February Mum

-TOILET FLUSHES

-She's coming.

This programme contains some strong language.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Oh. Right.

Oh, thanks, Kelly. Oh.

I thought you might not get one so I made it on my break this afternoon.

I might've got a little bit carried away or...

Oh, oh.

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

Oh, no, that's lovely...

Oh! Oh.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

That's lovely. Thank you.

-She's good, isn't she?

-Yeah.

I'm sort of into crafts.

Oh, well, you're very good at it. Thank you so much.

Well, it's fine.

I wasn't expecting a card from you, so...

Oh, sorry...

No, it's cool.

I wasn't expecting one, so it's cool.

Have you been standing there the whole time?

Yep.

Great.

-Don't worry. I didn't hear a thing.

-KELLY CHUCKLES

I love Valentine's Day, don't you?

Yeah.

You're never too old for a bit of romance.

People nowadays, you know, "make love" till, like,

well into their sixties.

I saw a programme about it. It was disgusting.

KELLY LAUGHS

Well, not, not, not disgusting but...

I've set up your new iPhone.

Oh, thanks.

It's good you've got that, isn't it?

They're really good for keeping in touch with people

-in different countries.

-OK.

Yeah, yeah, that is good.

Yeah.

Hm.

When I said "disgusting",

-I didn't mean the thought of you shagging someone was disgusting.

-No?

No! You'd look great doing it.

Especially if you were on top.

-JASON LAUGHS

-Kelly!

What? She would! I'm being nice!

I wouldn't want to watch it.

No? You wouldn't wanna watch me ride a pensioner?

Oh, Mum!

No! No way. No offence but...

You do not want to know the things my ex made me watch.

When I close my eyes I can still see them.

-Can you give me a hand?

-Yep.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

Oh, come on, come on...

Is it hard being a widow on Valentine's Day?

Erm, a little bit, yeah.

-Kell, are you going to get ready?

-Yeah. I'm coming.

I mean, it's just another day, isn't it? But there's lots of memories.

We didn't used to go out, really.

We just used to stay in and watch a film because...

Yeah. I know what you mean.

This one Valentine's Day when I was 15,

and I'd just been dumped by Noel Edmunds...

-A different one.

-Oh.

He was in the year above,

and all my other friends were out with their boyfriends,

and my mum was out with Alan, and I was all alone,

and honestly, Cathy, literally, I was this close to killing myself.

Oh, you poor thing.

It's not as bad as you, though, is it?

Kelly, are you getting ready?

Yes! I'm just looking after your mum!

I love coming round here.

Oh, well, it's very nice to have you.

Hmm.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

I was just helping, hanging up some clothes

and telling her about when I got dumped by Noel Edmunds.

Noel Edmonds?

A different one.

Oh. SHE SIGHS

Oh, fucking hell. Oh...

MUSIC: Cups (You're Gonna Miss Me) by Lulu And The Lampshades

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottles of whisky for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow.

# What do you say?

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm go-o-one

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# The one with the prettiest view... #

-I'm not going in there, Derek.

-It'll be nice. She's rented a film.

-Come on.

-I'm not going in there, Derek.

Come on. Please. We'll just have one drink.

If you make me go in there, I will hide in the bathroom.

I've done it before.

It's Valentine's Day. She's my sister. Come on.

Don't you walk away from me, you turd.

Here she is! Big sis! Haven't you grown?

-HE LAUGHS

-Happy Valentine's.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah. Thanks for coming round.

Oh, don't be silly. It's just another night.

-Isn't it, Pauline?

-Yes.

Oh, give her the, erm...

CATHY LAUGHS

Happy Valentine's Day, Cathy.

Oh! Thank you. Thanks for coming round, Pauline.

No, I'm absolutely thrilled to be here.

Oh, thank you.

This is exactly how I imagined myself spending Valentine's Day(!)

Great.

Oh, Pauline's baked a batch of biscuits so we brought some for you.

What are they?

Rosemary, lavender, liquorice and lime.

Rosemary, lavender, liquorice and lime.

Oh, yum. Come in, come in.

Jason and Kelly will be going out soon

so we can get the food and watch the film.

