January Mum

This programme contains some strong language

SHE RINGS THE DOORBELL

'I'll get it.'

-Hiya.

-Oh.

-Got a delivery.

-Oh, thanks.

-Thought that was Kelly.

-No, no.

-Who are they from?

-Erm...

-George and Jenny.

-George and Jenny?

-Yeah.

-Who's that?

-No idea.

-HE LAUGHS

George and Jenny...

I went to school with a Jenny, but she hated my guts.

-Did she?

-Yeah. Can you get me a vase, love?

Erm... I might just use a vase, actually.

No, it's fine. It's easier.

Lovely.

-It's just an easier way of doing it.

-Yeah.

DOORBELL

That'll be Kelly.

-Hello! Nice to meet you.

-Yes! And you, Kelly.

Oh. Oh. Sorry.

Sorry. I never know whether to, erm...

-Don't worry.

-Was it nice?

-Yeah.

-Good. Erm...

Well, come through. Come through into the living room. Make yourself at home.

I just wanted to say, actually, Cathy.

I've, erm, I've had a bit of a problem with my dress.

-OK.

-My mum washed the wrong black dress and it's really short, isn't it?

You can see her bum.

Yeah. And was like, "Mum, this is Jason's dad's funeral!

"I can't go to Jason's dad's funeral with my bum out, can I!?"

So, erm...

It's the only one I had that was, like, respectful

or, like, long enough.

Also, I'm sorry about my roots.

Well, I think you look absolutely lovely, Kelly.

And it's so nice of you to come.

-Dave would've been very touched.

-Oh.

Wow. Erm...

-I'll show you the kitchen.

-Cool.

Well, it's so nice to meet you at last, Kelly.

-A shame it's on such a sad occasion.

-Yeah.

Erm...

Sorry, I didn't have any breakfast.

Oh, that's OK.

Do you want the lid?

Erm, I'm all right.

I just wanted to say, actually, Cathy.

I'm so sorry about the death of your husband.

Oh, thanks. Yeah.

And he took so long to die.

Yeah.

-Can I get you anything to drink?

-No.

Thanks, Cathy. It'll only make me wee.

-I do like coffee, though.

-It's nice, isn't it?

Yeah. It's bitter.

Has Jason told you about my loyalty card?

-No.

-Which means, basically, my next cup of coffee's free.

-Wow.

-It's a good system, isn't it, Mum?

Yeah, that does sound very good. Well done.

-They get the coffee beans from Peru.

-No.

-Yeah.

-Peru?

You can actually see the sacks they arrived in.

The first coffee I bought was what's known as a latte.

-Sorry, Kelly, I'm just going to, erm...

-Yeah.

# I got my ticket for the long way round

-# Two bottle for the way... #

-Morning.

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone... #

Morning!

-Oh hi. You all right?

-Hello.

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# The one with the prettiest views

# It's got mountains, it's got rivers, it's got woods

# That will give you shivers

# But it sure would be prettier with you

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# When I'm gone

# You're going to miss me when I'm gone. #

-Here she is! Big sis!

-Hello!

-Haven't you grown!

-HE LAUGHS

-I always say that, don't I?

-Yeah, it's great.

Oh, you remember Pauline?

Yeah. Nice to see you again. Thanks for coming.

No, not at all. I love a funeral.

Good.

Tea? I've just made them for Jason.

Thank you.

How are you feeling? Yeah, fine.

-I'm sure it'll hit me later, but I'm trying...

-Is this from a pot?

Sorry to interrupt, Cathy. Did you make this tea in a pot?

-Er, no.

-Right.

-Is that OK?

-Yes, of course.

-Sugar?

-Well, it's going to need some flavour, isn't it, Cathy?

THEY LAUGH

DOORBELL

-All right, Michael?

-All right, Jason, you OK?

Yeah, you know. I'm trying to look after my mum, really.

-Help with the flowers.

-That's nice.

Yeah. Ironed my own shirt.

Well done, mate.

She's in there.

Michael's here!

Garden's looking nice. What happened about your pond?

Oh. No, we didn't get one in the end.

What stopped you getting a pond? Realise it was tacky?

Erm... No.

-Oo! Cake!

-Mmmm!

-Lovely.

Oh, please. Take it all. It'll only go to waste.

-I will. Looks great!

-Yes.

-Yeah. I made it myself.

-Sorry, Cathy, can I borrow some knickers?

Erm...

And I just thought, "Oh, blimey, I should probably be wearing some."

Michael, this is Kelly, Jason's girlfriend.

Kelly, this is Michael, an old, old friend of ours.

