May Mum

This programme contains some strong language.

Yeah. HE CHUCKLES

-It's amazing to think that was normal.

-Yeah.

Then you put your LP on, and if you were anything like your dad,

you had to make sure there wasn't any dust on his record,

because it affected the stylus.

JASON AND KELLY LAUGH

You needed a degree just to put a song on!

-How did they find the time to lift the lid, do the dusting...

-I know!

Was it anything to do with all the paedos?

What does that mean, love?

It just occurred to me there might be a link between how hard it was

to put a song on in the '70s and the fact everyone was a paedo.

I...I don't think there's a link.

OK, then.

Also, not everyone who was alive in the '70s was a paedophile.

We'll see.

-Could I ask you another question about your record player?

-Shall we move on?

-Yeah.

We could take these to Australia, Kell.

-CATHY LAUGHS

-Oh!

Amazing! God! I can't wait!

That's a great idea, yeah.

-Was that convincing?

-Almost.

Right, so your mum's going to come and take that little fridge,

isn't she? Is she going to want anything else?

Oh, I'm sure, yeah.

I mean, who wouldn't want some of your clear-out?

Looks like you've got some really great stuff here, Cathy.

CATHY LAUGHS

Well, people can just take what they want, can't they,

and then we'll chuck the rest or take it to Scope.

I bet they'll be pleased.

Yeah, with the money they've raised from this lot,

they'll be able to give loads of people loads more...

Scope, or whatever it is they do.

I'm taking the mickey!

KELLY LAUGHS No...(!)

-I'm taking the mickey out of your clear-out!

-No(!)

Yeah! I'm so sorry!

But you seemed so serious.

I know, it was all fake!

-No!

-Yeah!

Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so mean.

We have such a lot of fun, don't we?

Yeah. It's orgasmic.

JASON LAUGHS

Cathy!

SHE GIGGLES

Mum.

Look what I found.

Oh! HE CHUCKLES

Aww!

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, wow!

Ahh...

Well, I really liked Teddy Sheringham, didn't I?

SHE CHUCKLES

Did you think it was weird?

Little bit.

-HE LAUGHS

-Mum!

No, what was really worrying was that T-shirt you made.

-Oh...

-Oh, no!

What...

-this one?

-THEY CHUCKLE

-It's raining!

-Oh, shit.

Get the fridge!

Cathy!

Kelly, calm down, love!

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottle whiskey for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow What do you say?

-# When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me by my hair

# You're gonna miss me everywhere

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone... #

That's it, in you go!

# I got my ticket for the long way round

# The one with the prettiest view

# It's got mountains It's got rivers

# It's got woods that'd give you shivers

# But it sure would be prettier with you

-# When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #

Carol?

Oh, hello.

-I'm Cathy. Nice to meet you at last.

-Hello! Yeah.

-Cathy, yeah.

-THEY LAUGH

Yeah, take anything you want. I want to get it all cleared out today, so...

-Oh, no, I'll definitely take a lot of this.

-Oh, good!

-Yeah.

I'm taking the piss, you silly bitch.

-It's a load of old crap.

-CAROL LAUGHS

-Hi, Mum!

-Hi, Carol.

-Do you hear that, Kell?

She was like, "I'm having a clear-out, take what you want,"

and I was like, "As if, you silly bitch!"

CAROL LAUGHS

Like I'd want any of that crap!

My mum's so funny, isn't she?

Yeah.

Let me take that for you.

Where you going to take it?

CAROL LAUGHS

Yeah. I'll, um... Yeah, probably just put it on the, um...

Who's that?

My dad.

Fit.

Good.

I've... I've put the fridge out front,

but feel free to look in the garage, and take whatever you want.

I want to get rid of as much as I can, so...

Yeah, no, I was sorry to hear about your husband, Cathy.

Um...

-Dave.

-Yeah. That's right.

Very sad.

Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah, it's not been easy, the past couple of years.

You seen that, Kell?

Oh, yeah.

What do you keep in there?

Tea.

CAROL LAUGHS

You heard about Kelly's new job, Cathy?

No.

She's been headhunted by MI5.

-KELLY AND CAROL LAUGH

-Mum!

I'm joking.

She's been poached by NASA.

-KELLY LAUGHS

-Mum!

No, I'm joking. I'm sorry, Kell.

She has got a new job, Cathy.

She's writing the questions on Mastermind.

She didn't want to make a thing of it as it's not been confirmed yet,

but...

she's 90 per cent certain that she's got the job in Sainsbury's.

Well done, love! That's great.

My daughter working in Sainsbury's.

I feel like dancing.

KELLY GIGGLES

Oh, I see what you've done.

You knocked it through.

Basically, if she says something horrible to me,

or, like, if she says something to me that's true and I wish it wasn't

and it makes me want to cry, what I do is, I just laugh.

Great.

Well, this is going to be fun.

-What's that?

-Kelly's mum's here.

Oh, God. How is she?

I'm not sure, but I think she might be the worst person I've ever met.

-Worcester sauce.

-I'll pass.

Jason nicks all the good flavours.

So...how's it going?

Yeah, good, good. Yeah.

Oh, wow. That's massive.

Shall I do it in one?

Give it a try.

HE CHUCKLES

Yeah. Congratulations. That was very pleasant to watch.

Thank you.

SHE CHUCKLES

No, no. It's all coming along. It's all coming along. Yeah.

Everything's under control. You know, all pretty simple.

Basically you put the brackets to the telly, and...

fix the telly to the wall. Mmm?

I won't bore you with all the details. Er...

I'm actually supposed to be somewhere, so I'm just going to go

-and check I've got all the bits...

-OK.

-..and just get on with it.

-Yeah.

If I have to watch Jason and Kelly

canoodling on the sofa one more time,

I think I might dig my eyes out with a spoon.

Almost makes me want them to go to Australia.

They call each other "babe".

Oh, God. My Nikki calls her boyfriend "babylips".

Sorry.

-Babylips?

-Babylips.

Has he got lips like a baby?

He does, actually.

SHE LAUGHS I can talk.

When Dave and I were their age, we used to call each other "pet".

Yeah, I remember that.

SHE CHUCKLES

-Can I stay up here?

-No. Bugger off.

-Oh, come on.

-No, go on. Go, go.

Bugger off and let me finish putting up this telly.

Please?

Go.

SHE CHUCKLES

HE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

HE CANCELS CALL

DOORBELL RINGS

Come in, come in!

Oh, thanks!

It's big, isn't it?

The steam cleaner or Derek's penis?

-DEREK SIGHS

-She's had a glass of wine.

-Right.

So, how was the golf?

It was good. Wasn't it?

Yeah, no, it was something different, yeah.

I shouldn't laugh, but Derek kept using the nine-iron.

The nine-iron.

-Sorry, I don't know what that is.

-It's the stick thing.

The "stick thing"? It's called a club.

Yeah, I know it is. I know it is. I was joking.

He was in the bunker for ages. Everyone was watching.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

-She did both.

-Right.

So... So the golf was OK?

Yeah, no, it was good.

-I mean, it's more about the social side, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-I met a millionaire.

-Oh! OK.

-Yeah.

-Was he nice?

-Yeah, he was lovely.

-Let me carry his clubs.

-Great!

Er, so...Carol, do you want to have a look in the garage, then?

You can help yourself to anything you want.

OK. Thanks, Cathy. That's lovely. Yeah.

Amazing.

Like I'd want any of her crap, Kell. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I know! She's full of bullshit.

I know!

I'm so, so, sorry. I don't mean a word of it.

-Don't worry. It's fine.

-Oh, thanks.

Yeah, such a rotten old slag.

-JASON:

-Mum! Nan and Grandad are here!

You've got fat.

Thanks, Maureen.

I barely recognised you.

I don't think I've put on any weight, actually.

Oh, you have. You're ginormous!

SHE CHUCKLES OK!

-All right, Nan?

-You all right?

Oh...

Everything hurts.

-OK.

-I'm going blind in one eye.

Oh, no!

If I'd known when I met her she'd end up like this...

Honestly, I'd have run a mile.

-"Hello, Deepak"?

-Are you kidding me?

-I don't know.

-"Hello, Deepak"? Have you lost your mind?

-I don't know!

-Have you no idea how to text a millionaire?

Course I know how to text a millionaire.

Course I do. You've just got to be, like, humble, and use big words.

Oh, Derek. You're such a brute.

Hello, Reg.

You all right?

Why are you dressed like a poof?

Reg! They've been playing golf.

-Golf?

-Yeah.

Why are they dressed like poofs?

Maureen!

They've been playing golf.

Olf?

Golf.

What's olf?

GOLF!

His outfit cost him £575.

JASON LAUGHS

Well, it's breathable polyester, so...

that's the kind of price you have to pay

if you want breathable polyester.

THEY SNORT

I know I shouldn't laugh, but Derek kept trying to use a nine-iron.

He was in the bunker using a nine-iron.

-He was stood in the bunker...

-I wouldn't bother.

-Yes.

We've put the rugs in the boot, Maureen.

Help yourself to anything else you want, OK?

Can we have her telly?

Nan. This is Carol. Kelly's mum.

Who?

Kelly's mum!

Nice to meet you!

Who's Kelly?

How's it going up there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I just need one more bit, I think,

and I can hang it up properly.

So, Pauline is trying to get Derek into golf...

..and his golf...uniform... outfit thing cost...

Get ready for this...

£575!

-No!

-Yeah!

That's almost as much as my car.

How much did your outfit cost?

20 quid.

That include the shoes?

Yeah.

Charity shop.

You'd never know.

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, look.

Have a look what I found.

Bognor.

-Oh...

-HE CHUCKLES

-Do you remember taking it?

-Yeah!

Well, I was trying to think why Dave wasn't there.

He'd missed the train, hadn't he?

Yeah, so we made the journey, just the two of us.

Drinking the beer your dad used to make.

And then we got there...

got bored waiting for him...

then we went for a little walk together on the beach.

God!

I'd forgotten all about that.

Pair of bloody idiots.

Speak for yourself.

SHE CHUCKLES

And he's going for tennis lessons on Sundays.

What's that?

Tennis lessons.

-Bit of luck.

-SHE SIGHS

Mondays and Fridays is yoga.

Yoga.

Why is she telling us this?

I don't know.

Tuesdays, we'll go to the theatre.

He's never seen a play.

I saw Blood Brothers.

-Yes, I know you did.

-MESSAGE TONE

Are you expecting something?

Yes. We're expecting a text from a millionaire.

MESSAGE TONE

Well?

All together, that's 12 texts from my mum,

and not one of them makes any sense.

Oh, wow.

I gave her my old phone.

-How's that going?

-Biggest mistake of my life.

MESSAGE TONE

Oh, I got an e-mail from Emiliana...

who wants to hook me up with some sexy sluts from my area.

-That's nice of her.

-Yeah. Good of her to think of me.

-Yeah.

I got an e-mail the other day offering to make my penis bigger.

Oh, great. Yeah, it's about time you did something about that.

SHE LAUGHS That's really good!

How's Kelly's mum?

-CAROL:

-She's like, "Oh, my God, Mum, I've got a job in Sainsbury's!"

-KELLY:

-I'm such a dumbo! I'm such a knob!

Where you going, Kell?

No, I'm just laughing. It's funny.

I'm going inside to have a good laugh about it.

Seriously, though, Derek. My daughter, working in Sainsbury's...

Oh!

See what I mean?

PHONE RINGS

Oh, is that your friend?

Yeah.

You'd better get going. You don't want to keep them waiting.

-DEREK:

-All right, Michael? I met a millionaire.

Oh, good.

How's it going, love?

Oh, yeah, it's all good. All good.

I just thought I'd come inside

and try and clear up a load of old bits and pieces.

Oh, OK. Thanks.

Oh.

Oh!

-Sorry.

-Don't worry.

Sorry.

-I wasn't really paying attention when I put it all in.

-That's OK.

-Lovely set of clubs, wasn't it?

-Oh, yeah, top of the range.

Did he let you have a look at them?

Look at them? I was carrying them.

-No!

-Yeah. He was very gracious, wasn't he?

Oh, he was much more polite than he needed to be to someone like Derek.

That's nice.

Have you played this?

Derek's just sent our millionaire friend a text, didn't you?

