January Mum


January

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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SHE RINGS THE DOORBELL

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'I'll get it.'

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-Hiya.

-Oh.

-Got a delivery.

-Oh, thanks.

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-Thought that was Kelly.

-No, no.

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-Who are they from?

-Erm...

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-George and Jenny.

-George and Jenny?

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-Yeah.

-Who's that?

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-No idea.

-HE LAUGHS

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George and Jenny...

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I went to school with a Jenny, but she hated my guts.

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-Did she?

-Yeah. Can you get me a vase, love?

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Erm... I might just use a vase, actually.

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No, it's fine. It's easier.

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Lovely.

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-It's just an easier way of doing it.

-Yeah.

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DOORBELL

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That'll be Kelly.

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-Hello! Nice to meet you.

-Yes! And you, Kelly.

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Oh. Oh. Sorry.

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Sorry. I never know whether to, erm...

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-Don't worry.

-Was it nice?

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-Yeah.

-Good. Erm...

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Well, come through. Come through into the living room. Make yourself at home.

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I just wanted to say, actually, Cathy.

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I've, erm, I've had a bit of a problem with my dress.

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-OK.

-My mum washed the wrong black dress and it's really short, isn't it?

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You can see her bum.

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Yeah. And was like, "Mum, this is Jason's dad's funeral!

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"I can't go to Jason's dad's funeral with my bum out, can I!?"

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So, erm...

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It's the only one I had that was, like, respectful

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or, like, long enough.

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Also, I'm sorry about my roots.

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Well, I think you look absolutely lovely, Kelly.

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And it's so nice of you to come.

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-Dave would've been very touched.

-Oh.

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Wow. Erm...

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-I'll show you the kitchen.

-Cool.

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Well, it's so nice to meet you at last, Kelly.

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-A shame it's on such a sad occasion.

-Yeah.

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Erm...

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Sorry, I didn't have any breakfast.

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Oh, that's OK.

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Do you want the lid?

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Erm, I'm all right.

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I just wanted to say, actually, Cathy.

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I'm so sorry about the death of your husband.

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Oh, thanks. Yeah.

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And he took so long to die.

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Yeah.

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-Can I get you anything to drink?

-No.

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Thanks, Cathy. It'll only make me wee.

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-I do like coffee, though.

-It's nice, isn't it?

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Yeah. It's bitter.

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Has Jason told you about my loyalty card?

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-No.

-Which means, basically, my next cup of coffee's free.

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-Wow.

-It's a good system, isn't it, Mum?

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Yeah, that does sound very good. Well done.

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-They get the coffee beans from Peru.

-No.

-Yeah.

-Peru?

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You can actually see the sacks they arrived in.

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The first coffee I bought was what's known as a latte.

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-Sorry, Kelly, I'm just going to, erm...

-Yeah.

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# I got my ticket for the long way round

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-# Two bottle for the way... #

-Morning.

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# And I sure would like some sweet company

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# Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

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-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

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-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

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# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone... #

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Morning!

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-Oh hi. You all right?

-Hello.

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# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

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# I got my ticket for the long way round

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# The one with the prettiest views

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# It's got mountains, it's got rivers, it's got woods

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# That will give you shivers

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# But it sure would be prettier with you

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-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

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# When I'm gone

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# You're going to miss me when I'm gone. #

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-Here she is! Big sis!

-Hello!

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-Haven't you grown!

-HE LAUGHS

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-I always say that, don't I?

-Yeah, it's great.

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Oh, you remember Pauline?

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Yeah. Nice to see you again. Thanks for coming.

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No, not at all. I love a funeral.

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Good.

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Tea? I've just made them for Jason.

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Thank you.

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How are you feeling? Yeah, fine.

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-I'm sure it'll hit me later, but I'm trying...

-Is this from a pot?

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Sorry to interrupt, Cathy. Did you make this tea in a pot?

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-Er, no.

-Right.

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-Is that OK?

-Yes, of course.

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-Sugar?

-Well, it's going to need some flavour, isn't it, Cathy?

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THEY LAUGH

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DOORBELL

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-All right, Michael?

-All right, Jason, you OK?

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Yeah, you know. I'm trying to look after my mum, really.

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-Help with the flowers.

-That's nice.

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Yeah. Ironed my own shirt.

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Well done, mate.

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She's in there.

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Michael's here!

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Garden's looking nice. What happened about your pond?

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Oh. No, we didn't get one in the end.

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What stopped you getting a pond? Realise it was tacky?

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Erm... No.

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-Oo! Cake!

-Mmmm!

-Lovely.

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Oh, please. Take it all. It'll only go to waste.

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-I will. Looks great!

-Yes.

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-Yeah. I made it myself.

-Sorry, Cathy, can I borrow some knickers?

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Erm...

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And I just thought, "Oh, blimey, I should probably be wearing some."

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Michael, this is Kelly, Jason's girlfriend.

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Kelly, this is Michael, an old, old friend of ours.

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Hiya. Pleased to meet you.

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And you. Yeah. Erm...

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I'm sorry to hear about your dead friend.

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-Thanks.

-Shall we, erm...

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Yes!

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Sorry. Was that all right? I never know what to say.

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-Don't worry.

-I've only ever been to one funeral, and that was when my dog died.

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-I played the vicar.

-Did you?

-Yeah, I was really good, actually.

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Wait that's you?!

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-Yeah.

-No!

-Yeah.

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I can't believe that's you. You look so pretty.

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Thanks.

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I can't believe you got married in brown.

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What was wrong with you?

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-It was the fashion back then.

-No!

-Yeah.

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Aw! That's cute.

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People were so funny in the olden days.

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When me and Jason get married, I'm wearing white.

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-Shall we?

-Yeah.

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Can I just ask, is it awkward that I'm borrowing your knickers?

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No, Kelly, it happens all the time.

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Does it?

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Last time I was here, it was all about the pond.

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-Don't sit there.

-Why not?

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Look at it.

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And don't stand like that. For god's sake, Derek.

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I can't believe I have to tell you how to stand.

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Yeah, sorry.

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-They're off.

-(OK, well, don't say anything to her.)

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-They've gone white, Derek.

-(Yeah, but don't say anything.)

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You all right, Uncle Derek?

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Ask him.

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All right, Jason, lad. Sorry about that.

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I was just sorting something out with Pauline. How you doing, mate?

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Yeah, you know. Trying to help Mum, really.

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-She's looking good, though.

-Yeah, she's been amazing

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And you? You coping all right?

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Yeah, you know. Just need to get through today, really.

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Hmm!

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-It must be so hard for you, losing your husband.

-Yeah.

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It's not been great, but I've had a long time to prepare, so...

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Yeah. When my dog died, he'd been through chemo

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and also they cut his leg off and put him on wheels, so we were

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all, like, he's bound to die now, and then he got hit by a lorry.

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OK.

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-Shall I stop talking about my dog?

-That's my knicker drawer.

-Right.

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So help yourself to anything you need.

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I'm just going to pop to the toilet.

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Number one or number two?

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I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

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It's literally none of my business what you get up to in there.

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Don't worry, love.

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Oh, Michael, hello.

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-Yeah.

-You OK?

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Yeah. You?

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Yeah.

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(Kelly's just borrowing a pair of my knickers.)

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Oh, lovely.

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Pauline.

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She's a lovely little thing. She's a real looker.

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Isn't she?

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Yeah.

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She's been in an advert.

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But at the same time - and this is rare for a good-looking woman -

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she's also got a good personality.

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She was sort of wondering about getting to the crematorium,

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if there's any room for her in the funeral car?

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-Erm...

-It's fine. Sorry. Don't worry.

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I don't want to make things difficult for you.

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No, you're not. You're not. She'll understand.

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She's a very reasonable person.

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You looked lovely. You both did.

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You had a good dance with my mum.

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Mmm. Lucky me.

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Oh, don't. She always talked about that.

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Beautiful day. Beautiful wedding.

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You were so nice about me in your speech.

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It was all lies.

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THEY CHUCKLE

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Do you remember when we hid in your car

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so I could have a fag without my dad seeing?

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Oh, yeah! I remember.

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Pair of bloody idiots.

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-Have you knocked?

-No. They've been in there for quite a while.

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You have to give it a little shove. Do you want to go first?

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No, no, you go ahead, I'll be ages.

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-Oh!

-No, I didn't... No, I didn't, didn't mean that.

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-You sure?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go right ahead.

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-I won't be long.

-No, it's fine. You take as long as it takes, as long as you need.

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I'll be right here. Don't worry, I won't be listening.

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CHILDREN PLAY NOISILY OUTSIDE

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DOORBELL

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That's it, Maureen! Nearly there!

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I'm in constant pain, Cathy.

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OK.

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She's faking it, the fat slag.

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All right, Reg.

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I need water!

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Hello, Nan, Grandad, you all right?

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They've put me on another load of new pills!

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Oh, no!

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They're the same pills! They're in a different box!

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-Thick bitch.

-Why have you changed the windows?

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Er, we haven't, Maureen.

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They're the same windows as the last time you were here.

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Why is she lying to me about changing the windows?!

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-She hasn't! They're the same windows! Why would she change the windows?

-That's what I want to know!

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-Kelly, let me introduce you.

-Hello!

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This is Dave's parents, Maureen and Reg.

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Maureen and Reg, this is Kelly, Jason's new girlfriend.

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It's nice to meet you both at last.

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I'm so sorry about your loss.

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Thank you, yeah. It's been very hard.

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-You shouldn't have to bury your own child.

-No.

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God.

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Well, you'd think they'd do that for you.

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Oh, no... I see what you mean, yes. Sorry, sorry...

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-It's OK, Kelly.

-I thought you meant you actually had to dig...

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Kelly? Your mum washed the wrong black dress, didn't she?

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-That's why you're in bright red.

-Yes!

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I've got two black dresses, one of them's a bit like...

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My ex-boyfriend used to like it when I... I dunno how to put it.

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-We don't need to know.

-True. True. Sorry.

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-Yeah, and the other one's a bit more like...

-Is she speaking to me?

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-Yeah, she is.

-I can't hear a word you're saying.

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I've got two black dresses, Maureen!

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-She's got two! Black! Dresses!

-Kelly?

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-What is wrong with me?

-Don't worry about it. Honestly.

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My mum's like, "Kelly, think before you speak," and I'm like,

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"I do." And then I think they're

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-actually going to make him bury his own son.

-Yes, keep moving.

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Seriously, Cathy. I was picturing him with a shovel. "He's 100 years old!

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-"He shouldn't be doing that!" Do you know what I mean?

-Keep moving.

-Honestly.

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It's like my brain's made of bananas.

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-Nan, where do you want your water?

-He wants to know where to put your water!

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-Oh, shut your face, you stupid old man.

-I'll leave it here.

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Thanks, Jason.

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Jason's such an amazing boyfriend.

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And he's coped so well with his dad and everything.

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Yeah. He's been very strong.

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Yeah, and he's so intelligent!

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Yeah.

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You won't lose my page, will you, love?

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No.

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Yeah, no, it's great, really.

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-He's so much better than my ex.

-Good.

-Yeah.

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Yeah. My ex was like...

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Well, if you met him, you'd think he's nice because he'd be nice to you

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because you're you, but he wasn't very nice to me, if I'm honest.

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-He used to sort of control me and stuff.

-Oh, no.

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Yeah. He used to call me names and things,

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and then towards the end, it all got a little bit physical.

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Oh, God, Kelly. I'm so sorry.

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Yeah, well.

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I'm, like, over it now, I got myself out of it,

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-put it all behind me, so...

-Yeah, but that must've been very hard for you, love.

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Yeah, well. SHE LAUGHS

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Is Jason, erm...

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Sorry if this isn't the sort of thing to say at a

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funeral, but has Jason said anything to you about asking me to marry him?

0:15:050:15:09

Erm... No. No.

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What makes you think he might?

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Well, you've only been going out a few months.

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Yeah, but they've been the best few months of my life.

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You're both still young, aren't you?

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Not really, Cathy. I'm 26.

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-Oh!

-KNOCK ON DOOR

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-JASON:

-'Mum? The hearse is here.'

-OK, love!

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-Rubbish.

-OK, fine. But I did.

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-Shut up.

-OK, fine.

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-You didn't invent it.

-I did! I've been saying it for years.

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-Shut up!

-I'd be like seven years old or something,

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and somebody would drop, like, a plate or something, and I'd be like,

0:15:480:15:51

-"Keep calm and carry on."

-HE LAUGHS

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It's true!

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Or like, we'd be late for school and I'd be like, "It's all right, Mum, keep calm and carry on."

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HE LAUGHS

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"Keep calm and carry on." It was my thing.

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You must've heard it off someone.

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-No! Because I remember inventing it when I was...

-Careful.

0:16:050:16:08

-We'll be out in a minute!

-Whenever you're ready, Cathy!

-Thanks.

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Yeah, so, anyway, the point is, like, one minute it's my phrase,

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I'm saying it round the house and that, next minute,

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-everyone's got it on a bloody T-shirt.

-HE LAUGHS

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-Pardon?!

-It's a buffet, Maureen.

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What's she saying?!

0:16:270:16:29

It's a buffet!

0:16:290:16:30

What are we having?

0:16:300:16:33

I think it's just sandwiches, crisps, sausage rolls, that sort of thing.

0:16:330:16:38

-The pub are doing it.

-What flavour crisps?

0:16:380:16:40

I dunno, Reg. It's just a buffet.

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I'll have a ham sandwich and half a sausage roll!

0:16:420:16:44

You can help yourself, Maureen. It's a buffet.

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Have they got any eggs?

0:16:470:16:48

-Is there mayo in the sandwiches?

-Have they got any eggs?!

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I don't know, Reg. It's just a normal buffet.

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I'll have an egg-and-ham sandwich!

0:16:530:16:55

It's a buffet, Maureen! You help yourself!

0:16:550:16:58

Don't worry about the mayo, Cathy.

0:16:580:17:00

I'll ask the waiter when he takes my order.

0:17:000:17:02

What did you order?

0:17:050:17:07

I'm going to talk to the waiter about it.

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Pardon?

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I'm going to talk to the waiter!

0:17:100:17:12

-You all right, Cathy?

-Yeah.

0:17:230:17:27

Um, the hearse is here, but I can't find my, er...

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I can't find my glasses.

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I keep putting them down and forgetting where I've put them.

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Oh!

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SHE SIGHS

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More flowers. Who are they from?

0:17:410:17:43

Hello again.

0:17:470:17:49

-Hi.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

0:17:490:17:51

Can I ask about this pond?

0:17:520:17:54

Pauline?

0:17:540:17:56

No, I'm just interested.

0:17:560:17:57

What was it, Cathy? Water feature?

0:17:570:17:59

Couple of fish?

0:17:590:18:01

Little bench for the two of you?

0:18:010:18:03

I just thought it'd be nice, but Dave didn't like

0:18:030:18:05

-the ones at B&Q so...

-B&Q! Of course you went to B&Q!

0:18:050:18:10

They're off, by the way.

0:18:100:18:11

Sorry.

0:18:110:18:12

Oh, don't apologise. Too late for that.

0:18:120:18:16

Nice cake, Cathy.

0:18:220:18:23

Thanks.

0:18:230:18:24

Get us another bit.

0:18:240:18:26

Just one minute.

0:18:260:18:27

-Pauline?

-Hello again, Catherine.

-Oh, hi.

0:18:310:18:34

I see you put some flowers in a pint glass.

0:18:340:18:36

-Yeah.

-What a lovely touch.

0:18:360:18:38

So, erm, what's happening after we've, er,

0:18:400:18:43

after we've, erm, you know...

0:18:430:18:45

..when we've "said goodbye"?

0:18:460:18:48

Well, we're all just going to The Crown. They're doing a buffet.

0:18:480:18:50

Oh, nice. Lovely. That sounds nice, doesn't it?

0:18:500:18:53

Yes. A buffet in a pub. How authentic.

0:18:530:18:55

What does that involve, in practice?

0:18:570:18:59

Well, it's just sandwiches,

0:18:590:19:00

sausage rolls, pork pies, that sort of thing.

0:19:000:19:03

Great.

0:19:030:19:04

They've also got a menu.

0:19:060:19:08

Oh, thank God for that!

0:19:080:19:10

SHE CHORTLES TIGHTLY

0:19:100:19:11

OK, I know this is silly, but I can't find my glasses

0:19:160:19:20

and I've looked everywhere.

0:19:200:19:21

Pauline! Bloody hell!

0:19:230:19:26

I know she just thinks she's posh

0:19:260:19:27

and if Dave had done to me what her husband did to her,

0:19:270:19:30

do you know what? I'd be a mess, too,

0:19:300:19:32

and I know I shouldn't let her wind me up,

0:19:320:19:35

but, Jesus, she's a fucking twat!

0:19:350:19:37

I mean, the things she comes out with! Honestly!

0:19:370:19:39

She thinks she's being subtle, but bloody hell!

0:19:390:19:42

And I thought I'd be OK today.

0:19:440:19:47

Because I've been preparing myself, haven't I?

0:19:470:19:49

I've thought it through. I have.

0:19:490:19:50

I've thought about it every night since he told me what was going on

0:19:500:19:55

and he'd be all, "Oh, it'll be OK, it'll be fine, don't worry",

0:19:550:19:59

because I don't think he actually believed he could die, did he?

0:19:590:20:03

But I was preparing myself and I was googling it

0:20:030:20:06

and I was reading up on it because I knew it'd end like this.

0:20:060:20:09

I knew it would.

0:20:090:20:11

And I've been through all that with my mum and dad, haven't I?

0:20:110:20:14

And the problems we had having Jason,

0:20:140:20:16

and that was horrible and I coped with that, so I thought I'd be OK.

0:20:160:20:20

But...honestly, Michael.

0:20:200:20:23

Jesus Christ.

0:20:260:20:27

I miss him so much.

0:20:310:20:33

Not the Dave that we had in the hospital,

0:20:360:20:38

but the Dave who used to make me laugh.

0:20:380:20:41

It feels like it's been ages since I laughed.

0:20:450:20:48

And if he'd been here today we'd be hiding in here together

0:20:480:20:51

and we'd be laughing about what a prat Pauline is.

0:20:510:20:54

And now look at me.

0:20:540:20:56

People keep buying me bloody flowers.

0:20:560:20:59

What am I going to do with them?

0:20:590:21:01

Pauline!

0:21:030:21:05

I can't believe I'm letting Pauline get to me.

0:21:050:21:08

And I know this is ridiculous and I know I'm being silly, but the hearse

0:21:080:21:12

is here and we need to get going and I cannot find my bloody glasses!

0:21:120:21:16

Are they in any way similar

0:21:190:21:21

to the ones on your head?

0:21:210:21:24

That is so embarrassing, Michael.

0:21:310:21:33

Honestly. I'm going senile.

0:21:330:21:35

No, you're not.

0:21:350:21:36

Honestly. I've been looking for them for ages.

0:21:360:21:39

Oh, yeah, now you come to mention it, it's a bit worrying.

0:21:390:21:41

Yeah, thanks. You were a great help.

0:21:410:21:43

Oh, what a wally.

0:21:460:21:47

Getting all upset, going on like that

0:21:490:21:51

and being mean about poor Pauline,

0:21:510:21:52

going round looking for my glasses when they're on my bloody head!

0:21:520:21:55

I'm losing it.

0:21:550:21:57

-No, you're not.

-I need to buy about ten pairs and put them in a drawer.

0:21:570:21:59

-I'm definitely losing it!

-You're not losing it, Cathy.

0:21:590:22:04

Well, anyway, congratulations on finding your glasses.

0:22:040:22:08

I'll see you down at the crematorium.

0:22:080:22:10

Are we coming back here later?

0:22:100:22:12

No, there's a buffet at The Crown.

0:22:120:22:14

Oh, good. They do a lovely spread.

0:22:140:22:16

You OK?

0:22:220:22:24

Yeah, fine.

0:22:260:22:28

We were going to do it for your anniversary.

0:22:360:22:39

You ready, Mum?

0:22:510:22:52

Yep.

0:22:520:22:54

All right, Maureen?

0:23:030:23:05

-OK?

-Thanks, Reg.

0:23:060:23:09

Careful, Derek. Don't drop her.

0:23:090:23:11

Leave her. She can walk.

0:23:110:23:13

Derek! You'll drop her!

0:23:130:23:14

Oh, wow, Cathy. You look so lovely.

0:23:140:23:18

Thanks, Kelly.

0:23:180:23:20

Can I get a photo? Show my mum?

0:23:200:23:22

Er, shall we just get going?

0:23:220:23:24

Good idea. I'll take it when we get there.

0:23:240:23:26

Do you need a hug?

0:23:290:23:30

I'm all right, actually, thanks, Kelly.

0:23:300:23:32

Do you want to feel my coat?

0:23:320:23:34

Thanks.

0:23:350:23:36

I'm just trying to think of ways to make you happy.

0:23:360:23:39

I know.

0:23:390:23:40

I've got some Rolos in my bag.

0:23:400:23:41

I'm all right.

0:23:410:23:42

She won't be a minute.

0:23:500:23:51

Sorry.

0:23:550:23:56

I don't want my tummy rumbling during the service!

0:23:560:23:58

Don't worry.

0:23:580:24:00

I've just need to put my gloves on. Sorry.

0:24:000:24:03

I always get hungry.

0:24:040:24:06

Do you get hungry, Cathy?

0:24:060:24:08

-Yeah.

-Yeah, me too.

0:24:080:24:10

What do you do when you get hungry, Kelly?

0:24:120:24:14

Erm... I usually eat something, don't I?

0:24:140:24:16

-Yeah.

-And that stops you being hungry, does it?

0:24:160:24:19

Yeah.

0:24:190:24:20

Wow.

0:24:200:24:21

Well, that's why you feel hungry, isn't it?

0:24:210:24:24

Because it's your tummy's way of...

0:24:240:24:26

Are you taking the mickey out of me?

0:24:290:24:31

No...

0:24:310:24:34

Cathy! You're so naughty!

0:24:340:24:37

One minute.

0:25:010:25:02

Oh, for God's sake. You're kidding me.

0:25:100:25:13

Bloody things.

0:25:150:25:16

You've got to be kidding me.

0:25:250:25:27

# I got my ticket for the long way round

0:25:360:25:39

# Two bottle of whisky for the way

0:25:390:25:43

# And I sure would like some sweet company

0:25:430:25:46

# And I'm leavin' tomorrow What do you say?

0:25:460:25:50

# When I'm gone When I'm go-o-one

0:25:500:25:54

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

0:25:540:25:57

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

0:25:570:26:00

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

0:26:000:26:02

# Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #

0:26:020:26:05

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