-You can leave those on if you want.

-I know.

Yeah, no, what I mean is you don't need to worry about

getting the carpets dirty.

Oh, I'm not worried.

Right, I'm just going to go and get changed

and then we can order the food.

Lovely.

We've gone out, and we're having dinner.

That's not the same as going out for dinner.

Can one of you sort this out for me? I'm going to get changed.

What is it?

I rented a DVD.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

What, from a shop?

Yeah.

Oh Cathy. You're hilarious.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Who's that?

-Do you want me to get it?

Can someone get it? I'm getting changed.

I'll get it!

I'm coming!

-DOOR OPENS

-Oh, hello. It's Michael, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, come in. Come in.

You should have a coat on, you great big doughnut.

How are you?

Yeah, I'm good, thanks.

Yeah, my arm hurts a little bit.

Oh, dear. Did you bang it?

No. That's what I can't get my head round.

Cathy! It's Michael! He's...

Why are you here?

Yeah, well, I was just popping in.

-Shall I just tell her that or...?

-No, you don't need to tell her that.

Cathy! It's Michael!

He's just popping in!

On Valentine's Day!

-SHE GIGGLES

-I'm only kidding.

Oh, hello, Michael. Nice to see you.

Hi. Yeah, I was just... I thought I'd pop in, just...

Oh, hello, Michael, mate.

Hey, Derek. I wasn't expecting to see you here tonight.

I'm an international man of mystery.

Oh, for God's sake, Derek. Stop laughing at yourself.

Just one minute, Michael, sorry.

Kelly, love, can you, erm...?

Can you, can you, can you show me how to get on the web?

-Yeah.

-I've spent all this money on this new phone

and I've absolutely no idea what to do with it.

Yeah! I've got one...

Yes, so, Cathy, so you get on the, erm, "web"...

..by tapping on Safari.

Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah.

-I just press that button and that opens up.

-"Button"!

Sorry for laughing, Cathy, but, honestly, "button".

-Could I tell Jason?

-Yeah, of course you can.

Jason!

Well, come in. Can I get you a drink?

No! I was... I was just popping in...

Jason!

Your mum just called an icon a button! She just called it...

Are you, OK, Pauline? Can I get you a drink?

Have you got champagne?

Erm, no, sorry. Erm, I've got wine, beer, soft drinks...

No champagne at all?

No.

Not even a little bottle squirreled away somewhere

for some petty celebration?

-Pauline...

-I've got wine.

Have some white wine. It tastes the same as champagne.

You actually believe that, don't you?

Jason! Your mum just called it a button!

Then, earlier, she was like, "What's a gigabyte? What's a gigabyte?"

And now she's like, "Press the button! Press the button!"

It's nice, isn't it?

Yeah, it's lovely.

Jason!

# It feels so good in my hood... #

-MUSIC STOPS

-Are you calling me?!

It doesn't matter!

Come upstairs if you want to talk to me.

Shouting up the stairs...

It's ridiculous. It's not my fault I can't hear you.

Text me or WhatsApp me, don't just shout at me.

It's not my fault I can't hear you.

# It feels so good

# So let me hear the party... #

-"Buttons"!

-SHE CACKLES

Honestly, Cathy, it's the 21st century.

There aren't any buttons on phones.

What are they called, then?

Icons.

OK, so what's that at the bottom?

A button.

Right.

All right, Michael? What you doing here?

Yeah, I just popped in to see how your mum was.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Thanks.

Not like that.

Do you want one of these?

-They were giving them out at Liverpool Street.

-Nah.

One of those and I'd never sleep again.

Don't take this the wrong way, Michael,

but that was really funny, for you.

Thanks.

So, I've been looking at Jason's internet history...

HAIRDRYER WHIRS

Well, I know I shouldn't, but I do.

OK.

And he's been googling all about Australia.

KELLY SNEEZES

I'm so sorry. Did stuff come out?

No, no.

I'm so, so sorry. It felt like stuff came out.

No, no, no, I think you caught most of it.

Oh, I'm so, so sorry, Cathy.

-HAIRDRYER WHIRS

-What is wrong with me?