Hiya. Pleased to meet you.

And you. Yeah. Erm...

I'm sorry to hear about your dead friend.

-Thanks.

-Shall we, erm...

Yes!

Sorry. Was that all right? I never know what to say.

-Don't worry.

-I've only ever been to one funeral, and that was when my dog died.

-I played the vicar.

-Did you?

-Yeah, I was really good, actually.

Wait that's you?!

-Yeah.

-No!

-Yeah.

I can't believe that's you. You look so pretty.

Thanks.

I can't believe you got married in brown.

What was wrong with you?

-It was the fashion back then.

-No!

-Yeah.

Aw! That's cute.

People were so funny in the olden days.

When me and Jason get married, I'm wearing white.

-Shall we?

-Yeah.

Can I just ask, is it awkward that I'm borrowing your knickers?

No, Kelly, it happens all the time.

Does it?

Last time I was here, it was all about the pond.

-Don't sit there.

-Why not?

Look at it.

And don't stand like that. For god's sake, Derek.

I can't believe I have to tell you how to stand.

Yeah, sorry.

-They're off.

-(OK, well, don't say anything to her.)

-They've gone white, Derek.

-(Yeah, but don't say anything.)

You all right, Uncle Derek?

Ask him.

All right, Jason, lad. Sorry about that.

I was just sorting something out with Pauline. How you doing, mate?

Yeah, you know. Trying to help Mum, really.

-She's looking good, though.

-Yeah, she's been amazing

And you? You coping all right?

Yeah, you know. Just need to get through today, really.

Hmm!

-It must be so hard for you, losing your husband.

-Yeah.

It's not been great, but I've had a long time to prepare, so...

Yeah. When my dog died, he'd been through chemo

and also they cut his leg off and put him on wheels, so we were

all, like, he's bound to die now, and then he got hit by a lorry.

OK.

-Shall I stop talking about my dog?

-That's my knicker drawer.

-Right.

So help yourself to anything you need.

I'm just going to pop to the toilet.

Number one or number two?

I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

It's literally none of my business what you get up to in there.

Don't worry, love.

Oh, Michael, hello.

-Yeah.

-You OK?

Yeah. You?

Yeah.

(Kelly's just borrowing a pair of my knickers.)

Oh, lovely.

Pauline.

She's a lovely little thing. She's a real looker.

Isn't she?

Yeah.

She's been in an advert.

But at the same time - and this is rare for a good-looking woman -

she's also got a good personality.

She was sort of wondering about getting to the crematorium,

if there's any room for her in the funeral car?

-Erm...

-It's fine. Sorry. Don't worry.

I don't want to make things difficult for you.

No, you're not. You're not. She'll understand.

She's a very reasonable person.

You looked lovely. You both did.

You had a good dance with my mum.

Mmm. Lucky me.

Oh, don't. She always talked about that.

Beautiful day. Beautiful wedding.

You were so nice about me in your speech.

It was all lies.

THEY CHUCKLE

Do you remember when we hid in your car

so I could have a fag without my dad seeing?

Oh, yeah! I remember.

Pair of bloody idiots.

-Have you knocked?

-No. They've been in there for quite a while.

You have to give it a little shove. Do you want to go first?

No, no, you go ahead, I'll be ages.

-Oh!

-No, I didn't... No, I didn't, didn't mean that.

-You sure?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go right ahead.

-I won't be long.

-No, it's fine. You take as long as it takes, as long as you need.

I'll be right here. Don't worry, I won't be listening.

CHILDREN PLAY NOISILY OUTSIDE

DOORBELL

That's it, Maureen! Nearly there!

I'm in constant pain, Cathy.

OK.

She's faking it, the fat slag.

All right, Reg.

I need water!

Hello, Nan, Grandad, you all right?

They've put me on another load of new pills!

Oh, no!

They're the same pills! They're in a different box!

-Thick bitch.

-Why have you changed the windows?

Er, we haven't, Maureen.

They're the same windows as the last time you were here.

Why is she lying to me about changing the windows?!

-She hasn't! They're the same windows! Why would she change the windows?

-That's what I want to know!

-Kelly, let me introduce you.

-Hello!

This is Dave's parents, Maureen and Reg.

Maureen and Reg, this is Kelly, Jason's new girlfriend.

It's nice to meet you both at last.

I'm so sorry about your loss.

Thank you, yeah. It's been very hard.

-You shouldn't have to bury your own child.

-No.

God.

Well, you'd think they'd do that for you.

Oh, no... I see what you mean, yes. Sorry, sorry...

