Mammy Swings Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains strong language.

SHE LAUGHS

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.'

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #

Oh it's good to be home!

My God, Mrs Brown, it was only one night!

Is our house that bad?

Course not, Maria, no.

And it was lovely to wake up to the triplets this morning,

but I love me own bed.

Well, Mark wanted to surprise you with the finished kitchen.

So believe me, it'll be worth it!

Are you ready, Mark, love?

Nearly, just a second.

Oh, I'm not great at surprises.

I know. Remember when you found out you were pregnant on Dermot?

-Winnie!

-Sorry.

Excuse me, Mammy? Was I a mistake?

Huge!

Not to me.

After having three boys,

you must have been thrilled when I came along?

Yeah, thrilled.

Well, it's done.

There's tea on the table for everyone.

Mammy, step in for your first cup of tea in your new kitchen.

I'd like to toast Mammy on her new kitchen.

-ALL:

-Cheers!

And I want to apologise to Mammy that the new table is not here yet.

Is it, Buster?

It'll be here on Monday.

I don't want a new table. I'm keeping that one.

But Mammy, you've had that years.

Yes I have, and my mother had it before me.

Everything important in my life has happened around that table.

I was sitting at that table when your father proposed to me.

Mark, the first time I changed your nappy was on that table.

Dermot, when you went to prison, I sat at that table and I cried.

And Cathy, I can't count the amount of times I sat around that table

talking with you, after yet another one of your boyfriends fucked off.

All my memories are embedded in this table.

And most of yez were conceived on it!

Which end?

Shut up, Dermot!

Well, I agree, Mammy. You keep the table.

Yeah.

My God, a new kitchen and just in time for my wedding.

-ALL:

-Woo hoo!

And it'll be a brilliant wedding, with Maria organising the day.

What? Maria?

That's right. It's one of our wedding presents to you and Dino.

The other's a toaster.

Shut up, Buster!

But I already have one.

OK. I'll change the toaster for a sandwich maker.

No, I mean I already have a wedding organizer.

Who?

The staff at Wash & Blow arranged La La Doggy,

the fella off that telly programme,

'Don't Tell The Big Fat Gypsy Bride About The First Dance'.

La La Doggy! He is great.

But I'm sure you'll be much better, Maria, I mean, you are family.

No, no, it's fine. I just wanted to help, that's all.

I do have some good ideas, though.

Do you think would he mind me suggesting them, Rory?

Er, no. I'm sure he'll be fine with that.

Fine.

Who's this?

Ah, um, this is La La Doggy. The wedding arranger.

And you are?

Mother of the brid...

His mother.

Hello. I see we have some work to do, then.

I beg your pardon?

Mrs Brown, I expected you to be more elegant.

And I expected you to be yellow with a curly antenna,

so we're both disappointed.

La La's just going through some ideas.

Colours and the theme and that.

Theme, let me think...

Two people getting married, till death do us part...

I have an idea, here's the theme - it's a fuckin' wedding!

What are you staring at?

I was wondering what we'd put you in. Lilac maybe?

I'd like you looking a little more feminine.

He has a fuckin' point, really.

Listen, you, you're not Gok Wan.

You're not even Gok Two!

I dress myself.

La La, would you like a cup of tea?

Yes, please.

I'll get it, Rory. In a takeaway cup.

Hello.

La La, this is my sister, Cathy.

-Hello.

-Hello, La La. I'm a fan.

I love your fashion ideas.

Really?

And this is her boyfriend, Mick.

Hello!

-Hello.

-I'll see you to the door.

He just looked me up and down.

Me too!

Me too!

Well, I can understand that.

-What?

-But me?

Do you want a cup of tea, Cathy?

-Yes, please.

-Here.

Mammy, is there a guest list for the wedding reception?

I don't know, I...Rory, how does this work with guests?

I mean, do we invite your uncles and your aunties?

I suppose you can invite whoever you like.

As long as they're OK with it being a gay wedding.

None of your uncles and aunties, so.

I was wondering if I could invite Mick's parents?

-What?

-Oh, it's just that they're up in Dublin that weekend

and what with the wedding, I'll only see them for one day,

but if they can come along to the wedding...?

I've no problem with that.

Just as long as they know it's a gay wedding.

Oh, they're fine, they're broad-minded.

Actually they're very, very broad-minded.

I wouldn't like the first time I meet them to be a family event.

Could I not meet them before the wedding?

Well, they arrive up on Thursday night.

But you're on duty.

Well, invite them over here. I'll look after them.

