August Mum

-DOOR OPENS

-Cathy, do you, um...?

Debs, she doesn't need our help.

Cathy, do you know the rules for a first date?

-It's not a date.

-No, it's not a date, Debs.

Because I don't know what it was like in the...'40s?

'70s. Yeah.

But these days, if you sleep with him, you're a whore,

and if you don't, you're frigid.

Yeah, but it's not a date, love, remember?

He's just a man that I met online who lost his wife last year.

So it couldn't be less romantic.

-What I did before Ryan was, I had a method.

-OK.

What I did was, I didn't sleep with the boys I wanted to sleep with

in case they lost respect for me,

and instead, I slept with the boys I didn't want to sleep with.

-That's a really good way of doing it.

-Isn't it?

Do you want me to sort your hair out?

I think I'm all right, actually.

You going to join us in the garden, Cathy?

No offence, but your arms are so white, they make me want to puke.

Sorry about Debs.

Oh, don't be silly. She's just trying to help.

Yeah.

She's really nice. She's like my cousin,

-but also like my best friend, if that makes sense?

-Mm.

I think she's, um... I think she's going through the menopause.

Do you know what the menopause is, love?

-Well, not exactly, no.

-Right.

But I know it makes you mental.

So when I went on my first date with Dave...

KELLY GIGGLES Is this going to be rude?

Yeah, a little bit.

Oh, Cathy, I'm blushing!

When we went on our first date,

we went back to his and, you know, did it.

-Did what?

-Sex.

KELLY GIGGLES Cathy!

And we did it over and over again that night.

And I don't think we came out of his bedroom the whole weekend

because we were just doing it over and over again.

Oh, that's revolting!

THEY LAUGH Oh, my God! Cathy!

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, my God! Cathy, I never knew you were such a minx!

Ooh! Ooh, you dirty little grot-bag!

KELLY LAUGHS

Ooh, blimey!

You saucy little bitch!

Rotten old slut!

-That's enough.

-Sorry.

KELLY GIGGLES

All right, love? Can I get you anything?

No, I'm good.

# I've got my ticket for the long way around

# Two bottles of whisky for the way

# And I sure would like some sweet company

# Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow... #

Listen to this. On your mum and dad's first date...

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# You're going to miss me when I'm gone

# You're going to miss me by my hair You're going to miss me everywhere

# You're going to miss me when I'm gone

# I've got my ticket for the long way around

# The one with the prettiest view

# It's got mountains it's got rivers

# It's got woods that'd give you shivers

# But it sure would be prettier with you

-# When I'm gone

-When I'm gone

# Oh, when I'm gone

# You're going to miss me when I'm gone. #

-Hello?

-I'm in here.

TV ON

Sorry I'm late.

Kelly's cousin keeps threatening to do my hair.

Oh, dear. Why?

Um...

because she's completely and utterly nuts.

THEY CHUCKLE

Her name's Debs.

What's she like?

Well, we've talked about the shape of the solar system.

-It's shaped like an egg.

-Of course it is.

We've talked about turquoise.

-Turquoise?

-Yeah, turquoise.

-Debbie doesn't think it counts as a colour.

-Oh.

We did a selfie.

She showed me a picture of the world's biggest dog.

-Oh. Was it big?

-Yeah. Yeah.

In fairness to her, it was massive!

THEY CHUCKLE

You all packed for your holiday?

Yeah, got some bits from the fridge that were going out of date.

-Oh, lovely. Thanks.

-So, where do you want me to drop you off?

-Just the Pizza Express by the station, if that's all right?

-Mm.

Oh, and that's the other thing.

Debbie keeps calling it a date.

-Calling what a date?

-Cathy?

-(That's her.)

-Cathy!

THEY CHUCKLE

Yes, Debbie?

Sorry, Cathy, she just wants to do something about your hair.

-OK.

-Just something to stop you looking so ugly. No offence.

None taken.

Cathy, could you make the fan colder?

Er...well, that's as cold as it goes, Maureen.

I want you to make the fan colder! I'm sticky!

Why don't you go and sit in the living room? It's cooler in there.

-She doesn't mean ugly, do you, Debs?

-No, I do.

-Thanks.

Take your cardigan off.

Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, you pervert!

Well, I-I think I'm fine, thanks. Thanks, Debbie.

I'll just leave my hair as it is in terms of colour, length, shape

and to use your word from earlier, straggliness.

OK.

Can you put that down, love?

-Dave got you it, didn't he?

-Yeah.

It's a bit, um... I don't know how to put it.

Well, it's like a thing in a museum, isn't it?

Everyone's like, "Oh, it would've been nice in the olden days,"

but you'd only wear it now if you were, like, your age. No offence.

Or, like, a hippy girl with a great big bush.

Lovely.

-(Debs!)

-(What?)

-(You can't talk about bushes in front of old people. How many times?)

-Hi, Reg. Maureen.

-You all right, Michael?

-Yeah. How are you?

-Hm.

Oh, Michael, this is my cousin, Debbie.

Debbie, this is Michael.

Oh! Is he the one who's after Cathy?

-No.

-Debbie!

No, no-no-no-no-no-no. Never. No. No.

No. Debs, this is Michael.

-I just meant that he's nice to her.

-Aw!

He's just like one of the girls.

-Cathy would never go out with him, would she?

-No.

THEY GIGGLE

You should've seen him when he was your age.

He was a pansy.

The girls wouldn't touch him.

DEBBIE AND KELLY GIGGLE

That's sadly very, very true.

THEY GIGGLE

-You having a good morning?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Yeah, we've just been keeping Cathy entertained.

-Yeah, she mentioned that.

-Wow!

-WOLF-WHISTLE

-Do a twirl!

You look lovely, Mum!

Go on, do a twirl.

-Ah!

-Aw!

-When my mum goes on a date...

-It's not a date.

She's, like, "Have I got everything? Got my condoms, charger?"

-Diaphragm.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, my mum's the same.

Condoms, charger, nip upstairs

to pop in the diaphragm and away she goes.

-Shall we?

-Yeah. I'm just going to use your toilet, OK?

-DEBBIE STIFLES A LAUGH

-Toilet!

I love old people. Just call it a bog, like everyone else!

KELLY CHUCKLES Yeah.

Maybe you should sit in the shade for a bit, Debbie.

-Yeah, probably.

-DEBBIE LAUGHS

Seriously, though, Cathy, have you got some condoms?

Yeah, I've got hundreds.

Oh, great! Good luck!

Oh!

-You been?

-No. Er...no.

Debbie seemed lovely. I don't know what your problem was.

She's going out with Ryan,

which apparently means she's the expert on dating.

She was going on and on about my lunch today.

She wanted to know all about the bloke I'm meeting.

Just...just the normal things, you know, like, what phone he's got,

what gym he goes to, exactly how his wife died.

Apparently, I'm lucky because she likes an older man, Debbie does.

And if she could have sex with any older man in the world,

the one man Debbie would have sex with is,

and this was a surprise - Neil Kinnock.

-Neil Kinnock?!

-Neil Kinnock.

THEY CHUCKLE

-You going, then?

-Yeah, yeah.

So, what's this about a date?

Oh, no, it's just Kelly being Kelly.

I'm just having lunch with a friend.

He's on one of the online forums. His wife died last year, so...

Ah, nice.

You might need me to come in, if you want,

-check out he's not a weirdo, or...

-Don't be silly.

He seems fine. He's very caring.

Ah, OK. No, I'm sure he is, I'm sure he is very nice.

I'd like to meet him.

-Right, well...

-Yeah, I'll, er...I'll see you downstairs.

-Yeah, great.

-Yeah.

HE SIGHS

KELLY: I broke her necklace, Debs!

Debs! I broke her necklace.

I broke Cathy's necklace!

Oh, my Lord, she's going to be furious, babe. I know these things.

I'm an observer. I observe life. It's a gift.

-Babe?

-Yeah.

She'll go mental, babe.

She'll be screaming, crying, tearing her hair out.

Oh, God! She already hates me.

We went on and on about turquoise.

Well, we've got a point there, babe. It's not a colour.

ICE CREAM VAN JINGLE

All right, Pauline?

Lovely day, isn't it?

It's all right.

I've got some people coming to look at my car.

I used to drive a BMW.

Oh, nice.

My mate's dad's got one of them.

-Has he?

-Yeah.

Yes, er...

Actually, interesting story.

When we were together, my husband took me to Brands Hatch.

We were in the suite.

Oh, yeah. I've had a look in there. It's nice, isn't it?

Yes. Yeah.

I've been to the Maldives.

-Oh, wow.

-Yes.

I've never been anywhere like that.

Thought not.

Oh, hello, Pauline. I've got it in here.

-Oh, fantastic, yes.

-Lovely day, isn't it?

Not bad.

I'd rather be on the Med.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Have you ever been to the boot of Italy?

No.

The Okavango Delta? In Botswana?

No.

Oh, you should go. You'd love it there.

The locals are so friendly.

See what Derek did?

Oh. OK.

He can't get enough of me.

Well, the biscuits were delicious, so thanks for that.

Not at all, Cathy. Thanks for giving it back at last.

Looking forward to your holiday, Michael?

Bit of holiday romance!

Well, my daughters are there,

aren't they, so I won't be chasing any women.

No, I know. I'm only joking, mate.

It's you, isn't it?

PHONE BEEPS

Michael, the hoover's broken!

HOOVER STARTS

It's all right. I've fixed it.

He's just a bloke I've been chatting to online.

His wife died last year, so...

It'll be nice. I'm looking forward to it.

Have you washed this?

Er, yes.

Mind if I give it a rinse?

No, go ahead.

I don't eat oranges in this country.

-No?

-No.

Once you've been to Morocco, you'll never eat an orange here again.

-Oh, are they nice?

-Are they nice?

Are the oranges in Morocco nice? Yes, Cathy.

The oranges in Morocco are very nice.

Oh!

I'm all right.

Well, sorry you had to come round.

If I'd known it was urgent, I'd have...

Derek's working all weekend.

Oh, that's annoying.

That's what Geoff used to say.

Oh. OK.

No, no.

Derek's not like that, love.

No, I know he's not. I know he's not. No.

I think I know Derek, Cathy, so...

He'd never cheat on you.

He's a big softie beneath it all.

OK, Cathy. No need to patronise me. I think I know what Derek's like.

He'd never do anything to hurt you.

I mean, you can just put that out of your mind.

I mean, he can be thoughtless sometimes, but he adores you.

He completely adores you.

Well, of course he does, Cathy.

What's not to like?

Can you smell something?

-Michael?

-Yeah?

-Can you smell something?

-Yeah.

Smells like something's burning.

Smells like something's burning, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Have you farted?

You'd know if I'd farted.

No there's definitely something, babe.

There's not, babe. I've got a perfect sense of smell.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

Oh, sorry. I must've imagined it.

Maybe next door's having a bonfire.

Or a barbecue or something.

Please let's talk about this smell a bit more, Cathy. It's fascinating.

Must be a bonfire or something.

It's a funny time of year to have a bonfire.

-Is it a bonfire?

-Think about it, babe.

Why would you have a bonfire this time of year?

Or a barbecue?

Could be a barbecue.

-No.

-Reg!

It's a funny time of year to have a bonfire.

Unless it's a barbecue.

Well, I'd love to stick around and talk about whether a smell is

a bonfire or a barbecue, but my Uber's three minutes away.

Have a lovely time on your date.

Oh, it's not a date. It's, erm...

Well, whatever it is, it'll be fine.

I just have to breathe on a man and he falls in love with me.

OK.

And don't worry about... You know...

Oh, no, I'm not.

And just call any time if you're worried or need some reassurance.

I don't know why you're going on about it, Cathy.

Everything's absolutely fine. I'm having a wonderful weekend.

I'll probably have to walk back past the builders.

Pardon?

Sorry, I was talking to myself.

I'll probably have to walk back past the builders. Outside.

Is that a problem?

A problem? Oh, yeah. It's a big problem.

They'll be leering at me and wolf-whistling,

shouting their sexist comments.

Oh, right.

Does that happen a lot?

They can't get enough of me.

Hello there.

OK?

Yep.

Oh...

Could you, erm...?

I was wearing it round at Reg and Maureen's.

It's covered in cat hairs.

Oh, dear!

It's great that you're going, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. It's important that I get out.

I mean, that's actually, er, an idea.

I mean, if you want to get out more,

then maybe when I come back from Spain, erm,

we should go grab a coffee.

What's that?

I'm saying we could go for a coffee.

What, you and me?

Yeah.

Where would we go?

Starbucks? Cafetiere at Sainsbury's.

Oh, no. We'd just have one here. It would be much cheaper. OK?

-Yep.

-Oh, right, good. Well, I'd better get going.

Oh, I'm just going to, erm... I won't be a minute.

Everything OK?

Yeah, just shutting the window in case it...

In case it rains. Er, yeah.

Erm... Oh. Just going to...

That's better.

All right?

I don't want to go.

I don't want to go, Michael.

What an idiot.

I thought it'd be a good idea because it'd get me

out the house and stop me being lonely.

But I'm not lonely because there's not enough people around, am I?

No. You've got Kelly and Debbie taking care of that.

Yeah, yeah...

I just miss him.

I wish I still smoked.

No, sod it. I'm not going. It's silly.

I'll stay here.

You've brought 400 yoghurts round, haven't you?

They need eating.

And Jason's here, isn't he? And if he is gonna move to

Australia, I need to spend more quality time with him, so, no,

I'm gonna stay here with you and we're gonna...

we're gonna work through those yoghurts.

I think you should go.

Oh, no, don't, don't say that.

You might have a good time. He might be a lot of fun.

He's probably not, though, is he?

What else are you gonna do?

You're gonna sit in the garden and talk to Debbie?

This is the kind of thing Dave wanted you to do, isn't it?

Yeah.

The only thing that I can compare it to

is it's probably a bit like I felt when Abi left with the girls.

You know.

The last thing in the world you want to do is go out.

But you have to.

Brian - that's his name, bad start - he sent me

a really weird text.

-Did he?

-Yeah, he wants a hug.

I don't want to give him a hug.

Imagine me going up to some smelly old bloke and giving him a hug!

Maybe he was nervous.

You're too nice.

Thanks, Michael.

What would I do without you?

Get a cab?

Come on.

Send me an e-mail, let me know how it goes?

Yeah, course I will.

Kelly broke your necklace.

I'm fine.

I'm fine. Sorry.

It's just...

I'm fine.

It's just a necklace.

Let's go.

Brian says he's going to wear a pink cravat so I know it's him.

Wow. He sounds like quite a catch.

I know! A pink cravat!

There's so many things wrong with that.

Sorry about Debbie. She's not like you and me, is she?

No...

Yeah, I was like that when I was 26.

And how old are you now?

27.

I can't believe what an idiot I was when I was 26...

Do you want to talk to me about something, love?

No...

Are you sure?

Yep.

Have you told her?

I will, I will. I'm just softening her up with small talk.

Cathy...

I broke your necklace.

The one Dave got you. The old lady one with the beads...

It's OK, love. It's fine. It's just...

And I smashed your ugly frog thing.

My what?

Your ugly frog ornament thing. I did it two weeks ago.

I'm so sorry about your necklace.

I just get all stretchy with elastic things and I was...

Well, I was just stretching it just for fun, really,

just to see how far it'd go and you probably know this already

but you can actually stretch it really far and...

But I don't know why I'm making excuses.

And now I'm making it all about me and... I snapped it.

I'm sorry.

And I smashed your frog thing because I wanted to see

if it would bounce.

Did it?

No.

Why's that?

Because it was made of china?

Do you know how much that frog thing cost?

70p.

Oh, God... Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Cathy.

Don't worry, love. They're just things.

No, but it was from Dave.

He got me lots of stuff. Come here.

This is so nice of you. Thank you.

Sorry, Kelly, love, that's actually a bit tight.

-Oh, sorry.

-Yeah.

It's still fairly tight.

Thanks.

Can you let me go now, love?

Sorry!

Bye, then! Be back in a couple of hours.

Help yourself to some lunch.

There's some of that nice ham in the fridge.

Oh, thanks Cathy. Could you put this on for me?

50 quid each way.

Oh, yeah, of course. You got the, er...

Don't worry about that.

Erm...

Oh, don't be tight, Cathy. Come on, girl.

Have a nice time.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Don't do anything I WOULD do.

THEY LAUGH

Sorry.

You off?

Yeah.

Have a lovely time.

Thanks, love.

Good luck, Cathy!

-Oh, thanks, Debbie.

-Just be yourself.

-Thanks.

-Or sort of like a better version?

Debs! She doesn't need your help. She's 59.

She's what?!

-You ready?

-Yeah.