-It's OK, Kelly.

-I thought you meant you actually had to dig...

Kelly? Your mum washed the wrong black dress, didn't she?

-That's why you're in bright red.

-Yes!

I've got two black dresses, one of them's a bit like...

My ex-boyfriend used to like it when I... I dunno how to put it.

-We don't need to know.

-True. True. Sorry.

-Yeah, and the other one's a bit more like...

-Is she speaking to me?

-Yeah, she is.

-I can't hear a word you're saying.

I've got two black dresses, Maureen!

-She's got two! Black! Dresses!

-Kelly?

-What is wrong with me?

-Don't worry about it. Honestly.

My mum's like, "Kelly, think before you speak," and I'm like,

"I do." And then I think they're

-actually going to make him bury his own son.

-Yes, keep moving.

Seriously, Cathy. I was picturing him with a shovel. "He's 100 years old!

-"He shouldn't be doing that!" Do you know what I mean?

-Keep moving.

-Honestly.

It's like my brain's made of bananas.

-Nan, where do you want your water?

-He wants to know where to put your water!

-Oh, shut your face, you stupid old man.

-I'll leave it here.

Thanks, Jason.

Jason's such an amazing boyfriend.

And he's coped so well with his dad and everything.

Yeah. He's been very strong.

Yeah, and he's so intelligent!

Yeah.

You won't lose my page, will you, love?

No.

Yeah, no, it's great, really.

-He's so much better than my ex.

-Good.

-Yeah.

Yeah. My ex was like...

Well, if you met him, you'd think he's nice because he'd be nice to you

because you're you, but he wasn't very nice to me, if I'm honest.

-He used to sort of control me and stuff.

-Oh, no.

Yeah. He used to call me names and things,

and then towards the end, it all got a little bit physical.

Oh, God, Kelly. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well.

I'm, like, over it now, I got myself out of it,

-put it all behind me, so...

-Yeah, but that must've been very hard for you, love.

Yeah, well. SHE LAUGHS

Is Jason, erm...

Sorry if this isn't the sort of thing to say at a

funeral, but has Jason said anything to you about asking me to marry him?

Erm... No. No.

What makes you think he might?

Well, you've only been going out a few months.

Yeah, but they've been the best few months of my life.

You're both still young, aren't you?

Not really, Cathy. I'm 26.

-Oh!

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-JASON:

-'Mum? The hearse is here.'

-OK, love!

-Rubbish.

-OK, fine. But I did.

-Shut up.

-OK, fine.

-You didn't invent it.

-I did! I've been saying it for years.

-Shut up!

-I'd be like seven years old or something,

and somebody would drop, like, a plate or something, and I'd be like,

-"Keep calm and carry on."

-HE LAUGHS

It's true!

Or like, we'd be late for school and I'd be like, "It's all right, Mum, keep calm and carry on."

HE LAUGHS

"Keep calm and carry on." It was my thing.

You must've heard it off someone.

-No! Because I remember inventing it when I was...

-Careful.

-We'll be out in a minute!

-Whenever you're ready, Cathy!

-Thanks.

Yeah, so, anyway, the point is, like, one minute it's my phrase,

I'm saying it round the house and that, next minute,

-everyone's got it on a bloody T-shirt.

-HE LAUGHS

-Pardon?!

-It's a buffet, Maureen.

What's she saying?!

It's a buffet!

What are we having?

I think it's just sandwiches, crisps, sausage rolls, that sort of thing.

-The pub are doing it.

-What flavour crisps?

I dunno, Reg. It's just a buffet.

I'll have a ham sandwich and half a sausage roll!

You can help yourself, Maureen. It's a buffet.

Have they got any eggs?

-Is there mayo in the sandwiches?

-Have they got any eggs?!

I don't know, Reg. It's just a normal buffet.

I'll have an egg-and-ham sandwich!

It's a buffet, Maureen! You help yourself!

Don't worry about the mayo, Cathy.

I'll ask the waiter when he takes my order.

What did you order?

I'm going to talk to the waiter about it.

Pardon?

I'm going to talk to the waiter!

-You all right, Cathy?

-Yeah.

Um, the hearse is here, but I can't find my, er...

I can't find my glasses.

I keep putting them down and forgetting where I've put them.

Oh!

SHE SIGHS

More flowers. Who are they from?

Hello again.

-Hi.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

Can I ask about this pond?

Pauline?

No, I'm just interested.

What was it, Cathy? Water feature?

Couple of fish?

Little bench for the two of you?

I just thought it'd be nice, but Dave didn't like

-the ones at B&Q so...