It'll give me a chance to meet them.

Maybe not, they're a bit odd.

Odd? Like what?

To be honest with you, I wouldn't be surprised if they were swingers.

What age are they?

For God's sake, Rory, it doesn't matter what age they are.

Everybody likes a bit of swing now and then!

There ya go, pet.

Thanks.

Where ya up to now, love?

Louis Armstrong.

Louis Armstrong is coming to the wedding?

No, I'm on a different list now. Jazz singers.

Mick the Dick's parents are coming for a visit

and Mick was saying that they're swingers.

I'm trying to come up with a bit of background music.

You know, jazz stuff.

Ah, right.

Paddy Cole.

Paddy Cole. Very good, Winnie.

What's that?

Oh, I'm knitting Sharon a shawl for the wedding.

"The Virgin Wrap"?

Yeah, I thought I'd keep her, you know, right.

Winnie, it's not called Virgin Wrap because she might be...

It's called Virgin Wrap because you knit it with virgin wool.

Oh, right...

Where will I get virgin wool?

Off an ugly sheep.

Right.

Winnie, I swear to God!

Sometimes you're so feckin' naive!

Now, back to the swingers...

Hello, ladies!

What do you want, Buster?

Rory's looking to buy a car

and I think I've found the one he'd like for sale.

And does the owner know he's selling it yet?

Very good.

I just want to get him something reliable.

Not going to happen, son.

If it has tyres or testicles, you'd have trouble with it.

Do you know Rory's coming down to Foley's after work?

Let me think...

He said something about staying in tonight

and putting a patch on his marigolds.

-Did he?

-No!

I don't know is the answer, Buster.

Rory spends more time with La La Doggy these days

than he does with his own mother.

Mick, will you stop worrying about your parents?

Mammy'll just take it in her stride.

Do you think so?

Yes, she'll handle whatever pops up.

You know what I mean.

You're right. I'm sure with six children,

-there's very little that could shock your mother.

-Exactly.

Like what?

What?

Well, what might pop up that might shock Mammy?

Oh, no, no, I don't mean anything specific. It's just...

my father's liable to go in there with no inhibitions, you know.

Mammy'll be fine.

Mind you, if he goes too far,

he's liable to end up with his inhibitions cut off and in a bag!

What's the name of that count?

Count Basie!

Count Basie.

THEY LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY

I'd wish you'd have let me cook something for you.

Oh, not at all. We ate at the hotel.

We're just fine, aren't we, Poochie?

Yes, we are, my little cheerleader.

Go, Poochie! Go, Poochie! I LOVE YOU!

SHE FORCES A LAUGH

That's nice.

Well, it's lovely to meet you at last.

I was a bit of a swinger meself back in the day.

Back in the day! Stop that now.

I bet you could swing along with the best of us even now.

Well, no, I...

Well, yeah...

Oh, it's been so long.

And I bet you'd like to see more of us.

Well, we'll see how the romance goes with Cathy and Mick.

Ah, the young love birds.

Yes.

Well, just so's you know,

you won't be disappointed.

I have a huge penis.

Actually, so have I.

I'll get more drinks.

What a pair of fruitcakes!

How's it going, Agnes?

Winnie, they're odd.

She's like a feckin' teenager!

And he...

Yeah?

He says he has a huge cock!

Get out, do it again!

Pair of fuckin' oddballs!

How's it going, Agnes?

Oh Winnie, they're odd.

She thinks she's a teenager and he...

Yeah?

He says he has a huge penis!

Agnes, they all say that, love.

Not when they're a guest in somebody's sitting room, they don't!

-I suppose. Is there anything you need, love?

-No.

I'm going to give them some wine and I'm going to put on a bit of jazz.

That might calm them down. I'll see ya, love.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

Ah, jazz! Very nice!

Now you're talking.

Now, how about a bit of fun?

There ya go, pet.

Oh, Winnie...

..his willy!

It was like one of the candles in St Jarlath's Church!

That had been burning all through Easter week!

Well, Mammy, Mick did try to warn ya.

And his wife. Not a stitch on her!

Just stood there with her titties hanging down.

One each side of her belly button!

They were swingers, Mammy!

They certainly were!

Every time she feckin' moved!

What she needed was a good bra.

For God's sake.

So, what do you think, Rory?

I love the colour. It's a nice car, isn't it, Dino?

Aye, but it seems really hard to stop it.

Awww, that's just, er, a bit of air in the brake line.

New brakes, you see. You just need to pump it!

It'll be gone in a day or two.

Rory, will you keep them calm in here?

Your mammy's after having a close encounter of the willy kind!

Are you OK, Mammy?

I'm fine, love.

I'm sure that willy winked at me!

Right, well, here's your car keys. Good luck with your new car.

See yas!

Did you get a new car, Rory?

Yes, I did!

WE did.

Oh, sorry, Dino. WE did.

It's lovely.

C'mon, I'll give you a spin in it.

-Look who I bumped into!

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

Hello, Father Damien. Trevor, get Father Damien a cup of tea.

Ah, no, thanks.

Father Damien, I'm glad you called around.

I wanted to make some arrangement to have Rory's marriage

blessed in the church. Would Saturday be a good day?

Mrs Brown, Rory and Dino

will never be married in the eyes of the church.

I know that. I'm just looking for a blessing of some sort.

Perhaps you could explain it better, Trevor?

Ah, no, I believe this one is all yours.

Look, the church won't bless something

it not only doesn't recognise, but is against.

Exactly what is it against?

The church's position on marriage

is that it can only exist between a man and a woman.

I know that, but what's the church's position on love?

Sorry?

Er, well...

Well, there are many different types of love.

I mean, like love for one's family

is completely different to love for one's... Let's say pet.

Really? And what's the difference?

-Sorry?

-Explain the difference between those two loves.

-Well, well... It's like...

-Look, Father,

I know Rory and Dino would need the Pope's permission

to get married in the church,

but they don't need anybody's permission to fall in love.

And as for the ceremony, I don't give a shite

if they jump over a brush!

But you show me in any Bible anywhere

where Jesus Christ refused to sanctify love.

Would you like me to show you out, Father?

Yes, I think so.

La La should be here any minute now.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

Now, Mammy, you just let La La get on with it.

Don't interfere.

Excuse me, I speak my mind! I'm not going to sit here

with me mouth shut if this gobshite is taking rubbish!

Mammy, tonight is about Rory and Dino's wedding.

Sorry, you're right. Hello, Tinky-Winky!

It's La La.

Of course it is.

A far more sensible name.

So, what's the big wedding idea?

An underwater wedding.

Brilliant!

Wow.

He's off his fuckin' trolley!

Me hat'll get ruined!

No, no, we all wear wetsuits and oxygen tanks.

That'll be a marvellous wedding album.

"Who's that with the snorkel?"

"Fucked if I know, they all look the same to me!"

Rory, you can't even swim!

That's right. What's the chances of drowning?

100%, I'd say.

I'd like to suggest something more traditional.

I've actually drawn pictures.

We don't want to see pictures!

If my wife wants to show pictures, she shows pictures!

Thanks, love.

The theme is pure love.

The happy couple are in white suits

and you walk down the aisle to the song Nights In White Satin.

Ah, now, Maria, now you're talking!

Boring!

It's a gay wedding, it has to make a statement.

-Why?

-What?

Why does it have to be a gay wedding?

Why does it have to make a statement?

Why can't it just be that Rory and Dino are in love

and they want to commit themselves with that love

together for the rest of their lives?

We don't need a circus,

we don't need wetsuits and feckin' oxygen tanks!

My idea's much better!

-It's an underwater wedding!

-That's silly!

Shut up, the two of yas!

Now look, there's only two people driving this

and that's Rory and Dino.

It's up to them to choose the wedding that THEY want.

So, boys, what's it going to be?

Oh, Dino, what do you think?

I don't know, what do you think?

Oh, I don't know, what do you think?

Oh, I don't know!

For Christ's sake! One of yas decide.

We're missing Strictly Come Dancing!

-ALL:

-Strictly!

-Where's the remote control?

-You bastards!

The whole lot of you!

Rory! Rory, love!

Well, I think we all know who's to blame for that!

We certainly do.

Yes, we do.

Grandad, ya bastard.

Why did you rush them?

-Hiya, Winnie.

-How are ya, love?

-Cup of tea, love?

-Oh, I'd love one! Cheers.

Where's the milk?

In the fridge.

Where's the fridge?

I'm fucked if I know!

I know a fridge door when I see one, and I don't see one in this kitchen.

Jesus, a new kitchen and they forget the fridge!

MICROWAVE PINGS

Oh, you're just in time. I baked a cake in the microwave.

I've never baked in a microwave.

Me neither! They give you a recipe book and all with it.

Just a small slice for me, Agnes.

What the hell is that?

You need a bigger cake tin.

No, no, it wasn't like that when it went in.

That oven's shite!

-Well, you can tell her.

-No, you tell her.

-No!

Well, somebody's going to have to tell her.

No way! It should be a family member.

You married into this family. You're a Brown now.

I want a divorce!

Come on, Dermot! You're her favourite.

She's less likely to kill you.

OK, but I'm telling her through the hatch.

That way I can make a run for it.

Hiya, Mammy.

Hello, son.

You're just in time.

Come in, I have cake.

Er, no, you're fine.

I'll stay here.

I spoke to Rory.

Oh, good - he was very upset last night.

Me too! Nicky in the dance-off on Strictly!

No! About the wedding.

Oh.

You tell him to get home here as soon as he can.

We'll make it work. Won't we, son?

The thing is, Mammy...

Open that door! You know how quick she can move!

The thing is, Rory and Dino got married this morning.

Just the two of them, on their own.

Did you hear me, Mammy?

Where the hell has she gone?

Jesus!

Rory did what? Why? When?

Married. This morning.

-Without his mother?

-Yes!

-Just like that?

-Just like that.

Rory, you're here! Thank God!

Out of the way, Cathy, move!

Come back here, you bastard!

Maria, is this true?

First I heard of it!

Let me go and check with Dermot.

Freeze!

It's true, Mammy. I'm so sorry.

Well, there's only one thing to be said, isn't there?

Thank fuck!

-What?

-Good man, Rory!

What is it, Agnes?

Rory and Dino, they've eloped.

Ah, feck it! And after me buying new flippers!

They might take them back.

Mammy, you don't mind about there not being a big wedding?

Mind?

I don't want to see my Rory as a tit in white satin.

Or drowning in a tankful of seahorses.

I want to see my Rory as my Rory.

So do I.

Good, well, you get in touch with him then.

Tell him to get home. Him and Dino, his husband,

to get back here as quick as they can.

We'll throw a surprise party for them!

That's a great idea!

Cup of tea, love?

I have it, Mammy.

Where did you get that milk?

In the fridge!

They hid the fuckin' fridge!

What the hell is that?

It's a cake I baked in the microwave.

It's no good, Cathy.

Well, did you follow every bit of the recipe?

Every bit. Three eggs, cup of milk,

45 ounces of flour.

"Four to five ounces of flour."

I can't believe we're getting three series out of that fuckin' joke!

Right, that's 50 balloons there.

Just pull that string and they'll all come down together.

Right, that'll be your job.

We all come out of hiding in the kitchen and shout "Surprise",

you pull the string.

-Pull the string...OK.

-You'd better hide behind that chair.

Winnie, I don't know if I've ever been more excited!

-Remember that coach trip when you whipped off your knickers?

-Winnie!

I'm just making a comment, not a fuckin' comparison!

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

That's them, everybody! Into the kitchen!

Quick, quick!

Surprise!

Buster, for feck's sake!

Does that look like a gay couple to you?

Gather up those balloons and put them back in.

Look, everyone, Rory wouldn't ring the doorbell.

And I told him to honk his horn when he's coming up the road.

So don't be panicking. We'll have plenty of time to hide.

Father Damien, what are you doing here?

Like the rest of you, I came to celebrate the happy couple.

I thought you didn't accept gay marriage?

No, Mrs Brown. I said the church was against it.

I'm happy to celebrate love in whatever shape it comes.

-HORN HONKS

-That's them. Places!

I think I'm going to wet meself with excitement!

-Mammy...

-What?

You deserve this moment.

Thanks, love. Here we go!

CAR APPROACHES

TYRES SCREECH

BANG

Surprise!

AIRBAG POPS

RORY SQUEALS

LOCKS BEEP

Mammy, I'm so sorry!

Mammy, say something!

I didn't like this fuckin' kitchen anyway!

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

# Go grease lightning You're burning up the quarter mile.

# Grease lightning Go grease lightning!

# Go grease lightning, you're coasting through the heat lap trial

# Grease lightning Go grease lightning!

-# You are supreme

-Ah-ah

-The chicks'll scream

-Ah-ah

-# For grease lightning!

-Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

# Go grease lightning You're burning up the quarter mile

# Grease lightning Go grease lightning!

# Go grease lightning, you're coasting through the heat lap trial

# Grease lightning Go grease lightning!

-# You are supreme

-Ah-ah

-The chicks'll scream

-Ah-ah

# For grease lightning!

# Lightning!

# Lightning! #

Good night!

Here we go!

MUSIC: "Greased Lightning" from Grease

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!