Yeah. It's, er, sort of borderline racist.

-But in a funny way.

-Oh, yeah.

Well, that's good.

Where are we going to put that?

Next to the armchair.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, come on. It'll be nice for me to have something to sit on.

KELLY SIGHS

It's like...

Like, I know it's only Sainsbury's and it's going to be hard.

Some mornings I'm going to have to get up at half past eight.

But I'm getting all excited about it,

about, like, working my way up to being a Sainsbury's manager

and maybe one day - I don't want to get ahead of myself -

but, like, maybe becoming the owner?

That's not too much to ask, is it?

No, of course not.

But Jason's like, he wants me to go Australia

and my mum just makes everything...

I don't know.

I just think it's hard for me cos my mum's so hilarious.

Yeah.

Whereas Jason's fine, isn't he? Cos you never say anything funny.

BOOMING DANCE MUSIC

MUSIC CONTINUES

Fucking prick.

PHONE RINGS

It's Deepak. Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, sh...

-Well, answer it!

-What do I say?

Just answer it.

For God's sake, Derek, don't keep him waiting. He's a millionaire.

Hello, Deepak, mate!

Derek.

Derek.

We met today at golf. Derek Evans.

The fella with the nine iron.

Yeah!

Uh, well, I, er...

Y-You had your cards in one of the pockets of your bag,

so I sort of took one so we could stay in touch.

Oh.

Yeah. No problem.

Tell him who my husband is.

-Tell him about the divorce settlement!

-Well, I...

It wasn't actually racist, Deepak.

Oh, come on!

It was playful.

It's only a turban.

No...

Yeah...

I do understand.

I can sort of see, now you put it like that,

how offensive it would be. Yeah.

OK. Bye, Deepak.

Sorry again, mate.

Bye.

HE SIGHS

It was nice of him to call.

-What's this?

-Michael's going on a date.

THEY CHUCKLE

-Poor cow!

-Jason!

Well, what does she do? What does she look like?

Tell me all about her.

Well, her name's Lisa.

She's sort of petite, brunette,

and she's an administrator for the council.

How many dates you been on?

Well, one last week and...

..one last night.

And...?

She wanted to go clubbing.

-No!

-It was her idea.

-I bet you looked ridiculous!

-Jason!

Didn't get in till three in the morning.

Michael Callum Roberts! No wonder you look tired!

I'm absolutely bloody knackered!

THEY LAUGH

How old is she?

45.

-Oh!

-You dirty old sod!

Got a 13-year-old son.

Well, that's going to be fun, bringing up a teenager.

You're such a funny old man.

Oh, thank you, Jason.

Why didn't you tell me about her?

Well, it's embarrassing, isn't it?

No! Why? I don't care who you go on dates with.

No, I know you don't.

Sorry...

Laughing at you. It's a bit mean.

Um... She sounds really lovely.

She is. She's really sweet. She is.

Well, you'd better get going. I'll make you even later!

We're going to get on with the garage,

I want to get it all done before Jason and Kelly go.

I think I'll going to be doing the shed on my own,

which I was a bit sad about at first, but then I realised

that I could charge up Dave's radio and listen to 5 Live.

I mean, that's sad, isn't it?

Me, on my own, in my shed, listening to 5 Live while you're on a date.

I mean, what's become of me?

Well, it is a bit worrying.

Well, you'd better get going.

See Lisa and leave me to my shed.

I've taken the fridge, Cathy.

-Are you going to introduce me to your fancy man?

-PHONE RINGS

That's Michael. He's an old, old friend of ours.

He was best man at our wedding.

Don't be shy, Cathy.

It must be nice to get a bit at your age.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

-And you. I'm just going to...

-PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

Hi, Lisa?

Hm. Er, sorry, something's come up with my mum.

You work in a school, is that right, Cathy?

Yeah, I'm one of the support staff.

So is that like a teacher, but...

-Yeah.

-..worse?

-Um...

-Or not, like, worse, but...unqualified.

-H&M.

-Nice.

No, I help the teachers and look after the kids who have

different needs or need a bit more attention.

No wonder you get on so well with Kelly!

You must be retiring soon. How old are you now?

Oh, no, I'm only 59.