-B&Q! Of course you went to B&Q!

They're off, by the way.

Sorry.

Oh, don't apologise. Too late for that.

Nice cake, Cathy.

Thanks.

Get us another bit.

Just one minute.

-Pauline?

-Hello again, Catherine.

-Oh, hi.

I see you put some flowers in a pint glass.

-Yeah.

-What a lovely touch.

So, erm, what's happening after we've, er,

after we've, erm, you know...

..when we've "said goodbye"?

Well, we're all just going to The Crown. They're doing a buffet.

Oh, nice. Lovely. That sounds nice, doesn't it?

Yes. A buffet in a pub. How authentic.

What does that involve, in practice?

Well, it's just sandwiches,

sausage rolls, pork pies, that sort of thing.

Great.

They've also got a menu.

Oh, thank God for that!

SHE CHORTLES TIGHTLY

OK, I know this is silly, but I can't find my glasses

and I've looked everywhere.

Pauline! Bloody hell!

I know she just thinks she's posh

and if Dave had done to me what her husband did to her,

do you know what? I'd be a mess, too,

and I know I shouldn't let her wind me up,

but, Jesus, she's a fucking twat!

I mean, the things she comes out with! Honestly!

She thinks she's being subtle, but bloody hell!

And I thought I'd be OK today.

Because I've been preparing myself, haven't I?

I've thought it through. I have.

I've thought about it every night since he told me what was going on

and he'd be all, "Oh, it'll be OK, it'll be fine, don't worry",

because I don't think he actually believed he could die, did he?

But I was preparing myself and I was googling it

and I was reading up on it because I knew it'd end like this.

I knew it would.

And I've been through all that with my mum and dad, haven't I?

And the problems we had having Jason,

and that was horrible and I coped with that, so I thought I'd be OK.

But...honestly, Michael.

Jesus Christ.

I miss him so much.

Not the Dave that we had in the hospital,

but the Dave who used to make me laugh.

It feels like it's been ages since I laughed.

And if he'd been here today we'd be hiding in here together

and we'd be laughing about what a prat Pauline is.

And now look at me.

People keep buying me bloody flowers.

What am I going to do with them?

Pauline!

I can't believe I'm letting Pauline get to me.

And I know this is ridiculous and I know I'm being silly, but the hearse

is here and we need to get going and I cannot find my bloody glasses!

Are they in any way similar

to the ones on your head?

That is so embarrassing, Michael.

Honestly. I'm going senile.

No, you're not.

Honestly. I've been looking for them for ages.

Oh, yeah, now you come to mention it, it's a bit worrying.

Yeah, thanks. You were a great help.

Oh, what a wally.

Getting all upset, going on like that

and being mean about poor Pauline,

going round looking for my glasses when they're on my bloody head!

I'm losing it.

-No, you're not.

-I need to buy about ten pairs and put them in a drawer.

-I'm definitely losing it!

-You're not losing it, Cathy.

Well, anyway, congratulations on finding your glasses.

I'll see you down at the crematorium.

Are we coming back here later?

No, there's a buffet at The Crown.

Oh, good. They do a lovely spread.

You OK?

Yeah, fine.

We were going to do it for your anniversary.

You ready, Mum?

Yep.

All right, Maureen?

-OK?

-Thanks, Reg.

Careful, Derek. Don't drop her.

Leave her. She can walk.

Derek! You'll drop her!

Oh, wow, Cathy. You look so lovely.

Thanks, Kelly.

Can I get a photo? Show my mum?

Er, shall we just get going?

Good idea. I'll take it when we get there.

Do you need a hug?

I'm all right, actually, thanks, Kelly.

Do you want to feel my coat?

Thanks.

I'm just trying to think of ways to make you happy.

I know.

I've got some Rolos in my bag.

I'm all right.

She won't be a minute.

Sorry.

I don't want my tummy rumbling during the service!

Don't worry.

I've just need to put my gloves on. Sorry.

I always get hungry.

Do you get hungry, Cathy?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, me too.

What do you do when you get hungry, Kelly?

Erm... I usually eat something, don't I?

-Yeah.

-And that stops you being hungry, does it?

Yeah.

Wow.

Well, that's why you feel hungry, isn't it?

Because it's your tummy's way of...

Are you taking the mickey out of me?

No...

Cathy! You're so naughty!

One minute.

Oh, for God's sake. You're kidding me.

Bloody things.

You've got to be kidding me.

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottle of whisky for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# And I'm leavin' tomorrow What do you say?

# When I'm gone When I'm go-o-one

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

# Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #