didn't come out of it well.

-No?

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No, he's in a bad way, Winnie.

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He's losing his faith!

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-Where did he lose his faith?

-I don't know.

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-He was talking about not having a flock. I was embarrassed.

-Oh, yeah!

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I didn't ask any questions. Mr Foley!

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Thank you.

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He's worried about missionaries pushing another religion there.

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Ah! What he needs is a miracle!

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-Maybe you're right.

-Yeah!

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-Why don't you do a miracle?

-What?

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Get up and pay for that booking round.

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Ah, very funny(!)

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I have to get that washing machine fixed!

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-Ah, good girl, Winnie!

-There you go, Pet!

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I hope you got me fresh ice now, not that fecking frozen stuff!

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That's all they had, Agnes!

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Ah, feck off, Agnes!

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I swear to God, Winnie, you'd swallow an anchor!

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Do you know, we could get Father Quinn to Lourdes

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-and hope for a miracle!

-I've seen a miracle in Lourdes once.

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-Did you?

-There was a man in a wheelchair.

-Yeah.

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Then they pushed him into the water

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and suddenly all the lights got brighter, all the candles flickered.

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You could feel a chill

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and then they pushed him out the other side.

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-And he got up and walked?

-No.

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But the wheelchair had two new tyres!

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It's a doddle, Dermot.

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The house is empty and they have a warehouse.

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I could do with some money to get us a place.

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But I promised Maria that I'd never burgle a house again.

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Fair enough, we'll just do the warehouse.

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OK, I'll take a look. Now, no promises. Just a look!

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Ah, brilliant!

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You've a marvellous pair of hands, son. Gifted, gifted like Jockey Wilson!

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Yeah, Ma, listen. I don't think I'll get this fixed today.

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Ah, you're fecking useless!

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Switch off the power, Ma, for a minute.

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Power going off!

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OK, Mammy!

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KNOCKING

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-What do you want, Granddad?

-Has the power gone off?

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No, you've gone blind!

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-They have a top-of-the-range security system.

-What kind?

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-The Mercury infra-red scan!

-No bother.

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Just give me a mirror and a bit of Blu-Tack and that's done!

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And they have cameras, five of them,

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-two of them night vision.

-Power coming back on!

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And we can silence the alarms.

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We can silence the bell with a bit of putty.

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So then Tom Cruise comes out of the roof with a bit of rope

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and a torch in his mouth and he sets off all the alarms.

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HE HUMS MISSION IMPOSSIBLE TUNE

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Ah, Dermo, it's a brilliant movie, you have to get it on DVD!

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Hello, Cathy! Hello, officer!

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Right, listen. I'm off!

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Do you fancy a drink, Dermo?

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Hello, son.

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-Granddad? You still awake?

-Yeah!

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-Were you at George Mumford's funeral?

-Yeah!

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-Good craic afterwards?

-Yeah!

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-Were they all saying what a nice man he was?

-Yeah!

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-He must have been a good soul, so.

-He was a shit!

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Some of us are trying to sleep up here.

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Why don't yous get together and come up and scream in me fecking ear!

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What are yous doing up at this hour of the night?

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Talking, Ma, just talking.

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I sat up till after midnight waiting for that thing

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to start on the fecking telly.

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Grand Prix.

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Wasted my time.

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It was all about fecking racing cars!

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Granddad was just telling me how everyone was saying nice things

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-about George Mumford at the wake.

-That's nice.

-You hated him.

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Ah, he was a shit, nobody liked him!

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-Ah, but still!

-Still what? Yous all make me sick!

-Do we?

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And what nice things will people say about me at my funeral?

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Yes, if they both turn up!

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And I won't be around to hear them say it!

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That's the way it goes, Granddad Once you die, you go deaf!

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A man should be allowed to attend his own funeral.

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That's a great one. I think that'll catch on(!)

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He could, you know.

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Of course he could! I do forget we're related to fecking Lazarus!

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How would a man do that now, be at his own funeral, explain that to me!

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We could just tell everyone he's dead, have a pretend funeral,

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let Granddad hear what's being said.

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-A pretend funeral?

-What's going on?

-You're just in time.

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Welcome to the Twilight Zone! Wait till you hear this.

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Come on, Brains Trust, tell them your big plan. Come on, Alfred Pitchfork!

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Granddad wants to hear all the nice things said about him at his funeral.

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At his OWN funeral now! His own fecking funeral!

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So I suggested we have a pretend funeral, and let Granddad, you know, hear them!

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That might work!

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That could be great fun. I could be real sad.

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Am I the only sane person in this fecking house?

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A pretend funeral! I haven't been in mourning since your father died.

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Everyone said I looked lovely in that black dress.

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-I still have it.

-Have you, Mammy?

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Oh, yes. You know, in case of, erm...

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a special occasion.

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-No, no, we'd never get away with it.

-We would, Ma!

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I know a couple of lads, undertakers. They'd lend me a coffin.

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We could lay him out in the house.

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-I could do his hair and make-up like in funeral parlours.

-Father Quinn could say prayers.

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That might be the last thing he does as a priest!

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And we could all have a flower to drop on the coffin as it's going down the hole.

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-Easy, Ma! We're not going that far.

-Fecking spoilsport!

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We could always say nothing and just cremate him?

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He'll think he was in Torremolinos!

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When? When will we do it? No, not Monday - bingo.

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Not Wednesday - pilates.

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-Not Thursday - my training course.

-It can't be Tuesday.

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Are yous all too busy to let me die?

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Shut up, you, and wait your fecking turn!

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You wouldn't die last month when I asked you to.

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Hold on, nobody mentioned Friday. How's Friday?

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If we do this, we don't tell anybody, only family.

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And certainly not Winnie. You know what she's fecking like!

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Oh, wait now, we'd better ask the corpse.

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Granddad, how would you like to die on Friday?

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-Friday is grand!

-Friday it is, then!

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Dermot! Dermot, you watch your time - you don't want to be late for work!

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OK, Mammy. Just getting my costume.

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DOOR BELL RINGS

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-Mammy, that might be the lads with the coffin.

-Oh, right!

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Hello, ma'am!

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Come in, come in. Come in, quick! Don't let anybody see you!

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Thank you, ma'am.

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-I've been expecting you!

-Excellent.

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We are here to shine a light on the path to God,

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and, may I just say, we are delighted with such a welcome.

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Ah, that's very nice. Have you got it with you now?

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I'm sorry, have we got what?

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The coffin - is it out in the big black car?

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-Uh, we walked here.

-You walked?!

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You didn't carry it up the fecking road?!

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It's supposed to be a surprise!

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Ma'am, we may be confusing you.

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-I'm Elder Bush and this here is Elder Peach.

-Howdy, ma'am!

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-Are you the undertakers?

-No, ma'am! We're Mormons.

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Oh, son, don't be putting yourself down.

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They used to say that about my child in school, but he turned out fine.

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No, ma'am - Mormons, from the Church of Latter-day Saints.

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The Church...?

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You're the two that Father...

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How do, do, do!

0:17:460:17:48

Do sit down!

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Why, thank you, Ma'am, how kind!

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Not at all!

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I want to find out what all the fecking fuss is about!

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-A lovely home you have here.

-Thank you very much, son.

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-Well, we're just a normal family, trying to get by.

-Hello, sir!

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Oh, don't mind him,

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he's just excited about his funeral tomorrow.

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Well, my name is Agnes, or Mrs Brown,

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-whichever you think is most appropriate.

-That's fine, Mrs Brown.

0:18:140:18:18

May we begin with a few moments of silent prayer?

0:18:180:18:20

Ha ha ha!

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Seriously?

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All right, just keep your voices down.

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That's my son.

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He's a big cock!

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Sugars, boys? How many sugars in your tea?

0:18:590:19:01

-We don't drink tea!

-Of course you don't, you're American!

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How many sugars in your cap-in-chino?

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-We don't drink cappuccino either, or alcohol, or anything that might taint our system.

-OK.

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For we believe our bodies are the temple of the Lord,

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and if this be so, then who would defile a temple knowingly?

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A fecking "No" would have done!

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What if we just sneak out?

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Now, where were we?

0:19:320:19:34

We were talking about the Old Testament.

0:19:350:19:38

The Old Testament, yeah.

0:19:380:19:39

# Hallelujah

0:19:390:19:41

# Hallelujah

0:19:410:19:43

# Hallelujah, hallelujah, ha... #

0:19:430:19:45

Comes from down there, look...

0:19:450:19:47

# Hallelujah

0:19:470:19:49

# Hallelujah, hallelujah hallelujah! #

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Don't mind me, son -

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that's just the way we used to do it in the old days.

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In my day, you know. It's all changed now, isn't it? Yeah, all modern, yeah.

0:19:580:20:02

# Hallelu... #

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SHE BEATBOXES

0:20:030:20:04

West side!

0:20:080:20:09

Actually, Mrs Brown, we were talking about Abraham.

0:20:110:20:14

Very good story, yeah.

0:20:140:20:16

Yes, it is, ma'am. Yes, it is.

0:20:160:20:17

Yeah, sad, but at the end, when he's riding his chariot

0:20:170:20:22

and the wheel came off, that was sad.

0:20:220:20:26

Oh, no, wait, that was Kirk Douglas.

0:20:280:20:30

Oh, Abraham! Of course, yes! He invented the snip.

0:20:330:20:37

-The snip?

-The snip, you know, snip!

0:20:370:20:41

It's a very good story, that, it is, but it's made up.

0:20:430:20:46

-I'm sorry, Mrs Brown?

-It's made up. A lot of the Bible is made up.

0:20:460:20:50

They had to, cos otherwise it'd be only be a pamphlet.

0:20:500:20:53

-I don't think so, Ma'am.

-Norman's Ark, that's made up!

-I believe his name was Noah.

0:20:530:20:57

Well, I believe in Ireland we call him fucking Norman!

0:20:570:21:01

-That's made up, love.

-No, Ma'am!

0:21:010:21:04

Yes, son. Think about it, think about it!

0:21:040:21:06

-I have, ma'am, I...

-Son, son, it rains for 40 days and 40 nights.

0:21:060:21:10

-That's right.

-And they called it a disaster.

-Yes.

0:21:100:21:12

In Ireland, we call that the fecking summer!

0:21:120:21:16

It's made up! I mean, here. What did he have on his boat? Norman, what did Norman...?

0:21:190:21:25

Are you looking up the fecking answers?

0:21:250:21:28

I'm sorry!

0:21:280:21:29

What did he have on his boat? I'll give you a hint.

0:21:300:21:34

# He had green alligators

0:21:340:21:36

# And long-necked geese

0:21:360:21:38

# Humpety-back camels

0:21:380:21:41

# And chimpanzees

0:21:410:21:42

# Cats and rats and eph-e-lants

0:21:430:21:46

# But just couldn't find him a u-ni-corn! #

0:21:480:21:51

-Come on, what did he have on the boat?

-Two of every animal.

0:21:510:21:55

-Two of every animal in the whole world!

-That's right.

0:21:550:21:58

On a fucking boat?!

0:21:580:21:59

Son, we had two hamsters for the month - they nearly shit out the house!

0:22:010:22:05

-We'd better be going now.

-No, no, wait!

0:22:070:22:10

Hold on, I'm not fecking finished!

0:22:100:22:12

The Three Wise Men! Wise?! They got fecking lost!

0:22:130:22:17

Do you know what, Granddad? It fecking suits you!

0:22:260:22:29

-Lie down!

-Hey, Mammy - Granddad looks great.

0:22:290:22:33

Doesn't he! I'm telling you, mahogany's his colour!

0:22:330:22:36

-Hi, Granddad!

-Don't talk to him, he's booking dead!

0:22:360:22:39

-What's this?

-It's Granddad's death certificate.

0:22:390:22:43

Dr Flynn was drunk - I got him to write one out.

0:22:430:22:45

You don't need a death certificate.

0:22:450:22:47

Oh, yes, I do. He's due 15,000 euro from his union the day he dies.

0:22:470:22:51

-He's retired 15 years, I'm fucked if I'm waiting any longer!

-Mammy?

0:22:510:22:56

It's not for me, it's for you two.

0:22:560:22:58

Get you started in a place of your own.

0:22:580:23:01

Thanks, Ma!

0:23:010:23:02

Ah, "Thanks, Ma" me arse! I'm fed up of yous crowding me out.

0:23:020:23:06

I have no fecking privacy. I want yous out.

0:23:060:23:09

Thank you, Mrs Brown.

0:23:110:23:12

Ah, don't thank me, love. Thank Granddad for dying prematurely!

0:23:120:23:16

-You look fantastic, Cathy!

-Thanks, Mammy. This is actually fun!

0:23:160:23:22

I know, I'm getting excited!

0:23:220:23:24

It's great practice for me,

0:23:240:23:26

cos when he does go, it'll be all I can do to stop meself doing booking cartwheels!

0:23:260:23:30

Mammy, there's loads of people arriving!

0:23:320:23:34

Oh, lovely! Now, come on, let's get this show on the fecking road!

0:23:340:23:39

Agnes, love. Aw, Jesus! I'm so sorry for your trouble, pet!

0:23:510:23:56

Thank you, Winnie. It was such a shock!

0:23:560:23:59

Where is he?

0:24:000:24:02

Winnie, did you think that was the fucking buffet?!

0:24:050:24:09

Jesus, Lord, would you look at him? Oh, God.

0:24:090:24:12

It must have been a painful passing.

0:24:120:24:14

# Oh, peace in the valley

0:24:150:24:18

# Peace where he lies... #

0:24:180:24:20

Winnie, love, that's grand.

0:24:200:24:24

Winnie, did somebody tell you it was a fecking karaoke?

0:24:260:24:28

DOOR BELL RINGS

0:24:280:24:31

They're here, get Mama Cass off the floor, Cathy!

0:24:310:24:34

God bless all in this house.

0:24:360:24:39

-Thank you, Father...

-I know.

0:24:410:24:45

-He's...

-I know.

0:24:450:24:47

-I...

-I know!

0:24:470:24:48

How do you fucking know?!

0:24:480:24:50

Will we begin?

0:24:510:24:54

-The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

-Too true! Too true!

0:24:540:24:58

-He gives us always the promise of heaven.

-And hell for the sinners!

0:24:580:25:02

Winnie, it's not a booking debate!

0:25:020:25:05

Granddad Brown was a good man.

0:25:050:25:07

-Let us recall his contribution to our lives.

-This won't take long!

0:25:090:25:14

For without him, there'd be none of you here today. No Agnes...

0:25:140:25:18

-He's not MY father.

-Mammy!

0:25:180:25:20

..none of her children, grandchildren.

0:25:200:25:22

I never thought of it that way.

0:25:220:25:24

Let us take a moment to remember him

0:25:240:25:27

Would anybody like to say a word in his memory?

0:25:270:25:30

OK, then.

0:25:340:25:35

ALL GASP

0:25:360:25:38

Has nobody anything good to say?

0:25:380:25:40

He's... He's not dead!

0:25:400:25:43

No, he's alive! Oh, my God! It's a miracle! It's a miracle, Father!

0:25:430:25:48

How did you do it, Father Quinn? How did you do it?

0:25:480:25:51

Well, I don't know. I raised my arms in the air!

0:25:510:25:54

-ALL:

-He raised his arms in the air!

0:25:540:25:57

-And then I looked up to the Lord.

-ALL:

-He looked up to the Lord!

0:25:570:26:01

# He put his hands up in the air

0:26:030:26:04

# He put his hands up in the air

0:26:040:26:06

# And he said a little prayer

0:26:060:26:08

# And he said a little prayer

0:26:080:26:09

# I've never seen the like before

0:26:090:26:11

# Never seen the like before

0:26:110:26:13

# Granddad's back from death's door

0:26:130:26:15

# Granddad's back from death's door

0:26:150:26:16

# So if your life is full of sin

0:26:160:26:18

# If your life is full of sin

0:26:180:26:20

# Just send out for Father Quinn

0:26:200:26:21

# Father Quinn, Father Quinn

0:26:210:26:23

# Father Quinn, Father Quinn

0:26:230:26:25

# Father Quinn, Father Quinn

0:26:250:26:29

# He just raised his hands on high

0:26:290:26:31

# He just raised his hands on high

0:26:310:26:32

# He asked the Lord to hear his cry

0:26:320:26:34

# Asked the Lord to hear his cry

0:26:340:26:35

# The darkest secrets from my past

0:26:350:26:37

# Darkest secrets from her past

0:26:370:26:39

# Are laid to rest for me at last

0:26:390:26:41

# Laid to rest for her at last

0:26:410:26:42

# It doesn't matter where you've been

0:26:420:26:44

# It doesn't matter where you've been

0:26:440:26:46

# Just send out for Father Quinn

0:26:460:26:48

# Father Quinn, Father Quinn

0:26:480:26:49

# Father Quinn, Father Quinn

0:26:490:26:51

# Father Quinn, Father Quinn

0:26:510:26:54

# Father Quinn, Father Quinn

0:26:560:26:59

# Father Quinn, Father Quinn

0:26:590:27:01

# You waited for a sign from him

0:27:010:27:03

# You waited for a sign from him

0:27:030:27:05

# Instead of your faith being dead

0:27:050:27:07

# Your faith being dead

0:27:070:27:09

# You worked a miracle instead

0:27:090:27:12

# Worked a miracle instead

0:27:120:27:14

# Now you have the power within

0:27:140:27:16

# Now you have the power within

0:27:160:27:18

# For God's sake, there's your sign Father Quinn!

0:27:180:27:21

# Father Quinn, Father Quinn! #

0:27:210:27:25

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:290:27:31

You see, I told you. It all works out the way it's supposed to! Now, don't sit there -

0:27:330:27:38

get up and dance! Come on!

0:27:380:27:40

# He raised his hands up high

0:27:410:27:44

# Asked the Lord to hear his cry

0:27:440:27:46

# Darkest secrets from the past... #

0:27:480:27:49

Yeah!

0:27:490:27:51

# Laid to rest for her at last

0:27:510:27:54

# Doesn't matter where you've been

0:27:540:27:56

# Just send out for Father Quinn

0:27:560:27:59

# Father Quinn, Father Quinn

0:27:590:28:00

# Father Quinn, Father Quinn

0:28:000:28:02

# Father Quinn, Father Quinn! #

0:28:020:28:05

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0:28:130:28:16

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0:28:160:28:19

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