Aww! Sounds so much younger than 60, doesn't it?

The thing is, when you phone a millionaire,

-you expect a bit of rough and tumble.

-Yeah.

And, to be honest, when would Deepak ever speak to someone like Derek?

-Exactly.

-Only if he was getting his car fixed.

-Yeah.

-Or his drains unblocked.

-Yeah.

-Or if he was at some traffic lights

and they were trying to wash his windscreen.

Come on, I did that ONCE.

BOOT SLAMS

-Is that all right?

-Yeah.

I like apples. I'm like my mum. She liked apples.

It's great, I love it. I'm the same with cider.

Get that down me, no-one's safe!

LAUGHTER

I was going to say, Carol, um...

It's going to be difficult, isn't it,

if Jason and Kelly move to Australia?

Pardon?!

No, I mean, you know, I know we can't stop them,

but if both our kids are going to move to Australia,

maybe it's something we should get together about.

What do you mean?

Oh, sorry, I thought you knew.

Jason's looking for a job there.

No, he's not.

I think Kelly would've mentioned it to me, Cathy. She's my daughter.

No offence, but I think she would've talked to me about something

as big as that before she talked to you about it, you silly old cow.

Well, maybe she's worried you're going to laugh at her.

What do you mean?

Well, you do laugh at her quite a lot, don't you?

She finds it funny.

OK...

Maybe she just hasn't got round to telling you yet.

It's what we do. I take the piss out of her.

-It's funny.

-Yeah, OK.

Mum!

-Mum!

-Yeah?

Is that Jason?

Oh, yes! Isn't he gorgeous?

Reg, look at that.

Ugh! What an ugly baby.

LAUGHTER

-No!

-Grandad!

-What's that?!

What was Jason like as a baby?

He was fucking ugly!

Stop swearing!

-Why?

-Because it's not becoming

for a woman to be stood in the street swearing.

Oh, shut your face, you silly old man!

That's me told.

Oh, no. He was lovely.

Apart from when he used to bite on my boobs.

Oh, Mum!

He breast-fed until he was 18 months.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God! No wonder he spends so long on mine!

Oh, my! That's enough!

Well, you should see Derek on me.

He's like a wolf on a carcass.

SNIGGERING

I like the feel of them on my face.

What was Kelly like as a baby?

Oh, my God, I tell you what...

I was a silly, ugly, little thing, wasn't I?

I was a right idiot. Dumbo baby, that's me!

Yeah. I was probably the stupidest baby...

-Are you not going?

-No. No, no. She cancelled.

Oh. Sorry. Sorry to hear that.

No, it's all right. Means I can help out in the shed.

Though I don't want to interrupt your exciting 5 Live moment.

Don't worry about that!

Ugly little Kelly's sitting there, like,

"I want to work in Sainsbury's." Is that what it was like, Mum?

Go on. Tell everyone what a knob I was.

No, Kell. You were...

You were the most beautiful, silly, little thing I'd ever seen.

THEY LAUGH

I've changed now, though, haven't I?

Ugly bitch!

Yeah! Look at the state of me now!

My arse is so big...

Come on, Kell. As if.

You're still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

-Are you taking the mickey out of me?

-No, of course I'm not.

You're my Kell.

Oh, my God, Mum, you're going to make me cry!

Oh, Jesus, don't do that!

-I know!

-Don't cry, for God's sake! You'll never stop!

I don't know what's wrong with me!

Let's all just calm down and have a cup of tea!

That's if we can work out which tin it's in!

FORCED LAUGHTER

The label on her tin of tea!

That's such a Cathy thing to do.

Have you seen what she's wearing?

-I know!

-Yeah. She dresses like that all the time!

You should've seen what she was wearing on her birthday!

All right, Kelly. That's enough.

Oh, no! I don't mean it, you great big hullabaloo!

-Ow!

-Come here!

Sorry!

# I've got my ticket for the long way round

# Two bottle of whiskey for the way

# And I sure would like

# Some sweet company

# And I'm leaving tomorrow

# What do you say?

# When I'm gone

# When I'm gone

# You're going to miss me when I'm gone

# You're going to miss me by my hair

# You're going to miss me everywhere

# You're going to miss me when I'm gone. #