-AEROSOL SPRAYS

-Have you not got a big date

tonight, then?

No! No. I've not got the energy for all that.

Yeah, I'd be the same if I had to go out with old women.

I don't know how you do it, mate.

Yeah, well, I tend to find that the younger they get,

the less interesting they become.

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"The younger they get,

"the less interesting they become."

That was very good. Very good.

I see your mum got a card.

I got the glitter on my hand.

Do you know who it's from?

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"I see your mum got a card.

"Do you know who it's from?"

I hate hot countries. I sweat everywhere.

Even my nose sweats.

I get all sore round my wobbly bits.

He's just daydreaming, love. He'll never move to Australia.

Don't worry.

He just wants to travel there.

I do worry, though. I'm a worrier.

My mum says I get it off my nan's nan.

Apparently she spent, like, the 1800s or whatever, like,

-worrying about old stuff.

-CATHY GIGGLES

I'm not going to Australia. I'm not. I'd miss home.

I'd miss my bed.

I'd miss my mum.

I'd miss you.

-Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I'd miss you too.

-Isn't it?

Chop suey? That'd be nice.

Whatever.

Do you want to share one or do you want one to yourself?

This time last year, I was in Sicily, Derek.

She's a widow.

Oh, don't I know it?

Rice or noodles?

Geoff took me there in a helicopter.

Yeah, well, I'm scared of helicopters.

Oh, OK, and that's the only reason you didn't bring me here

-in a helicopter, is it?

-Yes.

-Really, Derek?

-Yes.

(Bollocks.)

-Pardon?

-Nothing.

(Absolute fucking bollocks.)

-Pardon?

-Nothing. I didn't say anything.

Where are you going?

Ah.

-Hello.

-I thought we'd lost you.

No, no. I was just, erm,

upstairs wishing Jason a happy Valentine's Day.

Bit weird.

Yeah, it was, actually.

So, are you off on another lovely internet date tonight?

No, no, no. No, no. I can think of far more interesting ways

of having an absolutely terrible evening.

Like what?

Oh, sticking my fingers in a shredder,

erm, sitting on a nail...

-Erm...

-Talking to Kelly about her epilator.

I know what you mean.

So, anyway, look, I just wanted to pop in and say hello

and, erm, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you weren't alone.

I didn't realise there'd be so many people.

Erm, I just, erm...

Yeah, I just...

I saw you got a Valentine's card...

-We've chosen ours, Cath.

-Oh! Great! Great. Come in and have a drink.

That's so nice of you to think of me. Come on.

So, I'm going to have my usual - erm, chicken, chicken chow mein,

chicken chop suey, spring rolls, special fried rice, spare ribs,

duck pancakes and one of those soups with the, erm...

with the things in it. Erm...

Well, we can all share that if you think it's ...

if you think it's too much for one person.

-You two are going out, aren't you?

-Yeah.

Don't worry about me, Cathy. I'm easy. I'll eat anything.

OK. Derek! Where's Derek gone?

Yeah, as long as it doesn't have meat in it, or gluten,

or lemonade or grapes, I'll eat anything.

I know. You said.

-Derek!

-OK!

Come in the living room.

Jacob's Creek?

Come in the living room, please.

Jacob's Creek on Valentine's Day?

-Have you completely lost your mind?

-HE SIGHS

-KELLY:

-Also, just to say, Cathy, if I eat garlic, my breath stinks.

-DEREK:

-(Michael.)

Hello, Catherine.

-Oh, hello. We're just sorting out the food order.

-Fabulous...

-HE SIGHS

-Women, eh?

Yeah.

Are you off on a date, tonight, or anything?

No, no,

I can think of far more interesting ways to have a terrible evening.

Are these sweet or salty?

I think they're a mixture of both.

It works.

Mmm.

You're looking very nice, Pauline.

Your hair's lovely.

Yes.

Don't you put salt in your dishwasher?

Erm, yes, I do.

OK.

You see, it's difficult for me

because where Pauline's so good-looking... Isn't she?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She looks good now, but you should see her naked.

She's got the lot, you know -

breasts, vagina...

the lot.

-You're a lucky man.

-Yeah.

So she's used to men taking her out for dinner

and opening doors for her, putting the loo seat down...

Not like, you know, oh...

Her husband got her flowers and took her Sicily but...

but he was also banging her chiropodist, so...

I should've booked a restaurant.

It didn't even occur to me.

I booked one.

You booked a restaurant?

Yeah, you know, just...

in case anything came up, which, obviously, it hasn't.

You know, erm...

So, it's yours, if you want it.

Well, thanks, mate. Thanks. Yeah.

All right, how much is it?

Set menu. 50 quid.

50 quid?

Well, blimey.

That's a bit expensive, isn't it? For two people?

Each.

Each?!

How do you find cooking for one?

Oh, well, Jason's here, isn't he?

And Kelly's around more and more, so...

I'm not much of a cook, anyway.

Yes, Derek mentioned that.

PAULINE LAUGHS

But it can get quite lonely,

being in on your own...

Lonely? No!

No. Never. I never get lonely when Derek's at work.

No, I'm very comfortable with my own company.

No. The best thing that ever happened to me

was getting cheated on by my husband and losing all my friends!

If anything, they were holding me back.

No. Lonely? Oh, not me.

-I relish having all that time to myself during the day.

-Hmm.

I actually spend a lot of my time now writing book reviews for Amazon.

Yeah...

I'm doing a puzzle.

Derek bought me a puzzle mat so I can take it to cafes,

do it in the library...

And there's so many channels nowadays,

I often find myself flicking between three programmes at once,

so, no, Cathy.

I'm not lonely, no.

I didn't say you were, love.

No.

All right, then, darling. We're going out for dinner.

Where?

It was Edmunds with a U.

The famous one's got an O.

Yeah, but his parents still called him Noel.

Oh, no, I'm not defending it.

Was your Noel Edmunds anything like the famous one?

Oh, yeah, he was, yeah.

He was a horrible little bastard.

Are you sure you won't stay for a drink?

I should go and see my mum, give her a bath.

Oh, how is that?

Yeah, you get used to it.

She gave me a Valentine's card.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. I think one of the nurses must have made it.

But, erm, how many cards did you get?

Oh, tonnes, you know(!)

Did you?

No, of course not.

Oh.

No, actually, I did.

I did get one card.

OK. Do you know who it's from?

Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. Ha.

I got a lovely, very pretty, handmade card...

..from Kelly.

-CATHY LAUGHS

-Nice, nice.

And she stuck a...a flower on the back, which was a nice touch,

but then I realised that she'd got it from my garden.

And Derek got me a balloon, which was a bit weird,

-but he does his best.

-Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Kelly's started doing her hair in the kitchen.

Oh, dear. That must be annoying.

Just a bit.

So, do you know what you're doing for your birthday yet?

Cathy, we're going.

I'll leave you to it.

What champagnes do they have?

Ah, we don't want to drink, do we?

I plan to get absolutely fucking slaughtered.

Well, have a lovely evening, Pauline. You look gorgeous.

Yes, and so do you.

You look very, erm...

warm.

Thanks.

-Bye, then.

-Bye.

Michael had booked a table and he's not using it, so...

Don't worry. It's important that she has a nice night.

Be sure to tell me what happens in the film, Cathy!

-Yeah, or we could come back and watch it another time.

-Derek.

Bye.

I'm going to text Geoff and tell him what we're doing.

CAR DOOR SLAMS

-Are they gone?

-Yeah. Thanks for doing that.

That's all right. I like to help.

So, what are you having?

Oh, nothing. I'll see what's in the fridge.

So, erm, Kelly's...

Kelly's got this idea in her head about you and Australia.

Yeah? What she say?

Well, she reckons you're going to move there.

Yeah, and what did you say?

Well, I said you just wanted to travel there

but, yeah, she was just being Kelly.

Thanks. Yeah.

Yeah, that'll throw her off the scent.

So, what, you ARE going to move there?

Yeah. Or I'll start applying, yeah. I told you that.

No, you didn't.

-Yes, I did.

-You didn't.

-I was sure I did.

No, I think I'd remember, but it doesn't matter.

-You know I've always liked Australia.

-Yeah, yeah.

You know, it'll be good for me to have a new start.

I'll take Kelly, obviously, she's up for anything.

And you and me can just Skype each other.

-I've thought it all through. It'll be like I never left.

-Hmm.

Jason! I'm ready!

Coming!

So, Cathy, there's this app...

Do you know what an app is?

-Of course she knows what an app is.

-Yeah.

It's short for apple.

-What?

-Nothing.

What else is it going to be short for?

Anyway, you can get it on your phone and it finds all the people in

-the area that want to have sex with you.

-Oh, Kelly!

What? It's Valentine's Day. She might be horny.

Oh, my God!

My mum does not feel horny.

Do you?

-JASON LAUGHS

-Oh, Mum!

All you need do is, is put some pictures of your tits up,

-that sort of thing - some fanny photos.

-Sorry?

-Fanny photos.

-Lovely(!)

-Kelly!

-What? I'm not being crude!

It's what you've gotta do nowadays if you're a girl.

I think she'd do really well on it.

She was really pretty when she was young.

Come on. Bye.

-Bye. Take an umbrella.

-Yeah.

(Did you talk to him?)

(No, I didn't get a chance.)

Oh, Cathy, you're useless!

I don't mean it. Happy Valentine's Day.

Thanks.

Love you!

RAIN SPLASHES

-KELLY:

-Oh, it's pouring down.

-RADIO:

-'Three points.

'I think it will take all the pressure off the away games,

'and I think there's a confidence that that will give us.

'If they're given a chance to...'

HE TURNS RADIO OFF

SHE SIGHS

Oh...

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, God, it's horrible out there, isn't it?

Erm, yeah. Sorry.

Sorry, I won't, I won't... I won't keep you.

Erm, I just wanted to make sure you've got my mobile number.

Erm...

Yeah, I'm sure I've got it somewhere.

Erm...

It's O, double seven, O,

-nine, double O, four, seven...

-Yeah, no, no.

I-I-I-I think you might have to be just a tiny bit slower.

Right.

It's O, double seven,

double O,

nine,

double O,

four, seven, eight.

Four, seven, eight.

Right, if you ring that,

then I'll have your new mobile number on...

on this.

PHONE: # Work it, make it, do it... #

OK... Right, I'll go.

Erm...

I just wanted to make sure you had my mobile number,

-just, you know, in case anything comes up.

-Yeah.

You know, I'm usually in, or I'm at work,

or I'm at my mum's, and...

and, even if I'm not, it's a mobile.

It's... It doesn't matter where you are.

-You know, that's kind of the whole point of it being a mobile.

-Yeah.

But, you know, I'll leave it on,

just, you know, just in case you need anything.

Yeah.

Right, erm, yeah.

Yeah. Actually, I've got a spare bit of guttering, if you want.

Guttering?

Yeah. I'm doing my mum's.

No, I, I think I'm... I think I'm all right for guttering, actually.

Oh. No, I was just trying to get rid of it.

OK, I'll... Yeah, I'd better get going.

Do you fancy a Chinese?

-Erm...

-Unless there've somewhere you need to be.

No. No, no. No.

No, I heard you had a table booked tonight.

Yeah.

You don't want to follow that up?

No. No. Wishful thinking.

Hmm. Hmm.

Yeah, well, I'm not going to order a Chinese on my own, am I?

I mean, that would be really sad!

Yeah, God, who would do that?

Yeah. Have you ever...?

-All the time.

-Mmm-hmm, me too.

I'll get the menu and you can have a look,

No. I'll get the pork chow mein, chicken chop suey, spareribs,

duck pancakes, spring rolls, and the soup with the dumplings in it.

Is that a bit much for one person?

Ah, yeah, I'll... I'll have a look at the menu. Thanks, thanks.

Beer?

Yeah. Thanks.

CAN OPENS AND LIQUID POURS

MUSIC: Cups (You're Gonna Miss Me) by Anna Kendrick

There you go.

Thanks.

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottles of whisky for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# And I'm leaving tomorrow What do you say?

# When I'm gone

# When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

# Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #